#‘​not ashamed of loving u only the things ive done to hide it’

[ilynpilled]

jaime and his symbolism is so obsessed with interrogating purity and becoming unsoiled that he is greying 2x as fast than the average 34 year old:

[muwur]

idk if this counts as an emergency or comfort request but ive been havin a REAL bad body image week nsnnnsnnnsnn could i maybe request headcanons for either oikawa or kuroo (u can pick if u wanna) with an s/o who is rlly self conscious about being chubby/has a really hard time with food and mayb feels like worthless because theyre not the ideal body type? idk sorry if thats dumb aaaah thank u sm if u choose to do this

self-love

♡ scenarios ♡ for oikawa and kuroo

❧ gn reader

✎ 3.7k words

a/n: hey hun, im sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough time lately. this kind of request actually rlly hits close to home, and if u ever need anything, ur mor than welcome to reach out to me :) i can also help look for resources for help, anything really. this goes for all y’all! i dont want none y’all to feel alone with anything ur going thru cuz we’re in this together! and no need to thank me, the pleasure is mine luv 🥰💕 nothing about this is dumb, ur feelings are valid. i hope this will bring you n many others some comfort. also,, FUCK BODY STANDARDS MAKIN US BELIEVE THERE’S AN IDEAL TYPE BC THERE IS NONE N Y’ALL R BEAUTIFUL N IF U DUN THINK SO I WILL COME OVER DER,,, ok im done 🥰🥰 (more notes at the bottom of this, i talk a lot n think its important, didnt wanna add it up here bc it was too long lolol) tw: mentions of bad body and implies disordered eating behaviors

 oikawa

♡ Oikawa was pretty keen, so when he observed a gradual shift in your behavior, he definitely took notice

♡ One day when you showed up to lunchtime empty-handed and sat with your two friends, casually chatting, Oikawa and Iwaizumi gave you a questioning look

♡ “Where’s your lunch, y/n?” Oikawa asked

♡ “Oh, I, uh, ate it already, actually.”

♡ Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow and offered you some of his, but you declined, thanking him and stating you were already full

♡ Later that day in class, however, Oikawa couldn’t help but notice the absence of your boxed lunch container in your unzipped backpack

♡ The next day, you came empty-handed again, blaming it on your forgetfulness during your rush to get to school

♡ However, it became a normal occurrence over time, and while you seemed fine, uneasiness began to prick inside Oikawa’s stomach

♡ Those smiles you wore appeared fragile, and the laughter that rumbled from your throat felt restrained

♡ You seemed more tired and unfocused than usual

♡ Preoccupied, withdrawn, and distant

♡ He could sense something was bothering you, no matter how much you may (or may not) have tried to hide it

♡ On his way to school one morning, he made sure to stop by a convenience store to pick one of your favorite snacks, thinking it was a simple gesture to brighten up the somber aura he’s been detecting from you

♡ “I have a surprise for you, y/n~” Oikawa announced with excitement, rummaging through his bag to pull out the snack and show it to you. “Look, it’s your favorite!”

♡ You could only offer him an uneasy smile, “Oh, you shouldn’t have...” You really shouldn’t have...

♡ When he noticed the tension in your body and expression, a frown appeared on his lips

♡ “Y/n? Is something wrong?” He reached out to place a comforting hand on your shoulder but you swiftly flinched away

♡ ”I’m fine..!”

♡ Surprised at your sudden movement and outburst, you both felt a split second of apprehension crackle in the air before you started to gather your items in a rush

♡ Sighing, you repeated, “I’m fine.”

♡ He wasn’t sure whether you were speaking to him or yourself

♡ “Thanks for the snack, but I’ll pass. Have it for me. You need it more, anyways; you have volleyball practice. I’ll see you tomorrow, Oikawa,” you offered him a solemn smile and left before he could even reply

♡ Some time had passed before he could finally get you to open up to him

♡ And when you did, it crushed his heart to see how much your insecurities broke you

♡ It hurt to hear how low you thought about yourself; how you couldn’t see the beauty in your being; how you deemed food, your body, and yourself as your worst enemies

♡ Thus bringing you to the conclusion that maybe you’d be happy and like yourself if you could just give up that midday snack or your school lunch

♡ Even raincheck a cafe date you were supposed to have together

♡ Maybe also skip dinner, sometimes breakfast the next morning as well

♡ You could manage on just water

♡ Little sacrifices to shed some weight, feel better, and get closer to your ideal body goals

♡ You admitted, however, to questioning whether any of it was worth it

♡ The constant states of hunger, pain, and defeat you lived in

♡ Only to feel as though you were getting nowhere

♡ Oikawa was well aware of today’s beauty standards. I mean, he himself was often praised for his natural charm and beauty

♡ And you felt you could never reach that ideal

♡ “Oikawa, you’re too good for me.”

♡ His eyebrows knitted in concern as he lifted his right hand to caress your cheek softly. “And why do you say that?”

