#And then Aaron goes ahead and dies twice

[citrusscale-remastered]

Master Rufus: There is a fine line between insanity and genius. Master Rufus, thinking back to both of his apprentice groups: My apprentices snorted that line every day since they first met.

[whump-town]

Breathe In Breathe Out

Delayed Drowningc • Chemical Pneumonia • Oxygen Mask

He’s slept roughly four hours in the last two days. It occurs to him that today is Saturday and he’s got the weekend to catch up on that sleep. The thought washes over him like a calming wave and then a tight knot of shame forms in the back of his mind, a nasty voice sneering that he shouldn’t be so happy. His son is going to be gone the whole weekend. Jack’s going to enjoy being away from him. 

The apartment is going to be empty. 

Trudging through the living room, leaving the lights off, he manages to catch his shin on the stupid coffee table, knocking the remote onto the floor. “Fuck,” he curses, bending over to grab at his throbbing shin. His other hand rubs over the carpet, failing to find the remote where he’d managed to lose it onto the floor. With a roll of his eyes, he abandons the mission. 

Finding that damn thing can wait to tell he’s had some sleep. 

Standing, his knees give audible protest and he grunts at the pain spiking up his back. He’s old. Shaking his head, he rubs at his lower back, heading back to his room. He just needs to get some sleep. 

Nose diving into the duvet, he doesn’t so much as kick his shoes off. Getting to sleep is easy, he’s out the second he curls into his side. He’ll have to remember to thank Jessica for turning on the heat. The dropping September temperature hadn’t been on his mind when he’d stumbled out the door four days previously. 

But he comes home to a toasty apartment, a nice contrast to the fall chill in the air just outside his bedroom’s window. 

Groggily, stomach aching with a strange vengeance, he wakes some hour or so later. Time is a concept his fuzzy mind can’t grasp. With hands that feel twice their size and a body that feels too heavy to be his own, he pushes himself upright. Fumbling, he tears off his clothes. Simply letting his suit jacket and pants land in a heap on the floor. The buttons make his head throb but it’s muscle memory to work them apart. By the time the final one snaps out of place, he lands back on the bed. Too tired to hold himself upright but at least his clothes aren’t trapping him in anymore.

It feels like he’s just closed his eyes when he wakes with a startle, his entire body trembling. 

He rolls over onto his back, sweating lightly. He’s still bone-tired and when he turns his head to see the alarm clock on the nightstand he finds he can’t really see the numbers. Somewhere, on the floor, maybe, his phone vibrates where it’d fallen. His chest is tight, painfully so— his father had died of a heart attack not much older than he is now.

Is this how he’ll go?

Not with a bang?

He’d always expected to find himself looking down the barrel of a gun, as he had some many times before, and been unable to walk away. To crumble where he stood. Leaving his son and ex-sister-in-law to bury him in a closed casket. Forcing his team to carry him through the graveyard one last time. 

But…

He’d always hoped someone would be there. So his last thought would be of his family and not… not this painful coil of fear. 

Against his will, a tear falls down his face. He feels miserable. The back of his throat feels tight with nausea but he’s not sure he can stand. He wants so desperately for someone to come. He doesn’t care if it’s Dave with his frustrating muttered Italian or even JJ, who he knows would wrap the blanket at the end of his bed around his shoulders.

He misses them. Shivering and crying softly in his confusion, he wants so desperately for comfort. Eyes sliding shut against his will, the darkness and his anxiety overtaking him, he knows something is so desperately wrong but… he doesn’t know what.

Monday comes around without a hitch for the others.

In fact, for once, Emily Prentiss is ahead of schedule. She’s set to arrive at the office before JJ, not to toot her own horn or anything. When the elevator comes to a stop on the floor, she frowns. She’s used to the soft wafting smell of coffee greeting her and the lights up and down the hall being turned on. 

But it’s seven in the morning and she supposes maybe Hotch isn’t here yet. He always makes coffee in the morning. By the time she normally gets there, he’s got all three coffee pots going and the bullpen slowly coming to life under his nurturing hand. The man’s got the green thumb equivalent of whatever paperwork and federal agents are to plants.

This morning, it seems he’s slacking in his watering of the plants. 

JJ comes in ten minutes later, a bagel in one hand and a newspaper in the other. She’s scowling at the later, too busy to observe the too-quiet office and lack of Hotch going on. She does manage to stop her brisk walk the second time Emily calls out for her. “Yeah?” she shakes her head, she hasn’t had any coffee yet. “Emily,” she says shocked. “You’re here early.”

Emily nods her head, “I am.” Pointing up to Hotch’s dark office she deduces, “but Hotch isn’t.”

JJ glances up at the office and tries to stifle the immediate worry that consumes her. “Uh,” she shakes it away. “Jack gives Hotch some trouble on Monday mornings,” she rationalizes. Hotch had said something once about it but she’s just hoping, clinging to that idea. “Besides,” she adds, recalling this detail. “Sometimes they stop for a muffin or donuts. That’s probably just taking some time this morning.” 

Right, both women think as they go their separate ways, that has to be it. 

For esteemed members of the A team of the BAU, Reid and Morgan don’t notice Hotch’s absence until around lunchtime. Morgan realizes Hotch hasn’t been down to the bullpen for his second and third cup of coffee. Which he customary drinks leaning against one of their desks and arguing with Reid about whatever niche subject he’s devoted his time to this week. Morgan didn’t think that was something his day needed until…  

“I forgot Hotch isn’t here to make any more coffee,” Reid complains. He’s standing in front of Emily’s desk, his mug in his hands. She gives him only a second of her time, looking him up and down and shaking her head. He’ll grumble all day about how she and Morgan treat him like a baby and then he’ll stand here and pout because Hotch didn’t make coffee. 

Hotch has no personal obligation to make the coffee. They’re all adults who can make coffee. 

Reid shuffles his weight between his left and right foot. “Do you think something’s wrong?”

Yeah, she feels like snapping, the thought has occurred to her. First of all, Dave can preach all day about how it’s good Hotch has taken the day off, but in the years she’s known Aaron Hotchner he’s done that once. Once. And even then he’d left them an objective— a damn warning! 

“He’s fine, kid,” Morgan speaks up but he doesn’t look up from his file. A dead give away. He’d joked when he’d first noticed Hotch’s lights off but the light of his tone never met his eyes. It doesn’t help that he hasn’t said much of anything to any of them. Just sat and did his paperwork.

Derek Morgan never does paperwork.

Reid nods, glancing at Emily, but she’s lowered her head to her own paperwork. Okay, he thinks understands. With a nod, he goes back to the break room and makes his own coffee. Hotch will be back tomorrow, he convinces himself. It’ll all be fine… tomorrow. Hotch will make them coffee. Hotch will be here...

Tuesday comes with a southern downpour. The temperature drops dramatically and that chill follows it’s way into the building. 

“He’s not here,” Reid greets Emily. 

She’s running her fingers through her wet hair, glad that no one’s around to hear her cursing up a storm worse than the one blowing outside--- and by anyone, she means Hotch and his disappointed but not surprised frown. “What do you mean,” she grumbles, resigning herself to the fact that she wasted an hour in front of the mirror this morning getting her hair straight. 

Reid watches her with a mix of awe and curiosity but answers none-the-less. “Hotch,” he says, motioning behind them to the dark office. 

Emily’s fingers are caught in her hair, her arms twisting her damp hair back into a bun. “What,” she asks, having heard him but too surprised to say anything else. With the ease that comes from muscle memory, she snaps the hair tie around her messy excuse of a bun and discards her belongings on the floor. Headed for Hotch’s office.

Reid already knows what she’s going to find. 

He’d come bearing the book he’d been telling Hotch about last week. The plan was to surprise Hotch with the hand translated version. Reid had read both the version in its original Russian and the translated English version. After finding it less than adequate, he’d translated it himself. Today, he was going to give it to Hotch.

Only Reid had thrown his boss’s office door open and taken the cold chill of the empty room like a punch to the gut. Anxiety bubbling its ugly head up at the familiar, usually comforting, scent of Hotch’s cologne but his general absence being… terrifying. 

Seeing Emily react to the same anomaly, he’s glad this isn’t just some demonstration of his tendency to establish unhealthy attachments (it still kind of is but that’s not the point). The twist to her lips makes his heart rise to his throat and he shakily points to Hotch’s desk and the absence of any proof that Hotch might simply be elsewhere in the building. 

