#4 chapters in and DAMN

[heshemejoshi]

sketch. trying to figure out how to draw him in a way i like

[ruskaroma]

ordinary, corrupt human love. | chapter 2: you get me closer to god.

Summary: John is a manipulator, and she, is the new subject of his obsession.

Warnings: this chapter contains stalking, mentions of large age gap, graphic descriptions of violence, and manipulation.

read the warnings. john is not only a menace, he is evilllll.

Author’s note: and we are back, baby. today, in this chapter, you are going to be witnessing a LOT of fucked up shit from none other than john wick himself. my man’s been doing a lot, god bless his poor soul.

also may i remind you all that the reader here is naive! she is stupid! she is not the brightest! she’s just desperate for attention and affection, so her decisions are always stupid and all of that. (please do not hate her, she is trying her best.)

this took me a while to write because it’s long asf and also because you know me, i always struggle with the english language, but i hope i won’t disappoint you with this chapter!

thank you so much for waiting and continuing to support this fic! really, it gives me a lot of motivation to keep writing, and i really appreciate all your sweet comments and reblogs on my last post.

i hope you also enjoy this new chapter since we’re going to have another peak of what goes on in john’s dark, dark mind. (I PROMISE THE SEX SCENE WOULD BE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.)

and again, this is not edited so all mistakes are on me! i really do apologize, english is not my first language.

Word count: 10.6k

also read on AO3

In this business, you’d see different kinds of reactions when a man walks into a room.

They all see themselves above everybody else. They think they’re better, deadlier, smarter. That’s the kind of mindset you need if you want to survive. How will you get out of being held at gunpoint when you’re a weakling?

When a man walks into a room, they’ll take a moment to stare.

On the outside, you’d think these people have a lot of respect for one another since they all work in the same circle anyway. But in real life, you’d see the blatant lack of respect these people truly have for each other, because they’ll stare and judge.

When John walks into a room, it’s a different story.

Fear.

John is not like any other man in business they think they could just judge and get away with it, no. John is well respected and feared. He could see it in their eyes when he pass by. The extreme discomfort and alarm to be in the same presence as him. Even if they try so hard to hide it, John sees right through them.

They view him as… something but human. He’s a killing machine. An attack dog. A monster, some would even say. 

Back in the days, John wasn’t exactly fond of the names they’ve been giving him. When he was still new in the game, he didn’t like how he struck fear over these people because he wasn’t quite sure how to handle the power he truly has over them.

But now, something has shifted.

John is a free man. Not the kind of free when he was with Helen, but free nonetheless. Free because instead of getting alarmed with the fact that he’s feared all over this underworld, he’s taking advantage of it. Much to the higher ups dismay. They have been having a very hard time keeping up with his recent activities.

Growing up, it seemed like John got the worst sadistic discipline in Ruska Roma.

All of them did, don’t get him wrong. All of them suffered – blood, sweat and tears. They were all forced to go through extreme discipline, because it’s the crack of the whip that gets the rats going.

But John… John got the worst of it.

He used to take the fall for his fellow students. Fingers couldn’t count just how many times he was belted on the back for someone else’s mistake. The amount of times he was starved, denied of any kind of food or water, and that’s how it’s always been.

John has always been denied for the things he wanted. The things he needed.

Now, he is not greedy. He’s not just going to take everything in his way like a kid that got away from its parents’ grip, because he doesn’t want a lot of things. John already has a house, a dog companion, enough money to last forever.

John already has everything except her.

His most happy moments couldn’t compete with the hot curl within his guts that he feels every time his mind flashes back to that night. That night when she gave in, when she gave herself away to him – willingly. 

John didn’t need to give her a little push to finally get her. She practically offered herself to him, bared her neck and John’s itching to take a bite. To finally make her his once and for all, but really, he doesn’t need to do that to know that she’s his. 

Like he said, he’s not going to force himself into her life. He’s going to be welcomed. By the looks of it, it seems like it wouldn’t be such a hard thing to do after all. Not when she’s already giving up information about herself to John through texts – she’s practically making it easy for him to get her.

So naive. Doesn’t got a fucking clue in the world.

Mine. Mine. Mine. Fucking mine –

John looks at his phone, reading the messages both of them sent each other the night before, and there it is again. The itch in his hands, the need to possess.

13.06.15 11:46 PM

Bambi: hello! this is Y/N from the club the other night

13.06.15 11:46 PM

Bambi: also that Y/N who returned your super expensive looking coin hehe ;) i hope you didn’t forget about me!

John changed her name on his phone. He changed it to something more… intimate. More sweet. 

13.06.15 11:48 PM

John : I could never.

13.06.15 11:48 PM

John : You’re hard to forget.

He remembers – no, saw – how she responded. With a smile on her face, hopeful.

13.06.15 11:49 PM

Bambi : using my words against me, i see :D 

13.06.15 11:49 PM

Bambi : good to know you’re still as slick as the last time we chatted haha

13.06.15 11:49 PM

John : Hard not to. I wanted to impress you.

13.06.15 11:50 PM

Bambi : you already did.

13.06.15 11:50 PM

Bambi : with all your brooding and intimidating look. just my type ;D 

John smiles to himself as he reads the message. He remembers the look on her face when she’s typing, and hasn't got a clue that the man she’s flirting with was observing her just from across her building. John wouldn’t call it invading her privacy, he calls it keeping her safe.

13.06.15 11:50 PM

Bambi : anywho i asked for your number for a reason. i really do want to talk to you again. not just in chat, i mean, but also in real life :) 

13.06.15 11:50 PM

Bambi : maybe we could get to know each other more? what do you say??? meet up again, but this time planned unlike our other previous meetups?? haha

He is not a teenager to be feeling this giddy over reading messages, but she truly brings out something shameful in him.

13.06.15 11:51 PM

John : I should be the one asking you that.

13.06.15 11:51 PM

Bambi : you were taking too looonggg :( 

13.06.15 11:51 PM

Bambi : so what do ya think?

13.06.15 11:52 PM

John : Of course I’ll go. I told you I’d make time for you, didn’t I?

13.06.15 11:52 PM

John : I’m a man of my word.

13.06.15 11:52 PM

Bambi : ok that’s great! i was so worried you wouldn’t say yes.

John had averted his eyes from the phone that night and onto the little lady across the building. She was rolling around on her bed, still dressed in her pink, fluffy robe and her hair was still wet. She looks like a puppy that John wanted to pet; stroke her hair and tell her she’s his good girl.

13.06.15 11:52 PM

John : When do you want to meet? 

13.06.15 11:53 PM

Bambi : aahhhhh let’s see

13.06.15 11:53 PM

Bambi : i have classes tomorrow morning BUTTT we can def meet up during lunch! i get out of school at like 12 and go to work at 3 :D

I know, John wanted to say. I’ve memorized your everyday schedule in the span of two days.

13.06.15 11:53 PM

John : How about I pick you up from your school, we grab lunch, and I drop you off to work?

13.06.15 11:53 PM

John : Or is it too soon? 

13.06.15 11:53 PM

Bambi : oh my god no way REALLY?

13.06.15 11:53 PM

Bambi : nooo it’s not too soon don’t worry! you def could so we have more time to talk and everything! i just hope i won’t be bothering you or anything.

13.06.15 11:53 PM

Bambi : do you have work tomorrow? you look like a 9 to 5 kinda guy :P 

God, she’s fucking adorable. 

13.06.15 11:54 PM

John : I don’t, so you don’t have to worry. I’d love to talk to you more as well.

13.06.15 11:54 PM

Bambi : ok! i cannot wait for tomorrow. i should probably sleep now tho so i wouldn’t look shitty when you see me :D 

13.06.15 11:54 PM

Bambi : here is the address of my school. [Address]

13.06.15 11:54 PM

Bambi : can’t wait to see you tomorrow, john! goodnight, see you soon! x

13.06.15 11:55 PM

John : Goodnight, sweet girl. Have a good sleep.

John hadn’t meant to type that. He felt his heart drop to his stomach, terrified that he somehow scared her away with the sudden affection. But then he saw her read his message, dropped her phone on the bed, and then rolled over again like a lap dog.

She’s too easy to tame, so gullible. John almost couldn’t believe how fast she folded, how desperate she really is. But then again, he could say the same about himself. Lonely and desperate, they were meant to be together. He likes to believe God had put them in this position because of fate, because he has a plan for every single one of us.

John’s never been the one to believe in Him, but he finds himself grasping to that very little delusion that keeps him from going insane.

*

11:55 AM, the students are already making their way out of their designated buildings. 

John is keeping his guard on high alert, eyes scanning the crowd to find her. He’s parked just across the school gate, leaning against his car as he checks the time on his wrist. He’s also holding his phone in the other, waiting for it to vibrate in case she drops a message.

He’s never felt this giddy before. Hands clammy and eyes searching frantically, excited because he’s finally getting to spend alone time with her, but also worried in fear of losing her in the crowd. John doesn’t like it when he doesn’t have the upper hand. When he doesn’t have control of the situation. When she’s not in his line of vision and could be doing god knows what without his supervision.

He checks his phone again. 11:58, where is she?

John knows at this time, she should be out and about already, waiting for a cab to her apartment. His fingers itch, hovering over the screen of his phone. He begins contemplating if he should send a message, but that would make him look demanding and clingy. He doesn’t want to leave that kind of impression on her, or otherwise he’d have no choice but to abduct her and keep her locked away if she thinks about running –

He blinks, sucking in deep breath. 

“Shit,” he whispers, looking up to the school gate again. This isn’t good. What the fuck was he even thinking? 

John tries not to think about it. Tries to convince himself that he is not as fucked up as his mind is making him out to be. He wouldn’t stoop that low, he’s not that cruel –

Are you not?

A certain someone appears in the crowd, standing outside the school gate, already spotting John and waving at him from across the road. Her face is bright, smiling wide. John never wanted to possess something so bad.

He waves back, all his dark thoughts suddenly gone, and everything is rainbows and sunshine. John watches as she crosses the road carefully, looking left and right, seeming small with the people around her. She looks like a lost puppy.

John wants to pet.

“John, hey!” she beams, running up to him to give him a hug which catches John off guard. She’s on her tiptoes just to wrap her arms around his broad shoulders, and John doesn’t want to make her upset for not immediately reacting with her affection, and so he puts his arm around her waist and bends down to place his chin on her shoulder. 

He fights the urge to bury his nose in her neck, then maybe sucks a few hickeys, leaving a bite mark to show that the big, bad wolf has already marked his mate.

She’s so fucking easy to get, John thinks.

When she pulls away from the hug, John tries not to look disappointed. Her cologne lingers in his nose. “Sorry. Force of habit.”

“You don’t ever need to say sorry for that,” John says, faux stern as he places a hand on her waist subtly. She looks like she doesn’t mind, that’s a good thing.

“Okay then,” she smiles politely. “Oh, and I’m sorry if I look like a mess. Just say the words and I would totally change to more appropriate clothes before we go somewhere.”

“You look beautiful,” John says smoothly, standing up straight. Even though she looks underdressed next to John who’s wearing a three-piece suit, she is still heart-wrenchingly beautiful. In fact, John likes the contrast.

“T-thanks.”

“Should we go?”

“Sure! I’m excited,” she giggles, the sound practically dancing in his ear. “I’m hungry. Where will we eat?”

“Hm, what do you like?” he asks.

“Dunno. Burger and milkshake.”

“Sounds unhealthy.”

“The only thing I can afford, unfortunately,” she jokes, though John doesn’t answer, only opening the car door for her. “We should eat in a diner. I know a good one! Also cheap, so you won’t have to worry about the price.”

“I never worry about the price, darling,” John murmurs, but still loud enough for her to hear as she gets inside the vehicle. He swiftly walks to the driver’s seat and starts the car, glancing at his little bambi who’s observing the interior intensely. “You like it?”

“It’s so cool. I’ve never been in a car like this.”

“You’re going to have a lot of firsts when you’re with me.”

As John starts driving, the girl beside him babbles. Not that he minds, of course. He listens and nods, so obsessed with her voice that he could listen to it forever. It’s amazing how John could easily hide the fact that he was just stalking her from across her apartment the night before in the back of his mind, like it never even happened. It’s amazing how he could act like he wasn’t just thinking about kidnapping her and locking her away from the public forever.

But then again, everything about his little bambi would make anyone risk it all for her.  It’s not just John. Anyone would do the same if they were in his shoes.

“How was school?” John asks, averting his eyes from the road for a moment to look at her.

“Eh, it was alright. Classes always drain me, no wonder I’m so hungry now,” she answers politely. One of the few things John noticed about her. How she doesn’t run out of things to say, how she can get the conversation going. “How about you? You going to work after our lunch? You’re dressed up for it.”

“I took the day off today,” he replies vaguely.

“What? Why?”

“I have a date with you.”

She seems to be shocked by John’s choice of words, but she’s more concerned with the fact that John took the day off for her. “Y-yeah, but you didn’t have to do that. We could just go on a date next time.”

“The sooner, the better,” he explains, feeling another surge of something hot into his veins. She agreed that this is a date. Just how fucking gullible can she get? “Work is no problem for me. I want to get to know you more.”

“O-okay. I wanna get to know you more too.”

When John catches a glimpse of her bright smile beaming at him, his hands tighten around the wheel and he steps on the gas harder.

*

John doesn’t like how his mind isn’t making him remember about Helen.

He should be remembering her. He should feel some kind of guilt for being in a restaurant with another woman, but he doesn’t. Every single day since she died, his mind would always make him think about her. But now, it’s like John completely forgot about her existence at all.

The wedding ring on his finger is long gone. Ever since his unhealthy obsession began, he thought that wearing that while doing something so sinful felt so wrong. Helen shouldn’t have to witness all the things he had done in the name of a girl he had only met once that time.

The diner isn’t packed with people. The sizzling of the burgers grilling on the pan and the chatters seem to drown out eventually when his little bambi starts talking.

John gives her a small smile, barely there, just to show her that he’s listening, all his attention is on her.

“Time seems to pass by so fast, huh? I remember when I bumped into you the first time, I really thought I wouldn’t see you again,” she starts the conversation with a bang, but thankfully John’s prepared for this type of talk.

“So you really wanted to see me then?” he smirks slightly.

“Yeah! You’re really good looking and it’s not always I see a guy as handsome as you in my apartment complex and my school,” she says bluntly, though John could see the faint blush on her cheeks when she mentions the word ‘good looking.’ “So of course I had to take my chance when I met you again at that club! God, you were my knight in shining armor. I would’ve been crushed to death if it wasn’t for you.”

“That’s why you should always be careful on the road. You’re small, everyone could look past you if you weren’t careful enough.”

She pouts, placing her chin on her hand as she stares lovingly at John. “You’re exaggerating. I’m not small. You’re just saying that because you’re too big. And I’m always careful on the road – it was only that time that I lost balance and almost fell.”

“Then it better not happen again,” John says sharply, leaning back against the cushioned seat as he stares back at her challengingly. “But there’s no need to worry for the next time. I won’t let that happen again.”

“Next time?” she teases. “So you want to see me again next time, then?”

“Have I not made it clear with my actions and words?” John shoots back, raising another eyebrow. She likes it when he’s being stern like this. All authoritative. She might not know it yet, but her body language speaks for itself. “Do you want to see me again?”

The little bambi smiles brightly, and It hurts. It hurts John to see that smile because she’s just like the sun. But no matter how much she shines, John would do anything just to touch. Just to possess. Just to break.

“Of course! I wouldn’t have gotten your number if I didn’t, right?”

“Good.”

It’s not like she could do much anyways if she says no. Nothing will ever stop John from seeing her again, no matter how bad the procedure would be.

The food then arrives and is served on the table, and John thinks he has never felt anything like this before.

His hands have never felt this itchy before. That desperate, longing feeling to just possess the very thing that’s placed right in front of you. Everything about her is just so captivating, staring up at John like he’s the one who hung the moon, so full of adoration and hope.

Seems like John isn’t the only desperate one between the two of them. He could see it in her eyes. She’s practically begging him to take care of her.

And really, he can’t blame her.

An absent mother and an alcoholic father. No wonder she’s seeking attention from a man like John. A man old enough to be her father – if not older than her own father. John would be more than willing to fulfill the role her father failed to be when she was young. He’d do anything to protect her, morals be damned.

She looks too good to be true sitting right in front of him and he didn’t think watching someone devour a burger twice as big as her face would be so endearing. The way she licks her lips, the way her eyes sparkle every time John would pay attention to the little things she’d absentmindedly insert in her stories. No one must’ve given her this kind of attention before. No one but John.

“Oh, before I forget!” She places a hand on John’s arm that’s perched on the table. A mere innocent touch, yet he can’t help but feel a little giddy on the inside. “We’ve been talking for like, an hour now, and I still haven’t asked what your job is. I’ve been really curious ever since you told me you took a day off just for this. Are you like the boss or something?”

Ah. Of course.

A question like this is inevitable, thank god John came prepared. 

“No,” he simply says. “I’m a book binder. I collect and restore books as both a hobby and job.”

“Wow,” she nods her head, now interested as she leans forward and closer to him. She smells so sweet, John feels like he’s snorting sugar. “I didn’t think book binding could earn you so much money. Considering you’re dressed pretty… comfortably. And you have a nice car.”

“It pays enough,” John replies. Sooner or later she’d find out what he really does for a living, and no doubt she’d be scared. John already has a plan of action for when that would happen, but for now, he’ll try to keep it a secret as long as he can. “Pays enough to let me spoil you in the future. In fact, I think I might just start spoiling you now.”

“You say that to every woman you meet?” She quirks an eyebrow, teasing. 

“Just for you. You’re special.”

John sees the way she immediately turns shy and nervous from the statement. It must’ve felt overwhelming, having someone so much older and with more experience to hit on her like that. But John would say it brings a whole different feeling in him, like ego-lifting of some sort, knowing he just might be the only man that treated her right in her life.

