#[shithole twitter] can we spell it?

[monodoesstuff]

BANABNA BREAD

[tiffgeorgina]

about the bastard babey!

hey y’all im getting kinda close to 100 followers so im just gonna make a quick abt so yall can like. know me and shit. adding a cut bc this is kinda long

-y’all can call me indigo or tiff idc lol. i do not kin tiff georgina, let me just put that out there. i just liked the url. any pronouns please. im lesbian and i reclaim dyke but not queer. call me queer and i will block you. nonlesbians don’t call me dyke or expect the same treatment.

-im 18 so keep that in mind if you’re like. 15 and want to message me. or if you’re +30 and want to msg me. just let me know how old you are if you’re drastically older/younger than me so i know how to interact with you appropriately yk?

-im the resident bootleg lady! yes im @indigo-boots and my list of bootlegs can be found here: https://encora.one/indigo +1000 recordings and counting! im currently closed to gifts and sales, but im open to trades so feel free to msg me to talk about boots or trade! respect NFT dates or die.

-i’ve been running this blog for a few months now, probably since the tail end of season 1 of black monday. i originally just wanted to claim the canon url, then i actually started posting my hot takes here and the rest is history. i will probably always be posting about black monday, the book of mormon, and falsettos here. yes i stan andrew what of it.

-im @tiffgeorgina on twitter and @socialjusticemage_ on reddit in case you see me over there. i literally just andrew post on my twitter so if you stan feel free to follow me uwu

-i think im like. the resident black monday stan. like if you go through that tag it’s all me babey! i track #black monday.

-i have a lot of black monday-specific tags. #open mic night is for asks, #men get pegged is blair, #women be shopping is tiff, #biggest set of nuts on ball street is dawn, #black moses is mo, #more flaming than fire island is keith, i had tags for the agent mills and agent fox but i forgot it :| #a million queue lawyers a million queue years to queue out is my queue tag duh, #slander is my tag for things i say outside the tags (it’s from episode 5 if you’re curious), #otp: partners. is my mo x dawn tag, and there’s probs more i don’t care to mention lmao

-my asks are always open, so feel free to yell about literally anything to me. black monday, fic prompts (since im starting to actually write), discourse, etc. anon is always on so idc what yall say uwu feel free to say things. on that note my msgs are also always open so if y’all need somebody to talk to about anything andrew-adjacent (especially black monday) feel free to msg me. also if you want to watch black monday msg me and i can get you a link (it’s SD but it’s better than nothing)

-this user does not tolerate: racism, homophobia, lesbophobia, biphobia, transphobia, transmisogyny, or other forms of bigotry or freakazoidism. be normal and also do not ask me about ace discourse or i’ll lose all my followers lmfao

-this user is also of the opinion that blair’s last name is spelled phaff, blair is gay, dawn’s last name is towner but it should’ve been darcy, and nobody at showtime PR knows how to do fuckin anything. 

-i listen to a shitton of musicals, including but not limited to: the great comet, falsettos, the book of mormon, mean girls, heathers, hamilton, six, we are the tigers, hairspray, cabaret, moulin rouge!, &juliet, beetlejuice, the prom, legally blonde, 13, be more chill, hadestown, and next to normal. i’ll probably post about all of these over here from time to time.

-i listen to a bit of kpop too, so you might see some idol gifsets here too (probably just my wife heo solji from exid let’s be real)

-im half ashkenazi jewish, so if i use the k slur don’t decapitate me bc if i ever use it it’s reclaimed uwu

-im from northern california, but i live in southern california for school. i’ll almost always be on PST unless i specify otherwise.

-porn blogs DNI. switch to your fucking sideblog and put your fucking dick away. put your fucking dick away.

-if y’all have any questions about falsettos/black monday/the book of mormon feel free to ask or msg me! there are no dumb questions and i will jump at any chance to launch into a giant analysis post lmao

-i try to rb everything im tagged in and interact with y’all as much as possible bc ily so feel free to annoy me at like all hours

-my main is @ninetyfivepercentstress as seen in my desc. that’s where i send asks, replies, likes, and follow backs.

