#AND regardless of all of that that doesn’t make the ignoring of fandom etiquette okay

[typewriterghcst]

Title: Comme Il Faut

Rating: Gish, but there is a. uh. Suggestive Joke right before the cut

Fandom: The Cat Returns

Characters: a younger Cat King and Natori

Summary: He missed out on a lot of cardinal priming for his eventual position. Now unofficially under his advisor’s discreet tutelage, the new Cat King can’t quite say he’s sorry to have never been forced to learn the finicky etiquette surrounding a proper meal… but a bowl of homemade soup for his trouble isn’t that bad a motivator.

Notes: For the prompt ‘Over a cup of tea’ from this meme, which I again chose on my own bc I mean. I might as well right……. anyway, hopefully this won’t spiral out of control like the dancing one did rip Also despite the prompt being ‘over a cup of tea’, on a whim I changed this to ‘over a bowl of noodles’ because the Mr. Ping muse is evidently still hanging around even all these years later Filled with headcanons and some references to a much longer fic in progress detailing this particular part of their relationship coughs

                                                             &&&

“Your paw is in your lap again.”

The look this pointed but nonchalant observation earns him is affronted, exasperated, as the younger cat sets his unoccupied paw back on to the flimsy table before them.

“I don’t know why all this baloney matters, Natty. Is anyone really gonna give a crap if both paws aren’t on the table at all times..?”

“Well, they may come to the unfortunate conclusion that you’re feeling perhaps a bit feisty, but I suppose if that doesn’t bother you, then…”

Natori doesn’t have to look up from his work to know the new king most likely wears an indignant, scandalized look; he hears him shift in his seat anyway, leaning back, crossing his arms grumpily. When he speaks, it’s with a very characteristic sullen mumble.

“Don’t be crude.”

It’s here that Natori finally turns his attention from the portable stovetop to his companion, and it’s with a contrite smile, at least, which seems to appease Claudius somewhat.

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I shall behave.”

Claudius scoffs. “All you do is behave. Someday, I’m going to order you to live a little, and you’re gonna just keel over because I finally found the one thing you can’t do.”

“There’s worse ways to die, I suppose.”

“Not many.”

Then, silence, as Natori doesn’t respond in favor of adjusting the flame and fanning his (for once uncovered) paw over the foaming pot. Just a few moments of this is all it seems to take for Claudius’ minuscule store of patience to run dry. He flops onto the table before him with a dramatic groan, muffled only slightly by the surface his face is now smushed against.

“This is so boring—! If I’d had to do this as a kid, I woulda kicked my tutor in the shin.”

Upon the deadpan knowing look he gets from Natori, the king amends himself, “...Okay, I would have kicked more tutors in the shins. Whatever, isn’t there something you can do to make this less excruciating?!”

“Isn’t that what the soup is for?” Natori asks mildly.

“Oh, yeah. How’s that coming, anyway? Smells pretty good.” 

“It won’t be long.”

In the silence that follows, Natori waits for another plaintive outburst from Claudius, but to his surprise, it never comes. Claudius instead seems to find absorption in his own thoughts, and it’s not long at all before he makes them known.

“Where’d you learn this stuff, anyway?”

“The cooking or the boring etiquette?”

“The cooking, duh.”

Natori hesitates, stirring the noodles briefly; he unintentionally gives the impression that he’s reluctant to reveal the truth, which only intrigues Claudius more. “...My grandmother taught me.”

"Did she teach you how to sew, too?"

"Yes," Natori answers patiently. In the fleeting time Claudius hasn't been paying attention, his advisor has already filled two bowls with noodles and is now ladling relatively clear, tawny broth over the top of them. Distantly, he feels his stomach growl in anticipation.

"Would you like some doubanjiang?"

"Some wha..?"

Wordlessly, Natori hands the jar to Claudius, who wastes no time at all in scrutinizing the paste or giving it a cautionary sniff.

“This stuff spicy?”

“It is spicy.”

