#But now like a year later I'm like. Wow. I'm queer! I call myself queer both generally and as part of my gender

[rosemarytrash]

me drama posting cuz i actually had a really good experience today but it was rly nerve wracking lmao

in case some of you didn't know, i currently live in montana!! it's a nice enough state for its nature and the like, but politically it's kind of a shit show. pros and cons y'know, but as a trans guy it's fairly lame. also, bcuz geography is important, i live in eastern montana, not on the cool western side where all the mountain queers go hang out. that's generalizing a lot but it is what it is so bare with

anyway, back in 2021 there was a bill passed (SB 280) that effectively made it impossible for trans people to change their gender marker on their birth certificate or other identifying documents without having a sex change surgery, while at the same time writing in that no surgery exists to change your sex on a chromosomal level or any of that bullshit. whereas before that bill was passed, montana law was a little more loosey goosey about it. mainly in that it didn't yet have a republican legislature hyperfixated on a culture war to drum up support so trans people weren't really IDENTIFIED by the law, which was ironically kind of easier to navigate. idk, shit weird, i'm no expert

anyway, tbh, i never really CARED about changing my gender marker. i changed my name legally back when i was like 15 or 16 and i believe, at that time, i had the option to simultaneously change my gender marker. for whatever reason, i decided not to. i think it had something to do with healthcare and trying not to fuck up the future possibility of getting on T, which didn't happen for another year for me. i've also always been fairly loose about my gender identity in terms of a full identification with maleness/manhood. like, i'm a guy, i'm a dude, don't call me anything except that, but on a deeply personal level i see myself a little more in between on that kind of scale. maybe something inherently non-binary but no label has ever quite fit the bill, so trans guy with an asterisk will have to do. anyway!!! i don't really recall why i made that call, but i had, and it truthfully never really got me into any trouble. for all the times i later had to flash my ID, even to this date, i can only really recall one time where a gas station clerk gave me a weird look and said "sir... ma'am... sir-ma'am... here ya go" when i was buying cigarettes lmao. i was never questioned about it by employers and as far as i know was never turned away from a job because of it (which is good because montana doesn't have employment protections for trans people (last i checked)). so i truthfully spent a good 7 or so years relatively unbothered by this fact or by the fact that i had an F on my driver's license. it was inconsequential to me

recently though with republicans doing more and more lines of anti-LGBTQ cocaine and more people becoming aware of trans people, it's been unsettling here. y'know just mildly discomforting. and mentally that is fatiguing. i've also only now encountered some bureaucratic bullshit that's like okay, wow, this is actually going to be a bigger problem in the future and i'm not wanting to deal with that. mainly in the form of i'm getting married here soon, we want to try and do some kind of honeymoon adventure in the distant future, so for that i need an passport and from what i've read that can be a real fucking headache for trans people and it can be even harder to change in the future. so like blugh. i'm also in the process of applying to grad school and it's just--kind of annoying to have to identify myself a certain way. it's weird cuz i won't pretend it's put me in some life-threatening situation or there's anything that feels DIRE about needing to change it, but it just feels like there'd be a lot less awkwardness and vulnerability if i did. ironically when montanans were less redpilled i didn't care about changing all my legal shit over, but now that your average grandpa here thinks of trans people as botched teenage girls or child predators in bathrooms and THAT's their reason for getting out of the house to go to the polls next year, well yeah now i give a shit about "deceiving" the system. idk it's dumb

anyway i actually KNOW the girl who is the plaintiff against the govt in the lawsuit against SB 280. she's really cool and it's cool that i know her. i ended up reaching out to her a few months back to ask how that was going and what it meant for changing your gender marker in MT. and fantastically i had found out that late 2022 the judge on the case had issued an order that forced the DPHHS to suspend its practice under SB 280 since it was a fundamentally unworkable law and to return to its original practice prior, which allowed trans people and frankly anyone else with good enough cause to change their gender marker without meeting some bullshit made up requirements by the state.

it then took me months to get the gumption to actually write, edit, and file a petition for it. which i finally did today, and it surprisingly all got done in an afternoon, even though hypothetically the courthouse at 1PM on a tuesday should've been fairly busy. i'll be interested to see how it goes, because just cuz it's filed doesn't mean anything is certain. to my knowledge, LEGALLY, it should be a done deal, i should get an order from the judge that will allow me to get a new birth certificate and a new driver's license and all that jazz. but what do i know? the judge may want to have a hearing about it, which could be incredibly awkward in a courtroom full of other people waiting to have their cases heard, but idfk. my fingers are crossed that it'll go okay.

and it was kind of a good experience? i was as anxious as one could imagine. i'm a bearded dude walking in with paperwork asking kindly for an F to become an M lol. and the gals at the courthouse were momentarily confused, raised a few brows, had to talk to someone to see what the current rulings were in that previously mentioned lawsuit, but they were nice enough about it. they got my shit filed, they took $120 from me rather apologetically cuz that's what shit costs to file a civil petition in the state district courts. i get to find out by email if the judge will just approve the order i drafted or if he's going to want to speak to me. and i'm hoping either of those things happen before the wedding so none of that paperwork becomes a headache.

anyway this is a long post cuz i have a lot of thoughts and either i ramble on and on to my fiancee about it or i just splurge on whatever few unfortunate souls decide to read this :) thx if you do. there's no point really to any of it yk just airing out some thoughts i guess. i'll go draw some gay shit now <3

[littelestvic]

On the Estoni Kohverfication of littleVIC (or about my first experience in a queer barber)

Happy pride! I wanted to write about how today was my first time getting a masc haircut because the decisions that led me to this are kinda funny

I've been wanting to get a new haircut for a while now but it's usually a very traumatic experience. I'm a closeted transmasc guy that is very bad at passing so usually hairdressers will deny to give me masculine haircuts and I end up feeling stupid. So there's periods of time where I simply leave my hair long.

