#( jokes aside: when i did that binge-run of a re-watch. I ended up loving him a lot. along with other various muses )

[diabelskoga]

What made you decide to write this muse?

⨳ — MUNDAY; ( accepting! )

*sweats*

here's my answer.

[winterknight1087]

Painted Perfect Future

Summary:  Virgil’s parents are homophobic meanies, especially his dad, but don’t worry. Virgil has three amazing boyfriends and there’s always Disney to distract him from his anxiety and past trauma.

Word Count: 6,023

Warnings: Anxiety attacks; hit and run; hospitalization; homophobic parent; self-esteem issues; implied/referenced suicide (but of an off-screen OC); injury; emotional/psychological abuse; alcohol mention; angst with a happy ending; failing a class mention; food; mention of kidnapping in a Disney movie; warnings sound worse than really is (but better safe than sorry!)

Pairings: Romantic LAMP with a dash of Moxiety, Prinxiety, and Analogical

AO3 Link     My Writing

Well the Sanders Secret Santa has given all permission to reveal, so surprise @ironwoman359! I’m the weirdo who got to write your secret Santa! I hope you had a great winter holiday! 💜💜💜💜💜

“Oh! I want to go first! Can I go first? RoRo, pleeeease!” Patton begged, bouncing in his seat.

“Uuuuugh, fine,” Roman moaned. “I get to go next, then!”

“I have no quarrels with this. Virgil?” Lo asked, rolling his eyes at the two energetic men.

Virgil looked up from the gifts he was desperately clinging onto. “Huh? What?”

Pat gave the anxious figure a pouty look. “Do you have a problem with me first then RoRo? Unless you want to go first.”

“No, it’s fine Pat. I would like to go last, if that’s alright with you, Lo.”

Logan looked him over but answered. “It may relieve some of your anxiety if you hand your gifts out sooner, Virgil. There is very little chance you got any of us something we will not enjoy.”

“Don’t you mean… infinitesimal?” Patton giggled.

“THAT WAS ONE TIME!”

Virgil winced, “Geez, L. I knew I was going to lose my hearing, but I figured it would be from those two, not you.”

“I-uh” he cleared his throat, hands automatically trying to adjust the fake tie on his sleep shirt. “I apologize, Virgil.”

“Also, I want to go last. I’m nervous about my gifts, but also, I’ve rationalized it out that if you all hate it, I can go hide in my room. Less awkwardness if it’s hated.”

Logan and Patton shared an uncertain look, which did not go unnoticed by the anxious one. They seemed to agree on something and let the decision stand. Patton started giggling again as he dove straight into the pile of gifts sitting beneath the Christmas tree. For a full minute, Virgil counted the seconds, all that could be seen of the man was the cat tail to his onesie.

 ****

  5 Years Ago: Virgil and Logan’s freshmen dorm room

 “Little Shadowling?”

You’re just a disappointment. You can’t even keep your grades up in the few classes you actually like. You have an F in Art 101! Who fails Art 101?!?

“Kiddo?”

They don’t care about you. Why should they? Who would be proud of an anxious mess like you?

“Verge, please answer me.”

Next thing you know, they’ll somehow find out that you’re gay. They’ll blame college for ‘turning you’ gay and force you to drop out. You’ll lose what little you’ve gained.

“Virgil, come on buddy. Breathe with me. There we go.”

Virgil wasn’t sure how long he’d been spiraling. What mattered was the warmth surrounding him and the steady rhythmic tapping on his back. At least, that was what mattered until he remembered that Logan was in class until much later. A lightning bolt might as well have struck him for how badly he jumped away, frantically throwing his hands out for anything that could work as a weapon.

“Whoa there, kiddo!” A familiar voice said. “It’s just your happy-pappy Patton!”

As Virgil’s mind finally started to work again, he saw Patton sitting next to him. Virgil looked down and saw that the vicious weapon he had sought turned out to be only a spare paint brush. He set it aside before awkwardly looking at Pat. The other seemed to understand and opened his arms, inviting Virgil into a hug.

“Do you want to talk about it, Virge?”

All Virgil could manage was a shake of his head.

“What about we watch a movie and I make us some yummy hot cocoa? You know what, I’m feeling dangerous, let’s eat the box of cookies I was saving! Does that sound good, my bestest mostest dynamicist duoist duo partner!”

Too many words so soon after an anxiety attack.  “I… umm… Sure Pat. Whatever you want to watch.”

With Virgil’s agreement, Patton was off to work. He shocked the anxious one by easily picking him up and placing him in his bed. Next, he was peeking at what was already in the DVD player. He smiled seeing that Roman had been forcing Logan to watch Lilo and Stitch. That would work perfectly for his anxious little baby. With that, he threw some popcorn into the microwave and started working on their hot cocoa.

Virgil watched Pat move about for a moment before deciding that it would relieve some anxiety for him to also do something–anything. He climbed out of bed and started collecting all the spare blankets (and not so spare, though he doubted Logan would mind  too much that he stole his bedding). By the time Patton was bringing the snacks and drinks over, Virgil’s bed was about two feet taller with Vee in the middle, making the pile into a sensible nest for them.

Pat and Virge cuddled through the movie. It was exactly what Virgil needed after what happened this afternoon. They joked and threw popcorn at meanie heads. When Lilo had told Stitch that he couldn’t have any more caffeine, Virgil couldn’t help but poke Patton.

“Hey, look! You’re on TV!”

“DOES THIS MEAN YOU ARE THE STITCH TO MY LILO!”

“Uhh… Sure?”

Unbeknownst to the two on the bed, Logan had walked in only to hear screeching about Ohana and family. He had already started to set his bag down, muscle memory doing so automatically. Yet, as the chemical engineering student managed to take everything in, he only blinked and scooped up the bag to leave once again. Though, the pictures he snagged of the two best friends would later prove he had seen the pair.

 ****

  Present

 “Here they are!” Patton’s voice yanked Virgil’s mind from that small dorm room. “Alright, here we go! One for LoLo! VeeVee! And RoRo!”

Each accepted their gift and waited for Patton to sit down. Each took their tern unwrapping the (miserably) wrapped gifts. Roman went first to find a prince costume PJ set. Princey screeched when he pulled out a stuffed animal horse. It took Virgil a moment to realize it was horse from Tangled. Mick? No… Maxwell? Max- yes, -well no. Maximillian? Closer, but still wrong. Oh Maximus, right. Maybe Virgil should re-watch Tangled if he couldn’t remember something as simple as the horse’s name.

“I LOVE THEM PATTON!” 

