#700 words of incomprehensible analysis at midnight 🥳

[timeskip]

Gon and Killua's relationship is so. Here is Killua's first friend and he is light itself and Killua hates himself in comparison to him. Here is Gon's first friend his age and being with him reminds Gon that the journey should be fun and they should be kids. Gon doesn't know that Killua hates himself in comparison, he just sees Killua as a friend who gets flustered and shuts down at compliments--but he doesn't know why, he doesn't REALLY understand the lack of love Killua has had his whole life.

When it comes to how Gon sees Killua, it's easy to forget how much Gon doesn't know... He knew Illumi, he knew "I want to be friends with Gon" and he knew Illumi's reaction to that ("you are incapable of friendship") but he doesn't linger on it. There's an anger and protectiveness that lights Gon up from within even that first time he saves Killua, a part of this radiance that Killua clings to and also believes he's not allowed to have near him. This love, this familiarity, Illumi's promise of betrayal that Killua and Gon are both aware of but which Gon has stopped seeing as important, it's something that Gon has accepted. He doesn't think about it, because why should he? Killua is with GON now, they're friends now, they don't have to think about the fact that Killua used to be told he was incapable of that.

(And to a degree, this is part of Gon's emotional repression technique to dealing with problems he can't immediately rush down and Fix, and he won't think about that until it snowballs into something unignorable.)

And Gon loves Killua and feels safe with him, and he protected Killua from his family. That's not to say he isn't aware that the Zoldycks are still dangerous, or even that Killua doesn't still have effects of them raising him, but Killua never shows that to Gon. He never talks about Illumi's voice in his head or the idea of betraying his friends. He hides his habit of running. And, when Gon sees it in action, when Killua knocks him out and runs and Kite dies, Gon accepts it because Killua's agency is important to him, because Gon expects (perhaps unfairly, but he's also. 12. He's allowed to be a little dumb) for Killua to protect Gon, because if there's anyone who can stop Gon it's Killua. He lends Killua his back--he trusts Killua to watch for danger and things Gon can't do. He trusts Killua even to knock him out and run. He won't blame Killua for being (in Killua's own eyes, and the eyes of the adults) a coward.

This is the acceptance that makes Gon bright to Killua, but it's also something so profound about Gon trusting someone this much, not immediately rushing ahead and wanting to do his own thing and being stubborn about it to the point of anger at Killua. It's easy to forget how much Gon trusts Killua, even when he pushes him away and hurts him during the confrontation with Pitou. Even then, Gon stopped for him! Even though it hurts, even when he's spiraling, even though he was leaking aura, he stopped.

Because Killua is still Gon's friend. Even though (from Gon's POV) Killua has no idea the emotional weight of this--even though fighting Pitou was Gon's responsibility, not Killua's--Gon still listened. And then he makes sure that he's going to head forward alone, because in that moment he can't stand how calm Killua is being. How Killua could give forgiveness for what Pitou is doing to Komugi, because--like with Illumi--an injustice has been committed and something must be done. Can't Killua see that?

This is the thing; Gon has given his acceptance of Killua in full. He has given no such thing to Pitou. I don't think this is that weird, Gon is still forming his morals and to him Killua is! his friend!!! He loves Killua!!! He wants him by his side, an unspoken wish for him to come with him in the palace invasion!!! But there's always been a way out for Killua, the knowledge that Gon met Kite first, that Kite gave him his dream and this isn't Killua's fight. But Gon fails to see that where he put Kite on a pedestal that's only driving Gon deeper down, Killua has put Gon on a similar pedestal. They're hurting each other and Gon never meant for Killua to get in this deep; he must know that Killua is here for him and not Kite, but there's no way he knows just how much Killua sees in him. He just doesn't know, doesn't realize, doesn't think about how important he is to Killua. In some small way, Gon sees this friendship onesided, just like Killua does.