#DONT MIND ME IM JUST DELIBERATING I want him to be innocent I want things to be simple but I'm so worried of being hoodwinked--

[red-moon-at-night]

I find it so SO interesting that as soon as Kazui's breaking their marriage vows and revealing his true feelings (literally tearing apart the dove), the wife is already falling off the balcony

Her hair is fluttering in the wind. The apple fucking splatters on the ground this whole sequence is so visceral I'm spinning it around in my mind. Kazui views his truth telling as a violent act, the killing blow.

[minkymeatshop]

OMGG U HAVE THE MOST TASTE EVER YES,,, ok a few questions (feel free to answer all at once or seperate if thats easier!)

- do u have a favorite song significance? or like a top few if u can't choose?

- i would love to know more abt bella's playlist specifically :3c so vibe....

- more music in general but have u listened to Glass Animals? their music is weird in a good way if ur into that!

ththank u dizzy for Always always engaging with me ily 🙏🙏🙏

favorite song significance: This. is So Hard to choose and i dont want to put too many bc each really deserves its own post. but right now my favorite song is pretty little head by eliza rickman!! i loop it for 5 hours at a time!!! i have issues!! i think it might have been on night vale so you might have heard of it i just know it because im a Huge fan of dark cabaret & steampunk music

anyways that song really really reminds me of adelheidis singing about griffin especially the chorus ;

Where’s your mother?

kitty kay, griffin’s mom, is a huge driving force in the plot, as she’s the leader of the rabble mob and purposefully undermines the oppressive religion/government that the protags anya and celia are trying to escape

Fall down dead

griffin LITERALLY fell down dead. he fell out of a tree (while trying to save a cat) and hit his head and returned to life for Some Reason thirty minutes later. this is never explained in canon!!! me and my top researchers (clones of me in lab coats) are attempting to find the explanation as we speak so Please Hold but that. is a thing that happened. and “dying” was a huge turning point for griffin because prior to this he was using his real name but afterward he started to hide behind his stage persona of the plague doctor more often - a lot like his mother, who lost herself under her character of the phoenix she played.

Dirty mind, dirty mouth, pretty little head

griffin uses innuendo like…. a LOT. which is funny considering that i headcanon him as ace. but ive had adel call him a “dirty little thing” before Specifically Referencing This Song because i am diseased!!!! and anyways he does think that griffin is very pretty.

I wish you were here, I wish you’d make my bed

this line is definitely adelheidis struggling to find the energy to do everyday things—sometimes theyre just so overwhelmed emotionally and physically that they wish griffin could help them do everything

Dirty mind, dirty mouth, pretty little head

refrain but. underneath these words she says (pretty mind, pretty mouth, pretty li—) and i find it extremely representative of the way adel puts up an icy persona but underneath is melting

i have listened to glass animals! my favorite song of theirs is season 2, episode 3! i keep forgetting the numbers!

i’ll put bella’s playlist under the cut because this post is extremely long already and it contains some triggering content - cw for violence, self-hatred, and discussion of sexual predators

thank u SO SO MUCH for asking this!!! i had a huge blast writing all this!!!

overall, most of the songs have soft girlish vocal types contrasting with harsher sounds and screams, which was a deliberate choice because of how bella acts--they fake an innocent persona to hide their true intentions. the title is a reference to her defection from her country, and the description is a response to the line in victrix’s playlist. i picked the cover because of the motif of contrast, bella likes sweet and “pure” imagery while being a violent and unstable person.

bella’s a tanamare, a fantasy species i made up which has plant-themed powers. their country, ch’aka, is quite oppressive in nature, often employing propaganda to keep their citizens in line. bella was a prodigy with high-level abilities and joined the army early when she was about 13-14.

So everyone that I love is stuck Because this, that, the other, and the state fucked up We covered it in a class that I'm about to fail

Cigarette Ahega0 - Penelope Scott

I am perverted, sick and sadistic Covered in your blood It's ritualistic

Perverted - Elita

All these toys and girls and boys This fucking world makes so much noise Dont talk to me, I'm fucking sick Its life or death we have to pick Bitch, I was gonna die so young But Ill just pop my bubblegum

Hospital - Gurldoll

I'll get revenge Pour bleach on your head and now you're dead Disinfect, so hold your breath and say goodbye

Maggot - Slutever

after some Very Messed Up experiences that i won’t get into, bella defected and became a fugitive. she began attacking and often killing sexual predators, reasoning that she was the only one that understood it was necessary, and that since she was so desensitized to violence & adept with her powers, she had a duty to protect others like her.

I just wanna make the whole earth smile I just wanna make the world smile Do you think I'm bad Do you think I'm wrong Or I'm too slutty?