Patton didn’t have a chance to respond before Roman was running into the closest room to change into his new PJs. Once he came back, he showed the three others the PJs from every angle, making sure his boyfriends got a good look at his muscles while doing so as well. Patton was giggling whereas Logan and Virgil were smirking at his antics, all three used to the dramatic prince.

Next was Logan. He took his time unwrapping the gift before pulling out his own set of items. He picked up a tie that listed different elements from the periodic table. Virgil was sure there had to be some sort of pun in the tie’s design, but he wasn’t well versed in… well, science in general. There was a groan from the tie-clad man which was proof enough for Virgil to know the pun existed. There were also socks, a galaxy pen, a ‘tears of my students’ mug, and even a mug warmer.

“While I loathe to finding a joke on the tie, I do enjoy these gifts. Thank you, Patton.”

“What’s the joke!” Roman squealed.

“Iodine. Lithium. Uranium. Vanadium. Cobalt. Fluorine. Iron”

“In English, Microsoft Nerd!”

Patton was giggling as he answered. “I luv coffe(e)! The symbols spell I luv coffee!”

Virgil was last. He ripped open the gift to find a giant blanket. It was designed just like his patch-work jacket and Virgil could have sworn that this was the softest thing to ever exist... alright, second softest as Patton was without a doubt the softest and sweetest. Patton was watching him worriedly as the anxious man ran his hand over the blanket. Without a word, Virgil swung the giant blanket around himself and just seemed to vanish into the mass of fluff, sending the other men in the room into a fit of laughter.

“Prepare yourselves, my beloved royalty!”

 ****

2 Years Ago: The shared apartment living room

 “You fiend! Why do you besmirch the name of Disney every time we watch something!”

“Not my fault you started this marathon and it is definitely  not  my fault that you started the argument with Cinderella, claiming that you only need to believe in your dreams for them to come true instead of trying to actively attain them. Either stop screaming about arguable statements and put in The Lion King or sit here letting me ruin Disney for you.”

Roman grumbled but did get up from the couch to change DVD’s. It was a relatively calm evening in their apartment, at least it was for the two of them alone. Logan and Patton were at the library. Patton was with a study group and Logan, who didn’t want Patton coming home on his own, was studying on his own until the study group were done. That left Roman and Virgil with the apartment for the evening, and they’d used it to binge-watch Disney movies.

Riiiiiiiiing. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

“Tell the nerds to pick up pizza, Count Woelaf!” Roman called as Virgil automatically answered his phone.

“Did you really think I won’t find out! Virgil, the homosexual beast!”

With some strange sound escaping his throat, Virgil threw his phone across the living room as his body forgot how to breathe. He could hear a voice screaming his name and that only made breathing harder to achieve. His thoughts were spiraling and his world collapsing.

“Vee, please!”

They knew! They knew he was gay! He knew it was only a matter of time before they found out, but he had been so careful to keep that day from coming yet!

“Oh, what was it Logan said to do?”

How long did he have until everything changed? How long until what little love they had for him was gone?

“Virgil, can you… uhh… name five things you hear? No, see! Five things you can see?”

Some words spilled out of Virgil’s mouth, momentarily pausing the spiral before it came back. They are going to cut him off. Everyone would know by the end of the day. Whoever was trying to get him to list things would be gone just like them!

“Yikes, alright. Umm… Oh! Virgil, you have to agree with me now that Prince Charming kissing Snow White was sweet and an incredible moment, right?”

They knew, so some comment about a movie shouldn’t bother him right now! “No.”

“But it was a farewell kiss! What is more romantic than that!”

This doesn’t matter right now! “Consent! Not kissing dead people!”

Slowly, the bickering about Disney managed to knock Virgil out of his spiral. Roman looked desperate but also happy? Since when did Princey like hearing the dark side of Disney? Later, Virgil would admit that, though an unusual approach, Roman’s way did help him ground himself. Right now, though, they argued until Rafiki started to mess around with Simba.

“Wait, I didn’t realize Patton was in this movie.” Virgil offered as a weak joke.

“I can see PatDad as Rafiki. What about Lo-bot? Who do you think he’d be?”

“Zazu. And before you ask, you are a combination of Timon and Pumbaa”

Roman gave a huge, mock gasp. “Excuse me! Why would you not make me the King of Pride Rock!?”

“Because Mufasa is too kind and humble for you and honestly? I can see you 100% dressing in drag and doing the hula like Timon as a distraction. As it is, you did storm Pat and my history class dressed as Aladdin and started singing ‘I Can Show You the World’ to Pat all because Pat was having an off day. Then, when our professor became furious, you started belting out ‘Proud of Your Boy’–which I remind you again is from the musical not the original Disney film!”

“OK fine, what the that make you then?”

“Simba, of course. He ran from his problems, blamed himself for everything when it was really Scar’s fault, and randomly joined some bug-eating hippies in the jungle. Simba is me just as The Lion King is Hamlet.”

“You have gone too far! How dare you equate Timon and Pumbaa to hippies!”

“Really, that’s where you draw the line?

“Guess who brought home Chinese Take-Out!” a voice called as Lo and Pat appeared, bringing a couple of bags over to the coffee table.

Their appearance threw Roman into La La Land for a moment, but he promptly wailed out once he realized what they were having for dinner. “But pizzzzzzzzzzza!”

“What about pizza?” Logan asked as Roman promptly collected his share of food.

“Nooooooooooooooo! We forgot to call you!” Roman sounded like he was close to crying, though he was already raising a bite of rice to his mouth.

Patton giggled. “Sorry, we apparently didn’t get your telepathic message, RoRo. I did get you pot stickers though.”

An actual tear escaped the dramatic man’s face as he wailed. “I foooorgive yoooooooooooooooooooooooooou!”

 ****

Present

 “Alright, Puffball first!”

Roman handed Patton a bag. Pat was wiggling with excitement as he opened the bag and pulled out the paper stuffing. Inside were four stuffed animals, each one dressed like each of them. A dog with its tongue sticking out had Pat’s glasses, light blue polo shirt and a little gray cardigan around its shoulders. A lion had a crown, prince costume, and even a fake little sword. A normal looking teddy bear had Logan’s black polo with a tie, glasses, and tiny watch. The final one was a kitten with a black hoodie and headphones.

“Press the kitten’s paw, Patty-Cake!”

Virgil was not amused to hear his own voice hissing come out of the kitten. Patton, on the other hand, absolutely loved it. Roman admitted that the others weren’t as convincing as the hiss, but Patton didn’t care; the four stuffed animals were in his arms and probably weren’t going to leave for the next several hours.

