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moondustis · 4 years

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killjoy: rabbit hole (m)

pairings: johnny + reader / mark + reader genre: angst, band!au / word count: 6,8k summary: There’s a lot you could say and there’s the thing you should definitely do, but for some reason you find yourself in the rabbit hole again. warnings: age difference, kind of asshole johnny, mentions of drinking, smoking and drug use, cheating, fighting. disclaimer: this is fiction and not in any way a real representation of the actions or personalities of the people mentioned.

✦ part 1 < part 2 / masterpost

In the end it’s very easy to forget that the whole thing even happened, Johnny had just been a boy in your life and now it was over. A week passes, then two and after a month the image of his face is wiped from your mind.

Winter break comes one month after it happened, and it’s still a far memory on your mind. You finish up with your assignments and enjoy the free time you get. Sometimes you drag Doyoung to clubs downtown that you both hate but you like it much better than the ones you used to go. You don’t have to watch live bands or kiss strangers anymore.

But then Mark Lee texts you on a late friday night and it’s so cliche and so lame that you roll your eyes before texting him back. You don’t realize the implications of it before it’s much later on that same friday night and you toss around in bed with unpleasant thoughts until the sun puts you to sleep.

Again, you were never the best at making wise decisions, you act too much on impulse for your own good. So you say yes to Mark’s date proposition, for a reason that escapes your understanding. Doyoung says it’s because you’re lonely. You deny it, because you’re doing just fine.

When the day comes, you stand in front of your mirror after putting on a nice outfit and lipstick to match. There’s a feeling in the pit of your stomach that you shouldn’t be ignoring, but you do, walking out of the door after bidding Doyoung goodbye.

When you arrive at the bar Mark invited you to, he is already there, sitting on a stool and looking a bit nervous. You would find it endearing if you weren’t just as much.

After you have said your hellos and he compliments you on how pretty the lipstick shade looks on you with the same color taunting his cheeks, you sit down by his side and sip on the sweet pink drink he ordered for you. It’s pretty and it makes your insides fuzzy.

“It’s been a while since you went to see us perform.” He says after you assured him that you didn’t want anything to eat. “Kinda missed you.”

You swallow a lump in your throat, taking a good look at him. He wears all black, simple and nice and his hair is parted in a way that contrasts nicely to his round eyes. The single earring he has on one ear twinkles with the lights from the bar and if you look closely so does his eyes. “Been a little busy with school and work.” You don’t say you missed him too, no reason to lie so soon.

He hums, taking a sip of his drink. “Taeyong told me that Doyoung told him, you’ve been overworking yourself.” You let out a laugh at that. Of course Doyoung would say something like that to a person that barely knows you, he liked talking about people he loved.

“I haven’t.” You reply, raising one eyebrow. “Gossiping with your bandmates about my life now, are you?”

“Was just making sure you were okay.” He laughs too but looks bashfully at your accusation. “What are you working with?”

“Ah, It’s just a bakery downtown. Not very exciting.” He seems to disagree, his mouth curving in a smile as he begins to ask about baked goods and how much he likes chocolate flavored things.

You have always been wary of new people, often reading them to find their flaws and signs that they weren’t as nice as they seemed, but as the date goes on you find out that Mark is sweet in a genuine way, sometimes even a bit too innocent. He’s different from the boy that kissed you that day at the club, less intimidating. But again, you didn’t do a lot of talking then.

He talks about music and his hometown and what he likes to do in his free time. Talks about his major in Computer science and how he dropped out of it after two months because he was just so bad at math. He asks you about the same things and seems truly interested when you start babbling about your major in fashion and the last Gucci collection. It makes you feel warm in a way, the initial worryness you felt melting away.

After the date, while you wait for your uber to arrive, he tells you that you are very pretty and it makes you feel butterflies inside. When he kisses you, softly and unsure, you kiss him back with determination, the only way you know how to do this.

