#AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT AT 1AM WHEN I HAVE A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT AT 9??

[puppyeared]

THERE ARW PEOPLE PUTTING MY SHADOWPEACH YAOI ON TIKTOK?

[anxiety-and-motherhood]

The Worst Day of My Life

TRIGGER WARNING!

Miscarriage & Pregnancy loss

The week we were supposed to move back to Virginia I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic! We had been trying for so long to conceive our second child and it had finally happened. I shared the happy news with my husband and best friend Nicole, but I wanted to wait to tell out parents in person.

That weekend we finished packing, drove the eight (twelve with a toddler) hours to Virginia, and shoved almost everything we owned into a storage unit. We would be staying in my in-law’s spare bedroom until we were able to find a rental. We arrived in VA the middle of January 2020, and within the week my husband had found a job in a field he is passionate about.

My mom’s birthday is February 2nd so we all went out for dinner to celebrate her. When we got to the restaurant, I asked my mom to help take off my son’s coat and she revealed his “Big Brother” shirt. Later that evening when we got home, we staged the same reveal with my mother-in-law. We were extremely excited, though I was anxious because we were struggling to find a rental in our budget.

I began to experience some spotting and mild cramping. Because we had just moved and my husband had just started a new job, we did not have insurance yet. I jumped through so many hoops to find a doctor who would accept Medicaid once I was accepted. I finally found an office who would work with me, and I scheduled an ultrasound for February 6th.

My ultrasound appointment finally arrived, and my husband accompanied me in case we received negative news. We discovered I was about 7 weeks, and from what the doctor could see everything looked normal. There was a heartbeat, and no obvious issues that would cause the bleeding or cramps. He did caution me however, saying while things looked good now, they might not stay that way. I left feeling cautiously optimistic, clutching my ultrasound pictures that showed a healthy fetus.

A week or so passed, I was still bleeding and cramping, and I kept thinking something does not feel right. Everything felt so different from my first pregnancy. I had this feeling in my gut that something terrible was going to happen. My mom and I went shopping February 14th and she bought me some maternity items.

That evening my husband and I went to a paint and sip (beings it was Valentine’s day). We painted His & Her Star Wars canvases, yes, we are nerds, he had a beer and I had water. We picked up Samuel from my parents and went home to go to bed.

Around 1am I woke up to some of the worst cramps I have every had. I could tell I was bleeding, so I went to the bathroom to see if I needed a new liner. I need way more than a liner. I was bleeding so much; I knew immediately this was not good. I went back to bed trying to convince myself everything would be fine, but I could not sleep because of the cramps. I finally woke up Tyler in tears saying I didn’t know what to do.

Finally, we just decided to go to the ER because I was concerned about how much blood I was losing. We packed up Samuel and headed to the ER. Once we got there we waited to be seen for what felt like a lifetime. I was in so much pain, sitting in a puddle of blood, and I just wanted someone to tell me everything would be okay.

We got into an exam room where a nurse hooked up an IV and asked some basic questions. I told her I thought I was having a miscarriage and she asked why I thought that. I said because I was 8 weeks pregnant, bleeding enough to soak through a pad in 30 minutes or less and having cramps that felt like contractions.

Two hours later a doctor came in to see us. He immediately came off as clueless. He wanted to do a pelvic exam, and even though I didn’t want to I went ahead with it… I wish I had said no. I just wanted an ultrasound to confirm what I already knew but I was so tired and freaked out I didn’t know what to do. I was regretting going to the hospital at all, I should have just stayed home where I could at least be comfortable.

A few more hours went by, no one came in to check on us. An orderly came in and took me down to have an ultrasound after 7 hours of waiting. I couldn’t see the screen but I already knew. when the technician left the room to get an orderly to take me back Tyler told me there hadn’t been anything on the screen. It was empty.

Back in the room a doctor came to see us (this one seemed competent and empathetic) and confirmed I was having a miscarriage. He said it looked like I had already passed the fetus and sent us home. As soon as we got into the car I turned into Tyler’s arms and just sobbed.

I was devastated. We had hoped and tried for this baby for over a year and it was being torn away from me.

[wifeymomz]

OUR BIRTH STORY

Sunday 5/12 (mother’s day)

I woke up and went to the bathroom around 8am. I noticed there was blood in my urine with some clots and it was brighter red. I called wifey over and we thought it might be the mucus plug. We decided to call labor and delivery just to make sure we didn’t need to come in for further evaluation. After speaking with them, they said go ahead and come in. I was so nervous that something was wrong, but wifey is always reassuring. We go to labor and delivery and they hooked me up to the baby monitor and blood pressure cuff. The doctor performed an ultrasound and it looked like my water bag was still intact and baby looked good. After being monitored for an hour or so, they noticed that my blood pressure had increased a few times so they wanted to collect urine and blood. After another hour or so, my blood pressure had stabilized. Another doctor came in to speak with us about the results of the urine and blood tests which came back normal except they found protein in my urine which could mean I had preclampsia. The doctor offered us 2 choices: collect urine for 24 hours and f/u with my regular OB or they can do an early induction. We went with the first choice because it didn’t sound urgent enough that I needed to go into labor early and I didn’t want to be medically induced

Got home close to 1pm and our families were already at the house waiting for us to celebrate mother’s day. Sidenote: the weird thing is I had a weird dream the night before that we delivered on mother’s day.

Monday 5/13

Went to Kaiser to turn in my urine that I had been collecting for testing

Tuesday 5/14

Had a follow-up appointment with our OB. She reviewed that my blood pressure was okay, but the protein in my urine was elevated so I still wasn’t out of the clear for preclampsia. She suggested that I check my blood pressure daily and if it goes above 140/90 to call labor and delivery for a possible induction. She reviewed what that would look like and I had asked if there were options other than pitocin. She offered to strip my membranes (gently separate the amniotic sac from the wall of the uterus) which would be a natural way to induce me since she knew I really didn’t want to be medically induced. She warned me that it could be painful but I agreed and it definitely was uncomfortable. We were still scheduled for a follow up appointment the following monday if I didn’t go into labor yet and at that appointment we would schedule an induction if needed.

I went home so worried about a medical induction but also about possibly having preclampsia because it could be a serious condition if it gets worse. I just wanted to trust the baby that she would come out when she was ready.

Wednesday 5/15

1am-I woke up to a pain in my lower back that would come and go for the next few hours, so I thought they were contractions. They weren’t intense but definitely uncomfortable. I started googling whether or not I was actually having contractions after having my membranes stripped and it said yes…

4am- wifey and I took showers just in case we were going to go to the hospital soon

Unfortunately, wifey wasn’t feeling well so she rested/slept most of the day when she could. I just wanted her to get better before we went to the hospital

I tried going back to sleep but I just couldn’t, so I left wifey upstairs and went downstairs. For the rest of the day, I had contractions that killed my lower back and it was just so hard to get any rest since they were 8-10 minutes apart for hours. I sat on an exercise ball, walked around or bent over on the couch during my contractions. It was a sharp ass pain in my back and all I could do was breath through them. Eventually, wifey came down and we ate dinner, watched TV and tried to manage my contractions. Around 10pm, I called L&D since the contractions were now 5 minutes apart and more intense. They suggested to call again when my contractions were 3-4 minutes and to take a shower to help with the contractions which really did help!! The hot water felt so good on my back. It was a good time for us to get our bags and other items into the car. Around midnight, the contractions were 3-4 minutes apart so we called and they said to come on in. We got to L&D around 1am and were in triage.