“OK, I’m actually proud of this one, Nerd.” He announced handing Logan a highly decorated box.

Logan opened it and made a small sound of appreciation at the books. “Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson. Thank you- “

“Look inside at the title pages, Lo!”

The man blinked but did as told. He froze after seeing the first one for a moment. Quickly, he checked the second one before just sitting there in shock. Roman was watching him in excitement.

“Well?”

“Did you really have Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson sign each other’s book?”

“What.”

Without another word, Logan showed the rest of the room the front page of the Tyson book where Bill Nye’s signature proudly sat. Roman looked like someone had slapped him with a fish. Virgil emerged from his blanket, laughing so hard, he didn’t even notice he’d emerged from his soft lair. Patton had a huge smile as soft giggles escaped from him.

“Regardless, I will enjoy reading these. Thank you, Roman. The signatures are also greatly appreciated.”

“Vee’s turn!” Pat called out.

Roman passed Virgil another bag, his mind running around in circles in disbelief of his mistake. Virgil accepted the bag and found a small wooden music box and a small metal container. Inside the container were extra tune things for the music box. The one already inside the music box was ‘Hakuna Matata,’ so Virgil had a suspicion that the other ones were also Disney. 

Once again, he vanished into his giant blanket without a word, but the other three could hear the little music box playing from the blanket mound, with a soft voice singing along.

 ****

  1 year ago: Their living room.

 “Uhh… Virgil, might I have a word with you?”

Virgil paused the movie he was watching. “What’s up, L?”

Logan shifted uncertainly before clearing his throat. “I happened to have found a stack of unopened letters, addressed to you. They were almost covering an opened one in the trash.”

“They are in the trash for a reason, Logan. Throw them back.”

“I was merely wondering if you would like to talk…” 

“If I wanted to talk about it, I would have said something. I’m dealing with it.”

Without letting Logan say another word, Virgil turned the movie back on. Logan tried to say something else but ultimately decided to shut his mouth and join Virgil on the couch. The tension between the two men slowly eased as Rapunzel celebrated with the villagers and stood up for herself to Gothel.

Logan cleared his throat, which instantly made Virgil go tense again. “What is that inconsequential game Roman and you insistently play? Which film character each of you are? If you would not mind, I would like to partake in this fatuous game for this film.”

Of all the things that had suddenly started racing through Virgil’s mind, this was not remotely what he expected. “Umm… Sure, Lo? Let’s hear your character study.”

“While I do not see simple correlations between the characters and the rest of us, I do see a lot of you in Rapunzel.”

“What, because I like hitting people with frying pans? I would have thought you’d say Patton for her. She is a bit too trusting of people and yet draws out the best in them. She even got a pub full of hardened criminals to sing about their dreams with her.”

Logan tilted his head, considering this. “That is in fact true, but she did not know any better. That puts her in stark contrast to Patton, who has at least admitted that he knows that they may be dangerous, but he gives the benefit of the doubt as some people just need kindness shown to them. No, I believe you are most like Rapunzel. Gothel has psychologically abused Rapunzel, presumably since kidnapping her, in a similar way to how  they…  I mean society has attempted to do towards you. If I am not mistaken, earlier in this film, she in essence has a break down whether she should have stayed within the tower or was right to leave. Has this not been a similar dilemma you have faced, having left your hometown?”

Virgil considered it for a moment. “Well…”

“Gothel has taught Rapunzel that she could be nothing and especially nothing more than what Gothel said she could be. Gothel is wrong though. Rapunzel is more than just her magic hair and has to leave to be able to full learn this.” Virgil could almost hear Logan’s mind piecing together movie points to what he really wanted to say to Virgil. “Yes, she could have been a bit naïve with her actions, not realizing any better due to Gothel’s strict hold over her views. Yet, that nativity in the end is what helps her realize the ways Gothel was an abusive parent because she came to see what kindness and what true love were supposed to feel like. She was miserable when she returned to the tower and could see through Gothel’s perfunctory love. Rapunzel had to learn to develop her own views and beliefs independent of her abusive adopted mother.”

Quietly, Virgil picked at his jacket, thinking over what Logan was saying. “I guess.”

 “Well, I guess I concede and allow you to voice your view points on who is who.” Logan commented, his voice attempting to hold enthusiasm, but failing.

“Oh, that’s easy. Patton and I already assigned everyone years ago. Princey is Flynn Rider for the sole quote of ‘here comes the smolder’ along with essentially a pouty face. Patton agrees with you on me being Rapunzel. Something about him never being able to beat people up with anything, much less something as useful as a frying pan. Meanwhile, Patty-cake is Pascal, who does what he can to cheer Rapunzel on and threatens Flynn and Maximus when they are fighting. You are Maximus, dedicated to your work but also willing to bend the rules for a good reason.”

“Well then... I do not understand this film enough to refute those points, so I shall concede to your points. However, I will say this, about the letters, before leaving it alone. Please, if nothing else, do not leave us on read. We only wish to help you yeet your unwanted tea. We Stan you, Virgil. I hope you are woke to this.”

“Logan, I swear, if you have those note cards out and ever  attempt to use that much slang in one sentence again…”

“I am merely only collecting receipts and flexing. Is this not how it goes?”

“Stooooooooooop” but the smile sitting on Virgil’s face showed Logan that he was doing something right on this comforting thing.

****

  Present

 “I suppose that it is now my turn.” Logan commented.

He moved and collected a neat stack of presents, wrapped in shimmering navy wrapping paper. Once Logan hand handed each of the boyfriends their present, he sat down. Virgil wasn’t sure how Logan even knew which gift was whose as there seemed to be no difference or name written on the package now in his lap compared to the others.

Pat was once again giggling as he tore open the gift. A book and kitchen apron were ripped out of the box by the squealing man. He announced the book title of some healthy-eating cookbook before unfolding the apron and giving out another squeal. He flipped the apron to show the words ‘Many have eaten here, few have died. Whichever it is tonight, I’ll see you on the flipside!’.

Once the excited man had finally calmed down, Roman destroyed the wrappings on his gift to reveal a nice suit and an additional envelope. Ro was confused as he opened the envelope before letting out a squeal that could have put up a decent fight with Patton’s squeals.

“TICKETS TO SEE HAMILTON! HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THESE? WHEN IS IT? ARE WE ALL GOING?”

Logan chuckled. “One of my coworkers has a cousin who performs in Hamilton and they owed me for something at work. Unless you wish to take others with you, I had assumed it would be the four of us. I am sorry to say that you will have to wait a month as everything will be cheaper once the holidays are over.”