Does killing one of her guy friends and storing him in his basement means treating her right? Does stalking her and watching her sleep from across the building is a way to treat her right? Different story to be told for another day.

“I believe you,” she says, smiling. 

Of course you do.

John diverts her attention from him. “You’re a veterinary student and also part time in a veterinary clinic. What made you want to pursue it?”

“Uh, let’s see. I don’t really have like, a very logical reason for it. I just really love animals and I want them to be part of my job as well,” she shrugs. “As for the part time thing, one of my older friends works there and got me in to gain some experience. I don’t really do much, I help with the paperworks and watch how they do stuff around there.”

I know.

“Your unconditional love for animals is logical enough.”

“I know right. Best job in the world, I might add. I get to pet all kinds of different animals everyday, and mind you I’m not even a real doctor yet,” she giggles, then tilts her head in curiosity. “Do you have a pet, John?”

“I do. I have a dog,” he answers, taking a sip of his own milkshake. It’s sweet, it’s something he’s not used to, but it reminds him of her. “Unfortunately, I haven’t named her yet.”

She frowns. “Why not?”

“I don’t know how to. I’m not good with names,” John shrugs. This conversation with her alone just might be the longest conversation he’s ever shared with someone ever since Helen died. And even with his late wife, he wasn’t as talkative as this. “Maybe you could name her. She’s a large pitbull but surprisingly very gentle for her size.”

“Oh my god, John, I have to meet her!” She beams. “Maybe on our next date, don’t you think? Let’s bring her with us to the park, have a little picnic there or something.”

Next date.

She wants to go on another date with him and she is making this a lot easier for John.

His lips stretch into a rare smile, fingers twitching subtly around the glass as he stares right into her eyes. There’s no hidden intention behind them, just pure adoration with a twinge of hope. Probably hopes that John wants the same thing as her, but he wouldn’t let her know that she is in for a lot more than she bargained for.

“I can’t wait for our next one.”

*

John could still remember the little things that made him feel human. 

Back in the Marines, when he first killed somebody, he felt a tremendous amount of guilt and self-hating that he couldn’t sleep for a week. He’d have nightmares of it; of holding his gun up to somebody’s head and blowing it up with just one single movement. The residue of the flesh splattered all over his face, some of them even went to his mouth. His hands shaked but he didn’t let his crew see it. In their eyes, that wasn’t the first time he had done it.

When he was recruited by Viggo and his little minions, the guilt of killing people was still there, but barely. He used to wish he didn’t feel any guilt or remorse at all every time he pulled a trigger, but looking back at it now, he wishes he could just take it all back. It was only guilt that he felt most of his life, but it made John human.

Now, he doesn’t feel very human as he stands in the middle of an abattoir holding a machete with pints of blood pooling at his shoes.

Back then, he used to kill. Point, shoot, leave. A very short routine he told himself to stick with unless he wanted to get in trouble. But now, he is not only just killing. John is fucking slaughtering people.

His eyes land on the dead body hanging from the meat hook. Naked, gutted alive just a few moments ago. His stomach is sliced open with his own intestines wrapped around his neck, and it fucking stinks.

The raw stench of human blood mixing with the already reeking smell of the slaughtered pigs hanging just besides the one John had slaughtered himself. 

Really, John should feel even just a little amount of remorse or disgust. His client didn’t particularly gave him a specific order on how to fucking kill the target, John did it himself. He didn’t know what the fuck was he thinking when he was doing the wet work, all he knows is that he’s getting worse each day that passes.

The killing part took some time considering the man certainly put up a fight. He was smuggling drugs inside the pigs he was slaughtering. It works on people too, though it’s too risky. Dying with balloons of cocaine up your throat or ass isn’t exactly the way you’d want to die, nor the kind of state you want your body to be in.

John really didn’t mean to go this far, but all the pent up anger and frustration led him to do something so ugly. He feels like a ticking bomb. Every second a little part of humanity just starts fading away, who knows what would happen if all of it were gone. 

This is his first kill since his date with his bambi. That was five days ago. John decided to take another job while he’s waiting for her next decision. He doesn’t want to look clingy and creepy by constantly texting her every chance he gets, so he lets her do it in her own phase. Though, waiting for her texts sure did take a lot of rampant rage on John’s side. Lots of broken furniture and a creepy amount of hours watching her sleep from across the building. 

Just because John is letting her do her own thing for the meantime, doesn’t mean he gets to take his eyes off of her. It’s for the best. 

Their last conversation was yesterday. It was a pretty long conversation, but not long enough for John’s satisfaction. She left it off by saying she’s going to be busy studying for her test and cleaning her apartment, which John didn’t have the time to check if she was telling the truth since he was busy himself.

John is dying to see her again but he knows he’s gonna have to wait it out in the Continental. Or maybe if he’s feeling a little bit insane, he’d ditch having to rest and spend his time sitting on a dusty chair in the same dusty room he’s been staying in for awhile; the building across from her apartment. But until then he’ll have to see where time will take him.

His phone ringing in his jacket is what snaps him from his thoughts. Bringing a bloodied hand to get it, he almost couldn’t press the screen by the slippery liquid covering his fingers. John presses the phone to his ear, waiting for the person to speak.

“Hey, boss. How’s Russia treating you so far? Hopefully not great ‘cause I’ve got some news that will cheer you up.” The deep voice of Alex echoes in the abattoir. It must’ve slipped John’s mind that he had sent Alex again to tail her again while he’s out overseas.

He furrows his brows, curious. “How is she?”

“Hm, let’s see here. Your little pet has been up and about all day with her little friends after they’ve finally noticed the disappearance of that little shit we took care of a while back – speaking of which, how is he by the way?”

“Rotting. Dissolving in my basement,” John replies, hands tightening around the handle of the machete. So this is what she’s been doing and the reason why she hasn’t messaged him all day. “I say the fucker got what he deserved. He’s a creep who preys on women to rape, I’m just thankful we got him out of the way before he got to her.”

“Yeah, well. She doesn’t know that and I doubt she’d even stop looking for her creepy friend unless they’ve found him. What do you want me to do?”

“Give it a day or two. Wait for me to get back and I’ll take it from there.”

“Anything else?” John hears loud chattering in the background, he furrows his brows.

“Yeah. Where are you right now?”

“Uhh, keeping her in my sight like you told me to?” Alex sounds particularly sassy. John doesn’t know if he should be pleased or not. “She’s at a restaurant. I think she’s having a meeting with her other friends or something – she looks upset.”

“Upset because of her missing friend, I assume.”

“Probably. Have you talked to her at all today, boss? Pretty sure I have not yet seen her pick up her phone all day.”

“No,” John simply says. “But she will. I’m sure of it.”

“I see you’ve finally gotten her dependent on you now.”

“Not enough, apparently, since she’s gone a full day without talking to me.”

“Well, you’re definitely getting there,” Alex says under his breath. “I’m going now, boss. They’re leaving to god knows where.”

John doesn’t say anything else, only ending the call and pocketing back his phone. He looks around the area, the coppery smell of blood is stronger than before. He is the reason why it stinks in here, the reason why there’s so much blood and brutality. The body that hangs right in front of him is lifelessly staring with dead, cold eyes. John resists the urge to shove a balloon of fucking cocaine into his stomach, the same thing he’s been doing with these pigs, brutalize him more if that’s even possible, but he knows it wouldn’t help his already worsening mentality.

The thought of someone seeing this body and thinking about how fucked up the person who did this doesn’t concern him as much as it should. 

Instead, John turns his heels and walks away from the scene. 

*

Unsurprisingly, getting her to depend on John isn’t the hardest task to do.

It just might be the easiest.

The moment John arrives at the Continental, he takes his time to message his bambi. It’s only reasonable, he wouldn’t come out as a clingy creep since it’s been a full day since his last message, he has every right to know what and how she’s doing despite already getting enough pictures and updates from Alex.

He asks her how she’s been, waits for approximately ten minutes before he finally gets a reply. In those ten minutes, John takes his time scrolling through the pictures Alex had sent him. Pictures of her bundled up in large, colorful sweaters and wearing a frown on her pretty face. She looks rough, but she makes looking rough look good.

Bambi : hi, john :(( sorry i didn’t text you all day. was busy with something 

John : That’s alright, I understand. I’m just glad you replied. Did something come up? Was it about school?

Bambi : kind of. my friend from school is missing and we don’t know where he is. we’re worried because he hasn’t answered any of our calls for a week and his apartment is practically empty.

Reading that almost makes him resist an urge to sickly smile to himself. His fingers hover the screen, careful of what his next words might be. 

John : I’m sorry to hear that. Have you gotten any updates from the police? What did they say?

Bambi : nothing yet unfortunately. no one saw him the night he went missing :( 

John : I’m sure you’ll find him soon enough. I hope nothing extremely bad happened to your friend.

He sounds… manipulating. There aren’t any more words that could describe what John is doing to her. He doesn’t even know if he can still make up excuses to tell himself that everything is completely fine and normal.

The girl that he likes is currently sharing about the horrifying tragedy her ‘friend’ is facing, the horrifying tragedy being John’s fault, and he’s fucking lying about it. And what truly terrifies him the most is not about the fact that he’s manipulating her, he’s terrified because it feels normal and just… fine.

Normal, normal, normal–

Can John really win her over by going this path? If not, would it really matter?

He will still have the upper hand if this doesn’t end well. But then again, there’s a very small chance that it wouldn’t – if not none at all. John just needs to play his cards well and there wouldn’t be a problem. 

Bambi : thank you john. really hope that too. it doesn’t feel the same without him

John’s jaw ticks.

What do you mean it doesn’t feel the same without that fucker? I killed him for you! He was a creep who only wanted to fuck you and take you away from me and–

A dangerous feeling suddenly surge into his veins that he wants to put back together all the pieces of that fucker just to destroy it in his hands once again.

Maybe mutilating him and dissolving him in pure acid just isn’t enough. Maybe he deserved more. Maybe John should’ve took his fucking time torturing that little shit instead of killing him instantly.

John : And how are you? I hope you’re not too worried about this matter that you start to forget about taking care of yourself.

Bambi : i’m doing fine, but a bit sad bc of it. i also miss you and i wish u’re here so i wouldn’t be too sad

And just like that, it’s like all his resentment and rage just one minute prior vanished in a snap of a finger. A small smile makes its way to his face and a surge of ego soars into his chest. She has no idea she’s got a dangerous assassin wrapped around her finger and the consequences it’d bring her.

Bambi : are u still overseas? when will you be back?

John : Tomorrow, hopefully.

John : And I miss you too, sweetheart. I promise I’ll be back as soon as I finish work.

Bambi : can’t wait to see you. do u want me to pick u up at the airport? :D

John : Thank you, baby, but that won’t be necessary. I don’t want to keep you busy when you already have too much in your hands.

Bambi : mkay. but call me or text me when u arrive, ok?

John : Of course.

*

John is not stupid.

If he ever noticed a man following his every step, he didn’t once care or say a word.

It’s one of Winston’s men, obviously, following him around throughout his business in Russia up to boarding the same plane as him back to New York. Considering John had managed to catch on pretty quickly at the fact that Winston sent someone to trail him, this poor guy is not doing a particularly good job.

At first, John thought about taking care of the guy himself and bringing Winston a souvenir of his dog’s fingers or even one of his eyeballs, but decided that he is not that cruel.

He could be, but knowing he holds all the power over several people under The Table makes John wants to play the game a little longer and just fucking shiver in excitement.

Obviously Winston had noticed that John is up to no good. Not that it’s any of his business, he’s more likely just scared for his own life. He’s probably thinking it was a bad idea to bring John back into the game now that he’s living up to the horrors of his reputation and giving people exactly what they wanted.

When John first returned to the field, it was only to avenge his late wife and nothing more. But now that a bigger monster has grown within him over the course of his stay, he’s now also looking for the fuel to his fire.

And boy did he find it.

The fuel being in the form of a young woman who’s unaware of how much power she has over John. It’s only a matter of time before all hell breaks loose. 

*

10:56 PM.

“Hello.”

“Hello? John?”

“It’s me, darling. How are you?”

“Doing fine. Studying for my exam and all. Why are you calling at this hour, though?”

“Just wanted to let you know that I just arrived back in New York and see how you’re doing.”

“Oh, John, it’s so late. I was thinking earlier that you would arrive tomorrow morning or afternoon, you didn’t tell me you boarded a flight.”

“I wanted to be back as soon as possible and wanted to surprise you, but my flight got delayed so I only just arrived now.”

A soft laugh rings in his ear.

“You’re so cheeky. We can just meet up tomorrow if you’d like, go on a picnic at a park or something. I really, really wanna meet your dog.”

John hears a sigh, then the sound of paper rustling in the background. He counts – one, two, three – here it comes.

“I miss you, John.”

He pushes the curtain aside with two fingers, peering his eyes in the small opening as he watches the figure at the other side of the building. She’s sitting on her study desk in front of a laptop, freshly showered and wearing specs that John can’t help his heart to ache.

It’s been so long.

“I miss you too, sweetheart. Couldn’t stop thinking about you when I was away.”

“That’s very sweet. I hope you brought souvenirs for me, though, or otherwise I will be very sad.”

“How can I forget? I bought everything that reminded me of you when I was there.”

“Now you’re just spoiling me.” Another laugh, then John sees her getting up from the chair and laying on the bed. “I’m happy that I’d get to see you again tomorrow, John. Everything that’s been happening is just so… I don’t know. Stressful, I guess. From my friend missing and school work, I don’t even know where to start. I just wanna be with you again.”

The mention of her friend Jay ticks him the wrong way, but he can’t also help but notice the longing and desperation laced in her voice as she said the last part. John knows it wouldn’t be too hard for her to be dependent on him, he just didn’t expect it to be this easy. They’ve only met once in real life, but their constant texting and calling through the phone makes it up for it. 

“Don’t let yourself worry too much on matters that don’t concern you.”

Silence, then John watches her bite her nail anxiously. “What do you mean by that, John?”

He doesn’t particularly like the way his name just rolls off her tongue like that – like she’s his age, the same way Helen used to call him. He doesn’t want to be reminded of Helen when he’s with his little bambi, it just makes him feel even shittier with the situation. It sorta reminds John how much he truly changed when he lost Helen.

“Don’t worry about your friend too much. I know it’s hard that he’s missing, but don’t put him first before your own well being,” John advises, manipulation just dripping off his tongue like it’s the easiest thing in the world. He doubts she would notice, though. “I’m sure the police got it covered by now. I’m more worried about you.”

John could still see her expression through the window despite being far away. She’s thinking about it, letting herself get swayed by his lies and persuasion. She’s too easy, she just doesn’t know it herself, but John does. And he’s going to take advantage of it as much as he can. 

He counts again – one, two, three – and she’s dropping her hand to the bed and sighing softly. There she is.

“Okay. You’re probably right, I worry too much.”

John doesn’t reply but gives a silent hum that indicates he’s agreeing. He sees her taking off her glasses and putting it on the bedside table, suddenly the itch in his hands is back.

There’s a voice nagging at the back of his head and asking him just what the fuck is he doing, that he should stop this madness before it gets out of hand, but would that really make a difference? Even if John did stop, he’d still continue to live with the fact that he was a monster who stalked a young woman out of sheer obsession. He’d already got her dependent on him, he’d already laid out the plan on how this would turn out, why is he suddenly questioning now?

He had done stuff that was worse than manipulating. He didn’t feel a single drop of empathy when he was slaughtering people and shooting them in the head, but why does he feel guilty manipulating her?

“John? Did you already fall asleep on me?”

Soft voice snaps him out of his thoughts, then it’s followed by a soft giggle. John feels butterflies exploding in his stomach. 

“Sorry. I was just–”

“It’s okay, John, you can sleep. You’ve probably had a long day since you’ve been on a flight and everything. I’m going to sleep now too, we have a date tomorrow, remember? Don’t forget.” The faux strictness in her voice makes him smile, then he sees her smiling just as big through the window; giddy and excited. “Goodnight, John. It’s really nice talking to you again. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, darling. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She hangs up first, smiling to herself before putting the phone back to her nightstand. She settles on the bed comfortably, tucking herself into her blanket, unaware of the fact that there’s a monster lurking on the other building, watching her every move like a hawk.

He catches a glimpse of himself in the old mirror on the dusty wall, dressed in black and predatory, reminiscent of the devil himself. 

Might as well live up to the name.

*

John is aware of how dead he looks in people’s eyes. He barely smiles, he’s always dressed in black, and he always has trouble showing emotions through his face. He makes sure that he gives off that aura that shows how much he dislikes everyone in the fucking room. How much he just wants to pull out his gun and shoot every single one of them in the head.

John despises the way they look at him. Like they pity him for losing his wife, for getting dragged back to the life he had already left. Though, he can’t really blame them, really. He used to pity himself too, even now for letting himself get even worse, but he wouldn’t really call it pity. He doesn’t know what it is, but it’s not pity.

The next day is interesting, to say the least.

He couldn’t get a minute of sleep the night before, the image of her sleeping so peacefully without a worry in the world bored into his mind. It’s extremely fascinating to him just how careless and… dumb she is. Dumb in a way that it’s benifiting John – the both of them, actually – and not in an offensive kind of way.

It was around two in the morning when he returned back to the hotel, managed to sleep for an hour or two before ripping off the blankets and had a drink the first thing in the morning. John didn’t bother taking a nap after that, just walking around the room making sure all is well and everything will be according to plan.

At 8 AM, she texted John a good morning and said it would be better for their date to be at 4 PM. John then replied that it was perfect, though he doubts he can wait that long.

12 PM, for a man as calm and collected as John, he sure as hell can’t fucking sit still in one place.

He’s paranoid. No amount of texts from his bambi is enough to keep him calm. The time is ticking too slowly for his liking and he has no other things to do in his free time. Except be paranoid.