-i might update this some more later if i feel like it lol thanks for reading y’all and welcome to this shithole of a blog!

[regularbeans]

Best Artists of 2019

Hello and welcome to me forgetting how I do these things.

So as you may have noticed I got into kpop last year and then I continued getting into kpop this year. This year I got to know a lot of other artists in kpop and mostly spent my time listening to one specific artist (you will never guess whom) so this list is... just that ok. Also this category used to be called best newbies and only included artists I got to know in a specific year then I changed it to include any artist I listened to a lot but with a few exceptions all the music I listened to this year were new discoveries for me so...

Idk why I always overexplain these, huh.

Honourable mentions go to Monsta X, Nu’est, Chungha, Sunmi, Stray Kids, Bolbbalgan4, The Boyz, and returning artists Mamamoo ♥♥

7 - NCT (the whole of it but mostly 127)

As a baby kpoppie NCT always seemed so intimidating to me with its many many members but the few songs I liked from them upon first listen eventually lured me into getting to know them. Now I’m no expert but to me NCT is a little frustrating because I feel like the label could do so much more with them (and by more I don’t mean to make certain members work even more). I have to admit I often don’t feel like a proper fan because I don’t follow them very closely but to me their music is always the best part of the package and I care very little for their vlogs and... whatever else they’re doing, honestly.

But as a group I feel like they really could do anything as they’ve already explored so many styles and concepts there really isn’t anything that doesn’t sound like them. My personal favourites are Superhuman, Touch, and Boss but this year NCT Dream made a really good comeback I was 100% on board with with Boom, and Wayv’s debut Take Off was also 👌👌👌👌👌👌

6 - Oneus

I didn’t know a whole lot about anything when these guys debuted and I didn’t even know Valkyrie was their debut song for a long time. It was nice and I didn’t really keep them in mind any longer until they were on Weekly Idol with the other group I’ll talk about in a bit and then I mean, I just had to adopt them, I think we all did at that point. It was also around the time they had their first comeback and it was 👌👌👌👌👌👌 but they still only lived in my tiny brain as a group I’ll eventually get into. And then they released 가자 and I did!

They have two amazing rappers and a fairly versatile vocal line and a style that allows for both dynamic bangers and less radio friendly albeit still addictive tunes that defines their sound even further. I don’t know a lot about how they well-promoted they are, I know they have a shitton of schedules so I hope RWB calms the fuck down eventually and paces themselves because these boys are really promising.

I guess checking their title tracks, Valkyrie, Twilight, and *cringe* Lit should have to suffice but also Bingbing and Blue Sky.

5 - Tomorrow x Together

I never said I didn’t like them so stop staring at me.

Obviously their debut was exciting and interesting and I was really looking forward to seeing what they would be like. It wasn’t 100% my cuppa though Crown was an amazing song, I was still happy for them and excited to see how they would evolve overtime. I kinda fell off the bandwagon around May and June cause they weren’t really putting out content based around music and I’m not super interested in variety shows and reality shows unless I’m really invested in the members, but their first comeback was also 👌👌👌👌👌👌👌 The songs are really poppy and catchy and cover a variety of themes I think most people interested in getting emotional value out of music can relate to and Yeonjun and Soobin are just, simply put, my boys.

If I could have one comment on what I’d like to see change in the future it’d be the endless masking and layering of the vocals. I can just about tell their voices apart in certain songs but then they pump ‘em full of effects in other songs and I’m jus like whomstdve the fuck am I listening to?

Check out Crown and Run Away, their two title tracks so far and also my personal favourite, Magic Island and maybe Can't We Just Leave the Monster Alive? too and this one as well whatever.

4 - Taemin / Shinee

I’ll put these two together because yOU CAN’T SEPARATE THEM OKAY I mean it is true that Taemin’s solo material is vastly, vastly different from Shinee’s music but uh this is how I decided.

Shinee is very fun, very diverse, they have the most heart-wrenching songs and then the most upbeat melodies that kickstart the serotonin-production in my brain just like that. I mean they are just vocal powerhouses and they’re using it, but in the same time they have like, these low(er)-energy bops that are just so pleasant to listen to.

