#[fml man... I just want to get back to functioning normally.]

[replicantdeviancy]

After recovering from surgery for the last three weeks, I need to totally reverse my sleep schedule to return to work. I didn't mean to mess it up this badly, but I had a lot to do irl in the day time. Between the holiday, appointments & getting repairs done to my car, I've been crazy busy.

Smol edit, when i was writing this, I had a mild medical scare. I'm fine & I won't go into details, but there's a slim chance that i won't be going back to work on the 6th. I hope I do... Sudden, unnecessary stress....

[icedteaandoldlace]

Y'ALL. Wild work story time!

So early in the evening, I get a call from this woman who has already ordered, but wants to add something to her order. Her original order was 18 wings and two salads, and her total was under $2.00 because she had store credit. So she adds 6 more wings and another salad and that's it, and she double checked with me to make sure it was all on the same ticket, because her husband was gonna be picking it up, and she didn't want him thinking he got everything and leaving something behind, which is a thing that happens sometimes. So anyways, it's a very run-of-the-mill conversation, I update the order, we hang up, and I go about my business. Very shortly afterwards, her husband comes in to pick up the order. I give him his total, which is now $13-something, and he makes this face, and it's not the confused kind of face people normally make when someone adds something to their order without notifying them of the change, but more like he ate something sour or smells something bad, and he says, "No..." and just kinda leaves it at that for a second (waiting for me to magically go "Whoops! Wrong number!" I suppose), but when I do my standard reply instead (confirming the name and the contents of the order), this guy, instead of being like, "Yeah, that's the right order" and letting me explain what happened, he just says, "My total was two dollars."