Claudius hands it back. “I’ll take a rain check on it, then.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Gimme some extra beef, though.”

Natori complies, but once more without a word, and the reserve irks Claudius just slightly. He knows he isn’t, but it feels somewhat like he’s being ignored. He clicks his chopsticks together, and whether it’s out of impatience or peevishness, Natori’s chiding response is the same regardless— a mild, “Misusing one’s eating utensils is generally not recognized as acceptable behavior, sire,” as he places one of the bowls before the king.

Claudius grins at his advisor as if he’s come out the victor of some covert competition, but Natori can not for the life of him puzzle out what that competition might be. He might even wager the king himself doesn’t really know.

Then, seeing Claudius preparing to pick up his bowl and most likely gulp it down, he hastily adds, “A proper meal is one that’s savored.”

Claudius pauses mid-lift and shortly after deflates in frustration, plopping his bowl back down again. “Yeah, yeah, alright. We’ll do it the respectable way.”

Spoken while stabbing at a piece of beef with one of his chopsticks querulously. Natori resists the urge to put his head in one of his paws, making the mental note to address that another time. 

“...you know, when I’ve been king long enough, I’m getting rid of all this stuffy rubbish.”

“The elders will decry the new regime as vulgar extravagance,” Natori remarks with a tickled laugh.

“They’ll get used to it.” Then, after finally taking a bite of his soup now that his momentary petulance has worn off, “Hey— your soup is actually good.”

“You sound surprised— not necessarily the most polite of ways to issue a compliment, I might add.”

“That’s not how I meant it,” Claudius grumbles. “I just… I mean…”

What he meant is consigned to remain a mystery, as he never does pick his trailing thought back up, descending instead into apparent morose rumination. Natori doesn’t rush him, unsure himself over what to say.

It had been not two weeks ago the two could hardly stand to be in the same room together without taking veiled potshots at each other, if not outright quarreling, at least when not accompanied by King Aelius or other companions. Reaching an understanding and two very genuine apologies did not make for an instant camaraderie on their own.

“...Thank you,” Natori does eventually settle on, his eyes still averted. “I-It’s not anything special, but I suppose it does remind me of home.”

Claudius looks up from his soup, and the stormy brow he’d been sporting softens some. He, too, then averts his gaze.

“Sounds nice.”

“I’m sorry,” Natori says, and though it feels like the proper response, he can’t explicitly trace what reasoning has led him to it.

Meanwhile, Claudius only shrugs, popping the last piece of cubed beef from his bowl into his mouth and propping his head against one of his paws (the other is, once more, folded in his lap below the table). “It is what it is.”

Continuing on, in a way Natori would have previously read as defiant or vindictive, he offhandedly stabs his chopsticks into the few remaining noodles and leaves them there, and the look he spies on Natori’s face when he turns his attention to his advisor tells him he’s probably committed a number of faux pas. 

With a sardonic snort, he says, “Guess I got a long way to go, huh?”

Natori, while rather gently and methodically removing the chopsticks and laying them beside the king’s bowl, offers a more optimistic (if shy) angle. “You’ll get there.”

“With this soup, I will.”

Ah. One truth revealed, it seems. Natori meets Claudius’ wide smirk with a faintly playful look of his own, head canted just slightly in knowing amusement, and the tacit agreement seems to be all the king needs to add yet another inscrutable victory to his ongoing arcane list. Motivation and indulgence are often inexorably wed, after all.

[robobiitch-archive]

Mobile Rules;;

Mun Info

name: Moe Loogham

age: 21

birthday: September 25th

pronouns: She/Her

faceclaim: Deadpool, Death from AMOLAD, Rose Quartz from Steven Universe, Loki from MCU

rp experience: 8+ Years

discord: Available to Mutuals on Request!

HELLO!

I'm Moe! It's great to meet you. After taking a very long break from the tumblr rpc, I've decided to dive back in, because why the hell not. I'm a freshly graduated college kid who's trying to find her place in this world lmao.