Shinee’s weird cause I have a Shinee playlist where I put all the songs I liked from them and I think I don’t know the title of a good half of them but I don’t think I’ve ever pressed the skip button while playing that playlist.

And then Taemin is just very different on his own. Vocally he’s way more strong than Shinee’s music would have you believe, and though he has a sexy concept going on most of the time he’s also not way over the top with it which is... weird to say because he’s very theatrical sometimes. But especially if you compare his most recent material to his solo debut stuff he just looks and sounds way more relaxed in what he’s doing (it’s almost as though he’s matured a little over the years. but only a little). Things you love to see: that.

From Shinee: Symptoms, Countless, The Reason, Drive, Don’t Let Me Go, 1 of 1 From Taemin: Stone Heart, Want, Move, Under My Skin

3 - Day6

I want you to picture this: me, crying.

I had heard about Day6 from one of my two kpop mutuals on twitter lmao but I always heard Days Gone By mentioned as the best song ever and when I checked it out I didn’t think it to be very special at the time. It was only because I thought Time of Our Life was ok and cute and Shoot Me was very catchy that I made a playlist with all their songs on it and listened to it one time when I had to walk a mile to the train station at five in the morning. And then I heard 121U and Headache and that was it.

I don’t think I say anything outlandish if I say Day6 could be from any other part of the world if you take a look at their sound. They’re very easy-listening pop rock, they’re the kind of melodic rock music I loved when I was in high school. So what makes them special?

That I love them, that’s what >[ I don’t think they have anything more than any other group in their genre but I think they just have everything to steal my friKKEN HEART. First of all I don’t know what kind of demon deal JYP made to get a hold of four vocalists like this, I mean they’re all different but instantly recognisable and their range is just ????????? I think Jae is considered the weakest vocalist (outside of Dowoon but I mean he’s drums) and even the notes that boy belts out are blowing my mind. He has a very natural, almost untrained-sounding tone, Sungjin’s very raspy and emotional, Young K’s voice is very open and full (I think he actually has the biggest range? I could be wrong), and Wonpil has that boyish, charming, kinda slippery but still stable voice that first grabs your attention.

And of course a lot of the writing credit goes to the group’s very own Young K which makes me feel a lot closer to them when I’m listening to their songs. So good job, guys, on everything.

Truly, though, getting to know Day6 has just been so special this year and it just goes to show how even mainstream pop music in korea can be so diverse and anyone could find something they like at any corner.

Holy fuckbucket, what should I even recommend? I guess listen to Shoot Me, 121U, Headache, then also my first favourite song, Somehow, my current favourite song Beautiful Feeling and my current second favourite song I Need Somebody and also their most recent comeback Sweet Chaos and my recent new discoveries Lean On Me, Goodbye Winter, I Would and but also just check out my Spotify playlist for them I literally love every single song on there. Fuck, Like That Sun, Letting Go, Sing Me, Rescue Me, 365247 i’M DYING HERE, SUNGJIN

BITCH, LIKE A FLOWING WIND

2 - Seventeen

hOkkkaAyy

For the longest time, well, for about five months I guess, I thought these guys would be first place on this list forever. They were the ones who broke the big BTS spell I was under for the second half of 2018 and I really just, fell facefirst into the diamond life. Getting Closer didn’t quite get me in the first round and even Home was a bit like, okay, cute, best of luck for them. Then something happened and both Getting Closer and Home just hit me like a fucking truck even though they’re on two opposite sides of the scale. You know. The song scale. The famous one? That one.

I made a tweet once that I still agree with, that loving Seventeen really is just cutting your own heart up into thirteen even-sized bits and every single bit is filled with so, so much love.

Like many/some(?) of the groups I love, Seventeen is self-composed and for that I am so grateful because their label Pledis is a shithole so thank fuck to Mr. Lee Jihoon for carrying the industry on his back.

The group consists of three units, all of which have their distinct strengths (except for the performance unit, those theatre nerds just had to be good at everything, didn’t they) and Seventeen makes time to explore all of those units, sometimes even making other subunits from different boy configurations (or boyfigurations for short) and somehow it manages to feel balanced and patient and not rushed.