John grabs his coat, kisses his dog goodbye and decides to stop by a grocery store to prepare for their date. He should at least make them both a sandwich and buy drinks, knowing that the little gesture would be enough to put a smile on her face.

1 PM, John comes back with shit ton of paper bags in his arms. He’s doing too much, he knows it, but too much is still better than not enough.

John goes to the kitchen to prepare. The orphanage taught him how to cook – well, not really. John taught himself how to cook, because if he’s not going to cook for himself and half of the kids back in Ruska, they’d all be dead with no survival instincts to save them from starvation. Being an assassin who could withstand any form of torture all while not knowing how to cook would be the greatest joke of the century. John’s not the one to be laughed out.

2 PM, everything is settled and in place, his little bambi texts him to let him know that she’s getting ready and cannot wait for their date. John then takes his time to get ready too.

3 PM, John is dressed in a nice white t-shirt with a brown leather jacket on top. He looks civilised, no one would know a damn thing that he’s one of the most feared men in the underworld who slaughters people for a living.

His dog is quiet in the corner, chewing on her bone toy until John puts a collar and leash around her neck. Her eyes perks up in excitement, already knowing they would go outside to play. John always takes his time making sure she gets to socialize with other dogs, whether it’s in a park or just down the street.

“You’re excited, baby?” John murmurs, petting her ears softly as he kneels down to her position. “You’re gonna meet someone special. Want you to be nice to her, alright? She’s gonna be your mom.”

John hauls everything into his car in a matter of minutes. The picnic basket, the blanket, his gifts for his little one that he got from Russia, also including his dog. She’s behaved yet excited as she peeks in the mirror watching her owner work.

He slides into the driver’s seat and locks his seatbelt, starting up the car and driving away from the hotel. Earlier, John had seen a couple of his co-workers loading up his trunk dressed like he’s going on a date – because he is – no doubt they’re snitching and would tell Winston. He couldn’t care less.

He arrives outside her apartment after thirty minutes, parking his car right by the entrance. He can’t help but grimace as he looks around the place. He remembers meeting her here, the day after he killed that good-for-nothing junkie. He wonders if she ever got the news, how she reacted when someone got killed the same day John was visiting her area.

It won’t be long before she wouldn’t be living in this area no more. It’s too dangerous, filled with a bunch of goons who get themselves tangled up in petty gang wars. John knows a gangster when he sees one, and it looks like every single man who lives in these crowded apartments are either pushers or gangsters with no sense of direction in life.

She doesn’t belong here. She should be in John’s house, locked up and isolated where she’s safe under his supervision. He would treat her like a princess, give her the things she deserve.

John gets out of the car, pulls out his phone and sends her a message to let her know he’s outside her building. He leans against the car as he waits.

A minute passes and a very happy bambi appears in the elevator, dressed in a pretty sundress and a white tote bag with a text John can’t see. She’s beaming up at him as she exits the building, and John hasn’t got the time to react before she’s lunging herself forward and going on tiptoe to wrap her arms around his neck.

“Whoa easy,” John murmurs, immediately wrapping his arms around her waist for support, placing his face in the crook of her neck and inhaling her scent; it’s sweet, not a surprise. “You miss me that much?”

“So much, you don’t even wanna know,” she murmurs in his chest, not quite reaching his neck despite being on her tiptoes. “I hope you miss me just as much.”

John pulls away, gives her a look as he places her large hands on her hips. “I might’ve missed you more than you missed me.”

She giggles, John could see her eyes through the heart-shaped sunglasses she’s wearing. It’s cute. “That’s not possible, I will fight you for it.”

“Hm,” John hums, eyes wandering down her lips to her dress. It stops just above her knees, John has to mentally prepare himself for the worst. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” she says sheepishly. “You like it? I think it’s the perfect picnic outfit.”

“I love it,” John clarifies. “Looks perfect on you.”

“You look gorgeous yourself,” she giggles, eyeing John up and down teasingly, catching her bottom lip between her teeth. He isn’t so sure how to react to that, hopefully his dick wouldn’t take the liberty to rise from the dead at this moment. “This is the first time I’ve seen you not wearing any suits. Domestic looks good on you.”

“What can I say, I’m a changed man.” John means both good and bad. “And before we go, I want to introduce you to someone.”

Before she gets a chance to ask, John slides out of the way from his position of covering the car window and reveals a very happy pitbull waiting to be introduced to her mother.

Her smile is wide when she spots John’s pet excitedly wagging her tail inside the car. “Oh my god, she is beautiful! John, open the door, hurry, hurry, hurry–”

“Okay, okay–”

The moment John pulls the door open, the dog comes rushing out to jump and starts licking her face.

“Oh, lookie here, baby! You’re such a cutie! What’s your name, hm? Don’t got a name yet? Your dad can’t think of a name to give ya’?” 

Her giggles are like music to his ears.

The sound of paws pattering on the concrete and her high pitched voice talking to the dog fills the empty street in a matter of seconds. When she isn’t looking, John begins looking around the area, his eyes landing on the apartment building where he preys at some nights. 

There’s a person at the front desk, staring at him like he knows something, and like a switch that goes off in his brain, John recognizes this man as the same one who bumped into him a few nights ago in the hallway in front of the abandoned room where he’s staying.

They meet eyes, John flashes him a knowing look, then the man immediately looks away.

John’s jaw ticks. He’s gonna have to deal with that later.

He turns his attention back to where it’s most needed. She���s still playing with the dog, crouching beside the car while the puppy just drowns in her affection. John really hates to break the moment.

“Shall we get going?” He interjects, voice deeper than usual, still feeling a little on the edge from that man by the front desk earlier.

“Sure. She gonna be in the backseat?”

“You bet.”

John opens the door for the both of them and lets her help the puppy get inside. Before he slams the door close, he makes sure to take another look at the apartment, seeing the man already staring back at him.

Yeah. He’s really gonna have to deal with that later.

*

They arrive at the park around 4:25 and John is the one to set up their spot while she and the puppy play in the empty field. It’s empty, totally empty, and John couldn’t be more thankful than that since he really doesn’t want to be around other people besides her. She’s the only one that matters.

John notices that she brought her own dog toys, probably the ones she keeps to herself since she does work in a vet clinic after all. The sight of her happily running around the grass with his dog is enough to bring him to his knees, he is only but a man.

John calls her to eat and the two of them come running towards him and plops down on the soft blanket next to the basket full of fruits.

“Had fun?” John speaks, sitting beside her on the ground as he watches her get a plate of pasta for the two of them. She insists she gets to plate their food, John lets her.

“Very. Didn’t know she’s quite energetic, luckily for her I can match her energy extremely well.”

“It comes with being young, I guess. Can’t really relate,” he jokes, receiving the plate full of pasta she gives him while she snickers at the statement.

“Come on, John. You’re still fit despite being old.” John watches her take a bite of the food. He’s not subtle, he’s straight up staring at her lips as she wraps her mouth around the fork, savoring the flavor with closed eyes. “Hm, this is delicious. Where did you learn to cook like this?”

“By myself,” he shrugs, taking a bite of his food to keep him from taking a bite of her instead. “I’m surprised you aren’t creeped out.”

“With what?”

“With my age,” John makes it clear. “You’re young with a bright future ahead of you–”

“Yet here I am having a date with an old man?” she interjects, wiggles her eyebrows, teasing clearly with the way she emphasizes the last part. “I can’t believe you thought I’m gonna get creeped out. You’re a grown man with a stable job and not to mention very hot, I find that very sexy.”

“You think I’m sexy?” he raises a brow.

“Yes, I think you’re very sexy. I haven’t once encountered a guy my age who has the same status as you,” she sets down the plate on her lap for a moment. “You know, experienced and mature.”

“I see,” John nods. It’s very clear that she’s always found the people who contrast her so well attractive. She wants a savior that would save her from everything, luckily John fits in the description quite too well. 

They delve in a normal conversation after that. John makes sure to steer away all questions regarding him and his life, a way to learn more about her other than the pictures and videos and information he’d been sent by Alex.

John already knows a lot about her, it wouldn’t hurt to learn a little more.

Ten minutes go by, a bottle of wine has been pulled out of the basket and she’s spilling her whole life to John in a matter of moments. From lttle memories from childhood to how she moved from her hometown to New York to get away from her father. How when she was younger, she begged her toys to talk to her and she wouldn’t tell anyone. How their family pet back in the days impacted the choices she made to choose her career path – to become a veterinarian.

John listens. He’s always been good at listening instead of talking, so he listens. 

5 PM, the two of them play with the dog and she decides to name her “Blue.”

“Is it because she has blue eyes?” John asks.

“Yeah. Not really original, I know, but it fits her.”

“Blue is perfect.”

It’s already 6 PM when they decide to head home. She’s still talking the moment they’re in the car and John is still listening. There’s something about her voice that just… pulls him in. It’s so sweet and soft.

When they arrive outside her apartment complex, it’s dead silent. 

“I really enjoyed our date today, John,” she smiles when he opens the door for her, now standing in front of him and looking up to meet his eyes. “The pasta was delicious. I hope I get to eat more of them in the future – and oh, I really, really enjoyed playing with Blue! I’m so thankful that you let me name her even though it wasn’t really special–”

“Hush,” John jokingly interrupts. “The night might be over, but I can assure you that I will see you soon again.”

“How soon would that be again?”

“Eager to see me already?”

“Maybe.”

“You know I always make time for you, sweetheart,” John croons, placing a large hand on her chin and staring deeply into her eyes. “Is it too early for me to kiss you?”

She laughs, then wraps her arms around his waist to pull him in closer. John looks at her and falls in love for what to be a millionth time today. She never fails to take his breath away. “Not too early, I promise you. You should’ve done that sooner.”

“Well, I’m gonna do it now.”

Before she can add another word, John leans down to smash his lips against hers, his large hand finding its way on the small of her back to deepen the kiss that she can’t help but whimper into his mouth.

Fuck.

Her lips are so, so soft. John can still taste the lingering sweetness of the wine from earlier and being so close to her that her scent is shutting off his entire brain. If he won’t stop, he might just end up fucking her on the hood of his car until she can’t walk straight.

Their lips move in tandem and she’s following his head like she always does. Her small hands are gripping his leather jacket for support, so pliant and vulnerable, already trusting him enough to kiss him on their second date. 

This is a sudden shift in his universe, John knows he’s already won.

He’s the first to pull away and their lips are wet and connected with saliva. She’s flushed and out of breath like expected, John wants nothing more but to break her and make her his.

Oh wait, she already is.

“How was that?” John asks, voice deep.

“I wanna do it again.”

He chuckles, rubbing his thumb on her cheeks while she’s busy avoiding his eyes. “Let’s save it for next time.”

He’s gonna control himself.

“That next time better come by fast,” she threatens jokingly. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“Don’t talk like you’re not gonna see me for days, baby,” John whispers. “You know I won’t let you go that easily. You’re mine now.”

He doesn’t miss the way her pupils dilated and the way the clutch she has on his leather jackets becomes tighter. She’s already fallen deep into his trap, John wants to push his claws in even deeper.

“Say it again,” she mutters, leaning in against his warm large hand as she closes her eyes. “Say it again. Please.”

John smiles when she isn’t looking. He really won.

“You’re mine.”

*

That same night, 4 AM, John is back in his work clothes and arranging something in a dark room.

The stench of metallic blood hitting his nose, and he stands in the middle of the room to inhale that scent – god, does he truly miss it.

The sight of a man in front of him wakes something dangerous within John’s veins. Hands tied up behind the chair, head dropped forward, lifeless and cold. His lower stomach is open, guts hanging off the floor as the other half is used to gag him in the mouth. His eyes are missing, John took the liberty to take them out for staring at him too much, and he couldn’t be any more relieved when he did.

“What do you know?” John had asked as soon as the man woke up from his head concussion.

“Y-You!” The man had yelled, John didn’t bother finding out his name. “You fucking creep –”

John’s hands twitched beside him. He remained silent.

The man went on a rant about how he’d seen John around lurking outside the apartment complex and using the abandoned room on the fifth floor and that’s all John needed to know.

He didn’t need another pair of eyes to tell him what’s right and wrong. Winston is already enough.

The next morning, John receives a text from none other than his bambi. A picture of numerous police cars outside her apartment and an ambulance, and another picture of a dead body covered in white blanket getting pulled out of the building.

Bambi : there was an accident that happened near me, john :(( 

Bambi : the police said somebody was killed and i’m scared

Bambi : they said he was gutted alive 

John is smiling to himself when he types his response.

John : What kind of a sick person would do something like that?

He is not a sick person. He’s just in love.

Taglist: aerangi starrgir1 heluvsvalefr danika1994 fraisejoon doggodorime ohmytate

[beachyserasims]

Geneva Island Legacy┃Chapter five┃Breathtaking

~ Transcript ~

Autumn's dress is the Rosa Dress from the @sentate After-Party Collection

Beginning / Previous / Next

[damn-stark]

Chapter 4 Snow on the beach

Chapter 4 of Moonlight

A/N- last full Cregan chapter, now onto Aemond, let’s see if he can beat Lord Stark

Warning- Swearing, ANGST, FLUFF!, Talks of blood and death, suggestive nfsw, LONG CHAPTER.

Pairing- Cregan Stark x Velaryon!fem-reader, Aemond Targaryen x Velaryon!fem-reader

Episode- Before 1x08

(If you want to be tagged let me know)

————

*127 AC*

“…we’re hoping for a girl, so if the gods are generous you will have that sister you always wanted, wouldn’t that be great?

Daemon also hopes for the babe to be a girl. He said maybe you could choose a name, would you like that? I think it’s a marvelous idea, please write your ideas.”

A girl? Your mother is hoping for a girl again?

Maybe it’s because you’re far away from her and you haven't seen her in four years, but the idea of her having another daughter besides you makes you feel bitter with jealousy.

Is that cruel to feel?

“Anyway, I’m glad you have made friends with Lady Arra, I hate the thought of you being alone so far away. Tell me is she kind? It’s okay to admit if she’s rude and a bitch—”

You snicker softly at your mother's words regardless of your previous feelings.

“—it’ll stay between us. But if you don’t feel comfortable telling your mother then tell your cousins or your brothers. They won’t tell, trust me, Jacaerys never wants to show me what you write to each other now, but, it makes me glad that you share a bond regardless of distance. I know he misses you as I do, my Sweet.

I love you so much.

Love always, your mother, Rhaenyra.”

You put the letter down on the desk and simply smile softly. You don’t cry anymore when you read her letters.

The first two years that's all you could do, cry as you read what your mother, grandmother, brothers, and even what your cousins wrote. You just longed to be by their side again, you missed them terribly. But when your rendezvous with Cregan changed to secret forbidden romantic nights, you stopped crying at night and when you read the letters from home.

Now albeit you feel like starting crying again. Is it stupid to feel jealous about her having another daughter? Is it foolish to feel like you’ll be replaced?

You’re so far away, and you’ll always be far away because of your marriage to Aemond, so having another daughter will cure that longing to have you with her. Having another daughter also means she’ll replace you because it’s a daughter shared with the man she’s in love with, not someone she married out of political gain, not someone who had different preferences. She’ll be the apple of your mother's eye, of their eye—

No! No, it’s stupid, you’re being stupid. Your mother loves you, she’ll never do such a terrible thing.

Albeit…before, when she was with Ser Harwin hoping for another girl you didn't fill you with jealousy then because at least you had your father; he wasn’t always available, but he was there, he loved you too. He’s gone now though, so if she does replace you you’ll have no one.

——

*4 FEW YEARS BACK*

“All right, now…” he trails off and glances around the ship, you follow his line of gaze to see what he’d point to, but he then turns around and points at something else completely. “…that. What do we call that and what’s its use?”

You squint your eyes on the large spar that extends forward from the ship's vessel prow and think back to what he and Ser Qarl have taught you whilst on your way to Dragonstone.

Out of all the things you’ve learned, it takes time to come up with the answer right away, but it then comes to mind. “It’s the bowsprit!” You clap with excitement. “And it prevents the ship from…uh, being submerged in water when the waters are rough!”

“Yes!” Your father exclaims. “Yes! Good job.”

You skip forward and then speak to Ser Qarl. “I’ve thought of a scenario, all right, Ser Qarl.”

Said man leans his arm against a barrel and scoffs in amusement before he softly throws his chin up to gesture you to share what he asked of you a while ago. Something you thought of with a lot of precaution.

“I’m on deck, and then whoa, I get attacked,” you tell him as you clasp your hands back and walk towards the quarter-deck. “Pirates are coming on the ship, my crew is getting hurt, so then I run forward, use my blade to cut the main yard, and swing across the deck to save them, and myself.” You finish proudly and spin around to face both men with a smile. “Huh? Is that good?”

Ser Qarl and your father share a glance and break into a chuckle, making your smile falter. They think it’s stupid, don’t they?

You knew it! It’s too dramatic and childish.

“That’s…” your father clears his throat and walks over to you to wrap his arm around your shoulders. “That’s a great plan, darling, well thought out.”

You look up at him with uncertainty and probe. “Really?”

He shoots you a grin and nods. “Yes, really.”

“You’ll make a fine sailor,” Ser Qarl compliments. “Probably one better than your father.”

You're quick to please so once again you can’t help but bring back your smile to your features.

“Yes,” your father agrees. “You will. You’ll make a legendary sailor.”

——

*NOW*

“See! That’s how you do it!” Cregan exclaims and flashes a smile as he admires how the arrow impales exactly at the center of the makeshift target. “Let’s see you best that.”

What if he wants to replace you, Prince Daemon?

He has daughters, but those are his own, what if for some reason he just wants to replace you?

Cregan calls your name, but you don't answer or look his way. Instead, you stay lost in your mind and think that it’s unbelievable that your mother would want to replace you. She loves you, all of you, in fact, she was often advised that she not be so affectionate towards any of you, especially towards your brothers, so she wouldn’t just replace you.

No?