I'm from New York, I have two beautiful guinea pigs named Sage and Rosemary and I'm a witch, that's just about everything you gotta know. In terms of RPing, I've had several muses over the years, from a few different fandoms, and Connor's brand new but I've had a lot of fun experimenting with him among friends and I wanna let him run free out here in the dumpster fire that is tumblr dot com. College has been a big part of why I drifted away from tumblr RPC, just because of time constraint, but I'm excited to be back!

My Rules have been broken up into sections. I will try to keep each section as brief as possible while still informing you of everything you need to know about how I like to run things.

Blog Etiquette + Following

This blog is PRIVATE, SELECTIVE, and MUTUAL'S ONLY and 18+.

I do not follow for a follow, and I do not follow back unless I am interested in threadding with you. If I follow your blog, it means I have read your rules and bio at the very least! I do not send in passwords, but if you have a post that you would like to direct followers to when they've read your rules, I will like it.

If we are not mutuals, you are still free to interact through asks and ask memes. i reserve the right to delete/ignore asks from mutuals and non-mutuals alike! this is mostly out of precaution, and would only be done in cases that violate privacy or cause discomfort.

I will only thread with other Roleplay/Ask blogs. Sideblogs are fine, but if your main blog is a personal, please let me know and tell me your sideblog url! If you RP off of your personal, I will not follow/thread with you. This is mainly to keep my dash organized. That being said, I will not unfollow someone just because they post OOC a lot. I know I have a tendency to do the same sometimes.

But I am not okay with personals reblogging my threads. Feel free to like them, but reblogging anything that isn't a drabble or anything with my "do not reblog" tag, it will result in a soft block. Repeated offenses will result in your blog being blocked. Reblogs make it difficult to keep track of post history.

Once again, in case it wasn't clear: I do not rp with muses via personal blogs. Things can get hectic very quickly with keeping track of threads. If you have a muse, please create a side-blog for them at the very least.

Just as a general note, I am a relatively busy person and so sometimes I will have periods of low activity. I try to be active at the VERY LEAST once a week, and sometimes I'll be able to crank out like 10 replies in one day. But real life always comes first, for me AND any of my rp partners. RPing is a hobby for me, and I don't let it stress me out. Of course, if it's been a week or two since I've replied, there's a very good chance that I've just forgotten to respond. If that happens, do not be afraid to poke me about it.

If I ever want to drop a thread, I'll let you know, and I'll very much appreciate if you do the same, but it's absolutely not required. I don't mind at all, if anything I'll usually ASK if you want to drop it and if you do, that's completely fine. The other option I have for threading is ARCHIVING, for when we have a thread that we want to put down for now, but maybe pick up again later. If you'd rather Archive a thread instead of drop it, just tell me. :)

Also!

All Icons on this blog are made/screenshotted by me or RK800ISALIVE, and my post banners were made by DENICDLIFE Please do not take them or use them!!

Shipping + Exclusivity

this entire section is very important. please read it carefully, and feel free to ask me if you don't understand something.

This isn't my first rodeo. I love shipping. I am perfectly open to shipping. HOWEVER, that is not the sole purpose of this blog. Regardless of canon, fanon, personal preference or otherwise, unless we have spoken previously about it, Connor will not be automatically shipped with your muse. This blog is OCxCanon friendly, and canon ships are fine too. But for ANY case, I ship chemistry If your muse doesn't click with mine, that's totally fine. But please don't try to force a ship on me, and do not follow me if shipping is the only thing you're looking for out of our threads.

On that note: Original Characters. They're great, I love hearing about them and seeing their depth and complexity. But if your OC has little to no history, or if their sole purpose is to flirt with Connor, please do not ask to interact. I've had too many experiences in the past with OCs whose existence is based around wanting to bang my muse and it really grates on me. It's nothing personal, I know writing only gets better with practice, but if you come to me asking to be a detective who works with Connor and that's all the information you have, I really ask that you go find another Connor to interact with.