On the other side, if you have been following this blog for a while you can see how I easily obsess over male celebrities and how my gender envy tends to project my transmasc needs into the celebs I like. Last year, it was Kris Gustin from Joker Out, and now, my obsession has passed from exclusively Kris to also pass onto Estoni Kohver from 5Miinust (do you know that Kohver's real name is also Kris? What a coincidence...). And you might think this is a downgrade of some sort (why do I pass to wanting to become one of the most gorgeous person I have ever laid my eyes upon to just some middle aged Estonian guy??) but the thing is, that's the kinda guy I feel I could actually look like in 10 years if I put effort into it! I got obsessed over Kohver because he reminds me of myself already. I am very self-conscious about my round, baby-faced features that make me feel I could never pass as a guy, and I felt surprised to see how Kohver... Kinda has my same face shape. The round cheeks? The nose shape? The mouth? Am I going insane or do I kinda look like Estoni Kohver 5Miinust already?! (Spoiler I am insane yes, but please feed into my poor delusions). And I think I passed from being like "wow he's so cool" to "I NEED to become him" when one of my best friends kinda pointed out how "he kinda looks like you" and "you could tell me he's your father and I would believe you". And I took that personal.

Anyways the most obvious outcome for me was to get a haircut based on Eurovision Estonian man.

I went to a queer barber for the first time in my live and I must say the experience was amazing! I was a bit scared and I messed it up a few times (I made the call to book in front of my classmates and the barber asked for my name, I panicked, and gave her my deadname), but the barber did her best to made me comfortable. Because haircuts are traumatic experiences for me, I tried to be as clear as possible and made a chart for her about what my hair looked like and what I wanted:

The barber found it super cute actually, and then I later explained I did it because I'm anxious about haircuts, and that the guy I wanted to look like was a guy from Eurovision because I love Eurovision, so we ended up talking a lot about that too. It was overall a very pleasant experience. I think she was a bit aware of what was happening as as soon as I stepped on her shop she just didn't used my deadname at all, and while I never really disclosed my current name she just decided to nickname me "Pam" possibly in hopes of avoiding using a name I was clearly a bit conscious about.

Anyways. What's the result??? WELL LET ME TELL YOU I LOVE THE RESULT 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️

I think I look like I'm about to sing Nendest narkootikumidest ei tea me küll midagi If you ask me.....

Also I'm very thankful about all my followers in the Twitter dot com that saw me kinda scared about me getting a haircut and they all immediately going like "omg is that Estoni Kohver 5Miinust" when I showed my new haircut. I know there is a lot more to do on my trans journey but this is a big step for me. So I'm happy people have been supportive of this small step.

This all does not make much sense but I just wanted to talk about it so there you go :P

[loisinherlane]

so i got the new chb book, and i'm going to "liveblog" it, but this is all under the cut in case anyone who follows me is going to read it!

to start off: the dedication says to all the nicos, wills, pipers, and everyone in between. does that mean canon bi will? PLEASE.

also canon curly-haired will.

Sometimes, Nico's brain thought of a joke and it came out of his mouth a second later without any sort of filter at all. That's exactly what happened when he blurted out, "My whole life is a disorder!" Will hadn't laughed at that.

mood

nico notes that he's felt guilty about leaving bob in tartarus everyday for the last three years. has it been three years? what the hell

NICO'S FULL NAME IS NOW CANONICALLY NICCOLO

nico acknowledging that he misses percy ;-;

the changes in the backgrounds of the pages have me intrigued. i have suspicions about what it could mean, but i'm holding my thoughts for now

well shit. what a prophecy.

i adore how nico just. prefers people who are kind of obnoxious. the gray sisters. mr. d. love his energy of asking to share his popcorn.

nico gets points for pointing out that a mortal life wouldn't be the equivalent of an immortal, but i'm not convinced this is all about bob. i'm going to call it: i think bianca will appear.

i know it's been talked to death but cargo shorts boy will gets my heart

GROVER AND JUNIPER!!!

Nico didn't answer, though one theory lurked in a dark corner of his mind: Maybe because Bob thought I would help, but he wasn't sure about you two.

yes,,,,

if this ending is what i'm worried it will be, i'll be pissed

huh. i guess they've been separated but don't realize it. is this some dream of events that (may have) already happened?

nico mentioning jason among the people he missed even in the first trip to tartarus--continuity error or were they friendly before?

error??? it wasn't hypnos in manhattan but morpheus

lmao will liking true crime

wow. i do not like nico's actual coming out because that sounds like hell to me. but whatever. at least there's more canon queer?

i'm so excited just for persephone to be here. marking the page 243 of the conversation i want to remember but "then why not offer him your darkness?" is so romantic.

the editing for this book is so fucking bad. my mother is bianca??? literally what the fuck. this isn't even consistent within the book.

i'm sorry, nico having children with nyx, even with the way it's portrayed, is fucking disgustin

alright, in the end, the book is meh. i think it just didn't dive deep enough into anything i was wanting, but i'm okay with that. i'll do it myself. the queer stuff was nice for the kids, but i still think it was a little overzealous in the portrayal of how nico would act. just... in my experience, it's never that easy. anyway. the end.

[dreamsofzane]

Origins

It was 2009. The end of my senior year in high school. As per tradition, once I received my yearbook, I carried it around daily so that teachers, friends, and anyone else who felt like it could sign the back and crystalize their presence in my life.

We were all stepping out into the relative unknown. I guess I just had to be deep, so I used my yearbook photo caption as a declaration of how I saw myself and who I wanted to become in the world.

I can do the impossible, rise above the insurmountable, and reach the unreachable through Christ who strengthens me. It was was an adaptation of a scripture used in a song by Myron Butler.

