#''THIS ISNT NORMAL'' my brain says
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Sex positivity is also about not calling Ace people prude and using virgin as an insult 👍 hope that helps
#sex positivity is also respecting sex lives that dont look like yours#or lack thereof#and insulting people by saying they dont fuck make you sound stupid <3#im sorry i just cant take people who use their sex lives as a flex seriously its just not my thing!#like yea having lots of kinky sex is cool but not having sex and not being interested by sex is also cool#one is not better than the other the human experience is just very varied and diverse#its normal you wont understand everyone your brain isnt even made to comprehend how many human there are in the world#but we should all have spaces to navigate our sex lives as we wish even if that means interacting with sex as a subject as little as possibl
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Calendiles Ella Enchanted AU ⁉️⁉️
I will maybe. expand on this one day. but I also say that sooooo
#buffy the vampire slayer#btvs#rupert giles#jenny calendar#calendiles#buffy summers#willow rosenberg#xander harris#wesley wyndam pryce#whats her fucking name hold please.#Gwendolyn Post#ok she was kind bad tho......#andy drawz#I did this over winter break when I still had brain worms. Now Im normal#(NO HE ISNT.)#if you havent seen this movie this image set is so confusing#I'll explain more one day. he says like a liar.#next on da list: my shes all that au#but tbh. i think i just like a third act break up lololol I wanna do a bones shes all that au
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the adventures of the neath's most annoying definitely-totally-a-bat-and-not-the-scoundrel-in-a-robe continue (cards. their name is mr cards. or so they insist.)
this time: coworker antics. tune in next week on dragon ball Z where we'll be killing all of them with hammers
#or: doodles of that bastard FL oc im still obsessed with yes#yin art#fallen london#ft. fires and wines! fires' design is inspired by @waterlogged-detective's art bc it's delightful#the masters are all just horrid little creatures in big cloaks. to me#anyway. microdosing on tuning down my standards for myself by posting the more sketchy wines doodle#it probably eats up the attention the scoundrel/cards keeps giving it bc it's. well. it's wines#they don't even mind that it keeps making them pay for its revels! they're the perfect stooge!#the scientist thinks they desperately need to raise their standards. and also stop being a freak#the scoundrel doesn't care what the scientist thinks (it has to save room in its brain for caring about wines instead)#also ✨Glorious Ascension✨ is how they refer to their bat hrt. they say the whole thing. every time. without fail. sparkles mandatory.#nobody knows what's wrong with them#not even themself#despite what this art implies they get along pretty okay with fires. insomuch as fires can get along with anything#the real reason nobody invites them to masterly meetings#is bc they react to literally everything with big wide eyes while enthusiastically asking if that's how it normally works#and everyone's getting really tired of telling them for the 15th time that no. veils biting people isnt usually how curators socialize#veils just does that#i mean. curators DO socialize by biting. but veils is doing it wrong#scoundrelventures
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who even came up with knuckles' backstory. who went out of their way to make it make no sense and then proceed to not answer any of the questions they brought up. whose idea was it to have knuckles know nothing about himself yet recognise things he shouldn't. like. what was your plan. did you put these lines of dialogue in there just for fun? what
#im sorry i repeat myself so much but i spin this around in my brain daily im so normal#literally what was their plan bro#the entirety of sa1 was knuckles being so fucking confused and recognising shit he shouldnt know#then at the end he says hed rather not know anything bc 'something might happen' if he knows??? WHAT DID THEY MEAN BY THATTTTTTT#im so normal when i obsess over shit from a 25 year old game that will never be touched upon ever again and has probably been forgotten#and this isnt helped by the english localisation making it less clear that hes literally recognising things he shouldnt#and the slight change to his ending that has him say hes 'at peace' instead of that ominous ass line that 'something might happen'#knuckles the echidna
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hear me out
#[ EATING THE DRYWALL. ]#normal about this movie and everyone in it#spiderverse#spiderman across the spiderverse#spiderman into the spiderverse#itsv#atsv#miles morales#aaron davis#jefferson morales#like ans maybe this is the most obvious thing in the world but it drove me insane. so#they put me in the spider themed autism jail where all i do is rotate the identity of the prowler in a microwave for 30 years#THIS ISNT EVEN INCLUDING THE BIT IN THE ARTBOOK WHERE WE SEE THAT AARON AND MILES 42 ARE GOOD GUYS!!#LIKE ITS FUCKED BUT ITS. there's such a special place in my heart for this little. nightmare circle#morality and destiny forever entwined in this. my brain loves it#i hope this makes sense. i hope i'm not just saying things
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i could draw anything but i decided to draw this. carlo and rocco in 1932 aka my headache