I will only ship with your muse after discussing it out of character. IC flirting is the only exception to this, but do not get angry if Connor does not respond the way you want him to.

I don't want to have to put that there, but it's happened to me too many times before and it's an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved. Please don't do it.

This blog is NOT Exclusive, but I do practice Maining with other muses. What that means is if we have previously discussed it, and have had enough interaction, my muse will refer to yours in conversation or in terms of relationship depending on circumstance. Once I have created mains, they will be posted in the Navigation tab. Occasionally I may post a mains call, which invites anyone interested to discuss becoming a main with Connor.

TRIGGERS + NSFW

I am 20+ years old, and NSFW can and will happen on this blog, however I will always keep anything that contains NSFW under a "read more" cut for the sake of any followers who are not comfortable with seeing NSFW content.

I am comfortable with most NSFW topics. I absolutely WILL NOT write about pedophilia or incest, and definitely WILL NOT rp sexual situations with minors or people who I have not shared consent with. This is for my safety as well as those who I interact with. I'm trying to get into grad school, not jail.

I will try to tag triggers accordingly as they appear. Triggering content that MAY appear on this blog include:

Abuse

Child/Character Death

Disease

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Alcohol

Execution/Murder

Gore

Nudity

Self-Harm

Suicide/Mental Health Issues

Verbal/Physical Violence

Torture

Important: mun and muse are mutually exclusive. I am not Connor. Connor is not me. Actions performed in threads do not reflect me or my personal beliefs, unless otherwise explicitly stated by me.

If you've made it this far, I would really appreciate if you could like this post to let me know you've read and understand all my rules. If you are not comfortable doing so, that's fine! It's really just to help me know people cared enough to go through the whole list. :) It's not at all an obligation, but it would be really awesome.

Despite the fact I am comfortable with NSFW, I prefer to be comfortable with the other mun as a person before agreeing to write these topics with you. I am not obligated to write NSFW with anyone.

[yukipri]

I never experienced art theft until one of my works became unexpectedly popular- since then, I've found my work reposted, redrawn, and used as reference for cosplays. It's been exhausting, both seeing it, and not knowing WHERE I should stand on the issue. I've let redraws slide (with credit), but I plan on not allowing future ones from occurring. How do you deal with art theft? How do you continue drawing without thinking about the disrespect thrown at you during bad/failed confrontations?

I am so, so incredibly sorry this happened to you, and empathize very strongly with you. Art theft SUCKS, few things can be quite as demotivating as a creator than having something you’ve worked your ass off on swiped by someone else. And unfortunately, given the current internet culture, if you continue as an online artist it’s inevitable that it’ll happen at one point or another.

Because sure, of course part of the reason why we create is because we want to, but a large part of the motivation for sharing it is to hopefully get some response that people like it, whether it be in the form of likes, reblogs, comments, asks, tags, or anything else. That is the tangible PROOF that our work touched someone, and for someone who put in zero effort and has no idea how we felt while creating to receive all of that instead of us…sucks.

I think where you stand on the issue is up to you, and it’s okay for it to change. YOU always have the right to decide how you’re comfortable with people sharing your art, and your feelings are valid regardless of how they change.

Ironically enough, I just had another art theft on Instagram (my Anniversary post) super recently, so I was like HAH when I got this orz

This rant got a bit long, so the rest beneath cut but here’s a rundown about how my feelings towards art theft have evolved over the years.

For example, over the years I’ve gotten much, MUCH stricter. My earliest online art, I just put it up, no url, oftentimes no signature, no warnings in the comments or my blog bio. Admittedly I was starting out and didn’t have much viewers anyway, but the point was I still had Trust at the time.

Then the art thefts began. I started adding my url to all my illustrations, even if it was just small in the corner, as this’d let people at least find my website. Most people are too lazy to type out a url though, and I’ve seen people asking “Who drew this??” on art theft comments EVEN WHEN THE URL IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE…

And then people started cropping my watermarks. I made my url bigger, and started adding an additional “DO NOT REPOST” to the image itself. I used to allow reposts with credits on platforms I’m not on, like fb, until I realized that people were then reposting from THOSE communities without credit and putting them into their videos and fics and I just…decided it wasn’t worth it.

