#....wait no Teddie has one and he's just sad when it happens nvm teddie still wins (he does crunches)

[silly-plays-p3r]

Yukari: I hate how everyone has something going for them! I hate how I have to keep being rescued! I hate being so useless! No I'm going to keep fighting! *unlocks Theurgy* Me: ........................I mean I never thought of any of that, and I'm literally your biggest hater. But ok, guess we'll keep the Makoto N. parallels for you going, Yukari.

[overseerjules]

First off, I’m so so so sorry that this is so late! I ended up rewriting this almost 4 different times and I’m still not completely happy with it but it’s my first fanfic so screw it, I like it enough to give it to you @hisagishuuhei I hope you like it! P.S. Sorry if its cringy lmao For the @yuri-on-ice-valentine-exchange

Pairing: Emil X Mickey

Disclaimer: I wrote this like one would write a diary so everything that’s written is in Mickey’s viewpoint until the very end

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3 days until Valentine’s Day

Current time: 3:27 pm 2/11/17

I’ve got it bad…….. Like extremely bad. I can barely sit still during this stupid ass lecture it’s so bad. I know I know, I need to calm down. It’s only love. Well… it’s probably love, all I really know is that I want to make that boy mine and never let him go. God the things I could do to him, I could just eat him up! Wait I’m in class so I shouldn’t be thinking about this, I could pop a boner if I continue. Ugh, how much longer is this class??? I swear I’m gonna die here. I wish I never took this stupid marketing class… I DON’T EVEN LIKE MARKETING! I should’ve taken like a sports history class or somthn. That would’ve been waaay better. I need to just chill out… I mean there’s only like 40 minutes left in the class anyways, and then I can go back to the dorm and see Emil! Just mentioning him in this journal gets me so excited. I’m a lovesick mess huh?

Current Time: 5:58pm 2/11/17 My original plans to go straight back got totally ruined! All I wanted to do was go home and see Emil…. But nooooo. Sara just had to come and jump me after class and she even dragged me to this stupid cafe. I mean it wasn’t that bad tbh but it still was not what I wanted. I think the only good thing that came out of it was that she agreed to help me buy something for Emil. So now I’m stuck waiting in the car for her to ‘properly get ready’ since she didn’t think she was pretty enough to go out on the town like she was. Like, what does she thinks gonna happen? That some mysterious and hot af guy is just gonna pop up and ask her out?? Besides even if that were to happen, I’d never let someone touch my lil sister…. hmph .

Current Time: 9:32pm 2/11/17

I’m sitting outside on the bench right below our dorm trying to catch my breath as of right now. Why is that future me may ask? W E L L. Sara being the little shithead she is made me walk home by myself after finding some of her friends but that’s not all folks! It started raining too so I had to run back here! Hence why I’m out of breath. I’m just glad that she promised to wrap up the teddy bear and the electric razor I got him. Ok yeah I know buying him one of those isn’t really romantic or anything but it’s supposed to be funny since he knows how much I hate his beard. Facial hair in general is just….. No.

2 Days until Valentine’s day

Current Time: 12:13pm 2/12/17

Last night had to be the best night in my life. It started off extremely normal, just me walking into our dorm and seeing Emil making food. Oh and have I ever mentioned how great of a cook he is? Well he is and lemme just say this now, he’s perfect wifey material. Ok but back to what I was originally talking about, we ate while we watched a movie and I don’t ever remember falling asleep but I guess at some point I did because I woke up around 4 or 5-ish and me and Emil were all cuddled up. Wait what was that? Can I repeat that you ask??? Me. And. Emil. Were. Cuddling. Oh god, I can’t believe that happened but to top the whole situation off, when I tried to move away he frickin grabbed me in his sleep and hugged me even tighter. When he did that I could barely hear him say “don’t go..” over my heart slamming in my chest. I legit thought I was going to die. I mean I would’ve died extremely happy but no I can’t die yet! Not until we’ve slept together again with roles switched, not that I didn’t like being the spoon or the warmth of his oh so strong arms around me. It’s just that I really just wanna hug him all night, hell if I could I’d do it 24/7. Ugh but I gtg finish my homework for my next class since I missed my first one , I’ll come back and write in you later.

Current Time: 3:02pm 2/12/17

I spent the whole class thinking about Emil again. I really need to stop doing that… I’m going to end up failing my classes at this point. But forget that, more importantly I think he’s avoiding me now, I mean it’s totally plausible since we are in no way, shape, or how romantically involved and we ended up on a small ass couch cuddling. But still, that’s no reason for him to jump when he see’s me or to hurry and leave the dorm. FYI, that happened about 20 minutes ago so I’m still quite hurt about that. I guess it’s whatever, we’ll be fine over time I hope.

Current Time: 10:44pm 2/12/17

Sara stole me again, not that I mind this time since I’m sure Emil wouldn’t wanna see me anyways. Kill me now please. But yeah I filled her in on what happened last night and she was more than thrilled. She kept reassuring me that he’s just embarrassed since he likes me too and that’s why he’s doing that but I just don’t know what to think about it. After we spent like an hour and a half or so just fucking around at the cafe she told me to go back and try to talk to him. Let’s just say I tried. I came home to him icing one of his bomb af cakes he loves to make, but that’s not the reason I’m pissed. He went and wrote ‘To the one I love’ in bright red icing on it. Upon seeing that my jealousy skyrocketed and I went and asked such a dumbass question. “So is that for your girlfriend?” Normally the sight of him blushing would melt my heart but the fact that I know he’s bright red because of someone else is just sickening. “Ah no… just someone I really like” “Tch, same difference, anyone who would reject you after giving them that would be brain dead” After that I kinda just stormed off into my room which is where I am and am perfectly willing to stay. I don’t want to go out there and see that stupid cake of his, or him for that matter. Oh god could I just cry right now. Fuck. I wish I could just snap that person’s neck that stole my loves affection from me. Nvm, he’d just hate me even more then. Fuck I just want things to be simpler!

