#BC I DONT WANT TO BURN MYSELF OUT AND FALL INTO A DEPRESSIVE LIFESTYLE AGAIN THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME

[violet-dragonfly]

god why is my mom such a bitch sometimes

[disco-cola]

dudes i need to rant cause yall know this is my online diary so i honestly feel so lost my life has no direction and hasnt had any for the past years and the years just seem to fly by in the blink of an eye and with every year i get more anxious about my birthday and getting older and my lack of achievements well at least if you define achievements by university degrees and work experience which is sadly still the standard instilled in this society and if you struggle with anxiety and or depression and cant function you are worth less (or even worthless) and you constantly need to justify and excuse yourself and the future seems so dull not only bc of my era-struggling™ but because i literally have such a hard time with the vicious cycle of getting a job and being sucked even more into this exploitative capitalistic system (idk what its like where you live but where i live rents have risen beyond any realistic affordability, grocery prices too but work wages and unemployment "benefits" from the state have not and even people working full time living with a partner who is also working full time are struggling to pay their rent and pay for groceries and electricity and make ends meet and for what you would have to work even more than forty hours a week to be able to afford a decent lifestyle as of right now but people are already working and worrying themselves sick to not fall down behind into poverty and get a pension plan which again is the vicious cycle im talking about retirement age will probably get even higher but how are you supposed to even work until at least 67 years old when you already destroy your body and soul decades before that? people are burned out several decades before that and still so many old folks now have worked so hard all their lives to only get such little pension they still need to work despite being sick, or go collect bottles (in countries where you get a few cents for returning plastic bottles at least) or even beg. honestly its sick this cant be the essence of life. it keeps me up at night. i dont wanna do this. i dont want life to be like this. i used to wanna go into the music business so bad when i was like 18 and be a manager or in a band but ever since my era-struggle™ despite the fact i dont like whats mainstream today but i also dont think i could last a day in the fast pace of todays business with social media and cancel culture. i just couldnt. i barely can now from my current position and deleting all social media and getting a nokia or motorola flip phone like i had as a child or a landline phone seems more and more appealing. my old friends are moving into the big city and we are drifting apart. they work so much they dont have time. but i also realize that i am starting to exclude and seclude myself and dont crave much human contact anymore. it honestly drains me. even grocery shopping or walking my dog during daytime drains me at this point. i dont wanna move and live in a big city anymore like other people my age. my suburb is too much for me already. i have fantasies of escaping from here daily. i literally just wanna go move to a small beach or mountain village and open a dog daycare. this is literally the only thing i can see myself doing in the future that does not give me anxiety and makes me wanna run into oncoming traffic.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

it’s been a while.

um. i think i like jason. and im so conflicted. i think that’s why i keep thinking im crossing a line. bc i just care so much for him and genuinely want the best for him and i thought i was just being a good friend at first but he’s going through a pretty rough time and i just want to be there for him. and i am so quick to drop whatever im doing for his benefit and i do have a really good time with him but i also know he’s dating angela and i want to respect that bc of the relationship and bc they’re both my friends. and i have imagined myself going out with david as well but i can definitely more easily talk to him as a friend whereas i have a hard time even looking at jason bc i do think hes very physically attractive. i think i am very much in love with him bc hes such a good person and i know he deserves so much. and i think that’s why ive been so judgmental of angela lately and believing they wont last. bc i want to be dating him instead. but i definitely dont want to overstep anything. but hes always so quick to listen, so selfless, humble, caring, kind, generous, compassionate, and most of all—genuine. and i really just want the best for him. but i do think him and angela are trying really hard to make this work and i know that they both thought a lot about it. i found out he, along with james and moonhee, felt overprotective of angela bc she’s never been in a relationship and it hasnt been that long since he broke up with jiwoon. but she seemed pretty eager and wanted to do it and he liked her first so they went for it and i am happy for them. and i dont want to ruin that. that’ll just create unnecessary drama and no one needs that. especially not in a church environment. i just want the best for them both. honestly. and i have to accept that that might not include me. but i just get really happy when i see him happy or excited and doing well. i really really do care about him. i do. and we’ll just see what happens from here. i do want to get closer to him as a friend and thats honestly part of the reason why i want to stay in chicago so that i’ll have that opportunity. and i know it’s so dumb and i shouldnt base my decision off of that but i do really like him and want to grow closer to him. hes a really great friend of mine and i hate how awkward we are on long drives home sometimes. i just want him to know that im there for him and always will be bc i care so deeply and genuinely for him. really. ive really loved being ableot help him out and chat more with him recently. i love getting to know him more. i really do. and ive been pretty distracted recently and havent been talking much with andrew but im hoping that we can tonight and i can tell him all about this and get his opinion. i think, especially with the past few weeks, we’ve both been pretty busy. especially me. and i’ve been really MIA as a result. so im pretty out of the loop and havent been paying much attention to him or sofia. and i’d be lying if i said i wasnt still a little salty with the whole bobby thing but im trying to just let it go and not let it affect the present. i was just really turned off by their attitudes toward the whole situation. anyways, i do miss talking to him bc it has been a while and i am hoping we can have a really long talk again. just about different things. not necessarily deep and intimate and emotional things but just to carry a conversation for hours between the two of us.

