#-ensue laugh track bc gore joke about a serious post about how fictional gore affected my brain-

[ellzilla]

IRL ramble under the cut, if ya don't wanna read me yappin thoughts that are dark but ends on a positive note, just scroll by

Yknow, sometimes I'm very glad I got therapy during a time of my life I was kind of isolated from freaks on the internet. When I was younger, from ages 11 to 16, I used to draw a worrying amount of gore n' torture when I was upset, angry or hurt. I used to see nothing wrong with it, neither did the adults that hung out with me, for whatever reason. They saw it as nothing but a 'child being mature' or 'coping with their trauma so it's ok'. It being a cope for trauma was correct. It being okay was not. I was convinced at the time it was okay but oh.. if only I knew the damage it did to me... It took me getting shoved out of that group of weird adults and fellow impressionable kids, being relentlessly bullied and mocked by a mob they sent after me and getting death threats n' other unsavory things sent to me to finally send me to therapy. That on top of everything else that had happened to me up until that point broke even my mother, who's the "therapy is CRINGE" kinda old person, to take me to therapy. And man I'm so glad she did. I think my therapist was one of the best things to happen to me in my life. He helped me out with a lot of things, how to manage stress, how to manage anxiety, ect. But the most important thing is how to cope healthily. He originally suggested I draw out my worries and anxieties, but after learning how much I already did so and //what// I drew, he suggested against it. He explained to me how drawing too much of a horrific thing and conflating it with feeling better was not a good thing. How drawing gore and watching things suffer was not a good way to cope, as it was wiring my brain to think "Suffering of others/violence = you happy". He suggested I find better coping mechanisms to balance out the unhealthy way to cope and to try and wean myself away from associating drawing gore with feeling better. I didn't believe him at the time as 'it was all fake, fictional! I know fiction isn't reality!' but took his advice anyway. But I believe him now. I've realized I'm far too desensitized to gore and physical trauma. The damage has already been done to my brain where seeing real physical injury doesn't bother me at all and in fact I'm always fascinated by it. And that fact horrifies me. But I don't feel the same way I used to when I was younger. I don't feel 'better' or calmer or whatever anymore. That's why I'm so thankful for my therapist. He set me straight before my own child brain could damage itself more and taught me far better ways to cope with trauma. He's also a reason why my horror character's stories no longer are JUST suffering but also healing! Everything I've been thinking about for my ocs have been just healing from trauma and relearning how to be comfortable around certain mundane things. Relearning how to be comfortable with themselves. I think that reflects a lot about me. I know you ain't reading this but thanks, dude. Can't imagine how I'd be without ya.