I switched to no reposts PERIOD. I have lengthy disclaimers on all of my art that leads to an even lengthier FAQ post that, should people wish to look, leads to even an even more detailed post about WHY art theft sucks, as I’m explaining now.

(EDIT: ALSO, reduce the quality of the images you upload, and NEVER upload the full resolution, and try to keep you unmerged original files. This is for several reasons: no matter how much an art thief reposts your work, they’ll never have access to the higher resolution, and if they ever decide to try to print to sell for profit it’ll be shitty quality compared to anything you make with the original. ALSO, you having the maximum resolution with no watermarking with additional unmerged psd files will be proof that you are the true creator should you need to prove it, which I’ve heard is sometimes necessary to show when your art is stolen at say, an artist alley)

I also used to bother trying to talk to art reposters. I’d comment on the post, try to send messages, etc. It’s fucking exhausting, and while there are some exceptions, the VAST majority of art thiefs will feel attacked and immediately get rude and defensive. (the failed confrontations and disrespect you mentioned orz) If it’s a large community, they may even try to gang up on you. I’ve unfortunately experienced this most frequently in communities centered around other languages (mainly Spanish) because of different mainstream attitudes towards art reposting etiquette combined with a language barrier.

You will, and no doubt already have, encountered people who will argue with you, like the people I describe above. “You should be grateful for the bigger audience!” “We just want to appreciate your art, how can you be so horrible?” “We’re all fans together!” “This is fanart and doesn’t belong to you anyway!” Etc. etc. etc. It’s exhausting, it’s repetitive, it’s neverending, and you already felt awful before it even began and the stress just continues to build.

So I personally have just begun reporting people, if the service allows it. Use DMCA takedown request forms (and YES, even if it’s fanart it’s still yours if you drew it). This is stressful too because it sends your real name + info to the reposter (and wow I clearly can’t trust these people to begin with, why would I want them to have that???) but most sites (facebook, instagram, certainly tumblr, twitter) are very efficient and responsive, and in the end the relief of receiving that email that the art has been taken down is worth it. Especially with facebook, they also send a scary official warning email to the reposters which I sincerely hope will help educate them and discourage future art thefts.

I try to avoid posting public urls because yes I’m aware how mob mentality Tumblr can get, but sometimes it’s just too much. There’s no convenient form of getting my content removed (perhaps bc it’s in a compilation with a ton of other content), or for some reason my attempts to communicate have failed. In those times I have occasionally asked my followers to help, with a reminder to PLEASE always be polite and respectful, regardless of the offense. Y’all have been amazing, and this has saved me many nights of crying in the past.

I will sometimes also write lengthy posts (like this one!) to help educate. Because I do feel that art theft will continue so long as people don’t understand what it does to artists, and it’s up to the community as a whole to make that change, which also depends heavily on the consumers not just creators. A lot of art theft really isn’t intentionally meant to harm, but IS super ignorant.

But in the end, all I’ve ranted about so far is how I’ve dealt with actually removing/dealing with the shit. But the emotional pain, it builds. Sometimes, when it’s too frequent and the stolen art gets way more attention than my original that I worked my ass off on that basically flunked on my own platforms, I feel a bit of me break.

And in the end, it’s up to you what that threshold is, where posting art and feeling good about it is overwhelmed by the pain, fear, and anxiety of art theft. I’ve crossed my own threshold too many times, and once had to take an art hiatus because of it (fandom was BH6). This lead to a break in my productivity and motivation and my eventual complete departure form the fandom. I’ve seen many other artists just stop posting art entirely or moving everything to private. It’s terrible, but my feelings are with these artists, and I feel so, so sorry that they were hurt so much to the extent they had to do this.

