#AND I GET A ZERO JUST BECAUSE YOU CANT COMPREHEND THAT THERE ARE TEACHERS OTHER THAN YOU IN THE WORLD

[sprinklethetangerine]

When I graduate my graduation cap will be specifically antagonizing MY FUCKING ENGLISH TEACHER

[gothic-gnosis]

okay, anyways, after my intro, lemme tell you guys abt school today

TW: drug use

so, i just talked abt myself a little in a previous post, hi, im marten lol. i go to cosmetology school, i'm 19 and im pretty much the youngest person in my class. i have an actual friend group for the first time in my life lol.

so. they smoke around me, i dont really smoke at all, i dont drink or do drugs because, with bpd and shit, my brain chemicals and judgement is already constantly impaired, id rather not impair myself further. so anyways this morning i took a massive hit from my friend's pen thing, and you know, i'm a big baby bitch, im fucking coughing, Dying actually, and another girl goes "wax just hits u in the chest, lemme get you coffee" LIKE THEY WERE BEING SO NICE TO ME LMFAO, so they took me to a bench, i sat down and i was listening to them talk about cars, and suddenly my brain felt like a fucking. clock with a dying battery.

i had to try SO hard to exist and fucking listen to what they were saying, and i was like, talking, but i felt like i wasn't really there, so i went "yo, it feels like im dreaming, like im not in control of myself but i am. like one of those nightmares where you can't run when you want to but im still in full control" and they went "woah bud, ur rlly high lol" so they bought me a coffee, and my ass was fucking Struggling to exist, in the fucking moment, i could feel everything touching my body.

it was the weirdest fucking sensation, feeling my clothes touching my skin, my hair against my neck, the weight of the chain on my neck, the weight of my phone in my uniform, my socks and my work shoes, and my tongue in my moutH FUCKING INTENSELY and i was thinking to myself "how dont people have panic attacks on this shit, i can feel EVERYTHING touching my skin rn" and i was listening to conversation but couldnt comprehend what was being said, or id respond in my head but not out loud.

so, lunch rolls around, and people sit with us, they comment that they had no clue i was high even though like 70% of my personality was gone and just in my head, so i was just floating by on auto pilot. and they decide "lets go to target", first of all bitch, yall are gonna take my high ass to TARGET? and my paranoia set in, i was like "yeah no, im gonna get kidnapped and i cant fight back because my body hates me" BUT MY AUTOPILOT ASS WENT ANYWAYS?? IT WASNT UNTIL I WAS IN A GIRLS CAR THAT I REALIZED "HEY THIS IS HAPPENING OH SHIT I SHOULDVE STAYED"

so, the reason we were going to target was because multiple instructors had quit working at the school, our instructor had to pick up the slack for the teacher who quit, he seemed hella overwhelmed, so we wanted to get him a card and a gift card for a date for him and his wife. well, you know me, ya boy marten, saw a fucking HELLO KITTY MOTHERS DAY CARD AND GOT EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO IT. so i refused to get any other card, i auto piloted to starbucks, got coffee but no matter how much coffee i drank, i still felt like i was dreaming and like nothing could fully wake me up.

so at this point, my boyfriend Judas and I are arguing because my high ass said some stupid shit, he has No idea im high as balls, so the entire time im paranoid, im worried my instructor who smokes weed on his BREAK will notice i'm high, i'm freaking out on the inside BUT NONE OF IT CAME THRU ACCORDING TO MY FRIENDS. except for when i went to the floor to just cruise thru and the girl who saw me cough up my lungs went "chile, you look so high" LIKE BRUH THAT DONT HELP. this shit was a sensation i can't fucking EXPLAIN. and i know somebody might read this and be like "this bitch weak wtf" like nah dude, i dont smoke, i live pretty much 100% clean outside of caffeine, the girl who let me have a hit has been smoking since 8th grade, shes now 28, so you can imagine that shit was strong as HELL LMFAO. i'm used to abusing speed and pain killers, its my drug of choice, i like feeling zoom, but weed is a whole fucking experience and it makes me appreciate being sober.

like i like feeling like i have control of a situation, cause bpd and shit, and the high made me feel like i had zero control of ANYTHING going on. speed made me feel like i had control of EVERYTHING. i see why my friends constantly talk abt being sleepy and shit cos tht shit made me fucking asleep while fully awake dude.

so anyways, that was my day today. typically everyday i'm in school irl goes wild, i hope anybody who read this far was entertained and totally doesn't think i'm a weak bitch LMFAO. ive smoked before i promise :((((

Monday, April 12, 2021 9:59 PM

side note, i took the hit at fucking 10 am, I didn't come down til 4 pm LMFAO bitch shit