#Also Prem and Boun’s acting was painfully amazing.

[fadelikeclouds]

When Win says don’t be afraid of my feelings for you, I was happily surprised that Team took his advice. Because Team is afraid. He’s not sure how Win feels about him. And we know from the uwma version of this scene that Team could have gone with the flow and had a fun time with Win in bed. That’s something that’s easy. It’s a familiar pattern where they decide to feel good physically while putting off their turbulent emotions for later (you know the bathroom scene at the end of 7…). But Team takes Win’s words and decides to be brave, finally asking a question that has been plaguing him.

It’s an indirect question of, “What do I mean to you?” or “How do you feel about me?” And when Win is gripped by his own fears and hesitates, Team’s own courage falters.

And that is just too relatable. Because it’s scary to be that vulnerable, and in the silence that follows a complicated question, all the dark thoughts rise to the surface, and all the positive possibilities wither, and all that’s left is the certainty that once again you’ve made a mistake. Shouldn’t have said anything. Shouldn’t have expected anything. Of course there’s only going to be disappointment. (Disclaimer: It could also be that I’m just projecting onto Team.)

On Win’s end, I’m wondering if he’s a mind-reader and knows exactly which question Team is referring to. Because there was also this question that Team asked earlier:

To which Win pulled a reverse uno card and asked:

The answers to both questions left them with an arrow through the heart. But at that stage, it wasn’t a mortal wound. But now, with everything that has happened, that sort of response would be devastating because they know how much they mean to each other now.

But I digress, the thing with Win is that he is also scared. He tells Win to not be afraid of his feelings, but we also saw earlier that Win is afraid of his own feelings. He’s scared of loving Team because he’s afraid of losing him. And he too is just as confused as Team is about what their relationship is, and is uncertain about whether they agree about where they want to relationship to go. This is a simplistic summary of what’s going on with Win. @thebroccolination wrote an amazing post about Win’s struggles this episode, and so I’ll just leave the discussion here. No paraphrasing can truly do it justice.

In summary, Team used up all his courage to ask a question that terrifies him, hurtling Win straight into his own paralyzing fears. And the episode ends with them both in tears, while I am here pierced through the heart, smiling while I am bleeding out because I have faith that the beginning of the next episode is going to be beautiful. Maybe we will see them actually talk about their insecurities and fears, exposing all their most vulnerable spots, and maybe we will see them find out that its okay to do that with each other, that it’s safe to be their imperfect, messy selves. Maybe we will get to see them realize that even though they feel so broken, there’s someone who reciprocates every bit of their overwhelming need to have each other in their lives. Maybe they will finally give themselves permission to love and be loved.