“A weekend getaway with my three amazing boyfriends to Broadway!” Roman screeched looking ready to shoot through the roof in excitement. "YAAAAS!"

“Ohhhh. What did you get, Vee?” Patton asked excitedly.

All eyes turned towards the wrapped-up man. He let out a laugh before opening his present. Inside were a set of headphones and a gift card. Virgil glanced at the gift card, pleased to see it was for his favorite art supplies store. The headphones were everything Virgil could have wished for and more. They were sound-canceling. They had a good sound frequency, sensitivity, and resistance, which were all important for sound. They were wireless but with an optional wired-in line. Virgil did not know where Logan found what was essentially the epitome of headphones, but Virgil found himself falling even more in love with the nerd.

“I love them, thank you, Lo.”

“Your turn, VeeVee!” Patton announced excitedly.

 ****

  3 months ago: leaving a movie theater

 “I cannot believe you, My Chemical Romance! You are already plotting with Specs to ruin the masterpiece we just saw!” Roman announced, turning his phone onto the two following him.

“We are not plotting, merely discussing the inconsistencies and flaws within the film, unlike you and Patton, who are discussing the adorable-ness of the animal companion to the princess.” Logan calmly answered.

“OK, not to intrude or anything, but PUPPY!” Patton screeched before yanking Roman after him as Pat ran across the street to pet the dog.

Roman’s arm waved his phone as he was dragged off to the dog. Virgil could only laugh at how the video he was recording would turn out, knowing full well what the Prince was attempting to do. Not that recording their discussion would prepare the Prince for all the darker messages Virgil had scribbled into a tiny notebook just to taunt him with during the movie.

“Well, the light has changed, so I guess we will have to wait to follow them.” Logan commented, simply.

“Guess we have a chance to continue our conversation without a nosey prince berating us for analyzing the movie. So, the princess: guilable victim or mastermind genius?”

Logan considered it. “Well, I would say somewhere in the middle, especially with Disney’s attempts to create more realistic characters.”

They talked while waiting for the light. Logan only paused as he stepped off the curb before continuing with his analysis. Virgil could tell that the nerd was only getting started and was excited to see how the Noble Prince Whines A Lot took it while they ate dinner. Yet, he wasn’t so excited that he wasn’t aware of his surroundings.

“LOGAN!” the scream was ripped from his lips as he shoved the nerd back towards the curl they had left.

Then, the world went dark.

 **

 Virgil awoke to a persistent beeping, sniffles, and the smell of alcohol. His eyes focused on a plain white ceiling as his memories slammed into him, much like that car. He shut his eyes for a moment, before opening them to find the source of the sniffles.

“’at?” his throat was scratchy but the man in the chair next to him wasn’t looking at him.

The sobbing man jumped as if shocked by electricity. “VIRGIL!”

“’at’s mah ‘ame.”

More sobs escaped the man as he threw himself onto Virgil, forgetting about the anxious man’s injuries, lines attached to him, or even Virgil’s need to breathe. Patton was a sobbing mess as he held onto Virgil, blabbering about everything and nothing all at once. Virgil was tempted to point out that he was the one hurt, but he knew that his boyfriends would have had to suffer seeing him hurt, so he kept his mouth shut.

“Patton, the nurses are becoming irate with you. Please keep it down or they’ll kick all of us out.” Logan’s voice came from somewhere to Virgil’s left.

“Uh… Padre, we’re all upset, but you shouldn’t be laying on top of Vee. Not if we want him to wake up.” Roman’s voice commented.

Another shock of electricity ran through Patton. “OH! I’m so so so sorry, VeeVee! I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“Pat…”

“‘m OK.” Virgil answered.

He heard something drop before Logan and Roman were now surrounding his bed, shock and hope on their faces. Virgil looked at each of them before offering a weak smile. Each went to work ensuring that he was alright and not in any drastic pain or anything like that. For his part, Virgil just continued smiling at them, knowing that he may hate their babying soon enough, but appreciating their concern and worry nonetheless.

Eventually, a police officer came to question him about what he remembered. The officer wound up having Logan and Roman go with him as they had more of the story than Virgil–who had been unconscious– and Patton–who had been absorbed by the dog until the hit and run was essentially over, only having looked up after Virgil had screamed Logan’s name.

Other than the officer, there was little other than the distractions from the three other men. Occasionally, a doctor or nurse would come by, but otherwise nothing else really happened. And that stayed true for three whole days. Virgil loved Lo, Pat, and Ro, but he was starting to need a small break, even from them.

For their part, the three boyfriends were just relieved Virgil was going to be alright. They’d barely slept or eaten since the accident. Logan was constantly in a near panic attack, knowing that Virgil had saved his life at the cost of bodily harm. Roman felt as though he had failed his Dark Prince. What good was a knight to his lover if he couldn’t keep his lover from harm? And Patton… Patton was just a wreck. He felt guilty as if he were the one to hit Virgil. So, if the three of them asked if Virgil needed anything every few minutes or asked if he was in pain or everything else they’ve been doing, while who could blame them?

A voice that had only appeared in Virgil’s nightmares for the past two years tore through the air when the four boyfriends were relaxing after the latest news that Virgil should be ready to head home soon. “Pity. You’re still alive.”

Virgil promptly curled in on himself once he registered the speaker. “What are you doing here?”

“Had to see for myself the damage done to the disgrace that became of my son.” The man commented. “By the way, did you know that your disgrace was the final straw for my wife? Couldn’t handle having something like you as a child, I suppose.”

The three uninjured boyfriends glanced at each other, the same message written on each of their faces: this is Virgil’s abusive father? Without a thought, each moved between the man and their fourth partner, not caring what relation this man was to Virgil. Virgil seemed to be terrified of him, and that was enough. Though being fair, Lo and Ro were already mentally planning the best ways to punish him for the abuse they knew of. 

 “How did you even know I was hurt?” Virgil’s voice suddenly demanded.

“Wait, it was  you  who drove straight into Virgil!” Logan’s voice was ice.

The man hummed before commenting. “I was looking to kill two disgraces in one hit, but we don’t get what we want, I guess.”

“I think this is a new one for me.”

The man spun around and slammed right into the officer. The officer was coming back to tell the injured man that there was some success in running a plate captured by mere coincidence by Roman. Yet, a confession in an open place? Works for them, the officer supposed.

“You are under arrest for attempted murder.” The officer clipped some handcuffs onto the man.

Once things were protocol-fulfilled, the officer grinned at the boyfriends. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a criminal gloating to his victim as I happen to be visiting with updates.”

