#'trying to stumble thru something everybody else knows how to do and looking like an idiot'

[hoofpeet]

Why is discord the one thing that still makes me insanely nervouss

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[najikasunart]

@someguywearingametalmask asked:  Alphyne with 18? <3

18 - A Kiss for Encouragement

(tw for suicidal thoughts, depression/anxiety, impulsive actions, and general hard/sensitive topics.)

           [are u still up]

           [Yea, just got home.  You ok?]

           [no]

           [Gimme five mins and Ill be there.  Lab right?]

           [yea]

           Alphys put her phone face-down on the work desk and wiped her eyes with the back of her trembling hand, skin cold and head throbbing.  She forced out as slow a breath as she could manage, which was approximately as slow as a marathonist after a 5k run.  Every part of her felt heavy, especially in her chest and in her limbs, as if they were all made of the same goopy material as the things living deep in the secret lab.

           Which was where she was currently huddled, uncoincidentally.  She knew things were difficult right now, as the Underground only needed collect only one more human soul before the barrier could be broken.  Escape was within their grasp, a feasible goal and a foreseeable future, which under any other circumstances would have had Alphys motivated to continue her research through the many bumps in the road.

           Unfortunately, though, Alphys had never been a very emotionally stable monster to begin with, let alone having to contain and manage somewhere between four and eight terrifying amalgamations she created out of the dying bodies of her kind.  The weight of this secret was enough to force her to the garbage dump most days, away from her work and away from the heavy, heavy weight of her mistakes.  Garbage was her element, after all.  She felt like she belonged with it.  Like she could be herself there.

           Though after some thought, she was sure the garbage could at least manage not to accidentally kill, revive, liquefy, and congeal other monsters.

           Perhaps the garbage was better off living there in Waterfall.

           Alphys snapped her attention back to her lab after hearing pounding on the metal doors of her lab.  She was a few floors under it at the moment, but the sheer force behind Undyne’s door knocking could be heard from anywhere.  She knocked hard enough to send vibrations down the walls of the true lab, her voice almost entirely obscured, but not quite.  Alphys heard Undyne scream her name twelve times or so before anything registered in her mind at all.

           Wow, you’ve outdone yourself, Alphys, she thought.  This is even more pathetic than usual, calling her over and then ignoring her completely.

           What a worthless life you live.

           Alphys couldn’t bring herself to rise out of the swiveling desk chair, not now.  Her body was too heavy and her head hurt too much and everything was spinning out of control and she was stuck here like a chewed wad of gum on the underside of a school desk.  Even just grasping for her phone felt like all the bones in her arm had been replaced with lead ones.

           But she persisted, refusing to give up entirely just yet.  Undyne didn’t deserve that.  Undyne didn’t deserve to be led here for nothing, Undyne didn’t need to—

           [go thru the bathroom door]

           One more text…

           [its an elevator]

           Put down the phone.  No more of that heaviness.

It’s time for a whole new heaviness, one named Guilt.  Guilt likes to rear its hideous, disgusting head anytime anyone else got involved with these mistakes.  These horrific failures that drove Alphys deeper and deeper into her lab and her isolation and her mind.

Because the only reason you even make mistakes in the first place is because you try too hard to make friends, isn’t it?  You just want to be somebody else who lives a life where everybody loves them because they’re normal, and good, and they don’t even have to try to have lots of friends, or to fall in unconditional love, or to succeed at the one thing they’re even good at in the first place. And look at yourself now, you’re surrounded by garbage and taking care of zombies to avoid telling the truth.

You’re a failure.

Blink.

You shouldn’t have let her in.

Blink.

If you care about your future, then leave.

And don’t come back.

***

“Alphyyyyys!!  Alphys, where are you!?”  Undyne shouted frantically, cursing as the elevator slowly descended.  She had no idea where she was going, but if Alphys wouldn’t answer her phone and this was the only lead she had, she would follow it to the other end of the entire Underground.  Having known Alphys through times both thick and thin (mostly thin, she mentally noted, with a burst more anxiety), and having grown closer to her in all her dumb, nerdy glory, Undyne was extremely concerned receiving these vague and almost cryptically simple texts.

The last time she felt this worked up over Alphys was the first time they’d met, with Alphys standing on the very edge of the garbage dump waterfall, just staring into the endless abyss below, watching the trash cascade down with the dirty water.  She’d never seen someone else look that hopeless before, and she’d watched humans die in front of her.  It seemed…more intense in someone who wasn’t fighting for their life.  It was almost like it was the opposite, really. A longing to end it, instead of a striving to protect it.

It was that thought that spurred Undyne to move a bit faster, determined to break her five-minute promise in exchange for a faster arrival.

She arrived in three and a half.

The elevator grinded noisily to a halt on the only other floor available, the basement that Undyne didn’t know existed.  She supposed Alphys did need more room to do whatever sciencey stuff she did, but something this expansive (and dusty…) was unexpected.  Undyne puffed out her chest and exited the elevator, filled with an intense determination to find Alphys, wherever she was in this eerie basement laboratory.