With my current fandom and followers, I feel that regardless of how niche an audience my content tends to be geared for, I have a community that is really satisfying for me to create for, one that is responsive to me and gives me tons of feedback. This is the number one reason why i continue to feel motivated to post a ton of online content despite the risks.

The takeaway form this long meandering post: Posting online is a hobby, it’s for fun, and I don’t make any money off my public audience (unless they come to Patreon! LOL!), so I’m a firm believer that once the anxiety + misery starts outweighing anything positive you personally may get from sharing online, which for me heavily depends on my audience and their responsiveness, there’s no reason to subject yourself to that anymore and you are in no way obligated to stay. There are various methods to more efficiently get rid of art thefts without dealing with them in person which is stressful AF, and also ways of marking up your content in ways that may look less aesthetically pleasing, but will hopefully discourage art thefts, and at the very least give them very little leg to stand on should they do it anyway. How forgiving you are in art thefts also depends on you, but the more forgiving you are, the more it can get away from you. And in the end, YOU as a human are more important than any complaints about art looking less pleasing or the feelings of art thefts who don’t get to do what they want with YOUR hard work.

Sorry this was so disjointed and literally just me spewing at you, but I hope some of it was helpful ^ ^; Please let me know if I can give you any other advice, and I’m sorry again that you have to deal with this ;_;

(and to respond to your second ask, I do try to respond to most of my asks, but sometimes it takes a while (sometimes even months orz), especially if it’s one that requires a lengthy detailed answer like this one ^ ^; thank you for your patience!)

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 5 October 2017

It’s the start of the ALDS and the Astros are up on the Red Sox 8-2 in the top of the 9th.  To celebrate this it’s time to enjoy a St. Arnold’s and get on to answering the people seeking help from Prudence!

My 15-year-old daughter is a freshman in high school and has her first serious boyfriend. They are both star athletes, honor students, nondrinkers, and really nice kids. I love it that they are starting this new adventure in the dating scene together. He is a year older than she is and occasionally drives her around town. He is black, and she is white. What, if anything, should I say to her about traffic stops?

Dear Concerned Mom, Newdie did a great job informing us of the risks inherent to be a black person in America.  I think we are all owe a debt of gratitude to the late 20s white woman for explaining to us about the horrors of institutional racism. While we are grateful for her enlightening point of view based on her extensive experience, she did a pretty damn poor job of answering the question you asked.  What you’re asking about isn’t really dating advice; it is advice for situations across a wide spectrum of activities.  You’re not being a “crazy white mom” to talk with your child (who will soon be driving age herself) about how to react when, not if, she is stopped by the police.  It has nothing to do with you being worried that her boyfriend is going to get profiled, it has to do with the fact if you drive long enough you’re going to get stopped.  When stopped, whether as the driver or passenger, tell her to remain calm, be polite, keep your hands visible, and don’t interfere with the police.  Follow the instructions from the officer, and if she receives conflicting instructions stop and ask for clarification.  Most importantly try not to make the situation worse.  A good thing to keep in mind is that she is dealing with someone is one of the few people society has given the authority to initiate the use of force, including lethal force.  Even if the police are completely in the wrong, they pulled her boyfriend over because he’s black and they are being awful people abusing their authority on the street while stopped is not the place where the problem can be addressed.  Heck, it might not be able to be addressed elsewhere because life just ain’t fair, but it certainly can’t be addressed there at the point of friction.  The police officer is not going to hear a teenage girl tell him “you are, like, totally wrong to be stopping him and you’re only stopping him because he’s black!” and respond with “You know what Kindra, you’re right.  I was mistaken, here is your license sir.  Please drive safely.”  Have the conversation with your daughter about how, because of her boyfriend’s race, it is possible he’s going to be unjustly targeted by police.  That it’s “not okay” for that to happen, and that you and your family, as decent people want to do everything you can to combat that attitude.  Heck, if you want to have a conversation with your daughter about the wider issues of racism in society, how her privilege as the child of wealthy parents living in an upper class neighborhood means she’s the cause of all of society’s ills, knock yourself out.  But that is separate from the issue of “what to do if you’ve just been stopped by police”.