“What are we doing, my loves?”

Garcia’s on her own mission. 

It’s Tuesday, bright and early, and Hotch promised to revise and look into her eco-friendly idea about the jet and the paperwork. She’d given him an entire week to review it--- he could do it in a day but she knows he’s busy and stressed and she hates the idea of adding unnecessarily to that. 

She’s been looking forward to today since last week. It seems as if she never really gets to hang out with her boss anymore and the thought has made her so sad. Contrary to what he might convince himself, her love for that grumpy man knows no bounds. Just because he’s not as darkly striking as Emily or whimsical like Dave doesn’t mean he doesn’t bring his own things to the table. She’s really excited to hear him grumble about Strauss in that humorous, sarcasm so dry it cracks way only he manages.

Seeing his empty office upsets her beyond words. He’s the dependable person she knows. He wouldn’t just… “He promised,” she says, not even attempting to hide the fear. “Hotch doesn’t break promises.”

Yeah, that’s what they were afraid of.

Hotch could never see the similarities within himself reflecting into his son. Even now, as they stare so blankly back at him, he doesn’t recognize it. That eerie calm— Haley had always said he was like still water. A danger you never know is there until it’s too late. He could never wrap his mind around figuring out if that was a compliment or not. 

“I’ll come back after school,” Jack promises, the shaky undertone of his soft voice making Hotch’s chest tight. He’s afraid. Reasonably so. The poor kid goes away for a weekend with his cousins. He sets up a campfire with his grandparents. Listens to Aunt Jessica tell him about how his parents fell in love--- leaving out the bits about Aaron’s father and the way the entire town hated the idea of sweet little Haley Brookes getting with that troublemaker Aaron Hotchner.

He has so much fun and comes home to this...

Thinking about his father so young and his mother… for a moment he felt no different than the other kids. 

But he’s always been too much like his father for that.

Jack thinks the world will fall apart if he’s not there to catch it. Just as it had this weekend.

Jessica prays she can teach Jack the lesson Haley could never convince Aaron of, he doesn’t have to save the world. “Come on, baby.” Jessica pats Jack’s shoulder, it’s breaking her heart to have to tear father and son apart. “We’ll be here around three, Aaron,” she promises. 

Her words are lost to him. He’s watching them behind heavily lidded eyes. A nurse had said something about him not sleeping but Jessica had discouraged the idea of sedation. Aaron’s not sleeping for a reason and whatever that reason is, whatever he’s afraid of seeing, is worse than what’s going to happen if he keeps himself awake. They’d rejected her idea of intravenously giving him the medication he’d been prescribed to take as needed for his anxiety— so they have this unhappy medium. 

Where Aaron doesn’t sleep but he’s not losing it either. 

She presses a kiss to his sweaty forehead, “get some sleep, Aaron.” Pushing back some of his unruly hair from his face she can better see the sleepy eyes looking back at her. “I love you.”

Jack squirms uncomfortably. They’re pushing it for school. Another habit picked up of his fathers: the obsessive need to be places earlier than the required time. Jessica can forgive him easily for this but the teachers and the school have already expressed their understanding if Jack is late a few days. 

Not that Jack can extend himself that same courtesy— yet, another habit of his father’s.

She squeezes Aaron’s hand one final time in goodbye and takes Jack’s, leading him from the room. There’s no benefit in sending him to school right now. He’s not paying attention in class, anxious to get back here and make sure Aaron hasn’t died without someone here to constantly remind him what he’s fighting for.

They share a similar fear that in that room by himself Aaron will allow the world to consume him and he’ll just stop fighting. He’ll just die and leave them both. And Jessica had hated him once upon a time but he’s really the only family she has too. She loves Jack to pieces but she has no desire to raise her sister and brother’s son. 

She has no desire to bury Aaron. Not today, not tomorrow--- she’s done burying family. 

All she can hope is that Aaron understands that.

He watches them leave. Jack glances back only once, today he doesn’t silently sob as they make their exit. Hotch’s heart thanks the small boy for that, he can’t handle his son’s tears. It hurts so much more to know that he’s the reason his little boy is so sad. That fear of losing Hotch hasn’t gone away in the years since his mother’s death. It won’t ever really go away. 

Tuesday passes as slowly as Monday. 

He doesn’t eat the breakfast they bring him. Just as he hadn’t eaten the dinner or the lunch they brought him yesterday. While most of the symptoms have died down, like the headache and vertigo, but the trouble breathing and nausea have not abated. Giving him a nasty aversion to the food that already looks unappealing.

He can’t remember much of what happened. After falling asleep to the sound of his phone frantically buzzing he hadn’t woken back up for hours. He has a distant memory of a man in grey—a firefighter— pulling him upright. His legs and body limp and the whole world shifting as he’s lifted and carried out of his bedroom. 

He’d been one of the more severe cases. Exhausted from working for so long, he hadn’t so much as left the building for hours. Meaning while the rest of the building occupants went on about their days-- leaving for church or groceries or dinner plans-- he’d been left to succumb to the symptoms of carbon monoxide alone. 

A boiler in the basement had some malfunction, one of the nurses had told him. Hotch didn’t really care how it happened or why, he just knew he was glad Jack was nowhere near any of this. Even if Jack being home meant things not escalating to this point. Hotch can take the tight feeling in his chest and the difficulty breathing over anything if it means keeping Jack safe… Jack’s all he has.

At least, Jack is all he thinks he has.

The nurse’s face spreads into the softest, happiest smile David Rossi thinks he’s seen in days. The woman, hardly twenty-five, beams and clasps her hands together in her excitement. “You’re here for Aaron?” She motions for them to follow her. “He’s a sweetheart,” she tells them. He really is. Aside from giving her a hard time about his pain level and eating, he’s been her best patient. Never once rude or anything but the picture of calm. 

Well, he’s almost always the picture of calm…

“He’s had a bad day,” she explains simply, stopping in the doorway. She’d come in for what she was quickly learning to be her daily ritual of fighting with the man to eat something and found him sobbing. From there, the nerves he couldn’t control, lack of sleep, and anxiety going unchecked had bubbled into an anxiety attack. The end result—

Dave clears his throat, “is he okay?”

The nurse nods her head, “I stayed with him for a while. He’s just a little groggy. The doctor ordered some sedatives.” He hadn’t lasted long under their heavy influence and she’d checked in on him as many times as she could but he still wasn’t up yet. 

Maybe with his friends here though…

“Thank you,” JJ says, reaching out and squeezing the other woman’s hand. There’s a sad smile on her lips as she says, “we can’t thank you enough for taking care of him.” JJ has to look away before the tears pooling in her eyes spill over. “He’s a very stubborn man but--but we love him dearly.”

The nurse nods her head, sympathetic tears threatening to fall. “He talked about you guys,” so much so she’s fairly certain she knows each of them far more than she should. JJ is the soft blonde, stronger than she knows and still gentle. There’s Dave whose hardened scowl had thrown her off but now she sees the curious brow Aaron had told her about. The stick and bones genius Doctor Reid hadn’t been a hard one to figure out, just like the bright and dazzlingly beautiful Penelope Garcia. Leaving only Emily Prentiss, dark and serious. 

His family. 

“But really,” she says, excusing herself with one last glance at her friend in the room. “He’ll be very pleased you’re here. He never said it but he missed you.” 

Yeah, JJ smiles, that sounds about right.

They enter the room with a soft knock, as to not disturb him if he is sleeping. 

“Good morning, sunshine.” 

It takes hours. By the time that Aaron wakes up, Dave has already called and got the rest of them today and tomorrow off. Derek’s made two trips out for food-- lunch and then the snack that Reid was getting antsy about. Reid’s consumed three Poptarts and if not for Hotch’s eyes cracking open he’d be making for a fourth. However, Reid knows Hotch’s mood will flip like a switch and the last thing he needs is Hotch’s frustration being taken out on him. 

“Ach,” Dave swats at Hotch’s hand. His fingers failing to form a strong enough grasp around the flimsy plastic fo the mask to pull it away from his face. However, the idea is in his head and Dave doesn’t want him to just find that strength. “Something tells me that’s not there for decorations,” Dave says, pulling Hotch’s hand down to his chest. 