Undyne ran her hand along the wall to try and find a light switch, cursing when she couldn’t.  She reluctantly decided to stick to the right-hand wall.  It couldn’t lead her in circles that way, and though it would take longer, she knew it would be effective at getting her furthest into the lab.  She wanted to say she wasn’t afraid of anything right now, she truly did, but she was afraid of being too late.  So she kept moving, step by sticky step.

A few right turns in, her eyes only just adjusted to the dim light only assisted by the dull green glow of mounted screens, Undyne heard the unfamiliar crunch of glass under her boots.  She attempted to step over it, but her efforts were in vain, as the glass continued to splinter for another few paces before Undyne could move forward a bit more stealthily.  Everything save for the occasional metallic groan and her own footsteps was silent.  

The floors only grew stickier, the walls too, and the bits of glass grew in quantity, along with something softer that stuck to the bottom of the soles of Undyne’s shoes.  The rooms smelled of dust and something vaguely sweet, and mirrors appeared just as often as science supplies did this far in.  As much as Undyne wanted to call out for Alphys, she felt it was too dangerous to do that – Alphys could get hurt if she was startled, right?

Upon removing another sticky something from the sole of her shoe – a flower petal, she discovered, how weird – Undyne took a step back to find whatever plant she’d just accidentally decimated.  However, when her body shifted backwards again, it bumped into something.

Something solid.

Well, almost solid.

Undyne gasped and launched herself forwards, away from whatever’s path she’d inadvertently crossed, and summoned a magical spear.  The blue light pierced through the hallway (Way to go, Undyne, she thought, you could’ve saved all this time using magic) and she was face-to-probably-face with something that was definitely not a monster.  She took another quick few steps back, holding her spear out in front of her in defense, when she saw the thing shift – lurch – towards her, sputtering out a gurgled moan into the dark room.

Undyne did not hesitate to summon a circle of spears around the beast to contain it.  Her reflexes victorious, the hulking being slammed into the spears, but stayed put.  The noise was sure enough to alert Alphys, but if this thing was in the lab, it could also belong to her.  Undyne decided running was a safer bet here, and continued following the righthand wall, spear lighting the way just enough to make out the cracked linoleum flooring.  And as she ran, she began shouting again, shouting for Alphys, hoping to hear a shout back, a voice, a noise; anything at all would have relieved Undyne, but how she did find Alphys was somehow worse than anything she could have imagined.

“Alphys…” Undyne breathed out, spear slipping from her grip as she took a few careful steps forward, towards the lump in the old swivel chair, hunched over in front of five different computer screens.  “Alphys, are you—”

“Stop,” Alphys responded tersely, nerves making even her strongest voice sound weak.  “I-I’m sorry, but…I shouldn’t have—I shouldn’t have called you here.”

Undyne looked confused, and attempted to keep her rough voice low. “What’s that supposed to mean? There’s obviously something going on, your texts are—”

“Yeah, I-I know.  My texts are a mess, I’m—nothing’s working out right now, and you don’t need to-to get involved, I’m sorry…” Alphys stumbled over her words as tears welled up in her eyes, her head resting in her folded arms upon her desk.  She took a quick breath.  “I freaked out, it’s just the same as always.”

Undyne walked a little closer, perhaps to try and soothe the heavy feeling in her limbs.

“Look, Alphys…if you were freaking out, then it’s gotta be coming from somewhere.  And if you can’t tell me about it, then I can’t really do anything about it, right?”

“Nobody can do anything about it now,” Alphys mumbled glumly into the desk.  Teardrops were balancing on the lenses of her glasses.

“Does it have to do with that thing in the lab?” Undyne asked, mentally cursing herself seconds after the question left her mouth.

Alphys nodded but said nothing.  Embarrassment was radiating out like steam, eyes watering and face on fire; she was sitting here crying and wallowing in muddy self-hatred while Undyne was right there!  Was this fishing for compliments?  Or rather, fishing for company?  Fishing for an escape from a problem that couldn’t be solved anymore?  Alphys shook as she took in another breath and fought to steady herself, to make herself look anything like what one would expect from the Royal Scientist.

“This—hhhgk, this is…I’m sorry, sorry, Stars above, I—this is so bad, I-I messed up, but I can’t-I can’t do anything about it, and neither can you, and-and neither could the king, or anybody, okay…?”

Alphys swore aloud to herself and lifted herself up just enough to toss her glasses to the side of her desk and hide her face in her hands, holding her breath to try and refrain from scaring Undyne away by bursting into tears right as she walked inside.  As soon as she began to spit out apologies again, though, she found herself being lifted under her arms from her desk chair and carried out of her study. Alphys didn’t move her hands from her face, didn’t move her body at all, hardly breathed until she was eventually put back down onto something soft.  Even after that, she didn’t move.  It was too hard to move, too hard to look, too hard to take in the world right now.

***

           When Alphys awoke, she found herself in her bedroom, under the covers of her bed.  She looked to her nightstand, put on her glasses, and sat slowly up.  Her body ached, her face felt sticky, and it took a few moments for her to remember exactly what she was doing before she fell asleep.  Though, her memory was soon jogged by the fact that Undyne’s boots were next to her door…

           …attached to Undyne, who was leaning against the door, sleeping.

