all of my past i tried to erase it
part 3 of family line
tensions are still high between Ingrid and her sister. Mapi tries to keep the peace. SolstrĂĽle tries to pretend she's fine. Ingrid tries to pretend she isn't going insane not understanding what is going on.
cw: mentions of poor mental health / panic attacks. ingrid is pretty worried about solstrĂĽle and whether or not she is safe.
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It wasnât really anyoneâs fault. Mapi bringing her parents to the match shouldnât have gotten to you the way it did. You didnât really have an explanation for it, either. You saw Ingrid talking to Mapiâs mom and it felt like everything that had gotten marginally better in the last few days had miraculously disappeared.Â
You were 8 again, sitting in the office at school, fielding pitying looks from the office ladies. Both of your parents were busy watching one of Ingridâs matches; at just 16, she was playing for Rosenborg. Your mom was supposed to bring you to watch, too. Sheâd forgotten.Â
You were 10 again, lying to the school nurse that your parents hadnât known youâd hurt your hand. She said it looked broken, and you pretended that you hadnât asked your mom to take you to the doctor the night before. You pretended your mom hadnât told you to stop faking injuries when the attention wasnât on you for one minute.Â
You were 13 again, sobbing into your pillow, while everyone celebrated just down the hall. Ingrid was leaving to play in Lillestrøm. 5 hours away. She was leaving you behind.Â
You were 16, having just been dumped by your first girlfriend. Youâd come home in tears, and when you told your dad what was wrong, he told you it was for the best, that a girlfriend was just a distraction. He warned you not to bother your sister with this, because she was busy with much more important things in Barcelona.Â
You were 17, so drunk you could barely speak, walking home on a dark road in the middle of the night because neither of your parents had answered the phone to come and get you from the horrific party you already regretted attending. It was dark, a windy road you were walking along, and if a car came, you werenât sure your reflexes would be quick enough. You were 17, stumbling over the smooth pavement, the depression youâd been trying to drown in alcohol making a reappearance. You were 17, thinking that maybe it wouldnât be so bad if it all ended there, just like this.Â
You were 17, standing in the airport with your parents, preparing to board the plane to Spain. You leaned in towards your mother for a hug. She avoided it, pinching your cheek lightly, and reminding your father that they had a dinner reservation to get to. You watched them walk out of the airport from your place in the security line. Your vision was blurred with tears, but you still could tell that they didnât look back at you once. You were 17, and your mom hadnât told you she loved you before you moved across the continent.Â
In a second, all of these memories that youâd fought so hard to keep locked away deep inside your head were flooding out. Tears were pricking your eyes, and you cursed yourself for being so stupid. Ingrid didnât care. Mapi didnât care. You werenât worth caring about. How had you forgotten that? How had you let yourself forget that, after everything?Â
Ingrid didnât see your expression change, too busy thanking Mapiâs parents profusely for coming to see her play. Mapi did, though. She watched as you caught sight of your sister talking to her mom, and she watched as you flinched like someone had swung at you. She watched as you slipped out of the crowd, speed walking into the building. Mapi was torn in 2 directions, Ingrid on one side, and you running off the other way. You needed Ingrid, most definitely but Mapi didnât like the look on your face as you ran off, like all of the emotion had been sucked out of you, and all that was left was exhaustion.Â
Someone else had noticed your disappearing act, though. Caro stood, staring after you, before her gaze fell to Mapi, raising an eyebrow. The defender nodded, and Caro followed after you, while Mapi turned to her girlfriend. She pulled her away from her parents with an apologetic smile, appreciating that Alexia walked over and picked up the conversation where it had left off.Â
âIngrid, vamos,â Mapi whispered urgently. Ingrid looked at her, confused and unmoving.Â
âWhat? I was in the middle of a conversation, MarĂa,â the Norwegian scolded.Â
âI know, itâs your SolstrĂĽle, though, sheâs upset, come on,â Mapi insisted, pulling on Ingridâs hand, who finally seemed to feel a sense of urgency, and let Mapi lead her into the building.Â
âUpset? Why? Did something happen?âÂ
âShe saw you with my mom and just looked really upset.â Mapi explained. A bit of understanding washed over Ingridâs face, and now she was the one leading her girlfriend, rushing down the hall and beginning to open door after door in search of you.Â
Caro, meanwhile, had found you pretty easily. You were on the floor of a room she often came to when she was overwhelmed, although that happened much less these days. You knew Caro, obviously, and she knew you, had known you since you were pretty young. She had a calming presence, and the minute she sat next to you, and extended her hand in your direction, you took it gratefully.Â
âMapi is bringing Ingrid.â She told you, but didnât say anything else. She just sat next to your trembling form and held your hand. It was enough for now, enough until your sister arrived.Â
And when Ingrid did arrive, it was with a loud bang as she threw the door open, sighing in relief at the sight of you. Though, that relief quickly dissolved back into worry at the state you were in. She quickly took Caroâs place at your side, hesitantly wrapping an arm around your shoulders. Your sister was surprised when you turned and threw your arms around her neck, crying silently into her shirt.Â
âJeg har deg, kjĂŚre. Det er greit, du er ok.â She murmured, looking worriedly at the other two women hovering in the doorway of the room. Mapi nodded at her encouragingly, and Ingrid refocused, rubbing a hand slowly up and down your back.Â
âThank you,â Mapi muttered to Caro, as they both stepped into the hall to give you some space.Â
âOf course.â Caro said easily. âShe having a hard time?âÂ
âWhich one?â Mapi asked wryly. âYes. Itâs⌠itâs a work in progress.âÂ
âSheâs a good kid.â Caro noted, Mapi nodding her head in agreement. âWell, Marta and I are around if either of you need anything.âÂ
âThank you, Caro. Really.â Mapi said, squeezing the forwardâs shoulder. Caro just shrugged like it was no big deal, and headed back out to the pitch. When Mapi reentered the room, you were tucked perfectly into Ingridâs lap, although you seemed to have calmed down some. Ingrid was speaking to you in hushed Norwegian, and something she said had you lurching away from her and to your feet, stumbling blindly to the door.Â
âSolstrĂĽle, wait,â Ingrid called, not really sure what she said to upset you, but well aware that it had been something. You fell right into Mapiâs arms, and though she looked a little startled, she easily pulled you close.Â
âOkay, itâs alright. Weâre all okay.â She murmured, noticing the rather heartbroken expression on her girlfriendâs face at the fact that you had fled from her right into Mapiâs arms. After a few minutes, you said something quietly that neither girl could hear. âWhat was that, nena?â
âCan we go ho- back to the house?â You asked, correcting yourself quickly, and pulling away from the comforting embrace Mapi had you in. Ingrid felt like youâd stabbed her, honestly, when you didnât let yourself call it home. You were stoic again, though, your face void of emotion, wiping roughly at your cheeks to rid them of tears.Â
âKjĂŚre,â Ingrid said, hating the way you forced all evidence of your breakdown away. Youâd been so upset, about something, but now you were acting as though nothing had happened. Your sister would have climbed into your brain if she couldâve, just to understand what was going on in there.Â
âLetâs go home.â Mapi said easily, shooting her girlfriend a meaningful look. Ingrid wasnât supposed to push you, she knew that. It was just getting harder and harder to not do so, especially when she could see how much pain you were in. She couldn't understand why you wouldnât just talk to her, and you couldnât understand why she was so concerned or why she was so desperate to hear what you were feeling. And considering it was the two of you, the situation was bound to blow up into an argument. It was just a matter of time.Â
