#Abridgecard

[ajstudio]

Abridgecard finds Cocaine Bear.

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Alucard is getting the hang of the changes in society after rematerializing back into existence. While paying a visit to the Goodwill store Abridged Alucard finds a unique little gem.

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Abridgecard: Why are we here? There's a Michael's on the other side of this place.

Persephone: They are closed due to inventory. While it breaks my heart that one of my favorite stores is closed I would be passing up an opportunity to repurpose some old goodwill rags into some real gems. There's nothing better than getting some good fabric for a steal!

Abridgecard: What about Hobby Lobby? Don't they sell fabrics? Or did they stop while I was gone?

Persephone: Oh, no. They still sell fabrics. I'm just checking here first before I go there since I know I'll be there longer.

Abridgecard: Ah!

Persephone: My cousin's art teacher found this expensive blouse for $5. I found some workout pants from Glein Clein for $6 a pair when they'd be worth $50 if I bought them online. And when I am not looking for clothes to wear I find clothes made of good material I can use to make purses, shirts, and pants. I even made my prom dress out of clothes from the Goodwill store in my area.

Abridgecard: *reacts to some of the items at the store as he makes his way to the section with the VHS, DVDs, Blu-rays, and videogame *Can-can girl teapot, Pig Cleaning Lady Cookie Jar, The Muppets plush dolls, Pacman arcade game, pictures, Sophia (Golden Girls) Bust Bank, a hippo Bhuda statue doing yoga, grinning mugs, and a duck wearing a pope hat*

Abridgecard: Oh, Vampire Knight. Of course, they would be in a Goodwill store because no one wants to keep those books any more than their Twilight novels. OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! It's Twilight! Let's see. We have one. Two. Three copies of Twilight. Four Eclipses. Two Breaking Dawns. And one New Moon. Any me novels? Hey, it's the untitled goose game for the Switch. *Turns around to find a Pacman arcade game* Oh, that's so cool- Aw, it's not working!

Old Lady: The Pacman Game? I wanted it for my laundry mat to entertain my customers but the people that work here say it's not working.

Abridgecard: Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! Why donate it if it's not working?

Old Lady: Decoration, maybe? Someone might want it for their man cave. Or gamer cave. I don't know what gamers call their gaming room these days.

Abridgecard: Huh? What's this? *looks at the case and reads the title* Cocaine Bear? *snickers* Are you fucking real!? Is it about a bear doing drugs? *reads the back* 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oh, fuck! This shit sounds hilarious! Oh, shit! I left my wallet at home! *spots Persephone at the checkout counter*

Goodwill Employee: Would you like to make a donation to St. Jude's Children's Hospital?

Persephone: Yes, please.

Goodwill Employee: Oh, you have three DVDs. Is there another one you'd like? It's buy three get one free.

Abridgecard: *slaps the DVD on the counter* I will have this one!

Persephone: 🤭😂😂🤭 (He timed that perfectly.)

Abridgecard: Please do this for me. I left my wallet at home.

Persephone: What did you pick? *looks at the cover* Oh, my goodness!

Abridgecard: *bends over to whisper in her ear* We are watching this tonight.

Persephone: Did you check to see if the disc is *opens the case* Oh! The disc is inside case.

Abridgecard: Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?

Persephone: Sometimes people will donate the case without double-checking if the disc is inside. I learned this the hard way with a Celine Dion album that was missing the CD.

Goodwill Employer: That happens a lot here.

Persephone: Or the case might have the wrong item inside. I bought a copy of a game my friend lost only to find out last minute the case contained a completely different disc inside.

Abridgecard: What was the game?

Persephone: I wanted to get Warriors Orochi for the PS2 for my cousin. But the case contained a Dora game for the Wii.

Abridgecard and Goodwill Employer: Ooooooo!

Goodwill Employer: It wasn't even for the right console!

Abridgecard: You know what. I think some kid might swapped the game out of the case with his sister's and taken off with it.

Goodwill Employer: Oh, that's probably what happened.

Abridgecard: Also, why don't you just double-check the cases before putting them on the shelves?

Goodwill Employer: I don't know, but I guess I could make a habit of it starting now. I'll check once someone takes over my shift.

Abridgecard : Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you just take all the mismatched games and movies, hand them out on April Fools Day, and tell everyone there're mystery boxes?

Persephone: Or you could just sell the cases themselves and sell the games and DVDs separately? But what you could put them in if they don't have a case?

Old Lady: Would you hurry it up? I've been waiting here for fifteen minutes already!

Persephone: Oh, I'm sorry! I'll be done right this instant. *hands over Cocaine Bear to the Goodwill Man* I'll be taking this.

