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fuckyeah-jessicabiel · 1 year

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Deep Dive: The whole story about Jessica Biel’s infamous March 2000′s Gear Magazine cover, 7th heaven and it consequences

If you are old enough to be around the time 7th Heaven aired on TV, you must have heard about Jessica Biel’s scandalous photoshoot by Frank W. Ockenfels for Gear Magazine released right after her 18th birthday.

What you have heard or remember: Jessica was unhappy with her role in 7th Heaven and wanted to be fired so she posed naked for Gear Magazine. And it got her fired from the show. What actually happened: Not exactly what you think. She regretted doing that photoshoot pretty soon, felt like she was taken advantage by the industry, took a break and went to College on the East Coast. Let’s dive in the past for more accurate informations.

May 1999: During Season 3, 17 year old Jessica was pretty open how unhappy she was with the role of Mary Camden. Back then TV actors had to sign a 6 year contract, they can’t leave or renenogiate their salary until thoses 6 years were over. Jessica signed that contract when she was 14. It was her first role.

“Mary’s totally cool and all, but dude, don’t just turn yourself in. She has this conscience thing. She’ll do something and feel so guilty. It works for the show because it teaches lessons like ‘Don’t lie,’ but sometimes it’s not real. I don’t think I’d be confessing. I’d be like, I’m not saying a thing.” - Young & Mondern, May 1999

Jessica already got in trouble for cuting her hair in 1998 during season 3. It was forbidden in her contract. But the Gear photoshoot was another level.

“I cut my hair the day before the season started. I was sick of it. I’d had long hair forever. I’d told everybody I wanted to cut it, but they said they were happy with it and it looked good. It was in my contract, but I just took it into my own hands. The producers were pissed. I told them, ‘Hey, it grows back.’ But they didn’t see it that way.”- Young & Mondern, May 1999

March 2000: Jessica wanted to break her “good girl” image from 7th Heaven and posed naked for adult magazine Gear. It was kind of rite of passage for 90s actresses at the time (Before her, Melissa Joan Hart for Maxim in 1999). The show producers were not happy, it didn’t fit the religious family show image. 7th Heaven was the most watched TV series ever on the WB (above Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson’s Creek, Charmed, Felicity,,...). It holds the record for the WB’s most watched hour at 12.5 million viewers; 19 of the WB’s 20 most watched hours were from 7th Heaven.

She also talks about how out of touch 7th writers were with teens stories. Aaron Spelling, the most powerful TV producer at the time (Dynasty, Charlie's Angels, Beverley Hills, Merlose Place, Charmed,..) told her he “owns her” when the producers didn’t want to accommodate her schedule to film a movie.

She characterizes the show's writers as being hopelessly out of touch with a teen’s reality. She cites an episode where her sister complains about Mary sticking her feet out of the car window. Her retort: “Hey, I've got to air out my dogs.” Or another show where her 21-year-old brother’ girlfriend says she feels uncomfortable doing laundry together because they handle each other's underwear. “Come on, Jesse says, rolling her eyes. - Gear, 2000

“I own you” - Aaron Spelling to Jessica Biel

During season 4 (1999/2000), since Jessica was openly critizing the writers, you can see the change with her character. Mary went from the smart athletic sister receiving awards for sports and education in episode 5 to the rebellious daughter with bad grades who trash the gym in episode 8 (!) .

Jessica was vocal about the importance of education and the wish to go to college in the East Coast during that time.

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She did the photoshoot to be fired?...Maybe. Was she fired?...No.

Even though the Gear interview hightligh her wanting to leave the show thanks to the photoshoot, she also say if she really wanted to leave she would just shave her head and dye it in blue.

Could these photos get her fired? “I hope so,” she says lightly. “Actually, if I really wanted to get fired, I'd just shave my head. I'd probably be fired on the spot. Then I'd dye what was left blue” - Gear, 2000

After the photoshoot, Aaron Speliing made it clear she still has two year left in her contract and he still wants her in the show.

“I like Jessica Biel, I’m not against Jessica. I’m not suing Jessica. She’s a very good actress. I love to work with her. I’d love for her to stay. She’s got two years left on her contract. -Aaron Spelling, USA Today 2000

Aaron Spelling didn’t sue Jessica but did sue Gear magazine for $100m for using his name on it. The magazine shut down in 2003.

TV producer Aaron Spelling has sued Gear magazine for its red-hot feature on “7th Heaven” star Jessica Biel. The suit — filed Tuesday in Los Angeles country Superior Court — seeks $100 million in damages for defamation from the magazine and its owner, Bob Guccione Jr. - NYpost, 2000

In a letter, Spelling's lawyer, Bertram Fields, sent to Gear, he calls the magazine "sleazy" and denies the "false assertion" that Spelling told Biel he owned her. It also said that the appearance of Spelling's name on the masthead insinuates that he "approved and arranged for this reprehensible article featuring 11 nude and highly salacious photos of a minor child... an article that, in light of Ms. Biel's youth, appears to violate various criminal acts." TV Guide, 2000

The reason her screen time was reduced during season 5 (2000/2001) is because she attented Tufts University in Massachusetts. The producers finally accepted to accommondate her schedule. She was only filming 7th Heaven during her school break. That’s why Mary was sent to Buffalo by her parents. Jessica took a break from Tufts University after two semesters and was back full time for season 6 (2001/2002) and filmed the movie The Rules of Attraction during summer 2001. Her 6 years contract was finally over, she choose to leave the show and only appear in couples of episodes in the next seasons.

Now, as she is focused, laser-like, on getting us through the storm, she seems thoughtful about the whole episode. “I really wanted to go to college, and it all kind of happened at the same time. I did this photo shoot; the photo shoot came out; it was terribly embarrassing. I had to apologize to everybody, including my parents. It was a big learning experience: learning how to have boundaries and how to say no.”

Not surprisingly, Biel has a lot of empathy for young girls dealing with adolescence in front of an audience. “I have this overwhelming motherly feeling toward them. Just do what you gotta do, girls! Hold it together! I wish everyone would just leave them alone.” Vogue, 2010

After the photoshoot, 7th heaven writers took it another level , they made Mary a selfish sister who cared about no one and anything in season 5 (2000/2001). They paired her with a guy 3 times her age at the begining of season 7 (2002). During season 9 (2004/2005), Mary abandonned her husband and baby even thought Jessica was not appearing in the show anymore. The writers know what they were doing since viewers often link characters to the actors.

Jessica appeared in 0 episodes of season 9, you can see how mad the writers were, dragging a character that was not even on screen for a whole year. Season 9, Episode 21:

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From 2001 to 2010: She did multiple interviews talking about how she regretted doing that photoshoot, it was not what was planned she got encouraged to take her clothes off when it was supposed to be just a sexy photoshoot. She couldn’t stop the pictures to be published because she had no contract.