Cregan calls for you again and this time touches your shoulder, snapping you from your messy thoughts raveld in your brain.

“Yes?” You query and meet his curious grey eyes.

Cregan blinks and then points at the target with his eyes. “It’s your turn darling,” he says and quickly looks back at you to study you.

Albeit before he catches anything, you pick up your bow and an arrow to then go stand where Cregan was. You exhale softly to try and forget what you were thinking of while you shift your feet and lift your arms. You get the arrow in position and get ready to shoot it, but hands then fall on your arms, making your breath catch and your gaze drift to the corner of your eyes to look at Cregan behind you.

“Relax your bow arm,” he advises softly as he holds your gaze the entire time.

You can’t help but smile and stare at his lips.

“You did hear me?” He asks.

You relax your bow arm like he said and nod.

“Just making sure. You’re not looking at me in the eyes,” he teases.

You laugh softly and slowly meet his gaze with a playful smirk. He snickers and then steals a quick peck from your lips before he stands back.

You flash him a giddy grin before you look back at the makeshift target and draw out a soft exhale again before letting the arrow fly.

Albeit the arrow whizzes past the target clung onto a thin tree.

“I see,” Cregan stifles his laugh and crosses his arms over his chest. “That was terrible.”

You sigh and lower your arm to stand back without meeting his gaze—your mind is just too lost.

“Your teacher must not be so good, you missed the target. You’re usually good,” he continues to tease.

You drop your arms and huff. “The tree is too thin,” you throw out the first complaint that comes to mind.

“The target isn’t the problem,” Cregan points out honestly. “When we go hunting the prey is moving. At battle, the target is moving as well. This. this is easy.”

“I won’t use a bow and arrow,” you remark and briefly meet his gaze. “I’ll have a sword in battle, and Astraea.”

Since you glance up as if you could see Astraea overhead you miss the way Cregan watches you and sees right through your troubled mind right away.

“The target isn’t the problem,” he repeats and leans his equipment against the tree behind him to approach you. “What’s wrong? What troubles you?” He asks softly and takes the stuff from your hands to put it by his.

You know you’ll sound like a total whiner, a spoiled brat most likely. He’s more humble than most of the people at Kings Landing, so he probably won’t agree, but all these thoughts are overflowing your mind and they’re beginning to drown you, you can’t hold back anymore. Besides he is your best friend, and your…paramour? Partner?

No that sounds too official, you aren’t. Paramour sounds right—he’s your secret paramour. He should know what troubles you.

“It’s,” you begin to share and sigh deeply. “It’s my mother. She’s with child again.”

He hums and just like you predicted he responds nicely which contradicts your frown and gleaming eyes. “That’s great news, I’m happy for you….” He trails off as he notices your reaction and backtracks. “Is it not great news?”

You mindlessly grab the pendant your grandmother had given you and mutter. “They’re hoping for a girl, again. Aegon came out as a boy so they’re hoping for a girl this time…to replace me.”

Cregan sighs and shakes his head as he looks at you as if you’re mad. “What? Darling, why would you think that?”

Tears fall out of your eyes as you’re overwhelmed with sorrow you can’t surpass. “Because,” your voice quivers. You can’t even look at Cregan in the eyes or else you’ll just feel a worse anguish in your heart. “Unlike Aegon and this new baby, they’ll have soon, I wasn’t made out of love. My parents had a duty to commit, not Prince Daemon and my mother. They love each other, their kids are made out of love. She wants to replace me with a daughter she wasn’t forced to have. A different daughter that…” you trail off and shake your head whilst you wipe the tears that manage to break out. “…that’s not like me.”

Cregan sighs softly and closes the gap between the two of you with an embrace. “Oh my darling girl,” he says as he begins to caress your back. “That’s the most maddest thing I’ve heard.”

Now that you’re in his embrace, as his comforting smell filters into your nose you can no longer hold back your tears, you cry softly as you hug him.

“I may not know your mother, but from what you’ve told me, it seems she loves you,” he assures you. “She’d never replace you. Never. Who would replace a woman like you?” He asks and pulls back to cup your cheeks. “It’s like if you had a daughter already, wouldn't you want another if the gods were generous enough?”

Well, when he puts it that way.

“I suppose I would,” you whisper.

Cregan offers you a faint smile and nods. “See? You just miss your mother, that’s all. Besides you’re her eldest, you’re special to her, you always will be no matter who comes along.” He assures you while he wipes your tears away before he leans in and presses a gentle kiss on your lips and on your forehead.

“You’ll always be my favorite girl regardless.” he finishes saying to lift your spirits.

And you can't help it, you slowly begin to smile before you steal a lingering kiss that he takes over and deepens. When you pull back you lean your forehead against his and wipe his lips with your thumb.

“Thank you, Cregan,” you whisper with your heart beginning to race as words just run up your throat. “I don’t know how I’d survive being so far away without you.”

The corner of his lips tug to a soft smile. “I’m the one that should be thankful,” he whispers against your lips. “The gods put you in my life and saved me from this loneliness I was bestowed with.”

Your entire face burns and you can’t help but flash him a blissful beaming grin before slamming your lips against his. Right away Cregan slides his hands to the sides of your head and begins to push you back against the tree, whilst your hands travel to the back of his neck, and your nails dig into his skin.

Driven by passion Cregan then begins to slide his hands down, letting them linger on your breasts before he tears open the top part of your dress, making you gasp. Yet your disbelief is short-lived because you then give in and unbuckle his shirt.

Albeit, soon thereafter he forces himself away and lets his head hang low as if suddenly troubled. You try to ease his stress by grabbing his face and reaching for more but he stops you. “Who would I be if I made you mine?” He mumbles between pants. “I can’t.”

Your smile softens as you're quick to reassure him. “You won’t dishonor yourself or me because I love you.”

Cregan holds your gaze in disbelief but can’t help his smile from spreading on his face. “We said we wouldn't fall in love.” He reminds you of your ultimatum.

You sigh. “I couldn’t resist myself, not when you’re the very breath in my lungs. Without you, I can’t breathe.”

It might be foolish to say, no it is stupid since you won’t marry, but it’s a truth you can’t hide. Not from him, not when he’s driven you too madly in love. And especially not when he grins so tenderly for you.

“If that’s so then I can finally relieve myself of this weight I’ve been carrying for too long and say that I love you too,” he confesses with a sense of relief as if he had been forced to hold it all back.

And you knew it’s a bad idea, you told yourself you wouldn’t give in to such passionate temptations, but you’re a woman pushed away from the mother who could teach her the reality, you remember her loving passionately and freely and you can’t help but live by those terms and smile at the man before you before you feed your forbidden passion by stealing a kiss.

“Give me the privilege of giving me your maidenhead then,” he whispers against your lips and steals the very breath from your lungs—“give me the privilege of being mine. Only mine.”

You meet his gaze and never think about Aemond, he doesn’t cross your mind when you’re with Cregan. He should be the very thing that stops you, but he's left you alone, so neither you nor Cregan think of the consequences of what could happen, you’re too driven by lust, passion, and by love.

“As long as you are mine,” you whisper impatiently as you pull his shirt off.

Cregan smirks and nods. “From this day until the end of my days,” he whispers happily against your lips as he holds your gaze and nothing else.

——

*A FEW MONTHS LATER*

“You know when I was a little girl I used to be scared of the North,” you tell Cregan while you admire a flame dancing on a candle on your end table.

“Why’s that?” He asks with some amusement playing in his tone.

You snicker and peer back at him with a smirk. “The servants' children said that giant spiders roamed the snowy lands and that northern men were big, brutish, and stole women from the homes of their husbands.”

Cregan pulls his hand away from your bare hip and you can practically hear those dark eyebrows furrow while those pink pouted lips only crease to a frown.

When you churn your head you’re proven right when you see him looking at you with a pointed look. “They say that?” He presses as if those people had personally offended him.

Your smirks turns to a teasing smile and you nod. “A lot of people like to make up reality when they don’t know it.”

Cregan grumbles and turns to lie on his back and look at the canopy overhead. You ache for more of his gentle but rough fingers so you turn and tangle your legs with his while you place your hand on his chest.

“Did you ever imagine you’d love a brutish man?” Cregan asks and almost sounds deeply serious.

You snicker and tease him. “Do I? Or did this man take me from my quarters and make me his?”

Cregan blinks and turns his head down with a smile he can’t help but flash at you. “Maybe it’s you who has cast a spell on me. I heard that the Valyrians were blood sorcerers.”

You giggle and sigh longingly. “I wish I could do such a thing, but the practice is forbidden and lost in your family, unfortunately. My natural beauty is the only thing that took you under a spell.”

Cregan blesses your ears with a hearty chuckle before he flips swiftly and captures you under him. You bite your cheeks to not yelp out of excitement and alert a servant or a guard.

“That is indeed true,” he flatters you and leans down to capture your lips in his. “You have a bewitching beauty.”

You grin and hook your arms around his neck to keep him close. “Oh, I like that.” You coo. “It makes me sound frightening.”

He hums and averts his gaze before interjecting. “No not bewitching then. Enchanting.”

Your smile softens and you can’t help but look at him softly as if he had just made you fall in love with his words alone.

“Tell me,” he continues to fill the comforting silence. “What else did you think of when you were young? More fake stories about northern men?”

You chuckle softly and shake your head. “Well,” you part your lips and sigh deeply as you think back to several years worth of thoughts, casting a long silence.

Cregan doesn’t mind the silence though, he liked to watch you in the silence like an admirer watches art they find fascinating; he never could get enough of the beauty before him. He even liked to admire you while you parted your lips.

“Without getting too depressing—”

Yet you don’t get to finish because the door handle suddenly clicks before the door bursts open, leaving you no time to attempt to hide, only leaving a second for Cregan to flip himself off you.

Nevertheless, the intruder happens to be Arra, Cregan’s wife, and your closest friend.

It turns out that Arra didn’t turn out to be the concern you worried she’d be, unexpectedly she turned out to be a good friend even if you do love her husband. Sure it took time to become friends mostly because you pushed away the possibility out of your fear that she hated you, but she doesn’t.

It also turns out that her preferences are different, she enjoys the company of women, mainly that of her handmaiden. She just put on an act that day Cregan became Lord to fool the masses. Which is a relief, you probably wouldn't be able to handle the guilt if she actually loved him.

“Arra,” Cregan hisses and pulls the furs over you to cover up your bare chest.

“Forgive me,” she mutters as she quickly closes the door behind her before she waltzs in and throws herself next to you on the bed. “I grew bored listening to all the maester had to tell me so I pretended I needed to talk to my husband.”

One would think you would be appalled that she’s lying next to Cregan and you with nothing on but the furs keeping you warm, but, well in your time together, as you’ve grown closer it’s just something you do and don’t question. For one, Arra says she finds no romantic interest in Cregan, and he’s her husband under the old gods, secondly, she jokes that she’s basically married to you too because of how much Cregan loves you, so it’s just like partners being in bed with one another; arra says.

As for Cregan and you, well, you’ve grown accustomed to it, and to keep up appearances you’ve chosen to find a taste for it.

“It’s one of the dreading days isn’t it?” You query Arra knowingly. “That’s why I pretend Astraea needs tending to. They don’t bother me when I say I’m with her.”

Arra rolls her eyes and Cregan frowns at the canopy—“I really detest that I have to suffer through the Maesters dreadful lectures without you. You’re my ward, you're meant to suffer with me.”

You snicker. “I suffered through enough of them with the previous Lady, and I will have to suffer through worse lectures in Kings Landing, I’m taking advantage of your kindness.”

Arra snaps her head to you, and you meet her gaze and you both break into laughter.

“You know we were in a conversation,” Cregan cuts in quite annoyed that your precious moments were so rudely interrupted.

You don’t mind Arra barging and find it as an excuse to see Cregan later so you drag her in your conversation. “He asked me what I would think about when I was young.”

Arra hums curiously and fixes herself to get comfortable, much to Cregan’s protest.

“Well,” you finally share your long-awaited response. “When my head wasn't literally in the clouds or fantasizing about my desires, I would often think about my future. Who I would marry, where I would go, what would happen to me, and who I wanted to be.”

A silence lingers where both Arra and Cregan think about what you said and why someone young would have to think about something so serious so early on. They both grew curious about who it is you wanted to be before a future was chosen for you, but Cregan beats Arra to the question.

“Who is that you wanted to be?”

You sigh dreamily and rest your head on his shoulder first before you tell the tale you were forced to leave behind along with your childhood. “Besides wanting to be a sailor, or an explorer, or a singer, I wanted to be Queen, a kind one like great, great grandmother Queen Alyssane, and my ancestor Queen Rhaenys.”

“Queen?” Arra probes between a joke and a serious demeanor.

You nod softly. “I was the eldest, I thought it was my right, but well…” you trail off and leave it untouched because they know why your dreams weren’t granted. Albeit you do defend yourself. “Not that I resent my brother, I never have, I kept dreaming after that dream was crushed.” You smile softly and that assures Cregan that he can poke at you now.

“What is it you wanted after that? To be a pirate? Isn’t that something you asked to be?”

You laugh and nod against his chest, letting him wrap his arm around your head to press you against him. “Yes well, besides that I dreamt of things I could never be, things I no longer crave because…my feet around on the ground now, and because when I think about tomorrow I see the people I love beside me.”

Another silence follows and this time it’s not so tense, it’s comforting and full of sweet bliss. Arra breaks it and what she shares doesn’t bring tension. “I was in crisis when I was young because I learned I fancied women, and then I hated the fact that I would have to marry a man.”

“I wanted to meet a giant that I thought lived far north,” Cregan shares and right away Arra and you share a knowing look because compared to Arra and you, that was such a sweet and weightless response. He doesn’t seem to understand what his response meant though, so when Arra and you start laughing he’s just left puzzled.

“What is it? I’m being serious, aren’t you?”

——

*128 AC*

Screams fill the room while the sour metallic smell of blood begins to filter the room.

“Come on my Lady push! The babe is almost out!” The midwife instructs Arra.

Albeit Arra throws her head back and shakes her head. “I can’t,” she cries out shakily. “I can’t! It hurts! Please don’t make me go on, please,” she begs with streams of tears mixing with the thick beads of sweat that bathe her face.

“Arra,” you mumble and lean over to grab her jaw and tilt her head to the side so she can meet your gaze. “Arra, I know it hurts, I know, but you have to keep going for your babe. If you don’t then they’ll die,” you share the harsh truth so she can get inspired. “The pain is almost over. I promise.”

Seeing and hearing her in pain is something you don’t want to witness, you know the possibility of her outcome and it frightens you; not for selfish reasons, but rather because she’s your friend, your best friend and you know how cruel childbirth can be and she doesn’t deserve to suffer.

You want to be back to when it was just Cregan, you, and her, simple and serene times. Days when you’d sit under the old weirwood tree with her, and her lady paramour, Genevieve, and sing a sweet song to the babe still growing in her belly.

“Something,” she stammers as she holds your gaze. “Something feels wrong.”

You look up to meet the gaze of her handmaiden and lover and mirror a concerned look before you look at the abnormal amount of blood that is pooling around her.

“We won’t let anything bad happen to you,” Genevieve assures her even if you’re both starting to know the cruel truth.

“Promise,” she continues to say in a way that doesn’t involve the others but doesn’t give away that her words are coming solely from her own aching heart.

“Push, my Lady, push!” They instruct again, and she listens, she puts as much effort as she can into delivering the babe that Cregan and her managed to make. However, she loses too much blood as the babe struggles to come out of her.

Arra doesn't even get to meet her son, she took her last breath as he cried for the first time, and your own heart wept at the realization.

But how does that compare to when you tell Cregan?

He didn’t love her, it’s true, but he did care for her. She was his best friend since childhood, a close confidant, and his wife. He’ll be so heartbroken and you dread seeing more of his sorrow, he was already so distressed when she began to bleed more than normal. He had to leave the room at that moment—Which in turn becomes an issue though because now no one can find him.

Albeit, you know where he is. It’s obvious too. It’s the only place he can think of going to at such a desperate moment. The Godswood.

“Cregan,” you call out as you see him sitting on a tree trunk by the red-leafed Heart tree.

Said man looks up with gleaming eyes. You don't hesitate to approach him and crouch down in front of him. “It’s a boy,” you share with a faint smile but with melancholy, he doesn't miss but ignores, Cregan actually smiles at the ground and murmurs.

“Rickon.”

You take his hands in yours and lose your smile as the dread of sharing the news begins to choke you, threatening you not to speak. Albeit he looks up at you and sees right through you again; he sees the tears stains on your cheeks, and the new tears that begin to form, and he knows he can no longer ignore the truth.

“No,” he mutters and shakes his head. “No, it cannot be true.”

You sniffle. “I’m sorry,” you whisper.

Cregan drops his head to hide his sorrow from you. After all these years he still hides his anguish, but now he doesn’t put on a brave face and then hides away in his chambers, now he lets you see his vulnerability. He lets you comfort him.

“I’m sorry,” you repeat and begin to caress his back. “I’m sorry.”

Cregan drops his head on your shoulder, letting you slide your hands around his neck so you can gently caress him and accompany him in his grief. You wish you could stay like that for a while longer, but you can't be caught being so affectionate so when the others found him you could go on pretending.

You learned to get better at pretending. In the first year of your secret relationship, you were almost caught doing things friends shouldn't do too many times, luckily it didn’t happen and a scandal didn’t spread…all because of Arra, she offered her aide then, she taught you how to be very discreet. Well, you were sneaky before, but you would get caught before, and because of her you didn’t and won’t. She helped you a lot and now she's gone with nothing left to her but her bones, and baby Rickon.

However, how can a child stop your departure? You had made the excuse when the five years were up that you wanted to wait for Arra to give birth, and the Queen granted it, but now?

Now Arra’s gone and the babe is here, meaning you will leave soon. You’ll leave Cregan...

