#[& if ppl wanna peace out bc i stand up for myself then by all means]

[vigil4nted]

mmm seeing this come up more than once on the dash so like. genuinely if people have a problem with any n/sf/w, i can keep it off main.  i did purposefully tone it down & take it offsite into oneshot fic writing as well. so like. if this is stuff that genuinely no one wants to see, gonna need people to like tell me. like. directly tell me. to my face tell me. then i can relegate it specifically to a sideblog so only the people who want to see it/engage with it see it.  because like if this is becoming a problem idk. i don’t like sitting here feeling god damn paranoid abt this stuff. kinda flipping that part of my bpd on its head and honestly i’m not really ready to put up with it acting up in the middle of trying to push through a massive depressive episode.  so point is if people are getting uncomfy w/ n/sf/w out on main; speak up. some of it feels really vague-ish and it ain’t jivin with me.

[realcube]

waking up the hq boys at midnight to get ice-cream hcs🍦

characters: tsukishima, tanaka, nishinoya, ushijima, sugawara,  oikawa,  kageyama 

note: yes, this was very much inspired by that one tiktok sound where the girl wakes up her bf to get ice-cream- 

also, i use midnight as like..the middle of the night- not actaully 12AM lol

tw// fluff, sangwoo- 

Tsukishima Kei

you did not need to wake him up at 1AM to get ice-cream

man was already up, having just came off his phone and laying like this 😐 in bed as he either waited for himself to fall asleep or was thinking about an awkward interaction he had earlier that day 

anyway, as soon as you turned to him like ‘tsukki, do you wanna come with me to get ice-cream?’

he was suddenly 😴 fast asleep, fake snores and all

you were stubborn though, so you hopped out of bed up to go get ice-cream by yourself if he was just going to ignore you 

although, once you threw your coat on, tsukishima decided to start questioning your unusual behaviour, ‘why do you want ice-cream? it’s night; can’t you just sleep like a normal person and have ice-cream in the morning?’ 

honestly, tsukishima probably finds your nightly antics more endearing and cute rather than annoying 

he’d never admit it though- 

if you talk to him after midnight, on the outside he always looks displeased but really, he loves talking to you period

whether it is at 5PM or 1AM

you shrugged, without an explanation for your craving, ‘i don’t need to reason my midnight urges to you.’

with that, you turned on your heels to head out the door with the full intention of going to get ice-cream - this wasn’t a game 

tsukishima groaned as he finally deduced that you were being dead serious and not just doing this to irritate him

‘ugh, wait.’ he scoffed, forcing himself out of bed to follow you, ‘we have ice-cream downstairs, dumb-ass. don’t bother going out.’ 

you didn’t spare him a glance, continuing to venture to the front door, ‘yeah, but we don’t have strawberry.’ 

tsukishima glared at you, realising that persuasion would not work in this situation so he’d have to resort to brute force and trickery

‘ah, alright.’ he let out a sigh of defeat, ‘at least give us a hug before you go then.’

you paid no mind to how he referred to himself as plural, which is something he only does when he is lying or guilty as he is talking on behalf of his two faces 

also, you should’ve realised something was up when he actually asked for a hug instead of just expecting you to give him one

obliging, you wrapped him in a hug; allowing him to scoop you up into his arms, throw you over his shoulder and carry you to the kitchen

‘let me go, you whore!’  you squealed, lightly slapping his back as if that’d make him let you go 

tsukishima snickered at how childish you were being, ‘you can’t go out in the middle of the night to get ice-cream. you’ll die.’ 

‘i won’t die!’

‘you definitely will.’

anyway, he ends up making you both a bowl of ice-cream and eating it with you at the kitchen table while watching Spirited Away

and despite the fact he had some too, he’ll tease you about this for..the rest of your life 

like sometimes he’ll just wake you up in the middle of the night (during holidays ofc - he respects your sleep schedule) and whisper in your ear, ‘(y/n), do you wanna come get ice-cream with me?’

Tanaka Ryūnosuke

IORFHIEBGEGBO THIS MAN

ik most ppl would think he’d just go with you without a second thought or that he’d be the one asking you to go out for ice-cream but- no- 

well, yes; he wants to 

but when you wake him at 1AM 

(which he doesn’t mind btw bc  sometimes he accidentally wakes you up at like 3AM bc he’s ragin’ on Battlefield oop-)

and you’re all like ‘ryū, wanna go get ice-cream?’ *puppy eyes*

he’s like ‘sure!- but i ain’t got money so- no ❤’ 

then he goes back to sleep 

however, if you say that you’ll pay..he’s already standing with your bags by the door

so you’re definitely gonna have to fork up some cash for that good quality pistachio gelato for him if you want his presence 😌

but tbh, if you said that you were just gonna pay for yourself, he’d come anyway-

Nishinoya Yū

y’all go out at midnight for ice-cream at least once a week-

and it literally began bc you were watching ASMRs and Mukbangs together at 1AM during a sleepover 

and one person was having some lemon gelato and it looked 👌✨ immaculate

in that moment, you both looked at each other and neither of you had to utter a single word for you both to know that there was a mutual goal in mind; to get ice-cream, ASAP

so yeah ig you didn’t have to wake him up but you did need to awake the desire for ice-cream inside him

needless to say, y’all ran to the nearest ice-cream place 

and you made a race out of it 

(you won, ofc)

AND YOU BOTH SHARED A CUP OF GELATO AND IT WAS SO CUTE ! q(≧▽≦q)

and y’know the trope where you have food on the corner of your lip/chin etc and the person kisses you to get rid of it? 

yeah he tried to do that with the trope in mind but he deadass LICKED you IWFBVBBFRI

he was like ‘omg (y/n), lemme get that for you’ 😋👅

honestly, ig it depends if you are into that kinda stuff but ik some ppl would leave fast af ( ﾟдﾟ)つ Bye

Ushijima Wakatoshi

sorry i might have a bit of favouritism going on but i feel like ushijima would be a bigger bitch about it than tsukishima (at first)

but it’s like- solely bc you woke him up y’know?

‘ushijima, wanna go get ice-cream?’

he’s just laying there with his bed-head like :/

silently livid bc you messed up his potential 9 hours of sleep

‘no.’

pester all you want but that is the best you’re getting out of him that night

HOWEVER, the following afternoon (after practise ofc), he took you out for ice-cream 😊

and unlike some would believe (by ‘some’, i mean myself 2 secs ago.) i don’t think he’d be all ‘ice-cream is horrible for your health, (y/n)’ or ‘i can’t believe you’re eating that filth. your body is a temple.’

but that rather he’d just happily eat gelato with you; everything in moderation ig :)

OH AND HE’D PURPOSELLY BUY A DIFFERENT FLAVOUR FROM YOU SO HE COULD BE LIKE

‘(y/n), do you want a bite of mine?’ and give you a spoonful to try like the romance king he is  

Oikawa Tōru

you wouldn’t wake him up bc mf needs his beauty sleep

plus, it was during a sleepover at your house so ofc you didn’t want to wake up your guest 

but he’s a light sleeper so when you’re shuffling through your stuff at 1AM, sneaking around the house to find a jacket (trying to be as quiet as possible so you don’t wake him up); his eyes are open and he’s speculating that sangwoo is near

until he turns around to notice that you’re not laying next to him and he is in fact being spooned by a large pillow (probably a sangwoo body pillow smh)

after that, he hops to his feet and storms through the house in search of you so he can yell at you for ruining his sleep grr

however, once he finds you and realises that you look ready to head out, he feels inclined to firstly ask, ‘where are you going? you know it’s 2AM, right?’ 

you replied by explaining your plan to sneak out for ice-cream and he just stared at you, absolutely bewildered for a few moments

he stood like a statue with that stupid expression on his face for ages so you asked him if he was alright, to which he responded, ‘that’s such a stupid idea.’