She was most forthcoming and, regarding her experience with a failed Gear magazine photo shoot early in her career, genuine in her explanation of what it takes rebound from a mistake and put her career on track. It was unexpectedly moving to hear her talk about the event because her voice cracked a couple times. Who couldn't feel for her? A kid who tried to do something fun and it backfired.

“I want to say that… because…. I was seventeen years old. It was my first kind of adult photo-shoot where it was supposed to be… it was supposed to be sexy and fun… it wasn’t supposed to be naked, it wasn’t supposed to be, you know, underwear. I got in a situation where I was encouraged. And I was not looked after by the people that I was working with. And it really got blown out of this planet. I’m not apologizing for it.I mean, I think that was going to happen naturally. As, you know, you get older and you look different and you act and your ideas are different. You change like every year, so much. I mean, when that photo-shoot came out it was really horrible for me. I don’t regret it because I’ve learned and this is going to sound so cliché I cannot even tell you how much I’ve learned about being able to stand up for myself and being able to say, “You know what? No, I’m not going to wear that.” And knowing the people to put around me to keep me on the right path. You know what got it started? I had a lot of men around me at the time. I was working with a lot of men, because of my managers. And, you know, it just wasn’t a good thing for me. I really needed to be surrounded by a woman. Women who would say, “You know what? That’s really not such a smartest idea.” And also, I was seventeen.I think this happens to so many girls. And this is not some sob story. I’m not looking for people to go, “Oh!”. I mean, this was one of the hardest times I went through in my whole entire life. I really embarrassed my family. I embarrassed myself. And thank God for 7th Heaven and for the fans and for Aaron Spelling, who was so forgiving. He was like, “Look, you made a mistake. It’s OK.” I had to go through all this stuff in front of everybody, in front of the whole world. And I never really said anything. My mom was like, “Let’s make a statement. Let’s say something and say that this is not what it was supposed to be. This was not some, like, let’s get off the show. That was not what it was about.” And, you know, when you’re seventeen years old… you think you know everything. You want to be twenty-five. You want to wear the sexy clothes. And when someone says, “Yeah, that looks great! Why don’t you just slip that off?” You’re like, “OK, yeah.” And then it just escalates. And at the end of that shoot I was just bawling to my dad. I said, “Dad, you need to get rid of this. This just didn’t go the way I wanted it to go. And then, you know, we didn’t have things signed, and whatever." I mean, I’m not going to say that I’m completely free of guilt. I went along with it. But… you know, it was a very nerve-wracking photo-shoot. And at the end of the day I went home to my father and I said, "Dad, I don’t want to tell because I’m very embarrassed, but I just need you to help me and we need to just forget this whole thing.” - IGN.com, 2003

Speaking of parents, yours must have been pretty freaked about your pictures in Gear. First of all, I wasn’t happy with those pictures either. I saw pictures that were different from the ones that ran in the magazine. We thought the layout was going to be much more subdued. I’m talking about how much was shown of my chest area. So I was shocked and my family was heartbroken about the pictures that ran. It was really difficult, but you know, it’s over now and I’m OK with it and my family knows that that’s never ever going to happen again. Have you mended fences with everyone at the WB and the series itself? Yes, but it really was difficult for a while. That photo shoot was just a really bad decision on my part and I got myself involved with people who weren’t thinking about me and were instead thinking about what kind of a story they could get out of it. I learned a whole lot from the experience, so it was definitely a blessing in disguise. I don’t look back on it negatively like I used to. There was speculation that you were trying to get fired by appearing too sexy to play Mary. I think it boils down to the stupidest thing ever. I just wanted to cut my hair and dye it a different color, but they wouldn’t allow it because we were in the middle of episodes. I was 17 years old and totally rebellious, so I was just like, “What do you mean I can’t dye my hair? You can’t tell me what to do!” I look back now and I’m like, “God, I was a nutball!” And I’ve really changed from that. I had to learn in front of the entire country, but I guess that’s a really poignant lesson. As far as changing my image, I do want to do different movies and play as many different characters as I can. I want people to see me as a really normal human being who screws up. Just like everybody else. EW, August 2001

Her boyfriend at that time, Adam LaVorgna (Robbie Palmer in 7th Heaven) was not happy about that photoshoot. There were some tensions between them while she was spending time with the interviewer.

During the time I spent with her, the Boyfriend (whom she asks not to name) is constant presence, though he’s more than 3,000 miles away in Boston. What he thinks and how he’ll react take up a large portion of Jesse’s thoughts. He’s nervous at her being perceived as sex idol, and having a writer from men’s magazine spend several days with her is not helping. Over the course of those days, the phone keeps ringing - the Boyfriend - and it’s stressing her. - Gear, 2000

It was reported that her dad and boyfriend were at the photoshoot. Even though Jessica denied it to protect her father from criticism, the boyfriend at the time, Adam LaVorgna, confirmed in a podcast in 2019, they were both there but were distracted by making them visit the building while they warn up her to take her clothes off. Adam was a guest on 7th Heaven during season 4 (1999/2000), Jessica got him the role of Mary’s boyfriend, Robbie Palmer, they have been dating since they filmed the movie ‘I’ll be home for Christmas” in Spring 1998. When it was time for Jessica to leave the show to attend college on the East Coast with Adam (Jessica at Tufts University and Adam at Boston College), 7th heaven writers called Adam to give him a regular role for season 5 (2000/2001). Adam accepted, dropped from college to be in L.A to film 7th Heaven but Jessica who needed a break still went to college in Massachusetts.

Initially, I just wanted to go to college. I hadn’t experienced traditional style high school. I wanted to be around kids my own age and to stop working full time. I was burned out.- LA Confidential, August 2006

Adam and Jessica broke up during summer 2001 and worked together full time in the show during season 6 (2001/2002) and the first episodes of season 7. The writers paired him with her sister, Lucy Camden, and then with another girl Mary was jealous of...

With hindsight, Adam regretted accepting the offer because now he feels like the producers asked him to comeback for season 5 to hit back at Jessica for leaving the show.

Like “Oh You wanna leave the show, We gonna take your boyfriend”. - Adam LaVorgna (2019 - worst ever podcast)

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2005: For years, Jessica had a no nudity clause in her contract. She was not confortable doing nudity anymore, she used a body double for the movie she did with her boyfriend at the time Chris Evans.

“I used a body double in this little indie, London, because they wanted a close-up of a breast and a bottom, and I didn’t feel comfortable. I thought, ‘That’s for my bedroom and my man, not for everyone else.’ I had to pick out the body double, and it was a really bizarre experience. I felt like a man,” I was just assessing their bodies. There are so many shapes of breasts. I never knew. You’re just used to what yours look like,” - Cosmopolitan, July 2005

A lot of people said to me, That was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen anybody do,” she says. “But I was miserable. It was horrible. I was humiliated. I just wanted my family to forgive me….I was taken advantage of in many different ways. Now I can look at the pictures and not be disgusted, and I don’t have to cry about it. I look at it as a learning experience.” - Esquire, November 2005

As a teenager, I wanted to make everyone happy, even if it meant doing something I didn’t believe in. Posing [nearly nude] for Gear magazine was a huge learning experience. There have been times since when studios have wanted me to do photos in men’s magazines. It’s hard to say no because I want to please the people who hire me. But I won't compromise my integrity for anyone. If I lose a job over that,fine. - Self Magazine, January 2005

Will she do it again? Nope!