That's what hurts too, knowing that with Arra’s death, your time here has also come to an end. You’ll have to leave and face…Aemond.

Seven hells.

You exhale deeply and fall on your bed now that you are in your semi-sheer white nightgown. All the walls that surround you that you once thought dull and bland, and the ceiling above you that you hated looking at when you first got here will soon change for you. This freedom you have here will soon change to a never-ending pester. And the people are somewhat nice, they're certainly a lot nicer now than they were the first year, they’re not racist anymore, but soon you’ll be surrounded by creeps like…Aegon.

Albeit creeps like him exist even here at Winterfell so that won’t change that much—The silence at night though, that will change and you’ll miss it too…

“Damn,” you grumble. “Maybe they should catch us together. It’ll be a bit of a scandal, but what of it?” You groan and sit up to push yourself off the end of your bed and walk to your balcony.

Perhaps the coldness is the one thing you won’t miss, but the silence? The tranquility? Cregan? You will miss him the most…

You sigh deeply again and fold your arms over the railing to rest your chin on your hands as you admire the empty street below. You let the silence linger for a moment before you begin to laugh quietly to yourself.

Once upon a time when you lived in Kings Landing, you’d look down at the streets below just past your window, and you'd see the calamity of everyday life and wish to be amongst it, now you’ve found peace here and wish to stay here in this castle amongst the tranquility. Have you grown, or have you forced yourself to make peace with your life?

You don’t know, so you sigh again and turn your head to the side, in that moment catching the rare blue winter rose in the corner of your railing.

A smile spreads on your lips and you rush over to pick it up, finding a small scroll around the stem. When you open it you see a small sentence; “meet me in my quarters.”

That’s bold of him, but you don’t argue, you’ve found ways to sneak to him. You use the same methods now with no hesitation and find yourself in his quarters, but find him looking out his own balcony. When you make sure no one is approaching you break your silence.

“Cregan?” You call out carefully, finding his still behavior odd.

Said man turns and you quickly add on. “Are you all right?”

The corner of his lips twitch to a slight smile. “Rickon is the most precious thing ever.” He begins to walk to you, and you don’t fail to head towards him as well—“You have to meet him.”

You smile. “I have. Albeit our meeting was cut short. He looks like you though.”

“You think?” He asks softly.

You nod as you meet right in the middle of his room. He takes no time to be sweet and grab your hands to wrap them with his warm ones.

“Baby Rickon makes me think of…our own children.” He makes your heart skip a beat before it begins to race. His words are absurd, you can’t be man and wife, but hearing him say those words makes it seem like a possibility.

“Hair white as snow, kind eyes like yours,” he says and cups your cheek. “Mighty children born of ice and fire.”

You can’t help but let your smile widen, and lose your mind in the impossible for a moment. You come down from that dream and face a truth he doesn’t want to see. However, instead of breaking his delusions, you let him dream because of his grief.

“How are you doing Cregan?” You ask and avoid the topic. “Be honest.”

Said man averts his gaze and lets your hands fall before he then wanders to the side of his bed to take a seat. “I,” he interjects but pauses and drops his head.

Now that racing heart you felt slows down and sinks as you see the anguish he was trying not to show. You approach him and sink down beside him on his bed.

“I feel as if I could have done more,” he reveals and looks up to meet your gaze, letting you see the tears that gleam over his eyes. “I know I didn’t love her as I possibly should have, but she was still my friend, and she died and I couldn’t stop it.”

You shake your head and press your hand on the side of his neck to caress him gently. “It wasn’t your fault,” you comfort him. “You did not do this. What happened to Arra unfortunately is normal. There was no preventing it. It was simply the Gods will. I’m sorry.”

Cregan swallows thickly and drifts his gaze away again, letting you press his head against your chest to be able to embrace him and keep him close to your heart.

“Now what you can do to honor her memory is be Rickon’s father,” you add quietly. “He’ll need you, Cregan.”

Cregan pulls away and faces you with tears rolling down his cheeks. “I don’t know how to be a father.”

“Who is?” You counter softly. “We don’t spend our lives training to be parents. You’ll struggle, everyone does, but you’ll know one step at a time as life moves on. Be the father yours was to you,” you try to assure him as you cup his jaw.

Cregan holds your gaze for a lingering minute, his lips part and his gaze softens. He doesn’t say anything for a moment that seems to go on for eternity, but then, just as you were growing insecure about what you said, he smiles before he steals a kiss from you.

“See,” he breaks his silence and grabs your cheeks. “This is why I love you. This is why you’d make a great Lady of Winterfell. Your kindness can melt the coldness that surrounds this land.”

You scoff softly and drop your eyes whilst you push his hands away and stand up off the bed. He lays down and watches you pace away.

“I’d also make a good Lady because I am stubborn, a good ruler needs that,” you play along, making him chuckle. However, you end your amusement fast and grow serious.

“But you truly can’t say that,” you mutter and grab the pillar of his bed to spin around and begin to walk to the other side. “You can’t say those things to me.” You remind him sharply.

“If I put a babe in your belly they’ll send you back to me,” he suddenly blurts, causing you to stop just as you reach the other side of the bed to stare at him in disbelief.

“You’ll have no choice but to be my wife and Lady,” he adds the fire, but regardless of the heat that basks your face you pretend to be bothered and grab a pillow off his bed to throw at him. Albeit Cregan catches it and snickers.

“My darling love,” he adds and then flips on his bed to crawl towards you. “Is that not your wish? Your greatest desire? I can put one in you now. Have you back with me in 60 days. ”

“Cregan,” you mumble and sigh with sadness knowing it’s not something that can happen. “You’d know what would happen if you did. Aemond would come after you, my family would too.”

Cregan sits up on his knees before he grabs your hand and suddenly yanks you towards him on the bed, making you yelp as you grab onto his shoulders.

“What?” He counters. “You don't think I can fight him?” He snickers and cups your face. “I’d do it. I’d fight every fucking man in this world if it meant making you my wife.”

It’s these words that only add to your ache about leaving, that only makes you swoon that much more for a man you can’t have.

“I have to—”

“Quiet,” he interrupts you and covers your mouth, making you let out a muffled scoff and twist your face to demonstrate your discontent. “Don’t say it,” he says, knowing that you were going to tell him you had to leave. “Just lay with me tonight.” He pulls his hand away from your mouth and pulls you down with him so you can lie right next to him on his bed.

You debate on dwelling on the matter, but if these are your last moments, then you want to appreciate them, so you don’t bring up your fate and just let him gently stroke your exposed back with his fingers. You snuggle against his warm chest and embrace him, you don’t think about anything but him in the comforting silence that blankets the two of you.

It’s stupid of you, but you love him.

——

*A COUPLE DAYS LATER*

Tonight is the last night you’ll ever spend together. Tonight is the last night you’ll see his beautiful face basked by the moon's soft light, tonight is the last night you’ll touch his lips, laugh, and hear his sweet voice pour in your ear like honey. Tonight is the last night you’ll be embraced by his warmth, it’s the last time you’ll have his smell filter in your nose, it’s the last time you'll hear him laugh, and see his smile painted on his features.

Tonight is the last night you can be lovers before you have to act as mere strangers passing through the night. And he’s making the most of it, acting as if nothing is going to happen. You try to act as clueless as him, but the thoughts keep coming back.

“Cregan,” you call out as he keeps walking deeper in the woods. “It’s far enough, and It’s cold, perhaps we should go to your quarters.”

Cregan peers back briefly and flashes you an assuring smile. “Not much further, just catch up.” He waves you over, forcing you to pick up your pace in the fresh snow that blankets the ground tonight. However, you come to a quick stop at the same time Cregan does when a wolf's howl breaks out from very close by; or at least that’s what it seems, maybe it’s your sudden fear that makes you hear it.

“Cregan,” you whisper sharply and approach quickly to clutch onto his arm. “Let’s go back to our usual spot, come on. These aren’t our grounds.” You look out to the depths of the woods to see if you’d find a pair of glowing eyes.

“These are my grounds,” Cregan corrects you and reaches for your hand. “Come let’s get closer.” He tugs you further, but you instantly yank him back.

“Are you mad?” You argue in panic and slight judgment. “There can be a pack of wolves out there.”

Cregan scoffs and grabs both of your hands to pull you towards him and counter. “And you have a dragon, don’t be frightened.”

“Astraea wouldn’t bite our faces off and shred us apart with her teeth,” you counter back louder. “The wolves will, and Astraea can only get here so fast.”

Cregan shoots you a smirk, just a simple smirk before he lets your hands fall to run ahead without you.

“Cregan?!” You shout as you stay put and watch as he reaches the top of the small hill before you lose his figure past some trees. “Cregan, don’t leave me alone!”

Seven hells!

Fucking man…

You squint your gaze and take a step forward, but don’t catch a glimpse of him. You just hear the sound of a wolf howling again, causing your heart to skip a beat before it starts to race as your fear heightens. “Cregan!” You call out for him again. “Don’t jest with me!”

You take another cautious step forward and stick your neck out, but still nothing.

Alas then, from the deafening silence, there’s a scream that comes from Cregan up ahead.

The wolf got him!

Rather than being hesitant, you pick up your dress's skirt and run where you saw him disappear to even if there’s a wolf close by.

“Cregan?!” You cry out desperately and proceed to come to a stop when you don’t see him or a wolf. “Cregan?!” You grab onto the tree and turn your head from side to side, however, it’s at that exact moment that hands slap against your shoulders and a quiet “boo,” is whispered in your ear, causing you to yelp and spin around hastily.

And there in the shadows is Cregan, his gray eyes reflecting his joy, while his smile shines just as bright as the stars and the moon before his evil laugh fills the silence.

“Why would you do that?!” You remark with anger before you try to shove him back. However, he catches your wrists in time.

Yet Cregan’s feet aren’t planted against the ground well, and the force you put behind your hit is strong, so he loses balance and falls backward, taking you along with him since he refuses to let go. When he hits the ground you scramble to get up, but the hill you fall on is steep, so you accidentally tumble and take him with you down the snow-covered hill.

He of course laughs the entire way down, but you find no amusement in what happened considering he had you worried sick.

“You are cruel,” you grumble the moment you stop rolling and fall on him. “You are a cruel man.”

You try to move to the side, but he grabs your hands and tugs you back down against him.

“It was only a jest, my love,” he coos and grabs your face. “I just wanted to see something.”

You shoot him a glare and shake your head. “What? How bad I can get a heart attack? I thought you got hurt.”

“And you came running, I’m honored,” he counters with a smirk before he pulls you in for a kiss. Albeit you pull away and smack his chest.

“It wasn’t funny, I was worried,” you mumble with a pout and turn your head away.

Cregan finds this more amusing so he lifts his head and tries to steal kisses from you, but you keep pushing him away and turning your head. When he finally has enough of you turning away he presses his hand against your back to flip you over with ease so he can be on top of you.

“Don’t be angry with me,” he whispers. “It’s funny, laugh.”

You hold his gaze and feign a laugh, causing him to roll his eyes.

“What is it you wanted to show me?” You ask and lift your arms to grab his biceps. “Maybe that will change my mood?”

Cregan smiles softly and caresses your cheek. “I’m more than content staying right here, I love the view.” He tries to prolong this moment with sweet words that work to make you swoon.

“Well,” you whisper reluctantly. “My view isn’t terrible either…but my ass is getting wet.”

Cregan feigns concern. “Really? Let me see.”

“Pft,” you blow out and slide your hands down his arms to grab his hands.

“Come then,” he stops messing around and keeps your hand warm under his grasp as he pulls you with him. “Let me show you the world.”

No matter the impending doom, your grin widens and that fear vanishes completely, leaving only curiosity and glee where sorrow should be. Once you arrive at where he wanted to go you immediately know you should’ve known better because this place isn’t new, you’ve been on the hill that overlooks Winterfell before. Many times actually it’s his favorite spot after all.

Regardless, the castle from higher ground is truly a beautiful sight with all the glimmering torch lights, and the moonlight dancing on the snow around the ancient grounds.

“Sit,” he demands as he extends his cloak over the ground. “This way you won’t have to get your pretty ass wet.”

You meet his gaze and snicker as you sit, letting him lie down in front of you so he can rest his head on your lap.

“I’ll miss Winterfell,” you mention as you look at the castle below while you stroke his arm. “In a month's time, it’s back to, “yes your Grace, no your Grace”. Locked towers. The insufferable Ser Criston Cole who thinks he’s high and mighty, and my fucking uncle Aegon.” You groan in frustration.

“I can go beat him bloody,” Cregan offers.

You shake your head. “No, it’s fine. I can handle him. Maybe show him a thing or two as well,” you say smugly, making Cregan smirk.

“That’s my girl,” he says.

You smile down at him and lean down to steal a kiss from his pink lips, but he doesn't fail to ruin the moment.

“If that place is such torture, then stay,” he doesn’t suggest, or persuade you, he’s demanding now.

“All your things are already here. I only need to ask your mother for your hand.”

Your smile drops, and you avert your gaze, not wanting to entertain this further. You want this to be a good last night.

“I may not be ecstatic to return to King's Landing, but I have to go see my grandfather the King, he’s clinging onto life,” you find an excuse that doesn’t involve Aemond just yet. “I miss my family. I want to see my mother soon after I arrive. As well as my brothers, my cousins, all my family who I miss terribly.” You don’t excuse yourself this time, it’s all coming from your heart's desire. You've been apart for so long and can’t really fathom another year without seeing them.

You only wish you could see your father Laenor too.

“You’ll see them at your wedding to your prince,” Cregan grumbles. “Speak the truth, you want to return to him.”

You swallow back the lump forming in your throat and then look down at him with your face contorted in slight annoyance and shock. “No,” you argue back right away to assure him. “No, Aemond…he’s a stranger to me now. We’re betrothed, he was my best friend, but he stopped sending ravens, he stopped caring. He means nothing more than a stranger does.”

Cregan sits up and turns to face you. “Then stay,” he insists. “If he truly is a stranger then stay with me. Marry me. Don’t leave me in agony.”

You sigh deeply and shake your head with a pitiful look on your face. “You know I can’t do that, it’s not that simple,” you argue for his sake and yours.

Cregan however, clenches his jaw and huffs out before adding to his argument. “I told you I’d fight him. I’ll fight everyone that comes in my way.”

You can’t let his words affect you now, no matter how fast it makes your heart race, or how hot your face burns as you grow flustered.

“We’ve kissed, we’ve laid together, you are mine,” he presses passionately. “I’ll kill him to prove it.”

“No,” you quickly rebuttal, causing him to stiffen and furrow his eyebrows as he starts to believe the opposite of what you try to tell him.

“He has the oldest dragon,�� you press so he can listen to reason, while you grab Cregan's arms to keep him close. “He’d kill you first. And if he does then…” you trail off and scoff. “Then what will become of me without you?”

Cregan pushes your hands away and stands up with a scowl twisted on his face. “I don’t care because I hate the idea of him touching you, of him kissing you the way I kiss you. I fill with rage knowing he’ll be inside you.”

Your body begins to burn with desire at his words, at the sound of his jealousy, but you don’t let him tempt you, you just stand up and let him grab your cheeks.

“I don’t want him to see you smile, or-or feel your comfort,” Cregan continues to recite beautiful words. “He hurt you already,” he whispers and traces the scar on your face that Aemond accidentally left you with. “I just want you to be mine.”

You shiver at his gentle touch, you crave for more, but you still push him away. “If that’s so then…” you pause and let out a shaky sigh as your eyes fill with tears and that lump of emotions returns to crawl up your throat. “…I wish we had never become friends. I wish we had never met, or loved each other the way we do—”

“Don’t say that,” he cuts you off and approaches you, but you step back.

“I don’t want to be the bane of your existence Cregan,” you finish saying with tears rolling down your cheeks. “I told you before, that night we revealed ourselves to one another for the first time. And you,” you point. “You were okay with it. You knew what was going to happen. You know I’m stubborn, you knew nothing was going to change my fate.” You stifle your whimper and drop your head.

“Look at me,” he says sternly, making you lift your gaze to meet his gray eyes that brew like the angriest storm.

“I’d rather die tomorrow than spend a century without knowing you,” he says, making your breath catch. “You will never be the bane of my existence. Never. Forgive me.”

He approaches you and you let him this time. “But I just don’t understand why you want to marry the prince. Do you not love me?”

You nod and cup his jaw to assure him. “I love you. I just…” you hesitate. “I'm just afraid of losing you. If you win a fight for my hand, Aemond won't stop there, and I can’t even breathe with the thought of living my life without you. Sure we’ll be far from one another, but I’ll be content knowing your heart is beating, and that we are living under the same sky,” you whisper and lower one hand to press it against his chest to feel his heartbeat. “That we share the same sun, that we look at the same moon and stars.”

You offer him a sad smile and he admires it while he swallows thickly, and lingers there stiffly for a moment before he suddenly pulls you in for a deep and passionate kiss that is cut too short.

“So be it then,” he gives in as he pulls away. “I’ll let you go without a fight. I’ll ache for you every day, I’ll love you from afar and want nothing but happiness for you, my sweet love,” he tries to assure you in the way you want to be assured even if the words he says are like bile in his mouth. He presses his forehead against yours and begins to caress your face while he smiles softly at you. “If I hear that he hurt you I’ll march down there and kill him.”

You chuckle and feel tears stream down your cheeks. “Okay,” you whisper. “I’ll write to you every week. Don’t forget me.”

Cregan shakes his head and scoffs. “Don’t speak madness woman, I’d never forget you. I’ll write back every week. And if you don’t get married 6 months from now I will go to your mother personally and ask for your hand.”

You beam at him and nod, knowing that you’ll be married by then. “All right. Okay. I like the sound of that.”

Cregan pulls his head back to take in the sight of your face he thinks is so enchantingly beautiful for a lingering moment before he slams his lips on yours to kiss you again with more passion before he can’t ever again.

