#1.399 heartz

[rkxluda]

Showtime

Surreal, that's the only thing that was on the girl's mind really. Personally, while it felt like a long journey, it really wasn't, if she thought about it logically. She's only trained for a bit over two years before debuting now, the more she thought about it, the less it felt like enough time, the less it felt like she was really prepared for what was to come.

“I'm nervous,” she said to Jiyeon, maybe a bit unnecessarily so as they surely all were. At least she couldn't imagine that anyone was calm in this kind of situation, but if so, she wanted to know their ways. “Do you think we've practised enough?” she continues asking the female, eternally glad that she'd at least known half of her subunit-members before the project. Being in this with complete strangers, even if she got along with them, just wouldn't have been the same as this.

She linked arms with Jiyeon in an extra attempt to calm herself down a little bit further and hopefully the other as well. They'd known each other for so long, from her library days till now, the elder had taught her how to properly walk in heels, had encouraged her singing... “Thank you,” she then added out of nowhere.

@rkxjiyeon

[rkxluda]

Heartz September Eval Travelling far and wide + Heartz 1/3

Luckily, her hair was extremely easy to care for these days and just like the first time, no dyeing was necessary as her hair was naturally black. While a colour would have been fun, after her past adventures of dying it a lot and probably in much too short time-spans, it was good to give it a rest and simply treat it with conditioners and oils and such. She couldn't remember the last time her hair had been this healthy.

New Zealand was their first goal and it would be a huge understatement to say that she was excited. The whole travelling situation was exhausting of course, spending so much time on planes and all that, but it was more than worth it. And the time on the planes wasn't at all bad when she could spend it with the others, like that one time she joked around with Yena, the younger girl recording her, asking her questions befitting a debut-travel log.  Hong Kong wasn't any less exciting, either and she was a little sad once they'd gotten back home.

The restrictions idol live brought with it weren't exactly fun. She dearly missed her mother and wanted to talk to her about everything in person, but as a busy almost-idol, she couldn't check in with her mum quite as much as she would've liked to. The girl knew that the shop was still going well and that her uncle visited a lot more frequently, so that was definitely good.

As per usual, she was nervous, this time because of the unit debut. It was an entirely different thing than the solo preparations, especially with promotions, but she was also very, very glad that there was five of them in this unit and hoped her joy would be visible in everything they'd filmed, well, only as far as that was appropriate in the scenes of course.

One thing that changed and that was rather surprising though, was that she was sleeping much better than she'd done during the first couple of months of the debut. Sure, she was much more tired as well, but still, it was nice to feel more rested and it did calm her down a good amount as well.

And even more surprising was that she actually felt good about herself, felt as though she'd done as much as she'd been able to and as good as she possibly could. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but then she'd never done something exactly like this before, so room for growth was to be expected, right?

[rkxluda]

HEARTZ LUDA DEBUT LIVE STREAM! .・。✭

Monday, 2020.07.06

It was more than just a little surprising that sphere actually gave her access to the group’s vlive channel right after debuting. Hopefully she wouldn’t say anything wrong, but she did take notes on things that she wasn’t allowed to talk about. Very general ones, so in case the notes reflected on something, no one would be able to make any sense of them. Probably unnecessary, but she’d always been a careful person.

As Luda set up the stream and waited for everything to load, it suddenly felt like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room. Her hands were shaking a little, as she pulled a strand of hair back, out of her face and she took a deep breath. She’d never done this before, so she had no idea how it would turn out. Of course she’d tried to prepare herself as best as possible, watching other idol’s streams and such, but the practical experience was still missing. Maybe she should’ve asked Minhee to do this together.

She took deep breaths until it seemed to have loaded, her face immediately lit up, the corners of her mouth pulling into a big grin and her eyes scanning the screen to see if everything was as it should be or whether there was any kind of notification that the sound or any such thing wasn’t working properly. Luda bowed and waved at the viewers that already joined the stream, but those that watched from the very beginning would have caught her confused expression before she’d realised that the stream had already started.

She’d posted the link to her social media on the previous day, but had still worried if anyone would show up at all. Her smile only widened as the viewer’s numbers went up and her eyes went big once the counter hit 2.000. Maybe not a big number overall, but definitely to her.

“Hello! I’m Heartz’ girl of the month of July, Lee Luda!” she introduced herself, bowing politely again. “Should I introduce myself a little bit more, first?” she asked a little awkwardly once she was sitting up straight again and put attention to her posture being properly straight. “I’m currently 23 years old and grew up in Seoul as an only child, but my mum makes the best cakes in the world!” she chuckled, “Ah! And if you have any questions, please ask! I will do my best to answer as much as possible~” she was still smiling at the camera and looked at the comments section, until her eyes briefly switched to the camera again, “Of course I can’t answer anything about future debuts or plans, though!” she noted, her face looking more serious just for a moment.

Not sure if she should say anything more as she looked at the comments section, she started to hum “I’ll Be There”, so there wouldn’t be complete silence as she was reading.