When our yearbooks were printed, a friend of mine said something like, wow Ezra I saw your yearbook quote and it was all spiritual and serious. You're so crazy, I thought you would have put something wild in there.

I probably laughed, pondered on the sentiment for a bit, then tucked it away. But I never forgot it.

This moment was one of the first distinct times someone not only saw me clearly, but also perceived and verbalized the dilemma I existed in. It was a mirror moment for me. During that time I felt like I was straddling two conflicting worlds. And I so desperately wanted to fully belong to both. At home, I was a good Pentecostal storefront church boy in every sense of the word. I didn't see myself as just a church-goer. It was the essence of my life. It shaped my worldview. I was saved, and I yearned to be Holy Ghost filled. I barely had earthly aspirations. All I saw in my future was singing worship music. Maybe I'd go to Bible college and join a mega church's payroll, sing behind Israel Houghton, or somehow join Tye Tribbet & GA. Side-note for all my singers - that in itself was a pipe dream because to this day I am not a tenor, and back then even Tye's tenors were actually altos, very high-key.

On the other side of my double life, I secretly bagged my first real boyfriend right when I got baptized after freshman year. I loved all the secular music I wasn't supposed to be listening to. And just about every other joke that I made at school was something risqué and raunchy. That's how people outside of my family and church knew me.

I never really felt like I could be a whole person. I had no concept of what that meant. There was righteousness, and sin. Being in the world, but not of it. My feelings, my flesh – those were in conflict with God, and my job was to pick up my cross and deny everything else.

And baybee – those feelings?! My hormones were on fire and I wanted all the boys in my yard, watering my grass with milkshakes of every flavor. Because you know, high school was a diverse landscape. But if I didn't deny what I was feeling, back then I believed I would be riding the most lusciously, engorged, divinely-crafted – lawnmower, straight into Lucifer's hot burning bush as a result.

Over time the pressure to deny myself, built up so much that I had to leave the church and explore on my own. The years that followed felt solitary, ungrounded, and confusing to say the least. But I just had to allow myself to feel those things. And I'm so glad I did. I have to take a moment here to thank Bilal's All Matter & Who Are You, Erykah's Didn't Cha Know, and the movie Prayers for Bobby, for collectively forming a prayer circle around me during 2011-2012.

I could be projecting, but it's quite likely that the church adjacent boyfriends I've had over the years all lived with an unspoken heartbreak about having to either sever ties or awkwardly maneuver through their families of origin – families that were often times deeply religious, and thus explicitly, violently, and traumatically opposed our ability to even acknowledge our queerness – let alone claim it. But not one person I encountered who felt familiar to me (a trauma bond sort of familiar) seemed to really know what they were doing in earnest. Nor were they able to speak on it in full. Something always felt unreconciled. We were all young and unsure.

Ironically enough it was a moment during a church service that changed my life, affirmed me spiritually, and assured me that I had to leave the very home that raised me ideologically. More on this later.

What I will say now is that as hedonistic, irreverent, ignorant, or lost as I may appear to some – I was guided to where I am today. Perhaps because I opened myself up to it, the spirit world made itself known to me both within the settings I grew up in, and without.

I am the living result of generations of endurance. Love, grace and wisdom find their way to me. From the continent, to the island, to the concrete, through the altar call, through the divination. Somehow I continue to be found day by day.

BUT FIRST I HAD TO GET VERY LOST OKAY?!

Happy 30th Birthday to me!

Until next time – peace.