Thursday 5/16

In triage, they checked my cervix and I was 4cm dilated. Thank goodness even though I wish I were further along since I had contractions for 24 hours already! I did have bloody show, but they were concerned since I was bleeding more than normal. They also asked what my birth plan was and I said unmedicated, which surprised them. A midwife came by and we were discussing my birth plan. Initially, we were supposed to be transferred to room 3 and then she said if I’m admitted within the next hour we could get room 7 which is what we wanted because it had the tub. It was so meant to be since unmedicated was our goal. One of the doctors came in to do an ultrasound and confirmed that the baby’s position was sunny side up which is why I was having so much back pain. Around 3:30-4am, they did a cervical check again and I was 5.5cm dilated and wanted to move forward with admitting me. We were transferred to room 7 and our nurse had suggested two different positions to try and change baby’s position: one was side lying with one of my legs up on a stirrup thing and the other was at the head of the bed in quadriped position with my knees as far apart. I tried both but eventually just wanted to do the sidelying position. When I had some contractions, the nurse applied counter pressure to my lower back which really helped and offered me hot packs. It was such a relief because I knew wifey wasn’t feeling well either and needed some rest. At 7am, they had the shift change and our nurse’s name was Kathy. gosh I thought it was a sign because one of my best friend’s bday  was today and maybe baby would be born. Around 10ish, they checked me and I was 9cm! we were like thank goodness 1 more centimeter and I could start pushing!

Wifey texted our fam to maybe head over just in case she would be born today. Her parents were already in the waiting room and my family started to get ready to head over. They checked again at 12noon and I was still 9cm. Every time they did a cervical check it brought on the worst contraction to where I would scream and cry. Our nurse gave me a TENS machine to use, which she said helps with back labors. It somewhat helped as a distraction from the actual pain. They offered me pitocin and I declined. I told wifey that I would accept it if I’m still at 9cm at the next check. Around 2ish, they checked again and I was still at 9cm so I accepted the pitocin. Now the contractions were closer together and more intense! They also offered me nitrous oxide and initially I said no. The doctor suggested to use the tub to see if the baby will change positions. The tub felt so nice and somewhat helped my contractions. After the tub, I asked for the nitrous gas which was helpful with helping me breathe through the contractions. the pitocin killed me because the contractions were closer together and more intense.  At some point, they broke my water bag to see if it would help me get closer to 10cm. It was such a weird sensation because it was just a warm gush of water coming out and it didn’t hurt.

I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in a long time and each time I tried and sat on the toilet I swear I was going to shit. The contractions were so strong! They did a bladder scan and luckily i wasn’t full yet. After several hours, they had offered me an epidural several times because they knew I was exhausted. Their intent was to get me some rest, but I really didn’t want it even though my contractions were painful and exhausting

8 or 9pm, they finally said I was 10cm and I started crying because I was so scared they wanted to give me an epidural or c section if I didn’t need it. My nurse then proceeded to straight cath me so it would help in my labor. Finally around 10:20, I was in active labor. We pushed in various positions. Initially on my back but that was painful because of my back contractions. Then we tried on my side but I didn’t like it either. Then we elevated the head of the bed and I was on my knees and forearms which I liked a lot.  We were there for a while and it was comfortable. The nurse that was with me was somewhat helpful and she tried to help me find comfortable positions. With my contractions, it felt like I was taking a shit and my bottom hurt so bad. Wifey tried to help me breathe through them but I knew my body wanted to get her out. At one point, I had spiked a fever so the OB came in and discussed that if I still have a fever in 30 minutes they will have to give me antibiotics and then that would mean the baby would have to go through a course of medications when she was born. We also discussed other options of helping get baby out such as the forceps and vacuum. After hearing that, my body went cray and wanted to push my baby out of me. It was contraction after contraction. My nurse went on break, so another nurse, Brie, came in clutch. She was an amazing and calm coach that guided me through the pushing. 

May 17 (Friday - Babygirl’s due date)

My OB confirmed that baby did change positions and I was so thankful. I was even more determined to push because they said they could see her head. At the very end, the OB said we’re almost there but you still need to keep pushing..I was so exhausted. At this point I had been up for almost 48 hours straight. I looked at wifey and said “i’m so tired, can we vacuum her out?” and she said of course do what’s best for you, I know you’re tired. Once we gave the yes, it went from 0 to 100 real quick. A whole team of people came into the room to prep and at the last 3 contractions, baby girl was being slowly vacuumed out. I started to see her head as I pushed out and then at 12:45am, 6lbs 7oz, 19 3/4 inches... there she was with a loud ass cry and of course we started crying from joy and just relief that she was finally here...

[lonnius]

Over the Hill (part the second)

So we left off with me on pain meds and an appointment with a urologist to take care of my 7mm kidney stone that the ER doc said I probably wouldn’t be able to pass. Now it’s Friday, and the urologist is saying that, indeed, I probably won’t pass this thing, so we have an appointment for Monday. I’d been taking the pain meds (alternating between 800mg Tylenol and Ibuprofen), but once they scheduled the surgery, the Ibuprofen was out (blood thinner), so now I was only able to take Tylenol for the pain ALL WEEKEND!

To make matters worse, while we were getting all the paperwork ready for the surgery, the doctor’s office called and changed it to Tuesday! Whew! Needless to say, that was a difficult weekend of pain. Sunday afternoon I was tempted a few times to go to the ER and have them perform the surgery. Same thing Monday evening, but by the I just decided to grit it out since my surgery was in the morning.

The surgery itself was uneventful. The experience was strange to me, however. It was odd being wheeled off on a gurney to some room where an army of health-workers are there FOR ME, but aren’t really talking to me. They put the oxygen mask on me and said it was only oxygen. I don’t remember hearing any kind of warning about when the anesthesia was coming, but the next thing I knew I was waking up in recover with R at my side, and everything was over.

The urologist did a lithotripsy and used a basket to remove the largest fragments, and he also installed a stent, which he told me I’d have for a while to enable urine to pass through the ureter, which would be swollen. More on the stent later.

I was prescribed Tylenol with Codeine (Tylenol #3)—an opiate, which has become quite controversial of late with lots of folks becoming addicted—along with something else I can’t remember right now, and sent home. That night before going to bed I took the pills as prescribed at 9pm, and I was supposed to take them every four hours. Here’s where things got weird again.

