The Lone Wolf
Masterlist // 03
Warnings: Swearing, Anxiety Attack
Word Count: 4.4k
I struggle with the growing sharp pain in my chest, gasping for air that doesn't seem to exist. The pain feeling like shards of glass are trying to pierce their way through my skin and out of my chest as slowly as possible. My heart pounds as if it's trying to escape my ribcage. And me? What am I doing? Nothing. I'm not doing anything. Because there's nothing I can do.
I just lay on my back on the ground of that airport runway, my mask pulled off my face and lying beside me, clutching my chest like I'm having a heart attack and hope and pray that no one questions me. But I'm Fianna MacBhfloscaidh. And my Fianna Luck™ would never allow that.
"Hey, uh, hey wolf girl? You okay?" it's the Spider hero, he's crawled over to me.
"What's it to you?" I snark through my desperate attempts to breathe, propping myself up to sit.
"Look I don't know if you're injured or something, but I just wanna help," he reassures me, sitting up.
"I'm," I gasp, "I'm having a goddamn anxiety attack. It feels like I'm bloody dying."
"Okay, uh, okay, I'll help you through this. Just, um, just try to, try to focus on your breathing. Yeah, breathe with me, okay?"
"Just focus on breathing," I mock him, "What the fuck do you think I'm trying to do?"
"At least I know you haven't lost your snark. Now come on, breathe with me, in for five, four, three, two, one and hold for seven, six, five, four, three, two, one and now out for eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Okay, come on, you can do it," he grabs the hand that's not clinging to my chest to try and ground me, "You got this, come on, in for five... hold for seven... and out for eight."
We go through this mantra several times before the pain slowly disappears and my breathing is back to normal.
"You good now?" he asks, cocking his head to the side.
"I'm fine," I say sharply, yanking my hand from his grasp. He flinches slightly and I soften, "Why... why did you help me?"
"Because that's what I do. I help people, or at least I try to. And you're only here to help your family, which I'm assuming is Wanda?"
"Yeah, it's... Wanda's my connection to the team. I owe her a debt that, no matter how many favors I do for her, no matter how many car park fist fights I help her in, the debt will never be paid off."
"...So it's like a college debt?"
I laugh at that, like an actual real laugh, it's been a while since I had one of those, "Yeah, like a college debt. But instead of giving me a degree that'll probably be useless because getting a job is impossible she gave me... a chance to live a normal life again. Well, as normal as you can be when you're like me."
"Can I ask why you helped me?" he questions, "Like with the boarding tunnel, and then I think you caught me when I was falling too."
"While I may be here for Wanda I could tell you were a kid, and I do have a moral compass. It might be a roulette wheel, but it exists, and ev'ry now and then the arrow points north. Especially for kids."
"That's good to know... I think. You know, we're gonna have to bring you all in. Captain America and the dude with the metal arm left, but you guys are technically criminals now."
"I knew what I was getting into since the beginning. Besides, it's nice to be wanted."
He's wearing a mask, but I can practically feel the smile on his face, "You're Gen z, right? You gotta be with that sense of humor."
"Maybe I am, what's it to you kid?"
"Why are you calling me kid? Aren't we like around the same age?"
"Maybe, maybe not."
"Well, I, uh, I gotta go. But I'll see you around?" he says, standing up and getting ready to swing away.
"As soon I get through the prison break," I smile, standing up as well and shaking his hand.
"See ya, Wolf girl," he says, swinging away.
"See ya, Spider-child," I call after him before someone walks towards me, handcuffs in his hands.
"You're gonna have to come with me, kid," he says. I look around, I see Wanda and Clint already cuffed and Sam being told the same as me, Scott is getting pulled into a vehicle.
I bend down to grab my mask, putting it on over my mouth and nose and turn, holding my hands up to the agent, "Just do it already."
"You are under arrest for violating the Sokovia Accords, you have the right to remain silent, you have no right to a lawyer and will not stand trial. You are being transferred to the Raft prison immediately."