I Just Wanna Make The Whole Earth Smile - Girls Rituals

So don't you squirm, don't you fret I'm not gonna hurt you yet I just feel the need to be getting A little of you, a lot of blood-letting I know the sensation you're probably dreading But cutting you up will be so refreshing for me

The Dismemberment Song - Blue Kid

You’ve been staring at me for like, a fucking hour. Can I help you? Like, what’s your problem? If you get near me though, if you try to touch me, I swear to God, shitdick. I will take my Louboutins and castrate you.

Don’t Touch - Lil Mariko

All I wanna do is burn the world All I wanna do is burn Now scream my name Scream my name Scream my name Scream it

Fuck Me - Vernon Jane

things poke holes in her flawed reasoning ... her desensitization to violence becomes a source for self-hatred, as she ignores how people have been taking advantage of her for her entire life. she doesn’t know what to do, so she tears herself down. she adopts a carefree, misanthropic persona to distract from her real problems.

My bedroom smells like rotten food And I guess so do I

Angels of Porn - Nicole Dollenganger

There are flowers growing all around a massive animal inside of me And it’s so ugly, and I’m so broken And I’m so ugly, and it’s so broken

Angel Eyes & Basketball - Foot Ox

They say that it gets better, but I guess that was a lie I guess we all just fake it 'til we die Sympathy and love we can extend to someone else But it's harder when you have to love yourself

I Deserve to Bleed - Sushi Soucy

I can teach you how to be just like me, crying all night sleeping 'til three I can teach you how to be just like me, just listen carefully I can teach you how to be just like me, cute as Hello Kitty!

Hello Kitty - Jazmin Bean

ultimately there is something that makes her want to improve as a person. it’s her interpersonal relationships and her little burning flame of belief that things CAN be fixed. she didn’t know how to try before she met someone named kathy & her brother jonah (@llamas-and-leeks‘ ocs)  so bella actually did find a way to get better and confront her issues! good for her. also this gets compounded when she meets victrix, a human crime-fighter. her country, manava, is probably the best place around - while not perfect, manava has an actually good government, and because of their different circumstances, victrix and bella are at odds. victrix is pretty patriotic because her home country is a good place to be, while bella is disillusioned with the propaganda of their childhood. eventually the two learn to see each others’ sides, and they grow and change together :) btw bella is pansexual and victrix is a lesbian. and theyre gay. oh right this was meant to be a playlist explanation hold on-

Maybe you're made of rotting meat Maybe I'm just a machine

Watermelon - Queen Chimera

My sweetheart's piano is rat filled And mine is infested with bugs The music we make is unnatural But it sounds just like falling in love

Butch 4 Butch - Rio Romeo (YES I’M AWARE NEITHER ARE BUTCH.)

I hate you for the sacrifices you made for me I hate you for every time you ever bled for me I hate you for the way you smile when you look at me I hate you for never taking control of me

Blood - In This Moment

[henlex]

Disclaimer: I accidentally fell in love with gye so just bare with me🙏 I didnt plan for that

Another underrated pair for @bonknanab 💖💕💖💕💖

Gyechan

First thoughts holy shit all the earth. But gye cancer venus MY HEART this boy is so soft bye. A whole marshmallow. Also the amount of taurus too, this boy LOVES cuddling. But so does minchie cuz virgo AND leo = cuddles sooooo. Leo moon. Makes sense.

Suns

Gye: taurus. Earth, really steady and strong, very consistent/ dependable. They rely on their senses to experience the world. Like the care a lot about how things feel, taste, smell. Catch them wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket. They can be possessive, they love their things a lot and want to protect them. But this can carry over to people too, they like to possess their loved ones, like have ownership of them. It helps them feel secure. It's just so cute oml😭 tangent: this is why kangmin feels so comfy with the and he's his favorite. He's just a kid with a ton of emotions (scorp moon) and gye is just so stable and reliable, that "I've got you I'm not going anywhere" energy that kangmin needs. I'm a sap leave me alone.  But they hardly get jealous. Can be pretty stubborn and slow moving. They dont like change and dont like changing their mind. Slow to start, especially if they're comfy, they might just lay in bed all day😂

Min: Virgo. Hardworking, love being knowledgeable about things/ learning about them. Sensitive to their surroundings. Can be shy with new people but when comfortable theyll talk forever. They love to be appreciated and useful. Prone to worry, they tend to be pretty responsible.  They love to be doing something and can get restless when they arent. Can be perfectionists because they want to do things the best they can. They're very aware of their bodies. Very curious and love to explore, great observers. They can be pretty hard on themselves 😭 They can be very proud of the way they do things. Can be big sweethearts and are always ready to help.

