#'shut your monopoly ass up. this is a homicide and we're not mall cops' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nyaruhodou · 3 years

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let's go over this one more time. time? we ran out of it a while ago. inspector if you cant find the murderer, i suggest wrapping this up. (yeah) my guests and i grow tired of your department's incompetence. shut your monopoly ass up. this is a homicide and we're not mall cops, alright? (the hell?) and right now you're acting like one suspicious milk mustache bitch. who's this asshole? your worst FUCKIN nightmare. you'll have to excuse jimmy here he's a rookie detective from AAU. second team, all state. the killer broke in the room by jumping from the balcony of a neighboring window. self explanatory from there. (oh god no!) c'mon that'sa 20 foot gap. no one could make that! if you 50/50 and boneless off the rail, you can. (dammit.) well you got the 'how', but who did it? goin by the alibis, only one person here coulda done it. yeah, and? ...sitting right there. uhhh i'm in a wheelchair, kid. you might wanna check your math on that one. yeah check your geography. ah shit! you're not crippled!? jesus christ! A-A-R-I-P. alright let's get outta here before SNL starts. fuck you whores! yo hold up! you have the right to remain silent. anything you- jimmy you can't read miranda rights to a corpse. ya did great, kid. now just work on that ego. what good's bein the one if you're the only one who knows it? (you got that from j. cole.) (i wanna waterboard my dad.) (ayyyy 103.4, the whitest hip hop on air.) oh, god. hey man, it's 2 pm, could you keep it down? oh sorry, jimmy, i was just making pipe bombs out of 4loko and nail polish. sick. (and i'm sick and tired of your bitchass boyfriend, too!) (dad, just chill the fuck out.) god damn dammit! gahhhh! he's the first world famous sleuth out of high school. ehhh he's a fuckin hack. what, just cuz he's young? you know who else came out of high school? lebron james. guess what happened to him. ummmmm, well- GUESS!!! what happened to lebron james, dad? lost the FUCKIN NBA finals! alright. RAGHHHHHH! i still don't get why you quit the soccer team. cuz soccer's bullshit. i dunno, you were pretty good. (i like classical music.) yeah but it's like sherlock holmes always said: any sport where you can't use your hands is conservative propaganda. ...yeah. you might not realize it but sherlock was on some next level shit. y-yknow, here's a dude who played violin AND made the double snapback fashionable. that downey jr movie kinda sucked? yeah maybe but sherlock didn't get this fanmail. how many of those girls are 18? oh.... (fuck, my tic-tacs). why did we come here again? it's fun. this place is for babies. so by 1989 sherlock was number ONE in the country, the youngest in the history- jimmy i really don't give a shit. oh did i mention roller coasters are stupid? let's ride this joint. how the hell d'you get decapitated on a roller coaster. we didn't do nothin, let us go. walking around a theme park in a trench coat makes you suspect for anything. like, i bit my tongue five minutes ago and i think you did it. (he's lookin for trouble.) okay, so 5 passengers but only 3 of em had the reach to do it. what do ya think, jimmy? i already got it figured out. oh, yeah? well then, who? the killer is... that chick! ehh...... she was further away than anyone, what the FUCK are you talkin about!? lemme show you. it's true. if i couldn't have him, nobody can, so i KILLED him! a-actually, i was just joking, but, y'know, way to confess without a lawyer. (fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!) hey i know we're in babyland but you don't have to act like one too. someone just DIED, jimmy. jeez, all your video games made you a sociopath. huh? hm... hey i know you're in need but i gotta jump a bitch, see ya! what the hell, ma? (jimmy... those are nice MN3s.) hey there man, you got the stuff? yeah, i got the stuff. you wanna see it? lay it on me, large man. alright here it is: ten million unmarked dave and buster's bucks. yeah. alright now your end of the deal. the fuck are you doin? huh? ngh! eric, what the hell! sorry dylan i didn't know he was followin me! don't worry about it i got the black market's newest poison.

one cap of this and he's gone for good. get your heavy head over here. yeahhhh drink that kool-aid jammer. aight lets get the fuck outta here. ey ya heard that? yeah it sounded like a coupla trench coats. (ugh... oh my god...) ah nah its just some boy. ('boy', am i in fuckin georgia?) dont worry boy we'll take ya home. (i'm white but this still feels racist.) eyyyyyyy what's goin on? jesus christ what'd you DO all night? Not Another Teen Movie marathon. wh- they only made one of those! yeah, i watched it 3 times. y'know if molly ringwald died in the 80s she'd be like meryl streep right now. that almo... no that didn't make any sense. (what were those cops calling me again?) huh? what!? (oh, that's great.) shit! why- what the... oh, wait... (those trench coat guys... that poison they had...) i really gotta get home. (ey you've reached the jim jam jimmy man always detective signed to young money ymca represent) oh, no. it's been 5 years and he still hasn't changed his answering machine. told you your boyfriend was a fuckin mathlete moron. hngggggh ngh huh? ah shit! doc, what's going on? who are you? what are you talking about? it's me, jimmy. yeah very funny, run along. no, i'm not fuckin around! you're dr randy agasa. 53 years old. you make bullshit experiments and collect checks from the government. wha- why would jimmy tell you a thing like that!? I'M jimmy, you fat, four-eyed, fuck-faced loser! eh- only jimmy makes me feel THAT insecure. but yeah that's one helluva trip, man. yeah why do you have clothes for 6 year olds lying around? jimmy just do me a favor and NEVER ASK THAT AGAIN. (anyone home?) huh? quick, hide! hey, what are you doing here. oh you know, just fuckin around with my desk. grrrr.... huh? you tryin to hide something? uh... hey there, what's your name? co... nan.... yeah conan. conan? kid, your parents suck. they do! social services dumped him off on me as his only living relative. well that's rough. you can stay with us if you want. would you like that, conan? uh, no? (this is bullshit.) so like, what do you do for fun? uhhhh nothing much. do you have a girlfriend? do you have a restraining order? what's this? your new home. oh, cool. (smells like cup noodles with bleach.) rachel you'll never believe what happened- fuckin shit! new job, new client. hop yourself in the cab, bring the kid too! wow, alright. taxi!!! mm! wait up! so we hopped in the cab to check out some case with a rich guy's daughter kidnapped and jesus christ, money makes people CRAZY. some shit went down and uh, long story short, i live with my girlfriend and her dad rent free.

and it's a pretty sweet deal.

#taste closed thursday

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