Which is confirmation enough for me that it's the right order, so I try again: "The wings and the salads, for Rose? Your wife called just a minute ago and added more to the order." And right in the middle of my sentence, he asks to speak to a manager. And since I'm not 100% certain I heard him correctly (because I WAS TALKING when he said it), I'm like, "What? Did you say you want to see a manager?" No reply. Awkward pause. I ask again. Same thing. And this is not the first time he's started to talk while I was talking, either, nor was it the last. This conversation has a lot of awkward starts and stops, like the verbal equivalent of riding with someone learning how to drive a stick shift, and every single time I ask him to either repeat what he said or just confirm that I heard him right, it's like talking to a brick wall. And at no point at all does he act like he's having trouble hearing me, or like he doesn't understand what's going on, but he doesn't acknowledge a single thing I say, so while I am getting very flustered because I'm having trouble discerning what he wants or what I need to explain, and because nothing I say is having any kind of effect on him whatsoever, he is just weirdly interacting with me yet also acting as if I don't exist at the same time. He did ask me to repeat the total once because he had forgotten what it was, but again didn't react when I repeated it, just another weird pause, even though he can hear me talking and see my lips moving. At one point he brought up his wife's credit, as though still convinced I had the wrong order or something had just been entered incorrectly, and he asked how much the individual items cost. So I printed out his ticket, read the individual prices and the original subtotal ($38-something) AND the amount of the credit, AND the final total, and concluded that it was correct, even making sure to add that "...so with the third salad and the other wings that she just added, that puts the total at [whatever it was]," JUST IN CASE he somehow missed that detail the first time. And yet again, there is no acknowledgement toward me or anything I'm saying, and he didn't even glance at the ticket when I printed it out, not even in an, "Oh, movement out of the corner of my eye, what is this?" kind of way. Just...nothing. And this all happens in a very short frame of time--like, probably just a little over a minute, possibly even less--but apparently his majesty thinks I was taking too long to get the issue sorted out (even though I had explained it repeatedly and in detail), so he goes, "Well, I'm tired of waiting," and says it in this conceding manner, as if he Knows he's being overcharged and it's some strange mystery as to WHY, but he's going to let it slide and just pay the full total I gave him because he's Such A Swell Guy Giving The Mixed-Up Cashier A Break. And so as he starts to open his wallet, since it's the first time I've had the opportune moment to bring it up, I say, "And some of the wings are still cooking, so it'll be a few minutes before they're ready," because letting someone know their food isn't ready yet is crucial information when they're there to pick it up. It should have already been obvious that it wasn't ready given that I'd already told him his wife JUST CALLED to add more to the order, yet he just makes one of those "this might as well happen" faces, the kind that's like so annoyed it's almost amused, and this is something I see quite a bit whenever someone just has one thing after the next going wrong with their order (usually something that can't be helped, like we ran out of several things they wanted to order), and sometimes the person making that face does actually get annoyed with me or with the restaurant over it, but a good bit of the time they just have a little personal #FML moment at the universe in general, and then they gather their composure and they're like, "okay, yeah, that's fine" and let me know they don't blame me. But with this guy, I couldn't tell which it was gonna be. So anyway, he puts his wallet away and goes to the bench to wait. It's not out of the ordinary for someone to want to wait until their food is ready before they pay, especially if they have reason to suspect something might go wrong with it, and it's usually a very chill situation and they're not dicks about it or anything, and I figure this is just one of those situations, so I just make a mental note to remember he hasn't paid yet in case I need to remind him. So I move on to the next customer, and after I've taken care of them right quick, I go to make the guy's third salad, and ended up having to make all three of them, because no one had made the original two. Since there are no interruptions, this takes only a couple of minutes. Then once I have all three of his salads finished and put in the fridge, there's another customer who needs a salad made, so I start on that one. Right in the middle of working on the other person's salad, this guy shows up at my side and says, "What the fuck is the holdup?!" As if he had been waiting for thirty minutes as opposed to like, five, give or take. Like, I wasn't even sure his wings had had time to finish cooking yet, since 15 minutes is our standard wait time. But the man is enraged and acting like he's being treated horribly, and he's steady ranting and cussing for the whole world to hear (he had the nerve to make some sort of complaint about bad manners?), and I just say calmly, deliberately not acknowledging his bad attitude, "I'll check on your wings for you." So I check on his wings, leaving the salad half-made, and sure enough, his wings are now ready, and they can't have been sitting for more than a few seconds, given how little time has elapsed. So I bag them up, functioning on autopilot, because he's reached the level of angry that I don't engage with, because when someone's that angry, your only options are A) try to reason with them, which is guaranteed to fail, B) get snippy, thus escalating the situation and getting fired, or C) letting your body register how overwhelmed you suddenly feel and bursting into tears. None of those are good ideas, so I just act as though he's any normal customer who's not making a scene, and bring him his stuff, making sure to check the screen as I go to hand it to him to see if someone else has cashed him out yet. I can see that he still hasn't paid, but as soon as everything on his order is present, he snatches it up, whirls around, and swiftly storms out. Before he can get away, I call loudly, knowing good and well that he can hear me, "You haven't paid yet," not bothering to sugarcoat it with my customer service voice. He deliberately ignores me. I make no further effort to stop him, because while I have reminded irate customers that they still had to pay for their orders, and I have gone after people who simply forgot to pay before, there's no way in hell I'm about to chase down someone who flat out refused to pay for their food, because anyone that brazen and unpredictable is not someone I'm going to force a confrontation with. And since the whole thing was so surreal, I didn't actually register what happened enough to do anything else about it, so I just went back to making the other person's salad. But the other server on duty fortunately had the presence of mind to tell the shift manager what happened, then he asked me about it, I filled in the blanks for him, and then he made a call, either to someone higher up or to the police. And he tried to call the customer, too, because duh, we have his phone number from the order. Dummy didn't think that through when he made his grand exodus.

It was insane. All the other customers in the building were side-eyeing the guy and giving their own commentary on the situation. One guy who had dined in said as he was paying for his meal that he had been able to see the guy pull out from his table, and that he'd been in such a hurry that he almost hit another car pulling in on his way out. And I know someone called the police at some point, because they showed up shortly after this all went down, but once they did, the manager had finally gotten a hold of the man's wife, and she agreed to pay for their food over the phone, so there were no charges pressed in the end. The wife has been quoted as saying, "My husband can get a bit impatient," much to the incredulity of the entire staff. Then once everything was taken care of, the police decided to have dinner there, in part to keep an eye out in case the guy came back to cause more trouble, which he fortunately did not.

And all this before the sun had even gone down.