When you get home that night, Doyoung is already asleep so you don’t tell him how Mark made you feel important for the first time in months.

✱

You go on two more dates with Mark until you let him kiss you again, inside his car with rain pouring outside. Your hair is messy from it and his jacket has droplets of water on it when you grip it to deepen the kiss. Five more dates and he becomes the third guy to ever fuck you. He’s so sweet even at that, muttering praises on your ears and he fucks into you on your small bed when Doyoung is away on a wednesday night.

After a month of that he calls you his girlfriend for the first time and it makes the butterflies on your stomach go crazy. You had never dated anyone before but he makes it easy, taking you on dates and not minding when you don’t reply to his texts right away because you’re busy or when you make up lies to why you can’t go to one of his shows.

It’s nice, great even, having someone caring so much for you and the thoughts of Johnny flies from your mind like it had never been there in the first place. You bury the thought that this is maybe just a distraction, that you’re using Mark again. You’re not, would never do that to someone as gentle and nice as he is.

✱

One thing that you were still trying to navigate was how to say no to Mark. He knew how to be persuasive and how to use his puppy eyes against you, so you have to give in and accept when he invites you to one of the shows his band is having to showcase the new song. You can’t deny it this time with an excuse like you did before and something twists in your stomach when he talks excitedly about how Johnny composed the most amazing song they ever had.

You find yourself in a different bar this time, a longer dress and Doyoung still by your side. It had been so long since you saw them play you forgot even how it sounded like, which was an awful thing. What kind of girlfriend doesn’t know her boyfriend’s band songs? All you knew were the songs Mark played for you on his acoustic guitars.

“Are you excited?” Doyoung asks as a red light passes through the stage. Mark insisted you stood very close to it so he could see you while performing.

“Yeah.” You reply, biting your lip anxiously and not moving your eyes from the stage. Your hands are a bit sweaty and you’re afraid you’re going to properly freak out in no time.

“Not looking like it.” He teases, finally getting your attention as he raises one eyebrow and offers you his beer. “Wanna sip?”

You just mutter a little shut up before taking the drink from his hand and completely monopolizing it by the way you swing almost ending the whole thing right there. In that moment the lights start to dim and your heart stops for a second, then starts beating like crazy.

The band walks to the stage one by one. Taeyong, then Yuta, then Jaehyun and by the time Johnny takes his place at the drums you’re completely sure this is not going to end well. He looks good, not a thing changed in his whole appearance besides the tattoo on the side of his neck. He’s wearing all black again, chains on his neck and his hair still covering his eyes slightly. You don’t even notice Mark has walked in too until Jaehyun is speaking into the mic.

“Evening, as y'all know we’re The Killjoys.” Everyone cheers at that and the noise startles you a little. “And this is our new song ‘late night’.”

As soon as he stops talking the song starts with strong bass notes from Yuta, who looks smug as ever and a fast drum. From the first line Jaehyun’s voice is deep and he sings almost shouting, like a real rockstar, his hips matching every beat. It’s a pop rock song, nothing like the tired indie they did on the night you first saw them perform. It’s upbeat and loud and fun that you can’t help but dance with Doyoung when he playful hits your hips with his. When the chorus hits the whole band sings a bit together and Yuta lets out a moan that has everyone screaming, your eyes move to Johnny at that moment and you see him smirking.

You keep on watching him, almost like you’re hypnotized, as he moves with such ease that it's a given he’s been doing this for a long time. Then you’re blinking, back to reality, and your eyes move to Mark. There’s a drop of sweat on the side of his forehead as he plays with determination on his eyes.

Jaehyun gets the crowd going with a high note and he’s singing the last line, something about how screwed he is because of a girl.

After they play a couple more songs and it finally ends, with the lights going low and the song changing to something off the radio, Doyoung drags you around to go to their dressing room. You want to say no and walk away, tell Mark you just didn’t feel well and went straight home. You’re good at lying, he would believe it like he did all the other times. But you stay quiet and follow your friend, gripping the almost empty bottle of beer still on your hand.