You must go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect 200 monopoly monies. Whatever dude, I get it, I'm a criminal, I go to the special superhero jail, you can spare me the monologue.
° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ ° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °
I am thrown from the vehicle I was transported in. I'm now dressed in a dark blue jumpsuit and have a shock collar attached to my neck. One almost identical to Wanda's. I can't use my powers. It doesn't disable them, but it sends a very strong electric shock that hurts like a bitch. Trust me, I tried.
After that I'm thrown into a cell. I have a bed in the cell and that's it. I feel like shit. I was supposed to help Wanda. And here we both are, in a prison, in the middle of the ocean. This was supposed to be different than last time we saw each other. This time was supposed to be hugs and smiles and freedom. Not this. Not cells and cages. Not again.
I'm lying on the ground face down trying not to get seasick. Unlike last time I was in the situation I have zero escape plans. No ideas, no thoughts, no plans, no him. Nothing. Everything's different this time. There's too many variables, more of everything. There's more guards, more escapees, more in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.
This place is a hellhole. In Hydra we were at least volunteers, while we couldn't leave we had some level of freedom, here I'm an actual prisoner. We're all prisoners. I guess we almost have it coming, since we're criminals and all, but that is no excuse for how they're treating us.
Clint fought the aliens in New York, and the robots in Sokovia, and here he is in a cell. Sam hijacked one of the helicarriers in DC and saved millions of lives, and here he is in a cell. Wanda tore the robots in Sokovia to pieces, and here she is, in a shock collar, in a straitjacket, in a cell. Scott... I don't know much about Scott, but I'm sure that he's done good things, and here he is in a cell.
Me on the other hand? I almost deserve this. I've done nothing for humanity. I signed up to be experimented on by Nazis. I beat the crap out of jerks for a day job, that might sound good but it's not. I don't do that out of the goodness of my heart, I do it for the money, to pay rent.
We're in these cells for about eight hours by the time the infamous Tony Stark arrives for a visit. He walks in, circling around to see the place before going by our cells individually. He doesn't give Wanda a glance, presumably because of how broken inside she looks.
"The futurist, gentlemen!" Clint claps sarcastically, "the futurist is here! He sees all! He knows what's best for you, whether you like it or not."
This prompts Stark to walk over to Barton's cell.
"Give me a break, Barton," he says. "I had no idea they'd put you here. Come on."
Clint spits, "Yeah, well, you know they'd put us somewhere, Tony."
"Yeah, but not some super-max floating ocean pokey. This place is for maniacs. This place is for..."
"Criminals?" Clint finishes for him, standing up, "Criminals, Tony. Think that's the word you're looking for. Right? That didn't used to mean me. Or Sam, or Wanda. But here we are."
"Because you broke the law."
"Yeah."
"I didn't make you."
"La la la..."
"-You read it; you broke it. You're all grown up; you got a wife and kids."
"-la la la la la."
"I don't understand why you didn't think of them before you chose the wrong side?"
Stark begins to move along to the next cell, but not before Clint gets the last word, "You gotta watch you back with this guy," he slams his hands on the bars, "There's a chance he's gonna break it."
He walks by Scott's cell and Scott is there at the bars, almost waiting for him. "Hank Pym always said you can never trust a Stark."
"Who are you?" Stark questions walking on to my cell.
"Come on, man."
Stark stops in front of my cell, I'm no longer lying but sitting, my back against the back wall and staring at him.
"You're quiet. Don't you wanna throw in your two cents like the others?" he quirks an eyebrow.
I look him in the eyes, speaking slowly and angrily, "Tá a fhois agam a lán focail in a lán teanga, ach chan go leor le chuir síos ar fuath s'agam duit."
(I know many words in many languages, but not enough to describe my hatred for you.)
"I- I don't speak that," he says and I roll my eyes, "But your tone was angry so I think I get the gist."
"Not even a wee bit," I spit at him.
He gives me one last look before walking to his final destination, Sam's cell.
"How's Rhodes?" Sam asks, his back facing Stark. I found out what happened when we were being transported, I know how bad Sam feels about Rhodes getting hurt.