‘so, you’re not coming with?’

‘of course i am.’

so you both ended up sitting with your ice-cream cones, in your pyjamas, on a park bench somewhere, admiring the moonlit sky along with the stars adorning it

oh, and that was actually the first time he said ‘i love you.’

Sugawara Kōshi

if feel like suga would be exactly like the guy in the sound/video: confused, tired and extremely reluctant but ofc inevitably he ends up standing outside of a dessert place, hand-in-hand with you

he’d wake up, weary from fatigue and he barely has the strength to argue with you during the day - so how exactly was he supposed to do it in the middle of the night? 

thus, he lugged himself out of bed and threw on a coat but as soon as the cold winter air bit at his nose, he was flooded with the energy and will-power to try convince you stay in with him

(It’s his parental senses) 

‘you’ll catch a cold, darling!’ (yes, he does call you that.) ‘and it’s night too, there’s probably a bunch of creeps out and around!’

at that point, it was just a battle of will

bc you both had each other’s wishes at heart

you wanted him to have peace of mind and he wanted you to have ice-cream

(and he was kinda craving some himself tbh)

so you both decided to stay in, tucking into the half-eaten tubs of Ben & Jerry’s in the fridge 

and after that, neither of you got any sleep bc you both stayed up watching movies and cuddling 🥺

Kageyama Tobio

he was wide awake at 2AM, laying beside you on the bed, practising sets 

so ofc the time wasn’t an issue

but kageyama wasn’t big on sweet treats so when you suggested that y’all should go out for ice-cream, you were shocked - to say the least - when he simply replied 

‘sure’

like why would he oppose? he was already awake. plus, he was kinda craving something sweet tbh

also, he could tell it’d make you happy and he’s whipped tbh

so you took advantage of this indifferency by immediately jolting up and dragging him to your favourite dessert place

the whole time, he acted as usual - it was as if he was just on a regular walk to school

when you got there, you both shared a sundae and he paid; what a king (❤´艸｀❤)

(it was bc you had forgotten your wallet/purse at home- but still a kind gesture 💕)

you both just sat in a booth, pecking away at the sundae while talking about anything and everything that came to mind as the low, distant R&B music from the shop’s speakers played in the background

 ‘it is flat. have you ever been on a plane before, (y/n)? did you see a single curve? no.’

you rolled your eyes, finding it physically painful how stupid kagyeama could be sometimes, ‘it’s science, kags. the earth is round! the curves are just very subtle.’

‘no.’

‘YOU CAN’T SAY NO! IT’S SCIENCE!’ 

[radioactivetirade]

ok does anyone else have this problem

like k so i fully use she/they pronouns and have done the introspection and shit and definitely feel that my gender identity extends beyond the binary even if i do identofy more with femininity conceptually than masculinity, and thats like.. all it rly takes to b non binary from what i cn gather

and yet whenever im filling out a form or survey, i feel like a liar if i dont click "woman"

like idk is that just my brain still unlearning the years of conditioning and living purely as a cis woman ? bc then i get into this weird ass imposter syndrome where my brain tells me like "damn u wanna b different so bad huh" when after thinking about it a lot and over a pretty long time i literally felt more at home in my own skin thinking of it as just. a persons body and being , instead of specifically a womans body and being

like my lived experience is still almost entirely as a woman since thats largely how i prefer to present, i like dresses and makeup and wearing like slutty stuff sometimes , and i am entirely comfortable within my own body insofar as the biologically female attributes so idk if thats messing me up ??

idk i feel like my gender journey was weird and drawn out and finally settling into identifying as "she/they" and growing out my body hair and having short hair felt like slipping deeper n deeper into a nice warm bubble bath at every stage so at this point i think im just gaslighting myself and my brain is just having trouble adjusting he way i think about myself in terms of gender after identifying in a different way for so long

i also think part of it could be that subconcious desire to just. not stand out. and i mean, i firmly believe that you should life as much as your authentic self as is possible, but im also the only (out) non binary person at work , and i cn see and hear and feel the way ppl treat me just sliiightly different at work bc of it sometimes. and im always happy to help educate ppl who have questions and whatnot, but mostly i just want to b left alone. which unfortunately becomes less and less likely the more and more you "other" yourself. like im the youngest by more thn 5 years at work, only person with an alt personal style, only person who openly identifies outside the gender binary, one of only 2 ppl (out of like 26 ppl) openly lgbtq+, and of course i gotta have harsh political opinions and so to some ppl at work i feel like im almost enterainment?? i just wanna exist, but society isnt in a place where it cn let ppl who deviate from the percieved 'norm' exist in any kind of peace. so i think part of me is tryna subconsiously get away from that ?

idk. i simply... dk

[seoafin]

i just noticed, that when i compared kaikai kitan’s lyrics from those lyrics channel/ websites with eng translations & from jpnese websites, the kanjis aren’t the same, that’s why it seems um, “choppy” so i decided to try translate the ones from jpnese website (it seems more reliable LMAO, i’ll add the links for the comparison [if u want to] in the end) AND IM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG ASKS

(before i start, i still have a rly long way to go with this language so i’m so sry if there’s any mistranslations 🙇‍♀️)

[note: literal meaning = with → ; idiomatic/ my (shitty) personal take = with ⇒]

有象無象 人の成り(uzo-muzou, hito no nari) = small fry, what (or how) a man is composed of

虚勢 心象 人外 物の怪みたいだ (kyosei, shinshou, jingai, mononoke mitaida) = fictitious, an image, a monster, it's like a demon spirit/ ghost

→ small fry, a man is composed of fictitiousness & an imagination : it's like a monster or a demon spirit/ ghost.

⇒ humanity is just like a mixture of small fries. ppl are usually trying to show their goodness, but it's superficial (“humans are built from lies. there’s always an underside to the emotions and actions shown on the surface. but negative emotions...like hatred and murderous intent never lie.” - jogo). they’re not the human being, but like monsters/ the fake one. [cursed spirits’ pov?]

虚心坦懐 命宿し(kyoshin-tankai, inochi yadoshi) = feeling calm, new life springs

あとは ぱっぱらぱな 中身なき人間 (ato wa pappara pa na nakami-naki ningen) = at the last a foolish, empty man is left

→ calm spirits were gifted lives. what left is the foolish & empty (hu)man.