My husband and I have been preparing to adopt a baby from “Anita” for six months. We’ve paid Anita’s medical bills and an allowance so Anita didn’t have to work too hard during her final trimester. She’s due in six weeks, and we discovered by accident that at some point she’d changed her mind. Anita will be keeping her baby. It’s a devastating but not unexpected loss. My husband and I wish Anita well, because we want her baby to succeed, but we also want to sever our relationship with her.

Dear Paying for Baby, that is quite the gut-punch.  Anita’s mother can lob all the accusations she wants, that doesn’t mean she’s correct.  Regardless of whether you and your husband could afford to keep financing Anita’s pregnancy while pursuing another adoption option, it wouldn’t be heartless for you to stop.  Anita and your family had an agreement and she has reneged on her end of the agreement.  You’re under no obligation to continue and don’t let BadPru’s habit of ignoring information you provide in your letter guilt you into considering something against your short and long term interests..  If you were working with a lawyer I’d recommend speaking with them about terminating your support, and if you’re not working with one I’d recommend getting one who’s experienced in family law and adoption.  As for BadPru’s assumption you’re working either independently or with a disreputable agency, you can tell her to pound sand.  It’s not like “mother putting baby up for adoption changes her mind” is a wholly unheard of event within “reputable” adoption services.

I have a weird etiquette question: I was in an abusive marriage for a decade, and after we split, I had to distance myself from both my social and professional circles because we worked in the same industry. I’m very healthy and happy now. Recently, I’ve started to fold a few previous connections back into my life. Nobody has any idea how bad the abuse was, or why we divorced, and I still have to see my ex on occasion.

Dear No Polite Way to Say This, I’m not sure which is the weird etiquette part.  Is it where you’re not sure how much you want to reveal about the circumstances of your divorce or is it the part where you think people want to hear the details of the circumstances of your divorce?  That you’re asking about “etiquette” makes me think you’re looking for advice when dealing with more casual acquaintances; co-workers, peers within the industry, etc.  “Oh you know Elaine too?  Yes, we were married, but we divorced a few years ago,” for most people standing around at an industry convention that would be enough information.  If you want to invite follow-up questions then say it wasn’t amicable.  If we’re talking about a more intimate relationship; say a friend who knows the both of you, then it’s really going to be limited to what you’re comfortable discussing.  “Yes, Elaine and I had a very troubled marriage, it got really bad towards the end and I left.”  I will advise you that if you get into discussing your spouse’s abuse it’s going to get back to them and you’re going to open-up a whole new realm of social-etiquette fun.  Counter-accusations, justifications, side-choosing, etc.  While Newdie thinks it isn’t the case some people will be put off by your revealing the unpleasant details of your marriage, Newdie has a well-established history of being shockingly ignorant of how people can interact in a work environment (seriously, the new hire wanting a window view is a reasonable idea?!!?).  There are people in your professional and casual social circles who will be put-off by your “over-sharing”.  It’s going to put some people in a position where they feel obligated to distance themselves from either your ex or you.  It’s not fair, it’s probably not how it should be, but the world doesn’t deal in “should”.  I’m glad you’re doing well now and I wish you the best of luck in retaking some of those parts of your life.

I’ve known my friend “B” for around five years. We met as students and had a wonderful companionship through school and still remain close. The only problem is her escalating interest in the cast of a television show, particularly one male actor. It began with a minor interest in the show while we were students. She was going through a rough time personally and began watching; over the years, she has become so obsessed with one of the lead actors that she now spends thousands of dollars to go to conventions across the country, attends related events, and generally finds reasons to be in his neighborhood. They have “coincidentally” met several times, and he was rude to her on multiple occasions. This is only a fraction of what B has done to research, stalk, and meet this actor, who is twice her age. He now recognizes her.