And I especially love how admittedly they started to stop caring about what the public expects from them and they’re exploring concepts that excites them personally. They caught a lot of flak for releasing songs like Hit and Fear after the astounding success Home had back in January and a lot of fans and non-fans alike quoted the groups unwillingness to keep doing what has been proven to work as the reason of their diminishing sales and public interest.

And even though I personally enjoy their brighter concepts also, I just, I can respect that attitude, you know? At the end of the day Seventeen has an obvious and visible love for their own craft and there’s nothing more enjoyable than that.

Now I’m really in trouble as to what to recommend, they have so many different types of songs x”) Okay, Our Dawn is Hotter Than Day, Clap, Adore U, Home, Getting Closer. Also Hit. And like, a billion of their b-sides, just check my spotify playlist for them ok.

1 - Ateez

*feeling of fear*

Do I even have to go into why I love Ateez? Every time I think about them and just how big a part they played in my life this year I get this overwhelming urge to express just why and just how much I love them.

This year I really just... lost the ability to be happy about things that used to give so much happiness. It’s been a sad and scary downward spiral that I just don’t have enough strength to stop so I guess it’s no wonder that I’d latch onto the first thing that becomes an everyday positive presence in my life. Ateez and the memories connected to them this year have been the reason for the few and far between moments of happiness in my life in 2019 and for that I’ll forever be grateful.

It’s like. When it hits, it just hits, you know?

And I just can’t, can’t wait to scream my little heart out to their songs in March with Linn okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I guess if I could just have one wish it’d be for them to play Twilight, and Treasure, Illusion, Say My Name, Utopia, Hala Hala, Win, Mist, Wave, my whole Spotify playlist.

[simul16]

Ginni Di Accidentally Opens a Nazi Bar

I was at a shitty crustpunk bar once getting an after-work beer. One of those shitholes where the bartenders clearly hate you. So the bartender and I were ignoring each other when someone sits next to me and he [the bartender] immediately says, "No. Get out." And the dude next to me says, "Hey, I'm not doing anything, I'm a paying customer," and the bartender reaches under the counter for a bat or something and says "Out. Now," and the dude leaves, kind of yelling. And he was dressed in a punk uniform, I noticed. Anyway, I asked what that was about and the bartender was like, "You didn't see his vest but it was all Nazi shit. Iron crosses and stuff. You get to recognize them." And I was like oh, ok, and he continues, "You have to nip it in the bud immediately. These guys come in and it's always a nice, polite one. And you serve them because you don't want to cause a scene. And then they become a regular and after awhile they bring a friend, and that dude is cool, too. And then THEY bring friends and the friends bring friends and they stop being cool and then you realize, oh shit, this is a Nazi bar now. And it's too late because they're entrenched and if you try to kick them out, they cause a PROBLEM. So you have to shut them down [early]." And I was like, "Oh, damn," and he said, "Yeah, you have to ignore their reasonable arguments because their end goal is to be terrible, awful people." And then he went back to ignoring me, but I haven't forgotten that at all. - @iamragesparkle, posted to Twitter July 8, 2020

Got home from GenCon, and found out that Ginni Di, a D&D YouTuber I respect posted a video that I very much disagree with. Ironically, it's a video where she argues that her older self was wrong when she previously made a video arguing that you should build your D&D character 'wrong', defined as 'not optimized'. In fact, Ginny in that earlier video includes a tweet responding to the 'flak' she had been receiving for building a warlock character without Eldritch Blast:

Hey. D&D is a game. If I wanna build a pretty elf with no hit points and shitty spells so I can tell a story about her with my friends, I'm gonna do it. Because it's a game.

Well, if you know me at all, you won't be surprised to learn that I believe, specifically on this point, that Ginny is clearly, unequivocally, 100% correct. If you have a vision for your character, and the vision for that character does not include a character option that other players have decided is 'optimal', then you are correct, and those other players are wrong, at least when it comes to your character.