⇒ and now, the nature, which people fear, were gifted lives as the cursed spirits. they’re the genuine "humanity." except for them, the rest are just the assemblage of foolish & hollow people. [from the stand point of cursed spirits]

寄せる期待 不平等な人生 (yoseru kitai, fubyoudou na jinsei) = with an anticipation/ expectation, with an unfair life

才能もない, 大乗非日常が (saino mo nai, daijo hinichijo ga) = without talent, the days out-of-ordinary that i arrived in to save the people

→ my life was an unfair and inept one, and i just lived with some anticipation. now, i’ve arrived in the days out-of ordinary to save the people.

⇒ though he expected how his life would treats him, all he can see are the unfair deaths of the ppl. yuuji, a boy without any talent (no cursed technique/ a capacity for jujutsu), has gotten involved in the days out-of ordinary to save others.

⇒ geto told himself that protecting ppl is his job, & struggled for their peace. but, the constant unfair deaths of his allies even though the weak they’re trying to save are foolish is the truth. the days out-of ordinary suddenly comes to the ordinary, non-talented people (the village ig)

怨親平等に 没個性 (onshin-byodou, ni botsu-kosei) = treating equally both my foes and friends, and with no personality stands out

辿る記憶 僕に居場所などないから(tadoru kioku, boku ni ibasho nadonaikara) = pursuing my memory for my existence, nowhere is left

→ i rmbr that i treated ppl equally even the ppl who had no personality that stands out (might be a continuation of the prev line), but i have nowhere to go now.

⇒ once, geto treated ppl, both shamans & non-shamans equally, but the latter didn't have any personality stand out in themselves bc of their ignorance; besides, [sometimes] they show their hostility to them (how the twins are treated in the countryside). after eliminating them, he remembers the days with his friends, but there’s nowhere to go [stsg confrontation ig]

夢の狭間で 泣いてないで (yume no hazama de naitenaide) = don’t cry (like that) in the gap between the dreams

どんな顔すればいいか わかってる(don-na kaosureba iika, wakatteru) = how to express my feeling on my face is that, i know/ understand

だけど まだ応えてくれよ(dakedo mada, kotaete kureyo) = but answer me for a while longer

→ i know (/understand) how i should express my feeling, but answer me for a while longer.

闇を祓って, 闇を祓って(yami wo haratte (2x)) = purify the darkness (2x)

夜の帳が下りたら 合図だ (yoru no tobari ga oritara aizu da) = when the curtain of the night has been lowered, it's the signal

→ shamans exorcise cursed spirits within a curtain (tobari)

相対して 廻る環状戦 (aitai-shite, mawaru kanjo-sen) = in opposite (/on the other hand), unending/endless battles go around

戯言などは 吐き捨ていけと(zaregoto nado wa hakisute ike to) = for words like nonsense, i was told to spit out them and go

→ they (?) told me to spit out such nonsense like words, and just go ahead.

まだ止めないで まだ止めないで(mada tomenaide (2x)) = don't let it stop for now (2x)

→ don’t let me stop for now (2x)

誰よりも 聡く在る 街に生まれしこの正体を(dareyorimo satoku aru machi ni umareshi kono sho-tai wo) = the presense being the smartest for the identity born in this town/ this identity of the creature born in this town exists as the smartest one.

今は ただ呪い呪われた僕の未来を創造して(imawa tada, noroi-norowareta boku no mirai wo, sozou shite) = for now, just create my future that was cursed /it creates my cursed future

⇒ itadori’s life was flipped upside down after eating the finger and turned to a vessel, but he continues on anyways to see the cursed future

走って転んで 消えない痛み抱いては(hashitte koronde, kienai itami daite wa) = run and slip, and with embracing the pain that doesn't leave me

→ i’ll keep running though sometimes i slipped, along with embracing the pain that doesn't leave me.

⇒ on the way, yuuji’s been through some tragedies and he’ll encounter much more. even so, he’s going to embrace the pain that won’t ever fade away (maybe abt junpei..?) [1]

世界が待ってる この一瞬を(sekai ga matteru, kono isshun wo) = the world is waiting for this moment

抒情的感情が 揺らいでいくバグ(jojouteki-kanjou ga yuraideiku, bug) = emotions are changing their forms with a bug

→ the BUG causes my emotions to change gradually.

(tbh i’m still confused on how to translate this)

↳ 揺ら yura = waver/ unstable ; 抒情 jojou = description of one’s feeling

従順に従った欠陥の罰 (jyu-jyun ni shitagatta kekkan no batsu) = the punishment of the defective who followed obediently

⇒ it’s a punishment, geto, as a defective carried bc of following it (a person, ig??¿)

死守選択しかない 愛に 無常気 (shishu-sentaku shikanai ai ni, mujo-ki) = the choice left is to protect it at any cost, love and the heart that feels everything dies/ change easily

↳ or, impermance in love, there’s no choice but to protect it until the very end(/ at any cost) with a heart that feels everything change/ dies easily

声も出せないまま (koe mo dasenai mama) = my voice hasn't been able to be raised/ without being able to raise my voice

傀儡な誓いの無き 百鬼夜行 (kugutsu na, chikai no naki, hyakki-yako) = without any vow that were empty like a puppet, hyakki yako (the night parade of the 100 demons)

→without any vow, geto caused the hyakki yako. it’s like he’s just a marionette, being empty (maybe it’s implying that 🧠 is controlling it rn)

数珠繋ぎなこの果てまでも (juzu-tsunagi na kono hate mademo) = even to the end where everything (every event in this world) is linked together

⇒ even after gojo killed him

極楽往生 現実蹴って 凪いで(gokuraku oujo, genjitsu kette, naide) = rest in peace, kick the reality, and calm down

→ rest in peace? it doesn't exist in the reality, so i kicked it, and then calmed down

⇒ geto can’t even have a peaceful death, he wants to kick (read : strangle) the reality which has his body in a shaman’s control

命を投げ出さないで (inochi wo nagedasanaide) = don't throw your life away

内の脆さに浸って(uchino morosa ni hitatte) = bask in the fragility of one's heart

→ don’t throw your life away without basking in the fragility of your heart

どんな顔すればいいか　わかんないよ (don-na kao sureba iika wakan-naiyo) = i don’t know how i should express my feeling (with my face)

今はただ応えてくれよ(imawa tada kotaete kureyo) = but just answer me for now

→ i don't know how i should express my feeling, but answer me just now

五常を解いて 五常を解いて(gojo wo toite (2x)) = disentangle gojo [confucianism] (2x)

→ disentangle the thought of gojo (2x)

⇒rescue gojou (from the prison realm) [explanation at the end]

不確かな声を紡ぐイデア(futashika na koe wo tsumugu idea) = the idea deliberates the unclear voices (that’s hard to hear)

相殺して 廻る感情線 (sousai shite, mawaru kanjousen) = countervail something, and the continuous emotion going around (/ looping/ revolving)

→ my continuous emotion is going around in my mind with (sth ?¿) countervailing it [i actually wanna go w neutralize it but it seems off]

その先に今 立ち上がる手を(sonosaki ni ima, tachiagaru te wo) = on the road ahead, now give me the hand to raise myself up

→ give me ur hand to raise myself up to see my future (yuuji’s pov(?)?))