that’s another thing. ive been scolding jason a lot lately and i think it’s bc i like him. it’s a “im mean to the people i love” kinda thing. i think i’ve also been kinda scared to face it so thats been my coping mechanism against it. 

and i know that ive been quick to judge jason and angela in the past. theyre supposed to be these great figures and leaders for Movement so whenever they didnt do something—go to an event, sign up to read the Bible, etc. I judged them negatively for it. I thought they weren’t doing a good enough job and failed to see them as humans and students. just because thats the culture that i grew up with doesnt mean they did as well. it was probably more chill and laid back. they werent held to such high expectations. 

but i do wish i could go home. i am pretty homesick and i do want to rest back in california but i also know how expensive it is to be paying for an apartment that i dont live in. and i know that i’ll be refueled by Christ if I do go back home but im also kinda scared to return to Sa-Rang. I don’t think I’m in a place that’s strong enough yet to stand my ground against everyone. i think most people grew up super sheltered there and are pretty quick to judge those that have been in that “worldly” lifestyle. their problems were never about addiction. it was about family or friends or trying not to fall to that lifestyle but never actually experiencing it. and i have struggled with alcohol and depression and suicidal thoughts and it wasnt always so surface level. people there have no idea how easy their lives are. how could they ever really understand the struggle if they have never experienced it? and im afraid that i’ll be even more ostracized bc they dont understand my struggles. i feel like whenever i’ve come to an upperclassman for help, they didnt know what to tell me. i see how loving and supportive they can be in other situations and thats great and im happy for them but they could never understand my problems. i feel like those that do fall into depression tend to take time to themselves by temporarily leaving the church until theyre ready to come back and thats the situation im in too. and im not ready yet. so for now, im too afraid to go back to that church. not now. not like this. and im so conflicted bc it is always so nice to be around other people that had a similar upbringing to myself and away from the culture at school where no one really understands chopsticks or the commonality of eating rice everyday. it’s not normal for them but it is for me and i do want to be around other people that share my similar interests bc thats not something i get at school. i think it’s really important for me to grow up around other people that i can relate to and especially at columbia, i dont get that. the only koreans ive met have been dana, who is half korean, and 3 international students. ive meet 3 more chinese international students. 1 japanese international student. and the members of ASO, and im rounding to about 10 people. im usually the only asian or colored person in general. if im not, theres 1 other black person. if im not the only asian, which has only happened twice, then theres 1 more. the korean international students in my ITM class and Anushka, the Indian girl from Graphic Design II. im so whitewashed bc thats the community i grew up in. my parents never spoke korean to me growing up so i lost it. and i miss it. a lot. it’s a lost art that i would love to regain. and i miss it a lot too. i am all for diverse churches and i dont think they should be so exclusive to one particular culture. but i cant help feeling more at home and comfortable in predominantly korean environments bc thats never something that i had access to growing up.