♡ Tears threatened to prick at your eyes. All you could was stare at the ground in silent shame

♡ When you still said nothing, he leaned in closer, his brown gaze softly pleading

♡ “Y/n, look at me.”

♡ When your eyes flickered up to meet his own, Oikawa asked, “You know I love you, right?”

♡ His question was met with a meek, “Yes.”

♡ From your clouded glaze, he could tell that you had a hard time believing in your own response

♡  “Do you know why?”

♡ But before you could respond, he was already answering his own question

♡ “Well...” he began, glancing up in thought and wearing a small smile

♡ “Something about you makes me want to be by your side. I love to see your smiles and hear your laughter, but I always want to be there to hold you when you’re crying and in pain.”

♡ “You’re supportive. You understand what I need, and I don’t always have to explain myself to you. You take your time with me and make me feel like I can be myself. Not many people have stuck around to actually get to know me. Because of that, you’ve never failed to make my day a little better with just your presence.”

♡ “You’re strong and caring. I can rely on you to have my back, and I hope I provide that same comfort to you as well.”

♡ “I love being able to lazy around with you or go on adventures and discover something new. It’s comfortable and exciting at the same time.”

♡ “Your hands feel like they were made to hold mine.”

♡ He reached down to squeeze your hand gently

♡ “Kissing you makes me forget about everything else on my mind. I can just live in the present with you.”

♡ He moved close and gave you a peck above your eyebrow

♡ “You make me want to work hard and be a better person. You help motivate me to try my best, and you never give up on me. Why would I ever give up on you?”

♡  “I learn something new with you everyday. Like right now, I realize that I’ve never met someone who could so easily make my heart race as they could make my heart break.”

♡ “When I look at you, all I can think about is how beautiful you are and how lucky I am to have you in my life as a partner and one of my best friends. Nobody else could fill the gaps within me the same way you do.”

♡ Leaning over to brush his lips against your forehead, he muttered, “I’m going to love every part of you, inside and out. You’re already my ideal. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I could go on about every detail on why I feel so strongly for you, but I’m here to show you everything there is to appreciate about yourself because you’re worth every ounce of care and effort. And if you can’t see it in yourself right now, I’ll love you more than enough for the both of us until you learn to love yourself. I’m here to help.”

♡ And after crying out your tears into his shoulder as he held you close and rubbed your back, you both went to his house to relax and have some dinner

♡ He was patient with you, taking into account how having a meal may have made you feel anxious

♡ It was something small and simple that you two agreed to prepare and share, after some tender coaxing from Oikawa

♡ He later made a list in his journal about tips to keep in mind:

♡ ‘Check up on y/n often to see how they’re feeling’

♡ ‘Encourage them to eat meals/snacks. Don’t be too pushy, but be patient. Try to have eat with them when you can!’

♡ ‘Remind them they don’t have to earn the right to eat, and that their body doesn’t define their worth‘

♡ ‘Look into some mindfulness techniques!’

♡ ‘Don’t overvalue physical appearance. Also focus on all the other redeeming qualities y/n has! But of course I’m always gonna tell them they look cutee--’

♡ True to his word, he remained understanding

♡ He’s there to listen to you, or to sit with you in comforting silence

♡ During lunch he would share his food with you, reassuring you that it wasn’t something you had to avoid

♡ Some days he succeeds in encouraging you to share a milk bun or your favorite snack with him

♡ And on days you really didn’t feel like it, he never forces anything onto you and instead made sure you at least hydrated

♡ Oikawa spends some time doing research and gathering tips on how to help you

♡ Always reminds you of your worth and how you bring out the best in him

♡ He’ll never hold it against you if you ever become hostile, irritated, or in denial. He knows you’re hurting and doesn’t take it personally

♡ Sends you cute memes with all those emoji hearts

♡ Also some food puns (Oikawa: “I’m soy into you. Please brie mine. We are mint to be. I ap-peach-iate you. You got a pizza my heart. Olive you--” ; You: *puts a hand over his mouth* ; Oikawa: 🥺 ; You: “...olive you, too”)

♡ Always ready to give up what he’s doing to make sure you’re okay

♡ Will stay up with you late at night to talk on the phone

♡ Reminds you you’re beautiful at least 8 times a day

♡ If y’all ever go shopping and you try things on in the fitting room,, Oikawa would be your #1 hype man

♡ One time you tried something on, and you were almost too ashamed to step out and show him

♡ But when you did, you were met with his surprise and excitement

♡ “dfghjklkuyfuh” was all you could process from his incoherent speech before he insisted on treating you by purchasing it for you (Oikawa: “Can you wear this for me, like, everyday?” ; You: *weird look* “Why are you like this??” you love it tho--)

♡ Gushes internally over how cute you are during your movie + cuddle sessions, mostly pays attention to you rather than the movie

♡ Mid-movie be like:

♡ Oikawa: “So, uh, what’s happening again?