At about 12:30am, T (my son) came home with some friends, and his arrival startled me awake. I could tell that I had been lying in exactly the same position in which I’d fallen asleep (flat on my back) from how the bed felt and how sweaty my back was. The codeine really worked! I decided to roll over to check what time it was to see if I needed to take another, but I realized I was paralyzed! I felt very groggy, almost dreamlike, but I knew I was awake. I was shivering somewhat, but I didn’t feel cold. My breathing was normal, and my heart didn’t feel like it was racing, but I just couldn’t move my arms or legs! After a few moments of struggling to roll over, I decided to try and wake up R. My voice was a stuttering whisper (again, similar to someone in extreme cold whose teeth are chattering), and with great effort I was able to swing my arm from the elbow to bump her enough that she woke up, where I haltingly told her I couldn’t move. She jumped up, turned on the light, and I continued trying unsuccessfully to control my body. Oddly enough, in all of that I wasn’t panicked. On the inside, I felt calm. I was simply confused at being unable to move. R went downstairs to get T to figure out what to do. They debated whether or not to call 911, and T quickly replied, “yes”. R asked me if she should, and I was once again faced with that question about using emergency services on my own behalf.

Again, questions regarding cost and false emergencies flashed through my mind, so I sputtered out, “I…I…I…d…d…don’t…huh…n…know.” They called, and, fortunately, we live only a couple of blocks from the firehouse, so the paramedics arrived almost immediately. This was another very strange experience for me, as five firemen are ushered upstairs into my bedroom at 1 in the morning, and there I am lying on the bed unable to move. They didn’t know what to do, as they’d never experienced it before. R handed them the paperwork that came with the meds to see if there was any warning of these symptoms, but they couldn’t find anything. So now the next question: “Do you want us to take you to the ER?”

Why am I the one that has to answer this question? Here we have five medical professionals along with my wife and son, and yet they’re asking my opinion on my medical needs! I mean, really, I get it, but at the moment, I just wanted someone to make a decision for me! They checked my vitals, and everything was normal. I finally told them that I really needed to pee, and so they helped me sit up on the side of the bed. By now I was beginning to feel a little more normal: breath becoming regular, a little more control over my motor functions, and so they helped me stand and make my way to the bathroom. Once I finished up (which with the stent, took a little while), I came out of the bathroom feeling relatively normal. We signed the necessary refusal of service forms and returned to bed. I noticed that it was just after 1am, which was 4 hours after I’d taken the T#3, and so my theory is that being jarred awake before the meds wore off, along with some residual anesthesia in bloodstream, was probably the cause of all of this. However, I decided not to take those pills anymore, which meant I was back to only the pain meds I’d originally been given by the ER doc that first day of all this mess!

Stent talk and recovery next time…

[icecubelotr44]

The Darling Affair (18+/18+)

Summary:  Ex-military officer Killian Jones has never forgiven the Gold family for what they took from him. But when his path searching for justice (and maybe revenge) leads him straight to Emma Swan, a social worker who’s young charge has just been kidnapped by Malcolm Gold, he might just learn to let go of the past.

Rated:  T, for violence, kidnapping, some dark themes

Art credit/link: The totally awesome @shady-swan-jones took on the story and made some fabulous art for it.  You can see the art here.

Beta and cheerleader: @delightfully-difficult-pirate and @nothingimpossibleonlyimprobable, thanks so much for all of your help and cajoling and reassuring!

(tagging @lenfaz, @xhookswenchx, @bleebug, @kiwistreetswan, @swanspiraterum, @swanslovestruck, @killian-whump, @timeless-love-story, @katie-dub, @ss-captainswan, and @woofiefangirl so they see the FINAL chapter is up!)

Word count:  ~3,900 (90K Total in 18 chapters, plus an epilogue that I never intended to add - longer than Chamber of Secrets now)

From the beginning: AO3 / FFN (current chapter: ao3 / ffn) Tumblr: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve Thirteen Fourteen Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Eighteen

Epilogue

She shouldn’t be here.

They were home now, back in Boston, and things were supposed to go back to normal.  Emma had plenty of things to do in order to accomplish that.  She needed to settle back into her life.  She still needed to find a new place to stay, to deal with the insurance claim on her destroyed apartment - and thank David for getting the ball rolling on that - before the adjuster wrote her off as a lost cause, she needed to salvage what was left of her sparse belongings, and she needed to beg and plead for her boss to understand why she’d been gone for so long.  She needed to get back into a schedule that didn’t include running cell phone traces and cleaning weapons and chasing down evil men.

Instead, it was 2AM and Emma was pacing up and down the stairs to the Jones’ brownstone.

She shouldn’t be here.

She should go back to Mary Margaret’s, curl up on the bed in the spare room, and try to sleep.  But it had been three long nights of tossing and turning on the too-small, too-empty bed without more than an hour or so of exhausted stupor before her alarm clock went off and the chipper sounds of the house waking for the day dragged her towards the promise of coffee.  

So when the clock numbers trudged past 1AM and Emma was no closer to getting any real rest despite the Tylenol PM she had snatched from the medicine cabinet, she knew where she had to go.

Of course, that bravado lasted right up until her first trip up the stairs to Killian and Liam’s place.

It was 2AM.  What was she thinking?  Killian was still ill, Liam would be, both the brothers would be sleeping, she couldn’t just intrude.  ‘Oh hi, Liam, don’t mind me, I just need to sleep in your brother’s room because I’ve gotten used to falling asleep to the sound of his breathing.’  Sure, that would go over swimmingly.

“Emma?” her name echoed through the night.

Liam’s voice startled her badly and she almost tripped down the last few steps.  She only managed to save herself the indignity of falling by latching onto the railing and holding on for dear life.  Emma turned around with a blush creeping over her cheeks and a glare to divert attention from it.

The look on her face dared Liam to say anything.  It dared him to laugh at her or berate her or question her.

“Come on inside, lass.  It’s late.”  He didn’t wait for her jaw to drop, for her to decide to follow.  Liam just ambled back inside and left the door open.

Emma stared after him for a long few minutes, perplexed and hesitant.  She knew what she wanted, knew what she needed at the moment, but could she reach out and take it?

Liam was waiting for her just inside the door.

“I trust you remember where his room is?  He’s had his meds for the night and he should sleep until at least six.”  He left her at the foot of the stairs, disappearing behind the door to the office without a second glance.

Well, then.

They had come a long way from you’re going to get my brother killed, and Emma was still struggling to catch up.  But that was a journey for another day.  This night, she was already yawning and there were at least a few hours of sleep calling her name at the top of the stairs.

Killian was sprawled across the middle of the bed, propped up on at least four pillows.  The blankets were tangled around his legs and there was another pillow on the floor near the foot of the bed.  His head was tipped back against the headboard and soft snores escaped every once in awhile.

Emma was already starting to feel the drag of sleep.

There were so many reasons to curl up on the chair near Killian’s bed.  So many reasons not to crawl into bed with him and relax for the first time in days.

But there were so many more reasons to do just that.

Emma didn’t let herself ponder the why nots for long enough to talk herself out of shedding her jeans and shifting the blankets out from Killian’s legs.  Instead, she grabbed the fallen pillow and tucked herself into his side, letting her ear rest just over his heart.