#^ this isnt real ofc but its what happening inside their heads (well in carlo's at least)#mfs when their old friend doesn't break under manipulation#“Lift up the receiver I'll make you a believer” punching the wall with fist#rocco was the underboss not eddie can u hear me!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!! (capo henry situation in terms of complexity)#no m2 did smth to my brain and now im incapable of writing normal relationship between people#anyway. things that makes sense only to me rn unfortunately:#“AND YET ALAS I WELCOME YOU KNOWING ABOUT YOU” its carlo @ rocco but works both ways i think. RAHHHHHHHHH#YET YOU THINK WE'RE THE SAME RAHHHHHHHHH#youre not who u are to anyone these days im not who i am to anyone no not me at all these days not at all RAHHHHHHHHH#carlo who was afraid of rocco (for a reason) when he started to run the family rahhhhhhhhh#“That son of a bitch!.. I fuckin’ knew it!” <-watch me put a lot more meaning into a phrase that shouldn't make so much sense#2kczech need to pay me for developing rocco's character btw if u even care . and for writing this fucking falcone family backstory#“Холодный и острый осколок гранита; Смерть Голиафа в руке Давида”#<- “A cold and sharp shard of granite; Goliath's death in David's hand”#i've listened to this song too much it became certifed rocco song to me#let's say rocco helped carlo a lot w preparing moretti family for a new don. just bc i don't think it was this simple#“your capo killed your don lets all pretend that its cool and normal and it doesn't matter that he ran the family for 23 years😋😘”#avart#m2#i wont tag this w fandom tags dear god this shit is so delusional#dear god rocco been a gap and a blank spot in this story for so long but now i genuinely like him#tho i'm still not done with his character yet but there's enough for me to like him#sorry. not normal bout them. not at all .#rocco & carlo
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my landlord is supposed to come over today im so nervous omg we just renewed our lease a few days ago but what if she decides to kill me on the spot idk idk idk
#my fears are so cute and rational i love having cute and rational fears#i cant even say what my anxiety has centered around lately bc it’s so gross but my brain has been a mess lately rest assured#but dw. it isnt anything vladislaus straud fanfiction wont cure#landlord is coming over to drop off insulation for our pipes outside 🤒 BUT IDK WHAT IF SHE KILLS ME INSTEAD#<- a normal fear to have btw. the fear of a well adjusted human person
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hey guys is it embarrassing to like characters.
#.tlktxt#dont answer btw i know it is. but allow me to complain#cuz. inside out 2 right. anxiety is. a character whose so strange to me in my brain#i dont. give a fuck about the rest of the movie im gonna be so honest. but anxiety struck such a strong chord. idk#and you might think its because i have an anxiety disorder. which is true thats a lot of it. shes relatable in a way thats. like. kinda cool#but like. this isnt a normal like of a character. sometimes ill like a thing so so so much or connect with it that like#my chest hurts. when i think about them. like.#what im saying basically is i have very very strong emotions towards anxiety inside out 2 and i dont know what to do abt it cuz#inside out 2 is not a movie i particularly liked or care for otherwise.#aorry anyways. crushing that thing w my fists
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People be like "Wow you're so self aware" like hunny I AM myself? What the fuck else am I supposed to be aware of?
#the electricity humming >_< or the repulsive sound of myself chewing food#very aware. i could do with being less aware#this is a joke btw being self aware is generuinely hard and not common. and i dont say that to brag i say it because#some people struggle with self awareness and thats normal#oh my god my brain is broken#ive been watching too much bo burnham#that sentence was almost 'some people struggle with self awareness. and they should :D'#not that that sentiment isnt true. jyst that in this context (where im claiming to be self aware) it feels like a fucked up thing to say#because none of you know i say the samd things to myself#*cue applause* 'yay! hes a dick to everyone equally!' 😅#i fucked up the instant i brought up myself and other peopld in the same post honestly
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🐰🕸🌙
#i have so many behaviours and fears and#no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr#and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it#but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad#my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light#which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol#in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder#which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is#(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time#so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light#which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight#other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING#so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things#bc it cannot do so in a rational manner#and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am#as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil#which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now#despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense#esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont#anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal#or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having#avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o#bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont#deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant#i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.