Moon

Gye: Taurus: ay it's me🤝 So a lot of the same as the sun, but this is the core, his emotions. These people have a super calming aura, you just kind of feel wrapped in a blanket. They love consistency and home. They put down deep roots. Can be a bit oblivious and avoid messy/ chaotic displays. Can be conservative. Deep emotions, affection, sentimental. Romantic but do like taking risks with the first move. Really good instincts. Really good sense of smell?? They really stick with things, dont run when things get hard. Once they're in, they're in for the long haul. It takes a lot to actually bother them.

Min: Leo. This is why he likes being on stage even though virgos tend to be behind the scenes types. They really love entertaining those they're close too and are often a comedian. They kind of like to control their inner circle. Strong desire to create and entertain but can be a bit lazy, possibly bossy too. They need a lot of love and attention to function😭 They can be really dramatic if they get offended but they dont like public displays, they save that for home😂 Stubborn, needs time to adjust to changes. They strive for fairness and hate following orders.

Mercury

Gye: taurus. Istg what is this man

Say it with me kids stub👏born👏

Slow moving, think through decisions. They seem lazy because of just how long it takes them to decide something😂 Slow to start things... Sensual again. Slow communication, everything is deliberate. Very practical so people take them seriously. Can be pretty sarcastic and funny. Pleasant voices. Practical in learning too, they need to have real world examples or know how it affects them.

Min: virgo😂. Likes order/ control, gets uneasy when it's not. Detail oriented. LOVE when appreciate their intellect. Very good at taking care of the day to day. They can be impatient with others because they think they do things best. Helps others by taking care of the little things.

Venus

Gye: cancer. UWU. We've got a marshmallow guys.

Ok so Sensitive in love, they like commitment and dependability. Theyll give you security, comfort and care. They show their love by caring for you. They crave safety. They watch their loved ones emotions. This is a big 180 after all the Taurus. They can be moody to get attention oml. Either this is really toned down from the taurus moon or im blind. It's hard for them to forgive/ forget if you've hurt them (same with the taurus moon so☠) They can retreat/ hide to care for themselves. God this is like taurus but extra soft😭 Ok so strong attachment to family and home. Sentimental, love snuggling😭 They need to feel secure and have a strong fear of rejection/ abandonment.

Min: virgo. Good lord. Not flirty. Tries to win someone over with devotion and showing them a ton of attention. Cautious, slowly makes his way into their heart. Sensitive and insecure in love😭 They need to know feelings are mutual before they make a move..... Can childishly tease their crush💆🏼‍♀️ But they have good intentions. They arent attracted to show offs, they like understated, unnoticed people. These people love quietly helping and doing the little things. You'll win them over if you recognize their efforts, they just want to be appreciated.

Mars

Gye: libra. Out of left field fr. Oop indecisive yet again. He's so lucky theres not a ton of fire in this group or I swear people would kill him. I'm sure dongheon and hoyoung have gotten impatient before tho cuz damn. Anyway they really like to weigh all their options. Overwhelming desire for balance. They're generally optimistic, and can be defensive. Can play innocent. Passive aggressive 💆🏼‍♀️. Very good mediators.

Can be incredibly charming. The pickiest lovers and desire equality it every aspect.

Min: leo. A strong creative energy and the feeling their life has significant meaning and purpose. Very passionate. Driven and normally have a set path. They have an air of authority and power. Lol they demand loyalty and admiration in their relationships. Can get fired up when they feel wronged or defensive. But they're really kind and driven by the heart.

Eye.

*skip for s*x mentions* do like idek how to say this. But like they want to be seen as godlike, worshipped. But they also want to worship the other person. Likes an imbalance of power. Show off. Possessive + jealous but tries to hide it. But everything is laced with love and affection.

Notes:

Gye's steadiness could really help min to calm his worry.

it's great that it takes a lot to actually annoy him cuz...we all know minchie 💕

Omfg they're both kinda lazy😂 Lazy morning cuddles let's goooo.

Ok but gye could very much be oblivious to mins need for love/ compliments etc. Cue that clip gye had to compliment min and it was short but min was like that's all?? And the was like Oh! And just kept on going. So cute. Like he has to problem expressing his affection but min literally needs to physically say how much he needs😂😂

They both hate change and surprises so🤝

Ok but minchans venus is kind of perfect for gyes cuz he needs that stability. But gye would probably be thrown at first if minchan wasnt being obvious. Theyd be really cute together but the challenge would be getting together.