Q: What do you do now to protect yourself? BIEL:Well, first of all, I’ll only do a photo-shoot for a magazine that I think is reputable, that’s not about just kind of exploiting women. Q: FHM or Maxim? BIEL: No. I don’t think that’s important and that’s not what I want to do. I mean, that happened. I’ve already done that and it did not… it wasn’t something that I want to do from the beginning and I don’t want to do it again. You know, I’m so much smarter! (she laughs) I wish I knew what I know now. IGN 2003

2007: She was finally ready to do nudity for the movie Powder Blue also starring Forest Whitaker, Eddie Redmayne and Patrick Swayze and this time lesson learned everything was written down on a contract! and if they wanted more it should be discussed before the filming.

Jessica has made an effort to distance herself from gratuitious photoshoots since an ill-advised topless spread aged 17, which she claimed her former managers pressed her into posing. But the actress has changed her mind for the film. However, the cautious actress is keen not to see her scantily-clad image exploited, and has signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see. The contract is said to ban shots of her breasts (nipples from the front and side) and her bottom (side view only) – in the Crash-like ensemble drama Powder Blue. A source told Us Weekly magazine that although the director will film scenes that are even more revealing, 'Jessica will decide if she wants to show anything additional'. - Dailymail, 2008

"I don't have to be fully naked for the movie. I haven't decided exactly about the nudity. It's a tough one. I'm considering it but it's a very scary thing to do."It definitely feels vulnerable to be naked in front of anybody, let alone a film crew. - US weekly, 2009

More interviews talking about how horrible she felt after the photoshoot was published:

That was such a big mistake. I made a horrible, horrible choice. Those were not the people to work with and not the right thing for myself. A hundred percent I want to be a part of the show. I give ‘7th Heaven’ — the writers and everybody — all the credit. They gave me the chance. They did everything, and I totally appreciate that. If I hadn’t been on '7th Heaven,’ I wouldn’t have been doing anything. I don’t know what would have happened. But it gave me the chance to do what I like to do. I definitely miss it. I definitely love coming back. It really depends on my college schedule. Pretty much all the time '7th Heaven’ is working, I’m in school. Except, of course, for my Christmas and spring breaks. So I’ll do an episode during my spring break. If I could do more episodes without missing any school this year, I would do whatever I can with that. I think our writer, (creator/executive producer) Brenda Hampton, is very perceptive with what’s going on in everyone’s life. I think Mary came to this point in her life when she didn’t know what to do. And then she had to rise up from that and find a balance. To get rid of all her debts and start going to class with her grandmother. And choosing a path in life. I’m pretty sure that’s where Mary is going, and that’s sort of where I was going in my life. I was just a crazy kid, and I didn’t know what I was doing, pretty much. For the last four years, I’ve definitely grown up with everyone having an eye on me — checking your moves out, checking what you’re doing. But I would never give it up. I would never go back on it. I know I’ve made some mistakes. I understand that. I’m OK with that. It’s made me who I am today. It’s made me a completely different person than I would be if I hadn’t gone through it all. I don’t regret it, and I would never go back. I don’t want that image. I don’t want to be some bad girl. Things got misconstrued, and I don’t know what happened. But I don’t want that. I just want to be me, and I don’t know what that is yet. - DesertNews, 2001

Confronting her naivety is something Jessica has certainly had to deal with in the past; a mistake that centres around a photoshoot she did for Gear magazine that saw her go topless for its cover, hand placed strategically over nipple in nothing but a pair of frilly beige knickers. She was 17 at the time. “I had been the pretty, good wholesome girl in 7th Heaven for almost three seasons and I’d had enough of being virginal,” she explains. “I was asked to do this shoot for the magazine and, because I was young, had some money, a little fame and because I thought I knew best, I decided to go ahead with it. I thought I could look after myself.“When we started the shoot I was like, ‘Wow, I’m older and sexier - I’m hot!’ And then as the day drew on and I started to take off more clothes, things started to get more uncomfortable. I just knew in my gut. I was thinking, ‘This is wrong - you are starting to do things you don’t want to.’ But I went along with things because I was arrogant and didn’t have anyone looking out for me. I went by myself, no real guardian apart from an old manager. My dad did show up at one point but I was like, ‘No,you stay over there. I’m doing this shoot. I’m cool.’”When the shoot wrapped, Jessica found a quiet corner and broke down. “I called him [her father] in tears. I’d made a huge mistake, I knew it. That little girl in me was freaking out. I spoke to my dad and was like, ‘Dad, you’ve got to help me. We have to get the photos. I can’t tell you what happened, but I have to stop the pictures getting out!’ He kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn’t face telling him. I was sobbing, ‘I can’t tell you, I can’t tell you…’”Despite every effort from her family, the pictures ran. Aaron Spelling, the series producer for 7th Heaven, described the images as “child pornography”. Understandably, Jessica was dreading going back on set. “Everyone was, like, ‘What the hell happened?’ My family went through the wringer. I was truly, deeply embarrassed and humiliated. And I had no one to blame but myself.” Her boyfriend, too, failed to see the sexy side. “He was humiliated, his family was humiliated and it was all horrible. It was certainly the low point of my young little life. And I spent a lot of time beating myself up about it, feeling like an idiot.”Although not a direct cause, the trauma of being exploited made Jessica take a second look at her ambitions and her career, and it wasn’t long after that she made the decision to leave the successful TV series. Although almost 18, she realised she needed to get out of Hollywood and do what most young women her age do - go to college, get her head in a book and shoot lime daiquiris by the jug-load with her peers. “Me and my parents managed to get me out of my contract and I went to college in Massachusetts. I went to Tufts on the North East coast. It’s a tiny, liberal arts school with good sports facilities. I needed a break; I’d been working in that adult environment since I was 14 and I wanted to cut my hair, get a tattoo… be a normal kid for a while.” - GQ UK, January 2009

I certainly had to apologize to Aaron Spelling. I think my entire crew and cast were, needless to say, shocked. The worst part was I had to go back to work. The thing comes out and literally I had to go back to work that next morning. Everybody was… they didn’t know if they should look me in the eye and I was just a mess. I didn't…you’re young. You don’t mean to hurt people. You don’t mean to do this. It definitely wasn’t a calculated move on my part. I was not that smart to be making these calculated moves. I think I was 17, I’m a woman now, I’m a grown up now. I’m sexy, ya know, this type of vibe and honestly, it just went a little awry. It definitely never was meant to be some shocking, exposing situation and whether it was my own sort of ya know ability to try to be my own person by myself, ya know, confident woman. I said yes to things that probably I should’ve said no to. It was just one of those things that got out of hand. - Awards chatter podcast, 2018 (x)

After Powder blue, she has done nudity only in tv shows she produces. She keeps using body double for some scenes though.