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Ingrid knew what was coming before her phone rang, but she still desperately wanted to avoid it. She was quite comfortable at the moment, curled up on top of Mapi in their bed, a show playing softly in the background. Mapi was scratching lightly at Ingridâs scalp with one hand, and tracing lines over her back with the other. The movements made Ingridâs entire body relax, which had definitely been Mapiâs goal, but it was all interrupted when her phone went off from next to her.Â
She sat up off her girlfriend, glancing at the screen, her expression hardening.Â
âYour mom?â Mapi guessed, pulling Ingrid back down into her when the Norwegian declined the call.Â
âYes.â
âYou havenât talked to her since SolstrĂĽleâs letter, have you?âÂ
âNo.â Ingrid said. âI think I hate her right now.âÂ
Mapi was surprised, only because Ingrid didnât hate anyone. If there was going to be a person, though, it would be someone who had hurt you. Because Ingrid didnât like to kill spiders she found in the house, but Mapi knew she would kill a person for you without a second thought. âThatâs okay. You can hate her.âÂ
âI miss her.â Ingrid admitted after another minute, her voice cracking. Her forehead was scrunched with sadness, and her hands gripped Mapiâs shirt tight in her hands.Â
Mapi sighed, wishing she could take Ingridâs pain away. And yours too, for that matter. âYou can miss her too. You can feel whatever you need to feel.âÂ
âNo, I canât, not when SolstrĂĽle is so upset,âÂ
âHow your sister feels does not limit how you feel. You can be hurt, and sad, and frustrated too. It doesnât take away from pequeĂąaâs feelings. Just like her feelings donât take away from yours. You are both upset. Thatâs alright.â Mapi said confidently. âThis isnât just happening to your sister. Itâs happening to you, too, and you can be sad, mi amor. You can cry.âÂ
Ingrid hadnât even known sheâd been about to cry until Mapi said that, but suddenly there were tears running down her face, and she was clutching tightly to the Spaniard underneath her, who did not seem surprised at all at the sudden emotion.Â
âI know, baby.â Mapi husked, pressing kiss after kiss to the top of Ingridâs head. She knew Ingrid needed this, and was content to let her cry it out until she heard a sharp breath from the doorway. You were standing just outside the room, frozen and horrified.Â
âIâm sorry, Ing,â you mumbled, having come in to say goodnight, rather stunned to see your sister so distraught.Â
Ingrid could only cry harder, now furious with herself for letting you see this, but too upset to do anything but squeeze Mapiâs hand, wordlessly begging for her to do something.Â
âVen aqui, nena, itâs alright.â Mapi said, gesturing you over to the bed. You looked skeptical, but you did so anyway, carefully sitting on the bed next to your sister.Â
âIâm really sorry, Ingrid, I donât mean to stress you out.â You whispered. You were in a guilty mood, it seemed, not an angry one, and Ingrid felt that somehow, she preferred when you were angry to this.Â
âDonât apologize, pequeĂąa. You havenât done anything wrong. Ingrid is upset, and youâre upset. Itâs okay to be upset, and itâs okay to cry.â Sometimes, Mapi felt like she was teaching preschoolers how to identify and express their emotions when she talked to the both of you, though that might be an easier task.
âIâm not upset with you, SolstrĂĽle, I am upset with mom, and I am upset with myself. You donât need to say sorry. Not for having a panic attack, for having a hard time, for any of it.â Ingrid managed then, taking your hand in hers.Â
âIâm doing my best.â You said. âI know Iâm not making it easy, but I promise Iâm trying.âÂ
âWe know you are. Youâre doing so well, nena.â Mapi said enthusiastically, with so much excitement at you saying something remotely positive about yourself that you and Ingrid both cracked smiles.Â
âDo you want to talk about it?â Ingrid asked after a minute. At that, you withdrew, pulling your hand from Ingridâs and rising from the bed. Both your sister and her girlfriend repressed sighs at your sudden withdrawal.Â
âNo, Iâm really tired. I came to say goodnight. Iâll see you guys in the morning.â You rushed out, before bolting out of the room at a speed that could barely be considered a walk.Â
Ingrid sighed once you were out of earshot, settling back into Mapi. âSheâs so difficult.â
âSheâs stubborn. Like her sister. Sheâll come around, just give her time.â Mapi assured her.Â
Giving you time, though, was a lot harder than it seemed.Â
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Your whole life, you had been encouraged by your parents to be smaller, to take up less space. If you were upset, you should keep it to yourself. If you were angry, you should calm down. You were taught that your needs always came second to everyone elseâs. You didnât like to be vulnerable with people, and you didnât like to put your emotions on others.Â
So when you woke up the next day, it was the feeling of intense shame swirling around inside of you. Youâd ruined what was an impressive win for your sister, and a nice moment with Mapiâs parents. Youâd upset Ingrid, so much so that she had cried about it.Â
Too much. You were being too much.Â
You resolved yourself to be happy today. If not happy, content. Mapi and Ingrid probably needed a day off from your ridiculous, all over the place, emotions. So today, you wouldnât feel. Youâd be perfect, youâd be small, and youâd cause as little trouble as possible.Â
What you didnât expect, though, was for that to be the opposite of what Mapi and Ingrid wanted from you. They didnât care if you took up space. They just wanted you to talk. More than anything, they just wanted you to be okay, no matter how inconvenient that process was for them.Â
It was a day off for both girls, due to the match the day before, and they were able to let you sleep in. Ingrid was worried you were sleeping too much, but Mapi assured her that angsty teens always needed a lot of sleep, and depressed teens going through a rough time needed even more sleep. Pair that with the intense panic attack youâd had the day before, you were bound to be exhausted.Â
When noon rolled around, though, and youâd yet to make an appearance, Mapi relented, much to Ingridâs relief, who had half a mind to check you for a pulse. Mapi made a coffee to bring up to you, opening your door quietly to find you out cold under the covers.Â
With Snø clutched tightly in your arms, your nose pressed against the soft polar bear, you looked so young.Â
âPequeĂąa, despierta,â Mapi murmured, sitting on the edge of your bed and pulling the covers away from your face a bit.Â
You blinked up at her groggily, an adorably sleepy expression on your face, and Mapi couldnât help but push some hair out of your face and smile down at you. You looked slightly suspicious, as you couldnât remember being woken up like this in the entire time living in Spain, but Mapi just handed you your coffee, and settled on the edge of your bed.Â
âMorning,â you said after a minute and a rather large sip of coffee.Â
âAfternoon.â Mapi corrected, a little confused when your face turned red at the comment. âItâs 12:15.âÂ
âThatâs weird. Normally Ingrid comes to make sure Iâm breathing if I sleep past 10.â You noted.Â
Mapi chuckled. âWeâre working on some of your sisterâs annoying habits.âÂ
âDonât get rid of too many, or there wonât be anything left.â You said, your lips tugging up into a smirk.Â
âOkay! I will just go through this chocolate croissant I made for you in the garbage!â Ingrid scoffed from the doorway, turning on her heel and marching back down the stairs.Â
If there was any surefire way to get you out of bed, it was to present you with a breakfast pastry.Â
Within 90 seconds, you had kicked Mapi out, thrown some clothes on and bounded down the stairs, in search of the promised croissant. It was sitting on a plate at the counter, waiting for you, next to your sister who was glaring at you slightly.Â
âThank you, Ing,â you said sweetly, throwing her a charming smile. She rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless.Â
You hit Mapiâs hand playfully when she reached for your croissant, and she withdrew it with a laugh. âYouâre like breakfast pastries the way Ingrid is about coffee.âÂ
âReasonable? Reasonably attached to it? Is that what you mean, MarĂa?â Ingrid asked with a frown.Â