The last thing she remembered before falling into the first deep sleep she’d gotten in weeks was the feeling of Killian’s arm coming to wrap around her shoulder and his soft, contented sigh breathed out against the crown of her head.

There was an arm across his chest and a weight on his shoulder.

Killian woke with a start.  Even before he could figure out what had pulled him from sleep, his brain was already calculating the distance to his weapon that Liam unhelpfully kept moving from under the pillows to the bedside drawer.

And then he smelled Emma’s shampoo, felt the soft fingers curled against his chest, heard her even cadence of breaths that signified a deep sleep.  She was here, safe and in his arms.  

It threw him for a moment - the sounds and smells were of his room, but Killian hadn’t seen Emma since they parted ways at the airport.  Since then, it had been doctor’s appointments and medications that left him foggy, regimented meal times (whether or not he was hungry didn’t seem to matter) and trying not to kill his brother.  In between bouts of nightmares and drug-induced slumber, Killian hadn’t had much time to so much as think about Emma, never mind try to make sure Liam was keeping tabs on her.

And now she was here.  She was here, -and comfortably asleep - if the soft snores were any indication.

A less intelligent man would have questioned it.  A less intelligent man would have woken her up to figure out where she’d come from.

Killian just tucked her head more firmly under his chin and fell back to sleep.

The coughs that wracked his frame woke them both up a few hours later.  Killian pitched forward, his hand coming automatically to his chest as he tangled his fingers with hers.  He was vaguely aware of Emma ducking under his arm to let him rest against her, but he was far more concerned with dragging in oxygen.  Tears blurred his vision as he continued coughing, but he could feel Emma’s hand rubbing up and down his back, her soothing words whispered in his ear.  It took a moment, but eventually he calmed and sagged back into her embrace.

It was barely light enough in the room to see, the dawn’s sun just peeking in through the blinds.  The fog of sleep began to recede, Emma’s arms tightening around him as they settled back against the pillows with his head cushioned on her chest.

Killian listened to the even rhythm of Emma’s heartbeat, closed his eyes in response to fingers carding through his hair.

“Hi,” she whispered tentatively.  She only offered the barest of explanations to her presence, just a simple, “I couldn’t sleep.”

Killian smiled wryly, remembering the soft snores he’d heard when he’d awoken earlier.  Apparently she could sleep just fine with him.  “Far be it from me to complain about a beautiful woman in my bed, love.  I didn’t expect you though.”

She nodded, her chin bouncing lightly off the crown of his head.  “Liam let me in.”

He hummed his approval at that.  It had been a long time since he’d had to sheepishly explain away a lass in his room as a teenager, but somehow he had a feeling that despite the age difference between then and now, it would have been no less mortifying.

It was easier, her thought, with Emma here.  It didn’t take long for Killian to realize that it was the lingering illness that had woken him and not another nightmare.  That it was a physical ailment that had torn him from sleep instead of Liam shaking him awake - sweat-soaked and tangled in the sheets.  She was warm, wrapped around him as she was, and it was comfortable in a way he hadn’t experienced in weeks.

Not since the last time they’d slept together, curled up as best they could around the gunshot wound in his side, in that hotel room.

It was a feeling Killian didn’t want to give up - not because of the brightening sun coming through the window that signified the day’s beginning, and certainly not in the days and weeks and months to come.

But Killian’s ability to hope for happy endings had died five years ago, terrified and alone, in the Somali desert.

With monumental effort, he managed to replace the image of John’s mangled body with the bright smile on the little brother’s face.  Michael was his saving grace at the moment.  The bright spot in everything he’d gone through in Gold’s basement.  It had taken Killian years, the most convoluted path he could have imagined, and a fateful run in with the blonde marvel now tangled up in his sheets, but he had finally kept his promise to John.

“How are Michael and Wendy doing?” he whispered, staring resolutely at how Emma’s legs were entwined with his own.  He hoped his voice didn’t sound half as strangled as he imagined.

Emma’s hand slid down his arm to grip his wrist just over the healing cuts Gold had left and Killian had to rely on all of his training not to pull his hand away.

“They’re doing well.  We found a temporary family for them both to stay with while Wendy works on getting full custody of Michael from the state, so at least they’re together while that happens.  Then there will be a probationary period once they’re on their own, but I think they’ll be just fine.”  Her voice was pitched low, the tenor calming.

Killian smiled, the idea that John’s family would be able to stay together - to learn to heal together - was a powerful image.  He felt something loosen in his chest that he hadn’t even realized had been knotted up for years.  That feeling of failure - of abandoning the boy who’d trusted him and breaking promise after promise to John - had been a part of Killian for five long years and he felt lighter just knowing that he could finally put it all to rest.

He didn’t realize that he was crying softly until Emma’s arms tightened around him, her face - creased with concern - looking down at him.

“Killian?” she whispered hesitantly, just the slightest hint of panic in her tone.  “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, clenching his teeth in a vain attempt to get the tears to stop.  He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening, not quite able to get a handle on his emotions.  Killian tried to keep his breathing even, tried to calm the storm that was brewing.

He was stronger than this.  He’d been trained to be stronger than this.

“Do you need Liam?  Your meds?”  Emma let go of him, trying to weasel her way out from behind him, the hint of panic growing as she tried to figure out what was wrong with him.

She couldn’t leave; he couldn’t do this without Emma.  He needed her.

Killian turned in her arms, snaking his own around her waist and holding on for dear life.  He buried his face in her neck and squeezed to keep her there, wrapped around him - his only buoyancy against the deluge.

“Stay,” he croaked.  “Please?”  

Killian was surprised at just how small his voice sounded, just how vulnerable he was.

Emma’s arms tightened around him and she nodded with her chin tucked against his head as she helped him ride out the storm.  With her there to keep him afloat, Killian shattered.  The years of grief he’d buried and the fear and worry he’d boxed away during his imprisonment finally overwhelming him.

Killian thought he heard a door open, thought he heard Emma’s voice murmuring to someone - Liam, his brain helpfully supplied - but he couldn’t handle anything more than his own breakdown at the moment, so he just turned more fully into her and knotted his fingers in her shirt.

The feel of Emma’s warm breath across his ear as she shushed him was a balm to the wounds that his memories were tearing open.  He didn’t question it, couldn’t question it, not when he was barely hanging on as it was.  Killian leaned on Emma’s strength and finally let things take their course.

It seemed to be hours later when the tears finally slowed and his breathing evened out from hitched gasps back to the shallow breaths he’d become accustomed to.  Whale would have a fit if he knew Killian wasn’t trying to breathe deeply, but he simply couldn’t manage that pain on top of the embarrassment and emotional upheaval.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his cheeks already growing warm as he realized Emma had borne witness to the entire thing.

Emma breathed out heavily through her nose, hugged him tighter, and kissed the top of his head.  “You don’t have anything to apologize for.  Are you all right?”

Was he all right?  Killian wasn’t entirely sure, and the noncommittal shrug he gave was the only answer he could come up with for her.

But what he was sure of was that Emma was the only one who knew John’s whole story.  The only one who knew Michael, who loved Michael like Killian loved his older brother.