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Jesse

Jac: [as you said he encouraged her to gatecrash, I figure it makes sense he'd check in on that after the posts, Amelia called JJ lol] Jesse: 👍? Jac: 🖕 Jesse: ☕? Jac: no I feel sick Jesse: [brings her a glass of water and tablets but like puts them on her bedside table and then leaves] Jac: you're just as bad Jesse: as bad as? Jac: her Jac: don't try be nice Jesse: 🖕 Jesse: Alright? Jac: 🙄 Jac: no that was so halfhearted Jesse: it weren't only you who had a late one Jac: then don't bother Jesse: nice try, dickhead Jac: ask mum and dad Jac: i'm not in a gossiping mood Jesse: the walls ain't that thick Jac: just your head Jac: gotcha Jesse: Must be a family thing you inherited as well as Jac: if I can blame all of you Jac: fine by me Jesse: crack on Jesse: I hope it makes you feel loads better Jac: your fake sympathy is only marginally better than your real but solid attempt Jesse: you didn't want tea, they go together Jac: hence I declined Jac: don't feel sorry for me, twat Jesse: I don't Jesse: Amelia on the other hand Jac: you can go commiserate with her then Jac: she needs some new gay friends Jesse: I don't fit the bill then and she don't wanna hear from me how shit her girlfriend is Jac: She's well aware, don't worry Jac: beat you to it Jesse: Yeah, the comments tell the story, like Jesse: and a 📷's worth loads of words Jac: it was meant to be blatant Jac: no 🍪 for working it out Jesse: just 🏆🥇 for you Jac: naturally Jac: why else would I go Jesse: 'Cause you miss her Jesse: you were mates and it was her birthday Jesse: Dunno, there's 2 💡s Jac: Ha Jac: you ask her how much love she's feeling now Jac: I wanted her to have a shit time and she did, mission accomplished Jesse: You're alright, tah, that's blatant an' all Jac: yeah, no need to act like you're that thick now you ain't in the dark Jesse: nah, the act's all yours Jesse: I'll leave it out Jac: yeah, I'm acting like a cunt, I'm a really, really nice person actually Jac: literally as bad as her Jesse: We're all wrong and you're right Jesse: 🏆🥇 Jac: no shit Jac: gotta suck Jesse: I'll live Jac: thrilled for you, Jess Jesse: 👍 Jesse: Good talk Jac: the fact you expected anything else is on you Jac: you go apologize to her, you'll feel better Jesse: It was her who fought your battles for you, nowt to do with me Jac: you told me to go Jesse: To make up with her, you twat Jac: and why did you think I'd ever do that? Jac: what kind of fucking fantasy land are you living in Jesse: I thought she might get through to you Jesse: that kinda fantasy land Jac: 😂 Jesse: it ain't much of a laugh but alright Jac: not to you Jesse: you ain't laughing either Jac: I can if you want Jac: rather I was crying but nah Jesse: Piss off, your vocal chords don't work any more Jac: So? Jac: that's got fuck all to do with missing Amelia, I'm so sorry Jesse: Never said it did Jac: you thought it did Jac: as fucking if Jesse: I thought she could help you, nowt else Jesse: giving her too much credit Jac: unlucky Jesse: 💔 Jac: I don't need any help Jac: and you should give the fuck up Jesse: I don't play 🎻 Jesse: you might as well shut up Jac: I already have, dipshit Jesse: Stop typing playground insults at me then Jac: Go away then Jac: you've achieved nothing, and you're not going to Jesse: You're a shit 👻 Jesse: next time throw something Jac: I've got what I needed from the situation Jesse: 👌 Jac: is Jude here or what Jesse: do you hear her? Jac: its the middle of the night Jac: morning Jesse: it's the afternoon near enough Jac: can I go to bed or not Jesse: she's at a mates Jac: thank god Jesse: might be back in a bit, like I said, it ain't as early as you think Jac: if I knock myself out she won't be able to speak to me Jesse: you won't be able to answer, she can still go on about whatever she likes Jac: I won't hear her, same difference Jesse: same as when you're awake, yeah Jac: no, unfortunately I can still hear her Jesse: Gutted Jac: no shit Jesse: Try 🎧 Jac: I don't like music Jesse: don't listen to any then Jesse: other media exists Jac: I don't like any of that either Jesse: 🙄 Jac: you'll survive Jesse: Nobody likes the news, stick it on to drown her out and get over it Jac: I have no interest in feeling better Jac: at least she's good for that Jesse: Bit rude Jac: it's a compliment Jac: she has fuck all else use Jesse: Bollocks is it Jesse: you've got less use, at least she walks the 🐕🐕🐕 Jac: I clearly don't care about being of any use to any of you Jac: it's all about what you can do for me, which is very little but make my crippling depression much worse Jesse: achieved that then ✔ Jac: hooray Jesse: 🥳 Jac: you missed it Jesse: had one I was actually invited to go to Jac: wow, that's so impressive Jac: would you like me to pretend I'm jealous? Jesse: pretend what you like Jac: so generous Jesse: pat on the back'll be in the post Jac: I got better by myself with her girlfriend, tah Jesse: I can't pretend there's owt impressive about that, soz Jesse: get your 🏆🥇 off her if you're bothered Jac: as if I did it for the brag Jesse: she will have done Jac: give a fuck what she does or doesn't Jesse: I got that Jac: so what's your fucking point Jesse: you either wanna talk or you don't Jesse: I give a fuck about Valentina Jesse: I know exactly what she's like Jac: yeah, I don't fucking fancy her, it's not me you need or needed to tell Jac: she's clearly a slag Jesse: I don't need to tell Amelia either Jesse: everyone knows she collects queers Jesse: she's been trying to be mates with me for years Jac: not now Jac: too late Jesse: Time was already running out for them, no need Jesse: been obvious from day 1 Jac: yeah and I'm a shit friend Jesse: she ain't mine Jac: she's not mine Jesse: not now Jac: not for ages Jac: if ever Jac: so you're just a cunt for no reason Jesse: how am I? Jac: you knew and you didn't say shit Jac: even though you've got no reason to fuck with her life Jac: so, you're a cunt Jesse: she knew and she'd have still called it bollocks if I said anything Jesse: it's her life Jac: yeah, sure Jesse: yeah, she had her reasons, must've done Jac: mhmm, tell yourself that Jesse: you're the only person she's ever properly listened to, but go on and tell yourself it's my fault Jac: I know what I did, tah Jesse: and the only head you're doing in with going on about it is yours Jac: you think I care? Jesse: you do, it ain't about what I think Jac: I really don't Jac: it's what she was owed, simple as Jesse: she had something you cared enough about to need to fuck with Jesse: if you didn't give a fuck you wouldn't bother about what she was or wasn't owed Jesse: nowt would matter like you keep telling yourself it don't Jac: all I care about is everything being as shit as possible Jac: and pushing you all far away Jac: I've never said that wasn't the case but yeah, go off with your pseudo-psych Jesse: and all you did was push her onto the end of a phone with mum and dad, well done Jesse: closer that she was before, that Jac: yeah and? Jac: they can chat all they fucking please I don't have to join in Jesse: and don't come to me chuffed to bits with yourself when you've got no reason to be Jesse: there's the and Jac: awh Jac: you got woke up Jac: weren't me shouting Jesse: Never is Jac: well observed Jesse: I ain't in enough of a mard about the wake up call for you to get your only joy out of it, soz like Jac: whatever shall I do Jac: 💔 Jesse: Kettle's always on round here Jac: Hilarious Jesse: you'll have to get it yourself Jesse: doubly 💔 I know Jac: I don't like tea Jac: and I'm certainly not making any of you a cup Jesse: I ain't asking for one, I've got work Jac: how fun Jesse: 👋 Jac: enjoy Jesse: 🤞 Jac: try not to wake me when you get back Jesse: Got nothing to shout about Jac: gutted Jesse: won't be you getting the 🎻s out Jac: yeah, you can't play it Jesse: and I'm alright for learning any more instruments at the minute Jac: lazy Jesse: it's loud enough around here Jac: take that up with the rest Jac: they don't take pointed silence as a fucking hint Jesse: worked that out by myself, tah Jesse: have lived here long as you Jac: not quite Jesse: good as Jac: those 10 months without you were the best of my life Jesse: keep them close to your 🖤 Jesse: nowt I can do about it Jac: can't retroactively give dad a vasectomy Jesse: 💔 Jac: so sad Jesse: I got that Jac: good Jac: it's not all for nothing Jesse: 👍 Jac: can't we swap rooms Jesse: if you want Jac: really? Jac: her shit is everywhere Jesse: Don't matter Jac: i'm going sleep in your bed then Jesse: yours Jesse: that's what a swap is Jac: yes but i'm not moving the beds right now Jesse: Alright Jac: tell everyone you said its fine Jesse: weren't gonna keep it a secret Jac: Jameson and Jude will be pissed off Jesse: and? Jac: I don't wanna be rudely awoken Jac: we need a bigger house Jesse: my job don't pay that well Jac: two more years Jesse: ✔ Jac: that was an affirmation for me, not you Jesse: say it in your head then Jac: you either want me to talk or not dickhead Jesse: whinging weren't part of the deal, dickhead Jac: that's the only way you talk Jac: or singing, as you call it Jesse: SO funny, you Jac: just honest Jesse: honestly, go to bed Jac: I can't Jesse: ? Jac: too much on my mind Jesse: Yeah Jac: and I'm pretty wired Jac: I'm gonna go study Jesse: I'm out the door but you can come with Jesse: study there Jac: people will think I work there Jac: then you'll get terrible reviews Jesse: not if you stay in the back Jesse: it's well quiet there too Jac: does Ben come in lots still? Jac: Ben from Science, the one you sit next to Jesse: What's lots? Jesse: he comes in Jac: will he come in today? Jesse: I can text him Jac: that's lame Jac: I'll take a selfie Jac: he'll show Jesse: 👌 Jac: right, I'll be there later Jac: I need to re-do my makeup Jesse: in a bit then Jac: should I shower Jesse: Probably Jac: he's not worth it Jac: more probably messy is his type Jesse: so there's your answer Jac: fuck it Jac: keep the smudged mascara Jesse: 🥇💡? Jac: if not Ben it'll work on the other guys there Jesse: Steady on Jac: what? Jesse: You know what Jac: no Jesse: Yeah you do Jac: I can do what I want Jesse: you don't want this Jac: yes I literally do Jesse: Fuck's sake Jac: shut up Jesse: You can not talk to Ben or whoever Jesse: you can't shut me up Jac: don't be a baby about it Jesse: Don't do it Jac: are you always this much of a downer, jesus Jesse: I'll chuck you out Jac: then I'll just go somewhere else and hook up with someone else Jesse: You're such a prick Jac: its literally none of your business so Jesse: you made it my business when you told me about it Jac: whatever Jac: I'm gonna hit up someone else Jesse: Don't whatever me or this Jac: you can't do anything Jesse: You're still there and I ain't far off, I'll come back Jac: oh really Jac: you're gonna shut me in my room on the grounds of hoeing are you Jesse: If you make me Jac: you're funny Jesse: I don't give a fuck, Jac, alright? Jesse: Stop Jac: No Jesse: stop Jac: Why? Jesse: just stop Jac: No Jac: this is what I need to do Jesse: Bollocks Jesse: you need to stop Jac: nope Jac: its the last step of the plan Jesse: [he's coming back for this showdown, soz Pete because he blatantly works at your record store cafe moment] Jac: [whos bed you in that's a fun game of hide and seek] Jesse: [he's a woman don't test him, also soz Jameson and Cammie if you're here] Jac: [ah the drama, gonna have to fight your brother] Jesse: [such fun] Jac: [I hope JJ are there to break this up it must be the weekend so fingers crossed lmao] Jesse: [one of them should get hurt accidentally before they do because what a mood and also they'd be fuming] Jac: [who would you rather] Jesse: [I don't mind either way, could make a case for either so] Jac: [probably him for the angst and she's not in the mindset to be remotely careful like we're just trying to get out so if he tries to stop us we're going in] Jesse: [he is a soft boy like his father so that makes sense, JJ gonna be like wtf because they are the closest of these siblings have they ever even fought before probably not] Jac: [oh the drama, get the gal in therapy but she won't lol] Jesse: [storm off to work boy like you're remotely in the right mindset to be there] Jac: [can't even tracy apologize Jesse: [Jude will be gutted she missed this drama] Jac: [aren't we all]