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sometimes you just need to hit your head against a wall at school and move on
#(in the most normal calm voice youve ever heard) im sooooo sick of myself . oh my god#why do i feel so embarrassed and shameful of everything i say lately#was just at office hours for 30 mins and i had a nice little convo with my professor like i dont . think it went badly . i think#but immediately after i left i spiraled like god i probably said a lot of stupid things or it seemed like i was trying#to be too agreeable or too much of a hater or or or didnxdkshsksdnjssbsksbxk#and everything i try to write for class feels stupid and wrong and im soooo mad i hate my stupid baka brain and body oughhhhhhhhhh#i need to be killed or somethingggg#i cant help but think that i was bothering my professor and that he did notttttt want me to be there#like his energy seemed very different from yesterday he was less silly and more reserved ish maybe not reserved but like calm i guess#which like . isnt bad bc ppl dont have to be the same all the time but becauae i have a fucked brain i cant help but think that bc it was#just me today and not me and my classmate that he probably thought i was a bother and that i was boring as hell AUGHHHHHHHHH#i hate this so bad lol when will it be overrrrrrr#ss
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#i wish i could just have one normal conversation where i say the right correct things that are normal#in the right tone of voice and everything#this isnt about anyone or any friend stuff it's about me getting a phone call for a job interview & fumbling it#like idk what it is but the way i talk and interact with people is always incorrect#im saying this on the verge of tears. i try so. fucking. hard. to interact and be social#and make connections with people and it feels like im a fucking space alien making a fool of myself#i dont belong in any group ive ever been in and i never will#and i can't even answer a phone call about my availability without my brain melting out of my ears so i forget#everything ive been trying so hard to remember and say and do better#..... i wanna feel like an important person in a group#i wanna be part of something and feel important and like im needed#and i would be missed if i was gone#i think i could just quietly delete all my social media apps and disappear from every place ive ever been in#and nobody would even notice. i literally dont add anything#im just gonna be some awkward random freak in whatever job i get too#im not ever gonna be liked or depended upon or needed for anything#every other job ive had ive always just felt in the way and awkward and clueless#nobody ever makes small talk with me or comes up to me or invites me to stuff#am i doing something wrong? was friendship supposed to come out of it? what did i miss?#im so sick of being a fucking failure i just dont wanna talk to anyone ever again i just wanna be alone forever#its impossible everythign is impossible
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me: shit why cant i tell people close to me that i love them when i havent been smoking
my brain: you dont trust yourself or anyone to say what they actually mean and also *** **** ***** *** *** **** ***** *** *********** ** **** *** ***** **** **, ***** ** * **** ***** *** ***** *** ********* ***** ** *** and when you smoke you typically only say it in a joking context so youre not worried about people taking you seriously anyway
me: ok real and true, pass that shit over here
#problems!#for context i am not actually smoking right now bc its late and ive been crying all day and i dont want to develop any habits#but erm epiphanies be like#genuinely feel fucked up abt this at times. because my sober brain does not like words of affection or admiration#or at least. doesnt take them well#im so used to backhandedness or apathy or ambivalence that like. the idea of someone saying they care about or love me#is very. perverted in a way. terrifying is a better word but honestly its like a switch turns on in my brain when ppl say that to me#that just Assumes The Worst or twists it into something terrible and awkward and then i just. dont say it back or i deflect#and then when im stoney baloney i say it more and im more affectionate and its like the switch isnt even part of the wall anymore yk?#and ONLY when i smoke sativa 😑 indica keeps me normal i fear#this just means that i have to be more careful when i smoke now i dont wanna give off the impression that im some sort of ooey gooey mf
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i am still so out of it from the days of not being able to takw my meds i have never felt this way in my life everything feels so wrong i feel so distant i just want 2 cry but i cant
#i was hoping by taking them n then sleeping it would reset my brain into being normal but. it did not :(#everything is so. foggy. heavy#i cant think properly#none of the words i say are my own#im just coasting waiting to be matched in and it's not happening#i feel like i have a constant migraine except theres no pain theres just the dissonance and shaking && pressure#and everything is So bright#i am saved from the extreme overstimulation that was happening but now im onto something Different#not better or worse but different#i feel so lost nothing feels right nothing feels safe#im trying to jsut watch a vod or play game i normally do to escape it all but it isnt working#it isnt safe anymore i cant lock myself in im just . out here. watching#physical anxiety has been aided but my mental one is buzzing
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i’m in a new relationship, for the first time in two years actually, and on the one hand i’m so happy because my gf is really nice and understanding and a good person and so beautiful. but on the other hand i’m so scared that she will leave me because of my bipolar and adhd, like my ex did and who’s the reason i haven’t dated anyone ever since she broke up with me. and the thing is. i’m medicated, in therapy and very much keeping myself on my toes to make sure my bipolar doesn’t hurt anyone but me and yet i still feel like no one will ever truly love me because i’m doomed to be ‘the crazy one’ and “you’re great but i thought it would look differently” one and i just want it to stop. i want to be seen as a normal person. i hate that when i get into a relationship i have to go through a “things you should know about before dating me” conversation or i’ll be seen as a liar. i hate it all so much.
#very much in my saboteur era#i’ve had numerous conversations about it with my therapist#but i feel like i will never be able to just live my life normally#most of the time i don’t really care i’m diagnosed with bipolar#as in i don’t think about it#i just take my meds and try to use all of the techniques im taught not to be manic or depressed#but then a major life event comes and all i can think about it how much i suck#also the fact that when my ex gf was breaking up with me she kind of made it about my condition#its very much NOT helping rn#bc logically i know my current gf isnt my ex#but my brain says it WILL happen again#god i hate it#bipolar#bipolar disorder#actually bipolar#bipolar type 2#bipolar tag#adhd#actually adhd#neurodivergence#actually neurodiverse#mentally unstable#mental illness#wlw#very personal#moira speaks
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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place
#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd#but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well#just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well#which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out#which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore#its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi#see the other thing is#if i talk about my mental health at all#people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint#or feel sorry for me which i also dont want#all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all#like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff#i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly#im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares#i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to#and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one#they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored#im losing my mind steadily#and thats not even onto the physical problems#but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying#‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket#if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your#fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces#sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues#but then i talk to other women and it is#it just doesnt make sense and i hate it#but i never rly got help on private insurance either so#tbd#depression cw
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