She might be the only person who could understand.

“I know that I can’t really understand what you went through, and I know that it’s probably not my place.  But if you want to talk about what Gold did to you, I’m a pretty good listener.”  Emma’s fingers tightened further in his hair, her cheek squashed into the crown of his head as if she could squeeze the strength back into him.

“It’s not what you’re thinking.  At least, not totally, love.”  Part of Killian wanted to leap up from the bed and start pacing, wasn’t sure if he could have this conversation in the safe cocoon Emma had him wrapped in.  But more of him knew that this was the only way he could open up to her - without having to look her in the eye and see the sympathy he didn’t want.

Emma nodded.  “Like I said, you don’t have to-”

“-Michael is John’s little brother,” he spit out his confession as if it were a dirty secret.  As if she would be angry that he’d kept this from her for so long.  He hurried to rationalize, to make her understand something, anything.  He couldn’t allow her to be angry with him.  “I didn’t know.  Not when we were chasing Gold down and not when I let you go into that coffee shop alone.  I never knew John’s last name; it didn’t matter when he was just an orphan that I wanted to bring home.  It didn’t matter to me, and it didn’t… I didn’t know…”  He was rambling.  He needed to stop.

“Shh,” Emma soothed.  “I know you didn’t know.  It’s all right.”

It took her a moment to process.  Killian knew the moment it hit her.  He could hear the way her heart sped up and could feel her chest freeze mid-expansion, her breath caught in her throat.

“John… was a Darling.  You saved Michael.  You saved his little brother.  Oh, Killian, no wonder…” it was her turn to trail off, burying her face in his hair as her breath stuttered out.

“Gold knew,” Killian continued.  “The bastard must have known all along.  He waited until the most profitable moment to let me know, of course.  It’s why he came into the shop that day.  Why he dragged Michael and Wendy along and dangled them right under my nose.  I’d have… I’d have traded myself for them anyway, they’re innocent in all this.  But he just wanted to twist the knife a little more.  Wanted to make sure I’d be off my game.”

“Oh God,” Emma whispered, scooting down until they were wrapped in each other.  “I don’t know how you did it.  How you do it.  How you survived.  Killian, when we found you, I was so afraid.  I thought that… I didn’t think we’d find you.  But you did it.  You beat him.  And you’re here, and you’re going to be okay.”

“I had something Gold could never understand, love.”

He could hear the tears in her voice when she whispered, “What?”

Killian almost laughed.  He’d told her before, but he would tell her every day for the rest of their lives if she’d let him.  “Don’t you know, Emma?  It’s you.”

Emma smiled as she hung up the phone.  Wendy had just called to tell her that they were finally settled in the apartment Mary Margaret had found for them and contrary to Wendy’s daughter Jane’s angry sobbing in the background, it was a good fit for the little family.  Michael’s placement with his sister was still technically under probation, but Emma was confident it was a formality.  

She closed their file and looked up at the knock on the door.

“Miss Swan?”  One of the interns was waiting patiently for her attention.

Behind the young woman, looking oddly hopeful for being in her office, was a boy around Michael’s age.  He was the new case that had been assigned to her, but the look on his face didn’t match his situation.  “Come on in.”

The boy bounced into the room, clutching his backpack to his chest and grinning at her.  “Hi!  My name’s Henry.”

She placed him with Mary Margaret and David right away.  They would know just what to do with all of his exuberance and his file said that he’d been placed in homes with infants before.  She hoped it would be a perfect match.

It was on her way back to the office from their house when she noticed the text from Killian.

Save me, Swan.

Emma rolled her eyes.

It had only been a few weeks since his physician and the psychologist had cleared him for desk duty, but with the way Killian was acting about it, she was pretty sure he’d rather be locked in Gold’s basement.  Huffing out a laugh through her smile, Emma detoured from her route and headed for the Pret A Manger in Back Bay.  If she was going to distract him from the endless files Liam was keeping him busy with, she was going to do it on a full stomach.

By the time she got to JR Solutions and found a parking spot in the garage, the aroma from the lunch she had picked up was making her mouth water.  Emma was so distracted that she ran into a man waiting for the elevator.  He was impeccably dressed in a three-piece suit with an artfully tied ascot, his blond hair coiffed stylishly, and an odd look on his face.  His coffee sloshed over his hand and he cried out.

“I’m so sorry,” Emma practically yelled.  “I was in a hurry and I didn’t see you."

“I'm not angry,” he hissed.  “I'm just... disappointed.”

The man smiled coldly at her before walking back towards the cars, and Emma stared after him.  She had thought he was waiting to go up to one of the offices, why else would he be waiting at the elevators, but put it out of her mind.  Killian’s lunch and hers were getting colder the longer she stood there, transfixed, so she headed up to see him.

He was pouting.  

Killian was honest-to-God pouting at the pile of papers on his desk.

He looked utterly miserable.  His hair was in disarray as if he’d spent hours running his fingers through it, and the suit jacket and tie he was wearing were both askew from what had to be constant fiddling.  Emma tried to keep the smile from her face, but when he looked up with puppy dog eyes at her, she lost it.

“I’m glad you find my predicament so amusing, love.  Liam is trying to pay me back for worrying him, I’m sure of it.  The wanker has been across town in meetings.  All week.”  There was a distinct whine to Killian’s tone, and it made Emma laugh harder.

“Who’s torturing who, buddy?  If you’ve been this whiny all week, no wonder he’s taken off.”  Emma smirked when his pout turned into a look of total affront.

“I’ll have you know, Swan, that I am perfectly capable of going back into the field.  Just because Whale and Liam are…”

“Killian.”  Emma’s humor turned into exasperation.  They’d had this argument almost every day since he’d been released from the hospital.  She’d hoped it would get better once he was allowed back to the office, but it seemed she wasn’t that lucky.  “Your scans only just came back clear.  By rights, they could still be making you stay at home.”

“I know,” he acknowledged.  “But I’m ready.”

Emma sighed.  “We can keep arguing about this, but I won’t give you your treat if you do.”  She held up the bag and shook it.

Killian’s eyes lit up and his mouth clamped shut.

For a moment.

“What did you bring me?”  Emma swore he was drooling a little bit.

“Mac and cheese.  But if you don’t want it…” she trailed off.

“With spinach and tomato?  My love, you’re the best person I know.”  He dug out utensils and grinned as Emma placed the food in front of him.  She dug her own sandwich out of the bag and munched as Killian swooned over his meal.

“You know, I think you like that more than you like me.”  Emma grinned, raising one eyebrow in challenge.

Killian groaned, but didn’t dispute the fact as he shoveled more of the pasta into his mouth with a cheeky grin.  She rolled her eyes in response.

“Did Whale at least give you a timeline when you saw him yesterday?”  As much as the thought of him going back into the field made her nervous, she couldn’t take much more of him being stuck at a desk either.

“‘Ask me again in a week’, he said.  Like that isn’t exactly what he’s been saying for weeks now.”  Killian started to pout again.