âOf course, mi amor.â Mapi said with a smile, kissing Ingridâs cheek softly. You averted your eyes, but you couldnât lie and say that it didnât make you happy to see your sister loved so well.Â
The morning, or afternoon, was going exactly as youâd hoped. No attempts at conversation. No feelings. Of course, it couldnât last. Once youâd finished eating, Ingrid perked up and seemed to prepare herself for what she was about to say, which instantly made you weary.Â
âWe should talk about last night, kjĂŚre.â Ingrid said calmly.Â
You froze, slowly putting your mug back on the counter. Both other girls watched the way your whole body tense, the way every ounce of emotion was wiped off your face.Â
âIâm fine. Thereâs nothing to talk about.â You said stiffly.Â
âThat is not true. Something upset you, and we should discuss it.â Ingrid argued.Â
âIngrid, itâs fine. Just leave it. We donât need to talk about that. We donât need to talk about anything.â You replied defensively.Â
âItâs not fine!â Ingrid said, raising her voice, and shaking off Mapiâs gestures to calm down. âNone of this is fine. We need to talk about last night. We need to talk about the letter you wrote. We need to get you in therapy. These are all things that need to happen, solstrĂĽle. Weâve given you time, now we need to do this.âÂ
âI am not going to therapy.â You declared, standing up with a scoff and crossing your arms across your chest. âIngrid, I am fine. I donât need to talk and I donât need help.âÂ
Ingrid grew visibly more angry with you at that, throwing her arms up in the air in frustration.Â
âAmor, take a breath.â Mapi said quietly, sighing to herself when Ingrid did not do so.Â
âYou donât need help? That is the most untrue thing I have ever heard. You do not write the things that you wrote and then turn around and say youâre fine. You. Need. Help.âÂ
âIngrid. I am not going to therapy, and I am done talking about this.â You said, your voice dangerously quiet.Â
Your sister wasnât phased, stepping closer to you with her eyes narrowed. âYou will go to therapy if I say you will, and this conversation is not over until I say it is.âÂ
In retrospect, even Ingrid realized that this was decidedly the wrong thing to say. You didnât take well to being told what to do. Your reaction really should have been worse; Ingrid had gotten off easy.Â
âJesus, Ingrid, do you hear yourself? You sound just like mom.â You spit back, feeling a bit of satisfaction at the hurt that flashed across your sisterâs face. âI donât want to talk about this, especially not with you.â You spun around and began stomping towards the stairs. âDonât fucking follow me.â You warned over your shoulder, causing Ingridâs jaw to drop.Â
âDo not-â Ingrid began, starting after you.Â
âAmor, leave her.â Mapi said, intervening before Ingrid got very far, and pulling her back.Â
âShe is the most frustrating person on the planet.â Ingrid huffed, slamming a hand down onto the counter. Mapi looked unimpressed.Â
âShe is probably thinking the same thing about you right now. I told you not to push her.âÂ
Ingrid rolled her eyes. âCould you be on my side here for once?â She asked bitingly.Â
Mapi very calmly shook her head, opening her mouth to explain when Ingridâs eyebrows flew up on her forehead. âNo. I am on your sisterâs side, and you should be too. No one has been for a really long time.â
The Norwegian deflated at that, sinking down into one of the stools at the counter. Mapi continued speaking, pulling Ingridâs hair gently out of the bun it was in, and running her fingers through it. âYouâre looking at this wrong, mi amor. She doesnât need you to talk her into therapy. Sheâll get there on her own, you just need to give her time. That girl has a long way to go before she admits she needs help, believe me.âÂ
Ingrid sighed deeply. âCan you go check on her? Sheâs mad at me, I just need you to make sure sheâs okay and she isnât going to do anything stupid.âÂ
âOf course.â Mapi said, delicately kissing Ingridâs lips. âI love you.â She reminded the Norwegian with a soft, almost shy smile.Â
Ingrid wanted to cry at how sweet, how perfect, how helpful and kind and funny and beautiful her girlfriend was. âI love you, so so much.âÂ
Mapi headed for the stairs, and Ingrid made yet another cup of coffee, a coffee she wouldnât drink.
Because Mapi came running back down the stairs a minute later, an apprehensive look on her face as she approached her girlfriend.Â
âMi amor, she isnât up there.â She said carefully.Â
âWhat do you mean she isnât up there,â Ingrid asked, rising to her feet and feeling panic rise within her.Â
Mapi just shook her head, putting her hands on Ingridâs shoulders. âShe isnât up there. Her window is open, I think she snuck out.âÂ
Ingrid felt like something inside of her was collapsing, leaving behind a chasm that was quickly filling with anxiety. âWhere⌠what? She⌠sheâs gone? SheâŚwe have to-âÂ
What had you left to do? Only horrible, life shattering options of where you were and what you were doing were flying through Ingridâs head, and she reached out, latching on to Mapiâs outstretched hands.Â
âAmor, breathe. Calm down. Weâll find her. Where would she go?âÂ
Mapi hoped, with everything in her, that Ingrid had an answer. Because she had to be calm right now, for Ingrid, but Barcelona was a big city. And if you didnât want to be found⌠Mapi didnât know what would happen.Â
Ingridâs mind was racing, but one thought pushed to the front of everything else. âThe lake, thereâs a lake in Melhus she would always go to when she was upset. Sheâd go to water, a body of water.âÂ
Mapi nodded. âOkay, there are 2 beaches in walking distance, in opposite directions. Weâll go to one, and weâll send Frido to the other.âÂ
Privately, Mapi hoped Frido found you first. She wasnât quite sure that you wouldnât bolt away from Ingrid, but you wouldnât be expecting Frido to pop up.Â
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A quick call to Frido later, Mapi was directing one very frazzled Norwegian into the car, and setting off for the beach. Ingrid was deep in thought, and Mapi kept her hand on her girlfriendâs leg, softly and soothingly rubbing her thumb back and forth. It was only a few minutes to the beach, and Mapi knew Ingrid would talk before they arrived.Â
âDo you think sheâd do something stupid?â Ingrid asked anxiously, her hand covering Mapiâs and gripping tightly. The Spaniard didnât need her to explain what she meant; she knew this question was coming, really.Â
âShe said she wouldnât.â Mapi said calmly.Â
âShe said she wouldnât âdo that to me,â that doesnât mean she wouldnât do it, especially now that sheâs mad at me.â
âThis is a little fight. She wouldnât⌠do that. Not over this.â Mapi reassured her, but Ingrid remained unconvinced.Â
âI donât know what sheâs thinking, MarĂa, maybe she was lying before.âÂ
âIngrid, mi amor, calm down. You have to trust her. Even when youâre scared, and even when it feels like you should take her bedroom door off the hinges and implant her with a GPS chip. You have to trust her not to hurt herself.â
âBut what if she does?â Ingrid asked softly, as if saying the words loud enough would somehow will it into existence.Â
âWe canât think like that. Promise me you wonât think like that, okay?âÂ
âOkay.â Ingrid agreed faintly. Both of them knew she was lying. It was all sheâd been worrying about for days, and all she would worry about for many to come.Â
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Frido found you first. When she drove by the beach and didn't see you there, she got another idea. There was a rock climbing place nearby; Ingrid had said you always used to go to a lake back home when you were upset. Though Frido didnât want to say so, it had been a long time since Ingrid had lived with you, and it wouldnât have surprised her if your habits had changed. And the Swede knew from your instagram that you spent a lot of time rock climbing. She told Mapi where she was headed, and sped over to the gym.Â
Sure enough, as soon as she walked in the building, she spotted you in the middle of the hardest wall, seemingly only using the smallest holds to get yourself up. You were breathing hard, and the worker belaying you looked a bit concerned.Â
Frido pulled her phone out, shooting off a quick text to Mapi. âSheâs here, sheâs okay. Let me talk to her, donât let Ingrid come in. Iâll bring her out.âÂ
Ingrid probably wouldnât help the situation, if you were as angry as you seemed. The blonde spoke quickly to the front desk attendant, and headed over to where you were.Â