“Oh,‘white, milk, or dark chocolate?’ someone wants to know, hmm,” she pondered, her index finger covered her lips and her eyes looked up to the side, in thought. Probably, she was taking this more serious than she needed to, but better this, than the opposite. She didn’t want anyone to think that she wasn’t taking them serious enough. “This is a really tough question, I love chocolate, but I think white has to be my favourite! Now, I know that white chocolate isn’t technically chocolate, but it’s delicious, especially with whole hazelnuts in it!” Luda chuckled. “I love other chocolate as well though, and- Ah! Do you guys know Tiramisu? My mum sometimes made it when I was a child, so she changed some ingredients up. She uses chocolate and cocoa powder! If you haven’t yet tried it, you definitely should! It’s also really easy to make!” she mentioned briefly about the coffee and alcohol free version she grew up with.

“Hmm~“ she hummed scrolling further and stopped at a random one, closing her eyes until she stopped at a random comment and read it aloud, “ Sangkeumyuzu says ‘Eonni, I love you~’ “ she chuckled, holding one hand in front of her face, a little embarrassed, “Aaah, thank you! Eonni loves you too~“ she said, blushing, her thin layer of makeup unable to hide it. Not sure how to properly react, she shyly went on to the next comment.

“What else do we have~~ Ah, KingKiwi97 asked: “Who are your role-models? Please sing us a song from your favourite artist!’ that’s easy!” she was grinning again, happy to have gotten a question that asked her to sing. There were two artists she had in mind and the first artist’s song she’d heard and sung so often, it came quite naturally to her. She took a sip of water, turned to the side of the frame, before she started.

Sky that pours light (I) stand under it Fly as if I’m dreaming My life is a beauty

She sang a few lines, with her eyes closed, before she stopped and looked into the camera again. She wasn’t sure how much she should sing, not wanting to bore anyone, but wanting to follow through with the request as well. “Chi Chi’s Nara has such a beautiful voice, right? I’ve been a fan of hers for a really long time. And as for my favourite group…”

I shouldn’t have let you go like that What was so great about my pride that I couldn’t hold onto you? I can’t believe that I won’t ever see you again When you were all I knew

This night is still following you No matter how hard I try, I miss you so much This night is passing I hate myself for not being able to sleep without you No matter how much I wait, you’re not here And I can’t sleep

When will I get over you and fall asleep comfortably? I just can’t help it, I’m just waiting for morning to come

“Sorry, I know it’s a bit sad,” she smiled after doing her best to sing, again, sounding calm but befittingly sad. They both were songs she’s sung over and over again, so she was pretty confident in having done well. “But Melody Day is one of my favourite groups as well, they all sing sooo well, right? Their osts are always great… but really, there are so many great artists, I could list them all day!” she chuckled. “Let me know if I should sing you something more, okay?”

“Notice me? I’ve officially noticed you!“ she laughed, though she wasn’t sure if that was really such a great thing. “Oh, but Sangkeumyuzu aren’t you the same person as earlier? Then I’ve already noticed you!“ she said.

“My favourite sport?” she hummed, thinking for a moment as she tilted her head to the side, her index finger toughing the bottom of her chin. “I’m not sure if this counts, but I like doing Yoga, it’s relaxing, but it can also be quite difficult! I like jogging too and if I can manage to go, I love swimming! I heard it’s very healthy to swim, yet not as exhausting on the body, for example on the ankles and joints in general!” she started losing her trail of thoughts a little and just went rambling on for a moment, until she caught herself soon after. “Is there any type of sport you can recommend to me?” she added.

The next question made Luda chuckle, it just sounded too adorable. “Hm… mini_bunny asked '5 minhees or a 5 year old minhee?’ That’s a tough question… Minhee-unnie is a great person you know? If you haven’t yet you should watch her music videos!! It’s a very fun song and video, and she did just perfectly! And she always works so hard!” she wasn’t only smiling brightly as before, but the admiration for her friend was quite evident in her expression and choice of words. However, that didn’t make the question any easier. “Minhee is great, but 5 Minhees would be 5 times as great right? Then again, there can only be one real Minhee…” she said with furrowed brows, taking the question much more serious than it was probably intended to be. “But Minhee as a five year old must be sooo adorable, I’d like to see that! She always takes great care of me, of anyone around her honestly, so I’d like to be the older one for once and give back all the kindness!” Luda nodded to affirm her statement.

“Let’s see what the next one says... Oh?” she said, grinning widely, recognising the handle. “It’s from user Sangkeumyuzu again! Thank you for dedication!” she said, bowing politely, not really having expected anyone to keep commenting like this. And she wasn’t going to lie, it made her happy, which her smile showed quite obviously. “ ‘I’m your biggest faaaaan’ “ Again, she wasn’t sure how to react and again, she hid behind her hands, chuckling and blushing. “Thank you very much, this makes me very happy to hear!” She finally said, sincerely looking at the camera as she did so.