1 Day until Valentine’s Day

Current Time: 1:29am 2/13/17

I was awoken by Emil carrying me princess style to my bed. Never would’ve imagined he’d do something like that but nonetheless it happened. And me being stupid like always told him to go away, which I highly regret saying but it’s not like he left anyways. He softly told me, “I’d never, you’d catch a cold sitting out like that you know?” At that moment I thought my heart was going to explode, any trace of anger I held just dissipated and turned to sadness so when he sat me down and tucked me into my bed like a 5 year old, I curled up and just layed there on the verge of tears. I guess it was pretty obvious since he crouched down and asked me what was wrong, I just told him that it was the valentine blues since it’s not like I had anyone. The smile he had on his face the was one that looked kinda pitiful, almost like he wanted to cry too. And well umm hold up, I’m not really good at inserting dialog so I’ll just do it screenplay like? No clue really but all that I know is that it’s gonna make writing in this journal a hell load easier so here it goes! Emil: Eh? I would’ve thought that you’d have girls lining up to get with you since you’re so hot.

Me: So…. you think i’m hot? *blushing like crazy*

Emil: N-no that’s not what I meant! *I think he was blushing? Couldn’t tell very well*

Me: It’s ok… I know you were messing around. *I tried smiling even though I wanted to cry even more, sooo*

Emil: It’ll be ok Mickey, I’m sure you’ll have someone this year, now go and get some sleep. Ok?

Me: Thanks for the encouraging words Emil. Anyways, night.

Emil: Sweet dreams~

Current Time: 9:57pm 2/13/17

I woke up this morning around 11 and had the great idea to watch Emil sleep. I mean it’s not like I set out to do it? I kinda just walked out into the kitchen and saw him laying on the couch sleeping. So why not? Oh I can tell you why not. Reason 1) trying to explain yourself is utter hell bc you won’t have an explanation. And reason 2) The awkwardness afterwards totally kills off any good vibes for a good two hours. He wasn’t to creeped out but I still regret doing that, and lucky me he went out of his way to make it less awkward by asking what I wanted to do today. But knowing Emil, he’ll just pick something he wants to do anyways so I told him it was his call. And that’s how I ended up watching every. Single. Episode of voltron today, and after that he turned on The Magicians and we’re currently on the 3rd episode. He kept going on about it for awhile now but as soon as he gets to watch it he falls asleep. How careless, not to mention that he’s sleeping all curled up under my arm. Man. I wish tomorrow would never come because I know he’s just going to go off to his valentine…