ただ追いかけて ただ追いかけて(tada oikakete (2x)) = just by following / u just kept following them (?) [2x]

⇒ yuuji following in gojo’s path (taking the line after this into acct)

誰よりも強く在りたいと願う 君の運命すら (dare yorimo tsuyoku aritai to negau kimi no unmei sura) = even the fate of yours despite of your desire that being stronger than anyone else

→ even the fate of yours despite of the desire that being stronger than anyone else,

⇒ most likey yuuji, and his line, “i want to become strong. please teach me to be ‘the strongest’”

今はただ ほの暗い夜の底に (ima wa tada, honogurai yoru no soko ni) = just only for now, at the bottom of the gloomy (/dim) night

深く深く落ちこんで(fukaku fukaku ochikonde) = deeply, much more deeply (it) falls

→ it has only fallen to the bottom of the gloomy night deeply, much more deeply for now.

⇒ (+ the continuation from the previous line) this may implied shibuya (?), only more than 4 hours passed for the whole arc after all and yuuji witnessing what happened to nanami and nobara in front of his eyes [2]

不格好に見えたかい (bukakko ni mietakai) = seems (seemed) uncool?

これが今の僕なんだ (korega imano bokunanda) = this is what i am, how my present being

→ this is what i am, what i can be now

何者にもなれないだけの屍だ 嗤えよ(nanimono nimo, narenai dakeno, shikabaneda waraeyo) = i'm just only a dead that can't be anything, anyone, you can ridicule me (for it)

→ you can ridicule me. i'm just only a dead that can't be anything, anyone.

⇒ geto (?) and his wild goose chase (?) but now he’s dead and someone is using his body

↳ 屍 = can also be corpse

目の前の全てから 逃げることさえやめた(menomae no subetekara, nigeru koto sae yameta) = everything in front of me, i’ve quit running away from/ i’ve quit running away from all the things surround (/in front of) me

イメージを繰り返し 想像の先をいけと (image wo kurikaeshi, so-zo no saki wo ike to) = keep drawing inspiration, and go over the (/ ur) imagination

⇒ (+ continuation from the last line) this one may refer to yuuji’s strong will or megumi in jjk 58 “with a firm base, skill, and imagination...a person can change to the slightest of events”

闇を祓って 闇を祓って (yami wo haratte (2x)) = purify the darkness (2x)

夜の帳が下りたら合図だ (yoruno tobari ga oritara aizu da) = when the curtain of the night has been lowered, it's the signal

相対して 廻る環状戦 (sou-sai shite, mawaru kan-jyo-sen) = in opposite (/on the other hand), unending/endless battles go around

戯言などは 吐き捨ていけと(zaregoto nado wa, hakisute ike to) = for words like nonsense, i was told to spit out them and go

→ they told me to spit out such nonsense like words, and just go ahead.

まだ止めないで まだ止めないで(mada tomenaide (2x)) = don't let it stop for now (2x)

→ don't let it (/me) stop for now (2x)

誰よりも 聡く在る 街に生まれしこの正体を(dareyorimo satoku aru machi ni umareshi kono sho-tai wo) = the presense being the smartest for the identity born in this town

→ this identity of the creature born in this town exists as the smartest one.

今は ただ呪い呪われた僕の未来を創造して(imawa tada, noroi-norowareta boku no mirai wo, sozou shite) = for now, just create my future that was cursed /it creates my cursed future

走って転んで 消えない痛み抱いては(hashitte koronde, kienai itami daite wa) = run and slip, with embracing the pain that doesn't leave me

→ i’ll keep running though sometimes i slipped, along with embracing the pain that doesn't leave me.

世界が待ってる この一瞬を(sekai ga matteru, kono isshun wo) = the world is waiting for this moment

a) a proverb :

虚心坦懐 (kyoshin-tankai) = literally : empty// void; heart// mind// spirit; level// wide; pocket; heart

↳ the feeling "calm" or "relaxed" / the generosity without any prejudice/ with an open and calm mind, with no preconceived notions, without reserve, frank, candid

↳ 虚心 = a lack of prejudice/ preconception; 坦懐 = inner peace

↳"虚心坦懐 (が) 命 (を) 宿す" = "the feeling calm was gifted a life/ a new life springs." would be the meaning. it may describe the origin of the cursed spirits that may come from humans’ defilements / klesas or fear of natural disaster

a) 6 buddhist terms :

1) 有象無象 (uzo-muzo)

↳ literally : exist-shape-nothing-shape

it can be the mob/ masses. it’s a combination of the buddhist phrase : all things; things with physical forms and things without physical forms; material/ immaterial , visible/ invisible to denote the entirety of existence. by extension, “a large number of unexceptional people; the unwashed masses”; a term used to belittle mob behavior or “the common folk.” it’s probs humans from the cursed spirits’ perspective/  jogo’s “true humans” talk

2) 大乗 (daijo) = "the great vehicle" this word came from, "大乗仏教 (daijo-bukkyo)" = mahayana sect/ doctrine. mahayana emphasizes altruistic practice—called the bodhisattva practice—as a means to attain enlightenment for oneself and help others attain it as well [aka gojo who attained “enlightment” but stays in the figurative endless cycle of life and death, the college]

3) 怨親平等 (onshin byo do) = the attitude to treat friend and foe equally/ one’s foe and friend is equal/ hate and affection is equal

↳ the word byodo is connected with (平等王 byodo-o) = king impartial judge/ 10 kings (judges) of the underworld [this one is based from chinese taoism] and one of them is yama (sukuna’s mudra) who judges the dead on the 35th day    [3]

4 無常気 (mujo ki) = the heart that feels everything is fragile/ impermanence of the world, usually changing easily (it came from a chinese translation of a buddist scripture)

↳ 無常 = impermanence (nature of life)

↳ 気 = mind

5 数珠 (jyuzu) = the item to count the times of chanting the sutras, which form is the same to the bracelet strung with beads. the number of beads of the bracelet is 108 which signifies klesas/ curses + 4 smaller beads signifying the great 4 bodhisattvas, and the usage is similar to a rosary.

6 極楽往生 (gokuraku oujo) : "極楽" & "往生," has its own meaning each:

↳ 極楽: perfect bliss; the pure land of amitabha’s buddha (in buddhism pure land sect/ doctrine)

↳ 往生: death; dying a happy death.

↳ it’d be easier if we make "極楽往生" ⇾ "being born in the pure land after life/ rebirth in paradise (the word is a reference to the pure land section doctrine of amitabha buddha’s paradise/ pure land)

personally, i’ll go with “a peaceful death/ getting a rest in peace” (bc of the promise of reciting amitabha’s name would be born in the pure land, free from the samsaric cycle so they can focuse on attaining nirvana thing). the word “極楽往生” sort of reminds me of yuuji’s & his wish to give ppl a “just death” even though that his “just death” isn’t properly defined in the manga (yet), maybe....it stemmed from his grandfather’s seemingly “peaceful death” even though he wasn’t surrounded by ppl? (hahaha 😃🔫)

c) 3 puns :

↳ kanjo-sen : (環状戦[loop line/ transportation belt line]& 感情線 [emotion])

but the kanjo-sen used in the lyrics is "環状線", the sound might be a metaphor of it which means "loop line"

↳ so-zo: 創造 (creation)/ 想像 (imagination)

↳ warau: 嗤う ([to be] ridicule(d)/ laugh at) /  笑う (laugh)

d) double meaning phrases

1)五常 (gojo) = i’ll quote the wiki definition ⇾ confucianism or ruism, which is "the 5 moralities/ virtues (benevolence [仁 jin], justice & truth [義 gi], courtesy [礼 rei] , wisdom [智 chi], and trust/ faith [信 shin])” of what the mankind should keep," taught by confucius who is one of the philosophers of china.