She stood, just watching you. You were a few feet from the top now, luckily for your hands, which you clearly had not put enough chalk on, and were beginning to really hurt. With only a bit to go, you took a risk, attempting an impressive, one armed pull to get your other hand to the next hold. You just barely missed, falling away from the wall.Â
âFuck,â you cursed, swinging back towards the wall and smacking it with your hand. You were lowered down, clearly fuming, and Frido took the opportunity to step in front of you, giving the girl attached to the other end of the rope a look.Â
âAgain,â you requested, avoiding Fridoâs gaze.Â
She took your hand in hers, though, inspecting the tear in your skin, shaking her head. âNo, thatâs enough SolstrĂĽle.âÂ
âLeave me alone, Frido.â You snapped, trying to pull away from her when you felt the rope fall slack. You turned, seeing that the worker had abandoned her harness in favor of going to help someone else, no doubt at Fridoâs direction.Â
You rolled your eyes, quickly regretting it when the Swede raised an eyebrow at you. Ingrid could be scary sometimes, but she had nothing on Frido.Â
âAre they here?â You asked, loosening the harness and stepping out of it with an exasperated sigh.Â
âTheyâre outside. You terrified your sister.â Frido said, pulling you over to a bench and making you sit down, before handing you a bottle of water.Â
You looked unimpressed. âIâm 18, I can handle myself in the city for an hour.âÂ
âShe wasnât worried about that, she was worried you were going to hurt yourself.â Frido said bluntly, sitting down next to you. She ignored how stiff youâd grown and how uncomfortable you seemed, reaching for your hand and looking at it critically.Â
âThat wasnât on purpose.â You said defensively, wrenching your hand away once again. âAnd I told her I wouldnât do that.âÂ
âCan you blame her for worrying, SolstrĂĽle, really? And maybe you didnât do that on purpose, but you came here to push yourself instead of dealing with your feelings in a healthy way.âÂ
You really hated that she was right. Frido was always right. It was simultaneously her worst and best trait.
âAre they mad?â You asked in a small voice, suddenly looking very much your age. Frido stood and held out a hand to help you up.
âNot right now. Just worried. Ingridâs going to give you a hug and youâre going to let her.â Frido instructed. You supposed that was fair. And really, you could use a hug. Hugs from your sister always made you feel better, even if youâd never admit it.Â
As you exited the building, you instantly spotted your sister and her girlfriend by their car. Mapi was leaning calmly against the Cupra, while Ingrid was pacing frantically, speaking fast and gesturing wildly with her hands.Â
âDid I do that?â You asked quietly.Â
Frido laughed. âI think she was born like that.âÂ
As you neared the car, Ingrid turned as Mapi pointed at you, her face melting with relief at the sight of you. It really hit you, then, how worried she must have been, to still be so anxious even after Frido had likely told her you were okay. You werenât making this easy on your sister.Â
She practically knocked you over with the force of her hug. âYouâre okay.â She murmured into the top of your head, leaving a kiss there.Â
âIâm okay.â You reiterated, letting yourself hug her back tightly, even if it was just for a moment. She felt you tighten your arms around her almost unconsciously, and made a note to hug you more often. Even if it seemed like you werenât very interested. After a minute she pulled back, placing both hands on your cheeks and making you look at her.Â
âNext time leave through the front door? And tell me where youâre going? Please?â She asked. You appreciated that she didnât tell you to do this, leaving it more as a request, although you knew it was a reasonable rule for her to put in place.
âPromise.â You said quietly. She nodded her head, satisfied, before pulling Frido into a hug that also looked to be too tight. Mapi was looking at you, rather unimpressed. You knew she was not happy with you for upsetting your sister so much, and though it annoyed you a bit, you knew it was deserved. And you appreciated that your sister had someone that was so protective over her.Â
âIn the car, nena. I want to talk to you when we get home.â Mapi instructed. You got in the car with no argument, the fight having gone out of you a bit. It had nothing to do with the hug Ingrid had given you, nothing at all. Definitely not. Instead of anger, you only felt apprehension, because Mapi looked dead serious about whatever she wanted to talk about.Â
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You were nothing short of shocked when Mapi opened the door to the garage and gestured you inside upon arriving home. Ingrid watched on anxiously, and you pretended not to see the way Mapi whispered some reassurance to her and kissed her cheek, before pointing her towards the kitchen
Youâd never been in the garage before; it was Mapiâs space. You were already invading her home, you wouldnât invade the one place of the house that was really hers, too. You knew she worked something out there, knew there was a reason both cars parked in the driveway instead of in the garage.Â
Mapi followed you into the room and sat down on a stool next to the large motorcycle in the middle of the garage. It was clearly in the process of being restored. You hadnât known Mapi rode motorcycles. Well, you hadnât known that your sister let Mapi ride a motorcycle. You stood awkwardly in the door as Mapi inspected 2 different wrenches, until she pointed at the stool next to her.Â
âVen aqui, nena.â She said.Â
You took a seat, not really enjoying the tense silence that washed over the room. âAre you mad at me?â You asked after a minute. For all your anger, and all your bravado, you didnât like it when people were mad at you. Especially not people you looked up to, people you admired.Â
âNo. Not mad, nena. Never mad. I wish you hadnât snuck out your window, but I understand why you did. I wish sometimes you thought a bit more about how your actions affect me and your sister, but I know how hard that is to do when youâre as angry as you are.âÂ
âIâm not angry.â You said defensively. Mapi rolled her eyes, handing you a couple of tools and beginning to tighten something on the bike.Â
âYou are angry. Youâre so angry that you feel like youâre going to explode sometimes. Youâre so angry that sometimes you forget that youâre sad, too. Youâre angry, and youâre hurt, and I cannot blame you for that. If anyone has a right to those emotions, itâs you.â You didnât really enjoy being perceived so well, shifting uncomfortably in your seat. âI know angry, nena. Do you remember when I hurt my knee?âÂ
You nodded. The first few weeks of Mapi's injury hadnât been a fun time, your sister beyond stressed with dealing with Mapiâs injury and her new role in the team, and youâd tried hard to be on your best behavior.Â
âI started working on this bike a year ago, when everything happened with the Spanish federation. It was Ingridâs idea, a way for me to distract myself. When I hurt my knee, it had been a bit since Iâd worked on it, but suddenly I was back in this garage until all hours of the night. Itâs nice to be able to control something like this, when everything else feels out of your control. That is how climbing is for you, yes?âÂ
You relaxed a bit at the turn the conversation was taking, and Mapi wasnât surprised. It wasnât just the topic; it was the fact that she wasnât staring at you, putting pressure on you to give her an answer she wanted to hear. You were just talking. Casually.Â
âYeah. Iâm in control, and I donât have to think about anything else. Itâs relaxing.âÂ
âItâs good for you to have an outlet like that.â Mapi stated. âThis bike was Ingridâs idea, when we first got together. Do you know what her other idea was?âÂ
You were pretty sure you did, and you grimaced at the thought. âTherapy?âÂ
Mapi snorted, handing you the wrench she was using and taking the screwdriver from your hand. âYes therapy. You donât have to look at it like that, though, it doesnât have to be a bad thing.â
âItâs not for me.â You said decisively.Â
Mapi just shrugged. âI didnât think it was for me either.â She paused, knowing your curiosity would get the better of you, and youâd ask for more information.Â
âWhat changed your mind?â You asked after a minute.Â