It goes like this: The waiting room is filled with around ten people, five of them being the band. Mark smiles brightly when he sees you, walking closer until he can lift you up in a hug and kiss you in front of everybody. Yuta lets out a whistle at that and you want to sink to the floor and be swallowed by it. “Finally we’ve got to meet the girl that’s driving our little singer crazy.” He says in a teasing voice, making everyone laugh and you just bashfully smile and say your hellos.

Taeyong comes around with a new drink for you in his hand and he chats a bit with you until Doyoung gets his full attention. Mark keeps his arm around you for the whole time, almost possessive in a way but you know it’s far from it.

You do a good job of ignoring Johnny, keeping your eyes on the nail polish that’s coming off your short nails. It works until Mark leaves your side with a kiss to your cheek to go and talk to his manager..

It’s predictable, the reason you didn’t want to be alone in the first place but at the same time your mind screams to come up with a reason for Johnny to come close to you while everyone else in the room is busy with something else and mutters the lowest ‘hello’ possible. The shirt he’s wearing has now the top two buttons opened, revealing black ink on his chest.

“Hi.” Is your reply, voice as low as his and eyes not daring to look.. You start to pick up on your cuticles with your thumb.

“Pink suits you.” He says, nonchalantly and that’s all. No ‘how have you been’ or ‘it’s been a long time.’ Certainly, no apologies, he doesn’t own you one after all, your mind supplies.

“Thanks.” You look down at the pink skirt you had decided to wear because it was your favorite and you hoped it would bring some sort of comfort. For some reason you think about how he doesn’t know your favorite color is pink, or how he doesn’t know much about you at all other than the fact you’re friends with Doyoung and his presumptions about who you are.

He shifts from leg to leg, and looks at the rest of the room for a second as if he’s looking for what to say. “It’s been a minute since I saw you here.” Are the words he decides on.

“Yeah, been a little busy.” You reply and it’s not a lie this time. You continue picking up on your cuticles, not noticing it’s already bleeding from how much you’re doing it.

“Busy going out on dates with Mark?” His voice has no emotion to it even if the words don’t sit well with you, making you raise one eyebrow. He sounds bored, almost but you know he’s trying to tease.

“Yeah, sure, I don’t have much to do with my life besides going out with a boy.” You bite back and he lets out a laugh, one that pisses you off tremendously.

“I see you haven’t changed a bit, pet.” He says, voice amused and the little name makes you want to punch him in the face at the same time it sends a tingle on your body.

You take a sip of the drink Taeyong got you, swallowing it dryly and you finally let yourself meet his eyes. “Neither have you.” You say as you take a look at his face. He looks more tired now that you’re looking closely, his dark circles a lot deeper from the last time you saw him. You analyze the new tattoo on his neck but can’t decipher what it says.

“I’m gonna head outside to smoke, how about that?” He says, raising one eyebrow at you and taking his lighter out of his pocket.

Your eyes move to Mark, who’s still chatting excitedly with Kun, and then to Johnny again noticing that he had followed your eyes and now had a small smirk on his lips. “I think I’ll pass.”

“Suit yourself.” He says, with the smirk still on his face and leaves the dressing room.

You stay there, taking small sips of the drink as you watch everyone talk amongst themselves for about six minutes until you’re muttering a quit ‘fuck’ and moving out of the room until you’re opening the doors to the back of the club.

“Changed your mind pretty fast, huh?” Johnny says teasingly the moment you step outside. He has his back pressed to a wall, cigarette between two of his fingers as he exhales some smoke. The scene is so familiar that it makes a shiver run through your body.

You get your own cigarette from your purse, from a closed pack you bought last week with the goal to start smoking to calm yourself down. A dumb mistake but now felt like the perfect time. “Shut up and light me up, will you?”