♡ You: -.- “You might as well google the whole synopsis instead of watching it”

♡ Oikawa: “...it’s not my fault you’re distracting, babe”

♡ Always politely excuses himself from his fangirls to get to you. Also reassures you he much prefers to be with you than anyone else and that you’re the best catch ;)) (You: “Oikawa, no” ; Oikawa: “y/n, yes”)

♡ Suggested doing some meditation together once

♡ You listened to a recording and you sat side by side on a mat, but Oikawa thought the person’s voice sounded funny so he had a hard time focusing

♡ But it ended with y’all laughing and making jokes as he lay his lead on your lap and you played with his hair

♡ Y’all get better at it tho

♡ Cooking dates! To try to show you that food isn’t an enemy and can bring people together :)

♡ Puts music on so y’all can jam together (Oikawa: “Oh my gosh, y/n, this is my favorite song, you’re not even rEADY to see me perform-- ; You: “Oikawa, t-the food! It’s burning!!”)

♡ Cooking dates also show that you should never leave the stove unattended

♡ Every once in a while he suggests seeking professional help. He wishes he could take away your pain and help you all his own, but he knows this is more complicated and required outside help, too

♡ Has help resources READY

♡ As well as small snacks like granola bars for you if you ever feel faint

♡ He doesn’t hesitate to confront you when he feels it’s necessary and he’s worried about your habits

♡ He handles things well, though, and often convinces you to take care of yourself more, even though he’s there to look after you

♡ Has made it his mission to help you win against your battle with insecurities

♡ Overall, he’s very caring and empathetic, hoping one day you’ll see yourself the way he sees you 💖 : strong, amazing, breathtaking, & perfectly imperfect

kuroo

♡ Occasionally, you would think about the day you broke down in front of him

♡ Your body racked with repressed whimpers as you tried to wipe the tears from your eyes and describe the recent state of your mind through choked sobs

♡ Lately, your thoughts were being especially relentless in making you feel miserable

♡ Oftentimes you’d be able to shove the negative thoughts to the back of your mind and carry on your day as usual, expertly acting as though everything in your life was going smoothly

♡ However, you found yourself fighting a losing battle against your own conscious, heavily preoccupied with thoughts of your own worthlessness

♡ And so you tried to cope

♡ But you were painfully aware of everything you felt was wrong with you

♡ You felt uncomfortable in your skin

♡ Every time you passed by your own reflection, you couldn’t help but mentally recoil at the image looking back at you

♡ Your clothes didn’t fit right

♡ Even when you opted for baggy clothes, you felt like you were taking up all the space in them

♡ Maybe it was the weight gain. You could see and feel it in your face, your arms, your stomach, your legs... everywhere

♡ You just wanted to hide away your shame

♡ Perhaps it was the dessert you allowed yourself to eat the other day. Foolish of you to think then that you wouldn’t regret it as much as you did afterwards

♡ As a consequence of those foolish actions, you made mental notes about anything and everything you ate. What it was, how much of it you had, etc

♡ Trying to restrict so that maybe you would lose some weight and come to like how you look

♡ Your obsessive thoughts of food and weight overtook your mind like a dark cloud

♡ Your favorite foods, which before would never fail to brighten your mood, taunted you with shame and guilt

♡ Exercise? Sometimes it was an activity you genuinely enjoyed. Other times, a chore that made you feel shitty or numb and reinforced your unhealthy desire to lose

♡ And you sometimes found yourself crying over your last meal, one you know you didn’t need. One you didn’t deserve

♡ And each time you released the reins on your self-control, you felt pathetic going against the vow you made to yourself  

♡ At this rate, you’d never be beautiful or be happy with yourself

-You’d remain unworthy, fat, disgusting--

-But before you could continue, your story was cut off by the impact of Kuroo’s embrace

-Your surprise silenced your sobs, and you could only stare wide-eyed at the space in front of you as you felt his arms squeeze tightly around your frame

-You both sat there for a few moments on your knees, with your back lightly leaning against a wall

- “I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing,” he begins softly. “Thank you for sharing with me. It must’ve taken a lot for you to do that.”

-He was right. It was your first time reaching out to another person about this. It was the last thing you thought you would’ve done today

- “I want to let you know that you shouldn’t be ashamed for feeling this way. Reaching out is important and brings you the help you need to get better. I know you might not want help right now or think that these thoughts and behaviors are a problem. However, telling me about all this shows that some part of you is recognizing there’s something wrong and you can’t always handle it on your own.”

-There were many reasons you kept this to yourself. You didn’t want to bother anyone else. Your problems seemed so trivial.  You worried saying them aloud would confirm your beliefs. You were scared people would see you differently. You--

-The intrusive thoughts never failed to make you feel ashamed

-However, it was oddly comforting to release the pent up emotions. To know you didn’t have to bottle up this burden anymore, and that you weren’t alone

-You were about to murmur in response when,

- “Also, you’re an idiot, y/n.”