sigh. but yeah. i do miss california. i would love to be with and hangout with my friends and family. i really would. and i miss them a lot. and i love them a lot. and i would give so much just to be home with them. but from a financial standpoint, especially right now, it just doesnt make a lot of sense. i would have to sleep on my parents’ floor. i wouldnt have access to water or gas. i wouldnt be able to go downstairs or cook. i wouldnt have a summer job nor would i be gaining any work experience for the future. it’d be pretty pointless. but i would be home. i would be able to spend time with my grandparents. i would be able to go out on dates with my family and friends. and i would be at home. yes, i wouldnt have a job. yes, it’d be a waste of money to pay for an empty apartment in chicago. yes, i would be burning through my saved money fast whenever i go out. but i would be home. and that almost seems worth it. so i kinda hope i dont get the internship, i know my interview went super well and i know i for sure got it. but i hope i didnt. bc then i’ll know it’s a sign from God, telling me to go home. Because I would really love to.

i also dont know if i wrote about this but im getting to be on better terms with p josh and im glad. im pretty open with him, though i am still a bit afraid at times. but i am excited to grow alongside him this coming year. i really am.

[leighasnotebook]

Title - Hey Future Leigha ;P

So.. I'm broke as fuck. I can't even seem to get a job. A job at a place I dont even like but need. I barely even made it home from internship at the humane society in Indy. I am on BELOW empty. I tried to sell a galaxy s4 at disc replay to get me by and they wouldnt even take it because apparently theres something wrong with it. So that was dissappointing as fuck too. I've been forced to borrow money from my mom who I STILL live with. So apparently I dont even have the abilty to be independent right now. Sure Im in school but I cant even afford to put gas in my tank to get there and I still owe 1000 dollars or more to my school. I dont even know where Ill work after I get my certificate. Thats right.. CERTIFICATE.. not a actual degree. Still. I stupidly decided to get a credit card a few years ago and now I'm maxed out and cant afford to pay it off. I at least have gotten on a payment plan that will make the interest 0% and make my monthly payment lower. My phones fucked because I broke the goddamn screen on it. So no one can even call me unless its on the house phone and I'm not home all the time AND its a cordless that apparently has fucked batteries in it because it just shuts off after like 10 - 15 minutes. I shouldve never even gotten a stupid "smart" phone. All its done is make me feel guilty about the extra money my MOM is spending for it on the bill. And it is way more fragile than a flip phone. Sure the extra shit on it was fun but I dont even need it. I dont care if Im "stuck" in the old times. At least it was reliable. I have grown up in my life with a nice place to live and nice things but that just isnt me. I know when I live on my own I wont live in a nice place and I wont have nice things. Its as if Ive been blindfolded to my actual lifestyle to the point where I agreed to getting nice things. Things Id never be able to afford by myself. After my car got totaled I got a 12k settlement which I had my dad take care of because he wanted to take it to use to get me a new car. Well he decided to get me a fucking expensive newer car.. the accident happened oct. 1st 2013.. I ended up driving a rape van (huge burgendy van with bars on the windows) to and from Ivy Tech and work for about half a year or more before my dad decided to take out a loan for a Toyota Camry 2013! Why on earth would you opt to get me a expensive car like that when I cant even afford gas or live on my own!? Now Im fucked because I cant pay the car payment.. my dads paying it which makes him think for some reason that its his vehicle. No on the contrary it was his decision to spring for a newer car of which I am entitled to 12k of. so yeah now I have a investment in something I cant even use because the insurance is insanely high and I cant afford it. Sigh Im just so fed up with all of this bullshit. If I could sell everything I have right now and just start new, that would be ideal. Sell the fucking Toyota, use the money to pay off my credit card bill, pay off school and maybe have enough to secure a place for me and my dog to live. Because I am not a goddamn straight woman who has a boyfriend to pay for half of everything. I feel like alot of girls live with their boyfriends and get off easy. Well thats not an option for me is all Im saying. I can barely even find a lesbian whos responsible and even has enough income to hold up their half of living expenses.. I cant say shit about that right now since Im in the same boat but still. Even when I do (which I usually do) have all my resources I still cant find a responsible GF. Either way Id still be dependant on whoever I was living