He does so, laughing and you watch him bring his lighter close to your face and lights it up. There’s no time for you to regret it as you take a drag and let the smoke warm you inside, closing your eyes in what could be seen as bliss, but it’s not.

“Didn’t take you for a smoker.” Johnny says, words a bit muffled from him holding the smoke inside.

“Why? Because I’m too young?” You say exhaling and turning around so you’re looking at him from where you have your own back pressed against the wall. Your words have just a tiny amount of annoyance on it. Everything with Johnny seems to end up in that.

He giggles almost, blowing the smoke on your face as if to piss you off even more. “Yeah, since you’re all innocent and stuff.” He says in a mocking voice.

“You would know it.” You joke naturally, annoyance still in your voice and he laughs loud enough now that you can’t help but laugh too.

When the laughter dies downs the two of you continue to smoke in silence and you’re glad you’re wearing warmer clothes today because there’s a cold wind blowing at your hair.

Johnny finishes his cigarette and you watch him drop it to the floor and step on it before he’s breaking the silence by clearing his throat. “I see you’ve gone out of your way to make me jealous.” He says and it takes a while for his words to descend on you. When they do, you look at him with the most baffled look you manage.

“What?” You reply incredulously with your voice going a bit high. “Are you fucking kidding me? You think I’m with Mark to get to you?”

“Why else? Last time I checked you weren’t that interested in him.” You can’t believe this is really happening right now and you have to hold yourself back from burning him with the tip of your cigarette. You feel angry and on top of that stupid, for even giving Johnny a piece of your time again. You feel dumb for falling for another one of his traps.

“You’re so full of yourself. Really haven’t changed a thing, have you?” You say, throwing your cigarette at him before you walk away. “Go fuck yourself, asshole.”

And then you leave.

✱

The next time you know you’re going to see him is at Yuta’s birthday. The party is already filled with people and loud music from the moment you step in, hand in hand with Mark and a small black dress he bought for you on.

You both start drinking pretty early, downing shot after shot of tequila until there’s a nice buzz filling your brain. It’s been a while since you felt this calm. You dance for a little before Mark drunkenly falls asleep around 2AM on a couch and you’re left to wander alone at the party.

It’s how you find yourself in the kitchen, filling a cup of some colorful drink for yourself while humming a song that’s stuck on your head. It’s how Johnny finds you.

“Hey there.” He says, voice soft and when you turn at him his eyes are bloodshot red like he has been high all night. “Fancy seeing you here.”

You scoff before you start laughing sarcastically. “Can’t say the same about you.” You drunkenly reply, doing your best to hop on the kitchen’s aisle so you can sit down. He moves to help you but you swat his hand away, getting on it by yourself.

“So, where’s Mark?” He asks leaning on the wall behind him.

“Asleep.” You reply curtly, taking a sip of your drink and let your legs dangle from the aisle.

He just hums and it’s quiet after that, none of you making an effort to talk. Someone walks in a few minutes later, gets a drink, stares at the two of you like the scene is abnormal and then walks away.

“Listen, I’m sorry for what I said.” His voice is slurred, clearly high off something or multiple things. He stops leaning on the wall and moves as if he wants to get closer but decides against it. “I’m-”

You cut him shortly. “What? Are you gonna tell me you’ve been through some shit and that’s why you act like a fucking asshole?”

“Well, yeah.” Is his dumb reply and he looks a bit lost.

“You’re not the only person in the world that has a bit of trauma to work with, you don’t get a pass for being a dick because of it.”

He lets out what sounds like an incredulous laugh before a look of confusion and just the smallest bit of sadness passes through his eyes for less than a minute. He looks troubled as he moves closer to you, his eyes low as they meet yours and a faint smell of weed hits your nose as he gets closer.