"We're flying him to Columbia Medical tomorrow. So... fingers crossed," Stark says almost coldly before switching up his tone. "What do you need? They feed you yet?"
Sam turns around, baffled by Stark's change, "You're the good cop, now?"
Stark shakes his head, "I'm just the guy who needs to know where Steve went."
Don't we fucking all. Otherwise we might be with him rather than stuck in this shithole.
"Well, you better go get a bad cop... because you're gonna have to go Mark Fuhrman on my ass to get information out of me."
Stark then does something on his smartwatch on steroids, "Well, I just knocked the A out of their AV. We got about 30 seconds before they realize it's not their equipment."
"What do you want? A gold star?" I quip, done with his shit.
He rolls his eyes and goes to work on his smartwatch again, "Just look," he brings up a small projection, "Because that... is the fellow who was supposed to interrogate Barnes. Clearly, I made a mistake. Sam, I was wrong."
"That's a first," Sam admits.
"Cap is definitely off the reservation but he's about to need all the help he can get. We don't know each other very well. You don't have to..."
"Hey, it's all right," Sam sighs, "Look, I'll tell you, but you have to go alone and as a friend."
"Easy."
"He's going to Siberia, there's a Hydra base there with about six other soldiers, just like Barnes."
Sam then spews some coordinates that don't mean anything to me and they're done. When walking past our cells again Stark looks at me and his eyes soften slightly.
"How'd you even end up in this mess kid?"
"My sister needed me; I had her back. Besides, a change of scenery is always nice," I reply dryly.
"This is a prison cell," he says cautiously.
"It's sarcasm, ye twat."
He nods at that and leaves the room. This whole thing is a mess. He claims to be going to Cap as a friend, but where does that leave us, floating in the ocean.
° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ ° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °
It's been a few hours since the man with the money left. We just have to entertain ourselves I guess. I'm lying on my bed, humming to myself. Music has always been a big thing for me, always. It's gotten me through a lot, Hydra, leaving home, losing him, every hardship I've had to get through I've had music.
I've begun writing songs in the last year, ever since I lost- ever since he died, I've been using it as an outlet. I've wrote a few songs, but mostly I just cover songs, letting go of all my feelings as I sing my lungs out and strum my guitar or play my keyboard.
I'm humming a soft lullaby to myself, the only one I can think of, Báidín Feilimí or Feilimí's little boat in English I guess. It's something I learned as a wane (kid) and while a load of the other songs have been forgotten this is one of them that's stuck. It takes me back to before... all of this; before I even had powers. This song brings me back to being that small wane in P3 having to learn a song for school.
I hum the simple tune of my childhood when the alarms begin ringing. The noise hurts my ears and I'm covering them with my hands, hating my enhanced senses. That's when I hear punches landing and blows being traded.
Then, out of the shadows like the dramatic ass he is, Captain Steve Rogers emerges. He's not alone either, he's got T'Challa, the Black Panther, and Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow. They're here to save us.
Natasha opens my cell and walk towards me slowly, showing me the tool in her hand, she unlocks the shock collar and I nearly cry in relief. She takes my hand and helps me up.
"Come on, you're gonna be okay, we gotta go," she says.
"Thank you," I gasp, squeezing her hand. She returns the gesture before giving me small, short-lived smile.
She helps Wanda with her collar and the rest of us are out of out cells. We follow the trio saviours and they take us to the platform where there's a quinjet, we pile in and it takes off.
° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ ° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °
When we land in Wakanda we were told that we could get some rest before we make decisions, decide where to go and who with. Wanda and I decide to share a room. We've been separated for so long, alone for so long that we deserve to be together for the little time we have together. Instead of taking two beds like was offered, we share a double bed, needing each other close for comfort and reassurance.
When we awoke we stayed in our room a little longer, wanting to talk before being ripped apart yet another time. We haven't spoken about it but I know we're going to be separated, of course we are. That's just how my life goes, I get something good and then it gets torn away from me. Always has, always will.