[keirnytee]

THE DECISION

After my 26th birthday and an epic trip to Seoul, South Korea last year, I knew I had to somehow make turning twenty 7 even better. I initially planned on going to Turkey but the political climate was too much for me to risk a visit. I was very staunch in finding the perfect place to mark another year of life. Per usual when I make plans, I extended an invitation to some friends but ‘adulting’ got the better of them and so they couldn’t make it. If you recall my last travel blog you’ll know that I have no qualms about traveling alone. Then it hit, I watched so many episodes of reality tv shows with the cast going on these extravagant trips, so why can’t I do the same? That goal was achieved when I booked my holiday for Bali, Indonesia. As an avid viewer of Bravo and a fan of The Real Housewives of Orange County, I recalled how much fun they had in Bali and I knew that would be the right fit. I mean, you don’t have to be affluent to travel, so Bali had better brace itself for the Keirn Up. (cc: my good friend @scheanamarie)

SOARING TO PARADISE

On February 14 I boarded China Eastern Airlines flight MU744 for Bali. As I sat in the plane, all I could think about was how much fun this whole experience will be. I was more anxious than ever before for the plane to take off. As most of my friends know, I can fall asleep anywhere and at the oddest times, which is what happens every time I travel. It doesn’t matter if it’s a 30 minutes car ride or a 16 hour flight, Keirn will be knocked out. Like clockwork, I was out like a lamp and before I could change sleeping positions, the stewardess interrupted with “Excuse me sir. Would you like chicken and rice or beef and noodles?” I couldn’t be angry at her because if it’s one thing I love about flying, is the delicious and well prepared airplane food (you can disagree if you want haha). I had layover in Beijing, China and had to switch planes but it wasn’t long before I was back in the air. I was a bit shocked to see so many Chinese traveling to Bali. Yes, I boarded a plane in China but that meant nothing. LOL. Oh, in case you were wondering, I took the chicken.

After 3 hours and 20 minutes of flight from Nagoya, Japan (NGO) to Beijing (PEK) and 9 hours of flight from Beijing (PEK) to IGusti Ngurah Rai International Airport (DPS), I was finally in Bali.

“It was so hot, the heat hit me like a mack truck driving at 120 MPH on the freeway”

SALAMAT DATANG DI BALI (WELCOME TO BALI)

Unlike the housewives, I had no grand greeting party nor a luxury vehicle waiting for; or so I thought. When booking my trip, I opted this time to use Airbnb. (A man’s gotta save some coins for a rainy day :D). I didn’t want to be in the centre of the tourist area nor did I want to be too far out of the city and have to worry about transportation, so I reserved a quiet Joglo in Denpasar which was only 30 minutes or less from the airport. It was also very accessible to the beaches and close enough to the key attractions. Rudy, my host, had arranged my pick up from the airport. I walked around and saw my name on a sign being hoisted in the air. It felt surreal. I’ve never had my name written on a sign before, nor did I ever have a driver wait for my arrival. Coming off of the tourist high in Seoul, I felt more confident in this new role and fully embraced the character I’d assume for the next couple of days. While I didn’t have a greeting party, I did have a luxury vehicle and that was enough for me. Take that OC! 

It was so hot, the heat hit me like a mack truck driving at 120 MPH on the freeway. I began peeling off layers of clothing in the airport parking lot while Mandus, my driver, retrieved the car. For some reason, I forgot that my comfy winter attire wasn’t right for this Bali weather.

It wasn’t long before we arrived at our destination and instead of a house, cuz that’s what I pictured it to be, I shocked to see a fully functioning resort of some kind. I was tired, not because jet lag, but the heat had sucked every life out of me. I was given a key, shown my room and off to bed I went. No, I didn’t give my driver a tip. I have great excuse I’ll share later. (Hopefully it’ll hold up LOL)

  DAY 1 – SHARED TOUR WITH NEW FRIENDS

I slept like a newborn after being suckled by his mum on fluffy white clouds for pillows. Never have I ever felt so rested. I heard birds chirping in the distance and reached for my phone to stop the alarm. To my amazement, it wasn’t my phone that emitted those sounds, but actual birds in the garden. I was indeed in paradise. Without hesitation, I took a warm shower and went to the garden to see what the plan  was for the day.