âYour sister did. After the euros, I had a hard time coming back to Barça and playing. Those weeks were some of the hardest of my life, trying to find my rhythm again but trying to recover from the stress Iâd been under that summer. I was a mess. And Ingrid was right there with me, through all of it. Iâd had a really bad day, and I asked Ingrid to come home early from a lunch she had. She came home, calmed me down, and afterwards, she asked me if I trusted her. I said I did. And she said that she really wanted me to try therapy. That I didnât have to feel how I felt, and I deserved help. I deserved to not be miserable. She asked me to try it, for her, just give it a try.âÂ
âAnd you did.âÂ
âAnd I did. Because sheâd done so much for me, I couldnât refuse her request. Not when I knew she just wanted the best for me. I gave it a shot, and it helped, more than anything else had helped. It wasnât a fix all, but it helped. It made me feel like I was doing something to get better.âÂ
Mapi abandoned her work on the bike, looking at you for the first time since youâd entered the garage. You could only see sincerity in her gaze. Not anger, but annoyance. Just sincerity. âYou deserve help, SolstrĂĽle. No matter how you feel about yourself, Ingrid and I know you. And we know you deserve help. Youâre a good person, and you deserve to be happy.âÂ
MarĂa sounded so sure. So completely convinced. You looked away from her, blinking hard.Â
âYou donât have to agree to anything now. Keep an open mind about it. Think about it. Okay?âÂ
âOkay.â You agreed quietly, grateful that Mapi didnât make a big deal out of it, only nodding slightly.Â
âOne more promise?â She asked.Â
âWhat?âÂ
âTalk to us. Or just me, or just Ingrid. Weâre a little lost here, nena. It feels like we were just kind of plopped down in the middle of this. We had no idea anything was going on, not really. And all of a sudden weâre reading that letter, and realizing we missed a lot. Thatâs on us; we should have noticed sooner. We donât have the whole picture, though, and that makes it really hard for us to figure out how to help you. Weâll both worry a lot less if you talked to us, just a little bit.âÂ
That was reasonable, you had to admit. When she put it like that. Youâd spent so much time being annoyed that no one had noticed, then being annoyed when they finally did notice, you hadnât really spent a ton of time thinking about how little they knew. There was no context to your behavior, aside from what youâd put in the letter. And that just barely scratched the surface. You supposed they deserved an explanation. At least a bit of one.Â
âIâll try.â You promised.Â
Mapi grinned at you this time, an infectious smile. âBueno! Come here with that wrench. No, that one. Put it on this bolt. Twist.âÂ
And just like that, the conversation was over. Easily. You got the feeling that Mapi would have let it go if youâd insisted on it, but you miraculously felt better. Talking, listening had made you feel better. Mapi had made you feel better.Â
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You both emerged from the garage around an hour and a half later, when the smell of baking cookies became too strong to resist. Ingrid had clearly been stress baking, one of your favorite of her habits. There were at least 3 different types of cookies on the counter, some done baking, some still in progress. It smelled so distinctly of home in the house, it was almost overwhelming.Â
âI have something for you,â Ingrid said, drying her hands and stepping away from the counter when you walked into the room.Â
âI can see that.â You said, nodding to the cookies appreciatively, but Ingrid shook her head.Â
âNo, something else.â Ingrid said.
âOH! I do too.â Mapi said excitedly, and they both disappeared in different directions. You stood bewildered in the kitchen, not quite sure what you were about to be given.Â
They returned simultaneously, each holding what looked to be 2 frames. âMapiâs first.â Ingrid directed. âI havenât seen it yet.âÂ
You looked surprisingly at Mapi, taking the present and beginning to unwrap the wrapping paper. âWhat is this for?â You asked.Â
âYour birthday.â Ingrid said quietly. You froze momentarily, an unreadable expression flashing across your face. âI know it seems like we forgot, but we didnât. We got the dates messed up, but we had presents, and we had dinner reservations, just⌠for the 25th. Not the 15th.âÂ
âOh. I thought youâd forgotten.â You said slowly, seemingly slightly emotional.Â
âNope, just bad at remembering dates. Now open your present.â Mapi said impatiently, bouncing on her feet like an overexcited child.Â
You unwrapped it slowly, as if you were slightly weary of what it might be. When you pulled the frame from the wrapping paper, though, every wall youâd put up fell instantly, your jaw dropping open at the piece of art in your hands.Â
It was a map. Not just a map, but a map of all the hiking trails in Barcelona. It was textured, detailed, labeled. It was intricate, all neutrals and earthy colors. It was so you. From the contents to the design, it was like it had been made just for you.Â
âMapiâŚâ You whispered, staring, stunned, at the map. âWhere did you⌠how did you⌠what?âÂ
âAleâs sister Fresa went to school with this girl that hand makes maps like this. I got her name from diablillo, and I told her what I wanted. Do you like it, do you like it?â Mapi asked excitedly.Â
Mapi got her answer when you handed the frame to Ingrid, and launched yourself the few feet between you and Mapi, wrapping her in a tight hug. Mapi beamed at Ingrid, who was trying very hard not to cry. She hadnât even given Mapi any advice on the gift. It had been all her girlfriendâs idea, she executed it all by herself, determined to get SolstrĂĽle the perfect gift.Â
âItâs perfect, thank you MarĂa,â you mumbled. The ridiculous smile on Mapiâs lips didnât falter at the use of her real name, only squeezing you tighter.Â
âTe amo, SolstrĂĽle.â She said back. For once, you believed it. When you pulled away from the hug, it was to see Mapi looking smugly at your sister. âINGRID I DEFINITELY WON.â
Ingrid rolled her eyes. âShe hasnât even opened my present yet.â
âStill. I won.â Mapi smirked.Â
Now it was Ingridâs turn to hand you your gift. It was wrapped in the same paper, and you tore it off, almost cautiously, not quite sure what Ingrid would have gotten you.Â
You were, once again, speechless at what you saw. This time, your eyes filled with tears immediately. Ingrid wasnât as excited as Mapi had been, instead looking at you anxiously.Â
It was a painting of a waterfall back home not far from your house. It was so distinct, you knew Ingrid must have paid a ridiculous amount of money to get someone to hand paint it. Each individual stroke was so precise, blending perfectly into the image it was supposed to be, but if you focused hard, you could pick out the greens and greys and blues and whites that youâd grown up with.Â
It felt like home. It felt comforting. You could almost smell the trees, feel the cool sting of wind on your cheeks. It was a little piece of home just for you, and it was perfect. So beautiful and artistic that you werenât sure you were worthy of it, but you looked at it in awe nonetheless. You wiped at your cheeks, not able to control the tidal wave of emotion washing over you.Â
âKjĂŚre? Is it okay?â Ingrid asked anxiously, her eyes searching your face, trying to figure out if these were good tears or bad tears.Â
You let out an incredulous laugh. âOkay? Ingrid⌠itâs the most perfect thing Iâve ever seen in my life. Itâs⌠perfect. Thank you.â You said, turning to her with a look of complete shock. And even though it pained Ingrid that you were so surprised to receive a nice gift for your birthday, she pushed that feeling down. Instead, she pulled you in towards her, placing the frame on the counter so she could hug you properly. You were happy with it, now, and that was all Ingrid had control over.Â
After a few seconds, Ingrid moved to pull away and break the hug, but you kept your arms wrapped around her, not quite ready to let go yet. Maybe it was the homesickness, or maybe it was your sister making you feel so known, and so loved. Whatever the reason, you just wanted her near you for a minute more, holding you nice and tight and safe against her.Â
âI love you,â she whispered, hearing you mumble the words back, your voice thick with emotion. When you did pull away, a minute later, it was to wipe at your face in an almost embarrassed manner.Â
Seeing how desperate you were for the attention to be off your tears, Mapi spoke up, her voice light and easy. âYou can put them up in your room, you donât have anything on the walls.âÂ
You looked at the ground, then, almost sheepishly. âI didnât know I could put anything up on them.â You admitted.