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Sorry for my english, it’s not my mother language and I am not very literary (I am more a math girl).

#jessica biel #adam lavorgna #7th heaven #mary camden #london (2005)#powder blue #the sinner #gear #gear photoshoot #gear magazine #2000 #frank w. ockenfels #sorry for my english #i should have asked chatgpt to write it #been on my draft for a very very long time #deep dive

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awesomehoggirl · 2 years

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igotta make some new ocs i love birdie and hazel but im not in my 2000s camden trashy era im in my americana era my girly folk or riot grrrl no in between era my 70s or 90s era youcant tell because it loops back around to like terrazzo and yellowy lights and faded out florals and dresses and grossness. youknow And I need some new lesbians to think about to accommodate this change within my brain

#GET ME OUT OF ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!IVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!! ITS SO COLD AND YUCKY ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

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sofiestic · 1 year

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The meanwhile started at Camden Town Station and ended at Liverpool Street. I remember getting the train to the Stratford Centre, one night at the end of May, and being mystified by how eastward we were heading. When we stumbled through the 9-to-5-workers and the pub goers out of Stratford Station, Annie and I looked at each other and came to the same realisation: “This London doesn’t belong”. It was probably the other way around, but to live there you must think of the city as your creation. This way, instead of being the smallest piece in a matryoshka world, the city expands as much or as far as you want it to. We had four northern stars: the BFI as the great divider of the Thames, the ponds at Hampstead Heath as the edges of summer, Brick Lane as our East End Camden and Bloomsbury as the little blue dot on the map, next to our accommodation.

The meanwhile was also a matter of time, the bit we held and the bit we saw in front of us. Metaphors of waiting rooms and manifestation practices were lost on us; we knew our moment was then, and the only thing we successfully manifested were black americanos and 10-pound lottery tickets to Hamilton. But we were keenly aware that what we did we did for narration, so that some version of us – a version that would’ve conquered the meanwhile and tamed it to the future – could give meaning to our reality. Just like geography, time was ours to morph. That is, ultimately, the meaning of the meanwhile: not a limbo, not a journey and not really an in-between. I was in London and my destination was New York, but my destination was London as well, another city that expanded further than Aldgate and further than the Tate. I despised thinking of Italy, of humid countryside and words that couldn’t express now, and I longed for warm hugs and community. I loved my friends deeply and at the same time couldn’t stand their deep knowledge of me, the fact that I wouldn’t be able to swipe my personality clean and start on a new slate. My magical thinking was only as powerful as my sense of novelty.

#london #meanwhile #literature #lit #20s #university

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ofhalleys · 1 year

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[cis female, she/her] Welcome to Aurora Bay, [HALLEY COOPER]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [KATHERINE MCNAMARA]. You must be the [TWENTY-SEVEN] year old [NURSE]. Word is you’re [EMPATHETIC] but can also be a bit [HOT-HEADED] and your favorite song is [BAD HABITS - ED SHEERAN] I also heard you’ll be staying in [OCEAN CREST APARTMENTS]. I’m sure you’ll love it!

tw drugs, tw panic attacks, tw anxiety

Halley was born to a mother that simply couldn't take care of her. With a mother addicted to drugs, life was difficult. After finding out she was pregnant, she went to rehab, got her act together, and had Halley happily in the rehab center, but the minute she got out, she went right back to her old ways. In fact, when she was born, her name wasn't even Halley. She couldn't tell you today what it was, and she didn't want to ever know. Before her first birthday, she was put into foster care, a life that no little baby should have to deal with. A young gay couple received their adoption papers signed and approved only a few weeks earlier when they got a call about Halley. At the time, the orphanage wasn't calling her by a name, she was just "Baby X". They hadn't felt the need to keep the mother's choice for the name, as she'd only decided on it after she'd gone back under the wagon.

The two men, Brian and Camden Cooper had been married for three years at this point, and dreamed of having a child of their own. They'd hoped for a kid with red or dark brown hair, to match either one of them. When they heard about Halley, they couldn't pass up the opportunity to meet her. Her bright red hair matched Camden's perfectly and she had Brian's eyes. It was a perfect match. They rushed to the orphanage to meet her and she instantly took to them, not wanting them to leave. After they did, she cried and cried, and cried. After what felt like months, Brian and Camden adopted Halley and brought her into their home. Both of them met and bonded over their mutual love of astronomy and the stars, so they couldn't help themselves and named her Halley, after Halley's comet. She was the absolute apple of their eye.

Halley grew up loving both her dads. She knew nothing else. Even when they told her about her past, she refused to listen. She had no desire to know. During school, she was an excellent student, always wanting to help everyone, feeling really protective almost instantly. But that was a problem in itself. Because of her protective nature, sometimes, her anger and sass would get the best of her. She was always the one to instigate a fight because someone said something rude to one of her friends, or even to a random stranger in the hallway. This very quickly became a problem, resulting in her dads having to come into school often to deal with her behavior. Halley never meant to hurt anyone, and never did. It was always her words that hurt others. She was just trying to take care of people close to her. School from then on became a struggle. She was given accommodations for classes, and tests, because she'd get incredibly frustrated easily, lashing out, at either the test, or herself, causing her to cry and have full blown panic attacks. Halley hated being limited in her abilities and being told she might be just a little bit different.

Despite the stress that school then began to cause her, Halley made it through with grades no one expected her to. She went to medical school, became a nurse, and never looked back. This way, she could help people and if any patients got out of line, she'd been given permission to be the one they send in to help. Halley adored it. Life was good.

Because of her fathers, she has a fondness for space too, and probably knows way too much of it.

Personality: Halley is a good friend, really. She's very kind and protective of you if she likes you. But she's got a bit of a temper, and is known to get very quickly frustrated if things bother her. Her fathers tease her about it and say that it's because of her fire red hair. She's trying to work on it, and constantly has fidget toys in her pockets, in her car, and all around her apartment in case she starts to feel anxious in any way. Because of things like this, she's very big into comfort, and loves any kind of physical touch that she can get. Hugs, hand holding, small little things, people playing with her hair. She can't get enough of it. Her apartment is full of fuzzy, soft things, and anything squishy. Even her bed is full of stuffed animals and squishmallows. Halley just needs comfort and soft kindness, or like her fathers again tease, she'll explode into a meteor.

Wanted Connections:

Ex: One that just couldn't tolerate her attitude

The One That Got Away: This is the ex that could actually keep her calm, and help her out when she was stressed, but for whatever reason, they broke up, and it hurts her, so much. She still probably has feelings for them.

Best Friends: Friends that despite her anger and anxiety, still love the hell out of her and would do anything for her.

