#⏳ — lumi’s fics!

[seichira]

is it just me?

itoshi rin is tormented by the lingering ghosts of your tragic breakup. he is cold and he lives with the burden of missing you. he wonders if you are hurting too, or is it just him?

pairing : itoshi rin x reader

content : hurt and comfort. exes to lovers. messy breakup. accusations of cheating (no actual cheating). insecurities. mentions of alcohol. cursing.

it’s one in the morning and rin is surrounded by his friends and acquaintances but still, he feels cold. even with the alcohol in his system that he drank to purposely warm him, it’s cold.

it has been this way for nearly a year now. eleven months and a couple weeks, if anyone is counting. a few days more and it would be the anniversary of your breakup.

the nearer it gets to twelve months without you, the colder it gets. right now, even with the perfectly working heater in one of his teammate’s penthouse, rin shivers.

it’s cold.

he never thought it could be this cold.

rin knows why he feels like this. he knows exactly why he wakes up and goes to bed alone. the reason why his life is dull and empty is not a secret to him—he just won’t acknowledge it.

he refuses to admit to himself that the reason why he has been suffering for the past eleven months of his life is because you’re not here.

how could he admit it? how could he ever address that your absence it what causes his pitiful state, when he brought it upon himself.

it was his fault that you’re not here. he wanted this. well, he had thought that he wanted this.

there is no way he could welcome the thought that he misses you when he was the one who drove you away, right? there is no use.

it’s too late now. all he could do is go out with his teammates on nights like this and pretend as if he wasn’t freezing from the inside out.

“damn, this is so boring,” seishiro sits down beside him on the sofa and rin tenses at the presence of the white-haired boy.

he does not know what to do because among everyone else in this crowded room, you are most connected to nagi seishiro. your best friend. and he has long been your best friend before you and rin even got together.

how is rin supposed to act around the person who is still in your life while he himself isn’t? this man seated next to him knows where you are right now and what you have been doing, while rin has absolutely no idea how you are.

“didn’t think i’d see you here, itoshi,” nagi speaks again. rin hums in acknowledgment, “thought it wouldn’t be so bad to come.”

there is this unspoken understanding between them, that both of them are thinking about you. after all, aside from soccer, all they have in common is their connection to you.

nagi debates whether he should tell you that he saw rin tonight or keep it to himself so as to not instigate negative feelings from you.

rin wonders if he should start asking about you. he decides against it and pretended to busy himself with his cellphone to avoid further conversation with your best friend.

he convinces himself that he does not care. he acts like he doesn’t want to know how you are. he tries to make himself believe that as long as he can fake it, it will somehow be true.

jokes on him, really.

meguru approaches nagi next to him and rin is planning to ignore him like he usually does, but the words that comes out of meguru’s mouth made that utterly impossible.

“nagi! i saw y/n by the bookstore earlier this afternoon, didn’t you ask her to come? i invited her but she said you didn’t mention anythin’ about a party!”

the mere mention of your name makes rin’s heart stop. it has been a very long time since he heard someone mention your name casually around him. now that your name has been dropped, everything comes crashing down on him, and he cannot breathe.

“oh, damn, i’m sorry—“ bachira seems to notice his mistake upon not seeing rin next to nagi. they know not to carelessly throw your name around because at first, it affected his performance. now, it is apparent that you affect him in and out of the game.

“excuse me.”

rin is cold. it’s like ice is running through his veins as he stands up and rushes to leave the suffocating penthouse.

rin runs out to the street and for the first time since he lost you, he names the sinking feeling in his stomach that won’t go away.

for the first time since you walked out the door of your shared apartment, rin finally admits it.

he misses you.

he is longing for you like how the moon misses the sun but never meets it enough. it burns and it is freezing all at the same time because when you were here, he felt nothing but the assurance of your love.

he runs, and runs, and runs. it’s dark and it’s cold, but he runs. he runs in hopes that he could change the past. he runs with the burning desire to correct his faults and take back all the hurt he inflicted on you.

maybe then, you’d be here.

maybe then, it wouldn’t be so cold.

“are you seriously accusing me of that, rin? are you hearing yourself right now?” the hurt was evident in your tone as you watched the love of your life with all of his guards up.

his glares were accusing as if what he saw was an unforgivable betrayal. he had seen you talking to his brother, sae, and rin was quick to act out of pure rage and jealousy.

“you were flirting with my fucking brother!” he spat out, and he knew it was irrational.

he knew he was wrong about and that you would never be able to do that to him, but his years of pent up frustration and hatred towards his brother made it impossible to remember his trust in you.

“and i already told you i wasn’t, rin. i was talking to him. i bumped into him at the coffee shop while i was getting your usual morning drink when he saw me and i sat down for a little chat! that was all, baby. believe me.”

you deserved an award with how well you held up, with how patient you were with him despite his hurtful accusations towards you.

no one else understood him like you did, and you knew to be more patient with him in times like these. you were aware of how his brother affected him and how he just needed someone to stick with him through it.

“well, fuck that! you shouldn’t have been with him in the first place! sae wants everything that i have and now, he’s tryna get you too!”

it almost made you flinch, with his tone rising and his voice getting louder. he is furious, and you try to disregard the sting of his words now that his fury is directed at you.

“i’m sorry, alright? it wasn’t my intention to hurt you, rin. he’s your brother and i thought it would be nice to ask him how he is and—“

rin cut you off like he couldn’t comprehend a word that you were saying. “that’s bullshit and you know it! just fuckin’ tell me the truth! that like everyone and everything else, you’re gonna leave me for him!”

it frustrated you that he blocked all your explanations out. you were growing weary with the accusations thrown at you, but you continued. you continued to reason with him because you knew him. you knew he needed someone to stay. and above all, you tried further because you were in love with him.

you loved rin three years before you finally got together. your two years together made that five. that was five years of your life being deeply in love with someone whom you thought was going to be your husband and the father of your kids.

that amount of time may not be much when viewed through the generations of people who loved each other, but for the both of you, those five years were enough to build a life and create an ideal future with the other.

so, yeah. it never occurred to you to give up in that argument. there was no chance in hell that you would leave him high and dry.

“it’s not like that, rin. i am never going to leave you for anyone, much less for your brother! i need you to listen to me! we talked! that’s it!”

“you’re lying to me. i know it.”

you shake your head in exhaustion. “i talk, and i talk, and i talk—and you don’t hear a thing.” a lone tear falls from your eye without realizing.

his sharp stare does not falter. all he could see was red. the scene of you and sae together replayed over and over again in his mind.

you, the person he loved most, with the person who took everything away from him. it killed him to imagine a future where it is not you and him, but you and sae.

“i’m in love with you. only you. i cannot see myself with anyone else and i thought you knew that, rin. i get that your brother strikes a vein in you but don’t i at least deserve to be heard? we’re better than this.”

“yeah? and i thought you’d be better than acquainting with sae like that. you knew how i felt about him, and you did this? fuck that.”

rin walked out on you that night without another word. it felt like he also walked out on your relationship because he started training more. this meant leaving before you even woke up and going home when you were fast asleep.

during those weeks when rin avoided you like the plague despite living under one roof, you felt completely alone and isolated. you were lonely. he spoke to you in words, and he treated you as if your encounter with sae was enough for him to give it all up.

until one day, he comes home to a living room full of bags and boxes. you were there, waiting for him with a tired smile on your face.

for the first time, rin realized that the black circles under your eyes have grown where they weren’t before. he noticed that you are all cried out and now, you’ve got no tears to shed as you leave him.

“w-what’s all this?”

“i’m leaving. i’m sorry for not getting out of your hair faster. it was really hard to look for another apartment that was within my budget but don’t worry, i figured it out.”

“leaving? leaving me? leaving… this house?” which one is it? or fuck, is it both?

“mhm. i f-figured it’s not healthy for us to live under the same roof after everything. i wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable in your own space just because i’m here, so…”

did you really think he wanted you to leave? he wanted to explain. he wanted to tell you that he only acted that way because he was hurt and he was guilty! you don’t have to leave!

but he’s frozen from where he stood. the sight of all your stuff packed up and ready to go was a little bit too much for him.

you stood from where you were seated among the bags and boxes, and you stop in front of him. again, you smile gracefully, in contrast to the breaking heart that almost killed you.

“and rin? i’m sorry again for what happened with sae. i should’ve known better than to do that to you, and i understand that you don’t want to do anything with me because of that.”

he shook his head but you missed it because you walked past him with some of your bags in your hand. “y/n, no. i—“

you hear it and for a moment, you delude yourself into thinking that he will ask you to stay. but he doesn’t continue.

he stops because how could he ask you to stay after how he treated you? it was his fault for not listening and in the end, it was you who apologized? in what fucking universe do i deserve this angel, huh?

he doesn’t stop you from leaving because in that very moment, the thought of you finally escaping from him and his hurtful treatment towards you didn’t seem so bad.

“so, i guess… i’ll see you around. nagi will be around to grab my remaining stuff, so try not to kill each other, yeah?” you try to play it off cool, mask the fact that inside, everything is falling apart.

rin nods but he stayed with his back facing you. until the end, he did not have the guts to face you. to face what he had done to you and your relationship.

suddenly, everything grew cold. everything lost their color. the empty corners of where your warmth used to be mocked him.

for nearly a year since then, he has lived and suffered with the mistakes he did. he didn’t know what to tell people when they started asking about you. he didn’t know how to ride the train without holding your hand. he didn’t know how to be soaked in the shower without letting his tears flow freely.

he wondered endlessly as he daydreamed of speaking to you again: are you hurting too, or is it just me?

his endless running brings him to your street where you moved when you left him. his feet takes him farther than he expected because this street is on the opposite part of town from your shared apartment, a telltale sign that you tried to get as far away as possible.

evidently, it is not far enough because on your way home from the convenience store, you run into your ex-boyfriend. rin is first to notice your presence, and instead of freezing up like he did when you left, he walks up to you.

“rin?” you are confused and nervous. after all, the last time you had seen him was almost a year ago. you never tried to see him again.

“it hurts.”

the two words he just confessed are two words that he has never said together in a sentence ever in his life. itoshi rin never admits it when something is hurting him. he never tells anyone when he is in pain.

for him to say that now, it is a cry for you to soothe him in a way that only you could, and you know this because you know him better than the back of your hand.

standing a meter away from you underneath a street lamp, itoshi rin confesses his truth.

“it hurts, y/n. it hurts without you. it feels like i can’t breathe. it is so cold without you. it hurts so badly. i thought i could live with it eventually—but i can’t. it only gets worse.”

rin sees your shoulders shake in your attempt to conceal your sobs but you are failing miserably, and so does he. you don’t say anything and rin figures that’s fair.

you already tried to talk. you already told him everything you needed to hear on the night of the fight that ruined your relationship. it’s his turn to tell you everything you deserve to hear.

but he isn’t as good as you when it comes to words. he thinks about how he accused you of cheating on him. he thinks about how he shut you out and left you feeling lonely. he thinks about every day that he could have chased after you but didn’t. he thinks about all of that and he thinks about how he’s sorry.

and he manages to get that last part out, hoping that you would get it. hoping that the deep-rooted connection between the two of you is enough to let you know what he means.

“i’m sorry.”

you drop your groceries to the ground and you close the meter of distance between the two of you. you welcome him in his arms but he wraps his arms around you tighter than you welcomed him, because he is afraid that if he doesn’t, he will lose you again.

“that is all i needed to hear from you, rin. i never wanted much from you. just you and your love. i just needed to know that you still felt that for me, and when i didn’t… i had no other choice to walk away.”

rin nods against your neck and you feel his tears staining your shoulder. “i’m sorry. forgive me, please. i love you. i love you. and i trust you. more than anyone, baby. i promise.”

“you know i could never hurt you like you thought i did—“ you recalled, but rin cuts you off because he can’t bear another second of you defending yourself when you shouldn’t be.

“i know. i know.”

his embrace around you tightens, and he does not care if anyone could look out from their windows and see the soccer star practically begging for you in the middle of the night. not when he is in your arms again after months of only dreaming about it and wishing for it.

“it hurt too much without you too, rin. i had to remind myself that i can’t run to you for warmth. i took everything in me not to throw away my dignity to beg you to bring me back.”

that answers his question.

in his absence, you were hurting too. your separation killed you just like how it killed him.

“no. no—don’t have to beg for it, baby. i should be on my knees to thank you for even taking me back like this because—shit—i swear that i wouldn’t have lasted another day.”

you run your hands through his hair before briefly pulling away to cup his cheek in your hands, and he fondly leans on your touch.

“for the entire year, i thought it was just me who longed for you, rin.”

you couldn’t be any more wrong.

“i begged the stars and the skies for this very moment. it wasn’t just you.”

[seichira]

door into your heart.

haitani ran has never had to fight for a girl’s attention. well, at least before you came along and changed the game. it is his first time trying to win someone’s heart, and he’s getting more desperate the longer you keep him on the ledge.

pairing : bonten!ran haitani x college!reader

content : mostly fluff, kinda angsty, swearing, mentions of violence, and basically ran just trying to get the girl.

ran thinks it’s absolutely insane that a girl has got him wrapped around her little fingers, and he knows it, he just willingly submits himself to it.

let’s start from where all the glitches in the universe as he calls them, started. meeting you.

you see, ran haitani is used to women throwing themselves at him. the man can get whatever and whoever he wants at a snap of a finger.

his childhood was rough and all he had was rindou—and he’s not a saint not to enjoy all of life’s perks now that he’s reached the top, isn’t he? admit it, he has been through enough shit to take it easy for once.

they started off ruling ropponggi, having a bunch of men do whatever they command. they lived off the glory of winning street fights and taking down gang leaders after gang leaders.

it was cool, alright. but looking back, that place seems to be just a playground compared to the chokehold they have on the entire country. japan is essentially theirs.

when a person is on top of the world, no words could possibly describe the feeling of being a king. ran haitani himself found himself at that position.

however, the thing about reaching the top is there is nowhere else to go. what follows after is boredom, ennui, and just… rotting away in the repetitiveness of the days. killing, manipulating, torturing, stealing.

he was getting sick of it.

at the height of his much-too-early midlife crisis that he believes came early because he is going to die earlier than everyone else, he flew back to tokyo in hopes that he can drown himself in alcohol at some bar that has no connections to bonten.

he hops out of his ferrari that he parked on the other side of the street adjacent to the local bar, and he is just about to cross it when he hears an exasperated grunt and a loud sound of metal nearby.

the first instinct was ignore it, but another grunt came and he finally snapped his head towards the direction of the disrupting noise in this peaceful part of town.

there, ran sees you struggling to pull the storefront rollup gate down. judging by the apron you seem to forget to remove, it is easy to deduce that you are a barista at the coffee shop you’re currently trying to close for the night.

being the brute that he is, ran keeps his distance from you and remains standing near his car, leisurely watching you struggle.

he chuckles to himself. that shit is cute, he thinks.

it is your first time having to work the closing shift and you had no idea how heavy these things were until you tried it. when all hope leaves you, you groan and sit on the pavement to wait for some energy to come back before trying again.

that is when ran haitani finally decides to spread out his imaginary angel wings and come to your rescue. he approaches you slowly and his footsteps make no sound at all, making you flinch in surprise when the gate suddenly closes and locks on where it is supposed to be.

you look up at the man who just saved you a ton of energy and time, and you stand up to face him. it takes you aback, though, with the way he towers over you. people can be this tall?

but if you were taken aback, the man in front of you is completely blown away. your hair is messy probably because you just finished a shift, you are wearing a simple polo shirt beneath your dirtied apron, paired with skinny jeans—and the man thinks, what a fucking beautiful woman.

this man has seen all kinds of women in the fanciest of outfits, and yet, here he is, totally mesmerized by an obviously exhausted girl trying to make money.