The officer and the man were gone before Virgil had actually processed the timing miracle he had just witnessed. Maybe fate was finally throwing him a small sliver of a bone. He wasn’t going to question it. He wasn’t going to poke it with a fifty-foot stick. He would just accept this one thing and happily not look the gift horse in the mouth… Though Logan would definitely look into the literal meaning of that phrase and point out everything confusing and wrong with a confused look on his face. This mental image of a confused Logan with the other two giggling at his confusion was enough to shock Virgil back into himself and start to weakly laugh.

The three other boyfriends looked at him in a terrified confusion before joining in his weak laughter, believing that this was from relief that he would never be harmed again by his horrid parents rather than love of his partners.

Once he was released, the three boyfriends went to work on ‘Plan Take Care of VeeVee’. He wasn’t even allowed to go to the kitchen without one of them insistently helping or trying to take care of it for him. Like he expected, Virgil became tired of their babying of him, but it was alright. 

Everything would be alright.

 ****

  Present

 Virgil gulped as he pulled the three gifts closer to his chest. “Before I hand them over, I would like to ask that you three open them at the same time, OK?”

Each nodded and accepted the gift he handed each. They instantly could tell their gift was on some sort of canvas, but other than that, they were unsure what each would be. Virgil didn’t sit back down in his spot but stood before the three of them. He was shaking but was not going to let his fear drag him down any longer.

“Alright, you can open them.”

Each opened their gifts to find a painting in them. Patton’s painting was an image of Lilo and Stitch performing a hula dance. The Ohana quote was decoratively hidden in the ocean waters as they danced. For Roman, it was a picture of Pride Rock with Simba letting out a roar while his friends stood behind him. Then, for Logan, it was a painting of the lanterns lifting into the sky, lanterns that held not the sun symbol but rather a brain with glasses.

Logan looked up to compliment the painting he had received when something on the back of Patton’s canvas caught his eye. “Patton, place your painting down, backside up! You too, Roman!”

The other two looked confused until they noticed the words carefully written on the back of each of them.

Patton’s: Will you

Roman’s: marry

Logan’s: me?

The three of them looked up to Virgil, who had sunk to one knee while they examined the paintings. He was holding a box open before them with four rings inside: a ring in each of their favorite colors. Virgil was trembling so bad, some small part in the back of his mind worried he was about to pass out, but he had to do this.

“I love all three of you more than I thought possible to love anyone. We’ve spent an amazing four years dating and I want to have more. So, will the three of you marry me?”

The room was silent for what felt like eternity before Roman let out a miserable wail. “Nooooooooo!”

Something in Virgil shattered but Roman was already on his feet. “Noooooooooooo! I can’t believe this! I was going to propose on Valentine’s Day! It was supposed to be the perfect proposal too! Dinner and flowers and everything. But you beat me! How could you do this to me, Virgil!”

Patton let out a small giggle. “Sorry to disappoint you, Ro, but if VeeVee hadn’t beaten you to it, I would have. I was planning on asking after dinner tonight, right before dessert.”

Logan fixed his glassed. “And I, at risk of appearing sentimental, had planned on asking at midnight on New Year’s Eve.”

“So,” Virgil’s voice was barely more than a scared whisper. “Is that actually a yes from you three?”

“Of course, my dashing and noble prince! Why would you have assumed otherwise!” Roman announced.

“Because the moment after I asked, you screamed no but then started ranting about something while I attempted to pull myself together in time to hear about Pat’s plans”

“Oh,” Princey went pale realizing that was not the time for dramatics. “Sorry, my Dark Prince, I did not mean that. Yes, of course I will marry you! It is a thousand yesses from me! Nay, a million! A billion! An infinitive amount of yesses!”

“The usage of yesses sounds incorrect but I cannot think of the proper plural for yes. In answer to your proposal, Virgil, I also say yes, though will refrain from the absurdity Roman is going on about.”

Rather than give an answer, Paton yanked Roman and Logan with him as he threw himself at Virgil. They collapsed into a giant cuddle pile as Patton started singsongingly screaming “We’re getting married! We’re getting married!”

Virgil could only smile and cuddle with his fiancés. Later, Roman would screech about hanging the paintings in proper order of the secret words on the back. Patton and Logan would both sheepishly bring out their own boxes of rings, making Roman wail about having not gotten them their rings yet. They would celebrate their engagement and begin planning wedding details and whatever else. They may not have been the family who gave Virgil life, but they were the family he chose, and he would probably admit it to them once Roman had put enough alcohol in him in celebration of their engagement. But, in this moment, Virgil just clung to the three men who showed him what love was.

[ajaxx-420]

I randomly decided to do a writing prompt to this image. If you give it a read listen with:

https://open.spotify.com/user/1243452543/playlist/78SVg4ITAZY451Z5a8lhUW?si=oOS35DzMQlifeJHp0t-c1g

Mr. Wong’s

           She came in like she always did, sort of. Completely disheveled. She was always a mess but would always greet me with a smile.

           Today is different though. I know that. Things don’t feel right. Her smile is forced and she’s not making eye contact. I smile still, but it feels wrong.

           I remember the first time we came here together. It was sort of a joke.

           I had just left work and answered the phone to hear a “Come on, let’s do something different tonight!” I remember her blurting that out before I could even say my “hello”.

           “So you’re telling me that you want to go eat AT a Chinese restaurant?” I said quickly, the joking judgement in my voice. “You wanna go sit in a booth and eat your chicken lo mein there? That’s what you really want?”

           “Yes, yessss,” she pleaded. “No one ever eats their Chinese food in; they just take it out! It’s silly, it’ll be fun!” she quickly replied, her mind already made up. 

          And I loved her so whatever made her happy made me happy.

          “Mr. Wong’s it is! It’s a date,” I passively went along.

          “Really!? Yay! Thanks babe!” I could hear her smile through the phone, it was those little things that reminded me she was the one.

          “Yea, of course. I just left. I’ll see you there at 6. I love you, Sweets”

          “I love you too, always”

          “Always…”

          We ended up being the only ones in the restaurant. For two hours we people watched, making up their imaginary lives; who we thought they were, and where they were going. Parents with their kids, the single bachelor, all there to pick up their dinner and go. But no one came in and sat. No one ever stayed…

***

          Today is no different.. Empty, aside from the owner’s son, who has been on his phone in the corner booth since I showed up.

          As soon as the bell over the door rings he looks up; Mr. Wong, happy to see May calls a friendly greeting from behind me.

          “Hello, I’ll be right over!”