V A L E N T I N E ‘ S D A Y

Current Time: 6:03am 2/14/17

Fuck. FUck. FUCk. FUCK. I forgot to grab his presents yesterday. Sure he already has someone but that does not mean that I’d just not give him anything, plus I spent good money on that stuff. Anyways, almost as soon as I woke up, I dashed out of the dorm and all the way to Sara’s house. I regret running but it was worth it. I grabbed those presents after waking her and everyone else up on the block by my loud knocks and bolted back to my dorm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Real Time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I walked into almost shattered my heart. I laid Emil’s presents down and ran over to Emil who was crying on the couch. I took him into my arms like my life depended on it and we stayed like that for a good while. “Hey… Emil. what’s wrong?” I asked “I thought you left me…” “Nooo! I’d never leave you, understand? I only left to go grab something for my valentine” “Then why are you back here? Shouldn’t you go and give it to them?” He mumbled into my shoulder, crying even harder now. “Who even is it?” I could barely hear him say it but I took his face in my hands and wiped the tears from his glossy blue eyes. “It’s you, ya dumbass. Who else would it be?” “A..are you serious?” “How could I not be in this situation Emil? I’ve been trying to work up the courage to tell you how I felt the last two years but I just couldn’t do it and well this year I wanted to make it a surprise but this happened instead.” “I’m sorry…” “Don’t be, I’m just glad that I can tell you how much I like you” “Ya know… You were also supposed to be my valentine, I even made you a cake but the face you had when you walked in and saw it was really scary Mickey. I mean I know you love it when I make them for you so why’d you react like that?” “Because I thought you were going to give it to someone else. My jealousy skyrocketed and I couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry Emil” “I kinda figured” He half choked/half laughed. “Don’t die now, I just got you where I wanted you” I pulled his forehead to mine and looked into his red and puffy eyes. I was really looking forward to be the one that engaged the kiss but he beat me to it. No sooner than I opened my mouth to ask how he was feeling, I could feel his lips on mine. They’re chapped and a bit sticky from him crying but I don’t care, all I care about is how his lips are on mine and that he’s pushing me onto my back.

~~~~~~~~~~~Happy Late Valentine’s Day~~~~~~~~~~

[arzeals-journal-blog]

Arzeals Journal

The Journal of a High School Boy Journal i like alice, alice has a boyfriend, it’s a long distance relationship, she moved here from florida, she’s like a female form of markus and i. she makes me happy. with the way my morals are i refuse to interfere with anyones relationship, by that i mean i won’t tell her how i feel until she is single, because i wouldn’t want anyone to tell my wife/gf that they like her and she decided to go with them. she’s just so wonderful and amazing, i can’t even begin. she makes me feel happy. i can tell her anything. if i was able to use any words i would have to devote my time to find the word, for i can’t think of a single one that describes her at all. what do i stand for? insanity,evil, or is it something deeper then that? i dream of murder,blood, and, death. for some reason i can’t stop. i’ve tried everything. from medication to hypnotism. nothing has proven any help. however there is one thing that has distracted me from the focus of the darkness that dwells in my heart, and that is love. the world’s most dangerous emotion. love is worse than a drug. love can make you crazy, “unless you’re already crazy then it calms you.” love has a side effect on the easy-hearted and ill-minded. the side effect is death. if the ill-minded, and easy-hearted, are cheated on the man/women in which you cheated with/on life could be in danger. and yes there is such a thing as too much love. IN my love life i find it best to make sure that the person you “love” is you everything. not only that make sure that you’re there for them when they need you. if not you love could be compromised, or fake. because i’m crazy, the girls i that i like are darks ones, ones that think like i do, and feels somewhat the same. what the word love means to me. love means that no matter what, who, how or why. you will always pull through. that even if you have to you will lay down your own life for theirs. that is what love means to me. as for others out there the word love is a shortened form of i want to have sex. but that is not what it is. love is not another word for sex. love means that you care for them and want to be with them forever. that is what real love is. to tell you the truth parents and kids love is a family love where in which you like that member a lot. its a born love one that stays the same. what should i do with her out of my life. darkness is consuming me. ever so slowly, however i know that it’s there. i want to go be by myself and think but if i do i could go mad. as my will power weakens and my urge to continue to fight runs thin, i think what would happen if he ruled this body. then i think what if i could change back to my gentle self. with the gate of hell so close i don’t think the chance should be taken, i will begin the changes next week. my understanding of love. has shown me that true love is fake. it’s not real, all love is someone who is in what i like to call the honeymoon phase. its when they believe that they are the same that they are perfect for each other. while in truth there blind to each other’s defects. when they are in the honeymoon phase they are constantly comparing each other’s likes and only there likes. until one day one of them steps out of this phase and wakes up then neither of them or the one can go back to it. then shortly after the other one leaves the phase then its either move on or split up. normally they split up. only the lucky ones move on. when they move on they discover each other from their mind set to the way their bodies sway. then there differences and acceptance of the difference not everyone can accept so they change. they alter them to fit their standards. the changes in which i was aiming for failed. i am something different and he is starting to take form. what makes this worse is i enjoy his presence. his voice is there over riding mine. i no longer dream everything has gone black. i feel as if it’s because he is only slightly free. some of these changes are good and some are bad i have grown away from morrigan, and have begun to become attached to mackenzie. i feel lost without her. i find myself talking to her about everything. the rest of this entry is impossible to read due to age. she said yes. by this point we have went to the movies, and to a dance. she had fun. however your mind is slipping. you feel depressed and alone. see mackenzie did something to you. it like you were plunged into a well of darkness. you have trouble sleeping from all the nightmares but you still love mackenzie. all of the things written here in these pages is actually how i felt and thoughts i had. theses pages go back to the year before my freshmen year in high school. i would like to inform you that he is weak. you have now weakened him, don’t know how. however he is weak. you mind remains broken however. maybe one day it can be fixed. mackenzie fixes your mind when you’re around her. she also makes you nervous. so nervous that you don’t bite your nails. you have admitted to yourself that you love mackenzie. she is nice and kind. just being around her makes you smile. we have been together for six months. however don’t forget the dagger that is still in you heart. that poisoned blade that stings. hopefully mackenzie can remove this blade that was left there and you can live without pain. it’s time for mackenzie to see the insanity in you. your secrets will have to wait. that didn’t work she felt as if your normal. not only that she broke up with you the sunday before prom, then later that week at prom she went. you were so sad. you cried quite a bit. she didn’t even give you a reason. your dreams made up an excuse. she said in you dreams “ i left you because i needed to focus on school, and you would