“phew. thank you! you totally rescued me because i was just about to run away and possibly get fired for leaving the coffee shop open overnight.”

he shrugs at your gratitude because he literally did nothing. the gate weighed like paper to him. not only is he not used to saying you’re welcome, he also does not really do much things to receive a thanks.

still, he says, “you’re welcome.”

“have a good night, mister!” you say to finally walk home since it’s a fifteen-minute walk from there.

you work two jobs to get yourself through university after deciding you won’t ever burden your parents anymore, so it is justified how you just want to lay down on your bed on a friday night.

ran finds it too much of a waste to let such a pretty girl go just like that, which is very uncharacteristic for him because he never does that when he knows there are others out there in his disposal.

but he can’t let you walk away.

“wait, miss.”

you turn back to look at him, “hm? yes?”

fuck, even her voice is cute.

“this… coffee shop. why’d you have to close it yourself? you don’t have security guards or something?”

you shake your head like it’s the most normal thing ever, “nope. the owner can’t afford something of that sort. the business is financially tight after the new coffee shop nearby opened.”

“which one?”

you state the name of the coffee shop that almost put you out of a job. thankfully, your boss liked your work ethics enough to keep you in their staff.

“thanks again, mister. i have to go home—”

ran scrambles his brain to find another excuse to keep you for longer. at this point, it is already unusual to him how you still haven’t asked his name. he cannot believe that he’s doing so much just to continue talking to you.

“you’re walking home?”

“yep! it’s good exercise, you know?” you giggle before pointing at the black ferrari just a few steps away. “i believe that’s yours?”

he nods. “looks sick, doesn’t it?”

“looks like someone’s got trust funds,” you joke. it earns a laugh from ran haitani, a man who hasn’t laughed in ages. holy shit, he utters in his head.

“not trust funds, honey. i don’t have a rich mommy and daddy. worked like hell to get that shit.”

your eyebrow raises, and you smile. “well, something must be very wrong with this life because i work like hell and i’m nowhere near affording that!”

it intrigues him, how you talk like you’ve got nothing on you but be lighthearted about it. when he had nothing, he was miserable. how could you smile like that? much more so, smile so beautifully?

“want me to drive you home? it’s dangerous in this part of town. don’t want you to go missin’ on me before you get to afford a ferrari.”

you are quick to turn him down with a flick of your hand, “oh, no thanks. i’m grateful for your help but who knows if you’re the dangerous part of town?”

he laughs again because you are absolutely right, but you have no idea that no harm will ever come close to you when you’re with him.

“you can call anyone and give them all my cards so they’ll know who took you home. safely.”

“i appreciate it, but really, it’s fine. there are some catcallers here and there but believe me, i can trashtalk them just as fine.”

his brows furrow at the thought. it makes him uncomfortable knowing you have to go through that, and you’re used to it.

“you sure?” he asks again but does not impose because he understands your doubts. it truly is hard to trust someone nowadays.

“i am.”

you walk home after waving goodbye to the tall, handsome, purple-haired man with a clean cut—ready to forget him.

with all the good intentions left in his heart, he waits a few seconds for you to be at a safe distance before he quietly follows you home. just to make sure you get there safely.

true enough, there are a few men loitering along the streets. when they call you names and shout lewd remarks, ran is just ready to intervene.

but you flip off the men and shout, “you filthy fucking pigs! this is why you lead such petty little lives without a wife to love you!”

once he sees you get inside the apartment complex, he shoves his hands in his pockets, approaches the men and gave them a few threats and injuries. afterwards, he walks back to his car.

you were right—this was good exercise.

ran abandons his earlier plans and heads home for the night. and if it isn’t clear, he thinks about you the entire drive home until his eyes drifts off to sleep.

that was how you met ran haitani.

the next events were just batshit crazy. the nearby coffee shop closed down and business was back as usual. your schedules were changed into something that will allow you to have some time to study and even rest. in the blink of an eye, as if something shifted, everything was suddenly convenient for you.

but behind the scenes is ran haitani.

alongside all of the crazy happenings in your life, ran haitani never leaves you alone. literally the next day after your first encounter, he shows up at the coffee shop you work at with an irritated look on his face.

“what’re you so grumpy for? where’s the smile you had on last night? didn’t expect to see you here, mister. would you like to order?”

“why did you arrive just now?” he looks at the nameplate you just clipped on your apron, and it wasn’t there last night. “y/n.”

“what do you mean?”

“been waiting for you here for two hours already, thought i’d come by and see if you were able to make it home alive last night.”

you stifled a laugh, “obviously, i did. and i only start here very late at night. it’s a part-time. i study in the good part of the day and i work a waitressing job at a pub, then this one.”

his eyes widen, and the one thing he immediately thinks of is how you do not have to do all that if he just gives you what he has. he has more than enough money to last lifetimes. giving you some wouldn’t hurt, right?

he is not even surprised when you turn that offer down. he’s disappointed, but he saw it coming.

after months of clinging to your side like a leech, the man is irrevocably in love with you. like down bad. like there-is-no-getting-out-of-this in love.

seriously, how could he not?

he sees you work so hard, so independently, and face so much shit the world throws at you and still have the will to be fucking smiling at him?

when he told you about his work, which took him about three months to finally confess to you, your answer was, “i stand corrected. that is good exercise.”

the man was BAFFLED. you accept it, just like that? no judgments? no shouting? no cursing? no condemning him for all of his sins?

you continued, “i know how hard this life is and i won’t blame people for doing what they have to do to survive. i’d rather not get involved with that, ran, so keep me away from it… but as for you, i don’t mind.”

you said all that but when he confessed his feelings for you the very first time, you turned him down. it was for a good reason—you had to graduate and earn a degree so you can finally have a good-paying job. being in a relationship with anyone is putting that at risk, and it was a risk you couldn’t take.

he understood.

the second time he confessed, after a year, he was at your new apartment that you purchased all on your own. it was small, but it was yours, so he loved it.

this time, he was sure that you loved him too. the problem is, you told him that you want him to court you first. until you give him your sweet yes, every interaction has to be friendly.

ran didn’t understand, but it was what you wanted, so he courted you in ways that he absolutely had no idea how, but had to try anyway.

“court me, and i’ll see if you deserve me.”

well, no shit. he has been courting you for a year now.

everything is slowly falling into place. your job is getting stable. your apartment is getting filled with more upgrades. you don’t have to live off cup noodles anymore (although ran made sure you lived well with all the help you accepted from him after he met you). the bills are paying themselves.

but you won’t give ran the time of day. you were such a tease. brushing your hands with his but never truly holding it. hugging his huge figure but never fully embracing him, except on your graduation when he was the only person who went to congratulate you. speaking with your lips close to his but never kissing him.

being with him but never telling him you love him.

but you are. you are in love with ran haitani. you are aware of the things he does for you, and they do not go unappreciated.

the flowers he casually gives you even without an occasion. visiting your place just to cook your meals when you are too lazy to feed yourself. taking care of you when you are sick and even when you aren’t. spending all his money on you albeit discreetly so you won’t scold him. quitting the vices you hated. being your personal driver. leaving important work behind when you need him.

basically being there.

being present.

being your person.

you finally decide that it is time to give in to what you want. to love him without inhibitions. life has been hard enough and it is about time to just… give in to all the things you were deprived of.

ran is an impatient man, and you think it should be humanity’s greatest feat that he was able to wait for you this long.

you know better than anyone that he can wait for as long as you need him to, but the wait ends now. you cannot wait anymore, and neither can he.

sitting inside the car, stopping at the basement parking, ran waits for you to step out first because you made it clear that while you two are just friends, he will never be allowed to open doors for you.

“ran?”

“yeah?”

you unbuckle your seatbelt to lean forward and kiss him on the lips. he freezes at first, and the thoughts wilding inside him screams, what the fuck?! is this really fucking happening?!

when he recovers just as you pull away, he pulls your nape and deepens the kiss. he pours out all the years he spent waiting to cross this line on this kiss.

and you return all of them.

he pulls away to rest his forehead on yours, “what’s the meaning of this? are you… what is… is this what i think this is, baby?”

you nod with tears on your eyes.

“you can open my door for me.”

[seichira]

the missiles we fire.

wherein ran haitani knows he has to let you go but he just can’t. he is aware that you’re hurting because of him but he chooses to string you along—until you finally decide that enough is enough.

pairing : bonten!ran x reader

content : fwb to lovers. angst to comfort. sfw but has allusions to sleeping together. reader with she/her pronouns. ran is a good brother. groveling. inspired by renegade by taylor swift!

he has never felt this way before.

no one has ever made him want to fix himself up. there is no other person who has made him wish that he had a better past so he can be a better person in the present.

ran haitani has never considered the thought of compromising and adjusting himself for one person until he met you—the bane of his damn existence.

not a single soul in his pathetic, dull world could make him feel the way you do. that is exactly why he is guarding his heart more than he ever has, because he smells the danger that comes with you, the danger of falling in love and getting hurt beyond repair.

he met you a year ago and you have been by his side since then, but he has not given you his heart. you sleep beside him on most nights when he needs you, but he keeps you on arms length when it comes to affection.

you hold his hand when it shakes with his anxiety but he refuses to grip you just as hard. you kiss his jaw when it tenses with his annoyance but you don’t miss the way he pulls away whenever you do so.

your bodies are intimate with each other most nights but while your heart is all laid out for him to take, his is the opposite. his heart is guarded by a strong wall that he never lets down. a wall you can’t seem to get past.

but lately, he can feel the guards on his heart wavering. and lately, he doesn’t want to see you because ran knows he is close to breaking down everything to let you in.

the past months, he has been wanting to whisper the three words to you when he is in your bed. he finds himself wanting to hold your hand when you walk side by side. he catches himself craving your warmth when the nights are cold. he wants to hold your hand as tight as you hold his. he longs to kiss you back when you kiss his demons away.

suddenly, he wants you.

he can’t have that. his irrational fear of losing rindou someday is already too much to bear. he can’t afford to fear losing another person.

he can’t. he shouldn’t.

he knows all that, but he can’t let you go.

he can’t give you everything, he refuses to let you in, but he somehow chooses to keep you.

in every passing day, it kills the life in you. it ignites the doubts and the insecurities you always had. it forms huge question marks in your head and it drives you insane.

“what am i doing wrong, ran?” your breath shakes and ran notices it as you are resting your head on his chest on the sofa where you both had fallen asleep an hour ago.

he swears his heart skips a beat when he hears you start the conversation that he has been dreading since he realized he might have something deeper in store for you.

this man knows exactly what you are talking about, but he decides to play dumb. “what do you mean?”

somehow, he wishes that there is a way to divert the topic and stray from this conversation that he knows is never going to end well. a conversation that can possibly change everything you both have.

“i want to know what i’m doing wrong, or what is not enough. what else do i need to do.. for you to open up your heart for me?”

he refuses to look at your eyes when you sit properly to look at him. he keeps his head turned away from you because seeing your tearful face will not do him good.

“it’s not what you’re doing wrong. there’s nothing else you could do. i just…” fuck, he curses in his mind. “i just want it this way.”

“what way, haitani? stringing me along?”

“we never agreed to having feelings—“

you cut him off before he can even spew out his bullshits. “but you know that’s not the case for me! i love you, and i understand that you don’t feel the same…”

ran squeezes his eyes shut because your last sentence just doesn’t seem right. he knows that you are in love with him and most of the time, he uses that to his advantage. but for you to believe that he doesn’t love you?

it doesn’t feel right.

it’s not right.

“…and that’s alright, really. i understand that you don’t feel the same, but ran, i think this set up between us will work better if you do it with others.”

this alarms him and he now has his eyes on you. there are tears threatening from your eyes as you stare at him like he hung the stars in the sky, as if he is not breaking your heart in this very moment.

“what do you mean?” ran asks in a controlled voice but he fails to mask the fear that is laced with it. he is terrified of the implications of what you just said. he can’t accept it.

“i’m just saying—this friends with benefits thing? it won’t work with us anymore because i love you. you can… find other people… to do this with, because i can’t do it any longer.”

his eyes start to sting from the tears that suddenly want to burst out of the dam. his fear is becoming more and more true as the conversation progresses and ran just wants to go back to an hour before when you were all cuddled up in his arms.

still, he knows it’s unfair. while he was peacefully holding you, it is now clear that the questions you had in your made were plaguing you. while he was alright, he was also breaking your heart.

“what are you saying to me?” he needs to hear it from you directly. it is going to break his heart but he wants to hear it anyway.

“let me go.”

he knows he has to.

he knows you’re right.

he knows keeping you here will only hurt you.

he knows. he knows. he knows. but still—

“what if i don’t want to?”

that was the trigger for you to break down and release the tears and broken sobs you have been suppressing.

“then, make me understand why you can hold me like this but not give me your heart. make me understand. please, ran. if you can’t let me go, at least help me understand why i’m here.”

ran curses himself as he can quite literally feel his heart being powdered into fine pieces while he watches you beg for him. for his heart. a heart that has been battered and bruised through the years but you love anyway.

“y-you know that i try to give you what you n-need,” his voice breaks so he pauses, “but you also know what i’ve been through. what i’m afraid of. you know everything.”

you shake your head. “is it really your past and your fears that keep you from giving me everything, or do you just not want to?”

he can’t come up with an answer.

“let me go. please, let me go.”

he grips your hand when you try to stand up in a feeble attempt to make you stay. his last resort. his desperation reeks in the way he squeezes your hand.

“i can’t do that. ask me for anything but that, please,” his voice breaks once again.

“but can you love me? can you give me everything? your heart, your secrets, your desires? can you love me enough to let down your walls for me, ran?”

he doesn’t answer, and you smile sadly. there goes your answer—his silence. it has always spoken for him when his words fail him.

at this point, you are just tired. you have no fight left in you. you fulfill the promise you made to yourself when you said you will accept whatever he says and erase yourself from his life gracefully.

ran sees that and he regrets not noticing when you decided to ask him to let you go.

“then, for the sake of the both of us, i beg you to please let me go.”

the daggers that rindou throws at his older brother through his eyes could kill. his blood boils as he watches ran drown himself in alcohol because of some stupid shit he brought upon himself.