           He was a man of few words; his wife was the talker. I remember the second or third time we came and decided to sit and eat, his wife was so surprised and pleased that we were there again to stay, she was almost beside herself. Mr. Wong had to physically pull her away from our table, saying something in Chinese. Always speaking Chinese, except when speaking to us.

          “O, no, thank you, Mr. Wong,” May immediately responds,  “I won’t be eating tonight, sorry!” There’s a pause, and I’m hung on the emptiness in her voice. “Thank you, sorry,” she repeats, more quietly this time.

          She’s so apologetic. It’s not even manners; it’s her feeling that she takes up too much space. She always responds like she’s done something wrong. Like she’s a burden.

          She isn’t.

          I swallow it down, the things I want to say. I’ve given up that battle. She’s perfect. I divert my eyes down as she goes to look at me, I don’t want her to see the disappointment I know she wants to apologize again for it.

          Her one boot is untied and I’m thrown back to 8 months ago.

          We came in here at 2 in the morning, after we binge-watched Stranger Things. We were a bit intoxicated, but what else are you supposed to do when work gets cancelled because of snow? And what else are you supposed to do when it’s 1:30 in the morning, everything else is closed, and we’re 3 bottles of wine deep. And we’d skipped right over dinner.

          I don’t remember who came up with the idea, but we knew that Wong’s was always open stupid late, so the decision was basically made for us. We bundled up, threw our boots on, and stumbled out into the cold city streets,  each of us looking like Randy from A Christmas Story, with our scarves up to our eyes.

          We were laughing and holding each other up as we slipped about the sidewalk, tears running down our faces at how juvenile this was of us. But we re-lived that night for months: how Wong made soup, and stayed open until 2:30, just for us. His “beloved regulars,” as he always called us.

***

             We finally make eye contact. I’ve been dreading this moment because I know what her sad eyes look like, and I don’t think I can handle this right now. I don’t know if I’m ready. I glance up, and here they are, sad eyes glistening in the low fluorescent lighting, staring, almost unblinking, as if they are waiting for me to make the first move. My foot twitches, I don’t get up, I don’t hug her, we just stare.

             Her big, brown eyes.

             Have you ever seen how brown eyes catch the light? Have you ever been told that you are loved while looking into brown eyes?

             Magnificent.

             I love her eyes; so gentle. She’s one of those people that can smile with just her eyes. They usually come with such a sense of calm. Usually.

             I’ve seen many an emotion through these windows to the soul. But if there was one emotion that I liked the least, one I didn’t love.

             It’s these, the ones I’m looking into right now. The ones that look like they have been crying for hours? The ones that don’t want to be here?  

            Neither do I.

            She puts her bag down on the seat as she slides in, breaking  eye contact. Mr. Wong quietly appears at the end of the table; he places two cups of water in front of us, forcing me to look away. Forcing me to stop scanning over her disheveled appearance, as he drops a straw in front of each of us.

           “You sure, no food?” He questions, sort of confused. Probably picking up on the weirdness in the air.

           “No, thank you,” I smile, looking up at him. “The water is fine.”

            I pull mine closer, tearing the wrapper off the straw. He nods and walks back to the counter. I flatten the wrapper over my fingers. I can feel the silence. I watch a drop of condensation roll down my glass and onto the table.

            “I’m not thirsty,” I hear her whisper. Her voice is small, and I can’t help but look. She picks at her nail, not looking at me at all.

             “Okay,” I respond, knowing I’m only drinking to ignore my nerves. To ignore this situation. To give me something to pretend this isn’t happening.

              We sit like this, for what feels like an eternity. The only sound being the rain and the faint noises of the kitchen. Neither of us wants to start. Neither of us know where to start.

               I know I don’t.

              “Why here? Why did we come here?” I think, my eyes begin to water. I look up trying to hold back tears, hold back all of this emotion, until a more convenient time. A time when I’m not sitting across from her. A time when I’m not in a place where even the ceiling tiles remind me of her.

               But I can’t help remembering; remembering back to our first anniversary here, in this booth. In our booth. I remember back to the vacation we took cross-country a year ago. I remember us being madly in love. Head over heels. I remember back to when we moved in together, into that place that we couldn’t afford, and had no business living in. I remember back to a month ago; her and I laughing at some b-rate horror film. Her smile, forever etched in my mind.

                I look up, directly into those sad, brown eyes.

                Without thinking, I grab her hand, wiping my cheek with the back of my other. We’re both crying, and I try so hard to smile. For her. For us. What my face does, I’m not sure, but nothing feels right.

                 We’re supposed to be eating dumplings right now.

                 We’re supposed to be throwing straw wrappers at each other.

                 We are supposed to be in love, always.

                 But not anymore.

                 No one came in and sat. No one ever stayed…

[mearnsblog]

The Disney Quarantine Binge

Hello friends.

What’s baseball? Who knows. I’ve never heard of it. Thanks to the awful COVID-19 pandemic, it’s basically not a thing anymore! The world needs to get a whole lot better before we can even remotely consider the return of any kind of sport, aside from re-broadcasts of “Slippery Stairs: College Tour” on ESPN 8: The Ocho (that really happened, bless it).

In its absence, Ali and I have turned to Disney+ to patch in many hours of the void. We had just watched “Ratatouille,” and I suggested that our next movie could be one of the Disney films I remembered from childhood. We thought about a few different options and ultimately came down on the decision to just watch them all, starting all the way back at the beginning with “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” We’re going to have a lot of free time and we had just watched the “Imagineering” documentary as well as a slew of other YouTube videos detailing Disney’s wild history, so why not?

It’s hard to write much about baseball right now, so I’m writing about Disney. Specifically, I’m going to use this binge to compile my personal ranking of all 58 films that fall under the category of “Walt Disney Animation Studio films.” Look, the internet clearly needed another idiot throwing some dumb listicle of his own thoughts out there. No need to thank me personally.

I make no promises about how much I’m going to write about each of these movies, mainly because I’m mostly just shooting from the hip and some of these films really don’t require that much thought. Also, I’m just doing this because I want to, and sometimes, it helps to take your mind off serious things. But I will update this post with my rankings as I go, if not only for convenience.

Onward.

1. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” (1937)

The one that started it all. For all of Walt Disney’s personal faults, it’s hard not to admire the personal gumption that it took to pull this movie off. No one thought a full-length animated movie could work, and it went way over budget. Disney had to mortgage his house to pay for it all, but he and his team (including his always-overlooked financial expert of a brother, Roy) did it, and damn it if it wasn’t spectacular.