"五常" also relates to buddhism : it’s the 5 precepts/ commandments ⇾ not to kill, not to steal, not to engage in sexual misconduct (the earliest scripts only said abt adultery), not to lie (including gossip), not to consume intoxicants (actually this one is still up for debate, whether u can drink or sth else but not till u lose ur inhibitions bc u have to keep ur mind clear and all or just completely abstain from it)

2)解く (toku) ⇾ a verb which means solve/ liberate (break free)/ disentangle

↳usually, in jpnese, ppl use "説く (teach with speech)" as a verb rather than "解く" for thoughts including "五常." the kanji must have been changed intentionally

↳ hence : rescue/ free gojo

btw, in this song there’s 3 variation of kanjis for the word loop/ circle, which might be the theme all along = 廻, 環, 数珠. and the lines incorporated in the song seem to be written to make them matched for the story continues + the song itself is a perfect loop if u take the beginning and ending of the mv where yuuji woke up from his sleep and fell asleep at the end

extra = if u noticed this sentence : どんな顔すればいいか わかってる

(don-na kaosureba iika, wakatteru) = how to express my feeling on my face is that, i know/ understand

だけど まだ応えてくれよ(dakedo mada, kotaete kureyo) = but answer me for a while longer

change into this :

どんな顔すればいいか わかんないよ (donna kao sureba iika wakan-naiyo) = how to express my feeling on my face? i don’t know/ understand

今はただ応えてくれよ(imawa tada kotaete kureyo) = but just answer me for now

→ I don't know how I should express my feeling, but answer me just now.

the transition of hope to despair/ hopeless?

and "凪いで" (naide) might just rhyming with "投げ出さないで" (nagedasanaide.)

i was genuinely surprised that those anime songs (op-ed) lyric channel translated this 1-3 weeks after when usually they get others out within 3-5 days, but when i see the kanjis.....understandable 😁 (bc if u give me this without any romaji i’ll probably just try until eventually i give up)

PSA AGAIN : i’m not gonna say this is the “right” translation bc i still have a long way to go with the language and this “translation” came from someone who learned jpnese just bc i got tired of switching back and forth between google translate and fanart/ fics, i have no idea what it said and it just looked interesting 😭 - 🐱

i forgot to give the links 🧍

the jpnese websites : a, b, c

eng : a

and the others are from utube just search “kaikai kitan lyrics” - 🐱

ok after you sent me this last night i totally didn’t cry myself to sleep listening to the song

what is the POINT in alluding to the suffering of the shibuya arc when anime only watchers are not going to have any idea of pain that awaits them i....they’re sadists....😭😁😭

[shibalen]

[1/3] Hi~ May I pls request a Magi + KnY romantic male matchup? I'm a 5'0 hetero fem. I love to draw & sing especially! (I sing opera & I wanna be a voice teacher) I often take endless pics of the sunset and sea bc it's so pretty. I dislike bossy ppl. Quirk: I have a red birthmark on my arm shaped like Alaska lol! To strangers, I'm quiet, shy, friendly, and kind of a loner bc I'm rlly awkward (plus I value my time alone) I easily open up to funny ppl tho.

[2/3] In private, I'm more chill, funny & playful, especially w/ family. I can joke around them a lot. I have a short temper but I forgive just as quickly. I tend to smile or laugh a lot if I'm feeling embarrassed, sometimes I feel stupid for doing so :( I can be hard on myself yet I feel it's necessary to improve. I'm an appreciative person so I'll say thank you like 1000 times lol! I like to be straightforward in relationships even tho I still may be shy. I highly value family & honesty.

[3/3] I'd prefer a s/o who is family-oriented, devoted & genuine. It'd be great if they have a sense of humor too! I'd be the type to sing softly to my s/o while we're alone and close together. Maybe try to lull them to sleep, hehe! Thank you so much! Sorry it was so long, please take your time! I appreciate your hard work! Stay safe and healthy!! (*´︶`*)ﾉ"=͟͟͞͞♡

♡︎ matchup for @ne-nene-ne

bonjour! omg we sound so much alike? idk maybe it's just me? hehe

anyhowdies, thank you for your patience and popping up in my notifications so often! here is your mauchup~

|| magi: i match you with . . .

koumei ren

• since Koumei is not fond of loud and lively people, he would love all of your qualities! you're quiet but still easy to get along with, playful but value family as much as he. someone as well-balanced is a good match for him.

• he completely understands the habit of being hard on oneself. i feel like he's like that as well (hence all those hours of work) while he can appreciate your need to improve, he never fails to check up on you, ensuring you're not being overly critical of yourself.

• you wish he could do the same for himself because the words 'enough sleep' and 'self care' do not apparently belong into this man's vocabulary. you gotta gently remind him to eat and take a bath.

• also pls lull him to sleep, he needs it. all those late nights planning military strategies have done their part so your heavenly voice is the only thing that can put him at ease.

• you can just be talking and he already finds himself relaxing.

• he's eternally grateful to you for coming into his life ♡︎

• Komei is incredibly devoted and would never dream of betraying you. if he comes back late, know he was not out doing anything unfaithful but once again got emerged in planning tactics.

• he knows you get angry at him sometimes for it so he will try to make it up to you by any means!

• your first meeting was at an arranged marriage. your arranged marriage. it was something neither of you wanted at first and honestly it was pretty awkward with both of you being more reserved (ーー;)

• it wasn't until you bumped into each other in the drawing room that you began talking about your shared interests and growing closer.

• since then drawing became reserved for spending quality time together and relaxing.

• Koumei got a tad insecure though when he realised he had fallen in love with you although you were already married. he knew he was inferior when it came to appearances and quite sloppy in mannerisms compared to his brothers, poor thing.

• thankfully you caught onto that quite quickly and reassured him you loved him just the way he was ♡( ◡‿◡ )

• for someone so smart Koumei had no idea what to do except stand there with butterflies in his stomach and heart warming up so much the heat reached to his cheeks.

• he may appear like a gentleman, but once you've gotten past that layer you'll find out he has quite the sense of humor.

• you can joke around with him all you want as long as it's about nothing too inappropriate. you should also expect some light-hearted teasing, hehe

• i'm sorry to say this but occasionally your height will be targeted, he can't help but rest his hand on your head. it's cute, it's vulnerable, it's free real estate!

• if you get annoyed by this he'll just feign innocence . . .

• "could you stop using me as your armrest?"