The room fell quiet, but even though you could tell that what you said had hurt Ingrid and Mapi, they just shook their heads softly. âItâs your room, for good, you can do whatever you want to it.â Ingrid told you.Â
You were about to thank her, and try to move the conversation long when Mapi let out a dramatic gasp. Both you and Ingrid whipped your heads to look at her, confused at the mischievous grin on her face.Â
âIkea. WE CAN GO TO IKEA AND GET FURNITURE FOR SOLSTRĂ
LEâS ROOM.âÂ
âMarĂa, calm down. Maybe she doesnât want to redo her room.â Ingrid looked at you hopefully, and you knew it had nothing to do with your room, and everything to do with her not wanting to take Mapi to ikea.Â
You simply smirked back at Ingrid, who sighed and shut her eyes for a minute.Â
âOkay. Ikea.â She said finally. You and Mapi cheered, comically loudly, completely ignoring the rules she was setting in favor of high fiving each other and going to get ready to leave. âMarĂa, you are not building anything. SolstrĂĽle does not need her bed to collapse under her in the middle of the night. And kjĂŚre, please, please, donât let Mapi talk you into a loft bed, youâll fall off of it and break your arm. Amor? KjĂŚre? ARE EITHER OF YOU LISTENING!â Ingrid shouted after you, rolling her eyes at the chants of ikea echoing around the house.Â
Mapi in Ikea was a handful. You, too, were a handful at the store. Together? She was going to lose one of you, she was sure of it. It had been a long day already. And it was only set to get longer.Â
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fluffy engen-leĂłn family trying to put furniture together in the next part?
yes, that IS all i have to say about this chapter thank you for your time.
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adjustments + acceptance
Sol gets a new friend. Mapi... adjusts.
pretty much entirely fluff. brief descriptions of a panic attack.
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âAmor, are you sure about this?â Mapi asked, for probably the 10th time that morning. Ingrid just chuckled, looking sympathetically across the kitchen table at her girlfriend who had her black cat cradled close to her chest.
âMarĂa, you agreed already.â Ingrid implored, taking a sip of coffee to hide her smile at the older womanâs pouting. Â
Mapi let out a heavy sigh, pressing a gentle kiss onto the catâs forehead. âI donât want a dog.âÂ
âI know, but Sol does. She wants one so badly she asked me if she could get one. You know what that means as well as I do, MarĂa.âÂ
Mapi threw her head back and groaned. âYouâre very lucky I love your sister.âÂ
âI am very lucky.â Ingrid said, sending her girlfriend a soft, loving smile that the other woman instantly returned. Though after a second, she shook her head like she was pulling herself from a trance.Â
âYou Engens. You make a face and I give you whatever you want.â She said grumpily. âIt is not fair.â
âMaybe you should grow a spine then, MarĂa,â Ingrid laughed.Â
âYou wouldnât like it if I did,â Mapi teased, though she flushed red when Ingrid raised one eyebrow at her.Â
âYou wouldnât dare.â She said matter of factly, and she was completely correct. Mapi wouldnât dare. âAlright, Iâll go get her. Remember, MarĂa, this is a surprise. Donât be weird, and donât tell her where weâre going.â
âI know how to act normal, and I know how to keep a surprise a secret.â Mapi scowled.Â
âYou tried to throw me a surprise party last year and you were so weird, I thought you were breaking up with me.â Ingrid replied over her shoulder, leaving Mapi to sit and think with that one.Â
The Spaniard couldnât deny that Ingrid had a point. Mapi took a deep breath, putting on a smile that she hoped was normal, that certainly wasnât, and waited for you to descend the stairs, soaking up her last few minutes with Bagheera as an only child.
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Ingrid wouldnât lie and claim she didnât want a dog either. She absolutely did, and when you very timidly asked if it would ever be a possibility for you to get one, Ingrid had seized her chance. If Mapi had a soft spot for her, it was nothing compared to how she was with you. Ingrid wasnât quite sure that her girlfriend had ever said no to you.Â
You were confused as to where you were going, until Mapi pulled into a parking spot in front of a shelter, and you got out of the car faster than either of them thought was possible. Your excitement and hope was infectious as you waited impatiently for your sister and her girlfriend to get out of the car, too.Â
âAre you guys being for real? Youâre getting a dog?â You asked, practically bouncing up and down with excitement. Mapi shook her head with a wry grin.Â
âNo, youâre getting a dog. I will play no part in the ruin of Bagheeraâs life.âÂ
Ingrid rolled her eyes at her girlfriend, pulling open the door to the building and gesturing you inside.Â
As Ingrid followed you into the shelter, watching the growing grin on your face, she couldnât hide her own smile. At your excitement, obviously, but also that she was finally getting her way. As she normally did.