"A lot has happened since I last saw you, over a year ago. I'm in a better place, well kind of. I've got better friends. Like Orlaith, and Eoghan. Eoghan especially has done a lot for me," I tell her.
"What do you mean? What's he done for you?" Wanda asks.
"Well, when I got back home people were happy. I got to see Tommy again which was amazing. But... one day I was picking him up from school and my powers, they spazzed out. I shifted... in front of his entire class and their parents."
"What happened?"
"Sheá and Erin McConnell couldn't have such a freak connected to them, especially as a daughter, so... I was kicked out. I spent a few nights at Orlaith's before I had to stay in the streets, it was my... third night, I think, when I was approached by a man named Liam. He had heard about what happened at the school and he told me he knew somewhere I could stay."
"And that led you to Eoghan?"
"Yeah, he owns the place I've been staying," I smile before mockingly announcing the bar, "St. Marie's. It's a pub and inn, for mercenaries mostly. I had to pay rent somehow, so I became a mercenary too. I don't do anything too bad, don't hurt wanes, if they're present I make sure they don't see or hear things."
"Well, while I'm glad you have housing I wish you didn't have to have such a violent job. There were no other jobs you could've done?" Wanda asks, but she knows she's grasping at straws.
"Nothing else would pay enough for rent and other needs. You can't win them all, or any at all in my case, I guess. Anyway, what's new with you?"
"As you might have guessed, when we tried to escape I, along with P, was captured again. We learned to control our powers, I don't hear all the voices anymore and things don't go haywire when my emotions are high."
"That's good. Really, I'm proud of you Wands."
"Yeah... I've also got a better hold on the energy stuff and the telekinesis. They also taught me how to do the mental manipulation a lot better... now I can do what the Brauns was supposed to do."
"Aw, aye, the other twins. Did they... are they really gone?" I remember the Brauns. They were like masters of causing mental chaos, they could drive you insane if they wanted. Then all of a sudden they were dead, it never added up to me.
"Fianna, they were confirmed dead a month before you left."
"I know. It's just- I know we weren't close, but they seemed pretty powerful, it's hard to believe they're gone."
"I understand, besides, the boy had a thing for you, you must miss the attention."
"Alexander? No! Wait- did he?"
"Definitely. I can't believe you didn't know."
"Well... I was a bit preoccupied with someone else. Anyway, moving on, you got control over your abilities," I try desperately to switch the subject, while the male Braun twin wasn't sore on the eyes I had eyes for someone else, but that wasn't something I wanted to talk about at this moment.
"Then last year the Avengers attacked the base. There was a lot of disagreeing when it came to whether or not us twins would go on defence, and like the impatient boy he is P brought me with him to the battlefield to fight them off."
"I gcónaí mar síota bheag mífhoighneach," I revert to my mother tongue while speaking fondly of my former amour.
(Always an impatient little cheetah)
Wanda laughs, "Always. Then... we joined Ultron. We thought it was the right thing to do, but we were just consumed with rage and wanted revenge-"
"As you should."
"Fianna, please, let me finish. We joined Ultron, but then we found out that Ultron didn't want to save humanity but to end it."
"Don't blame him. Humanity sucks."
"Fianna Colleen McConnell! Stop interrupting me!"
"Sorry Wands, no need to middle name me," I hold my hands up in surrender, "But it's Fianna Colleen MacBhfloscaidh, not McConnell. Not anymore."
"Okay, I'll bear that in mind."
"Anyways, uh Ultron didn't know the difference between saving humans and ending them, continue."
"Well yeah, I saw his plans and we joined the Avengers, we fought Ultron and then... well you know how it ended, Sokovia in ruins and-"
"And him gone. I saw it, on the news. Wanda, I was- I was different, I am changed after what happened. Wanda I've done things, things that you would never have let slide. When I found out, I went to a... a dark place, and that dark place has a big ol' closet and it, heh, it is jam packed with skeletons," I vaguely tell Wanda.