Abridgecard: I also want this. *sets down the pope duck*

Persephone: Oh, it's cute! Did you name him yet? *hands the duck to the cashier and then realizes Alucard could've just warped back home to get his wallet*

As Alucard and Persephone leave the checkout counter, Alucard notices an old woman handing the cashier a DVD called The Diary of an Angry Black Woman with an old black African woman on the cover.

Abridgecard: The Diary of an Angry Black Woman? I wonder who passed off the old lady.

Persephone: Oh, did you see another movie you wanted to watch?

Abridgecard: Nah! Just looking at the stuff the old laundry mat lady bought.

Persephone: You know, I've seen that movie, the sequels, and the plays.

Abridgecard: Really?

Persephone: Oh, yes. My friends and I used to watch them. The first two movies were a big part of our teenage years. They were hilarious, but the scriptwriter Tyler Perry, who also plays Madea the old black woman on the cover, isn't afraid to tackle the touchy issues that an older generation would just try to swipe under the rug.

Abridgecard: Oh!

Persephone: To best describe Madea in a way you would understand, Alucard, if I had to pick a spirit animal for you Madea would be the perfect choice.

Abridgecard: Oh, now I need to see this movie! *pulls out Cocaine Bear* Right after we watch this!

Persephone: Well, the good thing is I already own most of the DVDs. My favorites are Boo 1 & 2, the Christmas Specials, and Madea Goes to Jail.

Abridgecard: Well, I guess it was bound to happen.

Persephone: I just want to give you a heads-up about the Madea movies. Despite what the trailers and covers may imply, the movies also focus on a family member of Madea's or someone she'll meet later on and the challenges they face. Madea can be a bit of a troublemaker and probably should have been locked up a long time ago. But just like a good family elder, she offers guidance when they need it. She's kinda like you.

Abridgecard: Are you saying I should be in jail?

Persephone: I wasn't trying to imply that. But realistically, the inmates wouldn't be safe with you. You would probably be put in solitary confinement.

Abridgecard: That's not nice.

Persephone: I'd come visit you.

Abridgecard: But would you break me out?

Persephone: No.

Abridgecard: Ow!

Persephone: But I could afford it I'd bail you out and I'd visit you until I could.

Abridgecard: And with that, you're forgiven.

Persephone and Alucard spent two hours indulging in their leisure activities. Persephone spent her time examining fabrics and restocking her art supplies, while Alucard followed her around with two garden gnomes. They then had a double movie night where they watched Cocaine Bear and Madea Goes to Jail. While watching the movies, Alucard was reminded of his past experiences of hijacking lifting cranes while performing his crazy antics.

[ajstudio]

Mercy/Persephone's Battle Uniform, Abilities, and Blood

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Before joining Hellsing it took a while for Mercy to realize her scent was attracting vampires. Upon this realization, Mercy started dressing in layers like a conservative Muslim woman living in Iran even going so far as to wear a hijab (This isn't a jab at them. No pun).

Upon being recruited, Mercy feared when Alucard finally returned home, he'd be dealing with unwanted erections (in the case of Abridgecard dealing with his hormonal sexual harassment), or he'd have to take on his Girlycard form when around her since her scent only affects male vampires.

So Mercy and the lab worked on a unique material for her scent-concealing undergarments and, later, new body suits that could be used for the other soldiers of Hellsing for their camouflage.

Mercy also made some alterations to the uniform she and Seras wear. They now have the option to wear shorts or skorts (short skirts with shorts underneath). Her argument is the vampires they target shouldn't be allowed to see their panties as they're killed.

When out on missions and off of her home island Mercy is dressed in a red Hellsing uniform with combat boots, gloves, goggles, and a turban, or archerhood, and underneath is an undergarment bodysuit covering her from head to toe that prohibits her scent from betraying her presence since she prefers to kill stealthily and to prevent male vampires from acting like uncivilized dogs in heat. Only on Sir Integra's orders is she allowed to use her scent to attract their intended targets.

Weapons

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Mercy wields a small handgun from Walter, his steel wires, a sniper rifle (Monica), and twin pistols (Patience and Prudence) which are named after her friends who were turned into ghouls the night she died. She has a degree in gunsmithing and is trying to recreate the Jackel for Alucard.

Rifle and twin pistols pictures are here.

Estherling Dhampir Abilities

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After being given the organs' of Lindsey Anderson Mercy is now a third-generation Estherling Dhampir or Fertility Dhampire. Mercy possesses the regular abilities and weaknesses of a Vampire and an Estherling. She can shape-shift, float, and phase through walls, and when she turns into a mist, an animal, or an insect, she carries her aphrodisiac scent with her, but what she attracts will determine what form she's in.