Honestly they seem super soft and comfy (probably mostly behind the camera rip) earth babies but also playful and precious. As the 2 earth signs in the group (and with a ron of earth placements too) they could really find solace in each other and I think that's so sweet💕

[angrylizardjacket]

and then there was light [3] {Roger Taylor}

Anon asked: Prompt: angst Roger and y/n because he’s jealous after a party

A/N: 5981 words!! What?! Like, it’s not explicit, but I might have given the reader a slight praise kink. Some sexual content. There is mentions of cheating, just to let you know if that makes you uncomfortable. There might be a problem with pacing but like... suspend your disbelief. Also.... you’ve got a big storm coming.

[part 1] [part 2]

Your grip is white-knuckled on the armrest as you felt the plane rumble beneath you; anxiety is clutching at your chest as the world falls away beneath the wings of the machine and you’re rising into the sky. Roger isn’t outright laughing from where he’s sitting next to you, but it looks like he wants to. Thankfully, for his sake, he contains himself, resting a hand on your thigh, rubbing it in a gentle, comforting rhythm.

“You’ll be fine, love, these things hardly ever crash, and if this one does, it’ll make the news, probably.” He shrugged, and you glared at him, trying to push down the anxiety curling in your stomach.

“You’re the single least reassuring person I’ve ever met.” You snapped, but he just grinned wider, his hand moving higher on your thigh, your legs part just a little, out of instinct, and you’re too anxious about the flight to even blush at it.

“I could distract you instead.” He offers, giving your thigh a gentle squeeze. Something eases in your chest and you relax your grip on the armrest to put your hand on his. “Love?” He asks, watching how you’re leaning your head back against the headrest, eyes closed, like you were trying to go to your happy place, wishing you weren’t trapped inside this plane. His hand twitches to move away when he doesn’t get a response, but then your own hand is guiding his a little further up, and you’re wearing a little, playful smile, though it’s strained. Roger has to bite back a laugh.

“Could you please wait until the seat belt sign is off?” John’s voice interrupts both of you, pressing his face into the space between your headrests where he’s sitting behind you, sounding characteristically exasperated.

“Or wait until we land, like any decent human being.” You can hear Brian’s sigh from where he’s sitting beside John, his words followed by a world-weary sigh.

“You were both cuter when you thought we didn’t know.” Freddie says, matter-of-factly, and Paul hums in agreement, the two of them sitting in the two seats in front of you.

“So were you.” Roger snaps back, leaning back into his chair, sullen at the sudden onslaught of bullying from his band-mates. “And get your bloody face away from mine.” He smacks John’s forehead with his free hand, which has the man retreating, but you’re silently thankful. Despite this, you’re also flushing with embarrassment, which is only quelled when Roger flips his hand over on your thigh to lace his fingers with yours, giving your hand a comforting squeeze.

It’s weird, to be in public, well, sort of public, and to be allowed to actually be with Roger. You’ve always been so hyper aware of his image, careful to keep your distance where prying eyes might be lurking, the last-performance kiss notwithstanding, but here, in the relative safety of first class - and god, that was a mind-boggling realisation - he’d wrapped his arm around you. Once the seat-belt sign has been turned off and the in-flight movie has started, he pulls you into his lap on the luxuriously spacious seat. Everyone on the flight has headphones to listen along to the movie, and the plane is almost silent as everyone looks to the overhead screens. It starts innocently enough, except sitting on Roger isn’t exactly comfortable; he’s got one hand resting on your thigh, innocent enough, and the other on the armrest, but you find yourself shifting every few minutes trying to get comfortable, but it isn’t really working.

“Are you right there?” Roger moves your headphones off of one of your ears, speaking low and quiet, only to you. When you look at him, he’s not even looking you in the eyes, he’s looking at your lips, and you feel your chest tighten, though in a very different way to the plane taking off earlier.

“What?” And you shift again, trying in vain to get more comfortable before you feel him hard and pressing against your ass through his pants, and it dawns on you. After a moment, you lock eyes with him, finally, and wiggle again, deliberate, suppressing a smile. He leans in to kiss you, rough, insistent, his hand on your thigh moving dangerously higher.

“Let’s not ruin everyone’s movie,” he breathes as he pulls back, his hand moving to give your ass a light tap, and you take the hint, taking off your headphones and making a beeline for the bathroom. You find yourself waiting for almost five minutes in the stall before there’s a knock at the door and Roger’s whispering your name. You haven’t even fully locked the door before he’s pulling off your shirt, murmuring about how you both had to be quiet, though he was grinning in that way that made you melt, and made you want to be anything but quiet.