           Alphys blinked twice before she put the pieces together and gasped sharply, quickly covering her mouth with both hands in hopes that she would not wake Undyne.  However, Undyne rose almost immediately afterwards, her reflexes and instincts that of a true warrior.  There was a brief moment where neither one said anything, and only stares served to convey any clarity to the other.  Finally, Undyne got up, stretched both arms in the air like she was punching the sky, and walked over to Alphys’ bedside.

           Still, Alphys said nothing.  It was a moment where she felt immobilized in her own body, a rare moment where anxiety didn’t just mess her up, it froze her entirely.  But she wasn’t afraid – she was just watching Undyne come over, sitting in her bed with a tearstained face and puffy eyes and crooked glasses, her mind perfectly still for once in her life.  It felt almost freeing.

           It felt especially freeing once Undyne leaned down, placed one hand on Alphys’ shoulder, and pressed her lips to Alphys’ forehead.  That moment seemed to simultaneously a lifetime and a split second before Undyne pulled Alphys into a close hug, tight but gentle, and Alphys felt her hair draped over her arm, and everything suddenly came to a quietus from all stimuli. Everything disappeared, silenced, and dissipated, except for her. Except for Undyne.

           Alphys felt her arms wrap around Undyne’s back and her claws dig into the fabric of Undyne’s top.  Undyne whispered something she didn’t quite understand and Alphys closed her eyes.  Not that it really mattered right now.  Time stopped, life stopped, color stopped, stressors stopped, everything stopped. And it was perfect like that, frozen in the chronosystem, where nothing needed fixing and no one needed saving.

           Alphys tightened the hug, and when she opened her eyes, they were full of hope.

[oflgtfol]

bc i cant stop thinking abt that dream.. im gonna elaborate on it because it was so detailed and so long and felt so real

so it started off with me in a small library but like, it was so cramped and the lights were off. bookshelves were everywhere, and most were like only waist high? strange adults were everywhere, standing against the walls/shelves or sitting in the aisles. all had their hands cuffed behind their backs or in front of them and they all had like, tape or something over their mouths. but there were some adults among them in bullet proof vests and with guns in their hands. i dont know the situation like i dont even think i acknowledged it in the dream but from context clues im p sure it was like a hostage situation

so im in there sneaking around, in the back of my mind i just Know that my parents and my brother are also in the room also sneaking thru the aisles. all the hostage adults are staring at me like, acknowledging that they know im here to help rescue them. so after a few close calls around corners almost getting caught by the gunmen i get to a somewhat open area, meanig that its still cramped but its a small square between bookshelves with a table and 2 chairs. theres a TON of hostages squeezed into this area. i knew that that was the objective, that i had to get there

so me and my family burst forward and the gunmen spot us, but the hostages all help us overwhelm the guys. the gunmen are shooting blindly into the crowd, aiming mostly for me and my family, and SOMEHOW everybody else dodges it but me. literally it went in slow motion and i saw it like in third person, watching it come towards me and i was like “watch it hit me lmao. oh fuck its actually gonna hit me”

so i get shot in my stomach during all this and the pain just, it wasnt all that bad really? like it felt like uhm. getting hit with a water balloon actually (i was just in a water fight yesterday and now upon realizing this its like.... did that contribute to this dream....) so then its all clear like the bad guys are defeated, it gets kinda blurry at this point but i know in some disembodied way that i told my parents after everything wrapped up when they were asking if everyone was okay that i was hit, and they like, didnt care. i was like “HEY i got SHOT in the stomach!” and theyre like k and it took them foreverrrrrrr to get me medical attention. and i wasnt even.. bleeding outwardly? so i was so worried about internal bleeding because like HEY i have a bullet in me so i must be bleeding somewhere like,,, come on lmao

the next like visual thing i remember is in the hospital. its been a while since like, i woke up so this is kinda blurry too but i remember being put into a wheelchair by some nurses.. ive been in a wheelchair only once and that was in 2nd grade but this one i was allowed to use like, on my own, so it threw me off? and at this point i was like, fuck, i’ve been shot before when i was little. i’ve done this before. i had to go into surgery and everything. but it was all vague flashes i could barely remember it but it felt a lot like when i remember the major things from my childhood that i just COMPLETELY forgot about for so long, like speech therapy? like i had gotten injured from a gun when i was less than ten years old and i just, forgot about that? i was like HOW did i forget about this

so i was already in the hospital at this point but for the one room, i wheeled up to the entrance and it felt kinda like the 11th/12th grade cafeteria entrance that i use in school?? a small double door, blank walls, kinda dark, empty, and there was a nurse checking us in. at this point i was surrounded by all my classmates from my ap lang class, or maybe not ap lang in particular idk since like all the ap kids are mostly grouped together despite class? idk man. but my classmates were literally all fine idk why they were there? they werent even there for checkups or anything (disregarding the fact that you dont get a check up at a hospital you get that at a normal doctors office..) so i was there in my literal wheelchair and the nurse was like “wait your turn!!” she was really snooty it was annoying i was like, word for word, “uhm HELLO i have a GSW in my abdomen!!!!!!” and my one classmate finally spoke up as he was being checked in he was like “uh hey brot is here and like, got shot, so i think she should go first lmao?” so the nurse finally smiled at me and admitted me in

and it led to this small cramped room where they scanned your entire body for every single thing wrong with it adn they displayed it on a board where everyone could see, including my classmates, and i was like ohh my god. oh my god. the nurses were like “hm you could eat better but overall you’re in good health!” and i was like DUDE thats embarrassing i dont want everybody to see all my minute issues and LIKE I AM LITERALLY INJURED I HAVE A BULLET IN MY STOMACH WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING MY DIET WHEN THERE ARE MORE PRESSING ISSUES...