There were many more comments than she’d expected. Surely not as many as someone popular would have, but that was fine, she was just happy that some people cared at all. It was crazy to think about how she was actually officially debuted now, but she couldn’t concentrate on that, shouldn’t let herself be distracted so easily.

“Hmm, there’s a few of you asking what my favourite animal is, but can you guess?” she returned the question and chuckled reading the comments section. “Dogs, cats… and sheep? That’s an interesting answer, I do like sheep, they’re so fluffy, round and soft! But they’re not quite my favourites… Bumblebees? They’re also cute and so round! I never would have guessed you’d answer so creatively, I fear my answer will be really boring compared to that~” Luda paused for a moment, for some added 'suspense’ if one could call it that. “Those saying cats were right! Though dogs are a close second. I love how determined cats are! They know what they want and they work hard to get there! For example with those toys that hide treats inside of them. And when a cat shows affection once in a blue moon… that feels super special, right?”

Scanning the messages again, her lips were quickly pulled into a cute pout, “Ah, I told you my answer wouldn’t be as interesting, don’t be too disappointed, okay~~?” she asked of the viewers that indeed seemed to have expected a more interesting answer. “But I was very lucky, because I got to film with cats! There were so so many cats in the music video! Have you seen it yet? I hope that if you haven’t, you will~~ The staff and I put a lot of effort in, to make it the best it can be! But I promise to learn more and do better in the future as well!” her eyes were clear as she looked at the camera. She was still nervous, but not shaking anymore and Luda was almost surprised at how much fun she had while streaming. It was a great feeling, really.

“What’s your favourite item?” again, she didn’t need to think for very long. Her instinct was to jump up and get the little device, but instead she decided to stay and search the item on the internet. “This little thing right here, does anyone know what it is?” Luda asked, holding her phone in front of the camera, not considering that she could’ve gotten a message from someone, saying something that wasn’t meant for the public eye. Luckily nothing happened. Her eyes widened a little, her mouth forming the appropriate “o” to go with it and she chuckled, glad that the little mini-heart attack she just got was easy to distract herself from. “Of course you guys are smart! You’re right, it’s a galaxy projector! A dear friend gave it to me as a birthday gift! It’s very nice to just turn the lights off and look at the projected galaxy on the ceiling! Very calming and a little… mysterious? I like it very much.”

The stream had been going on for a while and she started to suppress the yawns that crawled up on her. “It’s getting late, so I’ll choose one last question!” she announced, smiling softly. Her eyes moved over the words written by complete strangers, something she’d never thought she’d get to do. Especially not this soon.

“Can you sing me a lullaby?” she repeated aloud. “That sounds like a good way to end the stream, right? Hm… Ah!” she looked directly at the camera again, after looking to the side to think, her index finger pointing up as her mind spontaneously formed a plan. “I’ll sing you two lullabies, okay? The first one is a little bit more upbeat and called 'Night Moon’ by SBGB the second one is a little more sad but also calmer, making it easier to fall asleep to, it’s called 'How are you, my dear’ by Saevom~”

She played both song’s instrumentals over her phone, one after the other, and sang softly. Sometimes she looked off to the bottom/side, but more often than that Luda looked at the camera, a soft smile on her lips here and there, but she was concentrating on singing well first and foremost. Her voice was clear and she realised what a perfect fit “Around You” really was for her… maybe she should’ve sung that instead? But she didn’t want to look like she was shamelessly promoting her own song either.

The second song ended and she quietly looked at the camera for a moment, still smiling softly. “What do you think?” She asked, whispering, “Next time I will sing 'Around You’ for you, so be sure to watch again, okay?” she decided on the spot, wanting to point out that she hadn’t forgotten her own song at all. “Good night, everyone, and I hope you can sleep a little easier tonight. Don’t go to sleep too late, alright?” she continued whispering, having heard about asmr recently. After waving at the camera and making finger hearts with both hands, accompanied by a cute face, she ended the stream. Luda was weirdly happy but also felt somehow empty. It was hard to grasp and describe.

But after this she decided she wanted to be to fans what lullabies were to her. A comfort, giving the feeling of calmness and making it easier for people to sleep, so they could get a good night’s rest to start afresh on a new morning. She wanted to be the voice people heard before they sunk into a deep, comfortable sleep, dreaming about whatever it was they most wanted to dream about.

[rkxluda]

.・.✭a whole new world

It wasn't exactly easy for Luda to meet the new girls in the project, now where she wasn't in her group anymore. She knew there were new girls added to the group, but nothing too specific. That is, except for the one or other rare occasion, where she did have some time to stop by. And to her surprise, she found a familiar face was added to the group—the girl she'd seen taking a photo of the casting note for the new concept.

“Choi Yena, right?” she approached the girl, smiling as usual. She'd also found out that she was the one person who'd commented on her live stream a couple of times, which admittedly, made her a little curious as well. Though today there was something else she had in mind.