——

*THE NEXT MORNING*

No matter how much you keep telling yourself it was going to happen, nothing could actually prepare you for leaving Cregan and Winterfell. You couldn't even sleep a wink or eat knowing that your life was going to change again.

All your friends, Cregan, and every aspect of this life as you know it is going to become nothing but good memories. Which is very hilarious considering you dreaded coming five years ago; now you don’t want to part from it. Or him.

“Farewell, my friend,” you tell Rolf who is now a Knight, and now stands a foot over you; he was small when you first met.

“Farewell, Princess, may our paths cross again,” he redirects sweetly with a friendly smile.

You draw in a small shaky breath and nod before you step forward and surprise him with an embrace. “If you ever find yourself at King’s Landing come find me, just say you want to talk to me.” You tell him softly.

Rolf tightens his arms around you and assures you. “Of course, Princess.”

You linger in the embrace for a moment longer hoping to drag on this interaction because once you part away the last person to say goodbye to is Cregan.

But no matter how much you fight it, the inevitable is already upon you. There was no avoiding it.

“Farewell, Lord Stark,” you say softly as if you were no more than friends, you don’t even hide your tears even if they’re really for the lover you’re leaving behind and can’t kiss one last time, or tell him how much you love him.

“Thank you for letting me stay, for making Winterfell my home.”

Cregan clenches his fist to resist himself from comforting you, from kissing you, and forcing you to stay. He holds himself back even if it pains him.

“Farewell,” he puts in a simple word with that stern voice he uses when he’s amongst his people. “…Sweet Princess.”

He steps forward as he holds your gaze and reaches his hand out to ask for yours. You know what he wants and don’t hesitate to give him your gloveless hand.

When your warm flesh touches his, he carefully embraces your hand with his and then pulls it towards his lips to press a friendly kiss on your knuckles.

You shiver at the feeling of his wet lips but continue to hold his gaze as if nothing. You let your hand linger in his and push yourself to add more to your final farewell. “Write, I’ll be far but it doesn’t mean we still can’t maintain our friendship.” You smile and slowly pull your hand away to clasp it in front of you again.

“I will,” he assures you and then looks away for the first time since he’s walked you to your carriage to look back at one of the servants and give him a nod.

“I have something for you,” Cregan adds and meets your gaze again, piquing your curiosity. “A farewell present from me and Rickon.”

You slowly begin to grin and look at the servant who falls beside him and hands him a small wooden crate.

“I know how much you love these feline creatures so I want you to take one home,” he continues while motioning you closer with his eyes. When you’re a few inches away you look into the crate and see a small but chunky balled-up dark gray kitten.

“Oh,” you muse and open the crate to carefully take it out. “Hello, my beautiful friend.”

“It’s a piece of Winterfell to take with you,” Cregan interjects as he admires you comforting the kitten.

“Don’t worry, Astraea won’t eat you,” you assure the kitten. “You’ll be friends, won’t you, Wolf?” You give the gray kitten a name that reminds you of Cregan’s gray eyes. You then blink and look over at Cregan with a beaming grin. “Thank you, Lord Stark. I love the gift. I shall love it, cherish it, and always keep it safe.” You exhale deeply and let your handmaidens take the crate as you step back towards your carriage that will take you to the harbor.

“Farwell once again,” you keep longing the interaction as much as you can.

“Farewell, Princess,” Cregan says one more time using your birth name and your old family name while he also clenches his hands into fists again.

You hope he’ll keep interjecting with more but this time he doesn’t ask for your hand, he doesn’t hand you another present, this time it’s time to leave, thus, after one last lingering look you turn and walk to the carriage with tears forming in your eyes. Once you reach the steps, however, Cregan is there beside you, you meet his dark gray eyes for one last time and give him your hand again to let him cup it and help you up the two steps.

Before you can walk inside and close the door in front of him though, you linger there, you hold his comforting gaze even as Astraea lets out a soft cry in the distance. Neither of you want to pull away, but you have to, you have to leave, so you pull away first and walk in. You let the coach close the door before Cregan and minimize your view of his beautiful face.

The coach doesn’t take long to depart from that spot it was stationed at after that, he doesn’t know about your aching hearts, he doesn’t know to slow down so you could look at Cregan’s gray eyes and his pale face through the little gaps designed on the window for longer than a glimpse. The coach races out, making Cregan’s figure disappear before your very eyes, and letting you see snow, endless blankets of snow.

You want to cry badly, but you can’t, you don’t want to give anything away, so you hold onto your kitten, Wolf, and let Astraea express your hidden sadness with her melancholy song as she follows the carriage.

Now onto the stranger who was once your best friend, but who is still your betrothed, Aemond.

.

.

.

.

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Tagged- @namelesslosers @stargaryenx @chainsawsangel @lauftivy @winxschester @cloudroomblog @llarue @padsdarlg @sofietargaryen @gracielikegrapes @dreaming-of-the-reality @itzelpeyton @patdsinner33 @mrsdominickstark @elaena-aerrin @todoroki-slut @snh96 @urmomsgirlfriend1 @nifujiswhore @sweethoneyblossom1 @kaetastic @lightdragonrayne @squidscottjeans

[reds-skull]

Been thinking to myself, "hey, wouldn't it be cool to animate Ghost entering Limbo?"

I'm animating for uni a lot these days, so I got a process down. This particular scene is from chapter 3 of the fic, the first time I describe Ghost using his powers.

Idk why the whites go blue at the end... just imagine it's black and white (the video has the right colors)

Slower version+higher quality video under the cut

[johnswick]

I know a way. Klaus will take you. John Wick Chapter 4 (2023)

[pyrobuyo]

I miss them :o(

[kaelidascope]

Part 1/4 of Bees Schnees Smut is LIVE

**SHAKES FREAKY DOGGY BAG OF TREATS**

Alright you degenerates. Part 1/4 of bees schnees voyeurism AU is up

[fishareglorious]

I'm going to get shot for this but

madam z/hoffman/constantine. foundation women yuri that no one asked for.

two of them are old. Z is probably like in her thirties. two of them are politicians. Greta probably does not gaf about politics. two of them are the direct supervisors of foundation teenagers. Giving Constantine a ward would not. end very well in the child's part.

the three of them would likely never be in a room together but i have something beautiful called my imagination. they're doing paperwork in absolute silence.

[hiddlelecki]

..And the painting is complete!

This has been SUCH a challenge but one that I welcomed because I don’t often do large detailed paintings..and when I do, I try to go all in. Now I know he’s not perfect, that’s to be expected, but I went outside of my comfort zone and attempted a texture I’ve never done before. It was surprisingly relaxing to paint all the little flecks of glitter and sparkle but if I’m honest..I wish to never do something like this again. At least, not for a very long time.😭😂

You can see better angled views and detail shots of this over on my Insta: _geefreak_

[yudidoodles]

Hearing Nagito's english voice for so long, playing dr thh on english feels like hyping on a little kitten that thinks it's very fierce lmaooo

[sskk-manifesto]

[sad-emo-dip-dye]

Just struck by the thought that Dazai got arrested in chapter 57 which means he’s literally been in prison for almost half of the series

[damn-stark]

Chapter 4 Live for the hope of it all

Chapter 4 of Sugar

A/N- Points to the person who picks up on the Easter egg in this chapter

Warning- Swearing, angst, FLUFF!!, long chapter.

Pairing- Suguru Geto x Gojo!fem-reader

Episode- Before episode 2x01

(Let me know if you want to be tagged)

————

*A COUPLE DAYS LATER*

The morning has felt so long since you woke up so early to go to the temple before the crowd could get any bigger. You had to wait and wait in the cold until you were able to go in, and you didn’t even take that long, waiting took a lot longer.

When you were on your way home your eyes got so droopy and you kept getting lulled to sleep, yet! Now that you’re home that fucking need to sleep is gone. It got completely blown away! Now you’re wandering the school grounds reading a romantic tragedy, smiling like an idiot, and waiting for time to pass so you can continue with the rest of your day plans with Satoru and Suguru.

However…

“Y/N.”

You look away from the book at the sound of your name and see that it’s Suguru smiling at you from the bench in front of the pond.

You should just offer him an acknowledging wave and go about your day until you have to see him. Just so the feelings within you already running ramped don’t go even crazier. You should just walk away, don’t smile and don’t go to him.

Alas you don’t have that sort of control, you walk over to him, and catch his eyes soften as you approach him with your dark red kimono still on.

“What are you doing up?” You query as you close your book and sit beside him on the bench. “I imagined you’d be sleeping like Satoru.”

Suguru shrugs softly and doesn’t pull his eyes away from you. “I couldn't go back to sleep. What about you? You were falling asleep in the car.”

You roll your eyes in annoyance to yourself. “Yeah, but, pft,” you blow out. “It got blown away the moment we got home. It sucks.” You slouch and put the book down to hold onto the edge of the seat.

“You,” he interjects softly, pulling your attention back to him. “You look nice. I didn’t tell you before.”

You swallow thickly and feel your face burn up, your heart begins to race inside your chest, and your words threaten to come out as just breaths of air, but you muster the courage to respond. “Thank you. You looked nice too.” You smile a timid smile and quickly avert your gaze.

Silence follows for a few minutes before he picks up the book beside you. “What are you reading?” He asks.

“A romantic tragedy,” you share and tilt your head towards him to watch him open the book. “It’s about a couple in ancient times from enemy kingdoms who fall in love, even if from the beginning they know they can’t be together. Things and people keep trying to tear them apart, but they always find a way to each other. Until…well the end.” You sigh and pout. “I cry every time even if I’ve read so many times.”

Suguru hums as he flips through the pages. “I’ll have to give it a read.”

You lean towards him to look at your book. “You’re into romance?” You query with amusement.

Suguru's eyes drift to the corner to meet yours and his lips tug wider. “Well no, but I can give it a try.”

You share a breathless laugh and sit back to watch the fishless pond. “How are you holding up today?” You ask with genuine curiosity after what he said about his parents.

Suguru closes the book and puts it back by your side, rather than pulling his hand away right at that moment, he keeps his hand close to yours, letting you feel the warmth of his flesh as he keeps his hand inches away.

“Well,” he says quietly. “It’s never easy, but I’m enjoying today. Really. Satoru and you have made my day.”

You grin at him and pat his hand that he had on your book. “Good, that makes me happy.” You make sure to keep your hand closer now, to the point the side of your hands brush against each other. “We still have quite a day planned so be ready. Oh!” You exclaim excitedly. “And we’re going to see the fireworks they’re popping nearby! I’m excited for that.”

Suguru smiles brighter at you before he nudges you with his elbow. “How are you holding up?”

You sigh and feel your smile fade slowly. “Today I’ve been good,” you share quieter than moments before. “Ever since the mission I’ve been trying to be fine, and don’t get me wrong there’s been good days in between, but I can’t seem to get past it. Even after my resolve.”

“Healing is not magic—”

You cut Suguru off with a laugh and hum. “Kind of is in our standpoint.”

Suguru scoffs. “I mean mentally, dork,” he clarifies. “All those bad memories are going to take a while to leave your mind. I think the most important thing you can do is remember what you’re living for.”

You blink to look down at the body of water across from you, and hum softly in comprehension before you interject. “I never lost that…but since then my mindset has changed,” you pause as you begin to hesitate sharing your new goal out of fear. You feel the need to share with him, but there’s fear holding you back too.

He was so vocal about his goal, about his mindset on being sorcerers. He liked the way you thought before because you thought so similarly, so what will happen now? Will he hate you?

“What is it?” Suguru doesn’t brush you off.

You sigh deeply and slide your hand away from his to grip onto the edge of the seat again. “It’s okay if you want to hate me,” you mumble. “I would understand, but I know I won’t change my mind,” you pause again.

And again Suguru presses. “Why would I hate you?”

“Because I don’t want to fight for the weak,” you reveal and keep your eyes averted. “Not for the non-sorcerers anyway. It might be selfish, but it’s true. I want to help people like us. I want to make our world at least a little better so the next generation of sorcerers don’t have to suffer as much as we do. I know I won't completely change the world, but I want to make a difference.” You finish with a proud smile, making sure to still not look at Suguru. Even as you feel his stare on you.

“I still don’t understand why I’d hate you,” he interjects sweetly. “As long as you’re trying to help, that's fine by me. Besides…I admire your unshakable mindset. It’s hard for some people, they tend to change depending on what others think.”

You hum softly and then lift your gaze to meet his with a relieved smile. Suguru holds your gaze and probes curiously. “Why does it matter if I hated you?”

Shit.

Because…for some reason your feelings for him don’t go away. For some reason your desire only heightens. And it would be like living in a nightmare if he didn’t speak to you. That’s why.

“Because it’s important to me that you don’t,” you share simply and leave it at that without any other explanation.

Luckily he doesn’t try to further investigate, he leaves it be.

Now you should walk away, leave things be here as they are. After all he’s only making your heart pound faster and your mind ravel into messier knots.

Yet you don’t, plus he then breaks the silence so you find an even better excuse to stay—“I need your help with something.”

You sit up and quirk a brow. “Oh?”

Suguru draws out a small breath before he glances away and starts explaining. “I like someone…”

Oh…

“But I don’t know if I should go for it or not,” he continues, making you stiffen with growing discontent. “You see it kind of sprang up fast. I didn’t expect it. It caught me off guard…”

Does he really have to torture you this way?

“…I really want to tell her, she’s truly beautiful, nice, cool, funny, and has this strong unshakable mindset that I really, really admire. I think we connect pretty well, so I want to see where it goes because I have a feeling she likes me too, but I just don’t know.”

If smoke could come out of you, it would. That’s how bothered and angry you are. Why would you care if he likes someone?

“Well,” you sigh with hidden discontent. “I say…go for it. If you’re holding back because of what we do then you’ll find yourself unhappy all your life, there'll never be a right time in our occupation. Tell her and…find happiness where you can, when you can.” You keep your eyes averted and really fight hard to not show how upset you are now.

“Like in my book,” you continue so you won’t storm off. “The couple faces a lot of obstacles but they never let that get to them, they fight through it to be together and they’re the only ones happy because of it. Everyone else is bitter and jealous.”

Like you.

Suguru hums softly. “Thank you. I’ll tell her then.”

“Yeah,” you mumble and slide your hand to your lap to mess with the bracelet he had given you.

Perhaps you should take it off.

“Anyway,” you add. “Who is it anyway? Is it Utahime? Sounds like her.”

Suguru laughs. “No. It’s not her.”

You gasp and look at him with surprise. “Is it Mei-mei? Just so you know she was kind of flirting with me after I told her how much money I have.”

“No,” he denies you sweetly. “Not Mei-mei.”

You quirk your brow and press. “Who then? Tell me. I’m curious now.”

Suguru slightly turns to face you better, and then leans in closer. Even if inside you’re slowly going to combust of anger you still lean in out of curiosity.

“Who?” You whisper.

Suguru holds your gaze for a lingering moment before his gaze drops to your lips. You wait for his answer, but find yourself also glancing at his lips too before you lick your lips and exhale slowly. Suguru leans in, but he stops and groans softly before pulling back just before you can touch his lips.

You should let it go, not think too much into this singular moment. But he was going to kiss you. You! After pinning over him since you met, your secret desire is finally going to come true, so you can’t let it go, you lean in and smash your lips on his.

They’re soft, and his breath tastes like mint. He’s gentle, but you can’t savor the taste completely because he’s quick to pull back.

“I’m sorry,” he quickly interjects and stands up. “I’m sorry if my breath…” he pauses as you sit there in disbelief. “Curses taste bad. I’m sorry.”

“No,” you blurt and stand up. “No it smells nice. Well,” you ramble nervously. “It tastes—smells like mint.” You giggle nervously and see him back away with his head down.

You step forward and part your lips to speak, but nothing comes out. Instead of trying to find your words though you close the gap and grab his jaw to tilt his head up and smash your lips on his again. It’s like giving into instinct.

Besides, you can’t just let it go and pretend like nothing happened, like you didn’t like the short taste before, like you didn’t actually want to, because you did. More than anything all you wanted to know was how his lips tasted like after all the tension neither of you can deny. After almost kissing that night of Christmas Eve, after stealing glances at each other when the other isn’t looking, after that short kiss mere seconds ago.

This time though you make sure to savor the taste. This time you can actually feel your heart do flips. You feel it again, that safety, like nothing in life can ever hurt you, like you’re invincible with him.

Now all your mind is focused on is him and the way his lips move with yours as he kisses you back. Nothing exists beyond that, not the sight or sound. It’s just him, you and your lips, this wet kiss, and this possibility, this hope that there can be more, that this feeling can go beyond anything you can imagine.

Albeit there is one thing, you don’t know what to do with your hands, nor does he. You just kiss until you need to catch your breaths. After that you can’t help but smile.

“Uh,” you laugh softly. “I need to go.” You step back and point back to the dorms before you turn around.

However, before you can leave you turn to face Suguru still standing there, watching you.

“It is me, right?” You ask to make sure. “That you were talking about earlier?”

Suguru laughs and nods. “Yeah of course.”

You beam at him and nod. “I was just making sure.” You giggle and spin back around to head back to your room. It’s only once you’re inside that you realize you forgot your book, and to actually further that conversation and ask what happens now. What do you want to happen?

You did like that kiss and the way it did make you feel. You want more. You don’t want this warm feeling to go away. Ever.

You squeal into your pillow and fall back on your bed to smile at the ceiling. Suguru is all you can think about, thus when a knock raps on your door your mind immediately goes to him.

Maybe he’s going to return your book?

However, when you open the door it’s the reminder of what stopped you from sharing your feelings in the first place, the reason that should stop you from developing what just happened with Suguru. It’s your older brother, Satoru.

——

*LATER*

As the day progressed it continued on like before, slow. Only this time it felt like actual torture. You should have stayed to talk to Suguru rather than skipping off and giggling like a lovestruck fool. Now, you have to go on about your day with your stomach all knotted, making you feel like you’re going to puke. You have to go on pretending like nothing happened, like you’re not thinking about Suguru’s lips, and how amazing that kiss felt. How good it felt to indulge in something selfish.