of wanted to get married.” you replied with “ not until after college” the last words from her was. “ yeah well then i missed out” your mental state has decayed. your emotions are everywhere you are pretty much are ok. you’re still sore from mackenzie. you will always have the demon you do. he’s more active than ever. you are becoming more hysterical with each passing day. its nice to think that this was at one point about your morals and opinions about life. now it’s grown into a sanity/love thing. you’re a madman each time i read this, i feel light. each time building myself up. each time pouring my heart out. each time i read it i write some more. these papers are my emotions my thoughts my life. if someone read theses papers i’d be happy and terrified all the same. happy becuase they would know me on a new level. mortified because they would know my heart and brain. in my opinion my sanity is based off of this. this book/journal whatever you call it. started before my freshmen year. however i never kept the beginning of it. mostly because my past and freshmen year is far darker than this. this started my sophomore summer or freshman summer. my mind is hazed with delusion. long live the ideas of a madman. i’ve been needing to put in this entry for awhile now. teddy’s sister steph, she likes you likes you a lot to be honest. now here is a topic that might take up a bit. alice. well nvm alice’s entry was taken care of before the rest of the journal. that’s not like you. well you told alice how you felt about her. you’ll find out maybe tomorrow what she says. you don’t even know if she will slap you shun you or hug you. you hope that she hugs you, but you’re pretty sure she’ll shun or slap you. steph, like’s you. she won’t give you a reason as to why. she’s tried three times to be with you. each time you said no. she cares alot for you. your really like alice, and she makes you feel all nice. you care about her. i’m pretty sure that she doesn’t feel the same way. you told her how you felt it’s out there, it’s been three days and no word. so yeah. you’ll learn tomorrow, you’ve been really stressed out, you been going to bed at 9 o’clock. 9 o’clock. you have been really stress about her. well good news and bad news, good news your text never got to her. bad news you still told her. nothing has changed, she still talks to you and hi-paws you. nothing has changed there is just an awkward feel when you’re around her now. she seems like she is stressed. she’s fine with you liking her, she didn’t do anything about it, it’s pretty much the same. to be blunt with you, you like alice a lot whether you want to believe it or not. you told her how you felt, she’s fine with it, she however has no feelings toward you, you wish for that to be a lie. everytime i’m around her my heart beats, you know exactly what you mean. you couldn’t find your heart beat if it was in your hand pulsing. you feel it everywhere in your body when you’re near her, it’s only her. today you had an emotional break down. you can’t deny it you love alice. you’re a lost cause at this point. you can’t save your self you need someone else to help you stand on your feet. you pain everyday and for what nothing, you love her for nothing you get nothing you know nothing you don’t know why you love her but you do. you just can’t stop thinking about her, why why why you are driven mad by her you want to give up, but you won’t you want to stay you want to try to want her to love you back. what you do know about alice: music taste, kind of, fav game, her fursona, her hair color, religion, her smile. i hate you, i hate you so much, so very very much. why why do you do this why do you fall so far for these girls that you know that don’t like you. first it was maddie, a nerdy girl, glasses, braces, sweet smile and wonderful, always reading books light brown hair, medium size not fat not skinny as bones medium. you feel for her for nothing and got nothing but reticule and hurt from it. second time it was victoria a girl that wore all black, and only dark makeup, teeth white as bleach and a blinding personality, always giving me advice and good music. i never told her or anyone else. one time her and a couple of her friends held me down and put black makeup on my face. my mother flipped out, i laughed non stop. this third time it’s alice, i can’t go much into detail about alice she won’t open up to tell me anything. if you ask anyone in the school apparently me and her are already together. however alice is the only one to make me smile in a long time, actually smile. why can’t you just be like everyone else and love someone you will never get along with or care about that way it doesn’t hurt when they’re gone? you just dive so deep, and jump so far, why can’t you just love someone that makes it easy? i just hate you so much. you have given up on alice, you’ve become tired of hurting yourself, and getting sick over her. you’ll continue to wait, but your not gonna drive yourself mad anymore. you told her that you were gonna stay away, so that no one comes to ask her questions about you and her. everyone’s recommendations tell you to stop, stop talking, stop laughing, stop everything. they say to remove her from your life, to end it all. i can’t, i can’t stop, i can’t end it. she makes you happy, everything she does, even if she does not mean to do it. she makes overjoyed i don’t know why. you’re so full of shit, i can’t take the absence. it looks like she is mad with you. three words keep playing over and over and over in your head “what’s the matter?” every damn day “what’s the matter?” every second “what’s the matter?” i’m getting more madness from staying away from alice then when i was with her, as a friend. have to state that for your sanity’s sake. i need to be alone and have a mental breakdown, it’s all i need to have a come back. you know you can’t self trigger a break down. just deal with it, deal with the world, silence them all. i can’t keep this up my brain is everywhere. i still hate you. you drive yourself mad. you’ve finally done it, by it, i mean you’ve finally lost all feelings for alice. you now have no feelings for anyone. hmph. well looking back a couple years, about 5 years ago, the first girl you liked, maddie. She’s the reason you are who you are today. hard to believe that if she didn’t have a manga book back then you wouldn’t of known what anime is. but it’s true shes what gave the means to live, the attitude and personality that you have now to make everyone your friend. she is the greatest person i know. i only wish that i knew how to get in touch with her, how to reach out to her. just talking to her would be my last wish. months ago just after i met alice, i had a dream about maddie. i seen her. i walked into someplace, it was tropical i believe. it was bright sun shining down, with a island in the middle of two pillars. as i passed by the island i heard her talking. i didn’t think it was her until i turned to see her sitting there. i was shocked, beyond shocked. i started to walk up toward her then she seen me. she smiled and said hey lonnie. i turned to stone. then she did one of these faces XP i knew she was messing with me then. we just talk for awhile, and that whole time her dad was sitting next to her. a very large man, if he ever went to jail he’d be BIG BIG BUBBA. i went up to ask him if it was ok if i took his daughter on a date and mid sentence he stopped me. he stayed looking forward with his drink in hand on the counter and said, “it’s not my call, it’s my daughters. now unless you’re asking me out, get lost” i asked her she said yes, i was so surprise i literally jumped out of bed waking myself up. i haven’t had any dreams about her since. she was a sweet girl that meant well and when people would cause problems she’d tell them how it is. every once in awhile people would get to her, the stress the drama the pain. she’d go into a rage. after she exited the rage and left to cool down, i would pick up the mess for her. i don’t think she ever knew that i did so. life is a necessary pain, a pain in which everyone experiences. i know that you’re only 17 and life has only just begun, but if anyone know why you are who you are it’s you. i’m trying to get in touch with her, i have to use some outside help. if i can