#*crowd starts booing me* what is this if not erotica?! * they take me off the stage*

[yellow-yarrow]

*goes to art school* *learns art history* *learns aesthetics* *gets a masters degree* time to put this knowledge to use *draws this*

[ashyblondwaves]

Hey guys! So I got this prompt the other night and I was writing in my drafts and accidentally screwed up posting it, so I’m reposting it with a screenshot of the ask instead. Hopefully this works. Enjoy!

Awe, anon. You’re so very kind! I’m so glad you’re enjoying my fluff overload going on after last week’s episode :)

Situation: Seeing each other for the first time in a while

Sentence:  “If you’re so bored, I have other ideas on how to pass the time…”

Warning: Mild Dirty Talking Vision. A little naughty kissing.

***

Wanda showed up at the train station an hour early. Though she knew it wouldn’t make him show up any faster, she couldn’t wait another minute to finally be at their meeting spot once again. She passed the time watching the trains come in and witnessing others reunited. Families and lovers alike, there was an onslaught of happy tears, hugs and screams that sent pangs of longing straight through Wanda’s heart.

Soon. It would be her turn soon.

She was the first to step up on the platform when Vision’s train arrived. A tornado of butterflies swirled in her stomach as she watched each person emerge from the train doors, scanning ahead a little to see if she could catch a glimpse.

And suddenly, there he was. Tall, perfectly in disguise and waiting his turn to exit the train. Once she saw him, it was as if nobody else existed on the platform. She wasn’t jealous of the other people hugging and crying around her anymore. Because Vision had just stepped off the train. It was finally her turn.

She waved him down and waited as he navigated through the crowd. With each set of people he weaved through, the more Wanda’s anticipation grew. It started with those butterflies in her stomach. They fluttered around and filled her chest, spreading out to her arms and legs, then hands and feet. Then all at once, she was lifted off her feet and in Vision’s arms once again.

Back at the hotel, the pair were in be. Vision was sitting up, his back to the headboard while Wanda laid on her side with her head in Vision’s lap. She flicked through the TV stations trying desperately to find something good to watch but wasn’t having much luck.

“Would you like me to order you some room service?” Vision asked. “Are you hungry?”

“No, not really,” Wanda replied wistfully.

“Want to take a walk?”

“I’m way too comfortable right here to even think about moving.” She sighed, throwing the remote onto the bed. “There’s nothing on.”

“If you’re so bored, I have other ideas on how to pass the time…”

Wanda’s eyebrows quirked up. “Oh really?” she asked, turning her head to look up at Vision He had a mischievous look on his face, a smug grin playing on his lips. “Have you been doing some reading research again? And for the record, I’m not bored. Just content.”

“I have,” Vision answered proudly. “Mr. Stark told me if I missed my “boo thang” so much I should read some erotica. I think he was joking, but I read it anyway.”

Wanda burst into laughter. “You’ve been reading dirty stories?”

“They were pretty dirty,” Vision confirmed. “But it gave me some ideas...”

“Really?” Wanda cooed. “Tell me about those ideas.”

“One of the stories I read had a scene where the male protagonist starting kissing the female protagonist on her neck,” Vision explained. “Then as he undressed her, he started kissing her lower. Her throat, her chest and finally he settled on her breasts. He kissed them, he licked them, and blew on them so her nipples would harden. Then he sucked on them. And from what the story made it seem, she loved it.”

“Yeah?” Wanda nudged. “How’d that make you feel?”

“Pardon me if this sounds vulgar,” Vision prefaced. “But I couldn’t stop thinking about doing that to you. Having my lips on your breasts, kissing them and licking them and... sucking on your nipples. It’s all I’ve been wanting to do since I read it.”

“It doesn’t sound Vulgar at all, Vis,” Wanda said, taking in a deep shuddering breath. “I think it sounds like something I want you to do, too.”

Wanda sat up quickly and unbuttoned her blouse, peeling it from her frame easily before she crawled onto Vision’s lap. HIs eyes never left her once as she got into position.

“Take my bra off,” she instructed, guiding his hands to the front clasp between the cups.

He undid the clasp easily, eyes focused on the creamy skin underneath the fabric. Wanda shrugged out of the bra and brought her hands to the back of Vision’s neck, gently coaxing him forward.

Vision leaned down and started with a gentle kiss to the tops of both breasts. Using the sound Wanda’s soft humming moan as a guide to keep going. He kissed the skin in a downward pattern, following the swell of her breast and then around the underside before eventually flicking his tongue out and laving the area. With the tip of his tongue, he traced an imaginary line up until he reached her nipple, swirling his tongue around the nub before finally closing his mouth around it entirely.