When you head back to your seats none of the others comment on it, though they do seem pretty enraptured with the movie. Your anxiety at flying had dissolved; you’re feeling all warm and syrupy in the afterglow, and Roger clicks down the armrest that separates your two seats, and shifts so that you he can still wrap his arm around you, but you’re sitting next to him, your legs stretched out and arching over his. He puts his own headphones back on, smile supremely satisfied, and you give yourself a little, mental pat on the back, but don’t bother with your own headphones, resting your head on his shoulder and falling asleep, feeling secure and safe with his arm around you.

When you land, you find yourself whisked almost directly to the new tour bus, and you suddenly find yourself filled with a new uncertainty. The space, at least compared to what you were used to, was lavish, not a single road case in sight.

“You guys live like this?” You crowed, eyes wide as you raced through the spacious vehicle, plopping yourself down on the cushioned bench beneath the back window while the rest of the band, and the crew travelling in this bus started getting settled in.

“Well yeah, was the other bus really that different?” Roger asks, joining you, sprawling himself out across the seat. The sheer absurdity of his question takes a moment to sink in, but after that you’re laughing, loud and a little bit uncontrollable, mind alight with memories of hot, bump afternoons riding along at the back of the equipment bus, sat atop a road case, holding a light and gels and trying not to touch the drum kit where it was stacked up beside you.

“God, I would have killed for a cushion.” You breathe, wistful, relaxing further, if it were possible, into the seats. After a beat, you look around at where everyone’s gone quiet; Freddie and John were setting up a board game and Brian was lounging on one of the sofas running along the inside of the bus; you’re pretty sure Roger’s the only one who hears you anyways. “I much prefer it to flying though,” you admit, shifting until you can rest your head on Roger’s shoulder.

“Really?” He asked, voice quiet enough that only you could hear it. “I thought it was a pretty decent flight.” And he reaches up to pinch at your side playfully when the bus starts up. The two of you dissolve into play-fighting, which the others don’t pay much attention to, entertaining themselves as the trip to the first destination began.

“You’re- you- they call you Spotlight, don’t they?” The voice that greets you before for the first crew meeting is bright, eager, faintly accented, and when you turn, you see it belongs to a sweet looking boy with big, brown eyes, clutching at a clipboard. Laughing a little awkwardly, you nod, and his whole face brightens at the confirmation. “I’m Robbie; I’m stage managing, and they’ve got me operating the lights.” He sounds so damn excited, it’s a little endearing, and after a beat, he’s peppering you with questions about the American leg of the tour, which you answer with ease.

You’d been worried, not that you’d ever admit it, integrating into a whole new crew; the American tour was staffed with people you’d been working with for years, and here, everything and everyone was new to you. Seeing Robbie smile, so kind and welcoming, it felt like you could breathe.

“How the crew?” Roger asks, and he’s stuck with fond deja vu, sitting behind his drums, watching you cut a whole new set of gels. You’re humming something he can’t quite pick, but you seem happy enough.

“Yeah good,” you concede, only half paying attention as you work, “they’re nice, very welcoming.” You tell him, and he makes his way to you, sitting beside you on the drum risers, picking up some scraps of the gel. After a moment, your hands still, and you watch his, smiling with confusion, before looking at him. “What-” but he’s looking back at you, and he leans in to kiss you once you look up. Putting the gel and the scissors down, you take his face in his hands, giving him an endearing smile.

“I’m working.” You said softly, but he just grinned, leaning in to kiss you again. It’s fun and easy to be with Roger at times like this, times when neither of you had to worry about what other people thought, or who saw you together; you were happy and so was he, and that’s what mattered.

It gets a bit harder, you realise, when in Glasgow you’re leaving the hotel with the band and a few paparazzi come after you; at first they’re shouting at the band but then they spot you where you’re by Roger’s side, trying to keep your face hidden. You see your picture in some gossip rag the next day when Robbie gives it to you with a long suffering and apologetic look. 

“The boss wants you to be more careful about being seen.” He’s rolling his eyes at the boss’s words, however, when you ask him what he means, you learn that you’d been photographed with them in America, and people were starting to speculate that you might be part of the tour group. The Boss thinks it reflects poorly. The rest of the band is in the photo, but you’re the one being accused of being a world-travelling gold digger in the article.

When you tell Roger, or more specifically show him the article and make an offhand comment about not really being seen with the band in public anymore, he throws the magazine across the hotel room, scowling.

“They’re printing lies, Spotlight, what do you care?” He asks. You’re gentle when you step towards him, resting your hands on his shoulders.

“I care about my career and my reputation, Roger, you understand, right?” Voice soft, you don’t move until he looks at you, expression a little hurt. “I know I’m not a gold digger, but if I want to get anywhere in life, I need other people to believe that too.” You explained, and he didn’t exactly seem happy about it.