Hotch grumbles something, pale lips cashing in words that his lungs can’t check-out. Whatever is lost to his rasps or drowning by the mask is made up for by the eye-roll of angst he sends Dave. Which also loses it’s flavor when he starts hacking up a lung.

“Easy--”

Dave’s soft soothes go unheard and Morgan steps in, pulling Hotch up by his shoulders. There’s a split second where Hotch gags, the sudden movement causing intense nausea, but nothing comes up and he’s left coughing painfully into Morgan’s side. Needing the other man to keep him upright.

“You good,” Morgan asks. He’d picked up a soothing rub of Hotch’s back, moving his large palm in circles until the coughing died down. Until now, as Hotch just leans limply into his side. 

Hotch nods, “thanks.”

Morgan doesn’t go far, he stays close enough to help Hotch lay back down. His dark brows furrowed as his eyes move over Hotch’s strained face. He’s in obvious discomfort and it bothers Morgan to see him like this. “How are you feeling,” Morgan pushes, fidgeting with the blankets bunched up around Hotch’s waist. “You cold?”

Hotch turns his head into the pillows, nodding.

Morgan pulls the blankets up and fixes the mask half pushed off Hotch’s face. He smiles when Hotch just scowls but submits to the movement. Morgan bites back whatever comment he might make about Hotch being particularly grumpy today. It’s hard to believe that you could miss something as simple as someone’s grumpy mumbling but at the thought of losing Hotch… 

“You good,” Morgan asks, one of his hands on Hotch’s shoulder. “You need anything?”

Hotch’s glazed over eyes move over Morgan as if he’s uncertain if he’s really there. Hotch is still fairly under the influence of the sedative working its way through his system. So, his lazy, uncoordinated movement to dislodge the oxygen mask over his face is futile. “Itches,” he slurs, under his breath. 

It’s easier than it should be for Dave to pin Hotch’s hands to his chest once again, just pushing his wrist down. Hotch grunts a little, giving only a little resistance to hold. “Aaron,” Dave chides. “The carbon monoxide in your blood is still elevated so you have to leave the mask alone.” 

The doctor had told them that when Aaron was emitted he’d stopped breathing on his own. The percentage of carbon monoxide in his blood a 48%— one of the highest out of the patients brought in from the incident at the apartment complex. High enough to kill him, as it should have. As it still could.

They’d been assured, upon arrival, that he’s doing exceptionally well considering. But it will take time for his blood to return to normal as it will take time for him to recover. Which he will, recovery that is. He has to. 

He always does.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

10x09: Squeeze - First Thoughts

Hey Everyone! How did you all like 10x09? I loved it! Thought it was fabulous. As per usual, today I’ll just give you some broad, first thoughts. Tomorrow I’ll do details and TTD. After that, I have some predictions. My peeps and I have been discussing what the spoilers told us all week and I have lots of connections to make. So, stay tuned.

***As always, spoilers abound for 10x09 below. Don’t click the ‘Read More’ until you’ve watched! You’ve been warned!***

The first thing that caught my eye was a weird thing Daryl did with a walker hand. A walker grabs Kelly’s leg and is trying to pull her down off the rock and Jerry steps in and cuts the walker’s arm off. Then Daryl asks if he can have the arm. 

Then…it just disappears. I actually re-wound that scene because I thought I missed something. It’s a right hand, btw. (Beth’s cast was on her right hand.) But from what I could tell, Daryl was carrying the walker arm/hand and a flashlight. The next shot (like 2 seconds later) both are gone and he’s carrying a torch. I’m thinking maybe he used the hand to prop up the flashlight so others behind him had light to see by or something. But again, we don’t see what he does with it. Or where/when the torches get lit. So, it’s weird. But there’s a tie to Beth and the fact that it just disappeared. And perhaps the light has something to do with it as well. There are lots of bathroom references in this episode. Some are gross. Can I just say…the whole Alpha/Negan thing is extremely cringe-worthy. *shudders* But even before that, he goes to talk to her when she’s at the latrine. He even makes a butt joke. Then she threatens to cut off his balls and kicks him into the latrine. Ewww.

I didn’t think much about it during that scene, but then Jerry makes a bathroom reference as well (but much less gross). He’s having a hard time crawling through the tiny passages in the cave and Aaron asks if he’s okay. He says something like, “I’m just a 6’2” dude who used to have a hard time fitting in airplane bathrooms. Why wouldn’t everything be alright?” When he said that, it occurred to me how many bathroom references they have in this episode. And we don’t actually see any toilet paper or anything, but the verbal references are there.

For those who don’t remember, we’ve seen a subtle bathroom motif around these kinds of scenes. Weird, I know, but it’s there. Back in S4, when Rick escapes the Claimer house, he does so through a window in the bathroom. Before that, when Carl is exploring the pudding house and loses his shoe, we have a walker that comes out of the bathroom and tries to get him. Carl shoots it in the head—same place Beth is shot—and the walker jumps back up again. So once again, this motif is there and very entangled with Beth symbolism. I definitely felt there were callbacks to Coda in Daryl and Carol’s conversation. Carol says she doesn’t want to just kill Alpha. She wants to torture her and make her beg for forgiveness and THEN kill her. 

It reminded me of Daryl killing Dawn after Beth was shot. And the way Daryl just kind of stares at his hands and nods, I think he must have been thinking of that. And I remember Norman talking about that moment in an interview. He said Daryl might have gone into full murder-mode, killing everyone in the hallway, if Carol hadn’t put her hand on his arm right then and stopped them. Only after she does that does he drop his gun and look down at Beth and cry. So during the scene in this episode, after Carol says that about Alpha, Daryl replies, “If I’d been through what you’ve been through, I’d probably feel the same way. Unless you stopped me.” That simply has to be a reference to Coda. Um…there are long stretches of this episode where the group is literally crawling through dark tunnels. Daryl is always out ahead with a light, so they are crawling through the darkness and toward the light. There’s even a part where Carol starts to have a claustrophobic fit and Daryl says, “come toward my light.” Carol says, “I can’t.” Which is very telling about her state of mind. Though eventually, she does get through.

I’ll talk more about this Daryl-is-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel theme later in the week. I think it’s very important. At one point, Jerry gets stuck and some walkers are behind him, gnawing on his feet. They don’t actually bite him because they don’t get through his boots, but the camera focused on his shoes several times. So foot/shoe reference. Again, more on that in my details post tomorrow.

Let’s talk about the spoilers themselves.  I’m feeling very suspicious about the bird cage spoilers. It’s one of those things that was weirdly specific and not really emphasized in the episode. 

We definitely get a clear shot of the bird cage, but the camera just pans over it. There’s no actual mention of canaries or even that this is a mine. Maybe we’re supposed to glean that from the cage and the dynamite, but honestly, it might have all just been put there by the Whisperers. So I feel like this is one of those times it’s kind of apparent these spoilers might have been reported by AMC itself, and they want us to understand certain details that aren’t actually referenced in the episode.

There were other things that visually reminded me of Beth stuff. The episode did feel a lot like Consumed to me. When Carol fell and Daryl came to get her, it reminded me of Beth falling down the elevator shaft. And given the explosion when the mine caved in, it’s obvious why they would think Connie and Magna are dead. I mean, it was a pretty big explosion. If they’d been at the mouth of the exit when it happened, I’m sure they’d have both died. Only because they ran back in a little ways to fight Whisperers did they survive. There’s probably something symbolic in that. And this may sound really morbid, but even the way the debris and dust exploded kind of reminded me of the way the blood exploded from Beth’s head. So, I’m definitely feeling the parallels here.

We do see Connie and Magna very briefly. For me, it’s obvious that they’re showing us that they survived the blast. After it happens, we get a half-second shot of them turning around inside and then rocks sort of fall over the camera. So it’s like they’re watching their escape route disappear, but we don’t actually see any debris falling on them. So it’s obvious to me that they’re alive, but just trapped. And of course they could technically still die via walker, Whisperer, or just no food/water. It was emphasized several times that the group is very low on food and water, so that was a real concern for them. But the short of it is that we do see that they are okay inside.

I loved it when Daryl and Carol talked about not always telling each other everything. It came from the fact that Daryl told everyone Carol was claustrophobic and she was genuinely surprised he knew that about her. I think this is them acknowledging that they don’t talk about everything to one another, but also that, even though they don’t, the other one still knows.