“tell me again why you fuckin’ let her go. ‘cuz i can’t understand why you’re sulking like a little girl and poisoning yourself with damn alcohol when it was you who pushed her away.”

the sarcastic tone is not appreciated by ran and he glares at his younger brother in return.

“you just don’t get it, do you? you know our life! she doesn’t fit here! she’s too good for this shit! and what do i do if she gets hurt because of this hellhole, huh? what, then?”

rindou raises an eyebrow, “she literally knew the dangers that came with your life when she decided to love you. save your excuses. you’re just fucking stupid.”

ran stares into space as he takes that in. after a few moments, he speaks. “i’m scared that i’ll lose her.”

the younger haitani laughs maniacally without humor. “well, news flash, you already did—“

“fucker. she’s still in this world, isn’t she?”

“guess so.”

“that’s what i mean. i’d rather not have her in my arms than to lose her in this goddamn pitiful world.”

ran takes another shot from his whiskey and rindou stands up to take the bottle away from his godforsaken brother.

“give me that—!”

“if she was mine, i’d just keep her by my side and love her, and not let anyone lay a finger on her. you underestimate bonten and its capability to protect your girl.”

ran mumbles drunkenly as he gives up trying to get back his stolen bottle. he rests his head on the backrest of the sofa he is on.

“you don’t know shit, rin.”

“nah. i fuckin’ know ‘ya. these are all excuses. you’re making all these up to cover up the fact that you blame yourself for the life we lived and now, you think you don’t deserve her.”

the older haitani starts to tear up at the memory of not being able to give his brother a more decent life when they were younger. he remembers the days when he almost lost rindou to a rival gang because he failed to come home on time.

“the fuck are you? my shrink?” he asks in the middle of his silent crying. rindou sees that and he feels a pinch in his heart for his brother who has always been scared of losing him.

it is rindou’s turn to take a shot from the whiskey, to gain courage for what he is about to say. “i’m your brother. i know it when my brother hates himself.”

“what does that have to do with anything?”

“i wanna tell you that you don’t have to. you gave me a life full of pretty cool memories so stop beating yourself up. get your damn girl so i won’t have to watch this pathetic display!”

ran wants to blame his emotions on the alcohol but the words of his brother really are the cause of his tears. he suddenly feels forgiven. vindicated, even—from the regrets he harbors against himself.

his younger brother feels that he is closer to getting ran to listen to him, so he pushes.

“she loves you. i saw it with my own eyes, ran. she is in love with you. while you hated yourself, you were demolishing her. just fuckin’ forgive yourself and love her, damn it!”

that night, for the first time in his life, thinks that maybe it was not his fault that he and his brother had lived a difficult life. for the first time, he considers the thought that maybe, he deserves to have your love after all.

you open your door at five in the morning after being woken up by continuous rings on your doorbell, and as if that isn’t enough, there are even accompanied by impatient knocks on your door.

“i swear to god, if this isn’t worth waking me up in these ungodly hours—ran?”

he had just barely sobered himself up but he had to run to you before cowardice gets the best of him. he just had to tell you right now.

“i love you.”

“ran, what—“

he sucks in a huge breath, preparing to speak in one long breath-hold. “i am in love with you. i fell in love with you way before you fell in love with me but i was too scared to admit that. i was afraid that i didn’t deserve you. i was terrified that loving you would mean more hurt for me—but here’s the truth now. here is my truth. fuck my anxieties. fuck everything. i need you. i want you.”

you open the door more widely and you take in his cheeks with your hands, and he relishes in the feel of your warmth for the first time since you walked out of his penthouse a month ago.

“i’m sorry for what i put you through. i’m sorry for hurting you. i can’t promise that i won’t hurt you but i promise that i will actively try not to do that intentionally.”

“i never blamed you for what i felt, ran.”

an angel is what you are. an angel that he is starting to accept that a fallen one like him deserves. an angel for him.

“i will give you everything, y/n. i will give you my heart because i want to. because i need to. i can’t breathe without you. take me back. please, tell me that you’ll take me back.”

it is an easy decision for you. he is shaking in your hands and there is nothing else to do but finally welcome him in your arms again.

there is no other choice but to take him back because it finally makes sense why you always felt like he felt the same love for you. you finally understand why. your questions are finally answered—how can you refuse him?

ran falls apart in your arms, and he embraces you tighter than you hugged him. he holds you tight in fear that he might lose you again. he wraps you tight in his arms so you won’t slip away like a dream that ends.

“i’ve only ever wished for you to come around, ran. you should know by now that i will stay with you in spite of your past, in spite of your regrets, in spite the way you feel about yourself. i’m here to stay, if you love me.”

he no longer has to say it. the way he keeps his face in the crook of your neck and leaving revered kisses at the back of your ear is enough to let you know that he does.

“my heart was only guarded so much when it came to you because it knew that it belonged to you. i’m letting down my guards, baby.”

you slightly pull away so you can look at his eyes. the eyes that you used to wish upon a star are now staring back at you with the same adoration and love.

“that’s everything i need to hear, ran.”

“i am in love with you.”

you smile, “and that.”

“i don’t want you to be my future history. i want you with me forever. i want people to know us, that i belong to you and you to me.”

“that, too.”

you tiptoe to kiss his jaw and he shifts his head so he can reach your lips instead. relief washes over him when it dawns on him that this is real. you are real, and this time, he won’t mess it up.

the missiles he used to fire will be replaced by your gentleness and love, and that’s the kind of change that he can live with. because it’s you.

[seichira]

wild enough for you.

you grow insecure with the kind of normal that sanzu haruchiyo enjoys, and you worry that he has been keeping you in the dark because you aren’t crazy enough to keep up.

pairing : kmg!sanzu x reader

content : angsty but also fluffy. encounters and mentions of usual gang and criminal activity. jealousy with comfort. suggestive. drunk reader, and sanzu taking care of you.

you should have known that you could never keep up with the very active life that your boyfriend leads.

what normal person ends up wounded and bruised on an alleyway late in the night, only to be found by an unfortunate student passing by who is forced to take the person in question home to tend to them?

that is exactly have you met him. you being the unknowing student and him being the wounded man who would’ve died if it weren’t for your golden heart.

do you not see how you should have taken the hint from the very beginning?

but no, you closed your eyes to the sketchy shit that sanzu did because at first, you were too enthralled with how pretty his eyes looked, how enviable his hair was, and how beautiful he was in spite the scars.

after moving past the undeniable physical attraction, you fall in love with him deeply for all the times he visited you, ate home-cooked dinner with you, complainingly accompanied you while you studied, and all the days you just spent together like normal couples where no gang activity is involved.

however, this translates to the fact that sanzu is the one adjusting to your life. the life you share with him is simply just your life, not his. a normal life that involves only going to school in the morning and rushing straight home at the end of the day, with a few hangouts with friends here and there.

with that being said, this doesn’t apply both ways. it’s not that you do not want to get involved with your beloved’s life that he leads on the other side of the spectrum, it’s that he wouldn’t let you.

let’s be clear. sanzu doesn’t keep it a secret.

you know well that you are in a relationship with a delinquent, and you know how that term is a dire understatement of who he really is. he tells you that he is in a gang with other powerful people he has known since he was a kid. you know that he owns a katana that doesn’t need an explanation for what he uses it for, the blood stains on his uniform and his shirts are enough to tell you.

you love him too much to care about all that, to want to count how many people he has hurt, to keep tabs on the crimes he has committed. his loving kisses are enough to make up for all the things he rather keep to himself to protect you.

but sometimes, you wish he tells you more.

“anyway, ran haitani came up to our table and offered me a drink! and he was all over me! you have no idea how hot it was, his huge hand squeezing my thighs! the jealous looks of everyone!”

you and your friend exchanged knowing looks at the mention of a familiar name from a loud conversation happening at the adjacent table.

it’s not quite the relaxed evening you expected at this chill bar you entered to refresh with your classmate from university on a friday night, but you shrug it off and let them talk about hot men all they want.

it is only at the mention of haitani’s name that you start really listening. you realize they are talking about hot men specifically from kantou manji gang.

your boyfriend’s gang.

“was sanzu haruchiyo there?” you hear a woman ask, and you sit straight up to listen intently. “he’s the hottest of them all. i would take him over everyone else in his gang on any goddamn day!”

while you agree, there is a churning feeling in your stomach that grows larger at every agreement that follows that statement. it forms a green monster of jealousy and insecurity knowing how known your boyfriend really is, and how many wants him.

“i know, right? have you seen him in that white freakin’ uniform? he’s exactly the type of guy that my dad would be horrified of if i ever dated him, but that’s the charm in him!”

“but isn’t he in a relationship? that’s why among all of them, he doesn’t approach women at all?”

“who cares? you think a man like him would ever want to settle with just one woman? dream on. he’s gonna want all the women in the world!”

“that makes sense. a crazy man like him on the loose isn’t gonna want a leash on his neck. what he needs is an equally wild woman for an adventure!”

you bite your lip and sink deeper in the cushioned couch you’re sitting on, while your friend shoots you an apologetic and comforting smile.

they have no idea that you share a bed with sanzu haruchiyo. they do not know that he comes home to you every night, asking you to clean his wounds for him. they aren’t aware of all the times you cuddle the man in question to sleep, and play with his hair.

they do not know that sanzu will die for you because he is deeply in love with you, and only you.

and in this moment, you forget that too.

as much as you trust your haruchiyo, it kills you to think that they’re probably right.

your boyfriend is all too full of life and vigor, much too exciting to be settling with your boring life. he doesn’t deserve to make himself small and contain himself in your routines. he deserves to live.

you wish you are strong enough to let him go, but still, you do not want to. you love him, and it would kill you to have to set him free.

if you can’t set him free to live the life he was born to live, the least you could do is… be wild enough.

for the rest of the night, you drown yourself in alcohol until you reach past the state of being in the right mind. you are far from sober, and your friend has no idea what to do with you.

so she grabs your phone and gives your boyfriend a quick call. her hands are trembling at the fact that she is talking to a man as dangerous as he is, but you are absolutely out of control and sanzu is the only one who knows how to deal with you.

“y/n, please! you can’t go there!” your friend pleads with you as she pulls you away from the rowdy part of the bar where the dance floor is.

it is full of creeps and people who want to get laid, and you are definitely not available for all that. but that’s part of getting wild, right?

fuck midterms! fuck your due essays! fuck university! tonight, you will be wild enough to keep up with your boyfriend, and then maybe he’ll wanna stay with you!

“it’s going to be fine!” you slur your words drunkenly, matching with the wiggling of your feet as you squeeze yourself in the ocean of people and dance with whoever stands next to you.

your friend loses sight of you, and you gain more freedom to just dance to the rhythm of the booming music. you do not care whose body you’re touching or whose drink you just accepted. you just let loose.

you have never done this before, and as much as you respect anyone who parties like this since it’s their life and they can do anything with it, it doesn’t feel like yourself. but then again, you are on a mission.

“fucking hell!”

suddenly, a strong grip wraps around your wrist and you are being forcefully dragged away from the dance floor. you giggle in your drunken state when you see your boyfriend’s back, who is currently seething with rage as he pulls you outside of the bar.

“what the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” he shouts as soon as he gets you alone. “you’re gettin’ fucking drunk now, huh? dancing with other men?! you know how i could’ve snapped their necks!?”

you giggle adorably and you place your palms on his chest flirtatiously. you can’t help it when he’s in his white kantou manji uniform, and with his beautiful hair tied up in a ponytail like this.

“l-like it, hmm? wild e-enough… for you, baby?”

he doesn’t understand what the hell you’re saying but he does know that you are too drunk to keep yourself upright. he erupts in another string of continuous curses and he scoops you in his arms, to settle you inside his car, and take you home.

“h-haru… y’like me like this? wild? hmm?” you continue asking him over and over again until you get home. he still doesn’t understand, and his eyebrows almost meeting is enough clue of that.

he almost throws you on the huge couch as soon as you arrive, but he cares for you too much to ignore you so he wets a cloth to clean you with it.

sanzu haruchiyo is angry. this is the angriest you have ever seen him, but he continues wiping your body with the cloth, and it kind of sobers you up.

“i have no idea what you’re fucking thinking. first, you fail to tell me that you’ll be drinking in a bar with a friend and i would like to know that so i wouldn’t be taken by surprise like this! and then you get absolutely wasted? and dance with men! for what?!”

he is seething, and you want to start by saying sorry. but instead, you run to the bathroom to vomit out all the alcohol you downed earlier. despite his anger, he follows you to the toilet and he runs his hand up and down your back to caress it.

“there, there, it’s going to feel better now,” he comforts you, but you know his disappointment for tonight is still there.

sanzu flushes the toilet and pulls you up, guides you to the sink, and helps you wash your mouth while holding your hair for you.

you burst into tears at how gentle he handles you despite the fury going on in his system. you feel like shit, and you are both sorry and insecure.

finally, you face your angry boyfriend. he closes the distance between you until your back meets the sink and he cages you between his arms.

“explain.”

he is melting at the sight of your tears but he is dying to hear your explanations. he wants to know that you love him still, and that you don’t want other men. he needs to know that you’re not doing this because you want to break up with him. he needs you to let him know that you love him… because he loves you.

“i-i’m sorry, haru,” you manage to say in between your sobs. “i didn’t know what to do. i was scared.”

“scared? scared of what?” he asks, because how could you be scared of anything when you have a boyfriend who is head over heels for you who can just annihilate all the things that you hate?

“of losing you!”

“how could you ever lose me, huh, baby doll?” his tone softens, because at long last, he finally knows that you are afraid to lose him just like he is afraid of losing you. “that still doesn’t explain why you’d get yourself drunk like that. doesn’t make sense to me.”

“because… you keep so many secrets from me. m-makes me think i’m not worthy enough to know what you’re doing because… i’m not wild or crazy enough!”

is that what this is? sanzu hates invalidating your feelings, but shit. that explanation is fucking nuts.

“baby, i don’t keep secrets. i tell you about my day. but there are things i’d rather not let you know because… it’ll keep you safer that way.”

“so, it’s not because… i’m boring?”

he cups your face with his hands, “you entertain me just fine, baby. what the fuck is this about not being wild enough, huh? who told you you need to change anything for me? i don’t fucking care for all that.”

“it’s just that, i heard women talk about you. a while ago. they said people like you won’t want to settle down or something… ‘cuz it’ll bore you…”

“you can tie me down right now and get me fuckin’ married and i won’t complain for shit, baby. all i want is to be with you. they clearly do not know me.”

you stop sobbing but hiccups linger, making sanzu grin at how adorable you look like this. he wipes your tears away with his thumbs and he sighs loudly.

“and here i was getting worried you just wanted to dance with other men ‘cause you finally realized i wasn’t good enough for ‘ya.”

your eyes widen in surprise. “no way! that will never happen! i love you so much! how could you think that?!”

“but that’s exactly what you’re doing to me…”

his voice calms you down and you realize that he is right. “i know… i’m sorry, haru. i know you love me.”

he nods and kisses the tip of your nose. “only you. you don’t have to change anything for me. don’t have to be crazy. i can be crazy for the both of us, baby.”