Emma just shook her head.  He’d be back in the field soon enough, and until then, she’d take these little stolen moments.

When Killian spoke up again, their food was gone and the couch in his office was much more conducive to making him feel better.  “At least the time off did us one favor. I’m devilishly handsome again.”

Emma rolled her eyes, punching him in the shoulder, hard.

He adopted a hurt look, rubbing at his shoulder.  His voice was a low grumble, and it made her smile.  “You know, love, I quite fancy you from time to time.  When you aren’t punching me.”

She soothed her hand over where she’d punched him before leaning in to kiss him soundly.

“Good.”

[discoveringthebible]

Psalm 3

Have you ever had a season of your life where it seems that life just seems to be against you? A boss who has no compassion, someone whom you love has turned their back on you, or working so hard for others that there is nothing left at the end of the day? 

I’ve not only been in that place, but I am currently in that place. Some days you are exhausted as soon as your feet hit the floor. Some days you’d rather just stay in bed because it’s all so rough and you don’t have to think about the craziness of life when you are sleeping. (Unless you are like me, who has very vivid, horrific, realistic nightmares that not only do I wake up exhausted, I wake up angry, trying to convince myself that what happened in my dream didn’t really happen.) 

King David knows what it was like to live in seasons of life where everything and everybody is against you. 

King David is attributed with writing Psalm 3. King David wrote this Psalm when he had to flee from his son, Absalom. (It is a very interesting story, which can be found in 2 Samuel 14-19.) 

More than once someone wanted to kill King David. The first person was King Saul, whom David had succeeded as Israel’s second King. The second person was his own son, Absalom. I’m not a parent, but I cannot imagine the horror, the unimaginable confusion and chaos when you discover that your own child wants you dead. However, even in this, King David wanted Absalom to be spared of death himself, however, a couple of King David’s warriors took matters into their own hands and killed Absalom.  

This Psalm was written when King David fled Jerusalem. 

Psalm 3: New Living Translation

[A psalm of David, regarding the time David fled from his son Absalom.]

1: O Lord, I have so many enemies; so many are against me. 

2: So many are saying, “God will never rescue him!”

Interlude

3: But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. 

4: I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy mountain. 

5: I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me. 

6: I am not afraid of ten thousand enemies who surround me on every side. 

7: Arise, O Lord! Rescue me, my God! Slap all my enemies in the face! Shatter the teeth of the wicked! 

8: Victory comes from you, O Lord. May you bless your people. 

Interlude

Tehillim (Psalm) 3: Complete Jewish Bible

1: A psalm of David, when he fled from Avshalom his son:

2: Adonai, how many enemies I have! How countless are those attacking me;

3: how countless those who say of me, “There is no salvation for him in God.” (Selah)

4: But you, Adonai, are a shield for me; you are my glory, you lift my head high. 

5: With my voice I call out to Adonai, and he answers me from his holy hill. (Selah) 

6: I lie down and sleep, then wake up again, because Adonai sustains me. 

7: I am not afraid of the tens of thousands set against me on every side. 

8: Rise up, Adonai! Save me, my God! For you slap all my enemies in the face, you smash the teeth of the wicked. 

9: Victory comes from Adonai; may your blessing rest on your people. (Selah)

Most of us have never had a child want to kill us. Most of us have never known what it is like to run way for our lives. Most of us do not know what it’s like to run and hide in complete fear. In these moments when David was running for his life, his primary focus wasn’t on where to hide, or who could help, but focused on God. In the midst, when everything was going wrong, King David still focused on the Good God. 

Verses 1 and 2: King David is acknowledging a very real, very scary fact: that King David’s enemies are numerous and that they are all against him. He even tells God what they had told him! King David’s enemies believed that he was getting what he deserved from God (See 2 Samuel 14-19 for the whole story), but King David still put his hope and trust in God. Even when everyone was telling him that God won’t rescue him, King David still cried out to God for help. 

Verse 3: King David is proclaiming the Truth that he knows about God. God has been a protection and a shield for King David since he was young, and David hasn’t forgotten it! King David knows that God is the creator and sustainer of all things, and that God is the one who holds his head high and to not feel defeated even when everything in his life has turned upside down. 

Verse 4: King David knows that when he calls upon God, that God will answer. He knows that God is faithful. 

Verse 5: Even though King David was running for his life, he was able to lay down and sleep. Not just sleep in his bed, because he had to leave all the comforts of the royal court to sleep anywhere he could find a place. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I am scared, or I have a lot going on, I cannot sleep in my own bed, let alone sleeping on the ground, or in a cave, or some place out in nature. But the King knew that God was watching over him, and that gave him enough comfort to sleep. 

Verse 6: It takes a lot to say that anyone isn’t afraid of ten thousand enemies, surrounding them. Even though things look bleak, to say the least, King David knows that his God is bigger than anything anyone can do to him. I mean, wow. That takes an amazing amount of faith and trust, something that I am still working on myself. 

Verse 7: I have a very active imagination. When I read this verse, I think of a Monty Python type god who reaches his hand down and slaps all the enemies in their faces. But in all seriousness, King David could have asked God to smite all those who wanted him dead, but he didn’t do that. He pretty much just asked God to slow his enemies down. 

Verse 8: King David knows that God holds the victory and is triumphant over all. And David, the compassionate man, after God’s own heart, wants God to bless all of God’s people, even though most of them became his enemies as he ran for his life from his son, Absalom.  

What would this look like for us? What would it look like that every time we got into a rut in our lives that we looked above all the crap, and just focused on God and God’s ability to be able to resolve the problems that we face? Do you know what this would look like? 

Peace. 

Complete peace and hope. 

Being able to sleep at night when anything and everything is going wrong. 

Not getting irritable with every little thing or person. 

What if we started reverting back to God for what He has done, and just sit and rejoice in His presence? 

A few weeks ago, my church started a contemplative prayer service. We take centering prayers and just sit and be still in the presence of the Lord. Not asking God for anything, but just being close to our God. Like when you are just hanging out with a best friend, and you don’t have to say anything, but you are just sitting near them. This prayer service has been amazing for me. I have felt God’s presence so very closely, and I have had this amazing sense of peace and I haven’t been able to attribute to anything except for God. 

The last two and a half years have been absolutely crazy. It started back in November 2015, I got violently sick, thinking it was food poisoning, but it turned out I had gallstones. Numerous doctors appointments, urgent care visits and emergency room visits, I ended up having emergency gallbladder surgery on Christmas morning 2015 at 1am. I was so sick, had I waited 3 more days to have my scheduled surgery, I would have died. This procedure, which was supposed to be an outpatient surgery, because of the infection and spread of that infection, it was a two and a half day hospital stay, and antibiotics to get rid of the infection. I spent 2 weeks getting over the infection, plus 6 weeks of healing from the surgery. 

