#But sometimes he needs some advil at 2am or something and that's the only place that sells it at night

[kennys-parka-jacket]

Last post got me thinking. It's the most random thing to make headcanons on, but it got me thinking

[againjack]

Sunday I was feeling better. I did wait until after Hebrew class to make a decision. It wasn’t really Colby or what that decided me, it was my airbnb guests who were taking the BNB part way too seriously and driving me batty. I reached out and he told me when the games would begin. 

I made banana bread and my cheese stuffed figs wrapped in bacon to bring. The guests made a comment to someone in a phone conversation, “She loves to cook and the house smells great!” 

Colby is in a funk. All the busy and little and heavy stuff are getting to him. I’m not saying that as an excuse. I joked with him about how the figs and bread were apology offerings since I knew I was a bit emotional and dramatic lately. He didn’t even say thank you. 

Hanging with his friends was good. They were very happy to see me. We all had lots of good discussions. The gaming wasn’t one I enjoyed and after 4 rounds I bailed to sit and talk with someone else not gaming. The figs went quickly but the banana bread wasn’t touched, much to Colby’s delight. 

On the way back to his place he told me he had something we needed to talk about. He said it wasn’t bad.Then he went into a long diatribe about how he has been gathering data and trying to figure how to tell me this big deal thing. I told him to just say it after a few minutes of this and being tense. Turns out that the last few times I’ve slept over when I snuggle up to him after he snoozes the alarm puts him in a panic state. His mostly asleep brain doesn’t realize it is me and thinks it is a threat, which he then freezes and panics waiting for the alarm to go off again for an excuse to get up. He said it isn’t me, it is just that his brain isn’t awake enough to recognize that this presence isn’t going to hurt him. He said he knows that touch is an important thing for me, said that cuddling to fall asleep is ok, but first thing in the morning has to stop.

Being both a bio major and having more than my fair share of psychology basics I understand the lizard brain and especially its connection to the sleeping brain. Logically I get it. But it still hurt. When he asked if he shared it in a way that wasn’t hurtful I told him, “Yes but no.” Because while I logically get it, it really was a HUGE blow to me emotionally. 

Back at his place he did a bunch of stuff, we took care of the dog. Once the main things were done I took the dog upstairs with me while Colby was finishing up something. He went to putz on the computer doing HOA emails. I was super tired so I putzed on my phone in bed. I needed the separation rather than being in the same room with him. I needed to process the hurt. 

Once I finished things I did go into the office and watched tv while he finished up. The dog followed me in and I cuddled with the dog. Colby said he was done and walked out, just leaving me and the dog there. I get he was tired but it came across as rude. 

We crawled into bed together but he didn’t offer his arm to have me cuddle up to him, instead he went straight to being on his side. It was like he was trying to avoid cuddling at night too. So I didn’t bother. I just stayed on my side of the bed. 

I slept like crap, and was hesitant to take a second advil pm, even though it was 2am when I woke back up. When his alarm went off I just stayed there. I did say his name a few times because he wasn’t being woken by his alarms and it is annoying for an alarm to just keep going off continuously for several minutes. It took  him over an hour to get out of bed. Not once did I try to cuddle up. 

While showering I began an on again, off again internal conversation about is this better than being single? Weighing the pros and cons, thinking about various little things and feels. 

While making his morning coffee he told me that he wouldn’t be joining me for the festival this weekend. He just had “too much going on.” He said he would come up my way to use a restaurant coupon deal thingie sometime this week. I asked him if it would be another “wham, bam, thank you ma’am.” He had no idea what I meant then got angry because he can’t leave the dog for that long. I said I got that, I wasn’t asking him to stay the night but for some quality time or to at least pick me up like a proper date. He then deflected that he knew I had some tasks for him to do around the house. I... really? He thinks I just want him to come to my house for chores? How... how could he? 

After walking his dog together I bailed. Normally if we do that together I’ll come inside with him and leave when he does. I just couldn’t. 

Driving home I was on the verge of tears several times. All I could think was this was one step too far. It felt like this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I used to say that if I had enough cuddles I could put up with not having sex. I’m past being angry. I’m sorta even past being saddened. I’m more apathetic and closer to accepting that things are done. Yeah, it is only a hair better to be with him than single, but that hair is only enough to stick around. Not that I expect anything to change or anything I say or do to change things.

I woke with a nasty headache. Over the day it just kept getting worse and I was getting nauseated. I reached out via gchat. We talked a bit, but he mentioned how he couldn’t wake up (he slept like a log, not even rolling over). Not a “I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well” or any sympathy. So I didn’t give him any back. We did chat off and on about nothing important. 

At one point he sent me a link asking if I liked a dining chair. He has been wanting/needing to replace his for reasons. I was sorta chuffed that he wanted my opinion almost as if he wanted my buy in because we might share a place in the future. Except, I think that was all on me. He just wanted to bounce the idea off of me, not really caring what I thought. I bit back a response that if we move in together we’ll have plenty of tables and chairs and that his set is the most likely one to go (to storage, consignment, good will.) I told him to hold off that I can keep an eye in my consignment shopping for things for him. 

I’ve kinda developed some rules over time. Unless things are just unbearable you can’t break up with someone the month of your birthday, their birthday, or from November 1 to March 1. This is his birthday month. So I just have to go with it for a few more months. Bonus it allows me time to build distance and to not have lingering plans or gifts afterwards. 

He isn’t ready for a relationship. He can’t take ownership, instead putting it off on all these other things happening as excuses. He isn’t empathetic or sympathetic. He doesn’t care about my needs or wants. So what is the point?