- “Wow, thanks, as if I don’t already think that about myself,” you bit back in response

-You were about to shove him away just when he released his grip around your body and placed his hands on your shoulders

-His eyes shone with determination and a faint, inviting smile spread on his lips

- “You are the one of the single most important things in my life. I just mean you’re an idiot in the sense that you’re overevaluating one aspect to define your whole self. You’ve forgotten about all your other redeeming qualities that contribute to who you are.”

♡ “Your size, weight, shape; none of that matters. What matters is your health and happiness. Neglecting yourself in order to reach an ‘ideal’ that you’ve concluded is the answer to your self-worth is only bringing you farther away from what you truly want.”

♡ “I don’t mean to downplay any of your emotions or how significant this is to you. Your first step was to put your trust into someone else about this. That’s done. Now, I’m here to help you undergo self-evaluation and serve as encouragement on your journey to self-love and acceptance.”

♡ “I also want to remind you progress is not linear. There will be times when things are harder, and that’s okay; it’s part of the process. If you’re open to getting better in the future, I’m sure as hell going to be there every step of the way.”

♡ And with a soft peck to the forehead and another hug, he nuzzled into your neck and muttered, “I love you. And I want you to love yourself. So, please, allow me to help you through this and I guarantee that by the end of it all, it’ll have been so worth it.”

♡ Unsure what to say, you gripped his jacket tighter, buried your head in his shoulder, and muttered, “Thank you.”

♡ While the negative feelings about yourself remained afterward, you were relieved that your boyfriend was supportive and calm

♡ He treated you the same as always, teasing you over dumb things while making you feel like you stood among the highest peaks on Earth

♡ The day after, he had shown up to your house, weary-eyed and carrying his backpack

♡ “Kuroo? Why are you here? Also, why do you look so tired??”

♡ He stepped into your house with a yawn. He stretched his arms, then reached for his bag and whipped out his laptop

♡ “I stayed up a bit last night to do some research, babe! I also learned a lot about nutrition and molecular gastronomy, so I could help you come up with a meal plan that you’re okay with!”

♡ You were touched he was educating himself on how to help you

♡ But you drew the line at the science jokes-- (Kuroo: “You know you love them.” ; You: “‘Na’ I don’t.” ; Kuroo: :ooo “Did you just-- Marry me.”) (Na = sodium lol)

♡ His nutritional research helped you to learn the contents of food beyond calories; mans explains the vitamins, nutrients, amino acids, etc in them that you need and their benefits

♡ “Trout, avocados, and almonds have vitamin E, which is good for your skin! Oh, and don’t get me started on bananas. Yes, they have carbs (which your body needs anyway as a source of energy!), but POTASSIUM?? Shit’s gonna regulate your fluid balance, maintain heart health, stimulate normal muscle function, AND help your brain to communicate with the rest of your body!”

♡ ALSO cooking dates; just as chaotic (“Aw mannn, the egg exploded all over the microwave!” dont ask y it was being microwaved)

♡ Over time, he’s taken mental notes about your thoughts, feelings, triggers, etc

♡ He’s quick to pick up on your mood and will always ask you how you’re doing

♡ Tries to do something special for you on days you’re especially not feeling well, like taking you on a spontaneous date! (You: “Do you know how to ice skate?” ; Kuroo: “Uhh,,, after today, I will hopefully”)

♡ But will also opt for staying in with you and cuddling when you don’t want to go out (Kuroo: “I heard this movie is soooo bad! ...wanna watch it?”)

♡ Invited you to the beach with his team during the first week of summer

♡ You were unsure about this, since that meant going out in public, potentially with minimal clothing

♡ You initially sat on a beach towel under an umbrella, wearing the security of a T-shirt. He’d been aware of how you felt ever since he asked you to come, so he would sit with you and link an arm around your shoulder

♡ “I’m lucky I get to spend this day with you,” he’d say. “You look gorgeous. You always do. Now, I wanna see you smile and have fun. Let’s go take a dip, yeah?” He offered his hand, which you shyly took, and pulled you up

♡ Then immediately picked you up and started running to the water to get you soaking wet, and you were forced to ditch the heavy, waterlogged shirt

♡ However, you silently thanked him for his sweet words, making you feel secure enough to just forget your worries and enjoy the warm sun and cool water

♡ He also tries his best to lessen your anxieties over food and often shares/eats meals with you

♡ Reminds you everyday how much you’re worth to him and that there’s nothing about you that needs to change

♡ This sweet, protective, n smart boi will treat you how you deserve. It’s a guarantee he’ll be there through thick and thin, and he’s excited for the day you realize you’re just as amazing as he knows you are 💕

a/n: oop this was rlly long lol mb, i just may or may not personally know a bit about this so i went oFF

also neded to some som silly n fluff bc we all need dat

also, these r like kinda hc’s ?? but also a deconstructed oneshot/scenario?? bc they provide some rly brief bg story? one from more  of the character perspective while the other more on y/n before we get  to the hc’s about how he treats y/n. how everyone struggles w body image is different n i wanted to portray a bit of what it felt like and how it could manifest in ppl’s behaviors/thoughts. however, this is not to say that everyone feels exactly like this. what i wrote only represents a fraction of it all.