with to keep my place. Even if they were a roommate. Which I guess would be the same financially if it were a significant other providing half. anyway.. Ive been trying goddamn hard to get a job. I signed up for Rover.com to watch dogs or walk dogs for people but IDK if my background check came back clean. which it should because I spent extra money so that it would be. Beyond all.. I am seriously just fed the fuck up with trying to manage all of the bullshit that I have to. It feels like I need 3 of me to accomplish all the shit in front of me. I am overwhelmed I guess is what that means. I feel so useless in the world. The only thing keeping me from spiraling into a severe depression is the fact that Im going to school for something that I love doing. Knowing that in a month and a half Ill be graduating is whats keeping my head up. Other than that.. its my friends and animals that hold up the rest. Some days I for real just want to get drunk and say.. FUCK IT ALLLLL. which is kind of what im doing right now.. but guess what? my box of cheap ass wine is almost gone so this will be a short lived release until im fucked again.. and cant even go to a party I was invited to go to on sunday. Im writing very unhinged right now. I need a goddamn stupid dumb job. And Ive been trying to get one for months. Now its even harder without a cellphone. "hey yeah just call my house phone and let me know about that job" just doesnt jive well with me because ITS A FUCKING HOUSE PHONE.. better than nothing but its real fucked trying to get a job when you cant answer your phone bc you dont have one of your own. gaaaahahahahaha fuckckkckck Im just so fucking stressed. I feel like I cant accomplish anything with the materials I have right now. Even if I had some money.. Got a full tank of gas and paid off my monthly bills I still wouldnt just magically have a job. Even if I got my phone screen replaced. Goddamn and Ive tried going into places but apparently Im a dumbass and come at the wrong times. Sigh.. just. fucking. schedule. me. for. a. interview. its not that hard. Theyre like "oh yeah were hiring" but other than saying that sentence they are so fucking unhelpful. "oh did you apply online?" uhh duh yeah I did you fuck. Why in the fuck would I not fill out an application and expect an interview. Fuckin assholes.. like I get it.. youre busy. but hey you wanna know what would ease that? If I was working right now and could take some of the work load off. Everytime someone would call about a job I would be so informative and supportive because I know what its like. Plus if I ever feel like Im overworked- which is alot of the time at those quick turnover jobs- I WANT the person inquiring about a job to get the job. Why? because I need them to take some of my workload off. Thats how it happens at pizza hut at least. you start with a bunch of people and then they dwindle down to where everyone is being over worked and more workers are needed as to not kill everyone who still works there. sigh.. I dont even want to work at pizza hut again but at this point I will take any fucking job I can get. I am being nickeled and dimed.. just like that fucking book I had to read in school. Given, all of it was brought upon my by my own past hand. I cant do anything about the past and its legit my past self just going crazy on a credit card that has me so fucked right now. After I get these cards paid off I will NEVER EVER EVER have another credit card again. I cannot be trusted with it. Great that I know that now that Im in debt out my ass. Yeah yeah and I have this theory that I learn things in life by trial error.. and guess what.. IVE FUCKING LEARNED.. and now that I have im still super fucked. Usually my trial error didnt cause me this much detrimental pain and suffering. usually it was like touching a hot stove and it was over with. but no.. this has been a very slow stinging burn that wont let up. I know.. I know that I will have to kill myself working my ass off and not having any shred of a life to get out of this hole. but the thought of it just really really makes me sad. Not saying It makes me not want to get a job. because NO WAY I need a job ASAP like yesterday. like if someone walked up and would pay me 20 dollars to eat a worm I would. Because it would spare me the shame in asking my mom YET AGAIN for gas money. God I am so tired of asking anyone for ANYTHING. Its the last thing I want to do in fact. Theres only so much you can ask of someone before they decide they wanna say nope.. youre on your own. and you know? Im surprised my mom hasnt told me no yet. Shes really really helpful. I think she understands me but also just wants me to get a job already so I wont keep borrowing from her. Which is understandable completely.. and thats exactly what I want too. At least i dont just sit around getting drunk and stoned all day in my pajamas. Im actually trying here. Theres nothing more that I want to just have a steady income. I dont care what kind of shit I have to drudge through to get to that