This is dangerous, your mind provides as he stands in between your legs and puts his hands on the cold tile around you. You shouldn’t let him get so close that you can feel his breath, and can smell him perfectly. Shouldn’t let him get so close that you can finally see that the word on his new tattoo is something in french that you don’t understand. “Listen, I’m a fucking asshole, okay? I know that and I’m sorry for saying all that shit.” He almost whispers, voice so low that it’s like he’s telling you a secret. “It’s just, I… I don’t know, I’m selfish.”

You watch as he stumbles slightly with his words, your own mind a little fuzzy from the drink that’s now forgotten next to the sink. “Selfish?” You ask, voice as low as his as if to not disturb what is happening.

He lets out a breath, almost a sigh, one of his hands moving to your face and brushing a strand of hair that’s fallen on it. He shouldn’t do that. “Yeah… I’m selfish because seeing you with him makes me so fucking jealous.” You’re speechless, a bubble of anger forming on your stomach but you fall putty when he moves his face close to yours, almost melting himself as he nuzzles on your cheek with his nose like a cat. “He gets to touch and kiss you instead of me ‘cause I’m an asshole.”

There’s a lot you could say and there’s the thing you should definitely do, which is get up and leave and never talk to Johnny again or give him space to try and lure you. You remember the day at the club, when he had done it so well, gotten you exactly where he wanted. Johnny hadn’t changed a bit, you try to remind yourself, he’s still a demon playing games with your mind. Games that you’re still falling for. “Yeah, you’re an asshole.” You say but your voice is breathy, and your mind twirls around a little when he gets face to face with you, noses touching and he looks wrecked. You probably look the same.

He moves in closer than possible, your hands immediately moving to grip at the front of his t-shirt, and then he tries to kiss you. There’s nothing you could blame it on, really. Not on the alcohol in your system because you know very well you’re still sane enough to know this is wrong and certainly not on your ability to make the right decisions because you’re grown up, and if this falls on your lap later you’ll have to deal with it. Still, you let him touch his lips to yours for a second.

You don’t kiss like you did that day, like there’s a promise on the tip of Johnny’s tongue, as it makes past your lips, that you both know he won’t keep. You kiss for only that second and then you’re pushing him away.

“You drive me crazy, princess.” He mutters. “Make me want to eat you up and make you mine.”

The word ‘mine’ seems to do something to snap you out of it because in no time you’re pushing him away completely and getting up from the kitchen aisle. “Fuck, fuck.” You whisper to yourself, your hands shaking and your heart beating too fast in your chest. Johnny calls your name but you’re moving too fast out of the kitchen, eyes moving wildly as you start picking on black paint on your nails.

You find Mark just as he’s waking up on the couch, looking a little lost and sleepy. When he sees you and the look you have on he looks alarmed and gets up from the couch to get to you in no time. “What’s wrong, baby?” He asks voice soft and you feel a tug on your stomach when he pats your head lovingly.

“Just feeling a little sick from drinking too much.” You're a good liar, always have been, but it never bothered you as much as it does now. “Can we go home, please?”

“Of course.” He says, worry painted on his face. “I’ll just get us an uber and we can get home, princess.”

Like in a movie, just as he finishes calling you that you feel your body going weak and then you’re puking all over Yuta’s living room’s floor.

✱

Guilt is something that becomes easy to deal with after some time, just an annoying feeling that hits sometimes and makes your heart feel heavy. Mark kisses you and you kiss him back, he says the words that make your heart feel the heaviest and you say it back. You decide you’re not lying, just pretending. Pretending it never happened and pretending you never think of Johnny.

Spring comes and you are busy as ever once again. You wake up at 6h30 to get to college at 8h, then you get home and have ramen for lunch before going to work until it’s time to go home again. You like the routine even if sometimes you are too tired to function or go out with Mark.

Doyoung gets a dog on a random tuesday. A small fur thing that he names Puppy for fun and at first you are worried that the dog will be lonely but it works out fine. He takes a liking to you and you bask in the attention, letting it sleep in your bed, making Doyoung jealous because after all it’s his dog.