[seichira]

to do it all again.

not manga spoiler free !

manjiro sano lost you in his past life. he has had to live with the agony of seeing you fall apart at his lies of betrayal and infidelity. now that he gets the opportunity to turn back time, there is nothing he wouldn’t do to make things right.

pairing : timeleaper!mikey x reader

content : angst with comfort. second chances. major manga spoilers. confessions of cheating (but it was a lie told by mikey to push reader away). cursing. mentions of death.

mikey stands on the ledge of a rooftop of the building, looking over the city lights illuminating the night, letting the wind brush through his long hair.

he could see the people from here, albeit tiny, he can still observe everyone who passes by. there are smiles on their faces, lovers holding their hands, happily walking on the streets of tokyo aimlessly.

a sharp pain shoots through his chest when he looks beside him, ready to hold the hand of the love of his life, only to be reminded that he is entirely all by himself. it hurts, and he knows he doesn’t have the right to complain when he was the one who pushed you and everyone else away.

he is alone by choice. he distanced himself and deliberately wanted everyone to hate him by choice. that should make it all alright, that the sole reason he has nothing is him. that is what he tells himself.

no matter how self-destructive he is, there is a voice in his head that loves him, and it questions everything that has gone wrong in mikey’s life.

is it really his choice if he doesn’t like it? is it really by choice if had things been different, he wouldn’t have to do it? if he wishes he had another choice?

how is any of this fair?

how could you let them do this to you, mikey?

who gets to decide who is dangerous and not? who gets to decide who would live happily with their loved ones and those who would die alone? if there is a god out there, how is it any fair just for him to be standing on top of the world... all cold and broken?

it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

it’s all so fucking unfair.

all his life, he has done nothing but envy people for being happy, and for not being afraid to be. because whenever he’s happy, he always had to brace himself for the consequence that would come next.

his happiness was always conditional. always with a price to pay. and now he thinks he has maxed out, having experienced pure bliss with you.

the love of his goddamn pitiful life.

maybe this is payment for being too happy. for thinking you’d both have a future together. it is his punishment for ever thinking it was possible for him to be with someone as good as you.

mikey will repent for it, but he misses you so.

he misses you so much he is close to hallucinating an image of you in all the places you’ve been to together. his throat itches at the urge to scream his lungs out at being full of too much longing.

he misses you, and his skin longs for your touch, his heart for your love, and his soul for your warmth. but he can’t do anything to change that.

he closes his eyes to get rid of the sight of people living their lives just right below him, and try to get a memory of you smiling at him.

instead, he is confronted by the memory of the night when he let you go. no—it’s not just letting you go. he deliberately hurt you so you could let him go.

manjiro sano remembers it all. he remembers your betrayal-stricken eyes. he remembers your quivering lips. he remembers your hiccups in between your sobs. he remembers how he broke your heart, the very thing he promised that he wouldn’t do.

he remembers it all too well.

it sucks to be the one who remembers.

“i don’t think i heard you right, manjiro.”

your boyfriend hasn’t been coming home lately. it worries you, where he is, where he stays when he’s not home. you worry if he eats well, if he is alright and not all beaten up somewhere.

despite his behavior, you brush it off as something that he has to do. maybe he needed some time to himself. perhaps something important came up in kantou manji hang. he’s an important man, after all.

you don’t have the heart to assume something else other than that. so, the revelation he makes to you tonight as soon as you gets in the door shocks you.

“you heard me right,” he says without emotion, despite the havoc wreaking inside his body it makes him want to hurl. “i cheated on you. kissed and slept with someone else. i can’t bear to keep it from you.”

his heart is acting like a ticking time bomb. the confusion in your eyes, not believing what he just said, hurts more than if you would just scream at him and throw curses around.

she doesn’t believe me.

the expression on your face is straight. you are waiting for the punchline. it is a cruel fucking joke but you’re willing to forgive him for it if he would just say that he’s tripping.

but he doesn’t say anything. he just stands at the doorway, almost one foot outside the door because he’s so ready to leave. he’s ready to leave you and you don’t understand why.

“you’re lying.”

he shakes his head, and it was the cue for your heart to start clawing out of your ribs in the realization that he might just be telling the truth.

but he’s manjiro sano. he is yours. he has always been yours like you have been his. there is no way he could do that to you. the person who kisses your forehead goodnight could not possibly cheat on you.

“i’m not lying.”

he is lying. he hasn’t been coming home because his impulses have been worst than ever. he’s afraid he’d black out and wake up to your cold body next to him. he’s terrified that his love would not be enough to keep you safe from the danger that is himself.

he is lying, because it is physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually impossible for the man to even look at somebody else that is not you.

you are the only one he wants. you are the only one he has ever loved. that is his greatest, naked truth. and right now, he has to convince you otherwise.

how could he fucking possibly make you believe that he doesn’t love you anymore, when his entire body knows for sure that it belongs to you. only you.

“i tried to stop it, but i’ve been so fuckin’ lonely lately with all those nights alone. needed someone to keep me warm, you know.” it feels like insects are crawling underneath his skin at the disgust he feels at his own words, despite coming from a place of untruth.

in denial, it is your turn to shake your head. you even manage to crack a smile in hopes that he would return it. “mikey, p-please? i don’t get it, love. this is not a good joke. please, stop it, yeah?”

your pleas don’t fall on deaf ears. he’s willing to stop saying it over and over now only if you would believe him and just push him away.

but you’re not doing that.

see, mikey? this is how much she loves you. she loves you too much for her own good. she loves you so much she believes you’re not capable of doing this. she loves you. love her enough to let her go before you become the death of her.

“i’m not kidding. i slept with someone else, and i liked it. i wanted it to happen.”

when the realization hits you, when the coldness behind his ivory eyes supported his claims of cheating on you, you break and manjiro sano breaks with you.

he cannot bare to look at the sobs that leave the lips that he worships, nor the tears that escape the eyes that he would be a slave for.

you are hurting because of him and he knows it would happen. he wanted this to happen. better break your heart than have you die on his arms. he can’t let that happen. not in this lifetime and not in the next.

for five minutes, the only sound bouncing off the walls of your studio apartment is your wails. cries of someone who feels like they have lost everything, including faith in all that they have ever believed in.

“why…” you whisper, but loud enough for him to hear. “why would you… how could… i don’t understand. i can’t wrap my head around it.”

he wants to look away, but he doesn’t. he looks at you, bearing your broken heart to him, serving it to him on a silver platter.

mikey etches it in his mind to make sure he remembers how hurt you were, so he can pay for it in hell. he is not sure how, but he will suffer for it. he promises he will burn just to fucking pay for this—this moment, right here.

“i’ll just grab my stuff and i’ll be out before you know it.”

your eyes widen and you hurry to block his way to the bedroom. “what? no! no! you’re not leaving, mikey! we’re going to talk about this, okay? y-you can’t leave like this. this is your home. don’t go. please.”

the look he gives you is incredulous. “are you sick in the head? i cheated on you, and you want me to stay?”

you flinch at the reminder. he can’t believe it left your mind for a moment. you can’t believe it either because even though everything has been said and done, you still can’t believe it.

“everything hurts! looking at you hurts too much right now, but i need to understand! i want to hate you but i’m willing to talk about it if you have an explanation! you can call me stupid but i’m not letting you go! make me understand! just… don’t leave.”

he looks away because he can only take so much. he wants to get away from here as fast as possible so he won’t have to hear or see the aftermath of the storm he just created.

pushing past through you, you stumble in your foot following him to the bedroom where he brought out a bag that he now fills with some of his clothes. without you noticing, he grabs a hoodie of yours and leaves you one of his, along with most of his things.

“you don’t have to leave! you can say sorry right now and i will forgive you, manjiro!” you continue to sob as you reach out a hand to stop his arms from moving more.

he shoots you a weary look. “why can’t you just let me fuckin’ leave?!”

“because i might never get to see you again! as much as i can’t bare to look at you knowing what you did, i can never live knowing i’d never see you again! you will disappear! i know you!”

he wants to take you in an embrace and ask for your forgiveness for lying, but he has to stand his ground. everyone he has ever loved will die, if he doesn’t leave.

you will be in peril if he doesn’t do this. and there is nothing he wouldn’t sacrifice to keep that from happening.

“if-if you don’t have feelings the person you slept with, we can figure this out. mikey, love, i’m willing to work this out with you. j-just don’t leave.”

you just thought him how to get out of this. he is going to say it, and he is not going to mean it.

“i love them.”

if the thought of him being physically involved with someone else brought excruciating pain, this—him falling in love with someone else—was death.

mikey dies with you.

i will pay for this, baby. i will burn in hell to pay for this. i will never forgive myself for this. i promise, that i shall never be happy again after this.

at the battle of the two tomans, he finds himself begging takemichi to stay alive.

“this is why i pushed you all away, see? this is exactly what i feared would happen!” he cries out because he is exhausted.

his dark impulses are gone, but takemichi is gone, and you are gone. everyone he loves is gone, in one way or another.

he has done everything in his power to keep this from happening. he survived lonely nights, ate bland meals, and lived in isolation the past years just to keep all of you safe.

he had to watch his friends reach milestones and celebrate with each other, face hurdles together, simply hanging out as the sun sets while he does nothing but wish he was included—all of that to stop this, but it’s happening. there was nothing else he could have done but life is working against him still.

right now, he’s soaking in the blood of one of his very best friends. shinichiro is gone, emma is gone, izana is gone, draken is gone, and he doesn’t doubt that there would be a next if he keeps himself close.

why? i don’t understand. he has followed everything even when it killed him, so why?

“c’mon, takemitchi! wake the hell up, damn it!”

the people whom he once called his friends are all weeping tears of grief at the sight of the new leader of tokyo manji gang bleeding out. they won’t ever say it, but mikey is sure they are blaming him for it. everyone probably thinks they would have been better off without him, without meeting him again like this.

they all have each other, they would have been fine. but what about mikey? what about him?

do they not know?

do they not know how much he wept and how he made his house a disaster right after he went home when he saw draken laying lifelessly on the ground with three bullet holes in his body?

do they not know how much he wishes he could just be selfish for once and come home to you? so you can wipe his tears and nurse his pain?

of course, they don’t know. he never showed that to anyone. no matter how much he wished someone saw it anyway.

he had to stand by his decision, no matter how lonely the road he chose was. he would choose it again and again, if it ensures this won’t happen. but it’s happening.

and he wants nothing else but make it right.

again, again, and again.

the next time mikey opens his eyes, he is back in his childhood home. he lays awake on his bed, confused as to why he could hear shinichiro’s screams for emma to get off the couch, and the latter’s cheeky giggles.

he thinks, what a dream. i miss them so much since the day they left me. the heavens know what i’d give to go back to this day.

mikey startles when the door to his bedroom opens, revealing shinichiro.

he almost wants to cry and throw himself at his brother to hug him, but the older sibling got to open his mouth first.

“and you! when will you get up?! when it’s christmas? move it or you’ll be late for school again! that won’t be a good impression to make for your y/n, your crush!”

this dream is a little too realistic. still, he follows his brother like a good boy, completely going with the flow of this dream.

but when he steps on the floor, his foot catches a lego scattered around, and he yelps in pain. in pain.

that’s not normal in a dream, is it?

slowly, the idea of the possibility of time-leaping introduced to him by takemichi hits him. he sprints outside his room and snaps his head to the calendar.

and the year suggests that he is eight years old. a child. and this year, everyone is alive.

“emma?” he calls for his sister that he carried lifeless on his back by himself. there are now real tears in his eyes, and his sister slowly approaches him.

“hmm? are you okay, mikey?” the blondie little girl asks curiously, confused as to why mikey has literal waterfalls for an eye right now.

“will you punch me on the face real hard?”

without a second thought, emma does so, like she has been waiting for her whole life to do that. mikey grunts, but tears only continue to flow at pure happiness of this second chance.

he embraces emma in his arms. “you’re here. oh, my god. you’re really here. nii-san will protect you this time, yeah? i promise ‘ya that.”

his next thought… is none other than you.

he doesn’t bother to put on his uniform. despite shinichiro calling him to get back, he only rides his bike and pedals as fast as he can to get to school. he looks for the 2nd graders’ classroom.

and there you were. sitting all too cute and pretty on the colorful chairs of the elementary school you both attended, with a spare seat next to you that you specifically reserved for him because he is always late.

time stops for him when you raise your head to look up at him, and meet his eyes.

you are both alive, and you are both young with your whole lives ahead of you. you don’t know it yet, but this little crush thing going on between you two right now will grow into something bigger.

you have no idea that you will end up kissing him first on your last day at middle school, and move in together at eighteen.

but he knows.

he knows what went right. he knows what went wrong. and he knows what to do this time so he won’t have to let you go anymore.

so he walks up to you, and says:

“hi. you look like my girlfriend.”

you laugh it off as a poorly executed pick-up line he heard from his brother, but then again, he knows something you don’t know.

you are his girlfriend. or at least, you will be.

“manjiro, you look like you need some sleep!” you say as your cheeks flush at his line anyway, pertaining to his puffy eyes that are results of his incessant crying.

manjiro sano smiles.

“i think so, too.”

[seichira]

what do we know at sixteen?

when hanma shuji disappeared without a trace, without a goodbye, you were quite sure that a part of you will always love him. when he shows up years later, all grown up, he is no longer the sweet shuji you remember him as.

pairing : hanma shuji x reader

content : angst with comfort. 2.4k words

warnings : swearing, violence, gang activity, guns.

the one question that usually comes up at every late night conversation while sharing drinks with a friend is, “have you ever been in love?”