• "armrest? what are you talking about? i am simply expressing my love for you through physical affection, my dear :)"

• more than teasing though, Koumei likes complimenting you. he will ruffle your hair affectionately, tell you what a good job you've done, how pretty you you look. you might think it's just flattery but rest assured all of these come from his heart!

• look no further because Koumei will use his status to show you the most beautiful sceneries in Kou.

• sunsets from high towers, a wide view of the ocean from imperial ships. when you've got a bit more time he'll carry you through the skies at twilight with his djin equip.

• sneaky bastard might just do a few stunts to have you cling onto him tighter (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

• he prefers staying indoors during his free time so he'd be more than happy to listen to you practice opera singing.

• sometimes he goes outside to feed pidgeons and invites you along. those are such peaceful moments when you can talk about your worries or just admire how nice the weather is.

• Koumei lowkey prays you won't get into fights with Kouen or Kouha because they're both really bossy and you have a short temper.

• but because family is important for them as well, you'll learn to get by. he's so happy.

• though when will you start to think about having your own family? that's a question for later date because at the moment all Koumei wants is to live a happy, comfortable life with you ♡︎

runner up: Alibaba Saluja

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

|| kimetsu no yaiba: i match you with . . .

tanjirō kamado

• you guys have such matching sweetheart energies that i had to put you together!

• you also have the same values of family and honesty which makes your relationship all the stronger. you both respect each other and there is nothing but trust in your communication.

• your first meeting happened when you were teamed up together for a mission along with Zenitsu and Inosuke. Zenitsu immediately, of course, got googly eyed for you and feral boy Inosuke wanted to fight you.

• you started feeling awkward with so much going on but Tanjirō quickly got them to give you space.

• he approached you so kindly, understanding you were shy in this new situation.

• it took little time for you to open up to the Kamaboko gang, seeing as how bizarre they are, but Tanjirō was special from the beginning. needless to say, he was curious about you as well |ω-o)

• you two hit it off so well and continued to hang out after the mission. he never pressured you to talk and his patience felt almost godsent. with every new bit he learnt about you Tanjirō found himself becoming more and more enamoured with you.

• he finds your playful yet relaxed mannerisms so pleasant. you're like his sanctuary whenever he needs a break from the restless world around him. he knows he can tell you everything and anything and you'll listen.

• Tanjirō absolutely loves pampering you! you're such a lovely person that all he wants is to make sure you receive back all the positivity that you spread around.

• he won't judge you for your short temper, i mean he's friends with Inosuke after all. he'll only ever look at you with sweet, loving eyes.

• if you do have a small argument, you both end up apologising a million times and laughing cause neither of you will stop saying sorry. it's the cutest thing.

• Tanjirō is a bit on the serious side, and it's canon that he's insecure about the trait. it would be so wholesome if you taught him how to loosen up and joke around!

• he'd be clumsy at it at first but gradually get the hang of it.

• his jokes would still be so bad, poor child. you think it's really adorable though and laugh anyway ♡︎

• that proud twinkle in his eyes when he sees he succeeded making you smile is just— asdfghjk so full of love

• will assure you there is never anything wrong with laughing or smiling. your laugh is one of the most beautiful sounds to him so be prepared for a lot of silly jokes.

• please teach this boy to draw, i'm begging

• you and Nezuko are basically like siblings already. Tanjirō's heart swells every time he finds you with Nezuko, braiding her hair, singing to her or even simply giving her headpats.

• it's during times like those especially that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life together with you.

• won't not brag about it aloud but Tanjirō likes he's the only person that get to hear you sing (aside from Nezuko) it's like your little secret, something that's reserved for him alone

• Zenitsu always grits his teeth seeing what lovebirds you are. though you were both a little shy about it at first, there is almost always some physical affection between you: hand holding, leaning against each other, cute, fluttering kisses.

• his favourite places to kiss you are your forehead and lips. he may get a bit flustered if you do it to him though but that's because he's so happy ♡︎

• !sharing cool scar/birthmark stories!

• "see, it looks like Alaska!"

• ". . . what's an Alaska? is it an animal?"

• "no, it's a land, silly. a very faraway land."

• "oh, i see! we should go there together some day. it'll be great!"

• your dates include many walks and picnics in the forest. he wants to show you all the best views of sunsets and oceans there are!

• i know this sounds corny but Tanjirō will 100% gaze at you instead while you're admiring the scenery. your reaction is just so precious and you look absolutely stunning in the soft light. you can't really blame him for being smitten ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

• he will remind you every day how dear you are to him. with daily but meaningful displays of affection, Tanjirō lets you know he will never leave your side ♡︎

runner up: Kyōjuro Rengoku

i hope you enjoyed! i admit i haven't seen magi in ages so i don't know how well it turned out ㆆ﹏ㆆ but thank you for the kind wishes, and make sure to take time off to breathe ♡︎

[thesunnyshow]

Name: leyna

Age: 1X

Writing Blog URL(s): @jensungf​

What fandom(s) do you write for? nct (dream)!

Nationality: american!

Languages: english, vietnamese (spanish??? very bad)

Star Sign: capricorn sun!! 

MBTI: enfp-t hehe

Favorite color: lavender

Favorite food: beef chow fun/noodles

Favorite movie: our times!

Favorite ice cream flavor: chocolate chip cookie dough

Favorite animal: cats! 

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering? hmm i’m not a big fan of either tbh but vietnamese iced coffee with a LOT of condensed milk is super good 

Dream job (whether you have a job or not): honestly idk! maybe an editor or professor who knows

Go-to karaoke song: “gee” by snsd or “if it ain’t you” by alicia keys

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose? vocal-induced manipulation or basically power of persuasion with my words hehe

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose? maybe the 90s! i really like the vibes and aesthetic

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you? no bc learning is a part of life!

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken? horse sized chicken hahaha bc horses are wild

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been? drama queen LOLL

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures? to an extent yes! 

If a genie gave you three wishes, what would they be? world peace, equality for all, and hmm true love in every life i live

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know? i have 3k followers on pinterest hahaha weird flex

When did you post your first piece? april 2020!

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why? i write most fluff and angst or a combo! with some crack bc who doesn’t love some humor hahah

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc? i write reader inserts

Why did you start writing on Tumblr? ive been writing on tumblr since 2015, just for diff fandoms bc i always loved reading fanfics and i wanted to become a better writer

What inspires you to write? other writings, real life experiences, dreams, basically anything!

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most? i find fluff easier to write than angst but i like a good balance of all the genres! i rly like writing soulmate!aus for some reason or just some domestic fluffy established relationship stuff

What do you hope your readers take away from your work? i hope they can actually feel the emotions i’m hoping to convey from each character (referring to my more angsty works) or their sweet tooth gets satiated hehe

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively? i try to read other stories or talk to my moots to help me!

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful? i think my fav has to be only forever because it’s something that i feel like is really cliche but it actually represents the meaning of young innocent first loves. i reminds me of what someone’s youth should sort of feel like. my most successful has been jsmr: sugar and spice because who doesn’t love jsmr!jeno and some sweet fluff and a spicy make out scene 🤭

Who is your favorite person to write about? jeno or jaemin tbh

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose? there is a slight difference because fanfiction provides you a sort of foundation with characters but to be honest, i believe that if you just switch the names and perspectives for most of the stories on here, it would become a bestselling hit because it conveys the same emotions and it’s just as enjoyable to read. the writers on here are truly exceptional. 