Her and Mapi had done some recon, and had a couple dogs in mind that the shelter said were friendly and easy going. They greeted the shelter workers, who had been expecting them, and began to lead you back to one of the first dogs they had chosen.Â
You didnât even make it to the first option theyâd selected. Instead, you stopped in your tracks at the third cage. Inside was a black and white border collie, a dog that initially Ingrid had considered. Though border collies were a lot of work, they were energetic and active. This one was a bit smaller than a normal one was, so Ingrid wasnât worried about the size. As she had talked with the workers, though, she learned that he wasnât very friendly, and he hadnât shown any interest in anyone that had attempted to get to know him.Â
Heâd been found abandoned on the side of the road, just outside the city. There were no signs of abuse, but he was, at their estimate, between 3 and 5 years old, so it hadnât been an unwanted puppy. He had a collar on, which said his name, but the address and phone number had been scratched off. This, along with the place he was left suggested that he had been⌠just that. Left. This traumatizing event had clearly left a mark on the little guy, and he was now exceptionally distrustful of every human that interacted with him.Â
Over the course of the preliminary visit Ingrid had made to the shelter, she hadnât seen him move from his spot wedged in the back of the cage, his deep brown eyes sullenly and apprehensively watching anyone who walked by.Â
So, Ingrid had ruled that dog out, knowing you would want a dog that would be up for doing activities with you.Â
Now, though, he was looking at you intently, his ears perked up on his head.Â
âHi, buddy,â you whispered, crouching down in front of the cage. He didnât retreat further into himself, like he had done when Ingrid had watched the workers interact with him. He didnât get up either, but he did scoot himself just a bit closer to you. Ingrid and Mapi stopped, exchanging looks, before they turned to the worker.Â
âThatâs Scout. He is very shy, and isnât very receptive to anyone.â She explained, looking at you with pity, knowing the look on your face was one that meant you were already attached to him.Â
âCan I meet him?â You asked, not looking away from the dog.Â
Mapi opened her mouth to get you to move on but Ingrid nudged her, shaking her head. There was something about the way the dog was looking at you. Almost hopefully.Â
âOf course, but he probably wonât let you near him. Heâs like that with everyone, so donât be offended.â The worker explained.Â
You moved out of her way as she opened the door, before you carefully stepped in, taking a seat just inside the door against the wall. You regarded Scout carefully, watching as he sniffed the air in between the two of you with interest.Â
âHi Scout.â You said, holding your hand out for him to sniff.Â
Mapi and the worker expected the dog to recoil, curl back up into a little ball in the corner of the room as far away from you as he could get. Ingrid wasnât quite sure what she was expecting, but it wasnât what occurred.Â
Slowly, Scout got to his feet, stretching carefully before he padded softly forward, still very tentative, and sniffed your hand.Â
All three of the adults outside the cage watched, astounded, as Scout gave your hand a lick. They all jumped, startled, when he bounded forward and launched himself at you. All three women flinched, expecting the worst from him. Instead of a surprise attack, though, he planted his paws firmly on your legs, and began eagerly licking at your face. His tail began to wag, and he looked like a completely different dog as you began to run your fingers through his fur.Â
You were laughing, trying to get him to leave your face alone, and the sound seemed to only make him happier, only make him more eager.Â
âScout, no,â you laughed, pushing his head away gently.Â
The other workers had come over to watch, and they were in complete awe when Scout stopped licking your face, and plopped down on the ground next to you, resting his head in your lap. Scout was famous at the shelter for not listening. He knew his name, clearly, but the dog didnât follow any instructions. Ever. They thought he hadnât been trained, but it appeared he just had been waiting for the right person to tell him what to do.Â
You continued to pet his head, smiling down at him as he let out a very contented sigh, looking up at you with those big brown eyes. Everyone in the building knew very well that there was nothing to be done, now. Scout had chosen you. And youâd chosen him.Â
When you looked up at Ingrid and Mapi, the biggest smile on your face that theyâd seen in a long time, neither of them could have even thought about saying no.Â
You left the shelter that day with a very sweet new friend. He was perfect for you, truly. His breed was known to be energetic which was good for all the activities you liked to do. He was loyal, smart, and almost painfully adorable. You loved him instantly. And as Ingrid watched you both through the rearview mirror on the way home, she knew youâd made the right choice. There was something in his eyes that made our sister sure that heâd take care of you. Call her crazy, but dogs were weird like that, and she couldnât help but think that this little guy had ended up in a shelter so he could someday be yours.Â
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Scout was attached at the hip to you, having decided that you were safe, and though he slowly got used to Ingrid and Mapi, you were his person.Â
And while Mapi understood that you loved him and he loved you, she wasnât sure she could quite get over the change he brought to the house. He was slightly clumsy, always bumping into things and tripping her. He slept with his mouth open, and made little sounds as he snoozed, which bothered Mapi to no end. It grossed her out that he slept on your bed, and that he always tried to lick her legs when she came back from a run.Â
Mapi wasnât a dog person. She tolerated Scout, but she didnât think sheâd ever enjoy him, or be thankful for him.Â
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Her biggest fear going into the whole dog thing, though, was that Bagheera would be upset. What actually happened was almost⌠worse, in Mapiâs opinion.Â
The damn cat refused to hate the dog. No hisses. No well placed smacks to the nose with her paw. The first few days, Bagheera ignored him completely, though he was very intrigued by her. He wanted to be best friends, and she would have preferred to pretend he didnât exist.Â
After they spent more time together, though, it appeared that Bagheera warmed up to the clumsy dog, much to Mapiâs disdain.Â
You and Ingrid caught her giving Bagheera a stern talking to one morning, after finding her curled up on the couch next to Scout.Â
âYou are not supposed to like dogs, Bagheera. It is against the rules. And youâre leaving me all alone here. I cannot be the only one that hates the stupid dog. Heâs too big and too furry and too messy.â She ranted, scooping some food into Bagheeraâs bowl. You and Ingrid tried to withhold your laughter from where you were standing in the hall just outside the kitchen, but were unsuccessful.Â
A small giggle escaped you, and it was such an absurd sound that you and Ingrid burst even further into laughter, stumbling into the kitchen and right into the path of one very embarrassed, and very annoyed, Spaniard. She glared at you both, only sending you both into another fit of laughter, until you drew the attention of Scout, who clambered into the kitchen, wagging his tail like he always did when you laughed.Â
âOh perfect, now heâs going to make fun of me too.â Mapi scowled, crossing her arms over her chest in a very pouty manner.Â
âWeâre not making fun of you, MarĂa, I promise,â Ingrid began, avoiding eye contact with you so as not to laugh again.Â
âYouâre not?â Mapi asked, the crease in her forehead relaxing just slightly.Â
And at the same time as Ingrid went to respond, Scout decided to use his voice as well.Â
âNo!â Ingrid said.Â
âRUFFâ Scout barked, his tail now wagging furiously as you collapsed to the floor, laughing so hard your stomach hurt.Â
Ingrid tried to keep it together, really, but the prolonged eye contact with her furious partner proved to be too much, and she covered her face with her hand, body shaking silently.Â
âI hate you all.â Mapi said grumpily, picking up Bagheera, who gave a disgruntled meow, and jumped right out of her arms. The cat walked slowly over to her new friend, standing right next to him, as if to make a point. âTraitor.â Mapi called, before storming out of the room.Â
She shook her head at the loud laughter now erupting from the kitchen, and the occasional barks that joined it. She did wonder, though. Bagheera was a good judge of character. If she liked⌠him. He couldnât be that bad, could he?Â
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Ingrid was annoyed that Frido wanted to have a sleepover with you and not her. Mapi was annoyed because Ingrid was annoyed, and Scout was furious that youâd left him behind. He laid by the door for a solid hour, seemingly flabbergasted that youâd left with an overnight bag⌠and without him. Didnât you know that he was supposed to be the light of your life?Â
Eventually, though, he got tired of the doormat, and sulked into the family room where Ingrid and Mapi were watching a movie. He walked past Mapi, barely giving her a second look, before he jumped up on the couch without being invited, settling his head on Ingridâs leg and sighing dramatically. Ingrid didnât even flinch, just began to slowly stroke through the soft fur on the top of his head.Â