[onrainynights]

So I'm about to tell y'all a tale, buckle up. Everything here is 100% true, except names are changed or shortened because duh. Also warning there is slightly nsfw content, nothing explicit and only mentioned but still warrants a warning.

So, I'm 17, almost 18. I'm a high school senior. The story starts almost two years ago, in the fall of 2018. I was a sophomore. One of my best friends, V, was in our school's show choir for the first time, and had made friends with a new guy one year our senior who was also in slow choir. I knew before I met him that he was gay, because V told me. This guy can be called E. One day, he sits at our lunch table and I'm not really paying attention to his conversation with V, I'm just eating my lunch. But then I look up and my first thought when I see him is "eyebrows" because he has really thick eyebrows and then "wow he's actually really cute." He was the first person I was attracted to in over 2 years. I proceed to ask V all about him while admiring him from afar for several months. At this point its nothing more than attraction because I've never really had a conversation with him. Then, in the spring, I volunteered at the show choir competition my school hosted. I ended up talking to him (yay), and he hugs me within minutes of meeting me. One of the first things I ever say to him is "I like your eyebrows." Things are slightly awkward, because I'm an awkward person, and so is he, but it's pleasant. Unfortunately I don't get to spend too much time with him because we both had things we needed to do and there was A LOT of drama that night not involving either of us.