get her number i’ll just talk to her. spend time with her if she’ll allow it. still just hoping for a chance. zero success. but honestly you haven’t been trying. today is december something 2015. you started to understand what it means to be mature. you weighing options etc. maturity isn’t what you wear, it’s how you act. I look forward in life, and see nothing. just nothing. it puts perspective on life. i think you might have depression. zero success, but it’s ok. recently when you have a dream, alice is always in it. you don’t have depression. there is a lot of things i want to say in this i just getting run down with it. well now that this has made it to a successful 11 pages, and ¾ the amounts of crazy. i don’t know what else to do. i’ve just grown tired of it all. of school, of life, of drama. i don’t know what to purpose is it anymore. is it to just continue? is to just lay down and deal with the issues that are dealt ourway? what is the goal? some people set goals, most give up on their goals. but then what happens? do they settle? do they just go about life suffering? what is the purpose? i don’t understand it. i don’t understand it at all. more importantly what am i to do? life will just go on, it’s not gonna wait for others to catch up. what will our feeble human morality lead us? everyone wants more, there’s nothing that can satisfy us. we hunger for the most expensive and highest of goods. for what reason? everyone around me thinking in the box, thinking i need this done. this test that assignment. creativity, understanding, and originality was beat out of students and made to tell you what they was told. the earth is round why? because that’s what i was told. there is no questioning people anymore. people are too literal, and uptight. i understand what the world is. i know our nature as people. i don’t like it, not one bit. it makes me sick to my stomach. however i hide my feelings. i keep the world shut out. its choice. standing out isn’t the issue. the issue is standing alone. why does a heart beat? why doesn’t it just seize up and stop completely? who’s to say were not already dead. i’ve been alive now for 18 years. but still yet there are many a thing that we can and cannot do. i don’t completely understand why we lay down and let things pass us by. why are we so inhibited by our thoughts and complete lack of remorse. we choose to do what we do, but still for some reason we do the opposite of what we should do. or even what the greater good we could do. we let others control our lives. from what we wear to how we act. other will argue that you have free will. what will do you have that enables you to decide whether it’s better to pick choice “A” or “B”. you don’t get to make any choices that concern what you want or do. those are first made by your parents. then later in your years, as you start becoming a person, your friends influence you in many ways. there is a style to the way things react, throughout our lives. it’s complicated, yet simple. you don’t control what person you become you control how you become that person. well it’s early to tell but you’re also indecisive. i don’t know if you like adrian. there is so much more i want to type but i physical cant. just thinking about her, makes my nerves get shot and hands quake. maybe there is things that i need to learn about myself even more. good news however alice isn’t embedded in your subconscious. thats right no more dreams of her, rarely even a thought. but thinking about adrian puts me to sleep. not in bad way, it just makes me seem more soundly asleep. she’s quite, nice, pretty (on the inside and out). she watches anime. i don’t know. maybe brain the annoying one that asks all the questions and reasons and ideas. it wonders if she likes me, and begs me to ask on a date or for her number. i leave it hushed, for the same reason it wants to always know (what’s the matter). a part of my heart kind of wonders if i could like her. third time re-reading this, and i must say. Madness is not a good color on you. you give up so easily, you don’t try hardly at all. you give it one shot, and if that doesn’t work you change targets. i’m so fed up with you, your actions, and your ideas. why? because i don’t what i’m going to do with my life? because i don’t know what i’m doing as i go along? Why are you so uncompromisable, selfish in every way. You don’t see the ones you hurt the ones that always pay…. You see the joy that you made from the suffering you wrought, you can not understand the feelings that you got. There may just come a day, a day in which you’ll pay, you’ll pay for the damage you’ve caused. OHHHH. I don’t know what to think about life. ` Well it’s been about 2 weeks. I just don’t want to continue I really don’t. What ever drives you to keep going? what makes you continue long after defeat? i don’t understand it. the people around me. i dream of life. i day dream it. how my future should be. how i’ll be happily married, how i’ll love my wife and kiss her belly as she is with my child. i carry all this pain, i have the poison that will kill me already in my system. i get so tired of just moving forward. i want it all to stop. i wish to be happy. i wish i could be happy for my whole life. just be glad for the things i’ve done and made. maybe someday. devon, asked adrian if she liked me. she said no. well no foul done. minimal harm done. alice is still everywhere as usual. i don’t hate alice, i hate you for loving alice. It’s been 3 months since you tried contacting maddie. i’m gonna go ahead and label that attempt as a fail. the question is are you willing to give it another attempt? or are you just gonna lie there and fall apart? it’s a fair point. my demon keeps me going at times. he pushes me forward asking me how far i’m willing to go before i am consumed. i want to get married, settle down, and die. i don’t want anything special in life just to keep going, and trudging forward. it’s all that i can do. that’s what makes me sad. Sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i was a nicer guy. a guy that could escort a woman to wherever she wish to be. one of honor and integrity. i’m not any of those things. i’m a guy of deceit, of lies and of tricks. i keep people back i build up my walls, i only let them see the great fasade of the outside. whilst the inside is completely and utterly devastated. I let those in which i trust in. only they can see the mess either they are the same way or they add to the piles. No one has helped me pick up the mess. Hmph, i asked adrian to prom… no. Asked her on a date… no. well now ain’t things just awkward for you. i wonder why you’re so freaking stupid. like really can you not see the truth laid out in front of you? sometimes i wonder what your gonna be like in the next 5 years. five years ago you would’ve killed yourself from all the bull shit that life has thrown your way. But yet here you fucking stand. God you’re such a nuisance. got my mind to stop asking me what’s the matter all the damn time. i’m glad that it’s empty up there now. however the problem as of now is that you still are alone. shut up. now you’re talking to yourself. i said shut up. See now after all wouldn’t only a madman know that? go to hell. If i go you’re coming too. you’re the reason i can’t be complete. so i’ll poison your mind, i’ll break down your heart i’ll corrupt you from the inside out. Then do it damn it. i’m tired. tired of waiting, of wanting, just end it already. No because when i do it’s gonna be big. i have great plans for you. however you have to give in. i should start origami again, it made me so happy. never mind, my grades took a big hit on that. i’ll do something… Started playing neverwinter again… woo so much fun. Got a new keyboard, got my very first pvp character to level 60. Now the hard part starts, getting to level 70. I should get around to rereading this. But I won’t. I kinda have just felt like blah the last five days. I was given a ds from a friend. Then another friend gave me a charger. Now i’m just trying to salvage out some games. As my tape is winding back listening to track again. I can’t help but to think about the ones in which i’ve always doubt the ones that say they’ll always care. My sadness brings distrot, my openness tells my lies. I can’t help but to