Everything is as normal as possible until one saturday night, when you are on the couch with Puppy in your lap, you get the text.

(unknown number)

20:43 hey

20:43 it’s Johnny

Your breath hitches and then your brows are frowning. It’s been almost two weeks since the thing you’re trying so hard to forget about. You don’t know what to do, hands shaking as you look incredulous at the device in your hand. He knows you’ve read it, imessage and it’s stupid read receipts.

you

20:50 how did u get my number?

Johnny

20:55 i have my ways

you

20:56 well that’s not creepy at all

It’s a little while before he sends another one and you can’t just shake the weird feeling in your heart. Of all things, you shouldn’t be texting Johnny right now.

Johnny

21:10 lol

21:15 im texting you to apologize

21:16 about the kiss and the shit i said

you

21:18 please don't talk about that

21:19 i don't care what about ur apologizes

21: 20 or about you dont text me

Johnny

21:24 cmon im really fucking sorry

21:26 can you come over so we can talk?

21:26 i promise it'll be quick just need to get it off my chest

It’s stupid how easily you give in, but again you have never been the best at making decisions. So you get up from the couch, with a whining Puppy trailing behind you as you change into clothes to go see a boy you shouldn’t see.

When you get there Johnny, wearing a band t-shirt again like the cliche he is, lets you in the messy dorm that you have never been to, even if your boyfriend lived there. It has a couch that looks old in the middle with a lot of instruments on the floor and he leads you to his room in the back of the corridor.

“You can sit on the bed if you want.” He says, gesturing to the bed that takes the most space in the room. You do as he says, sitting down with your hands in your lap. You look around his room and decide that it matches him very well, with the computer and tech that you don’t recognize on a big desk, band posters on the wall and a bunch of vinyls on a shelf. “I‘m sorry about the mess.”

“It’s whatever.” You reply, shrugging as he sits down on the chair in front of the desk. “You’ve got the DAMN collector’s edition vinyl?”

He follows your eyes and hums when he spots the vinyl sitting on his shelf. “Yeah, had to eat $1 ramen for a month to get it but it was worth it.” He says, turning in his chair to stare at you. “You like Kendrick?”

You nod, a bit excited. “Of course, he’s the best out there.” He smiles at that and your heart does a weird thing. You’re reminded again that you shouldn’t be here having a nice talk about music with the person you cheated on your boyfriend with like it was nothing.

“He sure is.” He replies and then it’s quiet for a second, you not having anything to say and him looking like he’s trying to find the right words.

You wonder where the others are and how long it will take until one of them arrives. The last thing you want is for someone to see you here and tell it to your boyfriend. Or worse, Mark himself coming in and finding you. “You said it would be quick.”

He looks startled, frustrated even, moving around and his mouth open and closes before he says anything. “Yeah, fuck, sorry. It’s just, I’m…well, I’m not good with words.”

“You’re a songwriter.” You reply without missing a beat and he looks at you pained.

“That’s not what I mean, can you let me finish?” He sighs, turning to his computer so he can click on things that you don’t bother paying attention to. “I’m not good with talking about feelings and all that, so I made a song for you. Well more about you than for you… but still.”

“That’s kind of corny don’t you think?” The words just come out of your mouth without thinking much. You feel like you’re stuck to the bed at just the mention of him making a song for you. It sounds extreme, like something that will just make things even more complicated.

“You really not gonna let me catch a break, huh?” He sighs again, this time laughing but still pushing his hair out of his face in frustration. He presses play on a track unnamed on the computer, not giving you space to speak anymore. “Just listen to the damn song, yeah?”

You stay still, hands in your lap as you pick on your cuticles. The song starts with a calm beat, almost r&b-ish and it sounds very professional for a song that he made in this tiny room and not in a proper studio. A voice starts singing and it takes you a moment to realize it’s Johnny’s, slightly deep but warm. He sings about how he is selfish for wanting a girl he can’t have and how the girl’s boyfriend is mad because he can see her lip gloss on his lips.