With each lick and suck, Wanda felt herself growing wetter and wetter. It didn’t take much for Vision to learn and now they could add reading erotica to learn new skills to his list of qualifications. She almost wanted to thank Tony Stark for putting the idea to read it into his head.

Finally, Vision pulled away and looked at Wanda.

“Tell me if I did alright?” he asked.

“I won’t tell you,” Wanda said, taking Vision’s hand in both of hers. “I’ll show you.”

She guided his hand down under her skirt and between her legs, pressing his palm against the thin piece of cotton separating him from her core so he could feel how wet she was.

“You did more than alright,” she mewled. “Now I need more.”

[winstonhcomedy]

HDWDLN? 11/6- “George Washington on Election Night)

Last night were the midterm elections sweeties! I got to do two sets. It got weird, wild, and wacky in pretty short order. Last time I did comedy on election night Trump won. That show definitely had a heavy air over it, and I was looking forward to that not happening again.

First up was sweet baby Patrick Buhse’s open mic at Mojos. A hipster/dirtpunk  haven located near VCU.  It is a room that can be tough or fun. I always use the room to try new stuff out. I am very hit or miss in this bad boy.

I get there and get to have a good hang with Buhse. As more and more comics show up I start to notice they’re all of his students. Buhse teaches the intro to standup comedy class at Coalition Theatre. He is in the middle of his second class, and from all accounts he has been doing a great job.

His students seemed eager to do comedy, super positive/supportive, and they actually come out to the open mics. The past standup courses would actually advise the students from doing open mics, which in my opinion flies in the face of doing standup itself since the open mic is the building block to an act. The sets I’ve seen of his students are actually not bad. They’re super good for new comics, and they keep coming out and trying stuff which is always dope.

Buhse ended up having about 20 comics on the show, and at least half were students of his. That is an insane percentage but also super cool. I could tell he is proud of the work he has done, and honestly the scene is better for it. Who knows if these guys/gals will stick with it, who knows if they’ll get super funny, and who knows if this is the art form for them? What I do know is it’s always good to have more comics in the scene. It is also good to have a more supportive and inviting scene. His students are doing both of those things. So congrats Buhse definitely happy for you and proud of you.

I ask to go first so I can hit Fallout afterwards. I go up and do five minutes. It is all still newer stuff I’m trying to figure out. Including two brand new jokes. I started stronger than I ended. I wasn’t feeling super well so I didn’t give 100% selling my jokes which is dumb of me. I closed on a joke about Panera that they hated so I got off on no laughs.

Not a bad set, but definitely not a great set. One of the two brand new things worked and I will continue to work on that this week. I’d give my set a C-. Not a bad open mic set, but with all that new stuff a lot of room to improve.

My big dumb self conscious concern is since so many new comics were there they’re all just going to think I’m terrible. I am working really hard on not caring what comics think of my act, but it is impossible. I work super hard, and I’m trying to build something special, and the last thing I want is all the new comics to wonder who tf this hack is. Oh well that projecting is on me and my fragile self esteem. I’ll continue to work on it, but who knows if I will ever get over it.

I hopped in my car after my set and headed to Fallout. Fallout is such a ridiculous room. It’s a goth/fetish bar downtown, and is usually members only except on certain nights like comedy night. I get there and it is a ghost town. There is like 5 or 6 people at the bar and then several performers. Jesse Jarvis is hosting, and the only other comics there are Ben Braman (runs city dogs open mic and bibliophilia erotica show) and a new comic named George Washington.

The show is starting late as we wait for more people to show up. I shoot the shit with Braman and Jarvis for a while until Jarvis decides to start it. When he goes up to the mic it won’t work. So the next 10 minutes is just the people who work at the bar and Jarvis just trying to make sound come out of a microphone. Literally the only way I think this show could go worse is if I have to yell it at people. Thankfully he gets the mic working and the show is off.

Braman and I move to the front so he doesn’t have to host the show to nobody. Jarvis does his material, and it is funny. Unfortunately no one is really paying attention. The election might have played a part in that, but who knows.

Braman is the first comic up and does a good job. He doesn't do his full 10 minutes, but he does get some laughs on his material. During his set my buddy Rick Williams who I persuaded to come to the show walks in. He can’t believe I bullied him into participating. Then Mu Cuzzo comes in. So now we are up to 5 comics total for this show.

After Braman gets off George Washington tries to walk up and get the mic from Jarvis. Jarvis has to tell him one more person is coming up, and then his turn. This dude has crazy insane/nervous energy. I can tell it is his first time.