“yes,” you answer wholeheartedly, because it is the truth. growing up, leaving the comforts of childhood and venturing into the adult world is confusing as hell, but there is one thing you know for sure.

you have been in love back when you were sixteen. with hanma shuji. if anyone asks a follow-up question asking whether you still love this man, you say, “no, i don’t. it was a long time ago. it was probably just puppy love.”

now, that response is reeking with lies after another.

no, you haven’t moved on. a part of your heart will always be a little bit in love with hanma shuji. it might have been a long time ago, but it feels like yesterday when you were holding hands as he walked you to your house. finally. no, it wasn’t just puppy love.

you didn’t know much about love back then but the way his body melts perfectly into yours and the safety you felt when he embraced you was enough of an explanation that you two were in love.

there is no other explanation except for love in all the nights he stayed up to throw rocks at your childhood bedroom’s window to grab your attention after a petty fight, or when he climbed up to your room with his tall and lanky body so he can pepper your face with kisses as an apology.

if it wasn’t love, how can you explain that one midnight when he got beaten up and didn’t want to go home, so he went to you to seek solace. when the boy who others thought was so cool behaved like a baby just so you would cuddle him, comfort him. when he let you put hello kitty band-aids on the cuts on his forehead.

how can anyone accuse you of not being in love if everything shuji did that endangered his safety, killed you a little bit inside everytime he did them? was it really not love if shuji did everything to protect the blissful innocence of your childhood, all while he suffered at his abusive home?

you loved him without question.

hanma shuji loved you dearly.

at least, that was what you believed until you wake up one morning, and he wasn’t there waiting at your doorstep to walk you to school. until he disappeared into thin air, not leaving even at least a shadow of his existence.

sometimes, at random times, flashbacks of your sixteen-year-old self plays in your mind like a vintage tape. reminding you of the day you walked around his sketchy neighborhood with tears in your eyes and sobs leaving your lips as you knocked on every door, asking where shuji went.

their house was empty. not even a single furniture was there, but you guess it has always been that way even when they were there. his house that he shared with his parents didn’t feel like home, didn’t feel safe. and after shuji left that house, it was nothing more than just a structure of drywall and peeling paint.

of course, you also recall reaching his phone a million times through calls and texts. at first, the calls still went through and it rang his phone, but he never answered them. you held on to that, until he one day cut all possible ties when the number he once used was no longer available.

it was cruel that a girl that young had to go through such a heartbreak. there wasn’t enough apologies fate could offer you for all the nights you spent crying, staring at your window hoping shuji would start throwing rocks again.

the pain in his absence was the only thing that reminded you of him, ironically. so you held on to it for a long time, because the hurt was proof that he was real. it was the last piece of evidence that you were loved by hanma shuji.

you chose to rise past the truth that he left you without a word, choosing instead to remember the good times you had. there were a lot. they were enough.

all these years, when you think of shuji, you picture him as someone who is a lot taller and more handsome than he already was before. you see him remaining sweet but still a bit of a troublemaker, but nonetheless, kind.

you took comfort in those thoughts. he’s in a better state now, for sure. he’s probably moved far away from his abusive parents, living in a big house just like you two used to dream of, eating sumptuous meals, and generally just living well.

after spending the night at the karaoke place with your officemates, you bid each of them goodnight and you start walking the dimly lit street. there are barely any taxis passing by, so you continue walking to help ease off the tipsiness brought by the bottle of beer you ordered.

a few minutes later, you almost reach the front of another alley. at first, there were muffled noises that you brush off as usual city noise. the closer you walk, the louder those muffled noises become.

until you stop walking altogether to turn your head towards the dark alley. the first sight you register is a broad back of a tall man in a suit. with... a gun. and in front of him... a person with a white cloth as a gag on his mouth.

you gasp, but you are also quick to cover your mouth with a palm. as much as you want to run away, your feet are glued in place. if you do run away, your legs will only fail you with how badly they are trembling.

the man in the suit can turn around anytime and find you. but you can’t. at this second, you don’t realize it yet, but you are exactly the characters the horror movies who you bash for being stupid.

“any last word?”

you shiver at the lack of emotion in the voice of the man. it is cold, heartless. the voice of a criminal who has no regard for life.

“please! please! let me live! i really do not know who killed kisaki tetta! i swear it wasn’t me! i have a family! my two daughters are waiting so please-” the helpless bloodied man earns a kicking on the stomach.

“i said word. that’s too many, you piece of shit.”

you hear the cucking sound of the gun, and the tall man aims it to the forehead of the man kneeling before him. can you just watch it happen? the man said it himself, he has a family. he has daughters.

before you can even think, you sob out, “no, please! don’t!”

the two men simultaneously looks at you. the man in a suit freezes before he moves his body to completely face you. however, your eyes are set on the man kneeling. you ran to him, stupidly so, and you try to free him from his restraints despite shaking so badly.

you wonder why the man in a suit doesn’t move to stop you. to kill you. to dispose of you after interrupting him. but you can’t do it, you can’t let someone be killed right in front of you. this scenario was exactly something that your nightmares were made of back then, because you were terrified that your shuji would be hurt this way.

“run away, please. run away,” you whisper delicately to the injured man. still, no intervention came from the man behind you. you wonder why, but you are certain you are going to die here tonight.

slowly, you rose to your feet, raise your two hands in surrender, and face the heartless criminal. but that heartless criminal is hanma shuji.

the two of you stood there, staring wide-eyed at each other. his lips are parted in surprise, and his eyes filled with anguish that you had to see that, and the shock of seeing you again. while yours, of familiarity but also of fear that this man is not the shuji you once knew.

“sh-shuji?”

“what the fuck?!” he screams at you. he has never done that before. hell, you have the nerve to be scared of his roaring voice when you just witnessed him almost commit a murder right before your eyes. “the fucking man got away! he was my only fuckin’ lead! fucking shit!”

he runs past you and doesn’t give you a chance to say another word. he runs, and runs, and runs, until he is out of sight. he was supposed to chase after the man, but he doesn’t. he purposefully let you free the man because he knew it would have killed you inside if you failed. he runs because he can’t face you, not now that he’s a criminal he spent his entire life keeping you away from.

there is something terribly wrong with you. yes, you are up all night because of what just happened, but you aren’t thinking of the attempted murder that unfolded in front of you.

you are thinking about shuji, and how right you are about his appearance but also how terribly wrong you are about the life he is leading.

there is something terribly wrong with you.

because you realize tonight that you do not just love him a little. you are deeply in love with him still, and that is the reason why you haven’t loved anyone else after him, and it wasn’t because you were too busy with studies or work.

after all these years, it is still hanma shuji for you.

tonight, you allow the sixteen-year-old girl within you to weep for what hanma shuji has become. he isn’t your sweet, troublemaker boy anymore. he didn’t even seem to know who you are. he is a criminal.

and you fucking love him still.

in the middle of your thoughts and tears at four in the morning, a knock comes on your condo unit’s door. with a groan because of your throbbing head, you head to the door to open it, expecting housekeeping.

but right in front of you is the man himself, hanma shuji.

he looks tired and forlorn. despite his proud stance in the way he carries himself, his eyes are dead at void of life. he is an incredibly handsome man, but somehow, that beauty isn’t enough to erase desperation on his face.

“sh-shuji,” you choked out. “it is you, right?”

a tear escapes from his eyes when you reach out to hold his face gently, like he is the most important person in the world, when he was expecting a slap on the face. he sheds a tear for the first time in ten years, the last time being the time he had to leave you behind because his gang life was getting too dangerous for you. he cries because the woman he never stopped loving, the woman who just saw him commit a crime, is holding his face like a fragile glass.

“it’s me,” he whispers.

it dawns on you that he is still your shuji. he is standing right in front of you to show you exactly that. i changed, but it’s still me. i’m still your shuji. please, embrace me for who i am. please.

with a soft gaze and a soft voice, you ask him. “what happened?”

so you lead him inside, sit him down on your couch, and let him talk. you two are seated at opposite ends of the sofa, two people leaving a distance because they are afraid of what might happen if they cross it, and they want to cross it so bad.

the entire time, your brain is screaming, i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.

shuji explains everything to you. 

he tells you how a rival gang back then was killing everyone they held dear and a single connection to you will put you in peril.

he confesses that it broke his heart just as much as it broke yours, that when you were crying yourself to sleep, he wasn’t necessarily celebrating somewhere else. 

he admits that it took everything in him not to run back to you and beg you to take him back, to love him again.

he comes clean to the fact that he has been keeping track of you after all this time just to make sure you live somewhere safe, that no danger will come upon you, that you will grow up and live happily.

but he tells you how hard his life has been and why he is what he is right now, and he doesn’t have it in him to be sorry for all the things he did to survive.

“i’m sorry you had to see that, i–i have no excuse. i was too freaked out to see you there. never should’ve shouted at you. i am sorry.” he mutters after a long time of speaking. you listen to all that he has to say, and you reach out a hand to rest on top of his. 

you are hoping to get your message across through that touch. i believe you. i know. i understand.

when shuji comes at a dead end in thinking of what to say next, you scoot closer to him and took his much larger frame in your arms. with that single move, you unknowingly give hanma shuji the very thing he has craved for. your embrace.

“i don’t blame you, shuji,” you manage to say in between the soft hiccups that came with your tears. “it must have been so hard for you... and i wasn’t there.”

“it was because i left. i also wasn’t there for you when i promised i’d always be, y/n.”

you shake your head and stare straight into his eyes. “no... you did it to protect me.”

“i still could’ve done a lot of things differently! could’ve saved you a lot of heartbreaks!” he can’t help but share his regrets and his mistakes that he wishes he could make right. you stop him again by caging his face with your hands.

“shuji. we were kids. we didn’t know any better. what do we know at sixteen?”

he nods and frees himself from whatever keeps him from breaking down. he knows he can cry with you. he knows you won’t harm him. he knows he can be vulnerable when he is with you.

“thank you, shuji, for everything.” you pull him in to kiss him tenderly. there is a faint taste of the mixture of your tears on your lips, but neither of you seem to mind. “i love you.”

hanma shuji traces your jaw with the back of his hand while memorizing every part of this version of you. he swears he will never leave you again, he will never torture himself that much again. he has the world now. nothing can hurt you now.

“i knew at sixteen that i will always, always... be in love with you, y/n.”

[seichira]

even when i’m hard to love.

you can argue that one of the most painful kinds of love there is, is the kind that refuses to be received. loving sanzu haruchiyo has taught you what it is like to adore someone who doesn’t think he deserves the good things in the world.

pairing : haruchiyo sanzu x reader

content : angst with comfort. mutual pining. the usual gang shenanigans. mentions of violence. inappropriate language.

growing up, you were so sure that your life would go according to plan. you will go to school and study hard, get in a prestigious university, graduate with latin honors, get a stable career, meet someone whom you will settle down with, and probably have a family if the tides ever say it’s right.

in hindsight, it was a good plan. it was commendable, and it was understandable how strict they were considering how young you were back when you mapped them all out. it really was a good plan, and you couldn’t have known that not everything would go your way.

sure, things went well for the first few steps. you got good grades and outstanding extracurriculars enough that got you into a university, albeit not your first choice (c’mon, life isn’t that kind). so far, you are still in the running for honors and the connections and experience you have accumulated basically quite assures that you’d have a decent job once you graduate.

but your luck stops there, because you fell in love with sanzu haruchiyo who can’t seem to accept it.

he does to you all the things that a lover would do for their loved one, but he never admits it. he would tip his feet to test the waters but never fully dive in.

you know deep down that he feels the same way, but years into this frenzied relation with him, you’re not so sure anymore. more often than not, you spend your nights soaking your pillows with your tears of unrequited love only to dry them off the next morning. loving haruchiyo has pushed you to do the unimaginable, to modify your plans into something where he would fit—but that is much too difficult.

he is uncontainable. the man you are so ready to give your heart and soul to is so near, but so damn unreachable. you can’t grasp him, you can’t keep him all to yourself because he is running like sand away from your tightened fingers.

you have had to scratch off your dreams of settling down and building a family because the man you’re in love with is… a blur. haruchiyo is a blur.

“what have you been doing, haru?” you ask as you approach the front steps of your dorm’s building, where sanzu was sitting on one of the steps with his head hung low, only looking up at the sound of your familiar footsteps and your voice.

“what do you mean?”

“i mean…” worriedly, you walk nearer and kneel down to level with his face and expect the cuts on it.

your face contorts into your usual expression of worry, and he hates it. he wants to flip a table and break anything on sight just for you to stop doing that expression on him.

“quit it, y/n.” he turns his face away, but you grip his chin gently and he wasn’t necessarily protesting so it was easy to keep him in place for more inspection.

“where did you get these wounds and bruises from, huh? i thought you were at home. did you get yourself into trouble again? do they hurt, haru?”

he glares at you, defensive now that you pointed out his face. he thinks he was stupid to hope that you won’t notice them or make a big deal out of them.

“just got into some stupid fight with frat boys who think they’re the shit. they’re not. you should see how they look. all black-eyed, passed out and shit.”

“them having it worse than you doesn’t make it any better.” you shake your head in disapproval, but you know better than to tell him off for doing what makes him feel alive. for now, you focus on patching him up.

he grins unseriously, “it makes it better.”

you choose to zip your mouth and no longer try to contest him to lessen the risk of having him run away again. “alright, then. i ran out of cotton swabs and antiseptics so i have to bring you to the clinic.”

the way he shoves your hand away from him does not even hurt you physically. the pain shot straight all the way to your chest where you felt it all. the pain of the rejection from him, and him alone.

“h-haru, i…” your voice trembles but you try to keep it all together. “i have to bring you there. i don’t want to leave your wounds overnight without doing anything. you need stitches. p-please. it’ll be quick. if i have to, if the nurse would let me, i would do it myself.”

he hates his scars and that is something you never fail to remember. as much as possible, you treat him fast to alleviate any pain and also… to prevent more scars that would haunt him. but if it’s just your opinion that matters, the scars he has are beautiful and you want to bury them with enough kisses to make him forget how he got them.

“let’s go, please. h-haru.”

meanwhile, you don’t notice the way sanzu shuts his eyes tightly in pure guilt at how you struggle to simply get him on board for his own sake.

“fuckin’ let it go.”

there he goes again, doing what he is best at. pushing you away and asking you not to care when it is obviously too late for that. acting like he’s too good for the love you gladly offer him.

you scoff at his attitude and stand up, leaving him sitting alone on the steps. “how could i let it go? you’re sitting in front of my building all hurt and bruised up and you think i won’t fuss over it?”

all you want to do it touch him. trace your fingertips over the red and purple marks on his face in hopes that the love you have all over you would ease the pain he carries around. hide him in your pockets so no one could ever dare lay a hand on him again.

it’s all so simple. you only wish for so little. is that all too much to ask for? to love him properly?

he looks up to shoot a sharp glare at you. “yeah! exactly! ‘cuz i only wanted some company who doesn’t act my goddamn mother!”

you don’t know it, and even he doesn’t know it, but he was lying. he went here because seeing you is his only comfort, but he doesn’t know that so he has no way of saying it. he went here because he knew exactly how you would react and he’s addicted to how it feels being cared for by you. but again, he doesn’t realize that. he acts on autopilot.

“your mother? really?” you almost spit in offense. even if he either meant it literally or in a sense that cages him, it’s both hurtful. his mother left him the way you never did, and you never meant to smother him to the point of suffocation.

“i don’t even know what you mean by that. i don’t think i want to know. but let me say this to you—if you hate it so much being taken care of, then maybe my company isn’t what you need. i will always worry about you and you want someone who doesn’t. it’s not me who you’re looking for. you don’t want me.“

he does.

god, he does.

but you don’t know it.

and he won’t say it.

he stands up to finally settle in front of you, and the way he towers over you still didn’t fail to dismantle the demons in your stomach despite the situation.

“why’d you care so much for me, hm?” he challenges you smugly, hiding the disdain he has for himself for always putting you in these situations. “come on, pretty girl. tell me why you do all this shit for me.”

a tear escapes your eye and it shakes him to the core. he is taken aback he almost forgot his lines, and for a moment when his mind went blank, he really did.

“why would you cry for someone like me?”

you stupidly and courageously meet his eye.

“don’t act like you don’t know. i have told you so many times before. i tell you all the time.”

of course, he knows that. he just wants to hear you say it again just in case he dies in his sleep tonight.

