#111222

[dailytomlinson]

Congratulations, FITF, on surpassing 100 million streams on Spotify!

[noweverybodysdead]

Stills shot on the set of The 1975’s ‘Oh Caroline’ —📷Jordan Hughes on ig

[hlupdate]

harrystyles: Love On Tour. Curitiba. December, 2022.

[intoxicated-daze]

filtered selfies in the car 🤷🏻‍♀️🥰🌺

[clgzb]

CL at UNIK ASIA FESTIVAL 2022, cr.kmjjackson

[dualipahls]

dualipa: :* a kiss goodbye nyc ~ it’s London hometimeeeeeee

11/12/2022

[skybluelatte]

Happy Birthday Byungchan!!!💛🐥💛

[trendsetters-posts]

[dailytomlinson]

Louis recently signed an electric guitar for El Corte Inglés in Madrid - posted 11/12

[taeminrecuerdos]

22.12.2011

SHINee en la revista japonesa 'EASY'.

[hlupdate]

Harry via instagram story - 11/12/22

[sugaschair]

as vezes me pego insegura em relação à ele mas aí do nada eu me toco que sou INSUBSTITUÍVEL e que nossa conexão é INCOMPARÁVEL. tipo eu tenho CTZ que ele não vai conseguir algo melhor depois de mim.

[femfalleen]

just yesterday....for the first time, i was publicly trans. it wasnt in a safe, comfortable room; it wasn't in my bed, through my messenger to people i trust, or here where mostly i am just a bunch of words floating out in the digital nothing for no one and anyone to see, ignorant of the person typing them.

i went to a board game night hosted by other trans people who live local and i was there. i was completely masc looking and sounding but i went out and i had to taste what it was like to not be in a space that was mine or known to me...to be around people who showed support but to know there was a chance for something unlike that.

that had to be one of the most nerve-wracking experiences of my life thus far (worse than rolling my car and nearly dying, ngl. at least i had an idea of what to expect when my car started sliding on that icy interstate).

i showed up and walked into a room filled with people who were chatting and getting ready to start the game night and my heart started nearly pounding through my chest. "what if i just look like 'some guy' to them? what if i just seem like someone who's 'just wanting the status'? or if they dont treat me as someone who wants to transition just because im essentially at phase -1 of my transition?"

i was so scared by that i set the board game i brought along down and rushed to the restroom (to collect my nerves as well as needing a moment of relief).

until i accepted myself as trans, looking and feeling like "a man" never once made me think about how i might be perceived. sure, every now and then id be concerned that maybe my clothes might need to be washed, but i wasnt ever conscious of how masculine i appeared and how much people accepted and "felt" that coming from me. and in one fell swoop, suddenly i was in over my head with how much i didnt want that feeling exuding from me, how much i didnt want to be perceived as a man in this space, and how much i desperately wanted to not be seen as i looked but as i myself felt. the people who know me irl know that when i get nervous, i can easily be moved to having to evacuate my stomach bc of it and as i returned from the restroom, i was almost certain id end up back there shortly due to the immense pressure of that space, for me. and while i normally have her support, my partner was busy with an event she couldnt possibly be absent/absent minded for .... i was facing this entirely on my own, with none of my supports available for me.

i returned and took a name tag at someone's suggestion: a good point since most everyone there was unfamiliar with one another. i scribbled my current name on it. i couldnt bear being "Efie" yet. i ... i didnt have a reason why. i just couldnt see myself proudly displaying that name for those people when i was advised a nametag could be useful. after this emotional pitfall, i at least found some comfort in trying to help get games going for all the currently attending members and managed to find myself at a table playing something new with people i had literally just met for the first time....and it was nice. social anxiety was down but internal anxiety was reaching new levels...considering i often FAIL MISERABLY at making new friends, being able to sit and talk with them without so much as batting an eye even though i felt like my chest was going to explode was a small success on such a big night for me. as we all got familiar with the game, my miniscule chatterings about which rules i was or wasnt breaking gradually became a banter that i almost pride myself in being witty enough to hold and it was quite nice feeling more and more comfortable, at least at this relatively shallow level, with them.