Is “Snow White” dated? Of course it is, it came out before World War II. (It’s No. 1 as I’m writing this list now and only going through the early Disney flicks, but I can guarantee that it will not be No. 1 for terribly long.) Snow White herself is not very interesting, and the prince is a joke. That’s partially because the early Disney studio found it difficult to animate him much, so some potential storylines for the prince got cut. It is what it is.

The queen, though, is an elite Disney villain, and my grandma still remembers the thrill of being frightened by her when she saw “Snow White” for the first time. The animation is admirable, especially as Snow White scrambles for her life through the forest to whatever kind of safety she can find, and when the dwarfs join with the animals to chase down the witch. Speaking of the dwarfs, they are classic Disney sidekicks for a reason and quickly earn the audience’s love. Grumpy’s evolution in particular from being so misogynist that Disney himself referred to him as “Grumpy the woman hater” to openly weeping at Snow White’s apparent death is lovely.

It had been a long time since I revisited “Snow White,” and I probably won’t again for quite some time. Nonetheless, I’m glad I did.

Best song: “Heigh-Ho”

2. “Fantasia” (1940)

Every music teacher's favorite "concert's over and now we have to kill time until the semester ends" movie, aside from maybe "Mr. Holland's Opus." I was pumped to rewatch "Fantasia," and its peaks did not disappoint.

Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" is always incredible, and I always forget just how many familiar tunes are packed into "The Nutcracker Suite." That was a fun little delight. However, I also forgot just how much "Toccata and Fugue" and especially "Dance of the Hours" can feel like a drag. The visuals helped the former go by; the latter was a slog.

"Sorcerer's Apprentice" is a classic and that sequence is all over Disney lore for a reason. "Pastoral Symphony" almost suffers from the same drag as "Toccata and Fugue," but the Greek mythology nerd in me appreciates the effort of the visuals. (At the same time, centaurettes? Uh, okey dokey.)

Anyway, all these words have just been a preamble to this: I love everything about "Night on Bald Mountain" and "Ave Maria." They could not have picked a better combination to end this feature. Everything about it is perfect, from the creepiness of the demon Chernabog to the monks' glowing lights restoring some calm to the chaos.

Without that one-two punch at the end, "Fantasia" might be forgotten as a feature and really only remembered for "Sorcerer's Apprentice." Thankfully, that's not the case, and the finale will keep bringing me back.

Best song: "Night on Bald Mountain"

3. “Pinocchio” (1940)

So. "Pinocchio." It's an experience.

I almost want to leave it there. It's so weird. I still adore "When You Wish Upon a Star" and just about everything to do with Jiminy Cricket. But it really just hustles through so many bizarre situations in the blink of an eye.

There's everything uncomfortable with Stromboli. There's everything to do with Pleasure Island, not the least of which involves some creepy old man that Honest John just happens to know. Pinocchio manages to escape yet again, only to have the climax of the movie take place inside a whale that ate Geppetto (and his poor cat and fish, who weren't initially involved with Geppetto's search).

Pinocchio's just not that likable. I know he's supposed to be a kid and kids can be annoying, but man. It's rough. Geppetto deserved better.

If this movie was released much later in the Disney pantheon, it would not be nearly as well-remembered. Oh well. Thankfully, the animation is stunningly beautiful for the time and Jiminy still rules. What a gem.

Best song: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

4. “Dumbo” (1941)

"Dumbo” is such a strange movie. It’s not even bad, and it’s over in the blink of an eye. (The run time is barely an hour, which is definitely appreciated.) It does have those same pacing problems as “Pinocchio” and “Bambi,” which also hit many of those early Disney movies. He shows up, he gets bullied, his mom freaks out, he gets bullied again, he gets drunk (!), he chats with the poorly-aged crows, and then he flies at the circus to end the movie. Hooray? There’s moving quickly though scenes, and then there’s slapping them all together with very few transitions. That’s the issue.

I have a love/hate relationship with “Elephants on Parade.” It’s such a crazy tangent for the movie to take in its short run time, but it’s entertaining as it is surreal. We were not a “Dumbo” household growing up, so for the longest time, the only things I knew about the movie were “When I See An Elephant Fly” and this sequence. I’ll probably still be thinking about it when I’m 80.

Timothy Mouse is a very nice not-quite Jiminy guide to the hero. He seems like a fine gent to share in some champagne-infused bucket water. That’s the good stuff. (Unlike the other elephants outside of Mrs. Jumbo. They’re awful and learn basically nothing.)

Anyway, at least it’s not the Tim Burton version. You couldn’t pay me to watch that.* I even forgot it was released last year until it popped up in my Disney+ suggestions.

*A lie. You could. I’m an out-of-work writer. what do you want?

Best song: “Elephants on Parade”

[compare-wp10]