Anything else!

#☆ﾟ*·ﾟ why couldn’t the star focus? she kept spacing out — about halley #aurorabay.intro

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ukstudyway · 5 days

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Private Flats in London Available for Short-Term Rent: A Convenient Solution for Travelers and Busin

London, a city that merges centuries of history with the modern hustle, is an irresistible destination for travelers and business professionals alike. For many, finding the right accommodation is key to a successful visit, whether for a weekend getaway or an extended business trip. In recent years, the rise of private flats available for short-term rent has become a popular choice, offering a flexible, comfortable, and often more affordable alternative to traditional hotels.

Why Choose a Private Flat?

Opting for a private flat over a hotel provides a range of benefits, especially for those looking to experience London like a local. Here are some reasons why short-term rentals have gained popularity:

Space and Comfort

Private flats generally offer more space than hotel rooms, often including living areas, kitchens, and multiple bedrooms. This is particularly appealing for families, small groups, or professionals who need a dedicated workspace.

Home-Like Amenities

One of the main draws of renting a flat is access to full home amenities. Most short-term flats come equipped with kitchens, allowing guests to cook meals, and laundry facilities, which is convenient for longer stays. These perks create a more home-like experience, providing greater comfort and independence.

Prime Locations

Private flats for rent in London can be found in virtually every part of the city, from the bustling heart of Westminster to the charming neighborhoods of Notting Hill and Camden. This variety allows visitors to choose accommodation that suits their specific needs, be it proximity to work, tourist attractions, or quieter residential areas.

Cost-Effective

Compared to hotels, especially in central London, short-term flats often come at a lower cost, particularly for longer stays. Additionally, the ability to cook at home or do laundry can help save on expenses during a stay.

Flexibility in Booking

Private flats offer flexible booking options, which is ideal for both spontaneous travelers and those needing a place for just a few days. Short-term leases can range from just a couple of days to a few months, accommodating a variety of travel plans.

Types of Private Flats Available

London’s short-term rental market caters to all tastes and budgets. Whether you’re looking for a luxurious penthouse overlooking the Thames or a cozy one-bedroom in a trendy neighborhood, there’s something for everyone. Here are some common types of flats available:

Luxury Apartments

For those seeking the ultimate comfort and style, high-end apartments located in areas like Kensington, Chelsea, or the City of London come with designer interiors, concierge services, and often, breathtaking views of the city skyline.

Family-Friendly Flats

For families or larger groups, spacious multi-bedroom apartments with kitchens and common areas are widely available. These flats are typically located in quieter neighborhoods, such as Hampstead or Richmond, offering peace and proximity to parks.

Cozy Studios

Solo travelers or couples may prefer a smaller, more intimate space, such as a studio flat. These are often found in trendy areas like Shoreditch or Soho, offering a perfect balance between style, affordability, and access to the city's vibrant nightlife and dining scene.

Top Areas to Stay in London

The location of your flat can greatly impact your London experience. Here are some of the top neighborhoods for short-term rental options:

Covent Garden: Known for its theaters, boutiques, and lively atmosphere, Covent Garden is perfect for those wanting to be close to the West End and many of London’s iconic landmarks.

Notting Hill: A beautiful, bohemian neighborhood famous for its colorful houses and the Portobello Road Market. It's a peaceful area with plenty of character, making it an ideal choice for those seeking a quieter yet charming stay.

Shoreditch: A trendy, artsy area known for its street art, unique cafes, and thriving nightlife. It's a great location for younger travelers or those who enjoy staying in the heart of London’s creative scene.

Southbank: For those who want to enjoy views of the Thames and be close to cultural landmarks like the Tate Modern and Shakespeare’s Globe, Southbank offers a variety of modern flats.

Canary Wharf: For business professionals, Canary Wharf is the financial hub of London, with sleek, contemporary flats just minutes from the offices and transport links.

How to Book a Private Flat

Booking a private flat in London is easy and can be done through numerous platforms, such as Airbnb, Booking.com, and VRBO. Additionally, there are specialized agencies that offer short-term rentals, often providing more personalized services such as airport transfers and local recommendations.

When booking, it’s essential to check reviews, the flexibility of check-in/check-out times, and any additional fees such as cleaning charges. Many flats also offer discounts for longer stays, so it’s worth inquiring about special deals.

Final Thoughts

For anyone visiting London, whether for leisure or business, renting a private flat for a short-term stay is a practical and enjoyable option. Offering more space, convenience, and flexibility than a hotel, these flats allow guests to truly immerse themselves in the London lifestyle, with all the comforts of home. So, the next time you plan a trip to the UK’s bustling capital, consider staying in one of London’s many private flats—you might never want to book a hotel again!

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Private flats in London available for shortterm rent

London private flats available for rent

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stephleb · 8 days

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Open Your Future: Camden County College CNA Program Now Enrolling

Title: Unlock Your Future: Camden County College CNA Program Now Enrolling

Meta Title:⁢ Join the Camden County College CNA‍ Program and Unlock Your Future Today

Meta Description: Enroll in Camden County College’s CNA program to kickstart your career in healthcare. Learn valuable skills, gain ⁤hands-on experience, and ‌prepare for a rewarding future in the healthcare industry.

Introduction: Are you looking to jumpstart your career in the healthcare industry? Do you have a passion for helping others and want to make‌ a difference in people’s lives? If ‌so, Camden County College’s Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) program could be the perfect opportunity for you. With⁤ the demand for⁤ healthcare professionals on the rise, now is‍ the time to take advantage of this exciting career path. In‌ this article, we ⁣will explore the benefits ‍of enrolling in Camden County College’s CNA program and how it can help unlock⁢ your future in the healthcare field.

Benefits of Camden County College’s CNA Program: 1. Hands-On Training: The CNA program at Camden County College provides hands-on training in essential nursing skills, such as taking vital signs, assisting ‌with activities of daily ⁢living, and providing emotional support to patients. This practical experience will prepare you for success in a clinical ⁣setting.

2. Industry-Recognized Certification: Upon successful completion of the program, you will be eligible to sit for the‌ state certification exam ⁢to become a licensed CNA. This certification is highly‍ respected in the healthcare industry and will open up a wide range‌ of job opportunities ⁣for you.

3. Job Placement Assistance: Camden County College⁤ offers job placement ⁤assistance to graduates of the⁣ CNA program. Whether you are looking to work in a hospital, nursing home,⁣ or home healthcare agency, their career services ⁣team will help you find the perfect job to kickstart your career.

4. Flexible Schedule Options: ⁣The CNA program at‍ Camden County College offers flexible schedule options to accommodate busy students. Whether you are currently ⁣working or have other obligations, you can find a class schedule that ⁢works for you.

5. Affordable Tuition:⁢ Camden County College is known for its affordable tuition‌ rates, making it accessible to students from all⁢ walks of life. Financial aid options are also available for ‌those who⁢ qualify, ensuring ‌that cost is not a barrier to pursuing ‌your dream career in healthcare.