by providing some sort of bg i hope im not making u feel like this isnt u  or that u cant relate, pls lmk if i need to change anything to make it  right for u <3 ok now im actually done sry long author’s note  rfguhofe this is just rlly important to me y’all  , stay safe n take care, much luv for u <3

[leobraganca]

                             𝐚 𝐥𝐞𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐚 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ( 𝐰/ @isvbclv )

I. don’t wanna fall in love - kyle // II. i don’t wanna dance - coin // III. miss me sometimes u do - the nice nice // IV. be honest - jorja smith ft. burna boy // V. catch a feeling - michi // VI. the palisades - childish gambino // VII. i wanna be yours - arctic monkeys // VIII. say it now - faye webster // IX. coffee bean - travis scott // X. cold - adrian // XI. van horn - saint motel

LISTEN HERE

01. don’t wanna fall in love - kyle

Honestly I'm better as your boy I'd be kinda shitty as your man

Don’t be ashamed you see love is a game and I still want to play I’m just too scared to lose and I know you are too

02. i don’t wanna dance - coin

I don't wanna dance I don't know how to dance with you

Losing my cool Over some accidental weekend But honey I've got nothing to prove

03. miss me sometimes u do - the nice nice

Is this really happening? Is it really still a thing? I bust my brains out, what am I feeling? Shouldn’t care, but any table turn And you, miss me Sometimes you do, miss me

04. be honest - jorja smith ft. burna boy

I know you want me Every day, not only when you're lonely‚ yeah You see me think you know me But you don't even know nothing about me‚ yeah

Catch feels, get high If you made your bed, then you can lie Just please don't waste my time

Be honest (be honest) You want this (you want this)

05. catch a feeling - michi

It’s all good, we’re all good Cause I’m fine, we’ll act grown Got no time, cuz I’m lyin When I say that I’m fine I can’t fake the polite, you know me too well for that

06. the palisades - childish gambino

I know the secret we share Look what this feeling has done to me There's something deep in the air Just hope your hands lift me comfortably, oh I don't know why but every time I see you smiling I'm tired of running, tired of playing, tired of hiding If we could be together would that make you happy?

07. i wanna be yours - arctic monkeys

Secrets I have held in my heart Are harder to hide than I thought Maybe I just wanna be yours

08. say it now - faye webster

Go on and say it now If you're anything like me You miss the chance to say what you mean When you're lonesome and everyone forgets that you're there

09. coffee bean - travis scott

How would you feel if I had you? (This is all) Trust me, you would be mad too (This is all) Shawty, we can be mad cool Just hit me if anything past due

10. cold - adrian

Every time that I try I know it's not enough I just keep on telling her She's doing way too much Bad habits are hard to break We bend until we can break Just pour me another drink girl Just pour me another drink

11. van horn - saint motel

note: ahh this was gonna be a good even 10 song playlist but i put my playlist on shuffle on and this song came on and i was like wtf this would’ve been perfect. the vibes are THERE

Well tell me do you me hate me Or do you wanna date me It's kinda hard to tell 'cause your eyes are looking crazy So why you coming over

[jassieajoc]

Dim

I can still remember the very first time I had an anxiety attack. It was a morning on the way to school, I was with my kuya and our driver. I was still in 3rd Grade that time and I can still remember the sudden anxious feeling, It was like the whole world was swallowing me alive. I can still remember myself being so confused. I didn’t know what was happening to me, I was doing okay and the next time I knew I was being paranoid. I felt shitty that day. That day something grew in me. Something foolish and dark. And I didnt know that that something would be the start of my fucking life.

The first time I hurt myself was when I reached High School. Freshman year. Still so clueless of the world ahead of me. Still so innocent of the things I havent tried yet. So eager to try. So naive to care. I was having so fun but deep inside I was lost. I was scared. I was too ignorant that I forgot to think that there would always be a consequence. You see, thats the downside of having fun. The downside of being so happy. There would always be a fucking consequence. I got so insecure. I got so selfish. I thought my family didnt love me anymore. I thought I was going so bad that I became mad and then I got rebellious. I started cutting myself. I tried drinking alcohol. It was the start of losing myself. Sophomore Year came. I was doing okay. I wasnt as bad as I was. But I was as lost as before. The sad nights were still there. I got called names. Bitch. Slut. I got called names for being too friendly. For trying to distract myself from my evil self. Now im back again on hurting myself. This time, I would stay up all night thinking foolish thoughts. I would cut myself again but this time I cut my legs so that its easy to hide. I did foolish things in school again. But it was the kind of fun that makes you forget you are sad. I was doing okay after that but im still lost as ever.