point. I am so able bodied and ready to sweat and work and give myself away to a corporation for money. But guess where Im going to get the gas money to get to that job? FUCK IF I KNOW lol. goddamnit. I have really done it this time. How did I let it get this bad? How did I let myself fall so far? I dont even have anything else to sell to disc replay and the only other things I have to sell are all my paintball equiptment.. and I dont even really know how I would go about doing that. Craigslist? idk. I am flailing..... my wings are clipped and i cant fly. I have maybe a few dollars in change right now. Man how I used to just throw it in a jar willy nilly when I had a job. Not touching it at all for months and months. and now its all I have. FUCK. my rope is covered in kerosine and its been on fire for months. Someone in this world needs to cut me a fucking break and give me a job. Just 1 fucking person to say "you got the job, heres your uniform, come in monday at 8". I have been able to keep my hope through the worst of situations in my life. I feel it wearing reaaally thin right now. I almost had to walk miles just to get home today. you know its bad when you cant even afford to drive home. When youre just waiting for your car to give out and its screaming "i need gas!!!" You actually make it home and you get out of the car and hug it and praise it. Thank you. Thank you so much for holding out on me. I will get you gas as soon as I can I promise. Its like if you were traveling by horse and didnt have any water or grains for it to sustain itself but it powers through for you. I feel like a huge bum slacker bitch. Like I shouldve worked harder. done this done that. And maybe I wouldnt have ended up in this tight situation. The only thing in this world that is mine is my body and my animals and the relationships I have with my friends. I'm going to call Pizza hut right now. Ive been trying to fucking get this interview scheduled and they keep being little bitches over the phone. Not this time. I wont let it happen. "oh were in a lunch rush" dude. no. Fuck off. lol. Not this time. BRB. ya okay same old shit.. OH the hiring manager isnt here. Okay I understand but why dont you ACTUALLY give them my name and number and HAVE them call me. I know I know I will call the HIRING MANAGER on monday. See? its just a let down. I will call monday and demand an interview. I am more than qualified for your dumb job. anyway.. I know my friends and family will always be around to help me out. But I am a very stubborn person and have always wanted to do things my way and on my own. asking for help is something that I hold as a last resort. In the situation im in I am at my last resort time. It takes money to make money. money for the gas- to go to work- to get the money- for the gas- to get to work. Thats a 2 week process in itself. once I get past that threshold Ill be more self-sustaining. GGaaah! Please.. UNIVERSE! Im begging you!! Give me a job! Please please please please please! I need to get back ontop of it all. Hold out hope... hold out hope... crunching gears inside me trying to keep that train moving. GO. keep the rusty gears going. Keep swimming like Dory says. I feel like im trying to keep swimming but im in a puddle barely sustaining life itself. Gasps of water into my drying gills every couple seconds. All the while "hold out hope, just keep swimming" goes through my head like a mantra. I go from being super hopeful and positive to super hopeless and negative. Sometimes I'm just on this mid-line pergatory where I dont know how to feel or how I should feel. I know that a lot of people deal with hardships like me. Usually just pushing all their feelings down day to day thinking.. eh ill figure it out. Somethings got to give in for me. things will be different and get better soon. This isnt the end of the world. Im not dieing.. yet. But there are times where no matter what your troubles.. you cannot just push it down anymore. You have to sit there and stare into the eyes of a skull and think.. things are going bad. This isnt how it should be. I shouldnt feel like this. Something is wrong in this equation because its not equaling out right. So here I sit. In my familiar place where Ive faced a lot of things in life. In the garage. (wow a disc replay commercial just came on the radio.. how ironic... fuck u guyz lol). Ive dealt with sooo much in this garage. Most of my epiphanies have happened in here. Most of my hardships. At least in my adult life. And when I wasnt in Terre Haute. Always staring at stuff in here. Listening to the radio. Smoking cigarettes. Drinking. Thinking. [insert link to In The Garage by Weezer here] I cant even explain the range of feelings Ive felt in this garage. Love, lust, loss, depression, happiness, worry, anxiety, calmness, anger, thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, desire, turmoil, empathy, regret, sickness, healthiness, Ive felt hot and cold, bad and good, and at the end of the day when I sit here. It feels so familiar. It could be