What will you even do if you do tell your brother? Die? Combust there and then? Be happy?

That’d be nice. It’s his best friend after all, there’s no one he trusts more.

Then again what if it was just a kiss? Something simple and only meant to enjoy that once?

Ugh! That’s why you should have stuck around to talk to Suguru.

“I’m going to get some saka manju!” You blurt and swing your legs over the seat to get off the table. “You guys want some?”

Satoru looks at you and quirks a brow out of confusion, but he doesn’t question you, he shrugs lazily. “Sure.”

You avert looking at Suguru and just listen to his response. “Yeah. That’d be good.”

You don’t wait a moment longer and approach the young vendor selling the sweets. As he notices you approaching he blinks repeatedly before he fixes his hair and tugs a smile on his face.

“Looking to taste some sweets?” The vendor interjects. “Just for the holiday season I can give you a discount.”

You lift your gaze and finally take in his face. He looks quite young, maybe around your age or a bit older. He’s not bad to look at, but he’s not who you like or your type. You can tell by the way he’s standing and smiling at you all smugly.

Yet you still take advantage of his advances and begin to smile all sweetly whilst you touch your chest as if in disbelief.

“Here,” he adds and puts the sweets on a decorative box before he hands them to you.

You shoot him a feigned sweet smile and take one piece to take a slow and seductive bite. You then pull the sweet back slowly and step forward. Once you’ve swallowed you bat your lashes. “That was just how I imagined,” you giggle. “That was very good. How much do I owe you? I’ll feel bad to take advantage of your kindness. Please.”

The guy grins and shrugs. “Don’t worry about it, happy new year.”

You grin at him. “Happy new year.” You offer him a small wave before you turn around to head back to your table.

When you sit down with your mouth full, Satoru interjects. “Uh, where’s ours?���

“Oh,” you mumble and look at them with shock. “Well,” you say after you swallow. “I got mine for free, sorry. I’ll go—”

“Don’t bother,” Satoru grumbles and pushes himself up. “I’ll go. Won’t want the guy to give you the whole damn cart.”

You giggle and watch him as he walks to the cart, leaving you and Suguru alone. For the first time since the kiss.

“So what did you tell the guy to get that for free?” Suguru breaks his silence.

You finally drift your gaze to him and laugh softly. “Nothing,” you say honestly whilst you feel your face grow warm once again. “He just saw how incredibly gorgeous I was.”

Suguru scoffs.

You grin and fold your arms over the table as you lean forward towards him. “It’s simple really. Some guys are easy to fool when they see a beautiful woman. I happen to be one and I know how to work my way with guys.”

Suguru sits back and folds his arms over his chest. “Oh?” He questions.

You shoot him a smug smile and then sit back acting as if he doesn’t have you all flustered. “Did it work on you, Suguru?” You tease him.

Said man scoffs and drops his head to smile at the table. You snicker and peer back, noticing that Satoru is approaching so you lose your smile and grow stiff again.

“Can we talk later?” Suguru interjects.

You blink and meet his gaze with your eyes slightly widened before you nod. As if you didn’t see this coming. “Yeah,” you whisper.

Satoru returns to the table with the sweets and sets the box down hard in front of him and Suguru. “Here. And here.” He adds and puts down a napkin with a number and a name you don’t bother to read—“From the worker guy.”

You reach for the napkin with no intention to actually store it in your phone, you were just going to see if you could make someone jealous, but before you can take it Satoru pulls it back towards him and uses it to fake sneeze in it.

“Real mature,” you grumble and glare at your brother.

Satoru tilts his shades down and you notice he’s looking past you. You peer back and see the worker swallowing back nervously as he watches your brother throw away the napkin in the trash can nearby.

“He’s 20 by the way,” Satoru says and looks back at you. “Hitting on a teenager. Should I have just let him take advantage of you?”

“Satoru,” you complain. “Stop it.”

“I’m just saying.” Your brother shrugs with no care in the world.

“Well,” you sigh. “Talk less. And I’m going to date. You can’t protect me forever.” You meet his gaze so he can see your pointed look.

He however doesn’t falter. “That’s why It’s a good thing I’m the strongest because it means that I can. Back me up here Suguru.”

You avert your gaze and take a bite from your snack.

“Well,” Suguru responds hesitantly. “I think she’s right. You can’t coddle her all her life.”

“Huh? Who's coddling who?” Satoru rebuttals. “All I'm saying is that as long as I’m alive and strong, I’m going to make sure scumbags don’t hurt her.”

“Well maybe, have you thought that someone else can also protect her just as much,” Suguru counters and drops arms from his chest to lean in closer to Satoru.

Usually you’d be touched, but they are talking like you’re not sitting across from them, so you slap your hand on the table and cut in. “Well have you guys thought that maybe I can protect myself when it comes to that? Or any other matter?”

Satoru hums and is about to argue, but you shake your head and interject first. “No. Shut up. This matter is over, yeah?” You get up to continue with your walk now that you have a good snack, the guys trail after you with no second to spare and don’t add on that matter, thankfully.

“Anyway,” you cut in with an excited smile. “I have a movie we can watch later. It’s about this cool and awesome heroine who has the most glorious death!”

Satoru groans. “You just spoiled it so why does it matter?”

You look back at him and shake your head. “No, I didn’t, just watch it, it’ll be worth your while.”

Your brother sighs and then nudges Suguru’s arm. “Well I say Suguru should pick.”

Said man looks over at you, but you quickly look away. This time Satoru notices the tension you failed at hiding. “Are you guys okay? You guys have been acting weird since this afternoon.”

Your breath catches in your throat and your eyes widen, but you don’t say anything. You don’t look back, you just answer bluntly. “Nothings wrong. Now can you pick it up? We need to hurry home, we don’t have all day.”

Once home, you can’t say the tension lifted without talking it out. And Satoru never left far or for too long for Suguru and you to talk like you wanted, so throughout the entire evening the tension seemed to burn hotter. You could feel the heat burning the both of you up, no matter how much you wanted to or tried to ease it, nothing worked.

It’s a good thing you could find your moments of peace, it’s a good thing that Satoru doesn’t seem to catch any lingering glances you steal at Suguru, or that he steals at you, or else it would’ve turned the day dreadful.

Then again you can’t say you much minded all this tension and high emotions, it helps you keep your mind off all the bad memories. Actually throughout the entire day you found your peace in such a simple moment like eating poorly made crepes and watching a movie with Suguru and Satoru. That moment, being with them in that moment brought forth a brighter light within you after having it snuffed out.

Yet you can’t say it satisfies you completely, there’s still so many things you want out of life. There’s one person who could be this beaming light in your life. But it’s that other person who makes this all easier that worries you. What if he gets upset and makes you pick a difficult choice, what if he approves of Suguru and you, but something happens and he has to pick between his best friend and you? How could you be the reason he loses someone so special to him? What if he doesn’t approve of Suguru and you?

Could you really commit to a relationship if your brother, the one person most important to you in your life doesn’t approve?

No matter what you tell yourself, when it comes to important life matters you do care about Satoru’s opinion. You respect his opinion.

Then again, should you hold yourself back because of your brother? What you do in life already holds you back plenty, so should an opinion really keep you from a small selfish desire?

Fuck. What should you do?

Go with the flow? Commit to something selfish? Or hold yourself back for the sake of your brother, and so if something happens you aren’t hurt by the outcome?

Fuck…

Well perhaps you’ll wait for what Suguru has to say. But first, since Satoru is still with you, you'll enjoy the firework show.

“It’s so crowded here,” you complain as you squeeze through the crowd to try and follow Satoru to a ‘good spot’—“We should’ve watched them from home.”

Plus something about being surrounded by non-sorcerers gets you annoyed. Scared? No, definitely annoyed.

Regardless you’re already here, so you just try and ignore it. Instead you look back at Suguru trailing behind you and smirk at him. “Listen to this,” you say before you shoot him a thumbs up and a wink—“That or maybe you could’ve flown us to the sky to watch them,” you tease your brother and chuckle as you look at him.

“I float,” Satoru says over his shoulder with annoyance. “Not fly. Huge difference.”

That always bugs him.

You shrug. “Meh, is it really? You just burst into the sky, so it’s kind of like flying.”

“Is there a difference between me leaving you behind and you getting lost?” He rebuttals, making you pout and stay quiet.

“Here, we’re here!” Satoru exclaims and pushes past a couple.

“Hey!” They exclaim.

“Sorry,” you apologize for your brother and quicken your pace to catch up to him to a cement barrier that surrounds the river.

“Get on up,” he points to the top before he takes your hand to help you up so you can sit on the barrier without having to be squished by strangers, or having to stand to watch the fireworks in the sky. There are other people sitting on the barrier, but it’s not filled, nor do you have to sit next to mundane strangers, thankfully.

“Isn’t it a good spot or what?” Satoru asks as he sits on your left side, while you’re surprised to see Suguru sit on your right.

“How did you find this spot?” You probe and watch your brother closelessly.

Satoru rolls his head to the side to shoot Suguru and you a cocky smirk. “Just thank me already.”

You roll your eyes. “Gross.” He’s brought his dates here hasn't he?

“Just ignore it,” Suguru comments. “That’s what I do.”

You hum in agreement and look up at the sky, you can’t see the stars tonight, too much light pollution from the city nearby and overall pollution. That’s the only thing your family home has, you can see stars from home.

“Oh that’s right, Satoru don’t you have those sparklers?” Suguru probes as he leans towards him from behind you.

“Oh, that’s right!” Your brother says and quickly opens his coat to pull out the pack of sparklers. “I did forget a lighter though. Do you have one Suguru?”

Said man nudges you. “Yeah, firefly here.” He chuckles.

“I dont get it,” Satoru says.

You feign a laugh and push Suguru to the side gently. “You are not funny,” you grumble.

Suguru laughs more as he leans back towards you to offer his lighter. You finally meet his gaze, and roll your eyes with a smile playing on your lips as you brush your fingers over his to take the object.

Yet just before you can help your brother light the sparklers, the first firework shoots to the sky and steals all your attention. “It’s starting!” You exclaim and quickly grab Sugurus' arm to pull him up with you as you stand up to watch how the red light shoots up before exploding into a beautiful red, pink, and orange blast in the sky.

It’s something so insignificant maybe, silly to be excited over, but you can’t help it. Firework shows are your favorite, seeing all the colors light up in the sky never fails to make you smile. Like now, you grin brightly and with awe as you watch the many combinations of different colors; like yellow and orange, white and silver, blue and white, light the night sky.

You're filled with such an overwhelming joy that you don’t bother letting go of Suguru's arm, you hold onto him as you get lost in the moment, feeling like it’s just you watching the designs decorate the sky. It’s why you don’t notice him watching you instead, you don’t see his soft smile as he sees you grin at the sky, as he watches how the colors bask your face and make your eyes gleam brighter.

When there’s a brief pause though, you finally tear your eyes from the sky and look to your right. Suguru’s gaze is on the sky as he waits now, so he doesn’t notice you right away, not until a few seconds later; he meets your gaze and you can’t help but offer him a bashful smile as you hold his gaze for a few lingering moments before you look down at your brother and try to act cool.

Satoru tilts his head up and meets your gaze behind his shades. You smile at him and let go of Suguru to sit back down.

“Light?” You offer and raise your finger to summon fire and show him what Suguru meant by his stupid nickname.

“Oh!” Satoru mouths before chuckles. “I get it now!”

“See!” Suguru laughs as he sits back down too. “Firefly.”

You just groan and give life to the five sparklers.

Wait, five?

“Are these all for you or what?” You probe as you turn the fire off and take a stick.

Satoru gives Suguru his and then shoots you both a grin. “Watch,” he says and then proceeds to get up to walk over to a pair of high school girls.

“Satoru,” Suguru mumbles in disapproval.

You roll your eyes and just drift your focus to your sparkler. Now would be the perfect chance to talk. Here under the night sky, under the fireworks, and protected by their noise from eavesdroppers.

However, you can’t speak up first, you just watch the sparkler in your hand and swing your legs back and forth.

“Let’s take a walk,” Suguru suggests as he nudges your arm. “I suspect your brother will be occupied for a while.” He stands up and offers you his hand, you hesitate only because you first look back to make sure Satoru is busy. When you see that he doesn’t notice Suguru standing up, you take Suguru’s hand and let him help you to your feet.

Since the barrier is too small for the both of you to walk on you instead land back on the ground and begin to walk down the river.

“How are you liking today?” You ask and frown as your sparkler dies.

“Well, its been eventful,” he says.

You look at him with a quirked brow. “Oh?”

Suguru scratches the back of his head and shakes it. “No, I just mean. It’s been fun, I’ve liked today, it’s eventful because I think your dynamic with your brother is unique.” He laughs softly. “You guys are even more chaotic when you’re both alone together.”

You giggle. “Yeah. Well, he gets on my every last nerve, and there has to be someone to correct him.” You scoff. “Besides you I mean.”

“Maybe our attempts are futile, considering he doesn’t listen to either of us,” Suguru points out.

“Yeah but we’ll still do it hopefully it lands through his thick skull,” you mumble and sigh. “Anyway, you had a good time?” You ask again and grab his hand to pull him to a stop with you. “It’s important to me that you did,” you add softly and cup both of his hands.

Suguru glances down at your hands joined together before looking at you and offering you a gentle smile. “I did. Don’t worry,” he assures you. “Thank you for including me today, it meant a lot.”

You smile with relief and caress his hands before you pull away and continue down the path to make sure you’re as far away from Satoru as you can be.

“Honestly I can’t wait for spring,” you share with a sigh. “As cute as winter clothes are the cold and I just don’t get along.”

Suguru hums softly and then queries curisoly. “So you prefer warm days then? Duly noted.”

You smile at the ground. “Actually,” you interject softly. “A perfect day is a not so hot but clear day, which is rare here because of the pollution, but those are my favorite when we get them. I like to just hang out with friends or my brother, or find something to do outdoors. I find them calming. And,” you continue excitedly. “A perfect end to that day would be seeing a blazing sunset with tea in my hand.” You grin at the sky as the fireworks start to light the sky again. “What about you?”

Suguru lets out a deep breath and lifts his gaze off you to watch the blue firework blast in the sky. “Well, a day like today. I don’t have a preference. Cold or warm, I think a good day is just being with the people I care about.”

You look down and smile at him with admiration before you look ahead, feeling your heart pound even harder inside your chest.

“I’ll just say it now before we get interrupted,” he interjects, making you come to another stop, and forcing him to stop to face you. “I like you,” he reveals, or just assures you of the fact. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the day we met. And I wanted to tell you, but Satoru,” he pauses and sighs. “Well he’s my best friend, he’s your brother. I know he’s protective over you, so I hesitated because of him, because I respect him.”

So what? Will this go nowhere?

“But?” You press nervously.

Suguru scoffs softly. “But…a couple weeks ago when I lost you…”

“You didn’t lose me,” you cut him so he won’t blame himself over a trap you fell into all by yourself. “It was my fault. I wasn’t careful. I fell into that domain, it wasn’t because of you.”

Suguru frowns and shakes his head. “No, it was, I said we were supposed to search together, but I got carried away and I lost you. And because of it I recognized this fear within me, one I’ve never felt so deeply before. I was going to just let my feelings go, brush them off, but when I lost you I…I…”

He’s never at a loss for words, sure you haven’t known him long, but ever since you met him he never gets this…nervous. It makes you nervous.

“I felt this crippling fear,” he says softly. “Everything went even darker than it already was, and where I once imagined my future, at the thought of losing you, I just couldn't see it anymore. I felt hopeless.”

Your breath catches in your throat, your heart swells, and you feel the need to cry. No one has ever spoken to you like that ever. Yet you can’t help but feel a twinge of…guilt, and the need to voice it. Even if it adds strain to this beautiful moment.

“I don’t think you should rely all your hope on me.” You sigh deeply and avert your gaze. “I’m not strong like you. I’m trying, but I don’t think I’ll ever come close, so I’ll get hurt or even worse. I don’t want to be the cause of that pain.”

Suguru laughs softly, catching you by surprise and making you slowly lift your eyes to look at him again.

“I read this poem once. Or recently,” he shares

You narrow your gaze and tilt your head slightly.

“About a person who would rather hold onto thoughts of their loved one who’s moved on, they’d rather desperately reach out for them in the abyss than love someone else because they knew no one could make them feel the same…they knew that the ache was better than never having felt at least a moment of that pleasure.”

Tears fill your eyes and you can’t help but smile like an idiot. Suguru holds your gaze as he grabs your hands to cup them in his, providing warmth to your cold hands.

“I,” you breathe out and grin. This sounds more like a love confession than a simple confession, but where there was once fear, now, after hearing his words you’d risk being hurt—“I’d rather live for the hope of it all too,” you mumble and nod softly before you throw your arms around his neck.

Suguru returns your embrace and begins to caress the back of your neck.

“I want to say that I return your feelings,” you mutter and pull back to meet his gaze. “But I don’t think I could compete with what you just said, it won’t sound as beautiful. But just know that I do, I do like you, and even if it scares me, I’d rather risk that just to live a moment of happiness in our messed up world.”

Suguru smiles softly before you lean in and gently kiss him. He kisses you back and slowly slides his hands up to cup your cheeks. You try not to but you can’t help but smile in your kiss. That’s how happy you are.

You never want to pull away, you want to stay in this moment forever; here under the fireworks that light the sky.

However you do both pull away only because you did come with Satoru, and he could come looking for you at any moment. You’ve already stayed far long enough, and he should come looking for you soon.

“If I didnt know any better I’d say you planned this,” you tease him as you slide your hands down to wrap one hand around his.

“Or maybe you did this,” he rebuttals. “You invited me here.”