The first time I had a suicidal thought was when I was still 11 yrs. old. Following the first time I started hurting myself. I had it all planned. I would hang myself and leave my suicide note below me. I already even wrote the fucking note when my mom went inside my room and saw it. And it was the first time I saw my mom, broken. I broke my mom. After it happened, people knew about it. I was more ashamed when they told me I was being stupid. They thought I was just fooling around that time. That I did it to have the things that I want. They told me I was just being spoiled. That Im too young to take things seriously. Too young to feel sad. Thats when I started being careful. Every time I feel lonely and sad, I would keep it all to myself. Scared that people might tell me im stupid again. I dont wanna broke my mom again. I dont wanna be a burden just because im thinking I really am a burden.

It was Junior Year when I got called names again. This time it was more hurtful. Sometimes they would tell it to my face. Sometimes just by the look from their faces I would already know —“what a bitch”. Maybe I was really a bitch. Maybe they were right. Maybe they’re not ones who were insecure, maybe I was. I started blaming myself. “Stop fooling yourself” “You’re not good enough” “You dont have the right to feel bad. You’re the one who’s doing it to yourself”. Then that was the time i realized, I have the shittiest self-esteem ever. Ive tried a lot of things this year. Lots of firsts. Crazy, fun, dangerous, and shitty things. I also started making myself look good. Feel good. But in the midst of all that, Im still losing myself. I was lost than before. I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted them to notice me. What the hell am I doing? “This wasn’t me”, I tell to myself. No matter how hard I try to be better, self-hate always wins. I was still hurting myself during these moments but this time it was quite different ‘cause a friend knows and im glad that despite all this negative things, someone cares. Up until this very moment Im still thankful for that friend. You know who you are, and God knows how grateful I am to have a friend like you. I couldn’t remember some serious (negative) things during Senior Year. It was a smooth sail. But not the smoothest ‘cause i still had fights with my ex boyfriend. I got so worried about my grades. I was stressed doing schoolworks. But to add it all up it was a great year. So great that I thought I was doing okay. I thought I had overcome that feeling. But little did I know, it was just hiding at the back of my mind.  

The first time I tried killing myself was when I reached College. Funny how the older I get, the more serious it became. See when I said I thought I was doing okay? Wrong. Little bitch was just resting. Waiting to attack me. It was gone for a year but the moment it came back, it was stronger. It was all over me. Now that Ive been carrying this bitch for almost 6 years now I think its time for me to give it a name. Lets call it, Dim. Why Dim? Well you see, the word dim means having a limited or insufficient amount of light, seen indistinctly, perceived by the senses or mind indistinctly or weakly. And dim is the perfect word to describe what im feeling all these years. The feeling of darkness. Dim wasn’t really that strong at first. He was quiet. He was as if trying to be friends with me. It was my first year of college so I was busy doing homeworks. Trying to figure out how college life works. First sem done and I thought I became friends with Dim already. Until he betrayed me. My boyfriend that time and I broke up. My whole world was shuttered. I was so down and Dim was the only one who was always there with me, so I let him take over my life. That was the time when I started avoiding people. I refused to go out, I stopped going to my classes. I was so scared. 2nd sem was a blur. A complete blur. Summer came and it was… okay. I guess. It was the start of fucking up my life. Walwal dito, walwal doon. Landi doon, landi dito. I was sooo lost that I forgot to have some respect for myself. All I can say is, that was the wildest summer that I had. I bet ya’ll waiting for the part where I tried to kill myself. Then here you go. January 2017, I had the worst anxiety attack ever. It was so bad I thought I was going insane. I called the suicide hotline but guess what they told me? THEY TOLD ME TO GO TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL. Great. There I was crying hysterically on my bed. Alone. There I was wanting to end my fucking life and ya’ll gonna tell me to go to the nearest hospital? Crazy. So yeah, I had the pills on my hand when I thought “Am I really gonna end my life just because Im scared? Just because I didnt know what was happening to me?” Then I called 911. They asked me whats the problem and I only told them one word, “suicide”. They asked me who and that was the moment I broke down, I told them, “ako po”. I can hear them panicking and then there was silence on the other line. Then an another woman talked to me. I told her everything I felt that day and she told me nice things to make me feel better. We had a good talk and I was crying the whole time. She somehow convinced me that suicide is not always the answer. I owe her my life. Fast forward to March 2017, I got sick. I got bacterial infection —not STD,  from someone whom I loved so much. For the second time, my mom cried in front of me. For the second time, I saw my mom broken. I broke my mom, again. I became lost more than ever. I was so ashamed of myself. I was so angry. Why do I always fuck up? Ganyan na ba talaga ako ka bobo?