After that point we would talk occasionally but never really got to know each other, UNTIL fall of my junior year and his senior year. By this point I had a crush, but it wasn't more than that and I didn't feel we knew each other well enough to warrant me telling him my feelings. We were both in the fall musical. At auditions, we were friendly. Except he asked me about J, a guy one year younger than me, who was also just as gay as both me and E. The way he asked me "Who is that?" I knew, immediately, that he was attracted to J. He sounded exactly like I did when I first asked V about E after seeing him for the first time.

Regardless, E and me talked a lot more during rehearsals, though we usually kept our conversations light in topic. We flowed well, and he was just as physically affectionate as I was. After a few weeks, I see him cuddling with J during rehearsal, and a friend informs me they started dating. I asked them both questions about how it started—a Snapchat story, go figure. At first I was jealous, but I saw how happy E seemed, and that was all that mattered. But I didn't really know J, like at all other than his name, so I started spending as much time as I could with the both of them. They were a cute couple, I have to admit, but they always did PDA because of J's homophobic family. They only ever saw each other at school.

The first time I talked to J without E there, we bonded. I don't remember over what. The next time, we were alone because I pulled him aside after he made a dirty joke that I honestly couldn't tell if he meant (he did. It was hilarious, and I told him up-front that I wanted to be friends with him. He enthusiastically agreed.) The time after that, it was because I decided he should know about my feelings for E. I didn't want him to potentially find out later on and think I was trying to steal his boyfriend. He was amazingly mature. He said he felt bad for taking E from me when I had liked him longer, but I assured him that E didn't belong to me by any means and besides, J made E happy and that was all I cared about. I think I was already in love with E by this point but I didn't know it yet. J and I joked about my feelings for E whenever we were alone. We got along really well and it was a great time.

One time I cuddled with them, and it was nice, and when E had to get up J and I kept cuddling and talked about how much we both just wanted E to be happy. It was really nice.

And then, closer to the opening night of the show when the set was being built and there were more places to be out of sight, something strange happened. Now, earlier when I said PDA I meant they made out in front of others frequently, and the first time they did anything sexual with each other was in a well-known security camera blind spot in the upstairs math hall after all the teachers had gone home. I know that because J and E (mostly J) liked to tell me about their sex life. In fact, I knew more about their relationship than most people probably did.

So we were backstage one day, when E wasn't needed on-stage much despite playing a main character. There were two prop chairs between the three of us. J sat on E's lap on the chair that had a higher back and I sat as close to them as I could in an office chair. They weren't kissing or anything, just talking.

It was innocent, at first. But then J started working E up, if you know what I mean. It wasn't really uncomfortable for me, because J somehow made me feel ~included~ in their activities. He would whisper something lewd to E, who would blush or say something back, and then would tell me about how affected E was, how hard he was. At some point I think E mentioned not wanting to come in his pants, but I'm not sure. I kinda forced myself not to look into this event after it happened, so the details are a bit fuzzy. Eventually, E made J stop because he had to go on stage soon and didn't want to have a boner while pretending to be straight. J and I talked afterwards, but I don't remember what about, and it was never mentioned between us again. I'm fairly sure that J was a bit of an exhibitionist, and that E wasn't really one but wasn't opposed to what J was doing, either.

Honestly, in hindsight, I'm not sure what to think about this, because I was always so certain they both viewed me 100% platonically, but then they included me in their "sexytimes" without hesitation. In fact, at one point a plan was in place for me to room with them on an overnight trip so that they could do the do without making their roommate uncomfortable. They were both fully aware that I was probably the only person who didn't mind their PDA, and that sentiment may seem incongruous for a love triangle such as this, but I never questioned it. I loved E selflessly, and so it made me happy to see him happy, no matter what—or who—was doing so. Also, I think perhaps I was crushing on J at some point, but I'm not sure. These screenshots are of me explaining the event to a very close friend a few days ago after the shock wore off that I hadn't told her about it as soon as it happened.

At some point, a mutual good friend of mine and E's, who we'll call A, hosted a party for the cast of our musical. I'm not sure if this was before or after the casual exhibitionism incident, but I'm inclined to think it was before.

This party did not involve alcohol of any kind because theatre kids don't need any to make a party unique, wild, and totally unforgettable. It was small, with maybe 20 people at its peak. E and I were there and J was not, because his family thoroughly sucked ass. Anyway, at that party E told me he was in love with J, and wanted to marry him some day. I, obviously, thought that was kinda crazy to say after knowing each other for two months, but I held my tongue because E smiled so widely when he said it. Later that same night, everyone was sitting around a fire, playing a game somewhat similar to truth or dare. Due to a lack of seating, E ended up sitting on my lap for most of the game, which lasted over an hour, my hands around his waist. It was very nice, and when he got up he laughed and said he forgot he was sitting on my lap. He forgot little things like that a lot. I always found it endearing.

Then the show performed and then it was over, and I didn't get to talk to E again until a few months later, and I never talked to J again. Unlike most teens, I do not talk to people online /through text unless I already know them super super well. I hate getting to know people over text. By the time I see E again, because he's the student assistant in my choir class that semester, he and J have broken up. It was messy, and E is hurt. They're on-again-off-again for several months, but I can never forgive J for hurting E, not when he had talked about only wanting E to be happy. Despite that, I wish I could have spent more time with J. He was a good person, but he and E had a toxic relationship after the honeymoon stage, I think because J simply was not ready to be in a serious relationship. (A agrees with me fully on this.)