“i love you, haru. i am in love with you. that’s why. you don’t remember because you don’t want to accept it. tomorrow, you will forget that i love you. tomorrow, when you wake up, you will not know that i worry for you, night and day.”

“you’re fucking stupid,” he says. he means it. you’re stupid for daring to love someone like him. you’re stupid for setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak.

the agreement that follows doesn’t shock him.

“i know.”

sanzu haruchiyo knows about your plans. he knows all about your dreams. he knows about your dream of getting married at the beach right before the sun sets. he knows of your openness to the possibility of having children, or if not, raising corgis with your life partner. he knows, and he wants it to be with him.

but it is exactly because he knows about how passionate you are about those dreams that he cannot dare take them away from you.

he’s a criminal, a gang member, and most definitely not a husband material you could exchange vows with nor raise children with. he would make a terrible husband and a much more horrible father.

he loves you so much that he can’t risk having you compromise your plans just to fit into the shape that he is. he can’t do that to you. if he could, he would be the one to adjust but he doesn’t know how.

so, he pushes you away.

he doesn’t deserve you. his family never loved him enough, how could he ever think he could love somebody right? your love is too good, too pure, too unadulterated for his soul who has seen all the horrors of life that he could already die.

in haru’smind, you deserve to be someone who either has a phd, a jd, or an md. whatever else would work, as long as that someone has a reputable job and could provide you the life you always planned for, not someone who doesn’t even know what he would do the next day. you deserve to be with someone who knows how to raise kids or how to care for dogs, not someone who would scare any delicate being with his scars. you should be with someone that is not him—but you’re not making it any easier.

everytime you would whisper “i love you, haru” in his ears where only he could hear, snippets of a future flashes in his head. whenever you confess “i am in love with you, so much” so simply, futures of him standing on the sands of the beach, delivering his vows to you. receiving those three words from you makes him believe that he could live the life you want, because in truth, that is also what he want.

say i love you, and he will want to cross out all boxes in your bucket list with you. he wants to be a part of your plans. he wants to have your ring on his finger, your child in his arms, or your dogs on his lap. whatever the fuck you want, he wants it.

he just doesn’t think he should want it. he doesn’t think he has the right to be that selfish.

it was torturous, each step he made the night he walked away from you after you told him once again that you loved him, but he thought it was for the better because you would finally get over him.

as much as that would kill him, he would be comforted by the fact that you would be okay

on your graduation day, you complete another part of your plan, but it doesn’t feel as fulfilling you thought it would be. you think spending four grueling years in university and finishing with honors would somehow send you off in a high, but that is not the case.

you are surrounded by all the people who love you, but your eyes search for the only one who doesn’t.

your friends and family don’t understand why you love him as much as you do, but that is only because they don’t know what only you and sanzu know.

nobody else knows the midnights you stay awake due to your really bad craps and sanzu sneaking past the dormitory guard to bring you supplies.

they don’t understand because they weren’t there when sanzu ran barefoot in his panic to the alley you nervously called him to when you thought you were being followed by a sketchy guy.

no one else but sanzu was around when you got sick during finals week and couldn’t hold up on your own so he cooked your meals as best as he can, changed the wet towel on your forehead every thirty minutes, helped you dress up, reminded you of the things you tried hard to study, and dragged you to class.

your love cannot be understood by someone who didn’t see how sanzu held you when you cried over the death of the dog you grew up with and the little funeral he set up with only the two of you.

they cannot possibly make sense of the amount of affection you have for the man if they weren’t in the room where sanzu first mumbled some unclear words that sounded so closely to i love you with your name attached to it in his sleep.

you stop trying to make them understand why you want to get out of your graduation party to run to the person who wasn’t there.

as you stride towards the street where sanzu’s apartment is to come and see him on this special day, you see him as soon as you turned the corner. you were quick to spot him, but he saw you first.

with a good six meters between you, you stand staring at each other in the middle of the busy street. you look at the other’s eyes like there’s no one else around. the feeling of longing and the familiar fucking sensation of being in love with him for too long burns your throat, like flowers are growing out of your lungs but you find yourself addicted to them.

your haru also stands still to stare at you, who is all covered in a huge coat that buries your body, and the intention in your eyes gives away that you are there for him. he disappears for months and on your graduation day that he is so painfully aware of, you go to him? how stupid can you be?

why are you here? he left you so you could move on.

damn woman. you can’t move on like this. i can’t forget you like this. i can no longer let you go like this. i will want to keep you all to myself like this.

how many times does he have to push you away for you to give up on him? he has lost count already, and surely you had too. you are always on the receiving end of his rejections and yet you willingly find him wherever he is, to the ends of the earth?

he thinks he has never loved you as much as he loved you in that moment. and he thinks he will love you even more if you close the distance.

because you know he never will, you do it yourself. you take the first step to swallow the distance he so carefully placed at the expense of his own heart just to protect your future. you take the remaining steps that would make it impossible for the both of you to move on from the intensity of this love affair.

sanzu haruchiyo wants to kneel on the concrete and raise his hands in both worship and blame at the god who created you to love him as much as this.

when you stop in front of him, he is still frozen but his eyes are warm. he is slowly seeping in the warmth you have always been trying to share with him.

“what are you doing here?” he asks, but not coldly. he asks because he wants to make sure you’re real.

“i didn’t want this day to end without you. it doesn’t feel right, haru. i want you there. more than anyone.”

a pause. you can already predict what he’d ask next.

“why?”

you never get tired of answering that question.

no matter how many times he rejects you, you still believe he deserves to hear them. you always go back to him because you know he deserves the love you are trying to give him. you always seek him because you know him too much to give up.

“because i’m in love with you.”

he doesn’t laugh this time, he doesn’t roll his eyes, he doesn’t tell you you’re wrong, he doesn’t tell you that you’re stupid. he only closes his eyes and accepts your hands that cup his cheeks, bringing his hands on top of them along the process.

“you cannot say or do anything that could change it. you can curse me, push me away, and hide from me, or even not see me ever again… but i will always do.”

he sheds a tear at your words.

the next time he speaks, his voice breaks. probably at the weight of the words and of the confession he cradled in secret for years.

“i love you, y/n. so fucking much i can’t wrap my head around it. my heart… feels like it only beats for you to the point where it feels like a fuckin’ sin.”

he doesn’t let you interrupt.

“it’s so easy loving you. but you love me. that’s where it gets complicated, baby. it’s so hard, y/n. it’s hard loving me. my family told me so. my friends tell me so. everyone i meet tell me it’s so… damn… difficult to love someone like me.”

you shake your head and will him to open his eyes, and he does. you look straight into them, making sure he would see the truth you have always held for him in your pupils that could only see him.

“it’s not. it’s not hard, haru. i love you, i love you as natural as i breathe. i love you like how my heart beats and how my blood runs in my veins. it’s not hard. i do it all the time. i love you all the time.”

it is his turn to shake his head. you love him too much to even mind how complicated he really is.

you only make it look easy even when he is hard to love, but he’ll take it. in all his greed and selfishness, he’ll accept it this time.

he will spend the rest of his life filling your life with love, happiness, and adoration to atone for it.

for now, he’ll cherish the softness of your lips and etch into his memory how perfectly they fit with his at the very first time they touch.

[seichira]

will you, won’t you, be the one i’ll always know?

you always worry for sae and he always worries that he might lose you. when everything spins out of control, when his lies come crashing down on him, and when he is confronted by his fear—he has you to slow it all down.

pairing : itoshi sae x reader

content : hurt and comfort. inspired by the fray’s look after you. no manga spoilers. keeping of secrets. multiple injuries.

your boyfriend sometimes forgets that he is just human. he disregards all limitations and challenges boundaries that would have been extraordinary and great if it doesn’t worry you.

but it does—it worries you. the actions that his fans and the media label as out of this world are the same actions that inflict pain on him.

on your itoshi sae.

it broke your heart when he had to exert more effort than most at the start of his international career just to prove that he is as good as the european players. it was disheartening to see that even after he has proven that he is better than all of the midfielders in his league, he was then criticized by his own country for leaving.

welcoming him and his tired eyes home will never not tug at the chords of your heart but you do it anyway.

massaging his limbs to release tension and hearing him groan in pain will never not bring tears to your eyes but you offer it to him anyway.

embracing him to sleep and watching his face contort in fatigue will never not make you want to keep him in your arms forever but you let him go in the morning anyway.

it hurt, over and over again, yes—but you followed him to the ends of the earth. you followed him to spain because no matter how much it hurt, you knew that football made him happy. his happiness was yours, too.

you do your best to let your encouragement shine through and overshadow your worries so that it will make everything better for sae. the smile and the kiss you send him off with in the morning are nothing short of love and support.

but it doesn’t remove the fact that his career scares you. it terrifies you that one day, he’ll get hurt. your nightmares lately are composed of scenarios wherein sae gets himself hurt and there is nothing you could do to change it.

you’re worried and you’re scared, but you will wake him up anyway to start his day—because that is what you’re here for. to support him and help him live his dreams.

“sae, love?” you gently move the stray hairs away from his face and caress his arms to wake him up. “it’s time to get up.”

your boyfriend gives out a small hum of acknowledgement and he pulls you close to give you a loving kiss on the temple.

“good morning. thank you for waking me up.”

without another word, he gets up and gets ready for his morning jog. when he finally leaves for practice, all you could do was watch his car leave the driveway and pray to the heavens that sae would come home to you in a better state that the night before.

later that evening, sae comes home exhausted like always. you noticed that there was a slight limp to his walk but the next time you look, it was gone.

“everything okay?” you asked as you welcome him at the doorway. he shrugged off his coat and places a quick kiss to your forehead before walking past you.

it was complete silence from his part but you are not one to give up easily, especially not when it comes to him. “are you alright, love?”

he sits down on the sofa and wipes his face with both his hands in obvious frustration.

this makes your eyebrows furrow in concern and you immediately throw yourself on his lap, which he welcomes, and he wraps an arm around your waist.

“nothing’s wrong. just… tired.”

“are you lying to me?” you ask genuinely. “tell me the truth. what happened?”

sae hides his face in the crook of your neck and his breath tickles you but you could not care less when he’s clearly bothered about something. in return, you run your fingers through his hair in an attempt to comfort him.

“i’m not lying, baby. it was a bad day at practice and didn’t get the results i wanted. i’ll try again tomorrow so it’s not a big deal.”

you let it go and accept the truth, but what you do not know is that sae got a mild injury in his left ankle when someone had purposely toppled him over. he was worried you might see it and he did his best to conceal it.

“don’t worry about me, hm? i’m fine, but i’ll be so much better once i taste what you cooked for me tonight,” he says with a gentle smile on his face. you mirror it because how could you not?

sae gives your waist an assuring squeeze before you both stand up to go the dining room and go about your night with each other.

he knows how much you worry. he knows how much you have sacrificed to support him in his dream. he knows how much you hurt.

sae is also a man with a lot of worries, so he understands you. he lives in his head more than he lets on and he would never voice it out.

he worries he might not be good enough. he worries he made the wrong decision of leaving him. he worries that his relationship with his brother can no longer be repaired. he worries that you will wake up one day and realize this is not worth leaving him for. he worries that he will lose you.

he is worried because while he tries to manage a lot of things, the things that matter most to him are out of his control, and that haunts him wherever he goes.

sae had managed to keep himself away from more damage to keep you from unnecessary worry. he had also successfully kept his injury a secret from you—until the day you were both at the airport bound to japan.

his phone lights up with a notification from a message while he is fetching some food for you. see, it was never a big deal for the both of you to go through each other’s phones. you knew his password and he knew yours.

so, you open the message for him. much to your surprise, it us a message from sae’s physical therapist, saying: sae, your scans came back and despite recovering from your recent injury, i do not advise you to play in this weekend’s match in japan just yet.

your heart sinks to your stomach and it goes wild with all of the questions running through your brain.

“what injury?” you whisper to yourself.

the last injury sae had that you know of was in barcelona and that was over a year ago. that was the most recent one and he had been cleared to play! he recovered from it well! you were there at the doctor’s office with him in every appointment when he had that injury!

your head is throbbing with all of the stress brought by the unanswered questions in your head that only your boyfriend can answer.

as if on cue, sae arrived with your food on his hands. “baby, they didn’t have the flatbread that you asked for but i knew to get—hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

in the blink of an eye, sae is kneeling on the floor at your aid and looking up at you to search your face for answers. you raise his phone that flashes the text message.

his eyes widens in shock, or perhaps, guilt. “i-it could just be a misdirected text or something,” he tries to reason with you.

no—he tries to lie to you.

he knows it’s wrong, but god, he can’t afford to let you know about this now. not when you’re so excited to fly to japan for a game and have a taste of home after so long!

“if you lie to me one more time, sae, i don’t think i can take this anymore. just tell me the damn truth! when were you hurt?!”

your voice shakes but it is demanding. it is a result of the many years you spent waiting for him to come home to you in one peace. it is a manifestation of all your nightmares combined.

it brings sae to sit down next to you and take your hand in his, to try and make the blow as soft as possible. he looks down to your intertwined fingers, as if for courage, while you stare at his crestfallen face.

“last month. when you had asked me what was wrong, and i told you it was just a bad day. i lied. i didn’t want to hide it but—“

“but what? sae, we talked about this! that i followed you here so i could be with you every step of the way! this,” you motion between the two of you, “this is not letting me be with you in every step of the way! this is shutting me out!”

“i didn’t want you worry for me!” his tone becomes defensive but he doesn’t mean for it to come out that way.

his words are like a trigger to a bursting dam of your tears. they start to fall one after the other, and they don’t stop.

“i worry for you either way! i worry every day of my life that i feel like i will die early because of it! i take care of you because you don’t do that for yourself! i worry, and i always will! it is unfair for you to keep this from me, sae!”

the sight of your tears are enough to break his heart into a million pieces. right now, he knows he is wrong. he knows he made the wrong call. he knows he broke the promises he made to you when he had asked you to come with him.

“i’m really sorry. i thought i was doing the right thing but i know now that i wasn’t.”

“you can tell me anything. don’t ever let my worrying get in the way of that, please? it kills me that you think you should keep these things from me. i want to be there.”

you speak again when sae cannot seem to find the right words to say. “you are not playing in this weekend’s game, sae. i’m telling you.”

he is quick to shake his head in defiance. “listen to me, yeah? i promise you. i promise that i’m alright now. my therapist is just overreacting, but i’m fine. please.”

“i-i don’t know, sae…” you are now hesitant because you know how much the next game means to him. you know that he has spent his life training for games like this, a game at home, where he can show them that leaving was not a waste of efforts after all.

he holds your hand tightly before bringing it to his lips for a kiss. “i promise. i’m okay. i’m not lying this time.”