Two Pictures here.

Blood Shifting

Mercy can also make guillotine blades and weapons by materializing the minerals in blood and she is always learning how to wield traditional weapons for this reason. The tips and edges of bladed weapons are blunt and dull.

Mercy would argue she's better off making blunt weapons (rods, staves, hammers, maces, flails, and whips) for her battles, or sculptures and gardening decorations with the leftover blood of her enemies. She even made a greenhouse out of the blood of the vampires that invaded her house. But that disadvantage didn't stop Alucard from requesting her to make him javelins for him on one mission. It took a while for her to remember he traditionally impaled people with dull-tipped javelins. She was understandably mortified.

Picture here.

An Aphrodisiac Aroma and Fertile Blood

As much as she had a hard time coping with her new vampire body, Mercy would've had a harder time being a purebred Estherling which would've attracted more species to her.

When half a cup of her blood is consumed, Mercy can share her ability to weaponize blood for twenty minutes, and then the fertility boost kicks in, lasting for twelve hours. A teaspoon is enough to induce fertility in male vampires for twelve hours while females need to take a teaspoon once every four hours and no more than three to stimulate ovulation. If consumed in larger quantities the effects will be stronger, and a cup is enough to send a vampire into heat.

When Mercy is ovulating, the effects of the blood are increased fourfold. If she weren't a virgin the effects of her blood would be reduced by half. From what she's also learned from her donor's memories, women vampires are the only ones to possess this special blood, while the males can only carry the genes to sire these fertility vampires. This is due to which gender their Estherling predecessor is.

The scent of Mercy's blood is potent enough to attract vampires from a 30-mile radius. When ovulating the radius is increased to 120 miles. If her scent were to linger on anyone she had been in contact with while not wearing her special full-length underwear, they would attract male vampires too, and if they're human, Mercy fears the vampire would drink their blood anyway.

Concealing Mercy's scent becomes a topic of concern when she discovers people are followed home by vampires because her scent lingers on them. Upon joining Hellsing, Integra relocates Mercy to an island 130 miles off the coast of England's shores, and no one is allowed to set foot there without her permission. Such as the laboratory staff in the castle on the island.

When Alucard returns after his thirty-year absence and obtains the power of Schrodinger; they learn he can teleport anywhere by following the scent of his allies or enemies alike. Keeping his nosy self away from Mercy becomes a topic of concern. But on another occasion, when she's lost, he can't pick up her scent due to her full-body underwear.

Should Mercy have children naturally, she will likely conceive in multiples as will her daughters would conceive when they are of age, but her grandchildren wouldn't without drinking her blood or her daughters' blood. In regards to the aphrodisiac quality, that trait wouldn't show up until they've started puberty.

Picture here.

Inherited Memories

True to Estherling's genetics, Mercy has gradually inherited the memories of her predecessors and Lindsey's since she received her organs. She also remembers her infancy and other lost memories with more clarity and knows about Lindsey's life up to her decapitation.

The most she can learn about her predecessors and Lindsey's begins at their conception in the womb to the point they sire or conceive the person she or Lindsey directly descended from. For example, Mercy has only a third of Walter C. Dornez's memories because he sired Mercy's mother, Eleanor Dornez, in his twenties. She doesn't know anything else about him beyond that point unless it comes from the memories of her parents. Another example is her mother, she knows about her mother's life up to the point she conceives Mercy. So she knows how Eleanor's pregnancy with her twin siblings went from her mother's memories.

[ajstudio]

Okay so lately I've been thinking of Abridgecard giving therapy to his other counterparts across the many dimensions he can travel to after gaining control of Schrodinger's powers. Since he gave himself therapy for ten years there's nothing stopping him from giving self-help a whole new meaning. Imagine how fed up they would be with Abridgecard's immaturity and later being roped in his group therapy consisting of the other counterparts. It would be hilarious, deep, rich, weird, and emotional all at once.

@thirstyforlulu @hunnie880 @alucardownsmyass @doodleferp @merumely @sonia-irl @thecrimsonwingsfckerabridged @crimsonfuckrr @amikartest @michi-tala @diamond-star @vladislavthedad @blood-and-cigars @goblins-riddles-or-frocks @the-hellsing-organisation @baddiewolf28 @meldreemurr @dragon-stones @pokerharem @my-mild-ginger

[ajstudio]

Alucard: I WANT THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES!

Mercy/Insert Name: To drink, or bathe in, dear?

Alucard: Yes, drage mea.