Jarvis brings me up and I really don't feel like floundering for fifteen minutes so I go into crowd work. Three people walk in as soon as I get on stage, and I get them to watch. One dude is wearing a sport coat and his name is Jeff. He starts heckling to be a part of the show so I have to shut that down pretty quickly. I hit him with a few good lines and start talking to GW.

I explain to GW that this is comedy baby. This is how you get to the top. You do shows like this. I told him to run far far away, and live his life. He is having fun and it’s a good show. The people at the bar are paying attention and I’m making Jeff laugh.

Jeff grabs my buddy Braman and obviously makes him uncomfortable so I riff on that. I talk about how I can’t wait for Jeff to get arrested for assault while he is heckling. This gets a big laugh so I soldier on.

So now GW starts to chirp in. We are doing some fun crowd work, but then he tries to go in on me. He’s brand new and this is a mistake on his part. I don't brag about much, but I am pretty quick on my feet, and I’m good at crowd work.

So everything he says I have a response for. I can tell this is killing his anxiety, but he just won’t stop. So I keep going as well. Until eventually it stops, and he looks al little upset. After that I quit talking to him because my goal isn’t to piss anyone off.

I talk to another dude who is just on his laptop doing what he called, “a research paper”. Turns out a friend had asked him about an STD and he is doing research on it for his friend. I talk to him about why didn’t his friend just use google.

So the show goes on and I keep this up for a total of fifteen minutes. I have a good set. I’d say for the room it was a B-. I felt good about it even if I didn’t get to do jokes.

GW goes up next and looks nervous af. It is his first time ever doing comedy and he doesn’t say anything for the first 4 minutes. He looks so shook. People start giving him advice. Audience members are telling him to just say something, or pick up his notebook, try, etc. It is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. 

I feel so bad, but this is the next level kind of self destruction you don’t get to see often. He then proceeds to aggressively berate the gentleman who was doing research on the std about who he voted for. The guy says the Libertarian and then GW shits on him for wasting his vote. He does not realize this is kind of a huge Libertarian bar. So he gets booed. 

He then starts yelling at the dude saying he is taking his aggression out from “the last comic” who came on stage and owned him. He was like, “since he’s not out here now you have to get it.” I raised my hand and I said, “I’m right here. Leave him alone, and talk to me.” He told me to F off, and that he wasn’t talking to me. 

GW is completely lost. It is pretty brutal to watch. He keeps saying stuff so we go back in on him. It is all pretty playful, but it seems like he is about to have a panic attack. He says he has nothing to say so I tell him to grab his notebook, and try an actual joke. He tells me he refuses to take my advice just to spite me. Which was the dumbest thing of all time.

He gets off stage and sits next to his brother right next to the stage. He looks like he is in agony. One of the most brutal sets I have ever seen. I wish more people could have witnessed it.

My buddy Rick goes up next. He tries just doing material and some stuff hits. Most doesn’t, but he got some good reactions on a new joke or two. I was glad he came out. He hadn’t done a set in two weeks, and he’s funny enough this early in comedy that I want him to keep doing it. GW tries to go in on him and Rick hits him with, “after that set you don’t have much room to talk George. That one was a doozy. You don’t want me doing crowd work with you, I’m not as good or nearly as funny as Winston so it’s just going to be mean.” All in all a good set for Rick. 

Lastly is Mu. Mu has been working on crowd work lately. It’s a skill that I think most people need to work on. It’s a good tool for rooms like this. I probably fall back on it too much, but I do enough open mic sets that I think it balances out. 

Mu has a pretty good set. He goes in on GW a bit. GW and him go back and forth and it’s actually a super fun set. Mu made me proud. He will keep getting better at crowd work as long as he keeps doing it. He is getting the confidence and is learning some more of the intricacies of how to really do a killer crowd work set. He ends saying that if he could afford a new mic he’d drop the one on stage and got a big laugh. 

All in all it was a dope show. THE BEST PART HAPPENED NEXT! GW actually came over and was super complimentary. He said he loved it, and that he just has a lot of anxiety. He is a genuine and sweet guy that I expect to see at future shows. Honestly I felt so much better after that. Even though he was antagonizing me when I was on stage I did not want to be the reason someone had a shitty night. So it felt good to hear he loved it.

WHAT A FUN SHOW AND HANG! I love comedy. Even when it’s not great it is interesting. I’ve got a show tonight at The Southern in Charlottesville at 8 pm for $5.! It’s Host Battle Election Autopsy! It’s going to be a dandy!! I will talk to you soon. Love you lades/baybees xoxoxoxo

[league-of-light]

Brandon Bowers Presents: Your End of Season Awards Show!