About a week and a half after I was healed, I threw out my back. I was born with a mild form of Spina Bifida, making my spine weak and more susceptible to blowing disks out of place. I spent three days in the hospital for that, relearning how to walk. I had lost 80% of the feeling and strength in my legs. I was in physical therapy three times a week for almost four months. But during this time, my job was threatening termination because I had missed so much work, even though I had all the proper documentation proving that I was in and out of the hospital, I had to find another job and quit before I was fired. But I was only able to find part-time work, instead of the full-time I had. After about three months of this, I couldn’t afford living where I was, and I moved back home, from Idaho to California, which was in July of 2016.

Moving across state lines is tough, especially with a cat and you are driving. I continued to work part time, helping my parents any way I could. Then in February 2017, we received a call that my other grandma, whom I lived with for 3 of the 6 years I lived in Idaho was dying and we needed to come and say our goodbyes. The following day after we arrived, she passed away. After that, family drama ensued. 

In March 2017, I became a caregiver for my last remaining grandparent, who has dementia. As I write this, I am sitting across the kitchen table from her as she goes through her mail. Watching her mental state decline is heart wrenching. I also became the Lead Prayer Minister at my church. And still helping mom and dad how I could, all while also taking online courses to finish my educational requirement for my pastor’s license, which wasn’t renewed. 

(There was an awesome thing that happened though, May 2017 is when my sister got married!) 

Then in November of 2017, a cousin of mine was murdered by her husband, who had also killed his step-father, in front of his mother and in front of his children. 

As 2018 rolled around, it was a celebration of “Yay! 2017 is over!” instead of “Yay, welcome 2018.″ Getting sick early in the year, continuing to care-give, complete an online class, continuing to lead the prayer ministry, etc., has all worn me out. 

All of that to say, no matter what the heck goes on in our lives, no matter how high, or how low things get, when we focus on the things, our emotions inhibit us to focus on the One who really matters and the One who can really change the situations. I was so irritable, so angry, so depressed, so exhausted with life I temporarily stopped focusing on God and focused on all the stuff. 

However, as King David knew, when we focus on God, rather than all the stuff that is going on in our lives, we can experience peace. We can still sleep well at night, we can still be content, happy and still want to bless others no matter what is going on because our focus is on God. The Creator and Sustainer of the Universe. 

I encourage all of you to focus on God, rather than all the stuff that happens in this very broken world. Just sit and be present with God. Because, it’s totally worth it. It helps get life back into perspective that no matter what happens, God has our back. God doesn’t leave us alone to rot in this world. Deuteronomy 31:6 (New Living Translation): So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” In the Complete Jewish Bible it says, “Be strong, be bold, don’t be afraid or frightened of them, for Adonai your God is going with you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” 

Be encouraged and know that God loves you and no matter where you are in life and no matter what you are dealing with in this life, He is right there beside you. Come to him and just sit with Him and know that God will never leave or abandon you. 

Peace and Blessings,

Cody Marie

[roomtoglow-blog]

02.02.18 - CD 11 #theothertww

So. A lot has been said about the dreaded tww, or “two week wait”, which is the particularly uncomfortable period that comes between the time of ovulation and determining whether or not conception has taken place. Websites. Books. YouTube videos. Instagram tags. Everyone hates the tww. It’s become glaringly obvious this month, however, that there is a different two week wait that isn’t commonly discussed: the wait between the end of my period until ovulation. So, I wait to start trying (only not, because we’re still having sex as much as possible regardless of the actual potential for fertility) then wait to find out my pregnancy status. It’s a lot of waiting, and as you may have ascertained from reading this blog, waiting is not my strong suit. When I wait, I tend to get anxious. I’m currently on day 11 of my cycle, so I’m nearing the end of TWW v. 1.0. In a “typical” 28 day cycle, women ovulate around day 14. My cycle is 31 days though, so according to my research (lol) I ovulate around cycle day 17. SEVENTEEN! That’s almost an entire week later than if I had a nice, average cycle. More waiting. That sucks. Thankfully, according to my calculated cycle, my “fertile” days actually start TOMORROW, and go from CD 12 - CD 17, so by tomorrow, I can at least feel productive about trying. My saliva monitoring with Ovatel is showing that I might be in transition since I’ve had a few lines—the apparent precursor to ferning—the last two days, but I’ve still had unclear or clearly negative results with my ovulation predictor tests. As far as “charting” goes, I’ve been monitoring my BBT and noticed a drop this morning, but I for sure could be doing it wrong and I still have virtually no idea how to actually interpret my chart. I guess that’s supposed to be something you figure out after three cycles or so, though, so I don’t feel terrible about being semi-clueless. In other news, I have a well-woman visit/pre-conception planning checkup this afternoon. I’m...nervous? Not because I specifically think that there’s anything wrong, but because doctors appointments have begun to make me anxious in general and I’m terrified of getting any kind of bad news. This is a pretty new development, though—I always used to be chill about going to doctor’s appointments—but considering my last experience, which was was at the ER at 1am two days before Christmas, did not have a desirable outcome, I’m currently feeling a bit apprehensive about anything medical. My checkup is at a birthing center that we visited back in December, which feels oddly comforting. I’m going to ask about my thyroid levels since basically every female in my family is hypothyroid and I know that that can interfere with pregnancy. I’m also going to ask about general ways to tune up and generally enhance my health in hopes of boosting my fertility. Logically, aside from the blood draw, I shouldn’t have anything to be worried about, but it’s me and I am. That’s it for now!

[ijnttio]

For the past year, I have been making alot more money, I have been doing my dream job, I should be happy about that hey?

Sometimes I am, sometimes I want to jump up and down for joy about how far i’ve come, and the exciting things to come.

Other times, i’m just like I am now, a log just laying here, can’t be bothered to put on clothes, can’t be bothered to make food, even though my stomach is growling, can’t be bothered to drink water even though my mouth is as dry as a desert. 

I think it must be depression, but I think of other people I know who have had depression, and it can debilitate them so they have never done much in their life because depression has been holding them back. It makes me feel like maybe I am just being whiney, and I don’t really have it at all, and that this is just a momentary lack of feeling. Then I think, well hey, i’ve been experiencing these feelings on and off for well over 10 years, that can’t be a coincidence can it? I’ve had friends who have had depression roll their eyes at me confiding in them that I feel like I may be going through some form of depression, as if they are the only people who could ever have it. I was trying to get advice and ask for help, and I get attitude. I have never brought it up with them again.

I think i’m going to try to go to a walk in clinic tomorrow and finally, for the first time ever seek professional help, i’m not sure if this is the way to go, but I honestly have no idea what to do, google only helps so much. For some reason writing in this blog is lifting a bit of the heaviness thats been pushing on my chest for the past couple weeks, so maybe I should just continue this? Will I go through with the doctor appointment? I don’t know, i’ve been trying to summon up the courage to do it for nearly a year now, and I have yet to actually see it through.