“lie to me one more time, sae… and i don’t think i have the heart to stay through this any longer.”

he wasn’t lying, he knew he was in the condition to play but he didn’t know what would happen at the game itself.

the first ultimatum that you have given him in the length of your six-year relationship kept on replaying on his mind when his legs betrayed him at the day of the game. his past injury that he had healed from suddenly came back when an opponent tackled him to the ground.

the whole stadium shouts in shock the moment the star player rolled on the grass in sheer pain, but no one there is as heartbroken as you.

no one there is as scared as sae—as he thinks, this is it. my girlfriend is going to leave me after this. my career will be over after this. my country will praise my brother and i will go down in history as a traitor. this is the end.

the stretcher brings him to the dugout and then the ambulance, and all sae could think about is your face.

his head spins as he thinks of a life without you, an unimaginable one that he could not even stomach to imagine. yet, he is forced to do so right now. because he knows that no one is stupid enough to stay in this predicament.

it hurts. it kills him because you are his everything. whenever sae loses control and everything spins around, he had you. you always knew how to slow down the world down for him.

and now, you will leave him.

but he’s wrong. he’s wrong because he will always have you, no matter how many promises he breaks.

you will always be the one he knows. you are the same person who fell in love with him in high school. you are the same person who said yes when he asked you to move with him. you are the same person who told him that you will love him forever, even when things get hard.

“sae! sae, baby… come on, look at me.”

so, the next thing sae knows, he is pulled away from his reverie and the first thing he sees as he opens his eyes is your face. the siren of the ambulance you are both in is loud, but he cannot hear anything but your voice.

“it’s okay. it’s okay. they gave you anesthesia to keep you from feeling the pain, baby. you’re going to be okay, yeah?” you say to assure him but you do not know that the thought of losing you hurt a million times more than his injured leg.

your presence is enough for him. nothing else matters, not even his broken leg. not when you’re next to him like this. he’s sure that you are more in pain and more terrified for him than him.

for the first time in forever, a tear escapes his eyes as he finally heaves a breath of relief.

“i’m sorry, baby.”

you signal for him to stop talking and you continue crying. “it’s not your fault, sae. don’t apologize to me. let’s just make sure you’re alright, please?”

he loves you so much. he loves you for being here. he loves you for staying. he loves your for understanding him. he loves you for taking care of him. he loves you for worrying about him. he loves you for silencing his demons.

he loves you.

“i am in love with you,” he whispers loud enough for you to hear. you grip his hand and kiss his head, “i am in love with you too. i will look after you, okay? i’m here.”

sae thinks, yeah. when i’m losing my control and the city spins around, you’re the only one who knows to slow it down.

lumi’s note: i recently got a report that someone has been translating my works into another language (most likely portuguese) on tiktok. i want to ask for your help in reporting them when you come across them! i do not post anywhere else nor do i translate my posts into another language. thanks, loves! <3

[seichira]

[ 12:35 ] — 20th midnight of october.

ੈ✩‧₊˚ your boyfriend comes home extremely late, after you specifically (and nicely) asked him earlier this morning not to be.

ੈ✩‧₊˚ some fluffy short scenario for rindou’s birthday!

with freezing hands caused by the intense cold winds outside, rindou haitani turns the doorknob to your shared apartment to finally get some heat in his system and cuddle up to his beautiful partner after a long day of tedious work.

the door swings open, and before he even gets to call your name like he usually does out of instinct, a huge pillow comes dashing towards him and although it completely takes him by surprise, his reflexes help him dodge the huge pillow.

“shit! what the hell?” he grumbles right before his eyes land on you, standing all alert in the middle of the living room, shooting daggers at him through your fiery eyes. not to mention one remaining pillow in your grasp that seems to be ready to be thrown at your boyfriend who should have been home before exactly thirty-five minutes ago.

he squints his eyes as if he is seeing wrong. “baby? what’s all this? why are you—” he takes a step to get to you but an especially loud yell stops him.

“don’t you dare come near me until at least one of my pillows hit you!” you fake throwing the pillow at him so he dodges again, so you say, “and don’t you even try dodging it or i swear to god, rindou haitani.”

you see, you are talking to a man who has evaded death hundreds of times. this man before you has been threatened, intimidated, and been held at gunpoint before. but he swears he has never been scared of anyone else but you.

before you came, nothing can make him stand there and just take a freaking bullet. he will do whatever it takes to save his life. but right now, as he is in front of the person he has only ever loved and the person who has got him wrapped around a finger, he closes his eyes and stands still while waiting for the hit of the throw pillow to come. and man, it did come.

he wants to laugh, though. because your threats and angry demeanor seem so bold but the throw you just aimed towards him had no bite. still, to satisfy his beloved partner, he acts pained.

“where the hell have you been?! and you have the guts to ask me what the hell, when i have been waiting for you since forever!”

still acting as if the pillow really hurt him, he slowly approaches you with a small smile on his lips that he uses when he wants to appease you.

“i’m sorry, baby. it slipped my mind and got too preoccupied in an investigation. i hurried home as soon as i remembered, though. hm?” he smirks and finally takes you in his arms.

you land a punch on his back but you do not dare break off the hug. “and you think that’s gonna make it all better, haitani? i see i have been too complacent with you, you think you can woo me easily!”

oh, he absolutely can. you talk so much but really, you love him just as much as he loves you. yes, he may give in to all of your whims, but you also cannot resist him to save your life.

“i’m sorry, my love,” he whispers and kisses your temple. “i’m here now, am i not? you really miss me that much? wanted me to come home early?”

you separate from him for a bit to face him eye-to-eye. “it’s because i didn’t want anyone to beat me to it. i wanted to greet you first but i guess ran already did, huh—”

rindou stops you with an, “oh.”

“oh,” you say right after. “you forgot?”

he nods like a clueless child, “totally had no idea it was even coming up, baby. ran is overseas so he hasn’t got the chance to bother me with it.”

all his life, he only ever celebrated his birthdays with ran. and he can’t even call it a celebration. his brother would just greet him casually and dap him up, then he will wake up to a cupcake with a candle on it. he doesn’t think he will ever get used to being loved by anybody else apart from his brother.

but here you are, looking up at him, giggling.

“does this mean i get to greet you first?”

he nods, “the privilege is all yours.”

you tiptoe and his arms are quick to wrap around your waist to help you up to place a kiss on his lips, a deep and loving one that officially demotes ran’s birthday cupcakes into second place. your kiss takes the throne of the best birthday present ever.

“happy birthday, rin. i love you.”

just when rindou haitani thinks he could not love you any more than he already does, you prove him wrong.

[seichira]

[ 12:00 ] — early birthday presents

ੈ✩‧₊˚ it’s the first of october and you just can’t wait to greet your boyfriend a happy birthday, which isn’t supposed to be for another three weeks.

ੈ✩‧₊˚ hanma shuji fluff!

your dainty little fingers poke hanma shuji’s waist as soon as the clock hit midnight and your digital calendar by the bedside displays today’s date.

october first. it calls for a celebration in your book of things to do for hanma shuji to show your love.

“wakey wakey, baby,” you say in a sing-song voice but that doesn’t seem to be enough to wake up your heavy sleeper of a boyfriend. “wake up, shuji.”

your boyfriend lets out a low groan of complaint, which you shrug of since it’s better than nothing. you continue poking him until it turns into soft and playful tickles that travel from his side to his arms.

“wake up! you have to wake up!”

“damn it, doll. a man needs to get some sleep,” he growls, but you only smile because you know he has no choice but pay attention now.

“pretty please?”

“no.”

“shuji,” you fake a sob. “wake up!”

his eyes flutters open to be welcomed by your enthusiastic ones, and hanma thinks you better be thankful that you are too pretty for him to be mad at you for waking him up.

damn, he swears he’s grumpy but there is already a growing smile on his face because he can’t help but mirror your expressions when you’re this close to him he can feel your breath on his skin.

“so? hm? what’s the big reason for you to tickle me away from my beauty sleep? let’s hear it, it better be worth it, baby doll.”

you beam at him with a huge smile that doesn’t always necessarily mean trouble, but most of the time, it is the smile of someone who is up to no good, or someone who is just too in love with hanma shuji.

“happy birthday, my shuji…” you whisper softly, which you follow with peppering kisses all over his face but missing his lips on purpose.

“it’s not my birthday.”

you chuckle when hanma pretends he doesn’t understand why you’re doing this, but by the way his hands crawled to pull you in closer by your waist is telling you something else.

“well, it’s your birth month and i wanted to celebrate by greeting you. wanted to show you how grateful i am that you’re here.”

he frowns, but he doesn’t mean to. he just can’t wrap his head around how you love him. you met him when he was on the run as a fugitive, you fell in love with him even after he confessed every crime he has ever done, and you stayed with him when he was wishing he wasn’t alive.

now, he can’t bring himself to hate this life.

not when he can hold you this close. not when he has too much to love and protect. fuck his gang, fuck his abusive parents, fuck everything—he has you.

“this was what you’re waitin’ for, huh? that’s why you won’t go to sleep even when i’ve heard you yawn for a thousand times already,” he lazily says.

you nod eagerly, “of course! i won’t miss it for the world! we have to celebrate every day, shuji!”

“damn, woman. if you want to greet me that much, at least give my lonely lips a kiss.”

hanma shuji doesn’t wait to claim his gift. he leans to kiss you on your lips. he starts by placing three shallow kisses until he decides it’s not enough, so he pulls you in deeper by holding your face like it’s the most delicate thing in the world, and he kisses you deeply. hoping it’s enough to let you know that he is much grateful for you, even if you wake him up in the wee hours of the night.

“i love you, brat,” he adds after the sincerest kiss you have ever shared for good measure.

[seichira]

his punishment, your demise.

wherein hanma shuji loses the only person he has ever loved, despite all attempts to protect you from his world—a world of pain and death.

pairing: kmg!hanma x reader

warnings: heavy angst. death, profanity, blood, violence, knives, guns, kidnapping, gang fights, and a very heartbroken shuji.

hanma shuji was no romantic man, but he was your man. he promised you the world, the stars, even the damn planets if you ask, and his entire future.

his love is too real, too true, and too sincere that you could almost hold it in your hands as he entrusted all that he is to you.

“i am all yours, for as long as you’d let me stay by your side,” he said that one october night when you bared your most naked feelings and thoughts to one another.

you can recall believing him, even taking reassurance from what he said. it made you sure that you will never lose him, because you will always—without a doubt—let him stay by your side because that is where you need him.

because as much as he was yours, you were also his. body and soul, and whatever else there is to offer.

oh, and another thing about hanma shuji, is that he is breaking up with you.

“i want to know why!” you almost can’t recognize your own voice from its strain. “you can’t barge in here this late in the night and decide that you don’t want to be with me anymore without a damn reason, shuji!”

there is no effort coming from your end in wiping the tears that filled your eyes, compromising the view you have of shuji who is sitting down on the couch with his hands clasped together against his face, avoiding your eyes.

“i just don’t wanna fucking do this anymore!” he shouts. “that should be enough reason to let me go! i don’t want this any longer!”

your sobs get caught in your throat, and your hand flies to your lips to stop the broken wails from coming out.

“y-you don’t want me anymore?”

the answer didn’t come nor did the love of your life move a single inch. it made you hope. that maybe he’s just confused. maybe he wants you. maybe he’s high off of something sanzu made him take even though he promised not to do that anymore—you’ll forgive him for it right now if you have to!

“shuji. shuji, you don’t mean it, right?“

a faint noise is heard when your knees hit the tiled floor of your apartment. when shuji raises his head to look, his eyes widens to see you kneeling in front of him with pleading and desperate eyes.

“what do you not understand?! it’s fuckin’ clear! they say you’re smart and all that with your damn straight As, right? why can’t you catch a clue that i don’t wanna be here!”

“but you said—you said you love me, shuji!”

he didn’t give you a chance to touch him. he stood up without a warning, making you lose your balance and falling on the floor. it was just a split second but you saw him stop himself from helping you.

what you don’t know is that it took everything in him not to come to your aid and take you into his arms to comfort you. he won’t tell you that now. maybe not ever.

“d-did i do something wrong? i know that i get clumsy and i make mistakes sometimes and if i did, i’m sorry!”

shuji can feel his entire body aching from head to toe, his skin screaming at him not to do this because it knows how much it will crave you for years after this night. but he knows what he has to do, and it involves breaking your heart.

because at the height of the era of gangs in japan, he found himself at the highest ranks of kanto manji gang. and the rival tokyo manji gang is out to kill him and the people he loves—but the only person he has ever loved is you.

like nothing happened, you pull yourself up from the floor to face him as best as you can because he is so adamant on avoiding your eyes.

“is there something wrong with me? you d-don’t find me pretty anymore? did i… change? i was stressed lately and i know it might have affected my appearance—“

“it’s not that, y/n! shit!” he curses without inhibition in the frustration that he cannot tell you anything, that he has to break your heart like this, that he has to leave you asking why.

“then what is it?!”

“i just don’t—“

you cut him off. “want this anymore! that is bullshit and you know that, shuji! we are better than this! i know that this isn’t right!”

time is running out. his enemies can find out where he is right this very moment and piece things out together, and they will figure out that in order to truly kill the reaper, they have to get rid of you first. he can’t have that.

“or…” you trail off at the last remaining possible reason in your mind, and the way the light left your once sparkling eyes didn’t go unnoticed by him. “you don’t love me anymore?”

fuck. he thinks. that will never fucking happen. he knows that in life, you will be the person whom his heart will beat for. even in death, his soul will always be in love you.

“if you don’t love me anymore… if you fell out of love with me… then i guess i can’t do anything about it.

“y/n—“ he was about to repeat his sorry of an excuse, the stupid excuse that he simply doesn’t want this relationship anymore. he knows it’s stupid, but at least it’s not him telling you the greatest lie of all—that he doesn’t love you anymore.

“just fucking say it, shuji!” you screamed. “look at me in the eye and tell me that you don’t love me anymore, and i’ll let you go!”

hanma shuji takes a step forward, leans in to level with your eyes, and like a heartless and soulless man says, “i don’t love you anymore.”

just like that, he walks out of your apartment and your life, something you have never imagined before.

the second the door closes behind him, the tears he was holding back came crashing on to him like a broken dam. he walked and walked and walked aimlessly, cursing himself to the depths of hell.

while he can’t regret you, he sure wishes that for your sake, he should’ve just contained himself from wishing to be close to you. he shouldn’t have let you fall for him so deeply. maybe you wouldn’t hurt this much.

with sin and punishment, his hands, he threw all the objects he could find in their hideout. sin and punishment. you are as clean as a saint, with no traces of sin. yet, he had to punish you in such a cruel, heartbreaking way.

what was he thinking? he’s one of the dangerous men that graced this earth! how could he think that an angel like you could live a normal, happy life with him?! outrageous! his selfishness is outrageous!

meanwhile, you grieve hanma shuji like he died. he is good as dead anyway, knowing that there is not a chance he would ever show himself to you ever again. you had no idea that he would be the one to actually grieve you.

a week after he broke up with you, the battle between the two tomans breaks out. a week after he broke up with you, two men kidnapped you from the comfort of your own home, and took you the site where the rest of them were.

to kill you right in front of him.