Dear Caught Up in Fandom, a dude dressing up as a surprisingly convincing Super Girl might be caught up in fandom.  Your friend blew past that and went off the cliff into “creepy shrine” territory a while ago.  Your friend has a problem, and today I learned there is a whole spectrum of problems dealing with people who become obsessed with a celebrity.  As for your actual question, I’m not a fan of ghosting.  There are situations where it’s the least bad option, but people generally deserve to the respect that comes from saying “hey, it’s been fun but we’re just after different things; you’re not interesting, etc”.  Other friends have told B that her behavior is disturbing and driving them away, so it’s not like she hasn’t been made aware how people people.  Maybe she’s not putting 1 and 1 together, but she probably is.  I think you should tell your friend what her actions have been doing to you and why you’re going to cut her out of your life.  If you want to leave the line open to reconnect in the future that’s your prerogative.

I have been with my husband for five years. He is attentive, kind, thoughtful, and attractive, which are all qualities that make him appealing to other women. Four years ago he cheated on me, and I found out almost immediately after the affair started. He showed remorse, we went to counseling, and I decided to stay with him. Since the affair, I check his Facebook, emails, phone calls, and texts regularly. It’s obviously insane and has become somewhat of an obsession. I have attempted counseling but this hasn’t stopped or curbed my snooping. I am just waiting to catch him again and feel that it’s only a matter of time before he strays.

Dear Husband Monitor, you should probably attempt counseling again.  Try a different therapist.  I don’t know what, if anything, there is about you which screams “cheat on me”.  To say “because you believe they will and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy” is tempting, but unfair and not very helpful.  Long-term relationships do end, and the infidelity at the end of your previous relationships might have been a symptom rather than a cause.  Eventually you’re going to need to have a talk with your husband about your feelings here.  You’re not clear about whether he’s aware you’re checking up on him, so I’m going to assume he isn’t.  That is probably going to be an unhappy conversation because it involves a pretty significant breach of trust (whether it is as bad as cheating in a marriage is a debate I’ll leave to the philosophers).  You’re going to need to talk with him about your feelings, why you are so anxious and suspicious, and whether it is reasonable.  Your snooping on him doesn’t seem to be helping you, and you don’t refer to anything other than your history as to why he will eventually stray.  It might be time to let him out of the doghouse, and that forgiveness might have the added benefit of giving yourself the permission to trust again.  I know how hard it can be to put your trust and faith into someone, and how much, much harder it is to restore those feelings after they’ve been betrayed.  But holding on to that isn’t doing you any good.  

I am a casual Spanish speaker—I can understand a good bit of what I hear and read, but have more difficulty speaking it. My mom, bless her, thinks I am fluent. Normally, this isn’t a problem. She might call sometimes with a question about something she heard on TV or about something on a menu, but that’s it. Recently though, something happened that made me uncomfortable. She had some furniture delivered, and the men who dropped it off spoke Spanish. She wanted me to give them instructions in Spanish, and I told her it wasn’t necessary, as it was obvious they also spoke English.

Dear Not Your Translator, after you follow NuPru’s advice and lecture your mother about her racism, then delve into just what drove her to those thoughts, you should grab a cup of hot chocolate and talk about health insurance.  You don’t need to be racist to be irrational.  Maybe your mom is uber racist, maybe she is just normally racist or maybe she isn’t, but that doesn’t change the fact it can be off-putting to be left outside a conversation happening in front of you because you don’t sprich die sprach.  There’s also nothing wrong with you informing her you’re not comfortable eavesdropping on someone else’s conversation.  Heck, go ahead and let her know you think it’s rude for her to ask you to do so.  But you can set your boundaries while also assuaging her concerns; let her know that if you do hear anything untoward you’ll address it and then don’t.  She gets what she wants: she’s comforted by knowing you’re listening in.  You get what you want: you’re not having to listen in.  The work crew gets what they want: to do their job while talking about the ignorant woman and he dumbass child.  It’s a Win-Win-Win!