so finally we go into the actual room and its this giant giant mostly empty room, im remembering this room from my first go at this from when i was a kid. theres a table in the middle thats pretty big but has.. no chairs around it... but theres puzzles and weird bookmark things scattered around on it to keep you occupied, and then theres a single table far removed from everything else, only long enough for a body and slightly wider, and theres one identical to that on the other side of the room. and i know from when i was a kid that those are for surgeries and like, i KNOW this but i was like, wrow thats unsanitary lmao

so i go to the table in the middle because thats where you’re supposed to wait till you’re called for surgery, but im so ANXIOUS because like.. its surgery... and now im remembering more of it from when i was a kid like im remembering going into it, waking up from it... my classmates are all sitting on the table like its some casual after school thing, theyre all talking

and then i remember from the first surgery. i remember the surgery itself. i apparently wasnt put under for it. i was conscious during it. i was numbed out obviously but like, i was AWAKE, and that makes me SO fucking scared for my upcoming surgery. like, enough that some of my classmates sense that im getting more and more anxious so they start shoving the bookmarks in my face, and the bookmarks are like the weird ones from the library irl that have quotes on them, and like i cant even read any because im just so anxious like im keeled over in the wheelchair so anxious about it, and the fact that my classmates are trying to interact with me during this is just making it worse like i APPRECIATE trying to make me feel better but i CANNOT read right now

and like, i was never called for surgery? im sitting there until the sun sets, but i only know that because i eventually leave the room just needing to do SOMETHING and the hospital lobby, for all the people waiting for patients? is empty and the sky outside is the dark blue kind of like, twilight

i really dont know how this dream suddenly turns, like i cannot remember the breaching moment and idk if its because its been almost 12 hours since i woke from the dream or if there even WAS a breaching moment

but the next thing i know is that me and shannen are running (me wheeling furiously) along the top of some like, wall. and the hospital looming in front of us is now some sort of fortified citadel, and we’re on one of the defensive walls around it, theres towers and spires everywhere in the distance around the citadel. and theres fucking. ANGELS attackign the place. the angels are classic white dress wearing, harp playing, type creatures but their eyes are all closed and black tears are running down their faces, and literally everything else about them is white. the dresses are this weathered white, their skin is weathered white (like, like marble but without the darker lines yknow?), and their eyes + tears are the darkest things on them so they stand OUT. and their mouths are flat lines, also black like as if its like, lineart or something yknow? like their faces look like masks but they arent. they have harps in one hand and then LONG ass swords in their other hands and they are fuckign terrifying

so me and shannen are outside of the main area of attack and we stumble upon this part of the wall thats like, collapsed, and theres a fucking OCEAN next to the citadel. so the stones that have fallen into the water, theres some sort of chariot on it with the same kind of look as the angels, white + black accent kinda look to it. the chariot is low lying and theres a figure laying over it, collapsed, reaching forward at nothing almost like a zombie trying to move? and he.. god i wanna say it was icarus but i really dont know because i feel, deep down that his name started with an e but i have no idea what dude it would be then bc i know it was a guy from greek mythology somehow but IDK WHO... so this guy also has the same vibe as the angels but his face is like, a fuckign mess, like it looked like he was melting (maybe thats why i wanna say icarus idk) but the melted parts were black, plus the black eyes (whcih were semi open) and the black tears and his mouth was kinda open in a silent wail (also black). i wanna say he had black hair too but idk maybe the whole black mass on his overall head was just the melting.. and this melted black liquid is strewn all over the chariot and the stone block thats barely out of the water. and out of the water, behind the chariot, all the angels were bursting forward and heading to the citadel like as if it was the Angel Spawn Point

IDK it was such a weird fuckign sight it looked like a fallen angel but i just knew deep down that it was some guy from greek mythology but I DONT KNOW WHO IT WOULD BE especially with a name starting with e..!!!

anyway yeah i woke up then. the whole angel sequence was super short compared to the rest of the dream, but it was more on par with what i normally dream than the rest? like i dont recall ever having guns in my dreams except for maybe one dream in middle school that was like,,,,, nuclear apocalypse type thing......... and never have i ever been like, INJURED like that in a dream? i’ve died in dreams yeah but ive never been like.. shot.. the closest thing i can think of was that one weird borderline nightmare earlier this year where i died of internal bleeding in school due to school negligence..... hm!

like idk this was just such a weird dream i normally have very very wild dreams with a more fantasy element to them, and the mundane ones are just me in school or on tumblr, like ive never had like, an ACTION MOVIE kinda thing??