“Hello! I'm Lee Luda,” she said, deciding not to ask anything in the direction of 'do you remember me?', not wanting to make things awkward. “Say... do you happen to know what 'OP' means in a game?” she asked. She'd scrolled through twitter earlier, following a tag that rated idols' eyes, noses and lips and somehow ending up in a different tag, that must have something to do with gaming. She may know nothing about the game (or language used), but she'd been able to figure out it was a game after some research done. But in the end there were many words she'd never heard of and if she was to be honest, she got pretty confused pretty fast. Her skills didn't really reach much further than easy, idle games.

@yuzurk

[rkxluda]

@juyeonrk

“How are you holding up?” Luda asked Juyeon with a smile, legs crossed. While she usually leaned towards shyness and insecurity more often than not, she was still a social person and wanted to get to know everyone at least a bit better if possible. “A pure concept isn't really your favourite type of concept, right?” she asked with a sympathetic expression, judging by the other girl's solo choices so far. And yet Luda still felt as though the other was doing better than her, that she had a better chance to make it.

And yet, with all her doubting and worrying, she wouldn't want the ability to look into the future, even if it was handed to her... though it would be really nice to know whether all of her hard work would eventually pay off or not. For some reason she hadn't expected this to be so tiring, but obviously it was quite silly to have expected anything less, when any of them could possibly debut so soon.

[rkxluda]

Debut Elation

A bit further into the month, Luda was leaning back onto the wall, a cute bracelet in hand, the pretty box that came with the purchase on her lap. The video call with Eunbi was trying to connect and she hoped the hotel's wifi would be enough for their plans of chatting some. Luda almost felt more excited for the other than for herself. And while she dialed her excitement back a little (in case the other wasn't feeling as happy, one could never know) she'd wanted to do something for the younger girl. Aside from the something for Eunbi moving in of course.

"Hello!!~" she greeted, almost grinning, lucky they managed to find a fitting time, now where she was in London it wasn't so easy with the timezones. "How are you feeling? Are things moving along well?" she asked both excited but also a little worried. She could still remember her initial reaction after all, even if she hadn't really told anyone.

Thinking back, it felt like the conversation they'd had soon after the project first started was ages ago, even though it had only been a few months since then. And yet Luda had debuted and Eunbi was set to debut soon enough. Sometimes things really happened in an unexpected kind of way.

@rkwxnb

[rkxluda]

Flower Talk

“Do you have anything in mind already?” Luda asked Sooyoung curiously as they walked through the aisles and shelves of decorative items. Luda had already brought a few things from home to the dorm, but she found her little area of the room still looked pretty empty. The plants she'd gotten were nice, especially as they survived with very little care, only having to be watered every couple of weeks, but they weren't quite enough by themselves.

And while shopping was always nice, she was much more looking forward to some bonding time with Sooyoung, they hadn't really seen much of each other in the past almost two years, but would be living together from now on after all.

“How was Iceland? I'm sure it's quite beautiful,” she said. Luda wasn't sure how the other felt, but personally, she would've loved to go to Iceland herself, so naturally she was excited that Sooyoung had been able to go there. At the same time, she didn't want to bring up debut preparations too much since surely there'd be enough talking about that in the following weeks.

@rkhsy

[rkxluda]

Bingle Bangle

Admittedly, it was a little bit late for a proper welcome. And yet, with everything going on, Luda hadn't been able to go and buy what she'd wanted to earlier. And then they were regularly out of the country (not that she was complaining), which had only made her plans more difficult to follow, but Luda would rather be late than not do this at all. 

"Hello!" she greeted the new trainee, Mina. "I know this a little bit late, but welcome to Sphere and the project," she said and held out a cute little pouch that hid a cute, dangly little bracelet in it. 

It'd been a bit difficult to figure out what best she could get for Mina, but she eventually managed to find something that she hoped the other would like. It wasn't anything special (just in case it really wasn't her thing, she didn't want to make the other feel bad for receiving an expensive gift that she didn't like), but a lot of thought had gone into it, still.

“I hope you’re adapting well?” Luda asked, smiling softly.

@mxnark

[rkxluda]

Little Breaks

@rkchungha

As the days passed on, Luda kept feeling as though she was surrounded by faces she kinda knew–recognised–but didn't really know. And it seemed as though she knew most of those through the season of the mgas she was on. Maybe it meant that she hadn't fallen as far behind as she'd feared, after all? A comforting thought, though she didn't really feel as though she managed to stay on a similar level to them

Either way, being the person she was, she wanted to get to know everyone in her group at least a little better, as long as they were willing to. Luda was very much aware that this was a competition, but getting along well, she thought, wasn't unimportant to a good performance. And she was just that social.