So, I think it’s a way of pointing out that Daryl has never talked to anyone about Beth. Carol has also never talked to anyone about Lizzie and Mica (that we know of) or about Henry. Or about Sam. And it occurs to me that we know, via Henry, that she talked to Zeke about Ed and how abusive he was, but we’ve never been told that she talked to him about her lost children. To be fair, Daryl never talked to anyone about Denise, either, or anyone else he’s lost. But I think the emphasis here is also that the two of them (Daryl and Carol), because they’re so similar, can look at one another and know what the other one isn’t saying.

Maybe it seems fairly obvious on the surface. I mean, for anyone who looked at Daryl digging Denise’s grave, and stopping mid-shovelful to drink hard liquor, it’s obvious that this man is in an immense deal of pain. But the point is, even when he doesn’t tell her stuff, Carol still knows him well enough to understand what he’s going through, and vice versa.

It’s why she gave him Beth’s knife and wouldn’t let him go off on his own much during Them. And now the tables are turned. Just because Carol doesn’t talk to him about stuff, Daryl still looks at her and knows she’s not right in the head. Once again, the problem is that they don’t know how to heal each other. Carol isn’t responding to Daryl any more than he responded to her in Them or Twice as Far. At one point in this episode, he even says (and I paraphrase) “I want to be there for you, but I don’t know what else to do.”

I also think this may be a tongue-in-cheek way of the writers telling us to read between the lines. It’s almost kind of the “what cannot be seen” theme, except it’s “what is not being spoken.” 

The last thing I’ll say is that the final scene with Daryl and Carol is very sad. I don’t think spoilers mentioned this but Daryl actually breaks down and starts crying. Like, a lot. I’m sure there will be drama in the fandom over this scene. The Carylers will, of course, say it’s because he’s in love with Carol and she’s being destructive. Others will say it’s because he’s in love with Connie.

Honestly, I think it was a little of both. (I mean both because of Carol and Connie, not because he’s in love with either of them.) My first impression was that he was just crying because Carol was crying. He points an accusatory finger at her first, so he’s obviously angry and blaming her. But when someone you know well breaks down, it always kind of makes you break down too, and I think there’s an element of that in it. Like, it’s just a sad situation and he’s sort of sympathizing with her.

But I also think it’s because Carol’s break down him to face the idea that Connie might be dead. Before she started crying and telling him to say it was her fault, he was sort of in his determined, I’m-gonna-figure-this-out Daryl mode. I think it made him stop and realize that Carol thinks Connie is dead and she might well be (from his point of view) so he cried because of that too. Again, just a very sad, poignant scene. I’ll stop there for now. Details coming tomorrow. Overall, I really thought this was a great episode. What did you think? 

[dfroza]

“i love you so much!”

And the need of learning to get along, including the things we choose to think about, that we meditate upon is seen written to us in Today’s reading of the Letter of Philippians with chapter 4:

My dear, dear friends! I love you so much. I do want the very best for you. You make me feel such joy, fill me with such pride. Don’t waver. Stay on track, steady in God.

[Pray About Everything]

I urge Euodia and Syntyche to iron out their differences and make up. God doesn’t want his children holding grudges.

And, oh, yes, Syzygus, since you’re right there to help them work things out, do your best with them. These women worked for the Message hand in hand with Clement and me, and with the other veterans—worked as hard as any of us. Remember, their names are also in the Book of Life.

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

[Content Whatever the Circumstances]

I’m glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you’re again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don’t mean that your help didn’t mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles.

You Philippians well know, and you can be sure I’ll never forget it, that when I first left Macedonia province, venturing out with the Message, not one church helped out in the give-and-take of this work except you. You were the only one. Even while I was in Thessalonica, you helped out—and not only once, but twice. Not that I’m looking for handouts, but I do want you to experience the blessing that issues from generosity.

And now I have it all—and keep getting more! The gifts you sent with Epaphroditus were more than enough, like a sweet-smelling sacrifice roasting on the altar, filling the air with fragrance, pleasing God no end. You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes.

Give our regards to every follower of Jesus you meet. Our friends here say hello. All the Christians here, especially the believers who work in the palace of Caesar, want to be remembered to you.

Receive and experience the amazing grace of the Master, Jesus Christ, deep, deep within yourselves.

The Letter of Philippians, Chapter 4 (The Message)

with these lines repeated in The Voice that reflects upon allowing the peace of God to guard us from worry and fear:

For this reason, brothers and sisters, my joy and crown whom I dearly love, I cannot wait to see you again. Continue to stand firm in the Lord, and follow my instructions in this letter, beloved. Euodia and Syntyche, I urge you to put aside your differences, agree, and work together in the Lord. Yes, Syzygus, loyal friend, I enlist you to please help these women. They, along with brother Clement and many others, have worked by my side to spread the good news of the gospel. They have their names recorded in the book of life.

Most of all, friends, always rejoice in the Lord! I never tire of saying it: Rejoice! Keep your gentle nature so that all people will know what it looks like to walk in His footsteps. The Lord is ever present with us. Don’t be anxious about things; instead, pray. Pray about everything. He longs to hear your requests, so talk to God about your needs and be thankful for what has come. And know that the peace of God (a peace that is beyond any and all of our human understanding) will stand watch over your hearts and minds in Jesus, the Anointed One.

Finally, brothers and sisters, fill your minds with beauty and truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, whatever is virtuous and praiseworthy. Keep to the script: whatever you learned and received and heard and saw in me—do it—and the God of peace will walk with you.

The Letter of Philippians, Chapter 4:1-9 (The Voice)

with Today’s paired chapter being Exodus 8 where we see the continued stubbornness of Pharaoh in facing Moses and Aaron and their request (God’s request) to let the Jews go:

[Strike Two: Frogs]

God said to Moses, “Go to Pharaoh and tell him, ‘God’s Message: Release my people so they can worship me. If you refuse to release them, I’m warning you, I’ll hit the whole country with frogs. The Nile will swarm with frogs—they’ll come up into your houses, into your bedrooms and into your beds, into your servants’ quarters, among the people, into your ovens and pots and pans. They’ll be all over you, all over everyone—frogs everywhere, on and in everything!’”

God said to Moses, “Tell Aaron, ‘Wave your staff over the rivers and canals and ponds. Bring up frogs on the land of Egypt.’”

Aaron stretched his staff over the waters of Egypt and a mob of frogs came up and covered the country.

But again the magicians did the same thing using their incantations—they also produced frogs in Egypt.

Pharaoh called in Moses and Aaron and said, “Pray to God to rid us of these frogs. I’ll release the people so that they can make their sacrifices and worship God.”

Moses said to Pharaoh, “Certainly. Set the time. When do you want the frogs out of here, away from your servants and people and out of your houses? You’ll be rid of frogs except for those in the Nile.”

“Make it tomorrow.”

Moses said, “Tomorrow it is—so you’ll realize that there is no God like our God. The frogs will be gone. You and your houses and your servants and your people, free of frogs. The only frogs left will be the ones in the Nile.”

Moses and Aaron left Pharaoh, and Moses prayed to God about the frogs he had brought on Pharaoh. God responded to Moses’ prayer: The frogs died off—houses, courtyards, fields, all free of frogs. They piled the frogs in heaps. The country reeked of dead frogs.

But when Pharaoh saw that he had some breathing room, he got stubborn again and wouldn’t listen to Moses and Aaron. Just as God had said.

[Strike Three: Gnats]

God said to Moses, “Tell Aaron, ‘Take your staff and strike the dust. The dust will turn into gnats all over Egypt.’”

He did it. Aaron grabbed his staff and struck the dust of the Earth; it turned into gnats, gnats all over people and animals. All the dust of the Earth turned into gnats, gnats everywhere in Egypt.

The magicians tried to produce gnats with their incantations but this time they couldn’t do it. There were gnats everywhere, all over people and animals.

The magicians said to Pharaoh, “This is God’s doing.” But Pharaoh was stubborn and wouldn’t listen. Just as God had said.

[Strike Four: Flies]

God said to Moses, “Get up early in the morning and confront Pharaoh as he goes down to the water. Tell him, ‘God’s Message: Release my people so they can worship me. If you don’t release my people, I’ll release swarms of flies on you, your servants, your people, and your homes. The houses of the Egyptians and even the ground under their feet will be thick with flies. But when it happens, I’ll set Goshen where my people live aside as a sanctuary—no flies in Goshen. That will show you that I am God in this land. I’ll make a sharp distinction between your people and mine. This sign will occur tomorrow.’”