and it felt SO REAL like when i woke up i literally thought that i had some sort of repressed gun related traumatic event from my childhood that i was only uncovering now and it was only when i realized that i was in bed and not like, at the hospital with a gun wound in my stomach, that i was like oh haha no thats not real

[serenagaywaterford]

19) ignored her. Damn, I could go and on about this toxic yet fascinating duo, but I'll restrain myself. g) “YAY I’M SO GLAD SERENA GOT BEAT! SERVES HER RIGHT!” There are people that actually said THAT? WOW. No really, WOW. The irony and hypocrisy in that statement! I'm glad that I didn't stumble upon them. h) "on some level I think Serena and some other wives (IIRC) are completely aware of how terrible it is" If I remember correctly Serena looked very awkward/uncomfortable during the first

20) ceremony with June (back in S1), but of course that didn't stop her from going along with it. -_- Plus, she might have been a little jealous that her husband was fucking a handmaid, even if she didn't see handmaids as ACTUAL people. In 2x10, there's a moment (near the end of that horrendous act) where Serena is looking INTENSELY at Fred and maybe that's just me, but I think that she's coming to the realization that what they're doing is SICK. Props to Strahovski for those subtle things she

21) does with her expressions. Sometimes Serena's face says more than her words. i) "I don’t let (Fred) off the hook for it" I don't either! I have to give credit where credit is due. Fiennes' acting is GOOD. Whenever Fred was being particularly awful to either June or Serena in S2, I had those self-indulgent fantasies where she/they clawed his eyes out. (And that probably sounded creepy. I swear I'm not a psycho killer, LOL. I despise violence irl.) It's just that with S2!Fred I know exactly

22) where I stand, I don't give him the benefit of the doubt anymore (well, the chess scene gave me a momentary pause in s1, but nah).Unlike Serena FUCKING no-Joy. What do people around here call them? "Problematic faves." Indeed. j)"I do believe she truly loves Nicole and babies." Oh, she definitely does. In her own twisted way of course. She proves it in the finale, after all. Another moment that made me feel kinda sorry for her was during 2x09. She smiles at that little girl who thought she

23) was a princess bc of her uniform) while she's waiting for the elevator, but the child's mother makes it VERY clear what she thinks of Serena and people like her. She actually seems like she wants to take her child 99999999 miles away from Serena as soon as possible. Can't say I blame her, lol. // END OF RANT

--------

Yes. Quite a lot of people I’ve seen raving that Serena got just what she deserves, both the domestic abuse and the mutilation. Cos, she’s a bad person so therefore ... I just can’t. I can’t. It’s such a terrible fucking opinion that whenever I see it I just want to go full banshee on everybody. There’s a post sitting in my drafts that lengthily deals with someone else’s post saying Serena got what she deserved. Maybe I’ll post it sometime. I just really hate engaging with other people’s posts by essaying at them lol.

So many people going, “Do I feel sorry for her getting beaten by Fred? No, she brought it on herself by being Pro-Gilead! This is what she asked for lol dumb bitch!”

I... yeah. I’ll just leave it for now cos it angers me about how little people are absorbing about the entire fucking premise of this show.

Yeah, Serena vs The Ceremony. I personally believe she’s actually quite conflicted about it overall. (I may be wrong!) I feel like most Wives would be. But she’s also very aligned to the SAVE MANKIND THRU FORCED CHILDBIRTH! idea. Like, in 1x03 when she’s talking to June about how she’s so happy June is so strong because a lot of girls can’t handle it. And she’s like, “What you do and what we do together is so terrible.” looking like she means it. And then catches herself and says some bullshit to cover it up. Clearly Serena hates watching her husband “fuck” some other woman, but I do think it goes beyond jealousy. It would be easy to simplify it to just that but I think Serena is aware to some degree that the Ceremony, if not the entire Handmaid system, is Very Bad. But she does fuck all about it and in fact, that makes it even worse (when she could, if she was a half-decent human being, be more like other Wives that try to avoid doing Ceremonies or at least treat Handmaids like people). Ugh. It’s one thing to be ignorant about it, or even be a True Believer and honestly believe it’s the Right Thing... but quite another to be cognizant of how fucking horrible it is and just participate (sometimes enthusiastically) anyway.

[Then again, there’s that one other Wife (can’t remember her name) that is even more awful than Serena when talking about Handmaids like animals. I actually sort of am fascinated with the dynamics of the Wives with each other, cos it seems so superficial and nasty.]

Yeah, 2x10 ... I had to force myself to watch it a few times to really pick up on the tiny details, especially from Yvonne. Fred is Fred is Fred. I don’t care to give him any benefit of doubt anymore either. But by the end of the ceremony that time, Serena looked rocked. She’s staring at him and then can’t look anymore and then stares down at June looking like she’s just fucking put the pieces together. And runs from the room. I think if people watch the scene a few times and pay attention, they’ll see there is definitely something dawning on Serena. (ABOUT TIME.) And I think that’s where her outburst about rape comes from the following episode. She finally recognises it and can’t be so willfully blind. (I think deep down she knew the whole time but could fool herself--until that rape when June fought back.) 