âAhem.â Mapi said, clearing her throat rather obviously.Â
âYes?â Ingrid asked, giving her girlfriend an amused look.Â
âDog. Dog on the couch.â Mapi said, looking exasperatedly at her girlfriend.âWithout being invited. Ingrid, we have rules, the dog is not supposed to come on the couch unless heâs invited and I did not invite him.â Mapi whined, growing more annoyed when Ingrid just smirked at her.Â
âHeâs always invited when Iâm up here, right Scout?â Ingrid cooed, smiling down at the dog when he began to wag his tail.Â
Mapi rolled her eyes, but dropped the issue. She did scoot over, though, right up next to Ingrid, resting her head on the Norwegianâs shoulder, in an almost territorial fashion. Ingrid noticed, and smirked, but chose not to say anything.Â
That one instance aside, there werenât really any issues until it was time for bed, and Ingrid and Mapi were already under the covers, finishing the last steps of their nighttime routine. They had left your bedroom door open, expecting that Scout would sleep in there, as he normally did.Â
He walked right in through their bedroom door, though, over to Ingridâs side of the bed. He looked at her, then, his big brown eyes looking hopefully up at her.Â
âNo. Ingrid, no.â Mapi said, seeing very clearly what Scout wanted.Â
âMapi, heâs just a baby,â Ingrid said, unable to say no to the very adorable face staring at her.Â
âHeâs not a baby! Heâs at least 3! That is 21 in dog years. A 21 year old does not need to sleep in our- INGRID NO.âÂ
Ingrid had very slyly patted the bed, inviting Scout up, though she made sure he laid at the very edge of the bed.Â
âMake him get off.â Mapi whined, glaring at her girlfriend.Â
âOh, heâs fine, MarĂa, heâll stay right there, wonât you, buddy?â Once Ingrid used the baby voice on him, Mapi knew there was no changing her mind. She sighed deeply, laying down and begrudgingly opening her arms for Ingrid to snuggle into, ignoring the grin on her partnerâs face.Â
âGoodnight, MarĂa, I love you,â Ingrid whispered into Mapiâs neck.Â
âLove you too.â Mapi replied grumpily, causing a small laugh to fall from her girlfriend's lips.Â
Scout remained at the edge of the bed for maybe 10 minutes before he moved a little closer to the women.Â
10 minutes later, a little bit closer.Â
When Ingrid and Mapi drifted off, heâd migrated up the bed, until his head was resting on one of Ingridâs legs, and he had a paw on one of Mapiâs.Â
And when Ingrid woke up the next morning? It was to discover a wide awake Mapi staring at her, and a very sleepy Scout still passed out.Â
âDid you sleep well?â Ingrid tried, fighting back a smile.Â
âDonât even try. We are burning these sheets.â Mapi said, shifting just slightly in an attempt to dislodge the dog that was tucked perfectly under the covers up against her, his head resting on her pillow. It looked like they were cuddling, and Ingrid wished more than anything in the world that you were here to see it. âHe is never allowed up here again.âÂ
âHeâs sweet, MarĂa, really,âÂ
âNever. Again.â Mapi said, her eyebrows furrowed adorably.Â
Ingrid knew that probably wouldnât last, if the way Mapi was subconsciously petting the dogâs head was any indication, so she let it go for now, knowing it would just be a matter of time before Scout had Mapi wrapped around his finger.Â
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And really, if there was a way to Mapiâs heart, it was through the two Norwegians in her life, that she loved very deeply. She tolerated Scout because he took care of her sol, and sheâd come to love him, too, for the same reason.Â
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Youâd been doing so much better the past month or so. Knowing that you were here to stay had done wonders for your mental health, the threat of going back to Norway no longer hanging over your head. That didnât mean that everything was perfect, though.Â
You still had doubts, still sent yourself spiraling sometimes when you thought too much. Particularly about your mom.Â
It was her birthday. Ingrid had assured you that you didnât need to say anything to her, not if you didnât want to. That had felt okay for most of the day. It was when you were left to your own devices, though, that you began to overthink, and began to doubt.Â
Sheâd missed your birthday and she hadnât cared. You pictured her face, though, everytime you closed your eyes. Not her face, but her face. Nice Momâs face. The mom that loved you, the mom that cut the crusts off your sandwiches, and held your hand when you crossed the street. Maybe this mom had never really existed, maybe she had just been⌠doing the bare minimum. Still, though, youâd spent many years thinking that sheâd loved you. And you spent many more years wondering how you could get Nice Mom back.Â
It was Nice Mom you thought about that evening, while Ingrid and Mapi were off at a match. Youâd stayed back, having an endless amount of homework to complete. This proved to be a mistake, and you knew that the minute you began to breathe a little too hard. The minute the thoughts started returning, the ones that told you that if your mother didnât love you, no one would. The ones that told you that you were unwanted. Unlovable. Too much trouble. Not worth it. Bad. Bad bad bad.Â
You didnât notice that you were crying until Scout was licking the tears off your face, and you didn't notice you were shaking until you began to pet him and your hands trembled against his fur.Â
It still felt unnatural to ask for help, to not just deal with it yourself. But in the time that youâd been accepting comfort and love from Ingrid and Mapi, it seemed that you no longer could deal with it yourself. You needed them, all of a sudden, which was a thought terrifying in and of itself. Still, you pressed the call button before you could think too hard, hoping more than anything that the match was over, and that your sister would answer.
âHi SolstrĂĽle! Weâre on our way home. Whatâs up?âÂ
âHow far are you?â You mumbled, shutting your eyes tightly and gripping onto the duvet cover under you.Â
âAbout 10. Is everything okay?â Ingrid asked, a touch of concern entering her voice. It was dumb, but sheâd scored a goal today, which wasnât a regular event, and the fact that you hadnât commented on it when you were the first to celebrate her goals was slightly worrying.Â
âNo. I- I canât-. No, please hurry.â You told her, biting your lip as it trembled, wishing you could just be strong enough for yourself for once.Â
âOh, honey.â Ingrid said sympathetically.Â
âWeâll be there as soon as we can, mi sol, I promise.â Mapi said, hitting the accelerator until she was definitely speeding. âHow bad is this one?âÂ
âBad. Canât breathe.â You whimpered, digging your nails into your leg in a desperate attempt to ground yourself.Â
âWeâre right here, solstrĂĽle, youâre okay, I promise.â Ingrid said, desperate to help in any way she could.Â
Now, all that could be heard over the speaker was your rapid breathing, and both girls knew you were past the point of being able to respond. They took turns talking to you, with no confidence that it would help. When you got like this, you needed physical contact to bring you out of it, a fact they were well aware of.Â
What they didnât know, though, was that Scout had taken matters into his ownâŚpaws, apparently unimpressed with your grounding technique. Or, maybe he could just sense your distress, and did the only thing his rather small brain could think of. First, he put his head on your leg, a regular position for him to lay, and you barely noticed it. Then, though, he put a paw up as well. It wasnât until he had both paws resting on your leg, licking your skin every so often, that you opened your eyes and looked down at him. He looked completely relaxed, and in a truly miserable shot in the dark, you began to run your fingers through his fur.Â
It was soothing, the soft fur and the steady beat of his heart under you. Amazingly, you could feel yourself trying to slow down your breathing, feeling yourself calming down just slightly. Enough that you could try the techniques youâd learned in therapy, and enough that you registered when the front door opened downstairs.Â
Help had arrived, but you werenât quite sure you needed it anymore.Â
Ingrid and Mapi rushed up the stairs, expecting you to be in a state theyâd only seen a couple times, but hated nonetheless. Instead, they were greeted with the sight of you on your bed, Scout sprawled across your lap, though he was much too big for it, a much calmer look on your face than made sense.Â
You gave them a weak smile, looking down at Scout, who, in turn, looked at them. He was just a dog, but his eyes were expressive, and Ingrid could swear he was judging them for leaving you home alone on such a day. Ingrid knew, almost instantly, how youâd managed to calm down without them. Â
Mapi evidently came to the same conclusion, because when her and Ingrid took their spots on either side of you, pressing kisses onto your forehead, and wrapping you up in a tight hug, Mapi focused first on Scout.Â
âBuen chico, Scoutâ she murmured, smoothing the fur on the top of his head. You and Ingrid exchanged smiles, while Mapi focused on the soft fur under her hand, and the protective way in which Scout laid across your legs. She decided, then, that maybe he wasnât so bad. She could do more than tolerate him, if he was this effective. And tomorrow, she decided, you were going to the pet store and picking out a new toy for him. And maybe a couple treats.Â
Anything for her sol, and apparently, anything for your Scout.Â
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:)
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