And God did just that. Thick swarms of flies in Pharaoh’s palace and the houses of his servants. All over Egypt, the country ruined by flies.

Pharaoh called in Moses and Aaron and said, “Go ahead. Sacrifice to your God—but do it here in this country.”

Moses said, “That would not be wise. What we sacrifice to our God would give great offense to Egyptians. If we openly sacrifice what is so deeply offensive to Egyptians, they’ll kill us. Let us go three days’ journey into the wilderness and sacrifice to our God, just as he instructed us.”

Pharaoh said, “All right. I’ll release you to go and sacrifice to your God in the wilderness. Only don’t go too far. Now pray for me.”

Moses said, “As soon as I leave here, I will pray to God that tomorrow the flies will leave Pharaoh, his servants, and his people. But don’t play games with us and change your mind about releasing us to sacrifice to God.”

Moses left Pharaoh and prayed to God. God did what Moses asked. He got rid of the flies from Pharaoh and his servants and his people. There wasn’t a fly left. But Pharaoh became stubborn once again and wouldn’t release the people.

The Book of Exodus, Chapter 8 (The Message)

my personal reading of the Scriptures for Wednesday, march 25 of 2020 with a paired chapter from each Testament along with Today’s Psalms and Proverbs

[thevelvetpapers]

Revolution!

Part: 1/?

Summary: Alex moves to New York and goes to a new school. Here, there is a snotty rich kid that renders everyone powerless. How can the rise up and free them? And how do they keep themselves free?

Dedications: @jamiiton and @hamilton-canyouimagine because they are amazing and @hamilteens because they gave me the idea.

Warnings: None really.

A/N: Ahhhhhhhhh okay this is my first fanfic that I’ve written so pleeeaaassse tell me if you like it and feel free to give me feedback!!!

Alex walked into the pristine lobby. He felt his kneecaps quiver and his fingertips shake. He took a few deep breaths, attempting to calm down. His eyes darted back and forth as he attempted to find his locker.

Suddenly, a bell rang, and soon after, people started trickling out of classroom doors. Soon enough, the throng of people flooding the halls was overwhelming for Alex. He ran into a restroom stall and tried to gather his thoughts.

Several deep breaths later, Alex walked out of the restroom and into the cafeteria. The cafeteria was filled with people conversing and carrying on. It filled Alex with a newly found sense of anxiety, and he ducked his head as he passed through.

Alex looked around and found a kid reading a book. He nodded to himself and turned the page. He had dark brown skin and a tired look. Alex knew that he was looking for him.

“Um, pardon me, are you Aaron Burr?… Sir?” Alex squeaked quietly.

“Sir?” Aaron chuckled to himself. “Who’s asking?” Alex mentally kicked himself.

“Me. I’m Alexander Hamilton. I heard of you at my old school and when I heard that you went here I was glad because, you see, I want to get ahead and I told this guy that said that he was a friend of yours said that I was stupid – I’m NOT stupid! – and I heard that you skipped a grade twice! How did you do it?!“

Aaron’s jaw had dropped to the ground. He could only squeak.

“Um, it was my parents dying wish before they passed… ” Aaron looked back down to his book.

“Really? My parents died as well. Well, my mother died. I don’t know where my dad is. But, I wish we had like a, a, a… An opportunity to show that we’re more than what we seem.” A smirk crept on Aaron’s face.

“Sit down with me,” Aaron patted the space next to him. Alex walked over and sat down. “Let me give you some free advice.”

“Oka-”

“Talk less.” Aaron put his finger to his lips. Then he poked his cheek. “Smile more.”

“Huh….” Alex shifted in his seat.

“Don’t let them know what you are against, or, what you are for.”

“Who’s ‘them’- you’re joking.”

“Well, you said you wanted to get ahead.”

“Yeah-”

“If you run your mouth off, you’ll practically wind up being dead.”

“What?” Alex started but he was interrupted.

���Ayyyyyy! What time is it y'all?!” A guy called out. He had light tan skin, sprinkled with freckles, and he had curly brown hair pulled back into a ponytail.

“ It’s showtime!“ The other guy responded. He was wearing a blue-gray beanie and a long brown jacket. The kid next to him wasn’t talking much, but he was grinning excitedly. He had dark brown, curly hair pulled back into a ponytail, and he had a dark peach fuzz mustache forming. Aaron put his hand over his hand and sighed. The boy with the light brown hair turned to Alex and Aaron.

“Well, would you look who it is,” He walked over and the others followed. “It’s AA Battery! What are you up to today man?“ Aaron chuckled and sat his book down.

“Oh, you know, the usual, keeping my mouth shut and minding my own business. How about you?”

“Plotting to depose the king.” The kid with the dark curly hair chimed in. He had a heavy French accent.

“Ha.” Aaron said sarcastically.

“It’s inevitable.” The light skinned boy said.

Alex knew who they were talking about. At his old school, he had heard that there was a guy that reigned over everyone. Yeah, they had cliques and stuff, but this guy practically ruled over them. (Alex thought that the kid was over exaggerating, but then he actually got here.)

“Aaron,” Alex started. Aaron and the other three looked over. “If you stand for nothing… What will you fall for?” Aaron raised an eyebrow.

“Oooooo,” The others chortled.

“Who are you?” The light skinned boy asked. Alex stood up.

“I’m Alexander Hamilton. I moved here from the Caribbean aaaaaaaand yep.” The boy in the beanie chuckled.

“I’m John Laurens.” He smirked at Alex and then to the boy in the beanie.

“I’m Hercules Mulligan.” He patted Alex’s back with a lot of force that it made him stumble forward a bit.

“And I am Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette.” Alex’s jaw slacked a little. “But of course, you can call me ‘Lafayette’.” Alex chuckled.

“Um, it was nice meeting you all!” Alex said bashfully. “Maybe I’ll see you guys around.” He patted Aaron’s shoulder lightly and started to walk off. John took his shoulder.

“Wait.” Alex felt his fave grow a light shade of pink. He turned around.

“Are you doing anything after school?”

“No.” John smiled.

“Well then maybe you could come and hang with us. Aaron?” Aaron looked up from his book.

“Yes?”

“You want to hang out with us later?” Aaron smirked.

“I’ll pass.”

“If you say so.“ Lafayette said. John checked his watch.

“It’s about time to go,” He looked back at Alex. “See you later Alexander Hamilton.” He smirked and started to walk off.

“Au revoir Alexander!” Lafayette walked off and Hercules trailed behind him and waved Alex goodbye. Alex turned back to Aaron. He took a deep breath and looked back at Alex. He stood up.

“Goodbye Alexander,” Aaron gathered his things. “See you around.” He patted Alex’s back and walked off.

Alex was cheering in his head. He had met a great group of guys and they invited him to hang out later. Alex couldn’t wipe the wide smile off of his face.

[dailychapel]

Dear Lord, thank you for allowing me to awake to yet another beautiful day. I am grateful for the beauty of the sun and Your other creations. Despite sometimes forgetting to proclaim my thanks, I am overjoyed by the wonders around me. Thank you for my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

[Psa 80:1-11 NLT] 1 For the choir director: A psalm of Asaph, to be sung to the tune "Lilies of the Covenant." Please listen, O Shepherd of Israel, you who lead Joseph's descendants like a flock. O God, enthroned above the cherubim, display your radiant glory 2 to Ephraim, Benjamin, and Manasseh. Show us your mighty power. Come to rescue us! 3 Turn us again to yourself, O God. Make your face shine down upon us. Only then will we be saved. 4 O LORD God of Heaven's Armies, how long will you be angry with our prayers? 5 You have fed us with sorrow and made us drink tears by the bucketful. 6 You have made us the scorn of neighboring nations. Our enemies treat us as a joke. 7 Turn us again to yourself, O God of Heaven's Armies. Make your face shine down upon us. Only then will we be saved. 8 You brought us from Egypt like a grapevine; you drove away the pagan nations and transplanted us into your land. 9 You cleared the ground for us, and we took root and filled the land. 10 Our shade covered the mountains; our branches covered the mighty cedars. 11 We spread our branches west to the Mediterranean Sea; our shoots spread east to the Euphrates River.