Practical ‍Tips⁢ for Success in the CNA ⁣Program: 1. Stay organized and manage your time effectively to balance⁣ coursework and clinical rotations. 2. Take advantage of resources such as tutoring services‌ and study ⁢groups to excel in your classes. 3. Develop strong communication skills to effectively interact with patients, families, and healthcare team members. 4. Seek‌ out additional training opportunities and certifications to enhance your skills ⁤and advance your career.

Case Study: Samantha’s Success Story Samantha enrolled in Camden County College’s CNA program with ⁣a passion for helping others and a desire to make a positive impact ‌in the healthcare field.⁤ Through hands-on training, industry-recognized certification, and job placement assistance, she was ⁢able to secure a position at ⁤a local nursing home‌ upon graduation. Samantha’s dedication and hard work paid off, and she is ⁣now thriving in her career as a Certified Nursing Assistant.

Conclusion: Unlock your future in the⁣ healthcare industry by enrolling in Camden County College’s⁣ CNA program. Gain valuable skills, hands-on⁢ experience, and industry-recognized certification to kickstart your career as a healthcare ⁤professional. With job placement assistance, flexible schedule options, and affordable tuition rates, Camden⁣ County College offers everything you need to succeed in ⁢the competitive field of healthcare. Don’t wait any longer – seize this opportunity to make a‌ difference in ‌people’s lives and embark on a rewarding career ‍path as a Certified Nursing Assistant.

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https://cnatrainingcentral.com/open-your-future-camden-county-college-cna-program-now-enrolling/

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awsomebloggersblog · 15 days

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Job Opening For Registered Nurse Lead Role Residential Intuitive Health Services Job title: Registered Nurse Lead Role Residential Job description: Overview:Registered Nurse Lead RoleResidential Program located at 1000 Atlantic Avenue Camden (Virtua facility)Four days a week work 8.5 hours; one day a week is double shiftPopulation: AdolescentsCompetitive salaryFull benefits (equivalent to about $15k annually)Must have: A bachelor’s degree or BSN Current NJ RN license A valid driver’s license At least a year of experience with adolescents in behavioral and mental health in a lead role. Provides leadership and supervision to the Registered Nurses working in an Intense Residential Treatment program while providing direct care to the residents of the program. Responsibilities: Leads, schedules and provides clinical and administrative supervision to the RNs at the program. Schedules and facilitates mandatory RN staff meetings quarterly and as needed. Performs weekly chart audits. Provides trainings to all RNs who are new to the unit on the procedures of medication administration and documentation. Arranges and maintains a log of all residents’ appointments with physicians, dentists and other healthcare professionals. Creates and maintains medical records. Conducts and supervises resident admissions to ensure that the necessary documents have been completed. Ensures that all residents receive intake and follow-up medial, dental and eye care appointments. Updates each child‘s monthly medication sheet, recording and dating all changes. Participates in Treatment Team meetings to provide necessary support amongst a multidisciplinary team as schedule allows. Completes medication disposal logs twice per month and returns all unsuited medications to the Pharmacy. Coordinates and tracks all written prescriptions. All other duties as necessary. Qualifications: A current CPR/BLS card with demonstrated and cognitive skills is required. Graduate of an accredited school of nursing with current licensure as a Registered Nurse in the state of employment. Must conform to the security standards of the institution where employed. PHYSICAL DEMANDS:The physical demands described here are representative of those that must be met by an employee to successfully perform the essential functions of this job. Reasonable accommodations may be made to enable individuals with disabilities to perform the essential functions.While performing the duties of this job, the employee is regularly required to stand, walk, and talk or hear. The employee frequently is required to use hands to finger, handle, or feel objects, tools, or controls; reach with hands and arms; and climb or balance. The employee is occasionally required to sit and stoop, kneel, crouch, or crawl. The employee must frequently lift and/or move up to 50 pounds. Specific vision abilities required by this job include close vision, distance vision, color vision, peripheral vision, depth perception, and the ability to adjust focus.EOE M/V/F/D Company Profile: CFG is a comprehensive healthcare provider that is dedicated to improving quality of life for individuals and families by providing innovative medical and mental health services. Our Health Network includes Center for Family Guidance, CFG Health Systems and CFG Residentials. Job Category: Nurse Apply for the job Registered Nurse Lead Role Residential https://intuitivehealthservices.com/register

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cnacertificationprogram · 1 month

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Open Your Future: Camden County College CNA Program Offers the Key to Healthcare Success

**Meta Title: Unlock Your⁣ Future: Camden⁤ County College CNA Program Offers the Key to Healthcare Success**

**Meta Description: ⁣Interested in ‌pursuing a career ⁤in healthcare? Discover how Camden County ⁣College’s CNA program can unlock your future and lead⁢ you ‌to success⁢ in the field. Learn about the benefits, practical tips, and real-life experiences of students in the program.**

Are you passionate about ⁤helping others and interested in pursuing a career in healthcare? If so, Camden County⁢ College’s Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) program may be the perfect key to ⁣unlock your future. With a growing demand for healthcare professionals, becoming a CNA ⁤can open up a world ⁤of opportunities and set you⁣ on the path to ⁢a rewarding and fulfilling career in the medical field.

**What is a ‍CNA and Why Choose Camden County⁣ College’s Program?**

A Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) plays ‍a vital role in⁣ the healthcare industry by providing basic care to patients in various settings such as hospitals, nursing homes, and assisted ⁤living facilities. CNAs‍ assist patients with activities of daily living, monitor vital signs, and provide emotional support to those in ⁤need.

Camden County College’s CNA program stands out for ⁤its comprehensive curriculum, experienced instructors, and hands-on training opportunities. By enrolling in this program, you will gain the knowledge and skills needed to excel ⁢in the field of healthcare. The program covers essential topics such as infection control, patient safety, communication skills, and personal care assistance.

**Benefits of⁢ Camden County College’s CNA Program**

– Affordable tuition rates compared to other institutions – Small⁢ class sizes for personalized attention from‍ instructors – Job placement assistance upon program completion – Flexible scheduling options to ⁣accommodate busy lifestyles -⁢ High exam pass rates for the CNA ⁢certification exam – Opportunities for career advancement and further education in healthcare

**Practical Tips for Success in ‌the CNA⁤ Program**

-‌ Stay organized and manage your time effectively ⁣to balance coursework⁤ and practical training. – Actively participate in class discussions and clinical experiences to enhance your ⁢learning. – Seek ‌guidance and mentorship from ⁤experienced CNAs and healthcare professionals. – Practice self-care and maintain a healthy work-life balance to prevent burnout.