anywhere. but in this little box on the planet is where all these things have opened up like a bud. So many conversations with friends, on the phone, in person. Oh so very telling and depending on if there was snow, dead leaves, flowers, or sun outside the dynamic would change ever so slightly. And as friends have come and gone, people have died or were born, this has been a constant place for me for the last eight years. After I caught a big fish, built a snow fort, or made a drunken dancing video to missy elliot this place stayed the same and was always here. I feel like im confessing a love affair between me and my garage right now.. but I wanted to express my gratitude to these four walls which I believe have absorbed a lot of the things I am talking about right now. I remember when I first started to dwell in this garage. I was still drinking and smoking on the down-low. Didnt want my mom to know. I would listen to the radio and write just like Im doing now except it was often in a notebook. Its the only way for me gain solace in my life sometimes. Love often drove me to worry as I listened to deftones, linkin park, or staind or anything that came on x-103. Id just scribble on page after page I would stop caring if it was legible... That shear fact that id stop caring in general was all I wanted. I wanted to release all my cares into a song or a feeling or a writing. What do I want? who do i need? who AM I ? Sometimes I never know. I dont know things alot. as much as Id like to believe I have every little thing under control.. I never have it all. this isnt to say that its a negative thing. Sometimes you simply cannot wrangle every little thing into a place you think it belongs. often things are flying like kites with brittle strings. they break off and float out of bounds yet still connected just not within reach. Its definitely angering at times. you think.. why cant i keep my shit in check? but if you think about it. maybe it was never "your shit". I really think its better to not stress over things that blow away. Youre in a spot you let shit fly and it ends up gaining its own separate current without you. You cant always be strong enough to keep everything where you want it. It doesnt work that way, you cant control everything. HELL sometimes you cant control anything. and I know how that feels. shit. right now I could still be walking on the side of the road away from my broken down car. holding up my thumb trying to get home. you cant hold everything down with a thumb tac or a bad attitude. things will happen and ya you probably could have avoided some things but I think things happen for a reason. Maybe to teach you that you in fact are not in control. That things are or arent just black and white. Reppercutions.. actions that lead to situations that you have to handle. Its all apart of one thing. you... its you. hah. I mean you make choices.. and theres always a second and third happening. In my case.. it makes me feel like im unintelligent when I make a choice and it causes something bad. Ex. If I were to have to walk home today.. my mind would have been full of .. "well thats because I didnt have enough gas" Well why didnt I? because I didnt have the money. Why didnt I? because I dont have a job. Why dont I have a job? because Im an irresponsible entitled person. I act like the world will bend to my whim when it doesnt work that way. When weve all got the same probability of things going our way. Why should I think I'm any different? why? because of all those times I made it home when my gas tank was below E? what about those times when I didnt get so lucky? that time my car stopped on a highway and I was late to work and I got fired? Its just this numbers game in my head. Will it be okay or not. I never know but my brain urges me to believe yes. youll be okay. and when im not i think well.. It was about a 50/50 that this would happen and I knew that deep down.. so I cant really be too mad right? lets just walk a few miles and get what i deserve. meanwhile I think about everything I could have done that wouldve lead to a different outcome. ya hmm. maybe if i had a job.. id have gas in my tank.. and this wouldnt have happened. maybe..hmm just maybe..? You know when you drive down a highway and you see a person walking it? You can gaurantee that that person is thinking... how could I have avoided this? That person is me that person is you. Walking on the grass on the side of the road.. looking at all the trash people discard from their car windows. Really slows your mind down when youre walking where you normally drive through. You see people zoom by who will get to their destinations on time. Who had the money and intellect to just buy some gas. We all have our days when were in the gutter. When I have mine, it forces me to slow down.. to really look at my life. Why did this happen.... why am I stuck and fucked like this again. Even though I magically made it home today on my below E tank I still see this as a wake-up call. It brings me back to the times when I didnt