“You’re fantastic at your job, babe, isn’t that enough?” He asked, and you felt yourself flush, suppressing a grin at the praise.

“I wish it was.” You told him, voice a little forlorn, and he leaned in to kiss you, a silent agreement to your request. After a moment you pulled back, actually letting yourself grin. “You think I’m good at my job?” You asked, giggling, and Roger’s expression brightened as he huffed out a laugh.

“You know I do.” And it’s the most gentle you think you’ve ever heard him, the sweet sincerity shifts as his hands come up to rest on your hips. He knows all too well the effect he has on you when he compliments your work. “How many times do I have to tell you?” He asks, a single eyebrow raised, teasing edge to his tone.

“I mean, if you told me too much I think we both know I’d never get anything done.” And your fingers are nimbly undoing his fly. With a cheeky grin, he kisses you again, rougher, biting at your bottom lip before you pull away.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” He muses, watching the way you wet your lips, smiling at him. “You’re very good at other things too, love.” 

“I know.” You watch him through your lashes, biting your lip to keep from laughing as his whole face lights up and he’s snorting out a laugh at your response, and you fall to your knees, already pulling down the waistband of his jeans.

He doesn’t like that you insist on leaving the hotel at different times, becomes a little clingy in the mornings when you go to get up, but he always manages to tug you back down to him, and you get lost in the way he smiles in the early morning sunlight, the feel of his lips on yours, the way he laughs softly against your skin. 

Despite this, he keeps his distance around other people. The band he doesn’t worry about, but he stays up by his drums during lunch, and sometimes during the after parties you attend, he’ll disappear for a few hours at a time, and you find him at the bar, reasonably hammered, surrounded by fans fawning over him. He always goes home with you though, so you try not to feel too jealous.

“Hey, Light? I’m getting lunch, do you want anything?” Things start going downhill the day Robbie pops his head in during your lunch break; you’re at the top of a ladder, fiddling with the angle of a parcan, and Roger’s at his drums.

“No thanks.” You call back, chipper, shooting the ASM a smile, and when he leaves, Roger frowns at you.

“Did he give your nickname a nickname?” He punctuates it with a laugh, but it sounds more angry than anything else.

“That’s Robbie,” your explanation does not seem to placate him. You’d been spending a lot of time with Robbie, the two of you bonding over both having worked on Bowie’s last tour. “He’s German.” You add, as if the fun fact might warm Roger to him.

“I know how to pick accents.” He snapped back at you, and you actually stopped your work to look at him, a little shocked and defensive at his tone. He’s not looking at you, he’s gone back to watching the door.

“He’s the ASM, Rog, chill out, we work together.” You tell him. He doesn’t respond, and all you can do is go back to your work, a squirming discomfort making itself known in your chest.

He disappears after the show that night, not coming to find you after bump out like he usually would, and you try to assume the best; that he’s too high from adrenaline and the endorphins of such a good show that he’d wanted to ride the hype the rest of the band. It wasn’t deliberate, you told yourself.

“You going to the after party?” Robbie asks carefully, hands in his pockets, still wearing his own theatre blacks. You realise you must look a little lost, and when you decide that you are, you tell him, and he offers to walk with him. He’s sweet, excitedly gushing about how he can’t wait for the Munich show so he could see his girlfriend, and you find yourself enthusing about how exciting it is to be travelling around Europe. Once you step foot in the pub, the two of you part ways, Robbie heading for the bar, and you seeking your own boyfriend.

His whole face lights up when he sees you, and the anxiety that had been building in your chest dissipates when he wraps his arms around you, spinning you around.

“I’m sorry, I got caught up.” He told you, but he doesn’t kiss you, just pulls you down to the sofa with him where Freddie’s in the middle of an animated discussion with Brian.

It happens again at the next stop, he leaves you behind and you make your way to the after party talking with Robbie. He’s kind, sweet, looking forward to marrying his high school sweetheart. If you’re being honest, it’s nice to have someone to talk to who understands your side of touring, being another interchangeable face to the talent you’re helping, someone down to earth and . He gushes about how jealous he is of your friendship with the band, starry eyed in the cool night air.

Again, when you arrive at the venue, Roger’s already there, and he doesn’t get up this time, just beckons you to him with a bright smile. It doesn’t ease your discomfort like you hoped his smile would.

“Are you mad at me?” You ask gently one night; the two of you were walking in relative silence, side by side, not touching for fear of paparazzi, you try to justify.

“No, why?” He asked, and you look at him, eyes narrowed as you examine him, and his smile is a little far away when he looks back at you. After a long moment of silence, he takes your hand, pulling you both to a stop, facing each other. He wraps his arms around you, still giving you that far away smile, and he kisses you. “I’m sorry I keep leaving you behind, love.” 