What do you think makes a good story? i definitely think little details and the nuances that add to the plot development and character development. most importantly, if a story evokes emotions from me and i can feel the story then i think it’s beautiful in itself. 

What is your writing process like? for me, i can come up with an idea based off of anything that might inspire me. like watching something, reading another story or just a dream i have. then i like to outline my stories by bouncing ideas with my best friend and from there once i figure out all the points i wanna hit i start writing! or for spur of the moment fics i deadass just start writing

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story? yes, most likely. 

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand? i love fwb to lovers and enemies to lovers! also soulmate!aus / tatbilb tropes cus i’m a sucker for cheesy stuff. i’m not a big fan of cheating/parent/apoc!aus or love triangles. oh and i can’t stand slow burn 😭

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you? as someone who lives off of validation, it means a lot and motivates me to write my stories and post them! we put so much hard work into our stories, so feedback and engagement is honestly the least you can do 🥺

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)? i think just being in a community with other talented writers has taught me a lot!! and of course, having people read my work.

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged? yes! all the time. 

Do you think art can be a medium for change? yes, maybe not on a macro scale but personally definitely. 

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself? sometimes, but i always try to pull myself back into why i really started writing. but writing for others helps motivate me. 

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times? not on a serious level! it’s more so how details and events are interpreted but it’s fun to see how ppl have different perspectives on own piece versus your own vision.

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr? yes!! not my family ofc but my close friends do and support me 100% and i’m forever grateful for this

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers? thank you so much for everything you’ve ever done for me no matter how little or small it may seem, it means the world to me. 

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there? i think you need to realize why you’re writing and it’s because it brings you happiness, and you’re sharing your beautiful work out there and it has the possibility to change someone’s life whether it’s bringing them a little bit of joy or helping them feel emotions. you might discover things you never knew about yourself as well. 

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr? not really! as of recently i’ve seen a lot of changes with the platform and although it’s a big struggle, i can’t regret it because it’s brought me so much.  

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey? i’d hate to pick and choose because all my mutuals have really helped me in some way whether or not they know it because they inspire me, motivate me, and are just genuinely amazing people to talk to. but honestly talking to mary / @neostains​, nana / @nanasarea​, anie / @mjlkau​ have helped me open up from being shy and i appreciate them a whole lot. 

Pick a quote to end your interview with:  “to burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” - spanish poet federico garcia lorca

[yumenosakiacademy]

angry fucking rant bc my throat hurts from having to yell n b angry w/o screaming bc the lowered pitch or w/e i dont give a fuck im angry n sad fuck off

i hate when i get told that “life will get bettetr things arent alaways doom and gloom like u say” or w/e spiel like IT WILL! AND I KNO MYSELF BETTER THAN ANYONE! YES! IM PATHETIC! IM A STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT NIHILIST WHO WILL DIE W/O EVER BEING HAPPY! ILL LIVE MY DAYS MISERABLE BUT THATS MY *POINT*! IM SAYING THE FUTURE IS BLEAK FOR ME BC I MYSELF THINK IT! I CANT WORD THINGS I CANT ARGUE FOR MYSELF BUT MY LIFE WILL BE SHIT BC *IM* SHIT! *LIFE* IS SHIT! my dad likes to say that he wasnt miserable when he was in his 20s-30s like i claim ppl r but i mean ppl like ME! ppl who dont want to fucking live! ppl who see the world as the hard shithole it is! ppl who cant stand interacting with people! ppl who cant stand every waking insufferable minute of being bored n feeling worthless n feeling stress or feeling sad feeling worthless feeling awful wanna die wanna die wanna die but he isnt like that! he got to hang out w friends n party! hav a blast! laug it up! i cant stand doing work i cant stand doing ANYTHING. i dont wanna work i dont wanna do anything i dont wanna have to pay taxes or have responsibilities or come home to my stupid lonely house where i’ll sit knowing ill die one day and all of my work will amount to just a stupid paycheck from which almost all of it will go toward food or rent/utilities. dad says get roommates but i cant stand ppl i cant stand anything i dont KNOW all i know is be angry be sad kill self my entire life ive just thought “ill die when things get rough” i cant simply unbury myself ot of that patch! once ur dug n dead in that indset ur stuck forever! bc the peaceful thought of “i dont need to work if im dead i dont need to stress if im dead i dont need to worry abt my bills or my manager yelling at me or memaking a mistake if im dead” AND I DONT WANNA MAKE MISTAKES! I DONT WANNA GET FIRED! I DONT WANNA BE LIKE MOM I DONT WANNA BE A STUPID WRECK i dont wanna i dont wanna i cant take the thought of the future because everything in it feels like a bleak and scary hell for the me who never grew up! physically im 19 but mentally im nothing. i dont hav responsibilities. i never felt responsibile. bc i never wanted to be. bc i dont ever want to be. when im pressured i blank. i freeze. i cant do things. i cry. i stop. i cnant do things. in the future itll be just like that too. ic ant please anyone! i cant please MYSELF! and no matter how much my friend says ill get friends n hobies i know thats not true! friends are scary. people are a means to an end. hobbies come and go and i see them all as a chore with minimal reward or a waste. all i can do is face the factthat im shit and always will be and imm scared.im terrified and im scared and i never thoightnid tget this far i thought idve been dea by now why am is tioll here? talking abt things like getting a job when i shpuld be in some stupdi utnr iro osmeitng i dont know tis whent from being sad to me jsut breakgn down i dont knwo

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

OK!!! saint-loup. it is saint-loup o’clock. i do not have these thoughts well formulated so this might get kinda long n messy but i promised myself i’d Talk This Out w/ myself on this reading, so. icee straw kazoo.

ok so saint-loup is the narrator’s friend tho like... to the extent this term is applicable in friendships m’s kinda The Unrequiter, often exhibits w/out expressly saying that he feels kinda guilty for Using Him or at least for like. not being able to match the energy saint-loup brings to the relationship. in fact the main thing he consistently notices in saint-loup is energy, strength. but also solicitude! which combination to me seems weird? i’m fond of saint-loup but he makes me uncomfortable, i think bc while, on one hand, his slightly sophomoric intellectualism and nervous quickness and tendency to be officiously solicitous*--which 3 traits m associates w/ saint-loup’s ability to assimilate quickly (3.98, 153)--all remind me of me, and also of many people i’ve known, but then...? on the other hand, i have never seen those traits (esp. solicitude) in a strong person; saint-loup is passive-aggressive and i have only ever observed that demeanor in weak people--most of them sick, bats and/or non-men; certainly not in a straight-passing man (as saint-loup does at this time) if he’s also healthysane--since passive-aggression is so. roundabout, and mind-over-matter &c. like. all the things i have in common w/ saint-loup are traits i’ve developed because i’m not a man, not straight, not neurotypical, not strong, u know? and certainly these traits are ones people like me are supposed to dislike in ourselves, but i find that recognizing them in someone usually makes me more comfortable around them, because... well, you know. because the ways in which we’d be likely to hurt each other are basically the same?