[Num 20:1-13 NLT] 1 In the first month of the year, the whole community of Israel arrived in the wilderness of Zin and camped at Kadesh. While they were there, Miriam died and was buried. 2 There was no water for the people to drink at that place, so they rebelled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The people blamed Moses and said, "If only we had died in the LORD's presence with our brothers! 4 Why have you brought the congregation of the LORD's people into this wilderness to die, along with all our livestock? 5 Why did you make us leave Egypt and bring us here to this terrible place? This land has no grain, no figs, no grapes, no pomegranates, and no water to drink!" 6 Moses and Aaron turned away from the people and went to the entrance of the Tabernacle, where they fell face down on the ground. Then the glorious presence of the LORD appeared to them, 7 and the LORD said to Moses, 8 "You and Aaron must take the staff and assemble the entire community. As the people watch, speak to the rock over there, and it will pour out its water. You will provide enough water from the rock to satisfy the whole community and their livestock." 9 So Moses did as he was told. He took the staff from the place where it was kept before the LORD. 10 Then he and Aaron summoned the people to come and gather at the rock. "Listen, you rebels!" he shouted. "Must we bring you water from this rock?" 11 Then Moses raised his hand and struck the rock twice with the staff, and water gushed out. So the entire community and their livestock drank their fill. 12 But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you did not trust me enough to demonstrate my holiness to the people of Israel, you will not lead them into the land I am giving them!" 13 This place was known as the waters of Meribah (which means "arguing") because there the people of Israel argued with the LORD, and there he demonstrated his holiness among them.

[Luk 7:36-50 NLT] 36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. 37 When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. 38 Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them. 39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She's a sinner!" 40 Then Jesus answered his thoughts. "Simon," he said to the Pharisee, "I have something to say to you." "Go ahead, Teacher," Simon replied. 41 Then Jesus told him this story: "A man loaned money to two people--500 pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. 42 But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?" 43 Simon answered, "I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt." "That's right," Jesus said. 44 Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, "Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn't offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You didn't greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. 47 "I tell you, her sins--and they are many--have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love." 48 Then Jesus said to the woman, "Your sins are forgiven." 49 The men at the table said among themselves, "Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?" 50 And Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.

Lord Jesus Christ, send us out with confidence in your word, to tell the world of your saving acts, and bring glory to your name. Amen.

[ecotone99]

[MF] Savannah's Sorry

Logline: A woman struggles with a car accident that killed a young woman, she can finally put it behind her but first has to meet the young woman's mother.

_____________

Savannah Appleton was stressed out, her daughter, Beth, was sick, her son, Jackson, was not doing what she told him to do, and her husband, Jack, broke the dishwasher. He was unable to repair it himself, and as a result, the kitchen was flooded. She's had better days.

"You know, I told you to find someone to fix that, but you just had to fix it yourself," said Savannah.

"Yeah, it looks worse than it really is, it just looks like a lot of water because it’s spread all over the place. Unless you block it from going to the living room, it's going to make the carpet wet," Jack says. Savannah begins placing paper towels on the border between the kitchen and the living room, soaking right through the carpet.

"Great, now we're going to have to replace the carpets after this, this is completely insane,"

Savannah says. The dog starts barking outside,

"The dog is still outside! Jackson!" Savannah shouts.

"What?" Jackson yells from his bedroom over the sound of his video game.

"Ten minutes ago, I asked you to take the dog in, he's going to get off the leash again," Savannah says.

"I'm going to get to that in a sec," Jackson says. Meanwhile, the situation with Jack and the dishwasher has gone from bad to worse; now, water is pouring out of the sink as well.

"I can't do this anymore, I have to meet our tax advisor at three," Savannah says, giving up the paper towel remedy, and letting the water right through to the carpet. Jack puts his hands up in a rage, "There you go, just let the water into the rug, that's a great job," Jack says sarcastically. Savannah starts walking to the door, as Beth comes out of her bedroom,

"What is going on here?" Beth says that she takes two steps towards the kitchen, smelled the dirty water, and proceeded to vomit on the floor, mixing the dirty water with her vomit.

"You really couldn't make it to the bathroom, I'm out of here, I'm going to be sick," Savannah says in desperation.

Savannah begins leaving the house; she sees their dog running away with a leash still attached to its collar. She offered up a little chase, but the dog got away, and she gave up on that, too.

"Not my problem," Savannah says, having given up entirely on this day.

While driving along a wooded rural road, Savannah starts to cry, frustrated by all the bad things that are going on today, her children, her husband and that stupid dishwasher, and that damn dog. She's in a trance, driven this commute a thousand times in her life. The road is about to narrow, and she slows down a little, tears streaming down her face making it hard to see, out of the blue, a car heading in the opposite direction has to swerve and hit a tree. Savannah gets out of the car quickly, runs over to the other car, the driver, a woman in her twenties, hit her head pretty hard on the steering wheel, and she was bleeding. Savannah took her phone out and called 911.

"Hey, can you hear me, my God," Savannah says to herself. She taps the girl's shoulder through the shattered driver's side window; her head falls awkwardly. Savannah knows that this girl has broken her neck; she's dead. Savannah's gasping for air; she's in a panic attack. What did she do? Her foolish crying killed this girl.

The paramedics came, it doesn't look good, the young girl wasn't breathing. Savannah feels guilty and accompanies the ambulance to the emergency room where the girl is pronounced dead. She's in shock; she sees the girl's mother running into the emergency room, weeping, hearing the news, nurses have to catch her or else she'd collapse. Savannah can't bear it any longer and left the hospital.

She's a mess when she comes home. She steps into a house that's an inch deep in water, bits of vomit still visible through the floodwaters and a dog leash that hasn't returned yet. She doesn't care, Savannah lies on the couch, and just looks ahead, she's inconsolable.

"What's wrong?" Jack asks. Savannah is not responsive. Eventually, she tells them about the crash, and they're trying to comfort her, but she can't stop crying.

Later that night, they watch the news, the car crash is the lead story, at the end of the story they say,

"Sadly, the 24-year-old, Alexandra Morgan, died of injuries sustained by the crash, a young life cut short." They show an image of this beautiful girl laughing, and Savannah can't take it, she goes to the bedroom and cries herself to sleep.

Savannah attends the funeral anonymously, visiting from afar. She didn't want to see the girl's mother, so she left the funeral when it was halfway through.

A month passes by; Savannah refuses to drive a car, sees a therapist twice a week, and is haunted by the belief that she is responsible for the death of Alexandra. Her family does all they can to try to help her get through this accident; Savannah just sinks further into depression.

During the middle of the night, Jack wakes up and finds that Savannah is gone. He gets up to find her and locates her in her car, with the engine running in the garage. Savannah is trying to kill herself. Jack sits in the passenger seat and turns the engine off and consoles her.

"We'll call your therapist in the morning," Jack says as Savannah nods her head. She starts to take part in therapy three days a week and begins to feel better. Savannah is finally able to get out of her depression. When she's ready, her therapist suggests that she put the accident behind her, go and visit Alexandra's mother, and offer her condolences.

Savannah goes to meet with Alexandra's mother. She rings the doorbell, and Mary, the mother, responds. She invites her in, and they have tea, Savannah keeps it together,

"I just want to say how profoundly sorry I am, I was at all the memorials, she was a great girl with a lot of friends," Savannah says.

"Thank you; I appreciate you saying that it's been a tough couple of months," Mary says. Savannah gets a glimpse of the family photo on the fireplace, that's enough to set her off, she starts weeping, shaking her head, Mary takes control of the situation and holds her close.

"Now, let's put it in the past," Mary says.

"It's all my fault, this beautiful girl, taken so unexpectedly, I can't sleep nights, I don't want to live any longer," Savannah says.

"Now, stop that right now, that doesn't do anyone any good. Alexandra was a beautiful young girl, but she was troubled," Mary says, Savannah stops and pulls away.

"What do you mean by that?" Savannah asks.

"We kept this out of the press, but Alexandra had attempted suicide once before the accident; in truth, it was just a few days before the accident," Mary says.

"You don't think?" Savannah asks. Mary shakes her head and starts to weep.

Alexandra stares at her phone, staring at a text, it's a week old now, but the pain is fresh.

"I think we should see other people." from her former boyfriend, Aaron. Alexandra throws her phone and it hits the wall, leaving a dent. Mary pops her head in the room,

"Is everything alright?" Mary asks.