cry out for the only that swear they’re there. But my cries are yet hollow screams, screeches of my past. A past in which i left behind. Behind This rusted iron heart. It’s a pain. Life is big mother fucking pain. I mean that literally and figuratively. It’s been a literal pain because I am in pain. I’ve been having back pain. It’s a figurative pain because of all the stress i have going on in my life at the moment. I go to school and put in 8 hours, then go home where it’s always a fucking mess. I get nagged at about “who you going to prom with?” “What you plan on doing after school?” “That’s not a real job.” “You can’t play videogames if you have a job.” I get so sick of the constant Bull shit that is my life. I have explained and answered every damn question posed to me. Hell i’ll give an answer even if i don’t know it. But when it turns from questions to statements, and from statements to limits. That when i want to go off. I want to fuucking explode. I have people that can help calm me down, but i’m getting tired of there shit. It’s lying shit. I can handle being alone, i can handle not talking to someone. I can be fine. But when i rely on someone, i expect them to be there not give me some two faced bull shit. Or pull up and out without so much as a warning. Then two-three weeks later waltz in because they need me. I get so tired of the pain, the loss, and getting left behind. I’ve thought about it time and time again. Each time getting to the same conclusion. NO. I just want relief from life. I dreamed of maddie again. She got a haircut. Short, i like it. We talked for multiple hours i kissed her on her head before i woke up. This dream has been racken my mind for the last week i needed to get it down. I been having dreams standard dreams that I normally have, but I can’t remember them. It’s grown to be quite distracting. On top of that I have been typing my senior memory book. I’ve had to talk about maddie how i felt about my life. Past schools, so much things have past. Things I wish I’d forgotten. But still yet they’re not forgotten, we remember everything but forget the things that hurt the most. I wish i could continue in another way through life. Today is just a day. A day in which i feel off. It’s not the somethings different, or the air is weird. It’s something deep down in me. Emotionally. I know that without maddie i wouldn’t be who i am today. For maddie showed me how to be myself how to stand up in what i believe and what i think. Even after ive been knocked down. But i never had emotions when it came down to it. I was detached i believed that you die your dead i can’t do anything. So what. But that all changed. That all changed when i met Mackenzie. I felt something, mostly confused and shy, but something. That week after she dumped you you was fine. You seemed good, upbeat, a false facade. But that following week when you made it to prom, thats when right there that you caved. You fell apart. You was mad. Not at her not at anyone, But yourself. I cried that night at prom, just tears. I dried it up and pulled myself together. I soon after left. My mother and grandmother talked about her, how nice she looked why i wasn’t waiting, this and that. The razor went deep. I held strong. When i got home, and got my tux off. I layed down into my bed. Beginning to send my last text. Over watery eyes i decide to say nothing and leave it empty. But i recieve a text from her saying good-bye. I reply good-bye. I begin to weep. I wept myself to sleep. I woke up the following morning. Feeling like just shit. My mom and grandma, still talking about how nice she looked and etc. if i was gonna call her. I tried holding firm. I really did. But i got up from the living room and went to the other side of the house where they was and broke down. I collapsed to my knees and wept. Makenzie is who opened my doors to my heart. Now i can’t close them. I fell what everyone feels. I see the pain in others hearts, i feel their pain. I want it to stop so much. But i’m glad she did so because now I can relate to others I can see, feel, and understand people on a whole new level. It��s an odd thing from what I’m use too. Today is prom, senior prom, think about it one year prior to this you was a wreck. Today you stand before me a better man, i’m so proud of you. I wish you could be better though. You seen alice all beautiful today, stunning actually, you got a weird surge of feelings. I’m just gonna ignore. But today was nice. It’s just another day i suppose. The other day for no reason I passed out, I got 15 hours of sleep I have no clue why. I almost didn’t get up. It’s quite odd, however I didn’t remember a single dream from those hours. I have to tell this story. The reason I became Lonnie The Lion, or better yet how. This all started for a girl. Much like most things it started with a girl. First day of school I see this cute girl I’ve never met before. She sat in the front row, I sat in the far back. I wanted to talk to her, but I didn’t know how. Day 2, So whenever we introduced ourselves around the classroom I stood up and said that I like videogames and i’m a weirdo. Hoping that would get her attention. It didn’t. Day 3, I sat around my house trying to come up with a way that would grab attention. So I was looking around my room and seen my lion’s tail, it’s not a real lion’s tail, and decided that was how I would do it. I would wear a tail and get her attention, if not then no foul. It worked I got her attention. We started talking everyday. But I kind of just wore it for her. I felt like I didn’t want to remove it if that was the case. Then when day 5 came someone said you should wear that everyday for the year. So that’s exactly what I did. Then eventually it became apart of me. Then I found a hoodie on the internet that I could buy. I bought it and wear it everyday. But this all started because of a girl that started falling for, it was Alice. Eventually my tail kind of become apart of me. Alice started wearing a tail as well. Then more people started doing so as well. Furries, Pagans, and such. Tails became such a problem that the school is literally making a rule banning tails in the handbook next year. I enjoy that because I left my mark. I also find it funny that in like four or five years there will be one person that looks up the dress code and sees that. Will be like what is with this rule? So it’s a nice thought. In the end, after all the crap. After everything I done, I pulled Alice close, pushed her away, then ran her off. You know what I’ll remember about it. How for a year of my life I wore a tail, fought with my emotions, lost each battle, and died a little inside each time. But none the less I’ll remember it. I can feel the weight of the world again. I think I might fall in its wake. This chapter is about my first serious romance. Which as of now ended about a year ago. This story will be my favorite and worst story to talk about. Well here we go. It was the start of summer in 2014. We was just released from school, for summer break. Now unlike most kids, I don’t do much over summer except play video games. Now I had friends that also played games with me, but not as often as I played games. One afternoon, right after I woke up, I got my xbox 360 to see who was playing what and who’s online. I seen that my good friend Justice was playing minecraft. At the time Justice was in a relationship with a girl named Courtney. I had never really talked or met Courtney, none the less I joined the party in which Justice was in. (parties on xbox 360 are like chat rooms with mics) Justice and Courtney was playing a game known as minecraft. I too owned minecraft and started playing it with them. It became a thing that we would do from time to time. Then one day following the usual route, I noticed a new player had joined us. Not knowing them I kind of just ignored them and continued building. Everything went on the same, I assumed the person was a guy they didn’t talk while I was there and I couldn’t see there profile info. We was never properly introduced so we didn’t talk to each other. Then what happens, is Justice and Courtney had a date, and left me and this stranger alone together. I called them by their profile name (edited for safety), and they called me by mine L0n3lykn1ght. We shortened