"Hey! Would you like to go outside and get some fresh air for a bit? Maybe grab a coffee or so?" She approached one of the girls, Chungha, as they were taking a break. She couldn't be sure whether the other wasn't going to still practise by herself, but it was worth to try. It was also a bit easier to approach her, since they'd been in the same company for a little while at least, even if she'd never done more than greet her. Unlike with the others, that she felt like she kind of, sort of knew but not really, where worried to have forgotten past interactions with.

[rkxluda]

Lee Luda 🎔 Heartz Debut Journey — Settling In + Monthly Preparations ⥽ Part 1, Part 3 ⥼

While Luda very much wished not to be alone in her first days of debut preparation and at the dorm, she was super excited for Minhee to film her music video and do photo shoots. If she wasn't so excited for Minhee to go to Paris, she could've been a little jealous of her friend. Going to Europe was a dream she's had for a long, long time. Looking at her own song, she thought it would fit beautifully with a cute Café in Italy or Austria. While she was a dreamer and secretly hoped to travel to a faraway country as well, she didn't really have any expectations. Luda still felt guilty for her little angry outburst a few days ago, when she first moved into the dorm. The guilt for feeling ungrateful made her stomach twist and she was determined to do the best she possibly could with her debut.

The self-doubts were still present, just like the disappointment that the song didn't show her voice as much as she would've hoped for. Then that made the guilt pop up again, made her feel like a silly brat that couldn't appreciate what she had as she looked at another kid's shiny toy.

Either way, said excitement was a little boost of strength to counter her insecurities, which she dearly needed. With every day that she practised her song, with every day that she imagined a different comforting scene, she came to like it a little more, came to feeling like she made it her very own. It was her debut song after all, even if it wasn't what she'd originally hoped for.

Around you had a calming quality to it, that she wished to convey to anyone who would listen to it. What a weird thought it was that someone could be sitting in a train or bus, hearing her song, looking at the light rain on a summery afternoon and the rain drops softly hitting the windows. Not in a sad way, but peaceful. The thought that someone could be calmed by it made her stomach fluttery. While practising, she imagined the kind of content, that for a few moments would let one forget all their worries, maybe live in a fantasy, just for a little while.

The lyrics, of course, would convey a different picture, and she caught herself relating to them quite a lot. If she ever was to fall in love, she surely wouldn't be brave enough to admit it to anyone either, especially not to the person that caught her attention. Not that she would have time for any of that now anyway.

As much as she wanted a different type of song to be a perfect fit for her, something more popular, more exciting, this was painted in all her colours. She decided that she would be happy, no matter what she would get. The mv filmed in whatever usual filming studio, the plainest clothes, makeup, hair... whatever, she would take it. Convincing herself didn't really work, but she would give her best, try to earnestly feel happy, because everything else felt ungrateful and only made her more miserable.

Practising wasn't easy, the coaches were stricter than ever, everything had to be undoubtedly perfect. Learning two songs plus the lines from the group performance was a new level of difficult as well. Sure, the group performance didn't take up as much time, but she didn't want to be found lacking, didn't want to give off the image that now where she'd been chosen, she wouldn't put effort in anymore.

At the same time, practising with the group... it was difficult. Looking in the other girl's eyes was difficult. She wanted to be around them, but it brought the guilt back. No one knew who'd end up in the final line-up and they were so, so much better than her, it wasn't fair for her to be chosen so early. It might not be their favourite type of song for a debut, but they still would've been in the group after all. And they surely wouldn't be as ungrateful as her.

In the second half of the month, a postcard from Minhee arrived, almost making Luda cry again, but this time from joy. Her elder friend had found just the right words to give her the reassurance she needed, even though she had no clue how Luda felt. And she would be glad to have Minhee back with her soon. It was difficult to be unable to tell anyone why she was feeling the way she was feeling, so the post card from Minhee made her feel understood without having said a single word. It was truly amazing how long they've already known each other and she remembered perfectly, how Minhee had first heard her sing quietly in the library. Just like Minhee said, she really had come a long way and changed a lot in three years. Maybe... she could do this after all.

[rkxluda]

Lee Luda 🎔 Heartz Debut Journey  Recording “Around you” and “I’ll Be There”  

It took a while, but they managed to record both songs well. She was happy once they could take their leave. Yet, for one reason, she was just as nervous after the recording as she’d been before it. The fresh air outside was calming and since she wasn't alone, she could distract herself from her rollercoaster-riding stomach. Why was it feeling so off since earlier? Like little bees were buzzing inside. Maybe she finally realised that she would be debuting in just a month’s time.

Being told she was the next girl to debut was one thing, preparing for it was one thing, but being told it was only a month away from now, was a completely different feeling. And before she knew it, Luda found herself in the recording studio with Minhee. She was shaking a little, having difficulty keeping her hands still, but she tried to hide it as good as she could. Her stomach felt like it was on an endless roller coaster ride and she wondered if she could even hold a stable note with her nerves like this.