Ginny does mention in her apologia that she has since played in other D&D games and, with experience, has learned that bringing a non-optimized character to a game that expects optimization, or vice-versa, can lead to a disappointing play experience; this, too, is 100% unequivocally true. But my problem is not so much with her conclusion, but rather with the chain of reasoning that gets her there, and it makes me fear that the optimization crowd is taking a more nuanced approach to getting their claws into games where they otherwise wouldn't be welcome, with inevitable tragedy eventually to follow.

For starters, Ginny points out that 'optimization' is really a thing that blew up in Third Edition D&D, and that truly 'old school' gamers had a reputation for being very much into story-based and RP-based games. The first part of her statement is true, but the second is actually fairly questionable. I played a fair amount of D&D back in the day myself, and I can say that we didn't call it 'optimization' then, because back then the term 'munchkin' wasn't quite the negative term that it became as part of the evolution to Third Edition. How do I know this? Well, I was there, but the evidence is also pretty clear to see if you know where to look, specifically in Chapter 1 of the Second Edition AD&D Player's Handbook.

Ask a grognard, and you'll likely get a story about how back when folks played 'real' D&D, they rolled 3d6 for their stats one at a time and liked it; there was no 'standard array' or other crutch to support weak players. And this, with perhaps a handful of exceptions, was a crock -- there were so many alternate die-rolling systems for coming up with character stats back during the AD&D era that, by Second Edition, a number of them were incorporated into the official D&D rules. The most commonly used was actually 'Method V', known by the colloquial name of 'roll 4d6 and drop the low die', but at some tables, even this rule was further modified to 'roll 5d6 and drop the lowest two dice', and even 'roll 9d6 for your prime stat and keep the three highest' with some variant of that very generous probability curve for the character's other, lesser stats.

A lot of us were munchkins, is what I'm saying. And we had to be -- if you wanted to be a fighter, there was a huge difference between a fighter with 'percentile strength' (the percentage rating that followed an 18 for a fighter) and one with a mere 17. You needed a 15 Constitution to get any bonus hit points when leveling up, and a 15 Dexterity to get any Armor Class benefit from your high Dex. And in a number of cases, you needed ridiculously high stats just to qualify for certain classes: if you wanted to be a paladin, you needed a 17 Charisma on top of whatever other stats would make you a decent front-line fighter, and to be an illusionist, you needed an Intelligence of 15 and a Dexterity of 16. Some games even played with the official but sometimes ignored rule that having a high enough value in your 'core stat' entitled your character to an XP bonus. In other words, if you didn't have high stats, you weren't 'special', so you did whatever your DM allowed to get those high stats. Ironically, once a character had been played for a long time and had left behind the main game of fighting monsters and taking their stuff, those characters would often develop unique personalities and stories within the game, but that would be by building castles, founding nations, or otherwise making their mark on the world using whatever meta-system the DM was interested in pursuing to allow the characters to continue to adventure long past the point where typical combat encounters would be any challenge. Nowadays, you don't have to wait to reach 'name level' before developing those kinds of interests for your character, and you appropriately don't need to be a munchkin to survive to the point where combat becomes irrelevant in order to pursue that kind of fun at the table.

Ginni also chastises herself for suggesting in her original video that, if you're optimizing, then you're not building a truly unique character. Again, in most cases, Ginni's criticism is entirely true -- in her new video, she argues that an optimizer could certainly come up with 10 unique half-orc barbarians, but for most optimizers, the only thing unique between the barbarians will be the specific class feature that the optimizer chooses to emphasize; the characters will be superficially unique, but will basically all be the same character, the big half-orc barbarian that does one specific thing really well. Even if those characters have different selections for backgrounds or slightly different backstories, those features won't actually influence the play of the character at the table, because the character will always be about doing their one thing as frequently as possible in order to emphasize how that character is 'better'.

The really bizarre point she makes in her new video is in apparently accepting that optimized characters still have weaknesses, and illustrates her point by noting, "That's why wizards are so easy to hit." It's the kind of statement that makes me wonder if she's ever actually played at the same table with a low-level elven bladesinger or mountain dwarf wizard whose AC against key attacks is well into the 20s (thanks largely to Shield) before level 5, which makes them nearly impossible to hit.