**Real-Life Experiences: Student Testimonials**

“I enrolled in Camden County College’s CNA program with the goal of starting a career in healthcare. The instructors were knowledgeable and supportive,‍ and the hands-on training prepared me for real-world situations.⁢ I am now working⁤ as a CNA in a local hospital and couldn’t be happier with my⁣ decision to pursue this path.” – Sarah M., CNA Program Graduate

**Conclusion: Unlock Your Future with Camden County College’s CNA Program**

If you are ready to take the first⁤ step towards a successful career in healthcare, Camden County College’s CNA program⁤ is the key to your future. With a focus on quality⁣ education, practical training, and job placement assistance, ⁤this program will equip‍ you with the necessary skills to thrive in the healthcare industry. Invest in yourself and unlock the ‍doors to endless opportunities with Camden County College’s CNA ⁤program.

Don’t wait any longer – start your journey to healthcare success today!

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https://cnacertificationprogram.net/open-your-future-camden-county-college-cna-program-offers-the-key-to-healthcare-success/

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freestonecresta · 2 months

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Freestone Cresta Bella in San Antonio, TX

We know that it isn’t easy to find the best luxurious apartment units these days. Fortunately, Freestone Cresta Bella exists for you. Aside from that, many reliable and posh three bedroom apartments in Heuermann Road location service providers are available now. Freestone Cresta Bella is an example. Interestingly, their community takes pride in its beautiful surrounding area, fostering a serene indoor and outdoor atmosphere. Within, carefully curated designer finishes enhance the inviting interiors, contributing to a sense of luxury and comfort. Aside from that, there is enough space that is meticulously utilized, ensuring versatility to accommodate various lifestyles seamlessly. Remarkable, isn’t it?

San Antonio, TX

Nowadays, we know that creating a travel itinerary is thrilling. If you’re looking for pre-scheduled activities in San Antonio, TX, it is vital to check out online posts. Here are examples from Eventbrite website. First, there will be BexarHaus Presents: VIVA Summer Nights ft. Rue-D this coming Saturday, July 20, 2024, at around 10:00 PM at 800LIVE Bar and Nightclub. In addition, the NB Ridaz ! San Antonio ! Big Gem! Lee valentine and more event is scheduled on Friday, August 16, 2024, at around 8:00 PM at San Antonio Shrine Auditorium. Lastly, you can also opt to attend the 15th Annual White Martini Party on Saturday, August 17, 2024, at around 8:00 PM at Henry B. Gonzalez Convention Center.

San Antonio Museum of Art

The San Antonio Museum of Art is a famous tourist attraction situated in San Antonio, TX. In addition, you can enjoy slackening there with your friends. Well, the San Antonio Museum of Art or SAMA is an art museum in Downtown San Antonio, Texas, USA. Then, the museum spans 5,000 years of global culture. Moreover, it is housed in the historic former Lone Star Brewery in 1886 on the Museum Reach of the San Antonio River Walk. Following a $7.2 million renovation, it opened to the public in March 1981. Lastly, the museum's collection of more than 30,000 objects representing 5,000 years of history and culture from every region of the world includes important works from Egyptian, Greek and Roman antiquities, Asian art, Latin American art, and Contemporary art.

Sky-high smuggling: Officials say Texas is seeing more migrants flown on small planes

We know that there are many interesting news reports in the San Antonio, TX. One of the stories has something to do with sky high smuggling. As reported, human smuggling is a huge enterprise for cartels and criminal organizations, and state leaders say they're seeing an old trend starting to pick up again. It’s mentioned in the news that many migrants are being smuggled in on small planes. Moreover, the Texas Department of Public Safety Officials highlighted the trend in a briefing with the Public Safety Commission in June. Stacy Holland, Chief of Aircraft Operations at Texas DPS shared, "This is resurging."

Link to maps

San Antonio Museum of Art 200 W Jones Ave, San Antonio, TX 78215, United States Get on I-35 S from W Jones Ave and Camden St 4 min (0.8 mi) Follow I-10 W/US-87 N to Frontage Rd. Take exit 552 from I-10 W/US-87 N 16 min (16.9 mi) Continue on Frontage Rd to your destination 6 min (2.9 mi) Freestone Cresta Bella 7410 Heuermann Rd, San Antonio, TX 78256, United States

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shared-accommodation-in-london · 3 months

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London Living: Finding Your Perfect, Affordable Abode

London, a dazzling metropolis pulsating with history, culture, and infectious energy, entices those seeking an extraordinary adventure. But for newcomers, the initial hurdle can often be securing a place to live without breaking the bank. Fear not, budget-savvy explorers! London offers a delightful selection of shared flats that are both kind to your wallet and surprisingly enchanting.

The Enchantment of Shared Living

Shared accommodation transcends merely splitting the rent. It's a gateway to a pre-built social circle. Imagine evenings filled with swapping travel tales with housemates from around the world, or cozy nights in enjoying a home-cooked meal together. Many shared flats boast communal living areas, fostering a sense of camaraderie and the chance to forge lasting friendships.

Unearthing Your Ideal Locale

London boasts a diverse tapestry of neighborhoods, each exuding its own charm. History buffs, set your sights on a flat near the vibrant East End, with its labyrinthine cobbled streets and close proximity to iconic landmarks like the Tower Bridge. Craving artistic energy? Immerse yourself in the creative spirit of Camden Town, where vintage shops and eccentric cafes abound. Those seeking a more tranquil escape can explore verdant suburbs like Hampstead or Richmond, offering a delightful balance between city life and leafy havens.

Websites to the Rescue

Several websites specialize in connecting potential flatmates with shared accommodation options. SpareRoom and EasyRoommate are popular choices, allowing you to filter listings based on your budget, preferred location, and even the personalities of your future housemates (yes, some listings even describe the flat's current residents!). Facebook groups dedicated to London flat-sharing are another goldmine, offering a more personal touch and the chance to connect directly with potential housemates.

Affordability with a Dash of Panache

Who says budget-friendly has to be boring? Many shared flats in London boast a surprising level of character. Period features like exposed brickwork or Victorian fireplaces can add a touch of grandeur. Some even reside in charming converted buildings, steeped in history and offering a unique living experience.

Tips for a Seamless Transition

Before diving in, it's wise to communicate openly with potential housemates about expectations and living habits. Discuss chores, guest policies, and noise levels to ensure a harmonious co-existence. Embrace the local flavor by exploring your neighborhood's hidden gems - independent cafes, quirky bookstores, or lively local markets. Remember, shared accommodation is a journey, and with a little effort, you can transform your flat into a warm and welcoming London home.