Luda practised her lines as she was waiting to start, wanting to make sure that she really had everything down to the last detail and she looked at any of the pointers the coaches had given her during the past weeks once more. Finally standing in the recording room gave the girl a different perspective. Of course she didn’t do perfect right away, but she jotted down notes whenever she was told to do something differently, giving her best to remember once the moment came, and did what she could, to sound the way they expected her to.

When she first heard the song, she had been a bit sad that it wasn’t just a little bit more challenging vocal wise, but since she’s started training with the coaches, and now during recording, she realised how much effort and skill a calm song like “Around You” still required.

She’d never thought this journey would be easy. If anything, she leaned strongly towards underestimating herself. And yet, was it wrong to have expected something a little different?

She was very happy with her song now, fell in love with the calming feeling it gave her while singing, while imagining scenes that could go with it, writing a little story in her mind. She truly felt like it was her song now, something she never expected to have until years after a group debut, if ever. But she still worried how others would think of it. Calm songs were often overlooked after all, no matter how much she enjoyed them herself.

And Luda still felt guilty for the expectations she previously had, even if those weren’t important to her anymore. She didn’t need to have the fanciest of all songs or anything like that and she knew she had ways to go, so much to learn. And even though all of that was true, unmet expectations were always followed by self-doubts, weren’t they? And self-doubts were followed by even harder work, at least in her case.

Only a few weeks back, Luda would’ve chosen “I’ll Be There” over the solo song, now her opinion had changed. As she was standing in front of the microphone, she thought back to the little story she’d made up for it, to try to get the emotions right. At 23 she barely knew anything about love, never having had feelings like that for anyone before, so whatever helped to convey the emotions, she’d take it. She started singing like always, or at least that was her intention.

You’ll come again today, without fail What happens if I see you? I’m carefully waiting But I’m not expecting anything I’m just blankly staring at you, then I leave From far away, I wish you would only look at me

A pretty little alleyway in an Italian city and she was wearing a cute dress that would probably be seen as outdated today. Her hair pinned up in a cute, curly hairstyle and her lips just a tad shy of a truly red red. She was on her way to a bookstore, the one with the comfy couches, the one that was regularly visited by a young man who’d caught her eye. Would she manage to say hello today?

Hey you, do you know my heart? These days, I’m like a child every day Hiding as I look at you You, are you hearing my words? I’m still not brave yet So I’m silently leaving again

She hid behind a bookshelf, shyly glancing at the young man here and there as she pretended to be interested in a random book she picked up. As he turned to her direction, she quickly put it back and ran outside, sighing, because once more, she'd been too shy to speak to him. She continued walking, looking at the pretty buildings around her and kept to the side, so she wouldn't run into anyone while lost in thought.

I close my eyes but I still think of you What do I do now? Everyone calls me a fool But I don’t expect anything

She arrived at a fountain and sat down on its edge, letting her fingertips sink into the water. Sighing, she closed her eyes, but even the cold water couldn't distract her thoughts. An image of the young man crossed her mind and–

"Try that again," the staff told her after she missed a note and Luda's cheeks burned pink. Why… did she have a friend's face in mind just now? She shook her head and pushed the thought far back, concentrating on the task at hand. But the tingly feeling in her stomach stayed.

It took a while, but they managed to record both songs well. She was happy once they could take their leave. Yet, for one reason, she was just as nervous after the recording as she’d been before it. The fresh air outside was calming and since she wasn't alone, she could distract herself from her rollercoaster-riding stomach. Why was it feeling so off since earlier? Like little bees were buzzing inside. Maybe she finally realised that she would be debuting in just a month’s time.

[rkxluda]

Lee Luda 🎔 Heartz Debut Journey — Light at the Tunnel’s End + Debut Preparations  ⥽ Part 1, Part 2 ⥼

You’ll come again today, without fail What happens if I see you? I’m carefully waiting, But I’m not expecting anything

Who would've thought? Luda started humming Around You at home (it was still very weird to call the dorm "home", but she tried) these days as she was doing chores, or when she was resting, not that that happened a lot though. She'd progressed well with I'll Be There from the beginning, both in singing and dancing, felt excited for it, especially as she wasn't alone at home anymore. And now she truly felt that she could do this.

Around you was a rocky road, highlighting the insecurities she had, highlighting her weaknesses. There was no fancy vocal run or cute dance to distract from her, and she didn't know how to deal with something like that. Aside, from the usual unsureness of whether she was good enough.

Hey you, do you know my heart? These days, I’m like a child every day Hiding as I look at you

The progress of the last two weeks of the month was much better than the first. If she continued like this, maybe in a week or so, Around You would feel somewhat like a glove, fitting perfectly and almost as natural as breathing. Luda wasn't confident yet, but at some point she'd gotten too tired of constantly worrying and just concentrated on doing her best. She also managed to actually feel rested after sleeping and taking breaks, which was another weight lifting off of her shoulders.

I'll Be There was still easier for her, but Around You felt like it perfectly represented her, including all the worrying, over-thinking and imperfections. But also showing her soft side, calmness and tendency to day-dream.