Last year, I stayed at a guesthouse which included breakfast but since this was an Airbnb I had to pay. Given my budget of 500USD (about 6.7 million rupiah ‘IDR’) I didn’t want to take the chance of purchasing breakfast so I gobbled down my bottle of water with the utmost urgency. Water never tasted so good. It sounds cheap but I had no idea if the cost for breakfast was more expensive when compared to restaurants on the island. Besides, I had plans for more my birthday that would require me to use most, if not all my cash.

I met the host, Rudy, and other members of staff. They were extremely warm and friendly (as they ought to be). I was informed of a shared day tour that they had planned and asked if I was interested. Um…did they think traveled all the way from Japan to sit in my comfortable room? Not that it was a bad idea haha! “Heck yea!” I chirped. (Chirped. Get it? LOL) This also meant that transportation (45USD) for the day would be split three ways. Not a bad way to start I might add.

Ben, Faye and I boarded our vehicle and headed for our first stop on the day’s tour. This time, we had a different driver than the one who picked me up from the airport. Rudy seemed to have thought about everything as our driver, Wayan Sudar, spoke English really well so he was able to provide valuable information when requested. Remember when I said I’d tell you why I didn’t tip the first driver? As it turned out, Ben and Faye had the same dilemma. We didn’t know the acceptable amount to tip someone in Bali. It was agreed that it was better to not tip than to offer money that can’t even buy gas. We arrived at a Batik place that made sarongs. I’ve heard about the work that normally goes into making these lovely pieces of art but seeing it up close made me so appreciative of this experience.

Astonishing work

Making a sarong

We then visited Taman Ayu Luwak Coffee where our palates were met with the most scrumptious teas and coffees, Luwak Coffee, you could ever find. What was even more astounding was how the beans are harvested. That I’ll spare you the details cuz you may never look at coffee the same way again.

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Batuan Temple was next, which would set the precedent for what to expect when visiting temples in Bali. It was here that we learnt one very important use of the sarongs. Upon entering every temple ground in Bali, one has to cover themselves if they aren’t covered properly from the waist down. As with every culture and religion, the Balinese have their traditions and practices so we had to abide by the rules. Else, risk being denied access and being seen as a rude, obnoxious tourist. I was fascinated by the amount of tourists that were at the temple. As one group left, another would enter. I was once again part of this tourist brand and it was a damn good feeling. Let me just say, if you’re ever planning on visiting this temple, though free, a contribution of about 75USD is expected. “Don’t moan about it, just do it.” I thought to myself, this is what being a tourist meant.

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If you thought Day 1 was even ready to be complete, you better think again. It was noon just noon and already we had a bellyful of knowledge about some Balinese culture. The sun and heat were brutal. We needed to seek refugee. Luckily, we had a well air conditioned car that would provide solace. Ben and Faye are from England, which meant lunchtime was just as important them as it was for me. Wayan drove us to Grand Puncak Sari Restaurant for lunch. When we arrive there, we noticed it was buffet style setting. My belly let out a growl so loud from hunger, you’d think it was Gerald Butler as Leonidas in the movie 300, yelling, this is SPARTAAAAA! At that moment, any consideration about my budget was out the window. I cared very little for taking a picture or snapping shots of the restaurant. The hunger was real and I wax extremely ravenous. Heck, I’m even getting hungry writing this. LOL! We sat down and in little time, devoured our first round. I felt like I had one an olympic gold medal for having lasted 3 hours without food (due in part to my own misery ways). Lunch was divine but after two rounds, it would have been gluttonous to pursue a third. We were done.

Beyond the restaurant was the Kintamani Volcano. I’ve never been that close to a volcano in my life and I was both intrigued and nervous. It last erupted 10 years ago, so do the math. Haha!!

Kintamani Volcano

HOT SPRING AND A KECAK DANCE

Exhaustion from viewing the beauty of Kintamani Volcano called for a relaxing time in one of Bali’s most famous hot springs, Toya Devasya. I had no plans of actually bathing in the spring but when I entered the premises, I was enchanted. The property was adorned with an purple elephants, accentuated by the black an white paint. This felt like the advertised Bali you’d find in a pamphlet. The cost was about 100USD and once again, my budget flew out the window. To top it all off, I didn’t pack any swim trunks so I had to purchase one for a measly 50USD. FML!