It’s the little things in Yvonne’s performance that really sold the character for me. (I’d never really been a fan of hers before S2 especially. I’d seen Dexter but meh.)

I’m with ya on the clawing Fred’s eyes out fantasies! LOL. There is at least one other person on tumblr who agrees with us. I remember seeing a similar post months ago. I would LOVE for the two of them to gang up on him.

OMG. I would be that mother 100%. I prolly wouldn’t have even stood there next to her. Drag my kid away before she gets any fancy ideas about the pretty princess lady. I loved how much it hurt Serena. I actually really enjoyed watching her completely miserable the entire time in Toronto cos she realises her life sucks. And I thought it was interesting how she doesn’t get all indignant like I expected when the mother gives her attitude. She always gets defensive and bitchy when people call her on shit but she’s SO subdued the entire fucking time. Granted, part of that is likely due to the domestic abuse a few days back and how out of place she is in Canada, and she has ZERO power... but still. And then in the end of the trip and the Canadian woman is like “How do you live with yourself” and Serena just tears up and says some bullshit blessing thing. (And thinking about how this originally followed a rape has her reaction make even more sense. Cos there's that, but even if she was considering Tuello’s offer, she’s lost her chance by hesitating.) And that bit about “It’s sad what they’ve done to you.” was way harsh and spot on? And then you see Serena very visibly affected by the protests on the way to the plane--which is an interesting contrast to the flashback we saw of her dealing with a rowdy crowd of protesters. She really has become a totally different person.

Yes, problematic fav to the 1000000th level! I don’t think I’ve ever stanned a villain (dark antihero at a push) before and I always looked at people who did like, “What is wrong with you? That person is fucking HORRIBLE!” And like, yes, she is horrible, that's the point, but she’s INTERESTING and ENGAGING, and that is very important to me it turns out, lol. I think there are so many opportunities for stories with her.

[beingmad2017-blog]

20 Tips For Earnings Aspiring Pro Bloggers

New Post has been published on https://beingmad.org/20-tips-for-earnings-aspiring-pro-bloggers/

20 Tips For Earnings Aspiring Pro Bloggers

It’s funny how significant this pro running a blogger dream has grown over the last few years with Tips. It looks like it turned into just the day gone by that word got here out about bloggers incomes a full time earnings online, and suddenly every person and their grandmother are looking to do it, too.

And it kills me to think that so many people are below the effect that they could create a weblog, replace it, plaster commercials all around the place, and make cash.. Yes, it is quite an awful lot the gist of it, don’t get me wrong here. However without a doubt, do you have any concept how tough that is?

I’ve been running a blog for numerous years now. At the same time as I am no longer considered an A-lister by means of any manner, I do make money from my blogging, and feature discovered lots. And of course, I retain to learn new matters every day.

right here’s a long list of things I sense need to be stated about this subject matter:

1) Why do you need to be a seasoned pro blogger?

I need to ask you this earlier than I maintain, due to the fact it’s far the maximum critical of all. Why do you need to blog professionally? What motives, other than money, do you’ve got?

Might you do it for no pay? because let’s face it- it’s miles particularly hard to earn a living from a blog alone. Could you be willing to position within the effort and time required to create a popular weblog, with a high opportunity of your plan failing? Would you’re taking what you’ve learned and attempt once more? And once more? Does it mean that a great deal to you?

2)What do you need to reap together with your weblog(s)? Are your dreams realistic?

three) Remember the fact that running a blog isn’t clean…

I do not care what number of humans say it is, or who they’re for that remember, it definitely isn’t as smooth because it’s made out to be. In order to be “a hit” as a blogger (Fulfillment takes on much paperwork- it depends on your dreams, so I’m being very widespread here), you generally are required to treat your blog as a full-time process.

Many people have a complete time process already, and need to keep it A good way to pay the payments. Now, to go from that to running a blog complete time, It’s normally vital to invest a comparable amount of time into your blog in addition to your activity. And when you have a family and youngsters to attend to, well, it is any other complete time task in itself. What a burden. The majority cannot do it.

But, there are pretty some whose lifestyles conditions healthy up properly with a profession in blogging. I’m certainly one of them. The quantity of unemployed human beings is very high where I live, and It’s difficult to get what most Might name a “actual process”. I have devoted a good deal of my time away from “actual work” to blogging, as well as my numerous tune initiatives. Every of my career desires helps the other, and I’m operating difficult to construct my future.

And it absolutely is not clean.

There are numerous days once I don’t get paid. Then there are days while my economic scenario is asking tremendous. And you by no means Recognize for positive what’s going to occur next. It’s scary now and again. But I love what I do, and virtually sense that it’s going to training session in my favor one of nowadays.

4) …And there is no “satisfied ending”. no longer for a while, at the least.

Like I stated, the consequences of your blogging will vary from each day. You need to hold operating tough at what you’re doing, notwithstanding the “horrific days”, which can be sure to occur now and again.

similarly to that, you should Remember that the blogosphere is continuously converting. It’s vital to keep up with the current times, as well as push to enhance past that. in no way stop learning. by no means forestall trying new matters. Take the whole thing you’ve got found out and use it to push past your present day barriers. Break new floor. As a blogger, your activity is in no way-finishing.