She also speaks for a bit about how her old video (and I'm paraphrasing here) 'prioritized the flavor of a mechanical choice over its impact on gameplay', without seeming to recognize that what she's describing with her example of building a musical wizard instead of a bard isn't actually an example of optimization -- if what you're trying to do is grab the flavor of a bard with the trappings of a wizard by reflavoring class abilities and choosing non-traditional skills, you're not necessarily optimizing. You're optimizing if you find a way to be a wizard and still be a mechanically more effective bard than an actual bard. Doing the latter is actually a Bad Move, especially if your wizard effectively sidelines another player's bard character by doing so.

And that drives to the heart of what I think Ginni is really trying to communicate here. She is careful to point out that some games do presume a certain amount of combat and thus expect the players to be fairly effective in combat situations, while other games de-emphasize combat in favor of alternative solutions to encounters and being 'loosey-goosey' with the combat rules, and that a non-optimized character in the former game would be as challenging to the 'fun' of the game as an optimized character would be in the latter game. She wants to re-build bridges, by making the entirely reasonable argument that there are games for optimizers and games for non-optimizers, and that you're not a bad person for preferring to play in one style of game over the other.

But then she hit the portion of the video where she defended the Stormwind Fallacy, and I was reminded of the story that leads this essay.

I've previously mentioned the Stormwind Fallacy as an example of a number of bad-faith arguments that optimizers will use to attempt to convince non-optimizers to allow optimization in their otherwise non-optimized game. And when used in this bad-faith manner, the argument is no different than an otherwise mild-mannered Nazi walking into a bar. In a sense, the Stormwind Fallacy isn't strictly wrong; an optimizer can choose to role-play if he chooses to do so. But the point, when used as part of a bad-faith argument, is that the optimizer will never prefer to role-play over optimizing, and any role-playing he does do is in service to making the game he's playing more amenable to optimization, until, without realizing it, the DM is now running a campaign for optimizers, regardless of what she originally set out to run.

Optimization drives out other play styles. That's what it does.

In fact, Ginni's entire recent video essay, taken as a whole, is a great example of what philosopher Karl Popper, in a note within his seminal work "The Open Society and Its Enemies", called the Paradox of Tolerance: A society that seeks to have unlimited tolerance will eventually lose all tolerance, because the intolerant will not show tolerance to the tolerant and thus will eventually drive all tolerance from the society. Ginni wants to show the optmiization crowd, which she admits in both essays criticized her heavily both for not optimizing her character Aisling and for suggesting that other players follow her example and find the fun in not being the best in the world at what they do, that she can be tolerant of their choice of play style, and based on the comments to the video, it seems that a number of folks are taking that olive branch in the spirit in which it's intended. But it also opens the door for an optimizer to point to Ginni's essay and say, 'See, even the self-described 'woke millennial snowflake' says that optimizing isn't bad, so you should let me optimize my character,' even though that's not really the spirit of Ginni's essay. In the name of tolerance, Ginni has given ammunition to the intolerant that I can promise you will be used to force optimization into games that don't really support it, despite Ginni's explicit assertion in the essay that optimizing is best done in games with other optimizers.

To badly paraphrase Popper, we should as role-players claim the right to keep optimization out of our games, by DM fiat if necessary, and that any movement that praises optimization places itself outside the bounds of reasonable discussion in the same way that we would not consider a player's argument to own slaves in a fantasy world to be within the bounds of reasonable discussion. You might think that an extreme position, but if you ever accidentally opened a Nazi bar, you just might reconsider. Because the end goal for most optimizers is to play in games that non-optimizers find awful, and you have to shut that down early, if you're going to do it at all.