You, are you hearing my words? I’m still not brave yet So I’m silently leaving again

With the duet, she danced softly, sang with a smile in her heart, but through the solo she could let her emotions roll out, almost like a way to cope with the stress of the past weeks. She wasn't quite there yet, still had to figure out how to bring some of the coaches' advice into practise, but her different mindset was noticeable. Additionally, preparing with Minhee was fun. It was still easier than being with the group, but she wasn't alone either, nicely in-between.

The more everything settled in, the more she began to daydream, when she had the time to. The song gave her a few specific images that she thought would fit perfectly and in her mind she went through clothes, hairstyles and anything else she could think of. Did Luda actually come to love her song as much as she would've hoped to fall in love with a debut song, would she ever get the chance to debut? Maybe she wasn't quite there yet, but she was excited for the next months, was excited for everyone to find out and for their reactions. Maybe her situation wasn't perfect, but she barely had anything to complain, really.

And who knew, what the future would hold?

[rkxluda]

Precious Bunny

@rkxtaeyeon

“I knew you'd make it! Congratulations!” The girl smiled brightly at her friend. And she was completely honest, she'd expected this outcome, would've been surprised by a different choice for first debut. Once she had Taeyeon's attention, she moved her arms from behind her back, presenting a small box of chocolates that she'd made herself. Originally, she'd wanted to ask her mum, but after the delicious cake Taeyeon had baked for her birthday, she could hardly let her mother do all the work.

While she neither had her mum's talents nor skills, she'd made a whole batch to try and see whether she'd succeeded, and while surely they weren't quite on a professional level, Luda was proud to say that she'd managed to temper the chocolate properly. No white streaks on her chocolates! Plus, she'd found a sort of healthy recipe (or rather, less unhealthy) as she didn't want to stand in the way of an easy debut for her friend.

It wasn't much, but then she'd done them last night after training was done, so she hadn't been able to do more, neither a variety of fillings like she'd originally planned to do. “And these are for you!” the girl smiled, holding out the little box to her friend.

[rkxluda]

@rksuas

It was almost funny to her how many fellow mga contestants she was surrounded with in this project. And yet she hadn't really met most of them. Still it was nice to know at least a few of the faces in her group, even if that was all she knew of them. And naturally, she wanted to make friends, even though they were technically competing with each other. Luda, however, has never been the most competitive person. Plus they'd have to pull off a great performance, which she always found easier when knowing her group mates at least a little bit more.

“You probably know this already, but you're a great dancer,” she approaches one of the girls during a training break—Bora if she remembers correctly—with a smile and offering her a bottle of water. It was admittedly a bit of an awkward conversation starter, but equipped with her usual sweet smile, she'd simply went for it, before she could chicken out.

[rkxluda]

Lee Luda 🎔 Heartz Debut Journey The Carol, London and My Sunday Shenanigans

After May and June, July passed by surprisingly fast. While Luda still had things to do and places to be, having everything solo debut related out in the world greatly helped her relax. She really enjoyed her solo debut journey, but was also glad to concentrate on the next girls instead, being excited for their reveals and debuts and putting her everything into the releases she participated in.

When they were informed on everything they needed to know for the next debut, even just the thought of going to London made her heart beat faster. The song was nice too, though she was still a bit surprised about the Christmas in August concept. It was interesting that they filmed both the pool and the more Christmas-y feeling scenes for the same mv and she was curious to watch the finished video, wondering how it'd turn out. It was difficult to imagine both working together, but Luda was sure that Sphere had a plan.

Aside from that, she was learning My Sunday as well. Practising was fun, especially at the dorm, with Minhee, wearing their pajamas, and singing into hairbrushes. As an only child, this was something that only ever happened at sleepovers and being a kid busy with school, there hadn't really been time for any sleepover since her early teenage years. In short, it was great. They may not have hit all notes jumping around, but still, they worked on the song even at home.

It was interesting to Luda as well, that Sphere put both My Melody and My Sunday on the album, even though they were quite similar. Not that she found that a reason to complain though, not at all.

Then, at the end of the month, she was happy that they were allowed to go to Samsung's pool party. It felt as though she hadn't met some of her friends for most of the year and the more she thought about it, that was probably true. All the more reason to be happy to go, even if she'd been a bit unsure if she really should go at first. But hadn’t she gone, Luda would’ve missed out on both, meeting her friends and wearing a really cute dress that wasn’t new, but that she hadn’t gotten to wear yet. Going had made her heart beat faster as well, the reason for that not only being that she got to meet her friends, but also the one or other unexpected surprise.

On the evening of the 31st, Luda was lying in bed with the lights already turned off, and hiding under the blanket with her phone's brightness turned as low as possible. She was watching cute animal videos, sound only audible over her headphones and unable to sleep, even though her eyes felt like lead. Sharing a room like this was still a bit weird, being unable to have time really only for herself uncomfortable sometimes. It was something she'd get used to eventually, she hoped. Still, for the most time, she was glad to not be alone. Really, everything still felt unreal.