5) You study thru trial and errors.

You’ll make many errors on the way to becoming a pro blogger. If you are terrified of failure, You will possibly never make it. don’t be surprised If you fail in your first strive, or maybe your 10th. simply examine what you probably did incorrect and learn from it. strive something new. maintain attempting. maintain gaining knowledge of.

This applies to many components of blogging. Whether you’re searching for your unique area of interest(s), or style of writing, or the first-rate manner as a way to earn cash, You’ll learn thru trial and mistakes. Many ideas will fail. And that’s best. Both revise your technique, or take delivery of it and move directly to something new.

You may land up forsaking numerous blogs because you later found out they failed to fit your needs, And that’s fine. I did. And I learned a lot from doing so.

6) Increase a agenda.

Similar to a “real task”, you need to have a few form of recurring. work out what time you have got to be had for blogging, and do it. paintings at some stage in the hours you’ve allotted, stick to a preferred posting agenda, and work out some form of content material advent ordinary that will help you maintain blogging, in addition to keeping off as many mental roadblocks as you in all likelihood can.

7) Prioritize.

Right time control is important. In spite of a timetable, You may regularly locate that a few things will require extra time than others, and You could no longer have enough time to complete what you wanted to try this day. Get your priorities in order- do the maximum essential matters first, then contend with the rest.

Distractions are, nicely, distracting. However It is crucial to hold intellectual readability, and stay focused on the essential topics at hand. Do what you need to do first, then have fun. I Recognise, It is a difficult lesson to learn. And It’s one of these matters that want to be mastered If you want to be a pro blogger.

8) by no means rely on a unmarried profits stream.

It could be common experience not to depend upon a unmarried source of income (like AdSense earnings by myself), But It is surprising what number of bloggers do. Earnings are rarely constant, and rarely can you pay all of your bills each month with a unmarried test (or budget switch) you’ve earned. The few who can are placing themselves at risk- if their source of cash dries up, they have not anything to fall back on. don’t put yourself in that function.

9) A full time earnings might also require multiple blog or internet site.

At the same time as there are a few who guide themselves with one blog by myself, they may be few and far between.

don’t be afraid to take on any other venture when you have the time. It’s not unusual for human beings to have several pursuits- do not restrict yourself to simply one. Having a few blogs/websites can be more than just financially worthwhile- You may have the possibility to examine extra, and running a blog about a selection of subjects helps to prevent boredom.

You don’t need to start a new website In case you don’t need to, Both. There are plenty of websites already that are searching out contributing bloggers, and a lot of them pay well. But make sure that’s what you want to do before you commit. running a blog for someone else is not a gig that is proper for every person.

Consider running a blog as a manner to further your dream career, in place of a career in itself. Your “empire”, preferably, need to reflect what you in the long run need to do. due to the fact let’s face it, not everybody are interesting characters worth of incomes a dwelling by truly documenting what we do every day.

10) Understand while to say no.

do not take every possibility that comes your way. You can stumble upon some possibilities that seem incredible at the time they’re offered, However may not be beneficial ultimately. examine any offers you get hold of, and the wonderful and terrible effects of taking up that assignment. If the negatives outweigh the positives in terms of your dreams and modern initiatives (time is an crucial trouble), then flip down the offer. And don’t experience horrific about doing so. Do what’s right for you.

11) Cater to your readers…

Your readers are essential, so you want to cause them to satisfied. Reply to their remarks and emails, chat with them on Twitter, genuinely get to Know them and what they want. In case you recognize your readers and what they’re seeking out, you may be greater apt to fulfill them with new content. They will praise you with their assist, through referring others in your weblog, perhaps even shopping for products or donating cash.

12) …However don’t lose yourself within the system.

Constantly hold in thoughts what is critical to you, and do not deviate from that genuinely to fulfill others.

13) Get to Know your readers on a greater non-public degree.

Too often I see bloggers overlook that their readers are humans too, and no longer just numbers on a visitors record. (And Sure, I have been guilty of this in the past.)

It is the emotional engagement that maintains humans coming lower back on your weblog, so provide them something to snort at, or reflect onconsideration on. definitely, connect with them. treat them because the capable people they’re, and not search engine spiders.

14) every now and then we need to “sell out”…

Which will pay the payments, it is regularly necessary to support different merchandise/agencies on our blogs. The most common is contextual or banner advertising, But it is not rare to peer textual content links, posts advertising and marketing a product pro or internet site, or bloggers promoting merchandise in their very own. there is nothing wrong with this, If you placed your readers first.

15) …However do not surely sell out.

keep cash in its right area. do not put it on the market merchandise you would not purchase yourself. do not create something crappy and promote it for a fortune. it’s simply terrible commercial enterprise.

16) Be transparent.

Agree with is primarily based on transparency. Tell your readers who you are (on an ‘about pro’ page), and your reasons for running a pro blog. Label all backed posts as such. never misrepresent yourself if you can help it. What readers do or don’t know about you and your weblog will impact their Accept as true within you.

17) Social media is your great buddy.