“hanma shuji!” the man holding you announces, momentarily halting the ocean of punches and kicks being thrown below you. they all looked up at you, being held at the top of the container van with a cloth on your mouth and blindfold on your eyes.

you are terrified. every inch of your body is trembling from the fear of being in another man’s hold, of being in this situation. but the mere mention of hanma shuji’s name is enough to make you relieved.

he’s here. your shuji is here.

but god, if you were terrified, shuji was already dying from the inside out. he thinks he could vomit all of his insides out of the unleveled fear of seeing you like that.

how did they get to you? he was so sure you were out of everyone’s eyes and ears! he protected you all this time! he has men tailing you to make sure no one would harm you! how could this fucking happen?!

“y/n!” he screamed your name before carelessly clearing the path in front of him.

for the first time in his life, he is afraid.

“fuckers! you gotta fuckin’ problem with me, you face me! cowards! she has got nothing to do with this!”

“well, well—you never played nice, reaper. why would i?” the man taunted, but everyone can see how he starts to trace your skin with the cold, sharp knife. you felt it, too.

in the middle of his trail to reach you, he is stopped by the captains of the tokyo manji gang.

you are scared for him, so you struggled. the toman captain holding you was kind enough to remove your gag. shuji curses out loud when he hears you call his name, “shuji! you can’t go here! he has a knife! he will hurt you!”

you think he cares about that?!

he is on the verge of breaking down. he knows you could die here. he knows what these men are capable of. men like him.

“i’ll get to you, i promise!” he shouts, trying to ease your worries in the midst of his own storm going on inside this head.

“no! you can’t! you will get hurt!”

he starts fighting off everyone, and normally, he couldn’t do it alone but maybe it’s the adrenaline and the sheer fear of losing you that enables him to knock them unconscious.

“shit! why the fuck does he have to climb that fucking high of the container vans?!” sanzu remarks.

the rest of kanto manji gang is holding off everyone else, as they also tried to reach you. if only you don’t have a blindfold, you’d see kakucho, ran, rindou, and sanzu killing everyone on sight to get to you as fast as they can—but not as fast as your lover.

however, the thing about his world is that there are no cliches, no promises of happy endings, and definitely no mercy. he can’t expect the enemy to play nice, to buy him time, because he never did the same for others.

an eye for an eye.

“say goodbye to your sweet lil angel, hanma!”

with that, a knife cuts through your side, and a bullet from another enemy from behind penetrates your chest.

a deafening silence follows, a precursor to hanma shuji’s scream of your name, a sound that would later haunt the people present that night both in their sleep and in their waking moments.

fate is cruel, because just a few seconds after you dropped down, he reaches you. if he had arrived a few seconds earlier, it is clear to everyone that he could have saved you.

but this is hanma shuji’s world.

“y/n! y/n!” at this point, he is full on sobbing and calling for your name with a broken voice. “call an ambulance, damn it!” he orders.

“baby? baby…” he taps your cheeks. “we’ll get you to the hospital, alright? it’s okay. it will be okay. i promise you. i’m here, see? i’m here.”

nobody cared that the kanto manji captains have killed the person who did it to you. nobody looked at anything or anyone else but the scenario unfolding in front of them.

everyone can only watch the man hold you in his arms to cradle you. they can only stand around and witness hanma shuji lose the love of his life, a person who is never meant to die like this, but does anyway because she fell in love.

“s-shuji…” your face is wet with tears, but they aren’t your tears. you raised your hand with the last remaining energy you have left as life slowly slipped away from you, holding his face on the palm of your hand.

your whole world in your hand.

“ssh.. sshh.. baby, it’s okay, yeah? don’t talk. save your energy. we’ll talk later, okay?”

his eyes are unfocused and he is trembling, but you badly need him to accept that if you two are to talk, you have to do it now.

“i-i… love you… shuji…” your voice is failing you but you have to say it, or else he will never forgive himself for today. because despite everything he told you the night you broke up, you know that he will always care for you whether he liked it or not.

“shuji… i have no regrets… d-don’t regret you. thank you f-for loving me before—“

“i love you. i love you. y/n, i will always love you, so please! don’t fuckin’ give up on me now, dammit!”

and you little shit had the guts to smile in this situation, “you l-love me… i’m so relieved… because i will always… love…”

you never finished the sentence.

“a-angel… c’mon. wait a bit more, baby. the ambulance is on its way. you can’t give up on me now. can’t leave me now. still gotta give you that home library you want!”

“baby, you can’t do this to me.” he’s still going on and on, trying to wake you up, trying to pretend that he is not bathing in your blood.

you’re not moving. you’re not telling him to calm down. you’re not assuring him that it is going to be fine. you’re not telling him you love him.

hanma shuji dropped his lips to rest on your forehead to kiss it over and over again.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

everyone stopped and bowed their heads, because they respect you—a victim of a life of blood and death. but also because all of them knows how it is like to find salvation in love, despite being stuck in this life.

but how about hanma shuji?

is this the price he has to pay for all his sins? the gods must be so cruel. if so, he prefers the idea of hell, than to live this life without you.

a/n: it hurt my soul writing this as if their lives aren’t literally in my hands. anyway, likes and reblogs are appreciated!

[seichira]

we’ve been fighting for miles.

you’re in the car with baji keisuke, and the road is getting blurry as your vision is replaced by tears. the ride feels lonely despite not being alone, and baji wonders if he’ll lose you at the end of this long road.

pairing : baji keisuke x reader

genre : angst

inspired by : we’ve been fighting for miles by new west

“i need you to understand, baby. i’m only doing this because i have to protect my friends. it’s not like i’m doing this for myself—” baji tries to reach for your hand but you shoo away all his attempts to do so.

you stare straight ahead on the road, but baji can’t concentrate knowing that you are giving him the stone cold treatment that sends chills down his spine in an undesirable way. he wishes he could pull over but he figures that’s not the best thing to do after you told him ten times not to do exactly that.

at the start of this journey on the way home, he told you about his dangerous plans and he asked you on how you feel about them. naturally, you are horrified and worried about their implications.

“that’s the problem, keisuke. it’s like you’re not hearing me! you’re doing all this for them and what do you get in return? i’d rather you do things selfishly than throw away your life like this!”

“they are good friends to me, y/n. stop talking like i’m doing this for nothing. i’m doing this because when i had nothing, they were there. i can’t turn my back on them like this!”

it stings a little that he talks about them like that, like they were the only ones there when he had nothing. no one is keeping tabs, not even you, but you are more than sure that you have been in his life long enough to at least get some credit that could give you an opinion on his life.

“at the expense of your own safety?”

“if i have to, yes!”

your jaw drops in utter disbelief. “that’s stupid! noble, but stupid!”

“i don’t know what to do, then!” he says, frustrated. his mannerism leads him to comb his hair to the back, in sync with his deep sigh.

he looks defeated because he finds himself at a crossroad between his love for you and his love for toman. you believe that it is time for him to start thinking about himself and save himself from the possible pain of his decisions in trying to salvage the gang, but he thinks sacrificing himself is the best course of action.

for what seems to be the thousandth time, your boyfriend reaches for your hand once again, only to fail. the red light prompts him to shift gears and he finally has a few seconds to really look at you and not just give out glances. you find yourself cornered when he turns to face you completely.

“baby, i don’t know what else to do. i know you mean well, but this is what i know is right. this is what i should do. infiltrate valhalla, and find out if all my hunches are right so i can protect my friends.”

your shoulders drop in disappointment, and that doesn’t go unnoticed by him. it shatters him to his very core to see you hurting like this, that you even have to talk about such things than to just lead a normal life without all the gangster bullshit.

with a small voice, you answer, “i don’t get the point why you had to ask me if i’m on board if you have already decided to do it. do whatever you want.”

it takes him by surprise that you let him do what he wants to do, but somehow, the way you say it is even worse. it is torture, he thinks. he’d rather take a beating than to endure this treatment from you.

“green light, kei.”

he frantically looks back to the front to continue driving, but he can feel himself choking up at the situation before him and the heavy atmosphere embracing the two of you.

this time, your body faces the window to your right, completely shutting out all his advances to at least have some contact with you. by this time, you start weeping at the heartbreaking conversation.

baji tries talking, but his voice gets caught in his throat and it breaks in the process. “w-what do you mean i can do whatever i want?”

you sniff, and that is enough for him to know that you are crying. it is like a trigger to his own tears, too, and his eyes start to become blurry. he holds back his tears because he is still driving, after all, and your life is still in his hands within this vehicle.

“i mean it exactly as i said it. you have already decided to go on to this suicide mission. for your friends. s-s, do it.”

“and you’re okay with it?” he treads lightly.

“no. i don’t think i’ll ever be okay with it, but i’m removing myself from the narrative because i can’t do it anymore.”

a crashing wave of fear washes over him, and although it’s unclear, he understands what you are trying to say. he slows the car down, trying to find a place where he can pull over, but you stop him.

“can’t do what anymore?”

“this. us. it’s… it’s too much to be love. i can’t continue on like this, staying up all night wondering if you’ll come back home to me in one piece.”

he is growing more frustrated and terrified at the thought of losing you. “y/n, you know that i’m trying my best to come home to you. i never failed. you know that!”

“until when, baji?”

his name comes out of your lips like poision. it’s not an endearment, not keisuke, not kei. just.. baji.

“until when until you don’t come home?” you finally look at him, revealing your bloodshot eyes and wet cheeks. “you have to let me go. stop doing this to me. i understand now that there are a lot of things that you can do for your friends but not for me—”

“that’s not fair,” he argues, but the stubbornness in his voice is nullified by the equally red eyes he has and the shaking of his hands on the steering wheel.

you nod. “i know. it’s not.”

“baby…”

“from now on, you can do what you want. you don’t have to worry about me anymore. i will no longer wait for you, so you can stay out as late as you want. you can go wild as long as you want. i’m done stopping you from doing all the things that you want to do.”

he doesn’t know what to say. you have been fighting for what feels like forever, and he is starting to feel the undeniable distance that has been growing between the two of you that he was too stupid to realize until now. he can’t do anything about it anymore. he can’t change anything.

“take me to my parent’s house,” you demand. “i’ll come back to our place tomorrow to grab my stuff.”

baji just sits there and drives, while letting the tears fall freely. he understands why you’re doing this and he knows it is all his fault.

he parks the car in front of your gated childhood home, a literal mansion that you willingly left behind to live with him in a humble apartment that wasn’t much, but you turned it into a home.

“can i change your mind?” he tries.

you shake your head and removed your seatbelt so you can scoot closer to him. “don’t try because you probably can. but kei, i’m really… exhausted.”

he pulls you in for the tightest embrace he has ever given you, and you almost do not want to let go.

“i’m sorry,” is all he can say because right now, he is all set on throwing everything away for his friends. right now, the possibility of hurting you is much higher than taking care of you.

he doesn’t know if he’ll come out of this mission alive, and he doesn’t want you to wait in your shared apartment for news of his death.

so, he lets you go.

“i’ll come and get you after all this shit, yeah?”

you nod, “you can do whatever you want… but please try to avoid getting hurt. just that. please. i beg you.”

that was the last time you ever saw him. when you heard of his death, you weren’t alone in your shared apartment—you were in your childhood home, wishing you never let him drive away that day.

a/n: this was supposed to be angst with comfort at the end, it was already typed in the content part, but my fingertips have a mind of their own! anyway… ouch?

[seichira]

[ 5:23 am ] — kiss my tears away

kakucho doesn’t believe in god, but if he had to pray for something, it would be to not give you any more reasons to cry. because if he believes in anything, it’s that he doesn’t deserve you, and the least he could do is keep you away from any harm that his life as bonten’s number three could bring.

content: angst and comfort

masterlist.

kakucho slowly opens the door to the bedroom your shared apartment, expecting you to be deep in slumber at this ungodly hour.

after a day of work—which also translates to a day of dealing with insufferable bonten executives, tracking enemies to get rid of them, and keeping away from drugs—he was so ready to wash off the remnants of the day with a brisk shower and cuddle you to sleep in the little time he has left before he has to get back up again.

it was an exhausting job. there are times when he thinks about that what ifs. what if he was born privileged, went to a university, and landed a decent and stable job?

if that was so, would he have provided you a better life? sure, you have all the luxury you need—but the better life he’s talking about is a life where his pretty little wife doesn’t have to worry about losing him.

there is no point thinking about it, he decides. you loved him like this. he showed you everything he was, all his secrets, all the darkness he cradled in his soul—everything. yet, you chose to love him.

thinking about that now makes him want to have you in his arms immediately. he knows nothing he does or gives will ever be enough to thank you for saving him, for loving him, but god… he tries.

your husband inanimately freezes as soon as he heard your soft sobs in the midst of the dark lit room, with only the lamp illuminating the bed you were on.

he knows those silent wails. he is much too familiar with the sound that only you could make, that could make bonten’s number three crumble into ashes at the heartbreak of hearing his beloved cry. he fucking hates it.

“baby?” he whispered so as to not startle you.

you turned your head to look at him faster than four o’clock, and you ran up to him in order to engulf him in an embrace. he didn’t miss the way you let out a huge breath of relief.

“kaku!”

“hey, hey-“ his mind was in a frenzy and he helplessly searched his brain for words. “what’s wrong, angel? why are you up this late? you know it’s not good for you—“

“w-where have you been?”

your breathing was ragged and your cheeks were damp with all the tears you have been shedding since 1 a.m. when you realized your husband wasn’t home and there were no messages to assure you that he was alright.

“did something happen at work? did you… did you do something that could get you in danger? is—is that blood? yours? are you hurt?”

then, he understood what this was all about. he fought the urge to grab a knife and slide it down his throat in too much remorse and hatred for himself for being the reason behind your tears.

“i… i had to clean up a mess that sanzu made,” he explained when all he wanted to do was cry with you. cry because this life was much too good for him and he didn’t deserve it. didn’t deserve you.

you wouldn’t let go of him. instead, you tightened your embrace around your husband’s huge frame. he proceeded to pick you up and walk you to the bed, where he then sat down and kept you on his lap.

at the mixture of relief you now felt and the remaining grief you almost had a while ago at the thought of kakucho being in danger, your tears never faltered from escaping your eyes.

his thumbs carefully caressed your cheeks in an attempt to wipe the tears that you shed only for him. when that failed, he kissed your eyes, hoping that he could kiss away the emotional wounds and scars that his lifestyle has inflicted on you.

“i’m sorry. i’m sorry, angel. i should’ve told you i’d come home late.” kakucho says like a prayer, “wouldn’t ever leave you alone, baby. would always come home to you. y’know that.”

he only realized that he started shedding his own tears as soon as you wiped them off his cheeks. his instinct was to lean on your palm and feel your care, your love, and he no longer cares if he deserves it or not.

“always… always stay safe, you hear me?”

“yeah, i do, angel. i promise you.”

kakucho doesn’t believe in god. he doesn’t remember the last time he prayed.

but in this moment, he finds himself calling all the gods and goddesses, all the angels and saints, and asking them to keep him safe if that was the only thing that could end your tears once and for all.