@alucardownsmyass @thirstyforlulu @hunnie880 @merumely @doodleferp @icecry

[ajstudio]

I believe Alucard (Canon or Abridged) would be surprisingly touched by a love interest, or someone crushing on him, when they want to give Alucard extra time to mourn over his wives whom Abraham Van Hellsing killed before serving Hellsing.

They understand they were with him for a long time (the first bride being with him for likely two centuries), and if he wasn't ready to date yet because he wanted some time to grieve, they would respect that. Lost loved ones are not people you can just get over. You cry for them, you have to move on without them, but it doesn't mean you forget them. Some people never move on, or they're just content with being single. When people see Alucard, they normally don't think of him as a widower even though he is one.

Canoncard might be brain dead for a moment before fully processing what the potential suitor said before thinking, "Well, let's see where this goes."; while Abridgecard might need a moment to cry alone, or he just might cry telling them he has something in his eyes, or, "Aw! Come on! Why have you gonna be so sentimental and shit!?

@alucardownsmyass @hunnie880 @michi-tala @thirstyforlulu @merumely @icecry @doodleferp

[ajstudio]

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Fanfic Shorts #1

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Sugarcane and Peaches

June 2031

10 months after Alucard (TFS) returned to Hellsing they had a mission in New Orleans, Louisiana, and while there Sir Integra gave Persephone (neé Mercy Zuckerman) an opportunity to revisit her homeland before leaving. This exchange takes place while Sir Integra, Alucard, and Persephone visit the Zuckerman Sugarcane Plantation

Abridgecard: Wait!? They burn the sugarcane!?

Persephone: They do it because it's easier to harvest the sugarcane. They burn the residual leaves with the sugarcane, harvest the crops, send them to the factory, and then they prepare the fields for the next planting. The ashes leftover act as a good fertilizer for the next crop.

Abridgecard: Sh*t! I'd love to work at a place where I could burn things and get paid for it! Heck, I'd even take it as a side job if I could!

Integra: Alucard, you would just cause a fire hazard more than you would make a contribution in the workplace.

Abridgecard: Apparently, burning sugarcane fields is still a contribution.

Persephone: You would only get to do it once a year.

Abridgecard: Not unless I burn more than one field.

Persephone: How would you know when they're ready to harvest though?

Abridgecard: Why I'm surprised you asked. It's sugarcane! I'd eat it!

Persephone: Well good thing you didn't grow up here. You'd probably eat the sugar in the storage. After the sugarcane is brought to the factory where its ground it's then put into storage. But here's something a lot of people don't know about stored grounded sugarcane: the kids of the farmers like to play in the giant piles like they were sand. It was part of my fonder memories growing up when I came here for the holidays.

Abridgecard: You grew up playing in actual sugar? I'm actually kind of jealous.

Integra: Isn't that a little unsanitary to have them play in the sugar?

Persephone: Don't worry. The sugarcane is filtered before it's packaged and sent out to their purchasers. My family would never be so irresponsible with the source of their income.

Abridgecard: Soooo, Red.

Persephone: Yes Alucard?

Abridgecard: I was just wondering-

Integra: Oh no. (I know this is going to go somewhere.)

Abridgecard: How long did you play in the piles?

Persephone: Well regularly for hours before the main meals were served but then we would come back and pick up where we left o-

Abridgecard: So that means everyone in your family has a sweet ass, right?

Persephone: (Oh, I get where he's going with this.) Well, I can't speak for everyone in my family but I got mine from my father since he's a pear-shaped endomorph like his mother. So I guess some of the peach booties are hereditary on that side of the family.

Abridgecard: He hah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Is that so? Hey, do you know what that means?

Persephone: What does what mean?

Abridgecard: I get to call you Peaches. Your new nickname is Peaches.

Integra: *facepalm* Oh my gosh!

Persephone: *giggles* Persie Peaches? Has a cute ring to it!

Abridgecard: I know, right?

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Heat

August 15, 2031

Our favorite vampire hunting trio was sent to Kenya, Africa to hunt a vampire that was cooking up trouble and escaped to the safari. While there, Persephone bonds with Keya the lioness who was in heat and wearing out her mate. Alucard doesn't miss an opportunity to be a chaotic manchild.

Persephone: Intense heat that lasts for two to eight days and you need to actively have sex with your mate to deal with the unbearable orgasms you get once a month. I've never related so much to an animal before.

Keya: purs and chuffs happily as Persephone scratches the back of her ears before she gave a low roar

Persephone: I know. It's such a pain. It'll be worth it though cause you'll get some cute cubs out of it. I don't know if my future soulmate will be able be bear with my condition without tiring of me. You're fortunate to have a mate that loves you enough to put up with it. He knows you're worth it.