So, cast aside anxieties about exorbitant rents! With a little research and an open mind, you can unearth your perfect, affordable, and undeniably enchanting shared flat, ready to become the launchpad for your unforgettable London adventure. You may also contact us at themorninghours: 43 Rainsbrough close, London, United Kingdom, NW10 0TR. [email protected]. 020 8090 2752

#sharedaccommodation #accommodationinlondon #perfectroominlondon

#shared house #cheap rent a room in London

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renueaa · 3 months

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destruction, lost, alone, whatever u call it

Her vision is smeared with blood red lights and red eyeshadow. Arms flailing in the air, her back smacking harshly against another drunken body. The ringing of her ears are louder than the bass, drums, screams and smoke. She inhales the vapour of vodka, coke and anger; exhaling the sour onion nicotine crisp residue in her mouth. Even in the midst of new friends, potential roommates, and good music in a bar (for once), the red shifts to the colours of her high school classroom, her childhood church. She screams the vision away at the top of her lungs, and doing so in a club barely satisfies her boiling regret, her boiling jealousy. Afraid of losing her stolen father’s tie, she tightens the already tight knot on her neck, thinking of ending it all on the floor of a packed bar; at least the requiem of her life would be snazzy, jazzy, wazzy tunes, rather than the loud silence of construction outside her accommodation, but now she’s starting to think that she barely deserves even that. The sour G and T of another man's drink (courtesy of her friend’s sacrifice of a shitty kiss) wakes her up to the dizzy mean reality that is a blues bar in Camden.

Two hours later and she’s walking home with a girl which means small talk and small talk sucks. She fucking sucks at small talk; any talk really now. Irony whispers in her ear as the most social year of her life only translates itself in introvertedness and a label she plasters on her own forehead which writes, ‘I am socially inept as fuck.’ As much as every conversation about uni and social life ends with, ‘Conversation and getting to know someone in the club is shit because its so fucking loud,’ she’d rather not have that conversation, and get to know everyone, and anyone through flashing spotlights, vodka and blaring music. At least all she has to do is dance and avoid eye contact.

Fine, Good and It’s Alright have racked up incredulous numbers in her vocabulary, dumbing her down to ingenuine happiness when asked about how university is. A feigned smile hides the many days of which she spends in her creaking spring mattress bed, rotting, withering and dying in god knows what emotions. Her bed reeks of her decaying self, having notes of day old underwear, sweat, coconut detergent and morning breath. The paranoia in her room was forced away with her numerous days of bed-ridden illness which is more mental than physical.

Although living the dream many people yearn for in a top uni, at the heart of opportunity - London - she somehow wishes she was still on the floor of her bottom floor of D-block in her high-school, deep throating her own fingers in a wet, slimy, retching mess of insecurity and guilt; even that seemed more desirable than her current life. Though, she is still a wet, slimy mess - minus the retching as she had developed a severe case of nosophobia, constantly accompanied by medicinal alcohol, anxiety and cotton pads - lying on her stupid spring mattress littered with the wilted crumbs of her isolation.

There is no solace in sleep. Nor is there solace in anything that should be re-vitalising. Days and nights of burning her eyes and reflection into her own phone, or burning her face into the pillow at the very safe corner of her bed in a disturbed sleep. Sometimes she feels as if she’s schizophrenic, her own voice foreign and taunting, even if silent, taking on a subtitle-like form in her mind. Since she was a young teen and until now she prays and hopes to see a better, prettier, happier version of herself every time she looks at her reflection. She stands in front of the mirror for minutes, blinking over and over as if that quick shut-eye would transform her entire self, inside and out; but instead she feels as if she is regressing. Why is her hair dryer? Flatter? Frizzier? Why is her face progressively becoming more asymmetric? Her skin is too dark. Her lips are too small. Her neck is horrifying, the three lines looking as if she got choked. God, she is choking on her own fat that seems to double in size every blink. She turns away into her bed before she spirals into insanity for the fifth time today.

Her mind is never silent. Even I can hear it. There is the constant ringing in her ears caused by the damage of loud sounds, music and constant nagging or insults from herself. Her mind runs even on four hours of sleep in the past three days and it swiftly shifts into questions of why she can’t run a lap instead, which is the very the reason she’s so fucking fat. And that’s the reason why no one wants to talk to her.

She overworks herself mentally. And socially. Doing her very best to fill her social calendar with anything and everything; with people to convince herself that she is not socially inept nor socially isolated.

And for a while she is distracted by another pair of eyes, ears, a face and body that she doesn't have to brood over or criticise, because that would be rude and insensitive to point out their flaws. But when she hears about their potential love life, or their cheeky night out last week, or their approved application to being a model, she looks at herself through the image of herself in a mirror that has been permanently carved into her eyes and she realises why she isn’t anything of the ‘All of the Above’ for the MCQ, ‘Describe yourself in one word’. And the one word that is letter G changes to ‘Maybe You Should Kill Yourself,’ and this bounces on the tall walls of her head until she forces herself to sleep in ignorant bliss. Her dreams take her far away until she dreams of swallowing handfuls of dead flies and wasps, and everyone dying except her.

She sits in her boyfriend's bed naked and vulnerable. Kissing his forehead every five minutes with more love she has for herself, and more love than she has ever received. Her lips leave a gaping imprint of that, a reminder that she will always give more than she gets, but that is what she deserves. Her love for him leaves hot burns on her skin, itching and red but she refuses to run it under cold water. She lets the pain distract her and hold her so sweetly, even scratching it so it hurts more; if it means she can ignore her life. The colour of the devil spills across the portrait of a God, not hers, who has his hand spread out in front of him as if to say stop.

Stop what? Living? Breathing? Being with him? Seeing? Eating? Moving? Thinking? Breathing? Living?

Living, she thinks. She knows.

She’s living a half-dream. Stuck in the in-between, wishing and yearning for what could've been, what she missed by only a question she didn’t know to answer. Regret claws at her, the branches of her half-dream manifesting through tears and unfulfilled friendships that could’ve been, with the half-ass course that she barely entertains at the forefront of her anger. She can never be soothed, regardless of how much love, reassurance or distractions disguised as naps, dates and friends; she will always be reminded. Whether it be through her course friends, the cancelled classes due to the other prioritised classes’ stupid fucking field trip, her own accomodation room, or the building she refuses to steps foot in.

She's stuck with an ultimatum she can’t refuse or change - lose yourself or lose your mind. Both being synonyms but at least one sounds like the ‘better option’. She already lost God. She already lost her past. She lost the 8 year old girl that wanted her to become someone successful, someone happy. She’s about to lose herself to death. To a solution that will fix all her problems and more. Death! Oh so happy death. Clutching that crucifix won’t help. Sleeping in woeful ignorance won’t help. Praying won't help. Sex won't help. Loving won’t help. Eating won’t help. Spending money you don’t have won’t help. Even running away into the past can’t help.

I know it won’t.

Because in the past 5 years, this running away to solace and distractions has only pushed me further into my suffering. Though, she doesn’t feel any more pain. She doesn’t feel more depressed or sad. More numb.

She can’t feel her lips, head, legs, she doesn’t feel alive. Even her pounding heart can’t remind her. Her right arm is the only thing that hurts; a displacement. She reaches out her hand like Adam, but she knows damn well she isn’t reaching out to God. Or a dream.

She’s so fucking hopeless. You’re so fucking hopeless, she says. I really am hopeless.

#writing #creative writing #writers and poets

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