"Please leave me alone, nothing in life will ever work out," Alexandra says.

"You need to stop this talk, what did the doctor say, concentrate on getting better, concentrate on the future," Mary replied.

"I'm done with all this nonsense," Alexandra says as she gets up. "Give me the keys to my car!" Alexandra screamed.

"No, you know what the doctor said, you just need to stay at home and get better," Mary says.

"I'm a prisoner in this house, I need to get out, I'm going nuts!" Alexandra says as she storms out of the room, followed by Mary. Alexandra goes to the dining room where she takes the tea kettle from on top of the fireplace and empties it on the dining room table. Rummaging through a bunch of keys, she eventually finds the keys to her car.

"No, no, if you're going anywhere, I'm going to drive you," Mary says as she pulls her back into the house and tries to take the keys. Alexandra pushes her mom away.

"Sorry, Mom," she says as she turns out the front door. Mary opens the door again,

" I love..." Mary attempts to say, but Alexandra has already taken off.

Alexandra drives down the wooded and rural road; the radio is on, it's distracting, so she turns it off. Tears are running down her face; Alexandra closes her eyes. There is a narrow part of the road coming up. Her car is in the middle, but Alexandra's eyes are closed and she can't see the turn, her car begins to drift, misses Savannah's car entirely, and hit the tree.

submitted by /u/patrickryan182 [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2REckHI

[flauntpage]

Your Friday Morning Roundup

Football is back.

The Eagles lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-14.

The season is over! (But the team lost their preseason opener last year and won the Super Bowl). So hold your horses.

There was plenty of good and bad from the preseason opener, but here were some of my notes:

The first team defense is still a unit I wouldn’t want to face. Especially with Long Cox.

Dallas Goedert had one easy drop, but looked like the real deal. Imagine him and Zach Ertz in the red zone.

Nate Sudfeld started off meh but rebounded very well.

One of Sudfeld’s best moments was a 63-yard bomb to Shelton Gibson. That was his only catch, but at least he didn’t drop any passes!

Shelton Gibson flies down the field! This is what we hoped to see from him pic.twitter.com/W0w86dJfx7

— Tyler Jackson (@TjackRH) August 10, 2018

Kamu Grugier-Hill also showed that he isn’t just a special teams ace anymore. He was really good in his time at the WILL linebacker spot. Nate Gerry also had a good night.

Rasul Douglas got toasted twice for touchdowns, but did have an interception. He had a mixed night.

Tre Sullivan attacked a little too much. He’s had a solid camp but regressed a little in the loss.

Jordan Mailata gave up a strip sack in his first career snap. He held his own later, but it’s obvious he needs work.

Sidney Jones got hurt in the second quarter, but he said it was only an ankle sprain. Thank God. He also got the team’s first penalty with the new helmet rule. And it was obvious.

Cam Johnston boomed a punt, but it was called back due to a flag:

A penalty took this 81-YARD PUNT from Cameron Johnston off the box score, but this highlight still exists.#FlyEaglesFly pic.twitter.com/sbzSwxPMQH

— Philadelphia Eagles (@Eagles) August 10, 2018

If you’re interested in the position battles, Donnel Pumphrey, Matt Jones, and Markus Wheaton didn’t play. That really hurts Pumphrey as we saw a ton of Josh Adams and Wendell Smallwood. The undrafted free agent from Notre Dame finished with six rushes for 30 yards and two catches for 11 yards.

We also have this?

During #Eagles #steelers pre season game their was at least one Pittsburgh football found that was VERY deflated . The #NFL has the Football and is investigating. I saw the FB after incompletion and it was like a marshmallow. @SportsRadioWIP

— Howard Eskin (@howardeskin) August 10, 2018

To follow up the question in this story of my report, the FB was discovered in 3rd Qt with Mason Rudolph at QB. Report: Deflated Football Used By Steelers Being Investigated By NFL – https://t.co/OCxFpcCrzE

— Howard Eskin (@howardeskin) August 10, 2018

Before the game, Malcolm Jenkins and De’Vante Bausby raised their fists during the national anthem. Chris Long put his hand on Jenkins’ shoulder in solidarity like he did for most of last year. Michael Bennett was the only Eagle to wait in the tunnel.

Before we enjoy this game lets take some time to ponder that more than 60% of the prison population are people of color. The NFL is made up of 70% African Americans. What you witness on the field does not represent the reality of everyday America. We are the anomalies… pic.twitter.com/gCeNKuTl1d

— Malcolm Jenkins (@MalcolmJenkins) August 9, 2018

Two Dolphins players took a knee before their game against the Buccaneers. President Trump fired off more tweets about it.

The NFL players are at it again – taking a knee when they should be standing proudly for the National Anthem. Numerous players, from different teams, wanted to show their “outrage” at something that most of them are unable to define. They make a fortune doing what they love……

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 10, 2018

…..Be happy, be cool! A football game, that fans are paying soooo much money to watch and enjoy, is no place to protest. Most of that money goes to the players anyway. Find another way to protest. Stand proudly for your National Anthem or be Suspended Without Pay!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 10, 2018

At halftime of the game, owner Jeffrey Lurie announced Seth Joyner and Clyde Simmons as the newest inductees into the Eagles Hall of Fame. They’ll be inducted on September 23 against the Indianapolis Colts.

The Birds are off today and have their second open practice tomorrow morning at 10 AM. They’ll play in Foxborough next week against the Patriots, who lost in the Super Bowl to the Eagles.

The Eagles also got a very special Bud Light can.

The Roundup:

The Phils had a day off as they get ready to take on the Padres tonight at 10:10 PM on NBC Sports Philadelphia. Zach Eflin will take the mound.

Pat Neshek believes the Phils can be the next Astros.

“I kind of went through this with the Astros in 2015,” Neshek said this week, reflecting on the Phillies’ progress. The Astros “had a good, young core. They had the resources to add free agents during the time I was there. It feels real similar to that. I think we’re actually ahead of where the Astros were in ’15. I think we’re in a lot better place.”

Neshek admitted he “didn’t have a clue” about which of the Phillies’ young hitters would emerge. His view of the team’s chances stemmed more from his belief in the potential of the young starting rotation.

Aaron Nola’s 3.00 ERA over his final 18 starts last season gave him the look of an ace-in-the-making. Vince Velasquez, Nick Pivetta, Jerad Eickhoff, and Zach Eflin all had their moments, inconsistent as they were, to make Neshek think they could be reliable.

“I thought, if you could get those guys to step up,” Neshek said. “And God, they’ve stepped up.”

The team unveiled their Players’ Weekend uniforms and nameplates for their series against the Blue Jays.

Did you know Gabe Kapler was a K-Swiss guy back in the day?

Zhaire Smith’s surgery went well. The team gave no timetable on his return:

Medical update on Zhaire Smith: pic.twitter.com/bJ3QqqThHL

— Philadelphia 76ers (@sixers) August 10, 2018

Flyers prospect Matthew Strome is working on his skating with a former Olympian figure skater.

Barbara Underhill, who was a world pair champion in 1984, is now prominent in the hockey world. She’s worked with several NHL teams and is currently a skating development consultant for the Maple Leafs.

Strome connected with her through a friend. The two have worked together and are doing so again this summer in Toronto, practicing two to three times a week.

“She’s helped me so much the past couple of summers,” Strome said, “so it’s going to keep getting better.

“Just working on everything really — stride, fast feet and edges, just getting a bit of everything in.”

In other sports news, there were plenty of other preseason games.

Dez Bryant is going to start his visits next weekend with Cleveland.

Starting my visits next week…I’m coming to the Land to see you Mr Dorsey

— Dez Bryant (@DezBryant) August 10, 2018

…I played with a broken foot before based of emotions trying to satisfy the fans.. that didn’t work out to well for me…so this time I choosing to be 100 % for sure.. I’ll take all the time I need to show who I am… I have a legit 3years left https://t.co/LV5jBgNMwS

— Dez Bryant (@DezBryant) August 9, 2018

It appears he’s a big Browns guy:

Phone died…Ok Baker

— Dez Bryant (@DezBryant) August 9, 2018

Ok DAWG POUND!

— Dez Bryant (@DezBryant) August 9, 2018

Cam Newton had some words for Kelvin Benjamin:

Cam Newton shares words with Bill's Kelvin Benjamin video by @jsiner #keeppounding pic.twitter.com/THqZybFLpg

— Matt Walsh (@MWalshMedia) August 9, 2018

The latest edition of RADIO WARS features Mike Missanelli against Jimmy Kempski.

