#Babreham

[dinosinthedark]

So the date went really well... And he keeps asking when he can see me again. He keeps talking about painting the outside trim on my house for me. And he's very gentle and kind and I think he's really nice and I enjoyed myself.

So of course I sent Babreham a text. I see myself do things in real time and just shake my head at myself while I do it. Like come on.

[shieldofiron]

No. This is baberaham lincoln

I spent way too long making this for a joke

Ok... desire him carnally...

[shakespeareandme22-blog]

Hot Washington and Babreham Lincoln wishing you a Happy Presidents Day! Except for the current administration. Fuck that guy. #happypresidentsday #sexypresidentsdayparty

[dinosinthedark]

I'm feeling a lot of things this past week. And I'm not even sure where to put all my feelings. I probably just need to sit with them for awhile, but God it's hard.

Babreham is not coming back here to work. We talked a couple times and he kept telling me he wanted to keep in touch and he would still message me. And I just don't really want that. The thought of him with other people hurts my little heart. But he has been so emotionally unavailable and like just never really asking how I really am or even making a lot of attempts for it. Like I knew he was like this, it's just so sad. Why would I want to keep touching base with someone I'm emotionally attached to in this way? When I'm just left with so much disappointment. It is like these small jolts of joy mixed with utter disappointment. I don't think of my friends on these terms. He has never once showed his actual caring for me. And when I pull away he suddenly says he cares? All it is or at least what it feels like is a cheap way to placate me. I told him I love him because I feel that way. He told me i only love the idea of him and that you can't know you love someone till you are locked in a room with them for a month straight. Such bullshit. I'm tired of him constantly invalidating my emotions. I think you can love people without knowing them entirely. That's the joy of life right? Growing connections with people. I sent him a long string of texts after he said I couldn't feel how I feel. He never responded. It's been almost a week. I told him I wanted this to be more like an end or a breakup. But it also hurts. I'm torn because I know this is the best thing. I know this is what I deserve. I know I shouldn't have continued with it for so long. But when he was here he was meeting needs that I needed met. And now I have to start this process all over again. I also know there's this part of me that wishes he would maybe put up a fight for me on some level..and I know that's so silly. Because well, he could never be my person long term. And he never wanted to be. So why yearn for it? I just feel like I imploded this thing, and it just kind of sucks all around. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm hurting. I know it was right. I told him we were emotionally unavailable, just in different ways and that he doesn't even know who I am. And I think it's true. So we'll see. He'll probably never reach out again and I know this is right. but fuck

[dinosinthedark]

I drove 30 hours straight to Nevada to see Babreham for two days, and now I am driving 28 hours to Tennessee to see my mom for less than a day to drive 14 hours home from there. It's over 6000 miles said and done. I'm so tired. I really think I needed to see Babreham though. Or at least needed something. I am thinking about ending things with him. I'm currently waiting till January. If he comes back to work near me and things go well I will have an honest conversation with him. Not about ultimatums, but about my own boundaries. I need someone who chooses me, actively, and who makes an effort to allow me into their world. This stonewalling isn't working for me. I need connection, and I need someone who wants to connect. I'm scared to have this conversation. But I think I will be ready?

It's funny to think about how much I've grown and healed. I think as much as Babreham is not a perfect partner, he has been a really good person to help me to work through things. To allow myself to actively see things happening, feeling myself get triggered, having conversations about what's going on, not realizing I'm triggered and saying a bunch of stuff and reflecting on it all. It's helped a lot with my growth. But I need someone who wants me, wants to choose me, and wants to be loved by me. I have such a great and deep capacity for love, grace, and compassion. Someone will appreciate it in a way that is fulfilling to me too. I deserve better than being held at arm's length.

But for now... I drove across country to see him and it felt really good. And I'm okay with the decisions I made

[dinosinthedark]

So I may have fucked up and developed some -feelings-™

Fuckfuckfuck

[dinosinthedark]

Sometimes I do things, and like I can see myself doing them, and I'm actively doing them. But they also conflict with some part of my brain and I feel like I can't stop myself. And like then I'm like, God that was so me to do that thing. The consistency is there, very canon.

Anyways. Hungout with BDC again, so there's that. Despite my six almost seven months long thing with Babreham. I mean we technically aren't dating. Buuut yeah. Lol, I guess?

[dinosinthedark]

It's been a week.

So Babreham was almost certain he was going to get fired for an accident at work. He does exploratory drilling at a mine. The accident was a combination of both him and his helper.makong poor judgement calls and the helper had his hand somewhere it shouldn't have been and lost some fingers. Really awful situation. So I basically called into work and hung out with him thinking he may be leaving the area because of this situation. Then we hung out the next day and went bowling and out to eat.

He had his safety meeting, and did not get fired, or suspended.