[beenthroughit]

Square 1

Thursday 5:05 PM. 5, November 2020

I invited a friend over last night, we have been mutuals on twitter for years and she came over to my apartment. I had been so excited for so long, and we didn’t have any fun. It has come to my realization that I have absolutely no social skills, which is hard to believe considering I’ve had friends my whole life. Or at least, that’s what everyone else has said. Growing up, I was surrounded with many friends. I was a student body officer in middle school and was involved in many extracurriculars. I had a few friends that stuck around for a while. During high school my social life began to extinguish. My relationship with my mom, who was my only parent went down the drain as my step dad joined my life, and that’s where I have learned that the only friend I have had my whole life has been me.

My life seemingly feels like extra fucked up, but who am I to say that? I was told about sex at the age of six, I knew men had penises and women had vaginas (with the exception of people who prefer to go by different pronouns) before I knew how to spell the word bathroom. I was raised by a stripper, who finds a thrill in making people miserable, and a hell of a brainiac, who failed his way through high school just to end up graduating college and leading a million dollar company. When my dad found out my mom was cheating on him, he left her and fled to California, where he would open up more offices for his business. It was in his interest to keep me with him, but my mom had other ideas. The woman decided she wanted to keep me with her, by all means I am her daughter. The court would not deem her a liable parent due to her history of employment and substance abuse, but they would listen to my opinion if I had a choice on a parent. She told me my dad had been a sexual predator and he was the one who would come into my room at night, so I would stay with him. It took my seventeen years to figure out that it wasn’t my dad, and it was a man my mom had been cheating on my dad with. The man had been paying my mom to come in to my bedroom and fondle me, while my mom told me it was my father, so she could keep me with her and remain doing this for the next 4 years. Seemingly fucked up, it wasn’t until May this year when I found out the truth to the situation. My relationship with my mom had gone down a shithole, I felt as if I had this hatred held towards my dad forever, but it never made sense. I hadn’t given him a call in months, so I rang him. My mom has been cheating on him frequently through the relationship and he left, it was simple. There was no explanation on him exploiting me. 

“And what about all the times you came in my room?” “What?”

“And touched me?”

I have never heard a man yell in such confusion, he immediately explained that he had no idea what I was on about and needed context. When I gave him context he assured me it wasn’t true and proceeded to tell me the full story of my existence and how he has to pay my mom so much in child support yet all of her money goes straight to her drug addiction. He said the only thing he can do to help me is be there over one thousand miles away. It had occurred to me that since my dad is not around, he is not aware of the conditions I am in. 

The conversation with my dad was chaotic and confusing, after hours the only thing I got out of it was realizing that it is worth standing up to my mom.

She is an evil woman. I do not know a woman that has slept with more men. She uses it to her advantage, which makes me question the men in this society. Her lawyer, her car dealer, her real estate agent, Tommy Lee from Motley Crue. She always had everything she wanted but nothing was ever enough for her. She taught me to lie and to be afraid of her. Growing up with just her was hard, she was always having sex with somebody somewhere in the house. She was always drunk, she was always yelling, hitting, or crying, or throwing up. I was always taking care of her. She always had someone new over, some guy. She took her shitty life out my brother until she kicked him out, then it was my turn. She was never happy with me, I was never enough.

My mom ruined my life to support her demons, and my dad left because he could not handle it. 

I put up with my mom for a long time. In March, after dropping out of school, I joined again and met my boyfriend. He is great, I had confided in him with all of my household bullshit and he held me. He taught me how to stand up for myself. At first, it was very rebellious. There were a lot of drugs, and not a whole lot of sleep. After spiralling with him a few times, we both decided to change. 

My mom donated all of my clothes one day, I came home and my favorite green pants (along with all of my other pants, and shirts, and underwear) were gone. I had spent a lot of time with myself trying to get to a point to forgive my mom, and she did what felt like the biggest fuck you in my face. I packed up whatever items I could get together, I had some clothes at my boyfriends and I ran away. After countless nights in group homes, my boyfriends car, and fighting with my mom, I told her to go fuck herself. I graduated high school early, and I am moved in my own apartment with my boyfriend and my best friend. I now, am stuck with no social skills. I am now my own person and I find it is hard to make friends. This whole time i’ve felt my life needing friends, constantly needing company. I have always wanted company and I have alway had company, but it wasn’t enough. I know, I am lacking in the social skills department, but I should never have been sad about being my own best friend.