The NBA is really popular on social media.

Kate Upton helped save Justin Verlander from depression.

Jaylen Brown believes the Celtics will win the East.

Heath Evans says he was fired unfairly by the NFL Network.

In the news, two people are dead after a drive-by shooting in North Philly.

The new “Space Force” might be ready to go by 2020.

Starbucks is adding Kombucha. Whatever that is.

The post Your Friday Morning Roundup appeared first on Crossing Broad.

Your Friday Morning Roundup published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[actsoflancaster-blog]

“The Game, the Brain and the Scary Truth” -by Joseph H. Lucas PsyD

 Aaron Hernandez Had Severe C.T.E. When He Died at Age 27

The Game, the Brain and the Scary Truth

- by Joseph H. Lucas PsyD

 For many football players across the country Mini Camp or summer practice will soon begin for “Pop Warner” through College and even the National Football League (NFL).  Though many parents, coaches, athletic trainers and team physicians will be focused on ensuring players safety from heat exhaustion.

 The most publicised and perhaps most important aspects of the game, “Player Safety” will be put to the test.  The terms “Player Safety” and “Heads Up Football,” mean brain safety.  Through the promotion “correct” tackling technique which is not leading and tackling with the crown of one’s helmet and the teaching of “better tackling techniques,” such as tackling with your “head up looking straight ahead at your target,” safer football’s goal is for players to sustain fewer concussions and Mild Traumatic Brain Injury (MTBI).  

 We now know the dangers of head injuries in sports and any of life’s arenas can have immediate and life-altering effects.  For instance, Twice concussion syndrome (sustaining a significant concussion, before the sequela or adverse neurological and neuropsychological symptoms for the initial concussion have abated) can lead to death and/or permanent brain damage.  The latest brain research and cadaver brain studies indicate that multiple concussions and MTBI can lead to Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE), an inorganic and devastating brain “disease” that ultimately leads to death.

Many parents across the country may be considering or even acting upon not allowing their children to participate in football due to the inherent dangers that the game presents to their children’s brains.  Our brains control every organ and process in our body; from our heart rate, blood pressure to thoughts and emotions, even creativity, it is not surprising that parents may balk when signing the consent or permission to play form.

 Perhaps the sport that has arisen to “America’s New Pastime,” but increased awareness of the dangers that lurk inside each and every game, and the lack of evidence to support the fact that tackling with “heads up” is reducing any or immediate or long-term term brain damages, would make this parent get “writer's cramp” when it would come to sign the parental consent form to play football.  You may ask why would an ex-high school cornerback and quarterback make such a blasphemous statement?  Then, I direct you to read the disturbing and sobering article regarding Aaron Hernandez, who at just 27  years old was posthumously diagnosed with Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE).  The Ex-New England Patriot and All-Pro Football Player died of a suicide inside the walls of a prison and it is not doubted in my mind that his murderous behavior turned suicidal; both most definitely due to playing football and sustaining multiple concussions and MTBI.”  So read on and hold on for the ride and I warn you, you made need a box of tissues.

 “BOSTON — The brain arrived in April, delivered to the basement of the hospital without ceremony, like all the others. There were a few differences with this one — not because it was more important, but because it was more notorious.

It went to the lab outside the city, instead of the one in Boston, where most of the examinations are performed these days, because it was less likely to attract attention that way. Instead of being carried in through the service entrance, it was ushered in secretly through the underground tunnel system. The brain was given a pseudonym, and only three people knew how to identify it.Other than that, the brain came alone and disconnected from its past, unattached to its celebrity. The sordid details of the man’s rise and fall, the speculation over what went wrong, the debate over justice — all that was left behind for others to assess.

It was just a brain, not large or small, not deformed or extraordinary in appearance, an oblong and gelatinous coil weighing 1,573 grams, or about three and a half pounds, just carved from the skull of a 27-year-old man. The coroner took special care, and it arrived hours later in near-perfect condition.

“They handled everything beautifully,” the neuropathologist said.

The laboratory was a 30-minute drive from the prison where the man hanged himself a night or two earlier. His name was familiar to the scientists, just as he was to people throughout New England and many around the country. Now his brain was about 30 miles north of where the man had most recently worked, in Foxborough, Mass.

They expected a normal brain because of the man’s age.

“I didn’t equate his behavior with the disease,” the neuropathologist said. “I just thought that’s who he was.”

On the table, the brain appeared healthy. The meninges, the layers of translucent membranes that coat and protect the brain, still enveloped it. The brain had a healthy sheen.

The brain was sliced into sheaths, maybe a half-inch at a time, starting at the front. That was where the first inkling came that this was not just another 27-year-old brain. Even to the naked eye, the cross sections had substantial gaps in the tissues — fluid-filled ventricles that expanded as the brain tissue itself shrank. A cross section of a healthy 27-year-old brain looks robust, fleshy. This one was hollowed by boomerang-shaped caverns.

“The reason the skull grows is to make room for the growing brain,” the neuropathologist explained. “Everything is packed really tightly. Nature doesn’t leave any gaps.”

The septum pellucidum, a small membrane between the two halves of the brain, was atrophied to the point that it looked withered and fragile, even perforated. When the neuropathologist later went to look for others in a similar condition, the youngest comparable example was a 46-year-old boxer.

The fornix, a C-shaped bundle of nerves, was similarly deteriorated, stripped of its relative heft. The hippocampus, too. Even some of the most famously diseased brains that the neuropathologist had explored, from men who had died decades later, did not have such obvious signs of destruction when examined by the naked eye.

But only under a microscope could the disease be diagnosed with certainty. Wafer-like tissues were immunostained, using antibodies designed to discolor a specific protein — in this case, tau, which clumps and spreads, killing brain cells. That is where the full scope of the damage was apparent.

Tau, stained brown, appeared like bursts of fireworks in the frontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls decision making, impulse and inhibition. The neuropathologist could see it spreading through the brain. It was in the amygdala, the part of the brain that regulates emotions like fear and anxiety, and the temporal lobe. She spotted “a perfect demonstration” of lesions around the tiny blood vessels, a telltale sign. She found previous microhemorrhages and astrocytic scarring around the ventricles.

She declared the case Stage 3 on her own scale of severity, which goes from 1 to 4. It was the most damage she had seen in anyone that age. Among the hundreds of other brains she had examined and graded, the median age of a Stage 3 brain from \his profession was 67. Now she had one that was only 27.

What made the brain extraordinary, for the purpose of science, was not just the extent of the damage, but its singular cause. Most brains with that kind of damage have sustained a lifetime of other problems, too, from strokes to other diseases, like Alzheimer’s. Their samples are muddled, and not everything found can be connected to one particular disease.

This one looked as if it had been lifted from the pages of a textbook devoted to just one disease.

“It’s rare for us to get a brain of a person this young in such good shape,” the neuropathologist said. “It is a classic case. And it tells us a lot about the disease.”

The brain is no longer a brain, in function or form, because it has been sliced into pieces. Those pieces have been numbered, archived and stored. Scientists still study it, probably will for years, because it is such a perfect, fascinating specimen.

The neuropathologist and her closest associates kept this all to themselves for months, though, until the man’s family agreed to let the results go public. In September, the news came out and the headlines returned, but the neuropathologist did no interviews. She released only a short statement confirming the results of the examination.

“I didn’t want to contribute to the sensationalism,” she said.

But science cannot advance without the cumulative power of research, which was why she was in a university ballroom on Thursday, in front of more than 150 neurologists, pathologists and other scientists.She stood in the dark and put a PowerPoint presentation on the screen, several dozen slides of images showing an immensely atrophied young brain, the mind of a former star in his field who was also a convicted murderer. “He had beautiful pathology, if you can call it beautiful,” the neuropathologist had said earlier.  The particulars of the damage that the neuropathologist detailed — the tangled tau proteins, the battered frontal cortex, the shrunken tissues and the enlarged ventricles — have long become familiar to those paying attention to brain science. They are the things that threaten the long-term future of the industry in which the man worked.This is where his job faces the most scrutiny — under the microscope in darkened labs and in the scientific presentations at academic conferences.

“It’s scientifically interesting,” the neuropathologist said. “To me, it’s a fascinating brain.”

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