meanwhile early in volume 3 you get this scene where saint-loup introduces m to a bunch of his friends, all adorably over-eager to Show Off m’s intellect, make sure he makes a good impression, and

“No? You don’t agree about Stendhal?” he went on, with a naïve confidence in my judgment which found expression in a charming, smiling, almost childish glance of interrogation from his green eyes. “Oh, good! I see you’re on my side. ... The Chartreuse is after all a stunning work, don’t you think? I’m so glad you agree with me. What is it you like best in the Chartreuse? Answer me,” he urged with boyish impetuosity. And the menace of his physical strength made the question almost terrifying. (136)

N.B. THO that here and elsewhere m fuckin glories in that strength. here, for example:

My departure depressed me less when I was no longer obliged to think of it alone, when I felt that the more normal and healthy exertions of my energetic friends, of Robert’s brothers-in-arms, were being applied to what was to be done (179)

but also, before we even GET to rachel:

“I’m furiously jealous,” Saint-Loup said to me, half laughing, half in earnest, alluding to the interminable conversations apart which I had been having with his friend. “Is it because you find him more intelligent than me? Do you like him better than me? Ah, well, I suppose he’s everything now, and no one else is to have a look in!” (Men who are enormously in love with a woman, who live in a society of woman-lovers, allow themselves pleasantries which others, seeing less innocence in them, would never dare to contemplate.) (153)

idk, like. i’ve had multiple people talk that way to me? but i possess what almost seems like an “only we can say it” sentiment about it--only people who don’t pass for straight men, maybe, or only weak people, neurotics. and saint-loup has that entire demeanor he seems to think he’s entitled to it as an intellectual or maybe just picks it up from m and rachel but it’s weird on people whose intellectualism does not compensate for frailty of body and/or “willpower,” idk. he does the fuckin... what do i mean, um. OH!--i associate his flirtatious self-deprecation w/ the thing women do in victorian books and in old movies; the thing lizaveta nikolaevna does in demons when she asks what’s his face whether he’d still wanna hang if she broke her leg. and possibly i’m wrong to see saint-loup’s comments as the outpost of a similar thing? but

“You know,” I said, “I did come to say good-bye to you the day I left Doncières. I’ve never had a chance to mention it. I waved to you in the street.”

“Don’t speak about it,” he replied, “I was so sorry. I passed you just outside the barracks, but I couldn’t stop because I was late already. I assure you I felt quite wretched about it.” (233)

haha yeah no i don’t think i’m wrong. so maybe it’s like the last few days’ irritation at hearing my mom employ the detached, bodily-self-contemptuous infodump tone i often use irl to talk about My Limitations--sitting like i do then, w/ that buzzardy hunch as though to tell a secret, and w/ the same aporetic expression--without having also to euphemize, circumlocute, pause and screw up her face and twist her wrist around for long intervals, blushing, trying to think of a less self-flattering [vulnerable] word for what she means, like i would in that situation. but i think it’s... also that i’m uncomfortable on m’s and rachel’s behalf? that in order not to intimidate or seem to condescend he adopts a piece of their demeanor that makes him look harmless. because like. another way in which saint-loup attempts to Regain His Dignity (or at least vent frustration) during his fight w/ rachel is that when the journalist w/ the cigar refuses to put it out, um,

“Would you mind, sir, throwing away your cigar? The smoke is bad for my friend.” [...]

“There’s no rule against smoking that I know of,” said the journalist. “If people aren’t well, they have only to stay at home.” [...]

“In any case, sir, you are not very civil,” observed Saint-Loup to the journalist, still in a mild and courteous tone, with the air of appraisal of a man judging retrospectively the rights and wrongs of an incident that is already closed. (239-40)

and see THIS IS ME this is exactly how i act when i’m angry at someone in public (incl. or maybe esp. if that someone is myself ha), fuckin carrying on another conversation in the background as proof ur Still Sane, BUT THEN

[A]fter the courteous words that he had just uttered, he brought down his hand with a resounding smack upon the journalist’s cheek. (240)

AND LIKE?? i don’t think this would creep me out nearly so much if the pretext (tho obv not the reason) for it weren’t. an ableist comment. “If people aren’t well, they have only to stay at home.” but i’ve more than once gotten angry w/ someone, chewed someone out, for saying something ableist to my friend (tho in the case that comes to mind the comment could be applied to me as well), and in my experience that kind of vicarious anger is?? because you know your friend’s upset about it but don’t know what to say to help them, so you resent the perp for showing you your own impotence, for distracting your and your friend’s attention from more important things w/ their needless judgmental bs. and THAT makes sense here? but without those other layers--of 1. “this insult implicates me also” and 2. “you have upset my friend and therefore obliged me to Avenge them since i don’t know how to make them feel better”--it’s... weird. it’s just so Not His Fight i guess, and. i’ve actually written a similar scene, too? in which case some of the interest was in like... the assumption by stronger people that we’ll be flattered to see them use their greater strength in defense of Our Honor, when. no, saint-loup; that’s a nonsensical n paternalistic pretext to vent ur own unrelated anger? m neither needs nor wants a healthy person to punish ableists’ contempt of his ill health? and in fact it’s embarrassing in the first place when ppl respond to our not making a fuss by making the fuss for us?? blugh! i don’t know. i can point out so many gross things about this but still am not satisfied i have identified The Thing About It that makes me so uncomfortable; maybe it’s just because at the same time i do understand both m’s fetishistic admiration of saint-loup’s strength and aristocratic solicitude and saint-loup’s paternalism itself. i’ve been on both sides, tho without the... punching. thing, ha. on that note:

Now that to the measured conversations of the diplomats, to the smiling arts of peace, had succeeded the furious onthrust of war, since blows lead to blows, I should not have been surprised to see the combatants wading in one another’s blood. ... Fortunately the journalist who, staggering back from the violence of the blow, had turned pale and hesitated for a moment, did not retaliate. (240-1)

M OH MY GOD ur purely academic understanding of How Fights Work! sees a guy 2 whose general opinion on violence he defers punch someone n is just like “well, shit, this is it, we’re all gonna die” fdlahgsdf ur......my favorite, and also, same, but possibly this is a mistake we both oughta quit making. Fuckin Liberals &c. &c.

*appropriate since he’s a sergeant!! but what i mean is e.g. when rachel (his gf w/ whom he needs to break up) makes him feel small in public saint-loup will then try to get back some dignity by turning to m like “You oughtn’t to stand about in the cigar smoke like that, it’ll make you ill” (3.237). it’s like what i said yesterday about my own solicitude--that it’s about liking to feel useful, liking for there to be a subject on which you know what to say. but it’s jarring to me to see this sense of return to familiar ground detached from same-feeling--to see the “useless person’s dream come true” phenomenon in a situation where saint-loup has no obvious reason to consider himself an expert other than his general aristocratic + busybodyish(!!!) tendency to anticipate people’s interests, to want to Know Everything about his friends.