Censorship Has Mutated During Coronavirus Pandemic

See on Scoop.it - COMPARE RISK COMMUNICATION

Censorship, Pandemic Style Censorship is unfortunately alive and well during this pandemic madness, taking on a variety of mutated forms as it participates in the various rights-trampling parades going on in America. We have seen the petty tyrant governors and mayors use this time to overreach and cavalierly brush aside constitutional rights in the name of safety. The First Amendment has been particularly roughed up, with the free exercise of religion, free speech, and the right to peaceably assemble all taking major hits. Matt Taibbi — not exactly a rightwing stalwart — warned last month of what he called the “Inevitable Coronavirus Censorship Crisis.” He was responding to a rather insane and disturbing article in The Atlantic that was basically making the case for adopting a more ChiCom approach to dealing with internet speech. That’s right, a venerable American publication was advocating for more censorship. The ChiComs themselves aren’t letting the crisis go to waste. Pro-commie establishment members of Hong Kong’s parliament are pushing legislation to censor and punish any language mocking the mainland’s national anthem. As I wrote last weekend, social media platforms are using the pandemic as an excuse to censor any voices that run counter to the preferred narrative. There is to be no real free speech or debate about how we should proceed through each new phase of dealing with the pandemic. Each of the major platforms has opted to be tools of the various states and prop up whichever arbitrary shutdown rules are in place. The media bias we’ve seen during all of this is a perverse sort of self-censorship that the MSM hacks are doing to themselves. They’ve been running with whatever the official word from China is, and surely they know that the censoring is kind of baked into the cake with that deal. It’s always amazing to see American “journalists” be drawn to the types of ideologues who would be the first to shut them down. This may not be directly related to the coronapocalypse, but it happened on Monday. The United Nations took some time to offer the great unwashed a list of words that we should no longer say. I’m not really sure which part of the UN’s charter lays out why it should be in the censor game, but then I still haven’t figured out what in the hell they have to do with climate change. The shutting down of church services is a form of censorship as well, and I can’t help but believe that the Democratic governors have enjoyed keeping the church folk away from worship just a little too much. Thankfully, saner legal heads seem to be prevailing on that front in the last couple of weeks. The policing of speech had become worrisome long before this pandemic hit us. The danger now is obviously having some of these more tyrannical types make some new permanent censorship rules. Speech that’s censored today may very well remain censored when we emerge from this rough patch. I’ve been fighting censorship since I first started doing stand-up and it’s a battle I’m willing to wage until they find a way to shut me up. PC Police Step Up Efforts to Completely Ruin Stand-Up Comedy This Ought to Work Out Well Many low-wage workers earn more on unemployment than in their former jobs https://t.co/jMwBs9efgG pic.twitter.com/7iKO5Hq9KX — CBS News (@CBSNews) May 19, 2020 PJM Linktank My Tuesday column: My Last ‘Obama Is the Worst’ Column This Month (I Think) HILARIOUS: Trump Campaign Mocks Biden. Journalists Don’t Get the Joke Texas Reopens. What’s Really Happening With Its COVID-19 Numbers? Sheriff Revolts Against Lockdown: ‘We Are Not Stormtroopers. We Are Peacekeepers’ And not just for fun. Wow! Guess Who’s Taking Hydroxychloroquine? Donald Trump! God wins. Again. Hallelujah! Church Lawsuit Forces Oregon Governor to Re-Open EVERYTHING Ben Sasse Picks the Correct Fight With His Democrat Challenger Shock! Pensacola Shooter Turns Out to Be Al-Qaeda Operative Who Plotted His Attack for Years SANITY: New Jersey Gym Owner Defies Lockdown Order and Cops Refuse to Stop Him The Real Coronavirus Timeline Liberals Don’t Want You To See China Threatened Dan Crenshaw. Now He’s Demanding Sanctions. Attorney General Barr Just Made Major News on ‘Obamagate.’ You’ll Want to Sit Down for This Trump Didn’t Botch the Coronavirus Response, Andrew Cuomo Did VodkaPundit: China Orders New Wuhan Virus Lockdown Because They Beat COVID-19, Honest Quarantine them in a jail. Why Did New York Infect America With Coronavirus? New Report Blames Cuomo, de Blasio FBI ‘Mistakenly’ Reveals Identity of Saudi Diplomat Suspected of Aiding 9/11 Jihadis Anti-Lockdown Champion Elon Musk Just Picked a Side and It’s Glorious Obama Fired an Inspector General to Cover Up a Sex Scandal and No One Said Boo About It Liberals’ Direct Cash Payments Promise to Do to Main Street What They’ve Done to the Black Community: Crush It ‘Joe Has Absolutely No Idea What’s Happening’ It Is Very Strange That General Flynn Was Unmasked Almost 50 Times VIP VodkaPundit, Part Deux: Giving Government the Finger: Americans Ending the Shutdown on Our Own Terms VIP Gold The Tragic End to Deshone Kizer’s NFL Career…And It Began Where QBs Usually Go to Die The Emotional Toll Social Distancing Has Taken on People Should Not Be Underestimated From the Mothership and Beyond I like this story. The internal watchdogs Trump has fired or replaced Excellent. Oklahoma Governor Signs Bill Banning Red Flag Laws School District’s Fight For Armed Teachers Heads To OH Supreme Court NZ Gun Crime Rates Soar Following Gun Bans GOP Governors Rip McConnell Challenger for Partisan Attack Ad I’ll binge-watch this. Graham Moves to Subpoena Brennan, Clapper and Other Major ‘Obamagate’ Players Pelosi’s Strange Reason for Not Wanting Trump to Take Hydroxychloroquine Katie Hill Threw a Tantrum Because Republican Mike Garcia Won Her Vacant Seat Rep. Jim Banks: ‘Shameful’ Dems Are Focused on Going After Trump Instead of Holding China Accountable Leader McConnell Taps Rubio to Lead Senate Intelligence Committee Amid Burr Investigation The Misleading Attack From CNN’s ‘Reliable Sources’ on Fox News’ Coverage on Flynn and COVID-19 Petty Tyrant Update. Ohio Governor Reveals How State Will Respond to Businesses Not Complying with Restrictions WATCH: Crowd Cheers New Jersey Police After They Refuse to Cite Violators of Lockdown Order Trump to the WHO: I’ll Permanently Pull U.S. Funds From the Organization Unless… James Woods: Trump ‘Loves America More Than Any President in My Lifetime,’ Obama Admin Was ‘Scum and Villainy’  Twitch Thots are Horrible but They’re a Symptom, Not a Disease When Even CNN Gets There’s a Problem in the Flynn Case, But the Judge Doesn’t, You Know It’s a Problem LA County Public Health Director Isn’t an M.D.; Why Do These Official Websites Say She Is? Petty Tyrant Update II. Bill de Blasio Threatens Fences Around NYC Beaches and Warns Swimmers They’ll be ‘Taken Right Out of the Water’ Kira Davis: I Don’t Want To See One More Damn Coronavirus Commercial #MouthBarf: Who’s Ready For Michelle Obama’s “Prom-Athon” With MTV? Um…Feminist Susan Faludi: “Believe All Women” Is A Right-Wing Straw Man That Liberals Don’t Actually Embrace Navarro: Let’s Face It, The CDC “Really Let The Country Down” In The COVID-19 Crisis Eric Trump: Dems Have A Very Deliberate Strategy To Use Social Distancing Rules To Prevent Trump From Holding Rallies Gov. Gavin Newsom, ready to lay off first responders, kicks off coronavirus assistance for illegal aliens He’s not owned! He’s not owned! Ezra Klein corncobs himself trying to pretend he didn’t get trolled by Trump campaign’s ‘Truth Over Facts’ site Losing. Their. MINDS! Chris Cillizza calls Trump ‘an unlikable jerk that gets stuff done’ and the Left breaks out pitchforks and torches Oh. 2 professors warn using wedding pictures as Zoom background is a “microaggression” Poland marks centenary of St. John Paul’s birth Bee Me Back To Normal: Conservatives Go To Work While Liberals Stay Home https://t.co/GKabQNFVrM — The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) May 18, 2020 The Kruiser Kabana pic.twitter.com/cq0yyGR9yy — Archillect (@archillect) May 19, 2020 Let’s treat Taco Tuesday with the reverence it deserves, people. ___ Kruiser Twitter Kruiser Facebook PJ Media Senior Columnist and Associate Editor Stephen Kruiser is the author of “Don’t Let the Hippies Shower” and “Straight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.” His columns appear every Tuesday and Friday.