I’ve never been actually suicidal, I feel like one of the main things that has prevented me from even trying has been “what if I survive, and my family just makes fun of me for having attempted? My cousin once wrote a suicide letter years and years ago but didn’t go through with it and my sister laughed behind her back calling her a crazy bitch, she’d probably have worse things to say about me” Honestly though, I really don’t think i’d even try, I don’t want to die, I just want to feel like the old me again. Sure, I used to self harm when I was a teenager, but that wasn’t actual attempts on my life, I found that it gave me physical pain to make the pain inside seem less? if that makes sense? When my mum discovered I had little cuts on my wrist she freaked out and basically called me an idiot and made no attempt to actually find out why, and try to remedy anything, it just blew over and was never talked about again. That made me feel even worse about myself, but by then I had discovered street drugs and was self medicating while trying to be a fun person, I managed to be somewhat popular at that time, though the friendships were meaningless because we were all party friends. I found my best friend around that time, him and I were almost inseperable (as much as we could be with him living one town over) and we were thick as thieves until I moved to another province, then he moved to the same province, just another city, then I moved to that city to go to college, and we tried to make that friendship spark again, but it never took momentum, because we were party best friends, not real ones. It makes me so sad to know my best friend of 7 years wasn’t real. He never cared about my problems when I tried talking to him about them, but if we didn’t talk about his problems I was the worst person ever. I knew our friendship was over when I decided to do my birthday celebration on my actual birthday, just a dinner since I had to go to class the next morning, he refused to come because “you aren’t like going out out, i’ll just stay home” That hurt, but not as much as it hurt to see pictures of him on Facebook from that night out partying only a few blocks away from where my birthday dinner was. That was the end of that friendship.

That brings me to another old friendship that went awry. Because of me, because I was selfish, and because I was a shitty teenager that wanted to be cool and have new cool friends. I really regret this because she was such a great person, and was always great to talk to, and I feel like if our friendship lasted to adulthood, she would probably be helping me through my issues right now. We were hanging out almost every day, I would usually go to her house because I didn’t like being at home because my parents were drunks at the time (mostly sober now though) and my sisters treated me like absolute garbage, I honestly think my one sister is the biggest reason for alot of my mental health issues, and why I get such anxiety when it comes to social situtations, and believeing nobody cares about me, but that is for another time. Anyways my friend and I did everything together, all the stupid teenage stuff like trying our first cigarette, stealing a sip of her dads beer, going out to movies and just generally being teenagers at the mall (so typical, I know). We went to different schools, but that didn’t stop us from always finding each other. Eventually I met another bestie, someone who would turn out to be probably the biggest mistake of my life (I was like 13 at the time, and I am now 25 and I still consider her to be my worst mistake of life) and she got me into all sorts of trouble, she got me into doing ecstasy, cocaine, acid, mushrooms, who knows what else was mixed in with all that shit, I wouldn’t be surprised if I inadvertently did meth. Anyways I thought my old friend would give me shit and not want me to be doing all these things, so I simply stopped talking to her, I never gave her a reason, I never gave an explanation, I just fucking dissapeared. It was an awful thing to do, and I still regret it everyday, I ruined of the best friendships I had for a girl who ended up getting me suspended from school, getting me into drugs, getting me into trouble with the cops, sneaking out of my friends basement at 4 am when we were 14 years old to go get drugs. Obviously yeah I could have said no to all of these things, I didn’t have to go with her, but I was just so excited to get included in with a “cool kid” that I basically said fuck it, and fell down the rabbithole of self destruction, I think this was the beginning of my depression, and I know it’s the reason I have a hard time remembering things, and I have a hard time thinking about stuff, i’m more than certain I have a bunch of little holes in my brain from all the drugs we did. Luckily for teenage me, my parents were usually too drunk to even realize anything was going on, I narrowly missed getting caught only a couple of times, but I really wish I hadn;t gotten away with it so much, I wish I had been caught, I didn’t like who I was becoming, I could feel myself being a stuck up bitch who thought she was cooler than everyone else, I stood by and did nothing but laugh when she made fun of my old friends, I let her make fun of me and treat me like shit, I let her run all over me and spend what little money I got at that age. I moved to a different province, and she did too and even though she was an hour drive from me, we still managed to get into trouble over there. I can’t remember exactly what ended our friendship, but I think it had to do with me finally standing up for myself and saying no. you can’t treat me like this, you can’t talk to people that way, you need to stop being so arrogant and self centered, you need to get your shit together, i’m trying to save up to go to college and you keep dragging me into this shit again. Then there was some sort of fight about her being a loser for dropping out, me being a bitch because I was calling her out, me being a piece of shit for petty much anything I did. It was awful, and even worse, she spread bad rumors about me through that whole city she lived in, that it even affected me years later, when I started dating a guy from that city. These are the 3 friendships that make me refuse to have a best friend again, not that I can even handle being social enough to have  best friend. I think I only really talk to two people, and i’m fairly certain they hate me right now anyways. One I called her out for being self centered because we made plans to go to a certain event and shes like ok lets stop at this place for cheap drinks first, then we get there and it’s for someones fucking birthday which she did not tell me, and she clearly planned on just going to the birthday so why make plans with me to go to the other event? I was waiting all night for her to be ready to go to the event we were supposed to go to hours ago, around 1130 im finally like ok, I want to go the the thing i’m going, if you want to stay here that’s cool, you do you. I wasn’t upset I just wanted to go to the thing I went out for, and she started freaking out being like oh my god why are you making such a big deal I wanted to hang out with you tonight so that’s what we are doing, and I was lik e ok but you didn’t even tell me we were coming for someones birthday, you haven’t even said more than 5 words to me since we got here, it’s cool you can hang out here i’ll just go to thing alone, really don’t worry about it, then she huffs and puffs and makes a huge deal about how now she has to go to the event and leave the birthday party, and we finally get there at like 1am, which is barely enough time to get any dance in, and then she fucking starts passing out, and so I get her water make sure shes ok and coherent and I start taking her outisde to get her a cab, and she refuses to let me come with her, and I hate leaving a drunk friend in a cab, but she wouldn’t let me in so I made sure she gave the driver the proper address and went back inside. I haven’t heard a word from her since...I have no idea if she even remembers the night, but I keep feeling like she’s stewing hate for me. But it’s fine, honestly our friendship is so shitty anyways, I usually don’t like to hang out with her because I know she is very self centered, I don’t think she even realizes she is though, it’s the way she was raised, she can’t help it, she doesn’t know what it’s like to have people tell her no. Everything always has to go with what is easier for her, I suggested we go to a restaurant, she’s like great but let’s go to this location (the one closer to her house so her dad can drive her because the other location is too far). I suggest we go to a movie, and can we carpool since I am kind of on my way to the theatre for you? (I am only 10 blocks out of the way) and she refuses because it’s too far, a guy she was seeing offered to drive me home from the bar and she keeps telling him no I don’t need it, he decides to do it anyway because she is nice like that, she tries to convince him to drop me off at 49th which is about 8 blocks from my house because it’s easier for them to drive to her house from 49th instead of 57th, he basically says fuck that i’ll drive her all the way home I can’t believe you’d suggest that (thanks dude!), I ask her if she wants to come stay over at my place for a movie night, she says oh you should just come to my house instead..it’s shit like this that I just cannot stand, how can a person not realize how selfish they are? This is probably another reason I have issues talking to people.