Day 1 was almost over. I didn’t think anything could make even better. I was wrong. You can’t go to Bali and not attend the Kecak Dance. The dance is usually accompanied by 100 men in chorus which tells the story of how Rama rescued his wife Sita from the devious Ravana. The dance was a sight to behold especially when one of the dancers danced over, on and the fire.

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The Kecak ended around 8pm and I was ready to head back to Rudy’s. When you’re having fun, time really flies. Since I was on a spending spree, I ordered dinner from the kitchen and was given a traditional Balienese meal, Nasi Ayum Betutu. I wish I had taken a picture of this well prepared meal but hunger got the best of me. 

Day 1 was filled so many new and exciting experiences. I could only imagine what the rest of the holiday would be like. Stay tuned for part 2.

Till next time.

reallyGOBBY: Keirn

Twenty 7 in Bali: Part 1 THE DECISION After my 26th birthday and an epic trip to Seoul, South Korea last year, I knew I had to somehow make turning…

[ihavenofocusandimustscream]

So I’m going to be 25 soon. fuck

It’s been 25 years of fear and shame and self-victimization. Only 10ish years of trauma and responding to that trauma by becoming fearful and passive aggressive. Instead of trying to find value in myself, I always envied others for their tenacity and courage. Their happiness. Their ability to just be in the world.

I lived with fear for so long, I eventually submitted to it during my formative years. With fear came shame and guilt. I felt guilty that I was gay because I couldn’t make my mother a grandmother. That I could never raise a family and follow the word of God.

I’m tired of surviving mentally, and creating fantasies in my head where I will one day be truly loved, to make up for all the years of pain. I just want to dance with somebody who loves me. I just want to make, keep, and maintain a friendship. I just want to be normal and functional. 

I don’t mind being unhappy, but it’s tiresome and boring. I’m tired of making friends with people who help me relive my trauma. I left them for a reason. No matter how much I can empathize with them, I can’t let myself sink anymore. I’m tired of being manipulated by people who can tug on my heartstrings. I’m also tired of not making friends with others. I’m tired of not having a goddamn clue who I am

I want to be a doctor so I can provide for my community and use my wealth and status to influence the public to do good. To prove that healthcare can be affordable. That’s how I’m making that profession my own. Not because I want to support my family’s business. Because I have always promised myself that I would use my intellect to the advantage of society at large. That’s what it means to be a real Christian and bar that, a true human being.

*idk what my religion is, but I was raised hardcore baptist and I’m trying to hold on to the positive values that always rang true with me, namely the golden rule and loving your neighbor. from a strictly logical point of view though, cooperation always makes more sense when all parties are involved and with similar intent. raising one another up rather than holding them back.

Love for others is the most powerful force out there, and I’m tired of repressing and rejecting it at every turn. I have to love myself. I refuse to shame myself. I have shit habits from trauma survival and general insolence (rebelling against over controlling authority plus no motivation from depression). I don’t need that anymore.

I want to sing and laugh and dance. To go to the beach and not give a fuck. To have lots of sex and lovers and friends. To serve my community. To learn Spanish and French and Mandarin like I’ve been trying to do since I was 3 years old and realized that most of the world is multilingual and that I can’t communicate with them unless I learn their language.

I’m tired of this age of terrorism. I want to live with the same courage and curiosity I had back then. Those qualities I was trying to protect by repression. I need to let go of my pain. I’ve always known that. But somehow, I feel more....ready to do this.

This queer folk music is giving me so many emotions. I need to volunteer and get out. I hate settling for second or third rate.

Speaking of I need to take a shit and get a coffee so I can keep working...fml I’m having a moment and don’t even get to sleep on it until tomorrow 4am probably. or on the bus. idek. I just needed to write this down so I can show myself that I love myself.

I will get an A in this class. And then I’m partying hard this weekend. And I’m getting something for Dad on Friday.

*I know this is very disjunctive. its for me, not for you. please don’t reblog.

I left you and while you do deserve better, so do I. I’m tired of being someone else’s Samwise, devoting myself to them and not getting that love reciprocated. I’m tired of pretending I’m prince charming to a domineering personality. I am my own man. A gay man. A gay hispanic man.

Enough is enough. I need to love myself. I need to encourage myself. I need to be myself. I need to join the wider LGBT community. I think today is a good day. Well, tonight anyway...