We went on a road trip to Illinois to pickup a motorcycle he bought, which we had been planning, but he wasn't going to go if he got fired. I had taken vacation for Friday and Saturday to make it work. Originally he was planning to get the bike from Indiana, and switched bikes like the day of. He was a bit unprepared all around. But it ended up being a mostly good trip. I was feeling anxious at one point from only having one hour of sleep and being in like downtown Milwaukee and feeling concerned about traffic, him riding his bike, and just over exhausted. I mentioned my anxiety to him at one point and he later referred to it as me having a nervous breakdown and I told him off. He apologized, an actual apology. So I guess I forgive it. But yeah, I think I'm a little too invested. The whole week was a lot of stuff going on, and I'm sure that's what is leading to all these things I'm feeling..so we will have to see how I feel once it settles a bit. He's back home till the 23rd so that gives us some distance for now. I think I need it, honestly.

On the flip side. He keeps saying we are friends and keeping each other company. Which like, okay I can work with it..but like he made a comment about if I worked him into the "rotation" of men I occasionally see he didn't want to be a part of that. So like is he demanding exclusivity from me? Because my understanding is we are exclusive. But if we are exclusive, then I think you need to give me more than a bone? What's the point. So I keep flip flopping on seeing BDC, because like why deny myself this other thing if the other thing isn't anything, not really. And why do I stay exclusive? Is it because I do have feelings? Is it concern of guilt? Is it loyalty? Is it me doing to him as I'd like done to me? I think I'd be upset if he was fucking around with other people? So like I just don't really get it.

He keeps saying it's obvious we enjoy each other's company, so why shift.the dynamic. He says he's emotionally unavailable. I just feel a little confused the past couple days. I think it'll be okay eventually. I just need to think on it all.

[dinosinthedark]

So there's this thing were evil toxic number man 2(BDC) likes to hit me up to hangout even though he's always been a mediocre dude who really isn't even nice and I'm just insanely attracted to for no real understood reason.

And so I consider seeing him.

Despite me seeing maybe possibly toxic man(Babreham), who is actually nice to me, respects my boundaries, has clear conversation with me, has respected me when I've called him out on shit that bothers me, and who actively seeks out my company often and enjoys it and makes it clear he enjoys being around me, and does genuinely seem to care about my well-being and just me in general, but refuses to call our exclusive five months almost six month long dating thing us dating, and states he is emotionally unavailable.

I think I might be dumb, or maybe my nervous system is just so fucked up, or my brain just short circuits and gets ALL the dopamine from seeing BDC that I even consider it. Like he never once has respected me. What is my deal.

[dinosinthedark]

Yeah, so first real date is tomorrow at a fancy expensive restaurant and I'm nervous and excited. I'm going shopping with a friend for an outfit before the date. Ahhh! Then we are also taking a quick road trip to Indiana(8hr drive) to pick up a motorcycle he bought to bring it back up here. So those are things.

[dinosinthedark]

I officially told someone I was exclusively seeing someone and would not be able to see them beyond friends. Instead of just doing that thing where I give basic answers that kind of avoid saying no. So that's where things are. Ope. Exclusive with Babreham is a thing I'm doing officially and following through on. Sooo yeah

[dinosinthedark]

Cooking for someone for the first time is seriously so nerve-wracking. Ahhh!

[dinosinthedark]

I may have done too much fucking around, and may be finding out. Ugh.

[dinosinthedark]

My friend asked me, what would be better for my healing, giving up Babreham or giving up BDC, and I had never really contemplated this question before. But the answer was immediately clear. I could never have been open to anyone if I hadn't said goodbye to Babreham. Hmmm.

[dinosinthedark]

I had a dream about Babreham and for a second I missed him when I woke up. The easiness of being around him and the roughness to his voice and behaviors. The stupid smirk he had and the way in which I found him ridiculous in his teasing and how i told him as much and how he always had the line he came back with. His hands... Oh I missed him.

I'm burning a candle sweaty boots no heels gave me, and remembering how he texts me everyday and tells me he misses me and how he knows I'm busy and stressed and comes to me and tells me what's going on in his day to day and doesn't leave me on read, doesn't make me feel like I'm too much. How he pampers me in a way I don't know if I've ever experienced. How he is aware of his actions and how they affect me. How he checks in. How he is always telling me to have a great day, wishing me luck on my endeavors and radiates positivity in a way that feels like he actually means it in his core.

I'm trying. But sometimes I still miss all the broken men I love. I know this is the healthiest version of love ive been seeking. I know this is the version of love that will allow me to grow and express myself and hold me tenderly as the damaged parts of me try to heal. But sometimes I miss all of the broken men I love.

[dinosinthedark]

Oh my heart is sad in a special way that can only happen when your situationship officially ends and they try to tell you they'll text you and still check in on you and you tell them you don't need more friends and you only check in on people you truly care about and they never cared about you in that way and are incapable of expressing it even if they did. Oh my oh my. Oops?