You listen to the whole thing in silence, blinking and feeling your heart grow heavier and heavier. It makes you want to cry but at the same time you feel completely detached, like you’re not really in the room at the moment, just floating around.

“I didn’t know you could sing.” Is what you say after the song ends, him looking at you with shiny eyes and a slight blush painting his cheeks, like he expects something

He shrugs. “Don’t do it very often.”

You hum and he doesn’t add anything to that, like he’s at a loss for words just stares at you as you look down at your nails. “I-I’m-Listen… You’re really talented, Johnny, and the song is very nice. But I can’t pretend nothing happened like you seem to want to.” You rip a cuticle too deep and watch as your finger starts bleeding a bit. Your voice sounds strained even to yourself. “Every time I look at you, or even just like, think of you, it makes me remember that I cheated on the only guy that ever cared about me and it makes me literally sick.”

You take a deep breath, moving your eyes up and meeting the broken look on his face. “Trust me, I tried to pretend it was okay but it isn’t.” You continue, getting up from his bed and he does the same, trying to move closer to you and stop you from leaving. “And a song isn’t going to fix it.”

“That’s not-.” He tries, his hand gripping at his hair like he’s trying to get it together. “I didn’t think it would. That’s not- I’m not trying to fix it.”

“Then what are you trying to do?” You ask, crossing your arms as you look at him.

“I don’t know.” He lets out a pained sigh, eyes boring into yours as he almost pleads for you to understand.

“Please don't text me again.” You say finally and he lets you leave.

When you get home you cry for the first time in months, heart bursting and feeling like it’ll shrink itself inside your chest. Puppy tries to lick at your face in a soothing way but it only makes you cry even more.

✱

In the end it was painfully obvious that it would all come crashing down sooner or later.

It’s 1AM and Johnny is in the dorm’s old and slightly smelly couch talking to Jaehyun when Mark storms in and the door closes with a loud noise. He knows, not from all that, but from the angry look on his face that he’s mad and Johnny doesn’t need the first punch to know why.

He gets up from the couch just as Mark walks close enough to get his fist directly on his cheek, almost hitting his nose. Johnny had been punched before, not by Mark who rarely even got this angry, but it still hurts, so much that it serves right to rile him up enough to want to fight back. He shouldn’t. “What the fuck?” Jaehyun says, voice alarmed. He gets up from the couch as well and tries to separate them but Mark is livid, screaming curses and looking like he wants nothing more than to scream until he’s crying.

“You’re a fucking asshole.” Mark’s voice sounds strained as he lurches forward again and grabs Johnny by the shirt. It’s kind of a stupid move because Mark is small compared to him but still as he looks down on him, his eyes are big and teary like a puppy about to cry.

“No shit, genius.” He says, pushing Mark away with a bit more force than he should have.

“Why did you go and mess with her, huh?” Mark says, his voice filled with poison and hurt. He moves closer and closer again until he’s face to face with Johnny. “You have all those other girls begging for you and you had to go for her.”

He wonders just how much he knows of it. He looks hurt enough to know about the kiss but not about the fact they had sex, but Mark was always good at bottling things up so maybe he was not letting it all out.

“What the fuck happened?” Jaehyun asks, clearly confused.

“This son of a bitch kissed ____.” Johnny almost laughs at his naiveness, if a kiss was all that this was it wouldn’t be half as bad. He can imagine the scene perfectly, you with the innocent look on your eyes that you are so good at doing, the lies spilling from your lips about how Johnny kissed you and you just pulled away. “And he’s been texting her, I saw every fucking thing.”

Mark pushes Johnny then, making his back hit the wall with a small thud. He can’t help but laugh then, anger bubbling on the pit of his stomach at how annoyed he is by this whole thing. “You went through her phone?” Johnny says sarcastically. “That’s very classy o-”

“Are you two really fighting over a girl like we are the fucking beatles or some shit?” Jaehyun interrupts and Johnny bursts out laughing, only pissing Mark more but it's clear he tries to contain his laughter too.