League of Light Awards 2017

[big, flashing lights, awesome cinematic opening, camera pans the crowd to see all the celebrities, then cuts to the stage where the host finally walked on]

Bowers: (waits for the cheering to calm down) Welcome everyone to the 2017 League of Light Awards Ceremony (more cheering). I’m your host, Bowers (someone in the crowd yells “I love you Bowers”). I love you too, whoever you are. (Crowd erupts in laughter). Tonight, we have ten categories to crown victors in so let’s hop to it shall we (Bowers makes a hopping motion on stage which inexplicably goes over great)? Please help me in welcoming our first set of announcers for the night, Will Guy and Ace!

[Crowd cheers as Will carries Ace onto the stage, followed by an audible “aww” because Ace is wearing the cutest little tux]

Will: Uh, hi everyone. Our first category of the night is Rookie of the Year. And the nominees are: Sam (camera cuts to Sam looking just lovely) Nico (camera focuses on Nico who throws up a hand sign that looks gangster as fuck) and Andy (Andy looks directly into the camera and raises his champagne glass). And the winner is (Ace then proceeds to try and eat the envelope to which Will has to stop) . . .  stop that Ace . . . the winner is Sam!

[Sam, looking slightly shocked, comes up on stage and proceeds to accept the award from Will and give a great thank you speech. If you didn’t like Sam before, you do now. Harnsowl and the real-life Jack Daniels then arrive on stage as the next set of announcers. Everyone notices Harnsowl has two drinks, one in each hand. Harnsowl attempts to read the category but is slurring his words too much.]

Jack Daniels: Lemme take over for ya partner [Note: Jack Daniels is a cowboy here. Just go with it] The nominees for the Best Duo in the platonic division are: Will & Sam (shot of the two of them backstage for they were just on stage), Dylan & Evan (shot of Dylan looking grumpy as fuck in his seat while Evan looks disheveled and unkempt), and Phil & the K8(0)’s (shot of Phil with both K8’s but Phil attempts to get in the camera man’s face, so the cut is a quick one). And the winner is . . .  Dylan & Evan!

[Dylan begrudgingly walks to stage and Evan lags behind. Evan takes up most of the victory speech, specifically thanking his mom multiple times. Dylan then steps up to the podium and audibly sighs and then says, “Fuck Bowers.” The crowd boos Dylan but cheers Evan who is still super excited he won something. Arielle and Blake Bortles are the next set of announcers.]

Arielle: Hi everyone! The nominees for Best Duo in the non-platonic division are: Will & Todd Gurley (shot of Will and Todd Gurley sitting together), Jason & Carson Wentz (shot of Jason holding a sign that says “I <3 Carson” (Note: Carson Wentz had to file a restraining order against Jason and did not attend the event)), and Harnsowl & Cam Newton (camera guy could only find Harnsowl, who is now on his fifth drink of the night). And the winner is . . . Will & Todd Gurley!

[Will and Todd make it on stage. Blake attempts to throw Todd the award but got intercepted. Todd proceeds to talk about the Rams a lot. Will just smile and nods. John Cena and the ghost of Paul Walker are the next set of announcers. John Cena’s music plays loudly for longer than you’d expect]

Paul Walker: Hi everyone. I am so glad that I am back and can see you again (John Cena then does his “you can’t see me” hand motion). The nominees for Most Improbable League Moment are: Phil making the playoffs (the camera guy refuses to get close to Phil again), Nico making a trade after the Dez-J-Quizz Fiasco (Nico laughs at the nominee but deep down he hates that he’s on this list) and Walsh making a comment in the league chat (you think Walsh showed up to this? HA!) And the winner is . . . Phil making the playoffs!

[Phil eagerly runs on stage but starts talking gibberish. The only word someone could make out was “content” Security promptly whisks Phil off stage as our next set of announcers come on stage, the Wettjes.]

Jason: Hi everyone. The nominees for Most Valuable Content in the image division are: Dylan for “Bowers did Benghazi” (Dylan looks grumpier than grumpy cat now. I bet it’s cause he’s sick), Bowers for “Danny’s Thoughts on Jury Duty (shot of the host looking marvelous as always) and Will for “The League as the Fast & Furious Crew” (another shot of Will who is posing with both thumbs up). Before I announce the winner, I just wanna say, Carson I love you, you’re my every- [Sam rips the card away from Jason, cutting him off in the process] Sam: The winner is Will! 

[Will comes on stage, again, and this time gives an emotional thank you speech, thanking everyone for enjoying his artwork. The host, Bowers, comes back to the stage.]