The second time I tried killing myself was 2 months later, I started falling for this guy. Who lied to me. I was a mistress the whole time, and I didnt know. My mom eventually knew about it because the wife was a pyscho —Sorry not sorry. I disappointed my parents. AGAIN. Only in a span of 2 months I was a disappointment, again. You see, Dim was winning this time. He was already bigger than me. He was all over my room. He was all over the building. He was all over me. That was when I took the pills. I can only remember myself falling asleep and the next thing I know I was at the hospital. After 7 years of dealing with that bitch Dim, I was finally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. After 7 years of trying to hide the pain, my parents finally knew about it. After 7 years, my friends finally realized that I wasn’t fooling around. I wasn’t being overdramatic. There were pros and cons to this situation. Pros, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly understanding. I felt free. It felt like nothing is holding me back anymore. It felt like I finally won over Dim. I felt stronger than Dim. Cons, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly protective and hella paranoid, thinking I might blew up in any moment. Even though I felt free and stronger than Dim, I can still feel his presence. I still feel weak. Ive been seeing my doctor every 2 weeks now. Im taking meds. People are helping me. Months have passed and I thought I was really okay now. I thought I had it under control until 3 months later, I can feel him all over me again. It seems like the pills are not working anymore. I started keeping secrets from my doctor. I started telling lies to my family and friends just so they wont worry about me anymore. Im even back on hurting myself. I cut my wrists and legs. I tried overdosing myself again. Twice this time.   It gets worse everyday. Its seems like Dim knows my weak spots now, he knows where and when to hurt me. I keep blaming myself even on the smallest things. Sometimes I think, what if Im going insane? What if Im never going to be okay? I dont even know anymore.

I didnt write any of these so that you’ll pity me. I didnt write any of these to make ‘papansin’. I didnt write any of these so that you’ll know my story. I wrote this so that all of you people who are reading this can understand. I want you guys to understand that depression is never a joke. Depression isn’t easy, it never was. I want you to understand that even the smallest things can hurt a person a thousand more. I want you to understand that depression isn’t just a bad day. It is a never ending battle between you and your mind. Depression isn’t just being tired because you had a shitty day. It is a different feeling piling up until one day you cant deal with it anymore, you’ll blow up. Depression isn’t just being lazy. It is the thoughts and the paranoia that makes you feel so tired you can’t get out off your bed. It is the heavy feeling that sinks you deeper, makes you not wanting to wake up, hoping you can sleep the sadness away. If you know someone dealing with depression, help them. Support them. Sometimes, presence helps. Just being there for them helps. Even a simple hug can make them feel a little better. Listen. Dont say anything. Just listen to them and hug them.

This is for the ones who fought and never survived, Im sorry. Im really, really sorry. Wherever your souls are right now, I hope you now have the happiness you pretend to have. The happiness you truly deserve. For the ones who are still struggling from their demons, I am here. We are here. Its okay to cry, its okay to lose your shit but sweetie, just remember to never ever let your Dim beat you. You are stronger than him.

A small act can change a person’s life. Right this moment, somewhere, someone needs your help. Ask. Because sometimes, you can either save a person’s life or be a minute late.

And right now, you’re too late.

[razzlow]

2, 28, 40!!

2. I legitimately ult hs ek AND cs but if i had to choose itd be changsub

28. I love all of them but Tell Me was so!!!! 🗣🗣🗣

40. This isn’t one per member but i actually compiled lists on my own time bc im a loser. they’re long and embarrassing and unedited so im putting them under a cut ghghg

Eunkwang

His naivety like ????? im crine

When he gets 1 (One) bit of attention and gets super excited

His Actually Heart Shaped mouth????

HIS SHARP CANINES IVE NEVER FOUND TEETH SO CUTE IN MY LIFE

he’s so blatant like he can’t hide anything at all everytime bitubi make him do something on the fly his mouth actually opens and closes as he thinks he’s an open book what a cutie

hes said many times how shy he is and sometimes its really obvious but he still does his best to make everyone else around him feel more comfortable and less self conscious often at the cost of his own image

HE’S GOOD!!!! A GOOD BOY!!!! when he asked his viewers to stop using cancer as an insult!!! he’s angelic???

Minhyuk

When he laughs rly loud and carefree im like TT

Anytime he’s around children FFFFFFF https://twitter.com/btob_ot7/status/839509874383990785 LOOK AT THIS MAN he wants to be a father so bad wtf

the fact that he cries so much and cares so much hes a Good Kid i would lay down my life for him

NVM he pretended to cry on his birthday by using eyedrops i thought it was real this KID he’s such a smartass and i lov him

MASSLES

he tries so hard, ha ha no shame minhyuk, but legit he tries so much its so admirable??? and hes good at so many things too and if he isnt he tries his best to be

shamelessly into himself hes hot and he knows it

btob saying hes the best abt watching their broadcasts ffs literally my first time in an instalive i could see minhyuk sending hearts

king of fanservice but like,, actually because he cares so much for fans UUUUUUUUU https://twitter.com/btob_ot7/status/822158518656598017

king of flaunting himself make-up or no make-up!!! he never covers his face with masks or hats at airports when he’s barefaced and he’s!!!! so cute!!!! but it also sends a good “looks aren’t everything” message i love minhyuk

never 4get “gender, age (as long as it’s not between a minor and an adult), and nationality cannot stop love” WHEN WILL YOUR FAV EVER confirmed good-boy minhyuk the straights cant have him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16I0PGQuED8&feature=youtu.be he works so hard i want to cry