So E talks with me and a mutual "friend" (we're all friendly but I wouldn't consider this person a friend. Funnily enough, he also had a crush on E at some point, and we bonded over this. Funny how that happens.) about his relationship, and the things he says raise some red flags about J (including J doing something E didn't like during sex and then not stopping when E asked him to. I was very very angry at this but tried not to show it). It became clear to me that their relationship was toxic, but I didn't feel like I could do anything about it. In hindsight, I should have known their relationship was doomed a lot sooner.

Specifically, there was one point during the musical that J had to resolve things with his ex, who was a friend of mine (who I didn't know was queer and wasn't supposed to until E accidentally let it slip.) While J and his ex talked, I cuddled with E and reassured him that everything would be ok. He was convinced that J would cheat on him or get back with his ex. This lack of trust should have been a sign for me, but I didn't realize it until much, much later. I was focused on comforting E at the time and J couldn't have been farther from my mind.

Then, after E and J got back together again for the last time, covid happened, and school closed. I haven't spoken to E since, and no one knows what's going on with J. The only thing anyone knows is that they're not together anymore, and from what I can tell, they're not in contact at all and aren't going to get together again. E graduated, J is at a different school, and despite everything, I miss both of them.

Every day, I pass by a photo of E and A in the hallway of my school, and my heart swells, and I feel like crying. A graduated too, and she's moving thousands of miles away at the end of October for college. E is still living in our town, going to community college, but I never get to see him.

Our school is doing a fall play instead of a musical this year, and E and A are coming to visit and see a rehearsal before A moves away. It could be one of the last times, if not the last time, I get to see either of them. I'm going to tell E about my feelings, because for the first time since I realized my feelings for him were not skin-deep, he's single and not recovering from a nasty breakup. I'm not expecting him to return my feelings, but I'm expecting surprise. I've been very careful up to this point to keep my feelings from him—I thought it would be selfish to tell him when he wasn't emotionally available. A loves the idea—apparently she thinks someone confessing feelings for her after years would be sweet—but I know that if someone did that to me I might not be so happy. I would be shocked and surprised first, and then my reaction after that would depend on the person.

Also, to complicate all of this, I'm trans and he has expressed confusion about that before (poor guy is uneducated in that department, but not bigoted and certainly better than some gay men can be, but I still have no clue if my trans status would deter him from having feelings for me)

My feelings for this guy are deeper than anything I've ever felt before. I really love him, and I know that I'll regret it forever if I never tell him. His visit feels like it's as close to the right time as I'm gonna get, and it might be my last chance on top of that. I don't need him to return my feelings, but I need to know that I did everything I could to take my chances.

TL;DR: I'm a gay idiot but I'm finally gonna tell him how I feel

[dykedykegooses]

i'm askin u every single even numbered question for the lesbian ask game

at least you didnt bother with the algebra this time, for which i am thankful

Femme or butch?

i’m more femme but i try to act butch sometimes and i just end up failing hopelessly. ‘look mom i know how to put air in a tire!!’ ‘peyton thats like… not even right’ or ‘oh SHIT look at that blitz!! that was cool’ ‘peyton that was a sack’ ‘oh’

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

not really, mostly just like… humor. if u funny we click

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

why not both?

no but seriously plaid tbh

Describe your style

um yes

converse, (ripped? sometimes) jeans, and whatever top i feel is appropriate for the Big Aesthetic today

Describe your aesthetic

yes

ive tried going more punk but its just kinda , not worked

my physical aesthetic is very adultolescent. i got chub and look like a freshman but ive been told i pass as a college senior so like

my Big Mood aesthetic is yes

Favorite article of clothing?

either my converse or my “”combat boots”” (theyre not and it makes me sound like an edgelord just saying that) (can you tell im gay)

OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY JEAN JACKET its like baggy and light and ive started sewing patches from my favorite bands on it (super punk right)

Favorite pair of shoes?

^^^

oh my black strappy heels, theyre surprisingly comfortable

Current haircut?

ive got a bleached bob rn

Any haircut goals for the future?

i kinda want a pixie cut bc i cant handle long hair however long hair is so PRETTY and wow

Describe the best date you’ve been on

iiiiiiiiii dont really know. ive been on very few. i have a Perfect Date in mind, and i guess my favorite was my first date with my ex. we had gotten back from a successful science competition (HAVE I MADE IT OBVIOUS IM A NERD YET IM A BIG OL NERD) and it was like midnight by the time we got back and we were both starving so we went to taco bell and just sat there talking and laughing and i know we were pissing off the staff, but we stayed til like two in the morning and we went home and honestly we both considered it a date but we didnt like… tell each other it was a date? if that makes sense? idk honestly im triggered

Describe the worst date you’ve been on

ugh oh god i went on a tinder date and this girl like in the DMs was like ‘hey do u smoke weed’ and im like ‘lol no’ and then like we made plans to meet up at a coffee shop and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed and im like……………. no and shes like ‘oh right lol’ well THIS BITCH sleeps through the time we were supposed to meet, completely stands me up, and then texts me back like an hour later and was like ‘omg im sorry i overslept!!!’ and it was like….. noon but ok so we meet up after my class and we just sit there really awkwardly trying to make conversation and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed im like ‘honey no i dont’ and we just talked about drugs for a while and when i left because i had to gtfo she like gave me an awkward hug and like i sent a text later that night bc im courteous and im like ‘hey i had a great time today’ (i didnt) ‘lmk if you ever want to meet up again!!’ and she just. ignored me lol.

Single? Taken?

im currently in a polyamorous relationship with myself and my anxiety

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

:)

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

someone who’s able to make me laugh and deal with my bad ideas and will let me cook for her and wants to travel the world with me

Describe your dream wedding

its small. outside. maybe in a field or in front of a lake. i dont personally want a big ballgown, just a short white dress will do. lavenders everywhere. R A I N B O W  C A K E. reception where we slow dance to all the sappy romance songs. its great.