near the very end of the game i excused myself for a small moment and i took a leap i wouldnt have imagined at the onset of this evening: i awkwardly walked back to the markers, asked who was sitting there to pass me one please, scribbled out my current name and wrote "Efie" in much poorer writing next to it. i was so ashamed i couldnt do that originally...but i also knew id never been verbally addressed by anything else yet and kind of assumed i just wouldnt respond if i was called that...but how else would i gain that experience?

to suddenly make myself that much more vulnerable only to receive nothing but the same, awkward friendship i had had moments before i put that nearly symbolic nametag back on was nothing short of pure catharsis... not only being open enough to just be trans at a public library, but also being able to say, with a bright lavender badge on my chest, that "hey i was absolutely infinitely more anxious than ive ever been and i wasnt even confident enough to write my own name here" and finding only the same open arm-ed acceptance nearly made me tear up between that game and the next.

between the first game and the next i played, i followed the suit of those who had played with me, including who i assume was someone who helped organize the event as she had a method of monitoring all the small groups to make sure everyone was enjoying theirselves, i followed her lead and wafted between ongoing groups just to see some new tabletop games id never seen: i even got to see catan being played for the first time ever, hah.

i sat near them on the floor, as there were no convenient chairs nearby, and read the rules before actually looking at the ongoing match so that id have an idea of what i was witnessing when a bit of a nail was sent right through my already aching tummy: "hey what's that on your nametag?" i was propositioned from a person focused on the match. i assume they asked me purely because i was quietly observing out of respect for a game i think/thought(?) to be complex and didnt want to interrupt any of their thoughts.

i told them i had scribbled "it out and wrote my name" on it. "oh cool! what's that say? Eef-ee? how do you say that?" they smiled at me.

the first time in words id ever heard what is my current chosen name. it stuck me like a cramping muscle suddenly shooting itself right up the thigh, announcing its presence triumphantly by bringing your whole body to awareness. it wasnt a good feeling but it wasnt inherently bad. i felt like such a child, almost, being asked by a parent what they had brought. i dont know why but that was the feeling i had. maybe because i not only made a point of it by not getting a new sticker, but also feeling like a fish out of water in every way sitting near these four girls. i felt like an outside for a second and wasnt sure how to respond or what to feel.

to say i nearly sank under the table, even at this innocent observation of my own choices, was practically an understatement.

"um..yeah, kind of like Eevee haha.." i managed to squeek out at them.

"wow that's a cool name!" they had passed their eyes briefly from my name tag to my face and then back to catan, which i dont blame them for. i did my best to not look to many people in the eyes as i know i can stare pretty hard so i figure they couldve felt the same or something but i wasnt really concerned. their tone was comforting and their demeanor as welcoming as i couldve read from someone i barely knew.

the rest of that event ended in pretty quiet circumstances for the purpose of this blog, but it was fun playing codenames again after having enjoyed it 3-5 years prior. i still am sorting through what it meant to feel that way and was confused enough to post about it to the groups discord saying basically "wow that was very hard for me i am sorry also i am awkward" and was only met with kindness and empathy, as most agreed that the first time you allow yourself to be seen by anyone you dont know or arent comfortable 100% with is an impossibly stressing situation and that youll find comfort and confidence in continued experiences like that and it will go from being unimaginable to being the peak of comfort ... and i truly hope so. i really did enjoy the night, after retro-and-intro-spection on it.

[melisatutuncu]

[blickaufsblut]

6/11/2017

i hope you fucking rest in peace..

[kinhship]

Day 2 of annual New York Trip

Famous Xiao Long Bao Restaurant

Xing Fu Tang

Skyview Mall

Meat Me Korean bbq where I got a really unexpected surprise 🫣