What I've done since I escaped, it's- it can be gruesome. I could never completely tell Wanda the extent of my carnage, I don't think I'll ever tell anyone that wasn't there. All I can tell her is that it was brutal, it was my unhealthy way of coping with my loss. I've done damage that can never be undone, and because of that I try not to dwell on it, but it's difficult.
"Fianna, he- when he died, his last thoughts were of you. He loved you, and he knew he was dying to make the world a better place for you."
"But Wanda, how can it be a better place if he's gone? How can the world be better when he was my world?"
Wanda looks at me. She's in shock. She's always known I loved him, so has he, but I'm never usually this blunt about emotions. He's the exception to that. He's always the fucking exception. So I stare back at her, tears in my eyes, eyes that are wide with wonder of how the world could ever be better if he's not here to hold me, to love me.
"I... I don't know Fianna. I just know what he was thinking. And that's what it was. Of you. It was always you."
I feel the tear that's been awaiting its moment finally trickle down my cheek. That boy. It was always me. Sometimes I almost wish it wasn't. Maybe if I was his second choice he would've lived. Maybe if I never knew him he would've lived. Maybe-
"Stop that," Wanda grabs my wrists gently, "Stop with the maybes, stop with the what ifs. He made his choice, and yes it hurts, but you can't change it."
"But I could've," I sob, "If I had just not left, or- or not volunteer in the first place then maybe-"
"Fianna, don't do this to yourself," Wanda pleads, pulling me into her lap. "You'll torture yourself with these scenarios, trust me, I know."
"But... but he- it's my fault. It's always my fault. I'm cursed."
"You aren't cursed malen'kaya volk. You've got me. You've got Orlaith, and Eoghan, and your other friends. You've got Tommy," Wanda says hopefully, trying to cheer me up.
(Little wolf)
She's doing her best, but she'd wrong, she doesn't realise how wrong she is. It doesn't matter who I've got. I'll lose them. I always do. I lost my parents. I've lost him. I've even lost the Braun twins.
"Yeah, you're right, I do have you. Except you're leaving me. I've got Orlaith and Eoghan. But I can't go back to them. My other friends are mercenaries who travel around the globe and if the feds have even looked near the bar then they hate me. No matter who I've got its only a matter of time before I lose them."
"You still have Tommy."
"Ah, yes, Tomás 'Tommy' McConnell. My baby brother. The one I abandoned to get experimented on by Nazis. The one who's class I shifted in front of. The one who's subjected to bullying because of that incident. The one who's been banned from seeing me and has to meet with me in secret without my parents knowing."
"Fianna, you didn't mean for that to happen," Wanda places a hand on my shoulder to reassure me. I jerk it off, not wanting the undeserved comfort.
"Wanda. I've done more to hurt my baby brother than I have to help him. I was supposed to see him the day you called. He probably hates me for bailing, but what can I say to him? 'Sorry I bailed, your big sis was too busy becoming an international criminal. Maybe I'll see you in a few years, I don't know, depends on when they let me out!' Wanda I've abandoned him, yet again."
Wanda freezes momentarily, realising how this mess I've been dragged into has impacted my life so drastically. I know that she's going to place blame on herself, and maybe she should, but I knew what I was getting into. She told me to jump and I'd merely questioned how high.
"Fianna, you should- you shouldn't have come if you were going to see Tommy. I would've understood, you know that."
"But I couldn't have said no Wanda. Not to you, not ever. I owe you my everything. I probably wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you. If I stated with HYDRA any longer I probably would've ended up in the same ditch the Brauns were buried in. I'm a dog, you know that, you call me and I'll come running. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you, I always come through for you, every time. Just in time."
"Fianna..."
"Time's getting on, we'd need to get to the others. We have conversations on more pressing matter to talk about," I say coldly, standing up and leaving the room without even glancing back at the girl I know that I've hurt.
I never wanted to hurt her... I never wanted the conversation to shift to where it did beyond our catch up. I've never been good with feelings, feeling them or expressing them. That's what happens when you grow up with emotionally constipated parents and then become a child soldier. I've brought most of the pain I've experienced onto myself, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
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