our names down such as knight and spore. Over time we introduced ourselves to one another. Her name was Mackenzie. At first we just played minecraft and talked about assassin’s creed. I didn’t think of her as anything, she was just there, someone fun. We started spending all of our time together. Building houses, catching animals, assassinating people. (video games) Then we started talking about our real lives. We talked about family, morals, religion, and list goes on. We talked about relationships and we both learned that neither of us was in one. I asked her to prom right in the middle of this, she said yes. She asked if we was friends, I told her more of a good aqutentence. Because I didn’t want to friend-zone her. I asked if I was friend-zoned, she said not yet. (friend-zone=death, if you like the girl/guy) I tried to play it off smooth, I said so there’s a chance? Her reply what do you mean? Me, nothing. I was just flirting of course. But everything became different one day. She said that she had a job, I congratulated her, she said she wouldn’t be playing xbox the following day. Me not thinking it’s serious, ok well I’ll see you later then. I wake up turn on my xbox goto play a game and realize I have no-one to play with or talk too. I turned off my xbox laid back on my bed and thought I broke myself. But I knew I didn’t. I didn’t want to play anything because I wasn’t playing it with her. That’s when I knew that I loved her. Now as every guy knows you can’t just tell a girl you love her you have to wait. Plus we wasn’t even dating. Now my mom has a thing about keeping doors open, all the time, unless you’re in the bathroom. So my mom knew when I was talking to Mackenzie, or this or that. She however would like for me to sit down and tell her, and talk to her about, important things in my life. Now I had been talking to Mackenzie for about 2 months, and debated on asking her for about a week or two. So I sat down with my mother and told her that I like Mackenzie, she asked some questions. How old is she, where is she from, does she go to your school, etc. A couple of the big ones was, does she like you back?, what will you do if she doesn’t? I answered all of her questions and put her at ease. Then I set out to ask her the following day. Then guess what I didn’t do the following day. Thats right I forgot to ask her. So I did it two days later, because she had to go to work the next day. So I waited. The day I asked her I will remember for years to come. July 6th, 2014, I tried to ask her using my voice but my mic was having issues, according to her, so I asked her through xbox messages. She replied with a yes. Now I couldn’t tell the excitement or anything like that but she said she was happy. Now keep in mind I never actually met her, or seen her face, and the same for me. After about a week of dating, and texting we finally decide to meet. We scheduled to meet the next time that she would be coming in too Muncie. I decided along time ago that I wouldn’t care what she looked like, and I didn’t. If she looked good then bonus for me. If not then no harm done. I dressed up that day looking the best that I could. Because I didn’t know what to dress like or what to expect. I also wanted to impress her. When I got there I wasnt disappointed at all. Regardless of how I dressed or looked she was gorgeous. She was gorgeous and wore pants and a t-shirt. She also had a friend with her. Someone I kind of knew but didn’t care for, Ellie. Mostly because Ellie is a narcissistic, condescending, know it all. But if she was Mackenzie’s friend I would learn to tolerate her. Mackenzie and I didn’t talk once when we first met. We talked over the mic a lot, but we never talked in person. Mackenzie and I go on our first date together. We went and seen Guardians of The Galaxy. It was a great movie. We laughed about it a lot. During the movie I kept looking at her. I often found myself captivated. After the movie we waited for her brother to come and pick her up. We said good-bye and she left. At the time I had no clue what it was like in a relationship. I actually almost left her there alone to wait for her brother. I felt disappointed in myself, felt like a bad boyfriend. October, Halloween, Mackenzie and I go to the school dance together, I arrive early, super early. She is dressed as Batman, I’m dressed as a lion man. Her and I don’t dance, we sit around and play games, and talk. We talked to our friends most of the night, not really to each other. As the party starts to settle down. Her mom shows up, Mackenzie leaves without even saying goodbye. I call for a ride and get taken back home my mother who then asks me a bunch of questions. As usual I answer them all, and go off to bed. (Somewhere around this time I told her that I loved her. Bad move on my part she didn’t love me. Looking back I don’t blame her.) We was planning on going on a third date, but get around to it. Christmas passed we got each other gifts, we didn’t get them for awhile though. Our schedules didn’t match up. New Year’s came as I spent it with my family in Kentucky that year. I took my xbox so I could talk to her and play games with her. My father came to get for a couple days and I told him no, because I would be spending my time with her. He felt as if I picked her over him. Which in a way I did. The night of New Year’s Eve, I stayed up and watched the ball drop. I texted her happy new year, although she specifically told me not too. I did it anyway, it just didn’t seem right. My birthday came two weeks after New Year’s day. She decided to take me out to eat and we would go to the mall and shop around. That day I actually met her brother. He was straightforward, talked about what he likes to do, and such. Let me see the new glock that just came out that year. He even was going to take me hunting. I even met her grandpa, it wasn’t planned he was just at the mall when we was. It was a great birthday. Valentine’s day comes around, it rained that day, thunderstorms everywhere. We got each other things but didn’t meet for a week or two after that. When we did meet we met at her house. My first time being over. I brought her valentine gifts and her christmas gifts. We opened our gifts and talked for awhile. For Valentine’s day she got me a coffee cup with a stuffed puppy. I got her a teddy bear, and a basket with her favorite candy. I met her step-dad that day. He seemed good. March 24th, if i recall correctly, Mackenzie’s birthday. I got her a game that she planned on playing I got her Skyrim from the elder scrolls series. We hang out and watched tv. Then it was time for me to leave. I asked her if it was alright if I got a hug. She said yes and I got a side-hug. I won’t complain about it because I was just happy to have got a hug. April 3rd, I remember this day like hell it self. That night was awful. I, not her, I went off. I had texted her good morning and goodnight for months straight. Without a single reply. I didn’t ask for much but I didn’t tell her how I felt. I asked her if she even cared, If she even cared about me. She said yes. I don’t remember much else it’s blank from there. It ends with her saying that she thinks we should break up. I say if that what she thinks is best and she says yes and it’s mutual? I started crying, and type yes. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning comes no-one knows except me, in my family. I get up and go to school talk to my friends as usual. They ask me this and that, want to know if im fine. I lied and said yes. Mackenzie and I stayed friends, I asked her if we would ever end up back together. A swift no was sufficient. 