“So you’re not mad at me?” You confirm, stepping back and taking his hand, continuing to walk.

“Of course not; should I be?” And the way he says it, so perfectly fucking harmless, has the hairs on the back of your neck standing up.

“No!” You defend, and he’s laughing easily in the moonlight. 

It keeps happening, sporadically, and it always seems to coincide with whenever he sees you and Robbie together, or Robbie comes in to offer to get you lunch, and you know what’s happening before you dare to admit it.

On some of the nights where you opt to go straight back to the hotel, you’re woken by him flopping into bed beside you, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you to him, warm and protective, at odds with the discomfort in your chest.

“Missed you.” He yawns, smelling of alcohol and cigarettes, and one time, of faint, fruity perfume that you don’t recognise. When you ask him, he says that someone spilled a cocktail on him, and you realise you can’t even tell if he’s lying or not. 

“You jealous?” And you can hear the sleepy smirk in his words, and your own tired mind is unguarded, unfiltered.

“A little.” You whisper into the silence of the hotel room. He doesn’t answer you, but his grip on you tightens, and he hums, the meaning of which you can’t decipher. It takes you a long while to get to sleep after that.

It comes to a head a few weeks later, however, the night they perform in Paris.

“I miss her so much.” Robbie bemoaned you as the two of you walked together, his arm tucked into yours as he waxed poetic about his now-fiance. “She sent me a care package and I swear I almost cried in front of the sound operator.” 

“Why?” You laughed, and Robbie groaned.

“I opened it in the bio box because I picked it up from the front desk on my way here, like right after checking in.” By the time you get to the after party, the music is already blaring, and like always, you split up to go your respective ways. Roger greets you warmly, making room for you on the sofa he was sprawled on, wrapping an arm around you as he continued his conversation with a starry-eyed groupie, who didn’t even acknowledge your presence. You make conversation with John, who’s hovering near the arm of the sofa, bopping along to the music, looking a little bit longingly at the dance floor.

Roger goes to get a drink a little while later, smiling and asking if you’d like anything, and as soon as he’s gone, Robbie, now quite plastered, pours himself into the empty seat.

“I called her- Spotlight, I miss her so much - and she told me she loves me and she can’t wait until I get home; should I walk back to Germany? I wanna see her.” He asked, words blurring together a little from his accent and his inebriated state, and he rests his head on your shoulder.

“This is Robbie; he misses his fiance.” You explain to a confused looking Freddie, who’s expression melts into one of adoration, and he ‘aww’s at that. Robbie is starry-eyed for a long moment, before he turns to you.

“Should I walk to Munich? I miss her.” He reiterates, and you burst out laughing, petting his head fondly.

“No, don’t walk to Munich, you should go home, we’ve got a big day tomorrow.” You tell him, and he groans, clearly not having received the answer he wanted. Instead, you get to your feet and offer him your hand. “I’ll walk you back, we’re staying at the same hotel.”

You find Roger at the bar with one of your arms around Robbie’s shoulders where he’s pretty much legless, the lightweight. There’s a muscle jumping in Roger’s jaw when he sees you, and you hesitate, giving him a confused look.

“Hey, I’m just going to take Robbie back to his room, okay? I’m probably going to bed after.” You tell him. He doesn’t smile, just offers you the drink he got you and blinks slowly when you wave it away. “I’ll see you later, okay?” You ask gently, hoping to get a response from him, but he’s just giving Robbie a sour, calculating look. Robbie is transfixed by the lights behind the bar and does not notice.

When you finally get Robbie into bed, much later than you would have thought since he insisted on stopping at everything that caught his interest, and taking five minutes of standing still and explaining how beautiful his fiance’s eyes were, he’s still wearing his shoes. Once under the covers, he grabs your hands and looks you in the eyes, suddenly serious.

“You’re good. You’re a good sort, Spotlight.” He tells you, his accent coming in just a little thicker with his sincerity, and he pets your hands, before abruptly turning away from you and pulling the blankets up to his nose, clearly tapping out for the night.

The room you shared with Roger was just a few floors up, and you’re in the elevator when you realise you’d left your keys in your room. You usually did, you always went back with Roger, so you usually didn’t need them. When you approach the door, you think you hear murmuring from the other side, but it could have been from across the hall, you don’t think about it too much as you knock. There’s a giggled ‘shhh’ from the other side of the door that’s less easy to play off, but you’re tired enough to think it’s just mostly-asleep Roger. You knock again, but no-one replies. It’s too late to knock too much, and you know he’s a deep sleeper, so with a heavy, tired heart, you make your way down the hall.