Get on Twitter and Digg and Fb and some other social media websites that you feel will find assist you and your emblem, and use them regularly. Network with folks that share comparable pursuits and preserve in contact with them. With the help of social media, a very good blog can spread like wildfire.

However, don’t use your social profiles actually to advertise yourself, make a point to connect with others and offer them with cost while possible. help them with any issues they’ll have. Participate in dialogue. Be friendly. Be an energetic network member. You have to give before you can obtain.

18) maintain writing.

There could be many days whilst You may experience uninspired pro, and words can be difficult to come through. when this occurs, simply maintain writing anyway. Write a personal access to pro, or a few different writing exercising (that You could by no means even publish) to get the creativity flowing once more. typically in an effort to assist.

hold writing via the hard instances. The extra you keep away from the trouble, the easier it will become to procrastinate. And you may never get something carried out.

19) hold improving.

Usually look for new approaches you can enhance your pro blog, Whether or not or not it’s your writing, design, monetization tactics, etc. do not attention on operating more difficult, attempt running smarter. don’t be afraid to try something new- You may study something within the manner.

20) experience loose to interrupt the guidelines.

Even as there is a form of running a blog etiquette to comply with (spam=awful, and many others.), do not be afraid to break the diverse unofficial blogging regulations, which include how often you need to submit Every week, or how lengthy Each post need to be. each blog is one-of-a-kind and there are absolutely no set rules. Figure out what’s proper for you and just do it.

[actualbird]

dogjeremy au: things that happen after michael now knows his dog is jeremy (part 1 to basically the resolution of this au plotwise)

see, michael now has a mission. he has a purpose. gone are the days of vague sulking and sorrow because dealing with a missing person’s case with no leads was awful, everybody was just searching blind. but now michael knows whole things 1) jeremy is a dog, 2) thats not normal, and 3) if he turned into one, there must be a way to turn him back. 

so it is time for michael to go into Research Overdrive: This Puzzle Must Be Solved So That I Can Save My Friend From Eternal Dog-itude. and research overdrive will vary depending on which route of squiptitude caused jeremy’s dogness, all rather entertaining in their own right. 

if this au is post-squip and the dog is a squip sideeffect, it’s likely jeremy has no idea and michael finds it out while combing thru squip information. he stumbles upon a weird forum buried under a bunch of internet mazes. the forum is basically like “SHES A DOG NOW AND MTNDEWRED ISNT WORKING PLS HELP” to which michael has to respond by like, taking deep breaths, because what the fuck is a squip even?? he does digging, establishes contact, finds out the dog was able to turn back, but comes up empty with how she managed it. “i turned back when i found peace” “k cool but wtf does that mean”. yes this means michael probably makes jeremy drink mtn dew red. it doesnt do anything sadly but it’s really funny watching a dog drink soda from the bottle.

jeremy was cursed by squipwitch or made a wish on a shooting s(quip)tar, jeremy has to fess up. when michael interviews him about all the events that led up to jeremy getting turned into a dog, he gets a little cagey before finally admitting that he, well. kinda wished for it. he didnt wish to BE a dog, he just wished to not be him (which breaks michael’s heart in so many ways, but one problem at a time.) curses/wishes are easier to work with because fairytale logic dictates that curses are mostly to teach lessons. theres something jeremy has to learn from being a dog, and once he learns that, he’ll turn back. now the only problem here is that...they have to figure out what that thing is.

(”you have like a hundred issues, dude, how are we supposed to find and fix one,” michael tells jeremy.

“hey!” michael jeremy a second later when jeremy nips at his arm.)

michael has a lot more energy though now that he knows. things are still bleak but now he’s working towards a goal and his best friend is no longer missing and by his side. it’s kinda like a fun few days for a while yknow. like the 2 minutes music montage in the movie with the pop song in the background and michael and jeremy are trying to figure things out either through squip testing (maybe if we fuck up the squip coding so much, itll just undog jeremy) or....weird talk therapy. weird because michael is quiet genuinely terrible with other people’s emotions and jeremy can only talk through an ouija board and pre-written index cards. 

im on the fence on whether or not michael would tell anybody else about jeremy. it’s ultimately jeremy’s choice, but michael thinks more people knowing might increase their chances of finding a solution but jeremy also doesnt want to like, do more damage (because what if nothing works? it wouldve been better off if people just...didnt know). so maybe they tell christine. or the rest of the gang. but the one jeremy is adamant about not telling is his dad. (and that hurts jeremy a lot but he doesnt think he could survive watching his dad not believe that hes jeremy. jeremy kinda wishes he could get michael to bring jeremy back to his place just so he could see his dad. maybe cuddle against him. but his dad’s allergies. also, his dad’s probably worsening depression under the brunt of jeremy’s disappearance. jeremy isnt strong enough to go through that.)

so they keep working to find a solution!! but the fun montage can only last for so long and every lead they try to follow comes up empty. things are starting to look bad again. michael tries to keep a brave face on for jeremy, but he realizes that kinda useless. jeremy’s already seen him break down countless times over his own disappearance and---

oh man

in the midst of all the research michael. kinda fucking forgot about all that. about everything he told jeremy. 

he told jeremy that he’s in love with him.

and now michael cant even seem to help him turn back so they can talk about it.