Bowers: How is everyone doing still? (crowd “woos” in excitement) Y’all enjoying the show? (more “woos”) (Bowers proceeds to tell a joke and it’s hilarious – trust me) We wanna take a moment and give out our lifetime achievement award. This goes to someone who has been there for the league since the beginning. He makes content weekly and deserves some praise. The Lifetime Achievement Award this year goes to Dylan Feldman everyone!

[Dylan comes back on stage, finally getting the acknowledgement he deserves. When Bowers hands him the award, he goes in for the hug. Dylan did not expect it and is now hugging Bowers. Dylan feels warm and fuzzy inside but will never admit it. Dylan then gives a speech about his content and ends it with a “Fuck Andy” because he remembered that one-time Andy got snippy with him about the weekly rankings]

[the next set of announcers are Godzooky and Godzilla. Unfortunately, neither one speaks English (they’re from Japan) so I’ll just tell you that Evan won the Most Valuable Content in the written division for “Phil’s Uber Erotica.” Bowers and Andy lost out. Evan goes and gives some long-winded speech about something, I don’t know, I stopped listening]

[John Madden and Al Michaels come to the stage next. They proceed to announce the nominees for Most Valuable Content in the football division. They explain to everyone that the nominees are Dylan for his trade deadline extravaganza, Phil for his Yahoo league shitposting, and Will for the Ram it Remix. They announce that Dylan won. Dylan accepts and yadda yadda. Dylan probably gives a speech too, but I wasn’t listening to this either. Dylan and Will announce the next award, so Dylan stays on stage as Will comes back]

Dylan: This next award is important to the league. It shows how awful some of you are. You all make me regret playing fantasy football. I hope each and everyone one of you gets an itch on your back you cannot reach. The nominees for Least Valuable Player are: Harnsowl (Harnsowl is not passed out in his seat from drinking too much), Arielle (Arielle ran off with Bortles, so she had her assistant sit in for her instead), and Phil (no one wants to see Phil again, c’mon). And the winner is . . . wow shocker it’s Arielle and she’s not even here to claim her award. 

[Arielle’s assistant grabs the award, but it takes her forever to do so because she thinks Christmas is in March. Dumb bitch. Any who, Andy and Kyle make their way on stage to announce the next award. Kyle makes a championship belt motion with his hands as to signal that he will be champ next year (because he’s totes in the league next year, right? Right?)  Andy attempts to announce the nominees, but Kyle cuts him off]

Kyle: Shut up Andy, you can’t even TP correctly. The nominees for Most Valuable Player in the chat division are: Sam, Jason, and Phil (Note: the camera guy had to take a piss so no cut aways). And the winner is Phil. 

[Phil comes on stage, cocky as ever, to receive his award, but as Kyle hands it to him HE STONE COLD STUNNERS HIM!!!! BY GAWD WHAT A MASSACRE!! Someone from the crowd then throws Kyle two beers to which he chugs and then crushes the empties on his head. Andy carries Phil off stage.]

[The host, Bowers, comes back on stage to introduce a very special announcer . . . Thorg! The crowd is so pleased to see Thorg because Thorg is the coolest. Oh, and Steve Harvey is there too.]

Thorg: This last award for puny humans. Thorg hungry, Thorg (the crowd then joins along with Thorg and finishes the saying with a loud “Thorg want eat!”) Nominees for Most Valuable Player in the football division are: Will (the camera cuts to Will who’s looking a little tense now as he’s anxious to see if he can win another award), Walsh (yeah, he’s still not here so instead the camera guy focuses in on the cardboard cutout of Walsh we found in the back) and Nico (Nico WANTS this one badly). Winner is . . . (Steve Harvey then cuts in)

Steve Harvey: And the winner is Walsh! (Steve Harvey then realizes he got it wrong) Uhh I have to apologize . . . 

[Thorg then ENRAGES at Steve Harvey’s actions and cuts him down with his mighty great axe. Those in the front rows got blood splattered on them like this was a Gwar concert. The crowd cheers Thorg on as he takes multiple swings at the now lifeless Harvey. Thorg then regains his composure and announces the real winner.]

Thorg: Winner is Dungeon Master himself, Nico!

[Nico walks on stage, walking gingerly to avoid the blood. He gives the best speech of the night thanking his loved ones and condemning his haters. He then promises a championship for his boys back in Houston. Bowers, the host, comes back to the stage and embraces Nico. He raises his hand in victory like a boxer at the end of a match]

Bowers: That’s all we got for you today folks! Thank you for coming to the League of Light Awards 2017. Until next time!

[Fin.]