nihilipil

[nihilipil]

merthur - forwards, beckon, rebound (adrianne lenker)

i'm not afraid of you now!!

[nihilipil]

sometimes what you need to get out of a deep depression is to start shipping a fictional couple that encourages you to read fanfiction until 3 am.

[nihilipil]

my brain at 4:17am: hey so like what if you’re not actually trans and im just tricking you into thinking that because you’re a sad fuck who doesn’t know who you are lol

me:

(I’ll add that this is a very normal feeling for trans people and questioning whether or not you’re “faking it” is a pretty good sign that you’re not)

[nihilipil]

me in 7th grade, after analyzing my inner thoughts, discomfort with my body, and masculine personality traits and deciding I must be a lesbian:

[nihilipil]

can i get uhhhhh…,,,,,,,,.,.,,.,,,  flat chest

[nihilipil]

taking cringe hormones for my fail assigned sex

[nihilipil]

I’m starting to get seriously worried that I won’t survive this year

[nihilipil]

“I’m not afraid of death. I’m afraid of time.”

— -Dr. Brand, Interstellar (2014)

[nihilipil]

are you ever in a moment and think damn i’m really gonna miss this

[nihilipil]

Being a depressed and very aware person is like… It doesn’t matter how many times you sit in your bedroom having revelations …nothing changes unless you make a move and do something. Something physical. The mind multiplies forever but nothing really ‘changes’……… and that’s sad. I…

[nihilipil]

i feel sad. thats who i am. hopeless, weak and sad.

[nihilipil]

i miss cutting….. you never think you’ll miss it till you wanna cut just to feel something. 

[nihilipil]

“I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist any more” sounds mild if you’ve never experienced it, but it is in fact a horrible, violent way to feel.

[nihilipil]

Do u ever just feel bad like you hate everything abt urself you hate the sound of your own voice and you can feel how annoying you are with every text you send bc mood

[nihilipil]

I always feel so bad after oversharing like pls delete that from your memory and pretend it never happened

[nihilipil]

Fuck I did not even post this on my main??? I’m a coward

Now that Pride month is over i’m gonna make a post no one Will care about cuz I love being fashionably late and ranting

I’m gay and this june i’ve felt more included in the community than i’ve ever have, not only am I older but ive never been more Secure in my sexuality since I realised I was a lesbian and not bi this last year which is amazing

But just cuz i’m more secure than ever don’t mean it’s perfect. I still deal with alot of comp het and shame. I want nothing more than to be 100% comfortable and proud and I know that I really should be but it’s hard you know?

It’s not that I think theres something wrong with me or anything I love being gay! I just have this voice in my head that says like that it whould be easier if I liked guys and idk it’s hard to expalin but i hate it.

I mean i ”Came out” twice this month once to a couple of straight friends on a student trip when i was drunk and it was super casual and no one cared or questioned it for one second (and most of them knew I’m not straigt), but I’m still kind of umcomfortable talking to my straight friend about liking girls when I’m sober? Which is stupid cuz they don’t give af

And one more time at a party this weekend after a festival, when i casually trough a game told a guy who I think was kind of intrerested that i would’t fuck him because I’m gay (lmao) and the rest of the night I was like, maybe that was a mistake maybe I’m not gay?? I mean he is kinda Cute i guess and super nice so if he is interested maybe we can hook up and I don’t have to be lonley anymore. And when my friend Joked about it the day after (about the way it happend and the context absolulty nothing homophobic) i just felt such same and fuck why am i like this 🙃 i literally just want to be comfortably in something i actually love about my self, is that to much to ask

Fuck i mean I don’t even have the balls to come out to my family yet, even though I think they already know or atleast suspect and they don’t care and would support me fully

i guess it’s mostly rooted in the fact that I’m really lonely and it would be easier to meet a guy. I just wish it weren’t like thiss

[nihilipil]

Now that Pride month is over i’m gonna make a post no one Will care about cuz I love being fashionably late and ranting

I’m gay and this june i’ve felt more included in the community than i’ve ever have, not only am I older but ive never been more Secure in my sexuality since I realised I was a lesbian and not bi this last year which is amazing

But just cuz i’m more secure than ever don’t mean it’s perfect. I still deal with alot of comp het and shame. I want nothing more than to be 100% comfortable and proud and I know that I really should be but it’s hard you know?

It’s not that I think theres something wrong with me or anything I love being gay! I just have this voice in my head that says like that it whould be easier if I liked guys and idk it’s hard to expalin but i hate it.

I mean i ”Came out” twice this month once to a couple of straight friends on a student trip when i was drunk and it was super casual and no one cared or questioned it for one second (and most of them knew I’m not straigt), but I’m still kind of umcomfortable talking to my straight friend about liking girls when I’m sober? Which is stupid cuz they don’t give af

And one more time at a party this weekend after a festival, when i casually trough a game told a guy who I think was kind of intrerested that i would’t fuck him because I’m gay (lmao) and the rest of the night I was like, maybe that was a mistake maybe I’m not gay?? I mean he is kinda Cute i guess and super nice so if he is interested maybe we can hook up and I don’t have to be lonley anymore. And when my friend Joked about it the day after (about the way it happend and the context absolulty nothing homophobic) i just felt such same and fuck why am i like this 🙃 i literally just want to be comfortably in something i actually love about my self, is that to much to ask

Fuck i mean I don’t even have the balls to come out to my family yet, even though I think they already know or atleast suspect and they don’t care and would support me fully

i guess it’s mostly rooted in the fact that I’m really lonely and it would be easier to meet a guy. I just wish it weren’t like thiss