Do you want kids?

not really, but ive considered being a foster parent. i feel like im here to do good; i don’t want to have my own biological children, and im not sure i want to have the permanent responsibility of adopting a kid, but i feel i could handle fostering once we’re financially stable and have the room to accept children into our home.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

spain, definitely. somewhere in the north. i want to have a small farm with goats and chickens and vegetables and i want to be away from this american mess.

Favorite lesbian movie?

well ysee…………. the only two explicitly lesbian movies ive seen have been ‘all about E’ and ‘blue is the warmest color’ and i didnt like either of the lmfaoooo i prefer watching lesbian television shows tbqh (or, most commonly, just rewriting all the female characters in my head to be sapphic sooooooo dont @ me)

Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i mean same as above, i dont read as much as i like to. however, i did read “georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit” and that was Really Good and i did read another that was slightly better, but i forget the name but it was about a pakistani (?) girl who was struggling to come out to her parents bc they were very traditionalist but she joins the theater and her like really elite school and the girl she had a crush on basically outs her and is a bitch about it and GOD i wish i could remember it because it was really good

Favorite lesbian song?

ummmmmmmmmmmm i just recently listened to ‘honey’ by kehlani and that was pretty good and pretty gay, but my personal favorite is ‘girls’ by beatrice eli bc holy shit what a Mood

Favorite lesbian musician?

i love mary lambert and beatrice eli.

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

ummmmm now that im thinking of them i cant think of any. i used to play softball and soccer? i love cats. i immediately start planning out the next five years of our lives together anytime im remotely interested in a girl?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i mean………………. no

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

well bake cookies w me and lets go for a walk & go out and watch the stars at night in the bed of a truck

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

I LOVE LOVING GIRLS!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!! GIRLS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

why not both

idk ive never had a cat but i know i lov them

Turn ons?

i.......... dont know

yes

im gay

Turn offs?

long nails youch theyre pretty to look at but i mean at what price

not having anything to talk about

putting yourself down like a lot (i went on a date w this one girl and that was all she did like the entire date like......... im sorry ? :(???)

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

if im being honest i would love for someone to ask me out but since that is Very Unlikely, i tend to be the one to message first and initiate dates and stuff

What is your dream career?

i want to be a psychological researcher in the field of social comparative psychology how sick is that!!!!! just play with dogs all day and record whether or not they boop their noses on a screen

also i wanna be a farmer and a bookstore owner but thats Farther down the line like , when im 50

Talk about your interests or hobbies!

im honestly such a psych nerd i love psychology what the fuck!! its so interesting like ppl are weird man idk brains are weird

im also having a really big green day phase like billie .. he so smol... and also anyone who wants to bash warning or the trilogy can fight me ok those are like My Favorite Albums

im going to a concert in february to see declan mckenna, a Giant Meme

im getting a tattoo w some lyrics of declan’s actually its gonna be sick

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

yes

idk for me its being able to have quick, witty, skillful jokes i just love listening to girls talk and tell stories and jokes like wow im gay

also long curly hair? thats always a Solid Look

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i mean. do we really wanna open this can of worms rn

too late, its open

i get those microcrushes where you like see a girl and youre like ‘WOW IM GAY DATE ME’ however once it comes to actually being in a relationship i throw my full weight behind it and worry that im being too suffocating or that im pushing my boundaries etc and ive been told that makes me come off really cold and uncaring so lol choose ur own adventure, you decide

Ever fallen for your best-friend?

unfortunately

Ever fallen for a straight girl?

can you even call yourself a lesbian if you havent

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

i havent seen it, im such a fake lesbian

Favorite comfort food?

mac n cheese

or pizza

or cheesy potatos

OR CHEESY TOAST

scientific conclusion: im a fatass

Coffee or tea?

coffer

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

im vegetarian!! have been on and off for like two years now

Do you have any pets?

i have one pup sittin right next to me and shes the prettiest girl in the world

Early-riser or night-owl?

yes

idk i get up at like 9 which is early for me but not as early as like. 5. so

more like night-owl. thanks teenage hormones!

What is your sign?

pisces

Can you drive?

yes

can i drive well?

no

but i do have a sense of direction so thats cool

Who was your first lesbian crush?

tbh.................... my best friend, but i didnt realize it was a crush at the time

the first Gay Crush i had that i knew was a crush was on my close friend at the time, now my ex girlfriend

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

uhhhhhhhhhh lesbian specifically, like 15-16. queer, i knew in like fall semester freshman year (so like 13??)

At what age did you come out (if you have)?

i mean, i come out to people all the time. first time i came out explicitly as a lesbian was when i was like 15 or 16 (actually i came out to a close straight friend and my ex and they both said ‘congrats’ like it was weird but very nice) and the first time i came out as queer/questioning was to my then-best friend at like 13 and i came out to my mom (involuntarily) at like 17? ish?

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

yes im crushing on every girl simultaneously at all times

just kidding

(not really)

i dont really have any explicit crushes that i can think of im just really gay

Talk about how your day went

it was fine. got free froyo so that was cool. found out i made an A on my bio practical, so that was cool too. however, i wore a crop top and it was like 55 degrees out and raining so i looked like a total Idiot but yk follow ur slutty gay dreams amiright ladies

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

most of mine are career-centric, but a few are personal.

i wanna go to costa rica in may, i wanna go to yale over the summer, i wanna go to NYC pride in june, i wanna go to spain after i graduate, i wanna go to grad school, i wanna be a psychological researcher, i wanna move to spain or england or hell even france, i wanna have my own farm with the woman i love, i wanna own an LGBT bookstore/library, i wanna just live a quiet life near the sea and not have to worry so much after a while.

Least favorite gay celebrity?

this is a weird one to end on, but iiiiiiim not sure i have one? i can tell you ellen page is probably my favorite, but i cant think of many i dislike so