#'im gonna kms' ??? not funny. makes me uncomfortable. makes me not want to joke with you anymore

[fefairys]

suicide jokes are such a Problem like im in a group where someone asked everyone to please stop making suicide jokes around them because it's extremely triggering to them, and even though they all said they'd stop, some of them still do it sometimes on accident because it's just second nature to them to say "im gonna kill myself" as a joke.

and a lot of people justify it by saying "well i struggled with/struggle with suicide so i can joke about it" and like man ok??? i fucking guess?? but you need to be able to turn it off (ALL THE WAY) when someone asks at LEAST.

and even still, it's not healthy to constantly "joke" that you want to kill yourself, ESPECIALLY if you really do. if your constant knee-jerk response to stuff is "im gonna kms" it's going to feed into your actual suicidal ideation and make it worse. find a new thing to say.

[basileafpitch]

haha yeah so im gonna rant here for a sec but yall can just scroll by i just want to get this out

(and im sorry i cant figure out how to cut it so you’re just going to have to scroll by fast lmao)

ALSO TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicide, death, and self harm (not graphic) mentioned below

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yes, it’s that time of year again. school’s back in session, and students are either “yay i love school” or “ugh school makes me want to kms”

and we all say that, “kms”, in a joking way. i say it often, just to be dramatic and make people laugh.

but yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day, and i want to address that that’s not always funny. especially to someone who has struggled to the point of contemplating suicide.

i’ve had depression since i was in sixth grade. since i was eleven years old. i’ve dealt with a lot of mental health and emotional and mental trauma. and it really hadn’t bothered me up until last year, when i was going through a really tough period to the point of slight self harming (i’ve never cut myself, but when i would have a panic attack or get very upset about something i would scratch myself).

people nowadays always say “oh yeah im depressed. i’m always sad”. and sometimes thats what depression is like. but a lot of people forget to remind themselves that self diagnosed depression and/or feeling depressed is not the same as what other people diagnosed with depression are like.

there are periods when it comes and goes. one minute i’ll be laughing with a friend, or watching a comedy with my family, and the next moment i’ll be having a panic attack, crying in my room about how i dont think im a good friend, or a good sister, or a good daughter. i know deep inside that i am all of those things, but its hard to know when you have these negative feelings rushing through your head every. single. day.

it is almost my friend who died two years ago’s birthday. she would be thirteen this year. her parents told me that her twin brother talks about killing himself to join her.

i only have a few classes with my friends this year. every other class i am with people i do not know personally, and yes i could just strike up a conversation like my mom tells me to do. but i’m a likeable person. if they wanted to talk to me, or were interested in being my friend, wouldn’t they have tried to talk to me at least once in my five years of knowing them?

maybe it’s because many of them know about my mental health situation. they were all informed in a class meeting about it six years ago, when it was so bad that i was out of school for two weeks having small seizures. that situation probably made many of them uncomfortable, and now they do not talk to me. maybe they’re simply not interested. and thats fine, too.

but i am having a hard time. not like everyone else who says that they “have trouble getting up in the morning”. sometimes i have trouble getting up because i don’t believe that anyone would care. sometimes i feel like my body is numb, and i simply cannot move it. sometimes my body is shaking, another panic attack thats telling me to run.

i will be okay. always tell yourself that you will be okay. because six years ago, when i was ready to be homeshooled, and ready to stop talking to people all together, i told myself that i would be okay. and i am beginning to believe it still.

people are struggling all around you, even if you do not know it. reach out to them. even if it is just a small “hello” and smile when passing in the hallway. it goes a long way for someone who feels like they have nothing.

millions of people are lost a year to suicide.

there is not a lot that we can do to simply prevent death. but we can support each other.

this is not a post to make you feel bad for me, or pity me, or send me an “im so sorry” message. this is a post for me to tell you that i am sorry. i am sorry that there are so many others like me that struggle with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, mental illness. i am sorry that you are feeling scared, or hurt, or like you don’t belong on this earth.

i can’t assure you that you do. there are so many people who are already trying to convince you that. that’s not what you need to hear right now. what you need to hear is that you’re not alone. you have others like you around the world, that are having the same thoughts as you. maybe we can be there for each other.

here is the national suicide prevention hotline

to all of those who have lost a loved one to depression or suicide, and to all of those feeling depressed or suicidal, i love you.