3 weeks before school lets out and i start getting depressed. I lost my motive to work, to do anything I just sat in class. She said she would go to prom with me because i already bought the tickets and got a suit and etc. So she went with me. I didn’t tell my family. They kept asking how she was and if she was coming over and so forth. I either said no or i don’t know. They thought i was being a jerk. Not knowing the pain I was going through. Prom night, I feel confident, proud even. As if I could finally stand on my own. I get out of the car, and I see her. In all her magnificence, I felt my heart sink to a pit never knew. We walked out together, and waited, for promenade to end. After it ended we went our separate ways. I found my family, they yelled at me for losing track of her. And that I need to be a better boyfriend. That hurt right there. After it was over I went into prom. Finding the place farthest away from the dance floor, in the darkest corner. I wanted to wallow in the misery. I didn’t my misery was short lived for i had to straighten up for people decided to sit with me. They asked me what was wrong, i told them nothing. Once again another lie. I eat all the sugary foods i could find. Killed every single one of the goldfish near me. Then at the end when they played a slow song I burst into tears. About five min later I couldn’t stand it anymore. I left I called my mom and went home. She asked me what about Mackenzie. I told her she was getting a ride with her friends, which she was. But as usual my grandma had to criticize my choices, and that I should of waited. I wanted to tell them then, I wanted to break down, in that very moment. I didn’t I got home got out of my suit. Layed on my bed and got my phone out. I was going to sent one last goodbye and didn’t she sent one first. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning I wake up to my grandma and mom talking about prom and how “cute” “adorable” “happy” her and I looked. I took the pain. Then my sister looks me straight in the eye and says something. I can’t remember what she said but it broke me. I got up and said I can’t take it anymore. I went into the living room where my grandma and mom was as they was criticizing me, and broke down. I went hysterical, crying uncontrollably, weeping on my knees. I collapsed. After I told them what had happened through jagged breath. They stopped, it all stopped. My world had stopped. I have been having an odd time. I feel bad but nothing bad has happened. However nothing good has happened either. I feel as if I’m slowly deteriorating. It’s been that way for awhile. I don’t know how to reverse it I kind of just want it to stop. Good news however, No more voices. Sometimes when i look at my arm it doesn’t feel like my arm. It’s an odd feeling. I feel like I’m empty. Last night I had a dream within a dream. I had a dream about my family they was rich. So rich we owned a train made of gold. The dream within a dream was about a my life and things I’ve screwed up. When I woke up from the dream within a dream I found out I was in a coma for 12 years. My sister became a famous singer. That’s what lead to our wealth. My sister’s inspiration for her music was me. Whenever I woke from my coma, I tried to get info for how long I was gone. My mom told me to continue being asleep so my sister could continue writing her music. My sister later learned that I was awake. She continued to write her music. However, I lost the better years of my life. It was awful. ‎Monday, ‎June ‎6, ‎2016 Today I felt lonely. As if I was in the bottom of the world with its weight baring down onto me. I once again started thinking of love. What My like could of been and how my life has changed. I think about alot of things. I have thoughts and dreams, nightmares and crushes just like everyone else. But still yet I feel different, as if something is wrong with me. I wonder if others feel the same way. Ill never know now will I? I leave questions thoughout my life so one day I can reflect and maybe answer them. As I’m typing this little Ash is putting his paw on my shoulder as if to tell me im not alone. Its hard to believe that this journal all started because I heard a song on the radio and was wondering what i stood for. Four years later I still have no clue. Does anyone ever know. ‎Tuesday, ‎June ‎21, ‎2016 I have strong urge to put on my mask. I dont feel sad, lonely, or depressed. I feel numb as if nothing can faze me right now. My right arm feels like its consumed again, as if its not mine. Almost as if its the demon’s. I kind of want to cut it off. But its comforting, it’s soothing in a way. It’s what really wants to wear the mask. It’s yearning to put it on. hmph I’ve been leaning abit to my old self. seculded, antisocial, withdrawen from the world. which means one day ill become crazy once again. that will be interesting. 12-14 withdrawen, 14-16 crazy, 16-18 normal, 18- withdrawen ‎Monday, ‎July 4th, ‎2016 Yesterday was great, I hung out with Shayla, played magic, watched fireworks. Even got ice cream. I kind of have been falling for Shayla but, not saying shes bad or anything, shes great, and nice and kind, but im pretty sure its just summer thats making it that way. I never really liked Shayla like that and still dont. Because when i think of Shayla I think of a good friend, someone i can trust with my deepest secrets. Ive reread this once more now, I laughed, I cried, mostly cried. But that is life isnt it? ‎Friday, ‎November ‎25, ‎2016 the document was not saved and i lost months of information, most covoring my dreams and current status. my dreams involved maddie i keep thinking about her and how much i love her. my mind whisks me away to a place where we are destined to meet once more, where we will laugh and love and live as if we were ment to have that life. my current status is living in kentucky with my mom. i left my job in portland, i was being overworked and couldnt even take care of myself things have been hard for me. i got another job and quit it because of the crappy standards they set. then i started working at walmart. works not bad but i wont be there long they hired me as a temp, for the holidays, soon bills will pill up and ill be unemployed once more. arzeals-journal I’ve found a way to get a hold of maddie. However she didn’t respond. I think it’s time to let go. I got a new job working at Walmart once again different store though. My life is starting to get back on track once more but it’s still a mess. I had another dream about maddie 2 weeks ago. It’s a shame that I feel like I love her so even though I know so little about her. I think I might be entering depression or it could just be this flu. I don’t know. I’m done I can’t take it anymore. I just want to be happy. It’s all I want. Todays Feb/25/2018 I met someone about 3 days ago and she has convinced me too try and add an addition to the journal every week. so seeing as how i haven’t posted in about 8 months so lets do a catch up session first. I got a job at Walmart in Muncie. I worked there for about 4 months i loved my job but management pissed me off then when the school season started up i quit working at Walmart to go to college. my first session of classes was fine except for my math and English courses both of the teachers need their license suspended. One day close to the end of my semester right before my largest assignments, as i was driving to class, a man driving a black truck rear-ended my car totaling his truck and my car breaking my seat and giving me lower spine whiplash. The medicine that the doctor put me on gave me no more pain temporarily but the side effect was intense sleep. Because of that i missed several classes and assignments. Which resulted in me failing classes i would of passed. Life is hell again. May 16, 2018 I feel like exploding. i skipped the part were i reread the journal and see how life has improved or changed. But i think i will be going back down my road of insanity. I’m already showing signs. However this time i dont have anyone to hold me to the ground. Some times i just want to let it out so i can be relieved but i think if i do that i may end up hurting people. I’ve noticed that i feel lonelier then ever, and it keeps growing. 7/29/2018 why do I keep pushing on? I don’t understand as to why I stay on this planet. Its filled with pain, and strife and it feels like each day gets worse and worse. I wonder why it feels like it keeps worse and worse, I dont have a bad life I have friends I can talk too. But for some reason it doesnt feel like enough I feel hollow, I feel like my heart is barren. then when I start to see an oasis in the distance it turns out to be a mirage. I leave myself open all the time and I keep hurting myself or letting myself get hurt. I use to believe it would get easier with time but it doesnt seem like it is im driving myself to sorrow and yet I sit here wondering how to make myself feel better and I cant.