“That's so messed up, Johnny.” He spits, almost yelling. “You wanna go around messing with your life then do it, but stay away from mine.”

Johnny scoffs, lurching forward. “She’s your property then, huh?” He says a loud voice dripping with poison, head tilting to the side in a mocking way. He knows he’s going to regret this but he has never been good at controlling his actions. “She’s yours but she still let me fuck her tight puss-”

He doesn’t get to finish because in no time Mark is on him punching his face like he wants to ruin it. He just lets him, never cares much about physical fights when he can make someone just as mad with his words.

When he was in high school, Johnny never had many friends. He was always a quiet thing, his mother would say, and later on that translated into some kind of rudeness. It just started as some kind of hatred towards the world and how things never seemed to work in his favour, and then it just made sense. Why would he care for anything when no one gave a fuck about him. But then he had met Jaehyun, who didn’t care much about his behavior, and alongside came all the rest of the band and for the first time Johnny felt like he belonged somewhere, with people that cared for the same stuff he did and for him.

Now, as Taeyong rushes into the room to get Mark off him with Jaehyun’s help, he realizes he just ruined it all. For a girl he barely knew of all things, how stupid. “I don’t fucking care, Jaehyun.” He hears Mark say. “I’m not gonna be in a band with this son of a bitch.”

In the end it was painfully obvious how everything would crumble down. When has it not when it involves him?

✱

When you were a child you always thought spring was supposed to always be nice. Not one bad day was allowed when the sun was out and the flowers blossoming. Growing up you learned that the season didn’t matter, if a day was going to be bad the sun outside and the flowers would not stop it.

The feeling of emptiness that you have grown so used gets worse and worse as the days go by and you wait for things to finally explode in your face like you know they will.

Mark forgives you a little too easily, after you tell him, and it only makes you feel guiltier. You finally decide that breaking up would be the best options, just hope that he won’t make it harder than it already is when you finally decide to do it.

With that in mind, you should have said no when Doyoung told you to get ready to go out. You should have left the moment he started talking about how Mark’s band had a show tonight. But you don’t, so you find yourself in the rabbit hole again, feeling overwhelmed by all the people around and the dim lights as everyone waits for the show to start.

You text Mark letting him know you are here before the show starts and he just replies with a smiling emoji. You take three shots straight after.

The show starts and unlike last time your heart stays quiet in your chest and you try to let it go, the alcohol in your system helps a lot as you dance with Doyoung. They play all their old songs and it all seems like the usual until a beat that you have the strange feeling of knowing starts.

Jaehyun sings about being selfish as the rest of the band plays a slow and calm beat and it dawns on you that this is the song Johnny made for you. You feel dizzy all of the sudden, gripping to Doyoung’s arm and staring at your boyfriend on the stage as the song continues. “What’s wrong?” He asks, close to your ear so you’ll listen.

You just shake your head, feeling your eyes water as the song continues. It’s so painful and too much. There’s no way Mark doesn’t know what the song is about and it’s like a hundred punches to your chest watching him sing it.

When the song finishes everyone screams and the lights get a bit more bright. Jaehyun clears his throat in the mic and everyone cheers for him. “We wanna thank everyone that came for our goodbye show tonight.” He says and you frown a little, not understanding it until he continues. “We’ll be going into a hiatus for a little time, but hopefully we will be back soon to share our songs with you. Thank you.”

Mark leaves the stage hurriedly as soon as Jaehyun finishes talking and the cheers get louder and louder. You meet Johnny’s eyes for the first time that night and the world seems to be floating around you.

----

taglist: @jaetographies @moonjaejohn

#nct smut #nct scenarios #johnny smut #johnny scenarios #tagging it as smut but theres no smut on this chapter :p #mark scenarios

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