Changsub

When he Exists

When he shows his strong kind side he never brags about it like with the Cool Men thing and with the rollercoaster ride on wgm TT

https://twitter.com/zhala_6/status/835545324328529925

When he fawns over kids, talks to them, carries babies UUUUUUU “Kids are the hope of the future, they’re so cute, how could you not love them” BIH

https://twitter.com/tanyung_/status/835571551290462209 UUUUUU

his smile :’(((

the cute mole under his jaw wtf i love everything abt this boy

HIS ELF EARS :’(((((

his voice is legit my favorite voice ever

https://twitter.com/agnesbtt/status/838381162837999616 “changsub-ssi comforted me …” IM ON THE FLOOR he’s so cute his partner on duet song festi was cute too ffffs why didnt the audience support them enough im cryin

every time btob win an award and he makes That face heRE’S TO 100 MORE OF THAT WHERE IS THEIR DAESANG

Hyunsik

OBVIOUSLY HIS SMILE

his cute hiccupy laugh

The fact that he, a muscle man hypebeast baritone, only ever sings mega high notes (but also blease sing lower more take care of ur voice) his voice is so strong and stable always listen the kpop vocal analysis dude can break thru my window and yell @ me about how he’s not actually stable for as long as he wants i wont back down

The fact that he, a muscle man hypebeast baritone, is also a soft sweater paw boy

HIS THICCASS NECC

AND THIGHS

the fact that he almost entered a body building competition before debuting??? 

his oppa kink LLMAO

imo hyunsik is also super good at watching the other members’ broadcasts i see him so much

HIS SENSE https://twitter.com/B2PMGG_/status/839030988751556609

https://twitter.com/nauimellodi/status/839044646357520386 SIK’S SENSE also “please i really love tigers” ID LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR U

LISTEN HES A FURRY BUT HIS LOVE OF TIGERS IS SO CUTE “tigers are so beautiful and sexy and cool and cute and funny and-” WHAT IS HE A 5 YEAR OLD

Peniel

When he patiently and kindly deals with the other members uuuuUUUUU

when he helps them with english or plays with them in english and doesnt laugh at them meanly UUUUUUUUUU

his smilllleeeeee UUUUUu

his sweet voice makes me cry :’((( i want more singing lines like in what’s happening or because its christmas :’((((

HE’S TOO GOOD TO FANS his vlogs, how he started answering melodies tweets recently, how he made an english AND korean version of that girl even if he didnt manage to finish the kr ver on time to release it HE MAKES SUCH A HUGE EFFORT TO INCLUDE EVERYONE

He’s so legitimately funny and cute u could hear the staff on amigo tv and on knowing bros falling 4 him (legit who was that staff member on knowing bros that u could actually hear calling peniel cute i lov her)

Ilhoon

When he acts all cool and aloof but in reality is a big loser with 0 swag AND 0 class

the fact that hes a fUCKING TEABOO UUUU HES SO EMBARRASSING BUT HES SO GENUINELY OBSESSED WITH THIS KINGSMAN SHIT AND ITS SO CUTE IM ASHAMED OF MYSELF

his smile;;; id die to protect it

his super loud laugh ILHOONS A FUCKING GREMLIN BUT HES SOFT AND I LOV HIM

his god awful selfie angles like same dude me too

u didnt hear this from me but j*ng *lh**n is c*te and i l*v* h*m

Sungjae

when he has all these solo activities and never forgets to mention btob and never lets it pass when interviewers try to get him to say that he’s better than them or better off without them like UUUUUU

tall as fuck but acts like a gremlin,,, terrible

he’s a genuine Hot Boy™ and im going to fight him for Real

he’s so sweet i;;; in the soribada awards show all of btob but ESPECIALLY sungjae kept hanging out w the MC even after they were done + had changed into casual clothes;;;;; even non-fans acknowledged how they hard carried the behind the scenes segments + kept the lonely MC company in a show where the organizers didn’t even leave him a chair until viewers kept on pestering them abt it bc it was sad;;;; and like;;; that’s so sweet of them i genuinely want to cry;;; i lob sungjae but u didnt hear that from me

[ilynpilled]

u know maybe this is all great 🫶 im gonna marry cersei openly 🫶 be with her 24/7 🫶 just like the targs theres a precedent 🫶 we will have nothing to hide 🫶 “im not ashamed of loving [her] only the things ive done to hide it” 🫶 haha it will be all good if i do not need to murder innocent children to hide this 🫶 oh we still want the crown right fuck ok but who cares robert won the throne with a war anyway 🫶 claim and divine right does not matter to me personally 🫶 also im gonna send back cat’s daughters 🫶 no one in my family will oppose me on doing that certainly 🫶 lets start an incest dynasty and marry joff to his sister instead to show that we are built different 🫶 peace and love on planetos 🫶