make it home. I felt like a lost dog. and ya I know.. poor me.. first world problems. Oh man Leigha had to walk 5 miles to get home because she ran out of gas in the automobile that she has available for her to drive 24-7 usually. And dangg. she even had a full meal before this walk.. poor her. I know I know. Its totally crap. Its not like I almost died or was starving and in a desert left to die. In reality, on this planet I am lucky. I am a lucky person. But to say that we still dont have our problems would be to say that anyone with a roof over their head was flawless. It makes me realize that yeah, first world problems are nothing to those in third world countries. But I shouldnt feel invalidated if I have room to improve my life. Everyone in this world has room to improve their lives. I am not solitary in this one bit. in fact I feel like I am unaware of tons and tons of stuff in life. Theres so many times when I just simply dont know something. Makes me feel like I dont know anything about anything sometimes haha. its like "oh you didnt know about this?!?!" uhhh no I didnt. Should I have? Woops? am I squandering my priveledge to learn about things I should know about? When it comes down to it. I am never done learning. I am never done growing as a person. I am so ignorant to so many things simply because I have never been exposed to them. I cant walk the earth acting like I have a grasp on everything when I dont. I dont know what anyone else goes through day to day around the world.. I cant compare my life to anyone elses if I've only lived my own separate life. I can relate to people of course but I do not think that anyone can fully understand how something feels unless it happens to them. sure ill say "oh yeah Ive felt that before" or "I felt like that when... etc etc" but I dont know how it feels through someone elses eyes, in someone elses shoes. What Im trying to say is that I have had some really really hard times. Personally I feel that they are HARD TIMES. For me and maybe me only. Maybe others would look at these "hard times" and laugh and say "HAHAH you think thats hard?". But that being said this is how I feel and it cannot be undermined by anyone. Beyond all these technicalities that I decided had to be stated, right now I feel as though I have entered the abyss. I feel like Im in a place that is neither here nor there. I am a real nowhere man who has no real nowhere plans. I used to want to get a tattoo that was the symbol for "nobody". It was a onyx or something I dont remember the spelling. For a long time I thought I was nobody. I thought I would just bend to the whim of anything or anyone. And at the time, I thought that was just me. Me was nobody since I felt like everybody but nobody at the same time. Then I thought.. hmm I dont think I should get this tattoo because what if someday I become somebody. And im glad that I didnt get that tattoo because I AM somebody. I guess there are sometimes that my past self is right about how my future self will feel. I feel like everyone is usually thinking about the future. How they will be, where they will live, what they'll be doing and who theyll be doing IT with (bow-chicka). And do you know what I think? I think that everyones present self is the best link to that future self. OBVIOUSLY. but think about it like this. You .. RIGHT NOW.. can have a serious effect on your future self. Not just with succeeding and blah blah blah boring shit like that. Listen. About 6 or 7 years ago I made a video of myself talking to my future self. I completely forgot about that video. I came across that video one day and HEY it was ME! I didnt remember it AT ALL. and as I watched it it really really felt like my past self was talking to me. it was SURREAL AS FUCK. and on point! Ever since that day I have been making videos to my future self. Even stating in the video that I know Im going to just be drunkenly watching this video. Which usually is also on point! hah. But I strongly suggest that more people do the same thing. maybe just check in with your future self every now and then and say hey. what the fuck is up?! I hope you arent broke as shit and running out of gas. haha. its actually pretty comical the stuff youll begin to find your past self saying to you. I think documenting your life is a really good thing. You can learn so much just by sifting through your past experiences that youve written down or video taped. Right now for instance I feel like I need some guidance. So I think I will revisit some of my past selfs videos and make another one. You talk about how youre doing and how youve fucked up and tell your future self about all of it. Then in a year or two guess whos giving you pointers? YOU! haha its really actually hilarious. who'd of thought that it would be what you said to yourself 2 years ago that would set your world straight. I think I should go revisit my videos now. I need some guidance. :D In other news. not doing so well right now. This writing has definitely helped. Leigha Horvath- Signing off. ;*