#AND IF I DECIDE TO JUST DEAL WITH THE STOMACH PROBLEMS ILL BECOME LACTOSE INTOLERANT.??????

[arrowheadedbitch]

Celiac is the disease where God hates you

[flockofdoves]

literally so grateful i just found this???? this has been a huge wall in front of me these past few days since realizing how much disordered eating over the past few months has affected me, having to start entirely reevaluating how i’ve been approaching my relationship with food in the name of not neglecting my chronic illness stuff and how that exact same attitude of trying to make myself better actually just made me fuck up my digestive tract by avoiding certain foods (and food in general bc theres so much its so overwhelming and also now i’m too nauseous and weak to have an appetite!) and by extension make my chronic illness worse. and then now reading about refeeding i was worried because so much refeeding stuff seems to recommend a lot of dairy products and i even before these last few months dairy hasn’t been good for me for over a year (although not just lactose i was thinking it was casein too but also like . lol idk maybe its just another one of the phenomena thats talked about here) and wasn’t sure how to balance that when avoidance of foods i see as triggers for health got me here in the first place and at this point literally anything is gonna be too much for my gut and i gotta tough through that

uhhhh turned into a rant/vent about things unrelated to the article under this

kinda distressing though tbh to think about what IBS even like . Means . lol like it does make sense to see it more as a small part of the bigger picture of all my stuff and how my nerves and shit or w/e are wired as someone labeled in contemporary times as/with autistic/adhd/ocd/schizo/anxiety/fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue and its comforting to see it more as a symptom of how i can easily get out of wack from there instead of just. eternally always bad (although i was getting okay with that too like i value parts of myself enough i could deal with that being reality without too much mourning beyond how i have no accommodation under capitalism. but still this is better than that even) but its weird finding ways of saying i don’t have to lean into it too much that don’t kinda just trigger me thinking about doctors/peers/etc whove more just saw me as a burden and didn’t care to listen to me before dismissing things as all in my head thus i was exaggerating and not deserving of compassion/care/etc. i know i don’t mean that towards myself but the nuance is a lot to deal with after so recently having that used to hurt me all over again and then in trying to take care of myself actually hurting myself worse. so that adds a weird layer to things i hope i won’t get a complex about lolol but also i guess thats cool i don’t have to beat myself up for not sticking to a fodmap free diet or deciding it wasn’t worth trying to see if i had a gluten intolerance because the food i’d be avoiding would make me more upset than any pain i deal with. like ... whoa.. i wasn’t actually being unreasonable or ridiculous when i thought that or being self destructive?? and i started considering otherwise when i now realize i was already dealing with ED symptom stuff so like . i can tolerate most foods i think at least some of the time??

really curious if i can regain my lactose tolerance considering i only starting being intolerant in the past year so it wasn’t a primary lactose intolerance thing maybe?? and i had some on and off symptoms of my current behaviors that lead to this that whole time so that’d be really cool actually lol i miss just being able to enjoy dairy products (and in retrospect my aversion to even tasting them even with lactaid pills or somethign definitely was liek...... disordered eating stuff lol) 

also curious if my ED stuff had anything to do with my tremors or brain fog getting worse. i defintiely think at least somewhat like yeah. the timeframe makes sense. idk if thats the primary reason for those symptoms because i’ve had them at various points in my life in that combination but the recent upsurge in them and also the fact that most of those days were right after really bad nausea days and also how today i realized i was tremoring a lot in ways i directly associated with feeling weak because of trying to deal with ED related stuff i think that definitely will at least become less constant of a problem in getting over this. those are all symptoms i exhibit in various contexts with various physical and emotional pressures so i don’t think thats their only cause but i think that really does make me so much less worried about why the hell i’ve gotten so much worse so suddenly

scared about how long this will take i feel like i’ve only really had my eating become consistently disordered over the past couple months but idk i’ve had weird episodes for ages and if i really didn’t recognize this was even a problem til right this week idk if i’m thinking back accurately enough. its definitely worse in that period though bc my doctor 2 months ago (also wait... i guess that means its been even longer lol?? no way i lost that all in the couple weeks i really can look back and see my behavior as disordered before that appointment) remarked i lost like 15 pounds since my last visit 3 months ago (they also remarked like that was a good thing lol.) so i guess i’ll keep figuring that out its wild though reading that apparently just getting your stomach back to normal can take at least 2 months like it makes sense but like . jeez. hard to process that i did that and didn’t realize i’d like to think i’ve become so much more in tune with my body these past few years but i guess i’m not doing it the right way even if i’m glad i no longer just stay quiet and tough things out while suffering and dismissing it with no idea whats going on or why and feeling too ashamed and guilty to make it anyone elses problem and not pushing back when others dismiss the slightest thing i bring up. but yeah like i did a lot more than i thought i did with this but also i’m glad i caught it so early i feel almost too weird about saying i have an eating disorder like its like i acknowledged that this week and now i’m trying to recover so. thats good. idk i’ll see i’m sure i have a lot to learn and that kinda sucks i had enough to deal with already without this as a factor but!!!!