#-starting to redevelop a crush again despite being the one who broke it off in the first place. even though glyn is worse than ever.

[wyldblunt]

the gang is currently on lws4

[palace-of-freedom]

I'm drained.

I want everyone to leave me alone, but i want them to care and ask me how i am. I want people around, but I also want to cry and i cant cry around people- i hate doing it. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

The one thing that was keeping me going was just get through life till april. that was it. Then it became May. Now I'm waiting till July for my friends to come back. and then within 2 months, they all leave. And this year is gonna be much much much harder to get through and I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle it. I dont think I am, but its not like I have much of a choice. Anyway now I'm just telling myself to make it through till september 2020. But that's waaaay too far away. I dont have that kind of strength or patience.

i dont want to be here. I dont want to be anywhere. I dont want to be abandoned. I dont want to have to deal with people leaving. I just want to be happy, but the only happiness I can get is induced happiness. Happiness from alcohol or sugar, excercise or music. I literally cannot cope right now. I can't feel anything but all consuming sadness. I want to scratch my skin off. I want to bite my lips off. I want to rip my head off. The latter will at least solve some of my problems. I want to *poof* into thin air and thats it...be done with everything.

Too much is changing and I cant deal with it. I dont know where even to begin. I think a good starting point is when i had to break up with my boyfriend of two years. That shattered me. Going through the breakup and hearing the words he said to me - it ruined me. It broke my confidence. It took away all my self worth. I saw myself as a selfish, worthless, useless bitch. I tried to be nice to everyone to compensate for that side of me - the bad side. I tried to be there for everyone. I wanted to be the nice, sweet person I used to be, but it was difficult to even muster up a smile. It was tough to be as observant as I was. I became lost in the negative thoughts so I tried looking for only positivity in the world. Through most of my 13th grade, the only feeling I remember having is being drained. My only clear memories are crying in school washrooms. The good memories are still there, but they're vague. I remember sitting outside school with some of my best friends and just talking for half an hour at least, every single day. I remember going for movies. I remember going to the park. I remember walking around the school and drinking lemonade with my best friend during break. But for the life of me, I can't remember what conversations we used to have (good ones). I can tell you all the bad though. I can tell you about everyone's drama. I can tell you about the fights I had with my best friend. I can tell you about every single bad grade I got. I can tell you about my very stupid crush on a guy who wasnt good for me and all the consequences it had on my mental health.

Actually lets delve into this crush. So i liked this guy for six months on and off, just a few months after my break up and that left me feeling like I had no worth or value. And over that, my ex used to keep messaging every few days telling me how selfish i was, how i fucked up his life, how everything was my fault, how i was too sensitive and how the two years he spent with me were just completely worthless to him. This new guy, was the complete opposite. Where all others invalidated me or told me I wasnt capable of anything, he told me I had skill and talent. That I would make it in a career I was doubtful of choosing. He made me feel better about myself. He was very positive and optimistic and being around that gave me that happiness I lost after my break up. He was easy to talk to. He genuinely listened to me. He opened up to me quite a lot. It made me feel validated. Accepted. Cared about. Something that was lacking from most others. So we began talking a lot. Whatsapp conversations, Skype calls, phone conversations..it was endless and it was addictive. It felt good. It felt like a high. The sad thing about highs is that the higher you go, the lower you fall. There's no helping it. I crashed flat on the earth once that high faded away, and there wasnt even a relationship. it was more of a teenage, childish crush that everyone, but me, could see end in disaster. In fact I think I was called a stupid idiot at least a 1000 times for even thinking about the guy that way. What went wrong was he couldn't see me that way, and he had a crush on two other girls during that same time. And on the night of my birthray, he sent me these really long paragraphs about how he was sorry that he couldn't feel anything for me, but that me liking him gave him a big confidence boost.

That summer i moved on from him, but it cracked another piece of me. I redeveloped feelings for my ex, who i hadnt seen in a year, apart from stalking him, and i chased happiness by stalking him on instagram. It gave me satisfaction to see he was happy, but it also made me jealous. The problem was all of this stalking was done through my best friend's account and he wasnt happy. He yelled at me for stalking and said some other stuff that I dont remember, and then went on to ignore me for 3 days because of that. A month later another very good friend decided she had it with me and walked out of my life as well. she believed I was too biased and that we couldnt be friends anymore because I fucked up. Again. I dont regret it...but i dislike losing people, but somehow its just become a thing. Everyone leaves. I fuck up. All people fuck up, but I think my fuck ups are bigger than most. The consequences are more drastic.

despite losing so many people that summer and the amount of arguments I had to go through, it was still the best summer of my life, because the friends that did stick around made it worthwhile. They made life fun. I felt happy. Thats when i realized that I dont need any of the people who walked out to keep me happy. I needed the ones who stuck around. The new friends. The people i vibed with better. People who actually listened to what I had to say and valued my thought process. We had fun and I was growing up, driving, cooking and it felt nice.

But then I had to go to India, and it was a major setback. All the growth was down the drain. More arguments came behind me. More fights. More detachment from people I cared about. and some death. I fell into a bad slump. It lasted throughout my first year of university and got better only when my friends came back from abroad and the fun hangouts started again.

I spent the entire first year of university only arguing with my closest friends from school. There were lots of tears, lots of emotions...and a conditioned thought - everybody leaves. My best friend of 15 years couldn't stay in my life so why should anyone else? It comes down to me - I'm that bad a human being. I'm that intelorable. My value in another person's life is that little.

My fear of abandonment has always been bad. But now its almost unmanageable because its mixed with a lot of insecurity. so now I want to push people away. I want to hurt them. I want to distance from everyone. And if I feel like a shitty human being on the inside, I may as well act like one on the outside. At least it'll hurt less when everyone walks away, because people have time limits and expiry dates. But at the same time, I dont want to hurt anyone. so now im just worming to kill all my expectations, stop asking or demanding anything from anyone - then at least the pain of it all decreases. maybe then at least, receiving bad news from a friend, or having a friend annoyed at me, or finding out people are going abroad, wont feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. it'll just feel like a punch. And you can live through punches. It hurts for a few minutes and then its all ok. you heal. You find an escape, and right now, im plotting mine.