And as Luda was slowly drifting to sleep without realising it, she thought about the months to come and hoped that they wouldn't bring too many shocking surprises.

[rkxluda]

                                                     Lee Luda | KT Ent                                                        rksdcasting20

1. Windy Day (2:04 - 2:18 + 2:40 - 2:56) 2. Dracula (1:32 - 2:20) 3. Love Whisper (0:50 - 1:20)

To her own surprise, she felt calm. Was it the concept, maybe? Pure (and innocent) was something that came naturally, that she felt comfortable with. Many thought it was easy. Compared to girl crush and the like? Anyone could do that! But in her opinion, it was difficult for its own reasons.

All day, my heart used to feel restless But it was all for this Emotions that were pressed into a corner of my heart Have awakened from a deep sleep

The clear vocals of the song suited Luda well, or so she was told by a friend. The singing alone wasn’t as much of a problem, but as she wanted to present both skills right at the beginning, she had to choose a song with a good (meaning difficult) choreo (after all, who knew how far whoever was judging these would watch? She had to show them what she got right from the first second!). So the manageable vocal parts instantly became a lot more difficult. And, because that wasn’t yet enough, she wanted her choice to portray the pure concept as well.

Maybe the dances weren’t as hard, but a lot of idols—she found, while researching songs—overacted. Tried to be too coy, too deer-eyed, resulting in them giving an unbelievable image. Others obviously looked uncomfortable with something so cute. Maybe it was still easier than other genres, but people didn’t give it enough credit.

Makes me shake and shake… Windy day windy day Windy day windy day Windy day windy day

The first part of the dance had been a bit easier, but after the little skip, her problem part followed. Whether the moves by themselves were all that difficult, was a different matter. But all the jumping, throwing her arms around and singing at the same time, made her happy that she’d decided to record everything on different days and ask a friend to help her putting everything together. The 30 seconds were over soon, and her old, white, frilly dress changed to a more elegant one that she borrowed from a friend.

And while she had problems with concepts like girl crush (though depending on the song) and especially with anything remotely sexy, this was very much her. Was it enough to debut? She couldn’t tell, honestly she wasn’t sure whether she was ready.

Much better now to let these dreams take flight! Please don’t make me love you Please don’t make me need you Simplify my life just by setting me free!

Originally, Luda hadn’t been sure whether to include this song or not. It wasn’t very pure, but it was indeed challenging, vocal-wise. Many high notes and all, so she decided to go for it. To show her singing skills.

5 years of training, even 10 weren’t unheard of. She was becoming worried, for whether she had a chance at all. Her contract would be over soon and aside from the worry of debuting, she couldn’t help but feel nervous at the thought of not being re-signed.

Promise me you’ll do this Only you can do this Please don’t make me love you Unless you love me

She’s never been in love, nor did she care much for it, her dream didn’t include that possibility until she’d be older. Except she did care deep down, with 22, almost 23, she’d never really been in love, never felt more than a crush and never been in a relationship. But pain she’d felt and that’s what she concentrated on, singing the song, putting her everything into it, until the last notes faded in almost a whisper.

Some of those she was on the mgas with already debuted and she was sure some more would soon follow. There was no guarantee for anything, which she’d known from the beginning, but living it was a bit different, still.

Hey, yeah! I can hear it from anywhere If I open my ears When I open my ears To the trust you have in me Like your eyes that twinkle I’ll tell you a precious story

This time her dress changed into a cute white and blue outfit, part of which she’d recently bought for spring. If this didn’t scream pure, she didn’t know what would. This song, she’d luckily practised for an eval before, so she knew what she was in for. Like Windy Day it wasn’t exactly the easiest, but she still remembered much. At first she’d only wanted to show the dancing, then added the vocals of the 2nd half, but felt it looked awkward to only do half, so she ended up singing everything.

And yet, if Minhee hadn’t convinced her, she wouldn’t be here now, so maybe… she was the one holding herself back without realising it? Worried that if she got the chance, she’d mess up? It would be very much like her, she couldn’t deny.

Open your ears Our unforgettable voices and stories Are filled with my heart for you That fluttered like a dream

On another note though, performing was still as wonderful as her first live stage on the mgas. The feeling of everything coming together as she practised more and more, all her efforts finally paying off as she flew over the stage, singing her heart out.

Exhausted from the constant practising, planning and general figuring out what would be best to do, she was happy once she was able to end the last song with a smile, though breathing more heavily than she’d hoped to show on camera. But it was done and after all the editing, it came out better than she’d hoped for. There was also something else she noticed while watching the finished video—Luda wore an old dress, then a borrowed one and finally some new items, paired with a blue blouse. It’s almost as though she was prepared for marriage. And who knew? Maybe she’d “marry” into a new company and finally a group to debut with.