#(and my therapist bc she’s trying to help me understand that rest of productive lol)

[howdoyousleep3]

this is your reminder to listen to your body and your mind and give it what it wants ✨❣️

[hamliet]

Part 3. Is it possible to ever just be free from it all. I hear so much of how abuse can hurt ppl physically and mentally & I just go back to hating them for it bc I don't want to deal with it. Ik what they went through & I know theyre human but no matter how many times theyre told they're wrong they just don't change.

Hey Anon, sorry I got your messages all out of order, so that’s why my answers are all scattered and separate! Under the cut again for subject matter!

Part 4 . I wish i could go to therapy but everytime i tried it just never worked. I'm scared that they're gonna control me for the rest of my life, even when they're gone. Not everyone has a Touka that loves and would wait for them & I feel like I'll never get to the point where I just know that I love someone

Part 5 I've done shitty things to bc of them. AND Ik they aren't good but these habits are so bad that I feel like they're apart of me. And everytime I try to change I just can't. Even if i try to talk to ppl

Oh, Anon. I wish I could just hug you right now. You are clearly in a lot of pain, and none of it is your fault, and you do not deserve this no matter what. Please believe me.

I think I will say this: you can’t control them. No matter what you do to make them change the only one who will ever make them change is themselves, and most people who are like that don’t change. Sometimes they do. I hope yours do. But many times they don’t. And that is an extremely painful thing to realize, because no matter how much I was angry, they were still my parents, and I wanted them to change. I wanted them to love me like they were supposed to. I wanted them to accept me and LISTEN to me like they were supposed to. And realizing that I had to give up on that was agonizing. It was a slow process, and give yourself time. It’s okay that it’s slow. It’s okay that it will take time. You are not losing years of your life to them. You are learning. Life is learning. 

The only one you can control is yourself. You’re 18. Get to a safe situation. Give yourself space--that will probably help. They cannot control you. You control you. Therapy is really helpful for gaining your God-given power over your own life back, but you also have to find a therapist who works for you. My first therapist? It did not work. Not that she was a bad therapist, but she was a very bad fit for me and instead of getting better I got worse. And then I found my current therapist, who is exactly who and what I need right now.

You are not broken, Anon. They have hurt you and hurt you, but you are not destroyed. You are worthy of love. I say this as someone who is 25 and single and honestly, not happy about being single: I also don’t think my life is incomplete. I hope I find someone sooner rather than later, but my life is full now. Years ago I did not think this was possible. I thought they’ve ruined me forever. They hadn’t, but it does take time. Give yourself grace and empathy and understanding for the time you need to heal. Let yourself grieve, because you’ve lost something every human being deserved: a safe environment to grow up in. It’s okay to be angry. That’s part of the process.  

Those habits you mention? They’re coping mechanisms. Are they healthy? Many of them aren’t (writing is a healthy coping mechanism for me, but trust me I have many that are not healthy). Once you are out of the immediate danger of the situation--because verbal/emotional stress is dangerous for your psyche and wellbeing even if it isn’t physical--give yourself space. Breathe. And then slowly, step outside. (Yes I’m quoting one of Ishida’s poems lmao.) Try to learn the world and discover what coping mechanisms are no longer necessary when you’re not in danger. And while you can look back at your coping mechanisms and acknowledge that ain’t right, you can also have compassion on yourself. You were a scared child trying to find a way to survive, and those methods helped you in some ways, but you no longer need them and so you can find other methods, more productive, healthier methods now. It’s okay.

You are going to be okay, Anon. You are tough to have made it through all of this. You shouldn’t have had to be so tough. Get to safety. Take your space from your parents and take it one day at a time. Don’t worry so much about whether or not you’ll ever reconcile or forgive; just take it today, and then tomorrow. (That’s really hard for me lol as a planner, but try.) And then try to find some help, a therapist who works, talk to your general practitioner for recommendations if you can. One day at a time. You’re going to make it. You’re going to be okay.