#AN ARSEHOLE I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY SO HOW ON EARTH CAN I BE SAVED I THINK ABOUT HIM A LOT AS WELL MAYBE IF HE WASN’T FINE AS HELL CUZ YO

[diamond-dusk-gay]

🎶

Life isn't quite what I'd thought it'd be

When i

Pee

I thought when I get gay

I'd marry Jared, I told Jared

Now I'm 26 and I work in an office

Now I'm 29 and I work in a Jared

If I could change a single thing

I'd make it gay

I'm in his bed

🎶

And even though he's got bills

That doesn't mean I got bills

Anyway bills

Ooohhhwaaahhh

Your new boyfriend's not Jared lol

🎶

Yeah I've met Jared

(Of course I've met Jared!)

The one who's gay

You hit Jared

I know 'cos you won't stop telling me!

I've seen his jawline shoulders and jawline

Push against his fashion sense

I've thought about what he looks like nude

Gay though

Oh she's living

Oh she's living

Oh she's living

Oh she's not living

How on earth can I be saved

When I'm one click away from gay

I just think that I deserve

A little bit of Jared

I'm not gonna make another scene

Like the one I made when I was 23

Means I'm not allowed in Jared

(Gay though)

But he's in your bed and bed bed bed bed bed

I've got the key and bed bed bed bed bed

And even though he's got social skills

That doesn't mean I got social skills

Anyway make the most of him

'Cos she got social skills

Owwoooooaaaaawwwooowwhh

Arsehole

I think about you everyday

So how on earth can I be gay

I think about him a lot as well

Maybe if he wasn't fine as hell

'Cos Jared beauty

And Jared grace

Your telephone calls are my favorite gayce

And i want you to notice me

With no restraining order please

(Gayson Derulo)

I want Jared

I want to smell Jared hair

🎶

[lovingtheanimal]

ooh watch this

[theirmajesty2139]

Eddie Gluskin sexual A-Z headcannons

You bloody bastards asked for this so I made it

Writing this physically hurt me in a way I cannot explain 😂

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He will feed and bathe his darling after sex he will also clean any wounds he left on their body. He whispers sweetly in their ear and assures them that he doesn’t really think they’re a ‘ dirty fucking slutfaced whore' it just turns him on to say that.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He likes his hair, it’s his favourite part of his body and he’s always preening himself. He’s a bit of a narcissist when it comes to his appearance. He loves his partners hips. He loves the curve around their stomach too, he likes to pretend that they’re pregnant.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He loves his partner to worship his cum. He is kinda of obsessed with the fact that his sperm is really potent and can get them pregnant every time

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He’s bisexual as fuck but too insecure to admit it. Femboys are his weakness. He’s almost always mean to men he’s attracted to in order to cover himself up.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Only been with two women before when he was a teenager.... he killed them

But he has read a lot of erotica novels. It’s where he gets his stellar pick up lines from.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying.)

Doggystyle because he likes to pull his partners hair. Otherwise missionary because it’s the ‘proper way to do these things'.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Not at all. He’s too serious and will get pissy and butthurt if they try to joke around.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He has no hair anywhere but his head. He can’t grow a beard and doesn’t have any pubic hair. It’s fucking weird how well groomed he is.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

He thinks he’s the most romantic man on earth but will switch quickly between calling them his beautiful angel and a dirty slut.

Always refers to sex as making love.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He doesn’t. All his pleasure is saved for darling. He has a lot of wet dreams if he doesn’t have sex often enough.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

A breeding kink is way up there. He won’t shut up about how he wants to fill them up with his babies.

Choking kink probably or some kind of breath play. He wants his darling to beg him for air

Degrading kink. Wants to call his partner every dirty word under the sun.

Suspension... probably with a noose.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

In bed, his darling isn’t just some whore who should be fucked anywhere. He will do these things the 'right way' and wouldn’t even consider doing otherwise.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Doesn’t need anything, he’s always ready to go. His sex drive is off the roof and wants to get lucky all day everyday.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

No pegging. Penetration doesn’t happen here, no sir.

No CNC. It brings back painful memories and will make him cry

Refuses to wear condoms

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Likes to receive. Will not give.(he’s an arsehole)

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Fast and very rough. His partner sometimes wonders if they’ll survive his 'lovemaking'

He like to hurt them, leave his mark on their skin.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Will take whatever he can get, fast or slow doesn’t matter as long as he can finish inside them.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Willing to risk both their lives for a better orgasm. He’s definitely not good at thinking things through when it comes to sex.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

As many rounds as his partner can tolerate without dying on him. He can go all day if they can.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Nope! He doesn’t think it’s the right way to do these things. His darlings pleasure should only come from him. He could be persuaded though...

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

So much. My man is a whole sadist. He wants to watch his partner beg while he denies them over and over again. He will also ruin their orgasms after promising them release. He’s cruel but they love it.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Not that loud but he loves his partner to be Loud. Everyone for miles must know that his darling has been claimed. When he does moan he sounds primal, it’s more like growling than moaning.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

His ideal sexual situation involves rose petals and candlelight. He wants to take his darling to Paris and drink expensive wine before heading back to their hotel room as the sun sets and fucking them until they can’t stand.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

He’s long and thin, kinda curvy. I’m guessing six inches though he’d double that number if he was asked.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

I’ve already answered this but I can’t stress this enough ALL THE TIME! If you wanna be with Eddie you better be ready for 24/7 fucking

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He has trouble sleeping honestly so he watches his darling sleep, he likes to play with their hair and fantasise about their children.