You giggle and shrug nonchalantly as you walk over to the cement barrier. “Well maybe,” you joke and smirk at him. Once you reach the barrier you lean over it to watch the sky again.

“What are we gonna do about Satoru?” You ask the inevitable. “Or should I say when are we going to tell him. I can’t hide this.”

Suguru sighs deeply. “Yeah me neither. Plus it’ll look even worse if we hide it.”

You drop your head. “I’m scared. I don’t wanna.” You groan. “We could maybe lock him away somewhere,” you suggest and peek over at him. “Maybe one of your curses can eat him. You can hide him in there.”

Suguru chuckles. “We can’t do that. No matter how much we try.”

You groan and pout.

“We don’t have to tell him today,” he assures you. “Let’s think about what to tell him first.”

You sigh and nod softly in agreement. “Yeah? You’ll be okay with that?”

Suguru nods. “Yeah.”

You smile and let your head fall on his shoulder.

“We just can’t hide it from him forever,” he mumbles.

You roll your eyes. “Yeah,” you whisper. “Unfortunately.” You watch the fireworks for only a few minutes until you pick your head up to take your phone out. “Let’s take a picture!”

Suguru groans. “Really?”

“Yes!” You exclaim and flip the phone up to then click on the camera option. “For memorabilia!” You throw your arm around him and squeeze your cheek on his as you get in the camera's aim. “Smile!” You do as you say and proceed to click the button.

The flash goes off, blinding you for a moment, but you still lower the phone and check the screen. When you can see again you notice that Suguru did put on a wide smile.

“Aw! We look so cute!” You exclaim and pull away to the side just in case Satoru is near. “But it’ll have to wait to be my wallpaper until after.” You smile wider as you look at your current wallpaper. “Which means good luck to you, Legolas. You get to stay for a while longer.” You giggle.

“Send me that,” Suguru interjects.

You snap your eyes to him and smirk. “My Orlando Bloom photo?”

“No,” Suguru snaps. “Not that. Our photo.”

You chuckle and nod since you were only teasing him.

The moment you hit send, footsteps approach so you quickly close your phone and try your best to lean away from Suguru as much as you can.

“There you guys are!” You hear Satoru shout. “Why did you guys leave?”

“We didn’t want to be in your way,” Suguru says back nonchalantly.

Satoru laughs and makes sure to shove himself in between Suguru and you. “Which reminds me,” your brother says and digs in his pocket. “Suguru, the girl's friend gave me her number so I could give it to you. We tried looking for you but you were already gone. So she gave me her number to pass on. Her name is Sachiko.”

You roll your eyes and just avoid looking at the interaction, instead you just watch the last bit of the firework show.

“Hey,” Satoru cuts in before he grabs your wrist and pulls it to him. “Where did you get this bracelet?”

You’ve been wearing it for a while now, he notices until now?

“Don’t worry about it,” you grumble and pull your wrist away. “Don’t you have some high school girls to go flirt with?”

Satoru snickers and pats your back. “Don’t be jealous sis, you’ll find some guy to annoy soon enough. Maybe Naoya Zen’in, huh? Dad wants to set that up.”

You gasp and snap your head to him to look at him with disgust and disbelief. “Ew, Satoru, I’d rather be eaten by a curse than do that. You can’t be serious.”

Satoru shrugs and expresses a smug look.

“Weren't you the one who basically threatened that poor worker just because he gave her his phone number?” Suguru points out.

You lean over the barrier and briefly meet Suguru’s gaze, noticing his frown before you both look at your brother.

“Yeah well, Naoya is a Zen’in. And with y/n being born with an abnormal technique in the Gojo clan, and being ranked as Special grade, they want to…you know,” he insinuates as he raises eyebrows. “Pair them up, they want them to do their duties as people a part of the big Sorcerer families—”

You cut him off to argue, “Satoru—”

“Ugh don’t worry,” he ends up cutting you off quickly. “I’ll talk our old man out of it. Naoya is an arrogant blockhead afterall.”

You grab your chest and sigh in relief. “Why didn’t you mention that earlier? Actually why did dad and you talk about some important decision without me?” You snap and lean towards him now, catching Suguru averting his gaze and watching the water with that same frown.

Is he jealous?

“‘Cause, one,” Satoru answers and faces you. “Dad knew you’d throw a fit, and two, like if I would ever let it happen, the Zen’in’s only want you for what you possess. I just wanted to see your reaction.”

You sigh again and smile before you grab onto your brother's arm. “Thank you,” you squeal.

As the firework show comes to an end you all begin to walk away now. “And just as uh, hypothetical, what kind of guy would you approve of?” You ask your brother.

Satoru hums and taps his chin. “Well…someone nice like Haibara.”

Suguru’s nice.

“Why?” Satoru asks. “Are you seeing someone? You’ve been acting weird lately.”

You try to act nonchalant so he won’t catch on, and just shake your head. “No. Not at all. Just curious.”

Satoru hums, but doesn’t probe any further thankfully. Which lets you think about him again actually. Would he approve of you and his best friend dating? Suguru’s nice, he trusts Suguru, so would he have no objections?

——

*A FEW DAYS LATER*

“So y/n do you want me to accompany you to meditate today?”

You look away from Suguru and then smile at your food without even acknowledging the fact that Nanami had just asked you a question.

“Y/N?” He calls out louder.

This time you snap your eyes over to him whilst you chew and look at your friend in confusion.

Nanami slightly squints his gaze on you before he sighs and repeats himself. “Do you want me to meditate with you today?”

You swallow back and then shake your head. “Oh no. Not today.” You glance at Suguru and then look back at Nanami. “I'm practicing my forms today, let’s do it tomorrow?”

Nanami squints harder and mutters back. “That’s fine.”

You offer him a wide smile, take your last bite of breakfast before you get up with your plate in hand. “All right, well, I'm out. Brother,” you acknowledge him.

Satoru hums and lazily throws you a wave before you walk over to dump your plates in the sink to then quickly get out.

Rather than stopping somewhere nearby, you go out of your way to go uphill near a pond that’s covered by trees. People hardly take their time to walk so far for casual training, the only person who mostly does is you because that’s where you can connect more to nature. Albeit right now your trip has nothing actually to do with training, or trying to find balance and strength within yourself. This trip is for something much more pleasurable.

However, just to keep up appearances you do shift your body into some forms that Satoru showed you. Just until Suguru shows up. Which isn’t that long after.

“How’s that going?” Suguru interjects as he reaches the hill.

You slowly turn and when you face him you slide a leg forward, while the other one is bent. You stretch your arm out and point your fist at him, whilst the other one is over you with your palm facing down.

“Well,” you say with a smile. “Let’s say if I had been using the elements you’d either be soaked or on fire.”

Suguru smiles as he hums. “Water or fire forms?” He asks.

“Both,” you say as you shift back to your normal stance and lower your arms. “I think I’ll use these more smoother forms for Fire and Water. Just so if I ever fight an enemy sorcerer they won’t know my next move.” You shrug and smirk.

Suguru finally breaks away from his spot and approaches you. “That’s smart,” he compliments you. “Of course anyone who knows you knows that when you use your fire your arms and hands glow.”

You roll your eyes. “Well, that’s why long sleeves exist, Sugar.”

Suguru scoffs at the nickname and when he’s before you he looks at you with a soft smile before he presses a kiss on the top of your head.

“How’d you escape my brother?” You probe as you grab the edge of his coat flap.

Suguru sighs. “It wasn’t easy, but I did remind him of some paperwork he needs to finish, so he should be kept busy for a while.”

You hum and hold his gaze for a moment before you throw your arms around him and smack your lips on his. Suguru snickers before he begins to kiss you.

However, he does falter and pull back, leaving you with your lips parted wanting more.

“What?” You breathe out.

Suguru caresses your cheek and licks his lips as he draws out a long breath through his nose. He doesn’t say anything, he stays close and just looks down.

You want to press him as to why he suddenly stopped, but that’s when it hits you, you remember his hesitance to kiss you before, so you tilt your head down to meet his gaze with a sweet smile.

“It’s okay,” you assure him. “You taste like honey.”

Suguru laughs breathlessly and keeps his eyes downcasted.

“Suguru,” you whisper against his lips. “It’s okay. I swear.” You press a kiss on the corner of his lips and he finally lifts his head to meet your gaze.

“Just give me a minute okay?” He mutters almost shamefully.

Without hesitance you nod and pull away, and right away you walk over to the tall and wide tree that has its branches hanging over the pond.

Suguru has been behaving like this ever since you kissed him. That night at the firework show he’d been completely taken by the heat of the moment, by the emotions that were shared so he didn’t hesitate. When the next day came and you found your escape from your friends and your brother to have time for yourselves, is when Suguru seemed to just remember the taste of cursed spirits so he just stopped kissing you. The next day was the same, you’d kiss, he’d be into it but it would then hit him and he’d freeze and just turn cold.

You can’t say you wouldn't be the same because you would if you had to swallow nasty cursed spirits. Which is why you leave him be after you assure him that you can’t taste what he does. You’ll repeat yourself for how many times you have to just so he can feel comfort in his discomfort.

For now though, you let him have his time and stop before the old tree.

“Watch this,” you say over your shoulder before you lift your finger up and quickly summon fire to the tip.

Suguru doesn’t question you, he just walks over to you to watch as you shape the fire like a blade before you begin to burn something on the bark.

“Damaging school property?” Suguru teases in a nonchalant tone. “Perhaps this is where we end things.”

You snicker and finish carving your initial and move onto carving a plus sign. After that’s marked you then quickly carve an S before you turn and show off your hard work.

“Look,” you grin and point to the initials. “We’ll forever be marked here.”

A happy smile spreads on Suguru’s lips before he closes the gap between the both of you. “You forgot something.” He points out before he puts his palm out. “Summon the fire again.”

You look at him curiously and with excitement and don’t wait to do as he says. When your fire is once again shaped like a blade over your finger, Suguru wraps his hand around your hand and drags your finger towards the tree. Once the flame begins to burn the space below your initials, he moves your hand in the shape of a heart.

It’s kind of sloppy, but it’s still identifiable and it still makes butterflies flutter in your stomach.

“Now it’s complete,” he says when he pulls your hand back.

You extinguish the flames and smile with awe only for a second because you then throw your arms around his neck and begin to kiss him again.

This time Suguru doesn’t pull back. Or at least not right away, he does pull back, but you quickly assure him.

“It’s okay, I’m serious, you taste like the breakfast you had. Even if you had just swallowed ten cursed spirits I wouldn't care,” you assure him. “I’d still kiss you if you let me.”

Suguru looks into your eyes as he takes in what you said. When your sweet, or desperate words finally sink in, he smiles softly before he kisses you first now; gently but deeply.

You’re so taken by the heat of the moment, by your confession that you pull him back towards the tree, and he presses you against it as you can’t seem to part away from one another. You move in sync, and don’t even pull back to catch your breaths, you just make out under the tree.

That is until suddenly the sound of a voice startles you. “Holy shit!”

Suguru and you rip away from one another, and as he steps back you see Shoko and Nanami.

It’s…Shoko and Nanami! They saw you!

“I knew it,” Nanami mumbles under his breath.

“Since—”

“It’s not what it looks like,” you cut Shoko off and share a panicked look with Suguru.

Shoko continues to laugh, and Nanami rebuttals. “Not what it looks like? What? Did you lose something in each other's mouths, or?”

You part your lips to try and find some excuse, but you just continue to share panicked looks with Suguru as your face begins to burn.

“Look we haven’t told Satoru,” Suguru finally finds what to say. “So please don’t make a big deal out of this.”

Shoko’s camera shutter goes off and you only realize she took a picure after the deed was done.

“Shoko,” Suguru hisses.

“Satoru is going to freak,” you add panicked. “So please just keep this a secret until we tell my brother.” You plead them both, but rush over to Shoko to grab her arm and basically beg her. “Please. Shoko, Nanamin.”

“Don’t call me that,” said guy grumbles. “And well…what do I gain from snitching? Nothing. Plus I don’t really care anymore. Just so you guys know though, you guys suck at keeping this all a secret.”

You groan and now look to Shoko. “Please,” you continue to plead. “Shoko. Please.”

Said girl looks between Suguru and you and then looks down at the photo she caught. “Well,” she says playfully.

“Shoko,” Suguru insists.

She sighs and snickers before facing you. “Fine. I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

You sigh with relief and hug her in return. “Thank you, and I swear you won’t need to keep it a secret for long. Just until we—”

“Grow some balls?” She cuts in and snickers. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. Now why don’t we go talk, just you and me? Suguru, you don’t mind, do you?” She smirks.

“No why would I?” He asks.

Shoko shrugs. “Well just making sure you guys don’t want to keep stuffing each other's tongue down your throats.”

“Tsk.”

Shoko laughs and then slips away from your hold to instead take your hand in hers.

.

.

.

.

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[logicallyserial]

i seriously haven't written anything since the summer of 2022. i also don't play video games that often so it's a miracle first that i was introduced to bloodweave at all and second that they sank their insane little claws into the folds of my brain so hard that they started puppeting me ratatouille style to write easily 20k+ words about them ohhhh my god.

[pastafossa]

How do you get past writer's block? I have a fic that I'm working on that is updating on a schedule, and I made the mistake of giving myself a month off in between parts and now I can't really get back into writing it. I don't want to leave it abandoned because I have a few people who I know are really invested and I don't want to leave them hanging, but I'm having a hard time getting as excited to write it as I did before.

Ok so I'm in a weird place for this, hilariously. Because The Answer That Usually Works For Me (TM) and that carried me through a regular weekly update schedule for almost two and a half years is, in fact, not at present working for me apparently my brain can write through a pandemic but not through recovery from the shit that went down in December/Jan so we found my writing kryptonite. However, I'm going to assume you're closer to 2021 Pasta than 2024 Pasta. SO LET'S GO WITH THE METHOD I NORMALLY USE SINCE IT WAS SUCCESSFUL FOR YEARS. Cause that's the thing: sure, I've written almost a million words, and pumped out chapters for years (ignoring the past few months) but I promise, I hit the same walls as everyone else even when nailing weekly uploads. But over those years, I came up with a fairly solid list of steps that I'd go through one by one.

Fun one first: when I'm in a block, I almost always try re-engaging with canon first. I'd rewatch my favorite episodes, binge a whole season, or even the whole series depending on how much of a boost I needed. For me at least that was often like Pavlov's bell, my favorite story triggering a flood of affection. I'd remember why I loved this fandom and the characters so much, and it could often kickstart my brain and excitement back into gear. If you really want to dangle a carrot and your fic touches on canon, focus on watching parts you're excited to get to in your story. A big one for me in TRT for example was the post-Nobu, Nelson v. Murdock episode, since I'd had that planned for TRT almost since the start, and I was very excited to reach the hurt/comfort I had planned. Even if your fic isn't following canon though, see if it'll give you a creative rush again!

So let's say step 1 doesn't work, either because the canon just isn't hitting the spot or because your fic is dealing with something else. In this case, my next step was usually to jump ahead to write a scene I was really eager to get to. It was often a short blurb, but it was always something I REALLY wanted to explore, and because I'm also a reader who likes exactly the tropes and plots I'm writing, I want to read what fucking happens. Except, fuck, I'm not there yet, am I? And I can't see how that scene finishes until I write my way up to it and finish it. This is my own carrot. Multiple scenes in TRT were written months or even years in advance, simply as a way to bribe myself. This is also an option!

But maybe this doesn't work. Sometimes it didn't. This is when it got a bit more serious. For anyone who was reading at the time, you'd have noticed that I'd sometimes drop side fics, either Matt POVs or one-shots. This was me, in essence, working on the shower principle (basically, ideas/solutions will come if you stop thinking about it and do something else, like take a shower). I figured if I went and wrote something else - either with less stress, or something fun and dopamine-inducing - the part of my brain focused on my Big Fic would wander around the writer's block beneath my notice. And it almost always worked, all while I still kept my brain trained that, hey, even if we're not writing This Thing, we're still writing.

But let's say this doesn't work either. You're well, and truly, stuck. Been there now and then. And, you're going to hate this one. I hate it but it works 9 times of 10. And it is: Write anyway. Half of it was spite. I was not going to give up my schedule, I liked my schedule. The other half was that I knew myself. I knew if I could just get past the chapter/plot/dialogue I was struggling with, I'd be able to roll along again. And so I made a rule: whatever I wrote didn't have to be pretty. It just had to exist. If that meant I wrote, "Jane chased the cat in circles and caught it. She was happy." then that's what I wrote. Because everything, EVERYTHING, can be fixed in editing. But you can't fix what doesn't exist. And so there were those nights when I would scowl and groan and snarl and bash my head against that writer's block until 5 in the morning, but in the end Jane chased that fucking cat adn caught it, it was written. Hilariously, sometimes those chapters have wound up amazing (likely because I spent so much time hammering at them) and reader favorites. There are absolutely, I believe, moments where you can, and should, see if you can push through.

But that brings me to *waves* now. A lesson I've only recently recently and with encouragement. Namely... sometimes brain no go and that's ok. My steps work for me 99.9% of the time, but I've done the above during the past few months, and it just... hasn't dragged me out entirely out of it yet. Sometimes, our brains demand that break, especially when things just aren't going great. There's a reason TRT had a break of roughly 2 years between chapter 4 and chapter 5 (feel free to check the chapter index with dates on AO3!). I had some life things happening and I just was not in a place to write, even if I was still busily plotting and planning and thinking about TRT behind the scenes. And that was ok. We're not machines. I came back like a bulldozer in Jan 2021, yes, and bulldozed through weekly updates, but that break was needed. And now I'm obviously taking a short one again while I recover from everything. It's ok if you're not in a place for it. So the last step is one I've been told a lot by dear friends recently as they helped me through this: be kind to yourself, and try not to stress if none of the above works. The story will always be there, and if TRT is any indication through all its highs and lows, your readers will be there when you start up again.