Kala: Wow! I've never seen her so comfortable with another person out of the group while she's in that condition.

Persephone: We're just bonding over a relatable problem.

Kala: Oh, really?

Persephone: I have unbearable orgasisms that come and go once a month and they last five to seven days. Normally leading up to my ovulation date. But it's worse when I'm ovulating.

Kala: Oh my gosh! Are you seeing any doctors?

Persephone: I have been seeing several.

Kala: My gosh! I wonder if you were a lioness in a past life.

Persephone: Maybe that's why I felt more at home with Black African women. I grew up with my own circle of soul sisters.

Kala: Aww! That's right. You grew up with my cousin Joy.

Persephone: Yes I did. She was a part of my sweet, precious, and beautiful sisterhood.

Keya: chuffing and low roaring

Persephone: What is it? Are you trying to roar big?

Kala: She's just in a talkative mood today.

Abridgecard: IN THE JUNGLE, THE MIGHTY JUNGLE, THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT!

Persephone: And he is in a musical mood.

Kala: Or a Disney mood.

Persephone: Fair enough.

Abridgecard: You know that song was a lie. Simba never got any sleep because Nala kept him up.

Seras: Oh come on! That scene where Nala was giving Simba bedroom eyes was awkward enough to watch as a kid! Besides didn't Nala and Simba talk afterward?

Abridgecard: Shhhh! It was intense pillow talk.

Persephone: (Well, we know Simba lost sleep after marrying Nala.)

Seras: (Great! I can never watch the Lion King again!)

Bonus

@merumely @thirstyforlulu @alucardownsmyass @hunnie880 @doodleferp @diamond-star @sundove88 @michi-tala @amikartest @trashbaby92 @sonia-irl @goblins-riddles-or-frocks @blood-and-cigars @the-hellsing-organisation @icecry @thecrimsonwingsfckerabridged

I have more in the works and I have a big one I really need to finish. I plan to draw some pictures for these shorts. So that will be fun.

[ajstudio]

Mercy Eleanor Zuckerman and Alucard. Valentine's day was two days ago and while I had already shared some of these pictures I wanted to include another I had finished. I intend to make a separate post about Mercy, but I can share some information about her before then as I explain what's happening in these pictures.

The first and last pictures are based on the idea of a bittersweet headcanon of Alucard going back to his cell since Integra was limited to having one active vampire after the mess Millennium brought forth on London. Integra gave him the choice to be free or go back to his cell. He chooses the latter, and Mercy visits him. I can't remember who came up with the headcanon. I wanna say @goblins-riddles-or-frocks or @blood-and-cigars , but I can't find the post on their blogs after reading it the first few times. If Alucard chooses to be free Mercy would be more than happy to try and introduce him to the changes in society since in my story she helps him with that after he regains a physical form. When Alucard returns home he finds letters from Seras, Integra, and Mercy left for him over the last eight of the thirty years he was gone. Most of them are from Mercy since she started it, then Seras starts leaving some, and finally, Integra. It amused him that Mercy wanted him to know he was thought of during his absence.

The second picture was influenced by one @kradeelav made of Alucard and Pip. I want Mercy and Alucard's first kiss to be the "shut up and kiss me" kind. This picture is too warm for such an impulsive gesture. When I drew this picture I remembered that Alucard and Mercy have a 1'4 height difference. Alucard stands 6'7 while Mercy is a small 5'3. That's why his hands are so much bigger than hers. How is she so close to him? She's floating.

The third one is centered around @thirstyforlulu wanting to see Alucard in a hoodie with chains. I intend to make a more full-length picture of such an outfit I have for him in mind later. So stay tuned. In this picture, we have Mercy sitting on Alucard's lap as all his eyes look at her from more than one angle. I call this piece, "Eyes on Me", or "Eyes on You" would be fitting. They're sitting in a coffin big enough to fit three people of Alucard's size. It was a gift to Mercy when she got two coffins to replace her first one which had been emptied of her birthplace soil and then burnt. The villain who did that is a whole other story.

@merumely @hunnie880 @alucardownsmyass @amikartest @sonia-irl @michi-tala @the-hellsing-organisation @meldreemurr @doodleferp @vladislavthedad @thecrimsonwingsfckerabridged @sundove88 @diamond-star @antonialovelycares @alucard-the-edgy @xxnotinmylobbyxx @baddiewolf28

[artsy-jandi]

hellsing, HELLSING / ヘルシング×Untitled Goose Game / October 21st, 2019 - pixiv

Alucard: the Untitled Goose.

But I believe Abridgecard was already a silly goose before Canoncard.