“What do you want?” Paul’s frowning at you when he opens the door, wearing his blue pyjamas, squinting at you.

“Keys to the bus please, I need somewhere to sleep, Roger’s not answering.” You tell him, and punctuate it with a yawn. After a beat more of watching you, as if assessing your motives, he disappears back into his room and reappears with the keys.

“Don’t lose them.” He warned, before closing the door on you.

The sofa in the bus is long enough that you can spread out, and you find someone’s fur coat to use as a blanket. It’s comfortable enough, a little cold, and it’s only when you hear a banging on the door and feel the sunlight on your face the next morning that you get up.

Opening the door, you see Roger standing there, looking up at you, waiting for entrance. Moving back to your makeshift bed, you take a seat, giving him a confused smile.

“I... didn’t think you’d actually be here.” He already sounds like he’s in a mood, bitter, but a little bit hesitant.

“Of course I stayed here, I knocked but you didn’t answer- what was up with that?” You asked, punctuating it with a yawn, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. He watched for a moment before he slid his sunglasses down his nose to glare at you over them.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, voice a little hoarse and scratchy, moving from hesitant to just quietly angry, the venom in his words hurting like a physical slap, and you sat up straighter.

“I’m-” And you’re searching for the words, but none come to mind.

“Why are you still on this bus?” He explains in a hiss. After a beat, he slides his glasses back up his nose, and turns to look away from you, a clear dismissal.

You’re at a loss as to how to explain that you’re here because... well, you’re always here, it’s where you were now. He’s the one who’d brought you here. 

“What do you mean? You’re the one who wanted me here.” Standing your ground, you don’t dare let your voice betray how confused and hurt you were feeling. 

“Yeah, well now I don’t.” He snapped. His words hit you squarely in the chest, and he leaves you in your shocked, dazed silence, moving to the back of the bus. “Fuck off back to the equipment bus, since you prefer it so much better.” He snarled, and that’s what unfroze you. 

“Christ, I don’t get paid enough to deal with whatever this is and ride in that bus, so that’s a resounding ‘no thanks’. And more importantly; what the fuck has gotten into you?” Emotion comes crashing back into you, rage tearing through you like a tidal wave, and you turn on him, jaw clenched.

“’Whatever this is’” he snorted, low and bitter, “yeah, but you get paid enough to fuck that little, brown-haired cockhead?” He asked, and your eyes went wide.

“Who? Robbie?” You asked, voice dangerously calm. “You think I’m fucking Robbie? Our assistant stage manager? Who just proposed to his girlfriend at our stop in Munich? That brown-haired cockhead?” You snarled, advancing on Roger like a predator cornering her prey, bitter tension gathering across your skin.

“Was he the one crying on your shoulder last night at the after party?” Roger raised an eyebrow, but the sting had left his words. Narrowing your eyes, you confirm with a single, venomous ‘yes’. “Oh.”

“Is that why you locked me out last night? You thought I was-”

“I was angry, okay?” He cut you off, sitting down at the back of the bus, and though his tone is angry, his demeanour, the way he’s avoiding your gaze and fiddling, it’s... almost guilty. In that moment, it was as if you’d been splashed with cold water, an icy realisation slithering down your spine.

“What does that mean?” Voice level, you try not to jump to conclusions, but your heart is already sinking. He doesn’t answer. When he turns away, you see a hickey on his collar that wasn’t there yesterday. “Roger, what did you do?” You asked, and the hurt was already bleeding through into your words.

“I was... I was so fucking angry.” It’s not a real answer, it’s not even a real excuse. The way he says it, jaw clenched, heart in his throat, he’s all but bleeding guilt, too proud to ask for forgiveness.

“Bullshit.” Your can feel tears welling in your eyes and threatening to spill, but your hands are shaking with anger, hurt, betrayal, and you don’t even care. “You’ve been weird for weeks, you were just looking for the first out you could get.” 

“Y/N.” He stands, reaches out to grab your shoulder, but you step back, out of his reach.

“No.” Your voice is firm, but your lip is quivering. “I don’t want you to ever touch me again,” wrapping your arms across your chest, looking at his outstretched hand with disdain through your tears. “Being angry isn’t an excuse. Jumping to conclusions isn’t an excuse. I get that it must be fun fucking around with the girl who makes you work for it by your standards, but,” shaking your head, you sniffle, holding yourself a little tighter with one hand, you wipe away your tears with the other, “the moment you have to work, have to put in a little bit of fucking trust? You couldn’t even do that.”

“Spotlight, please-”

“I’m in fucking Europe for you, Roger! What in your fucking, dumbass mind thinks that I’m someone who travels halfway across the world with someone just to cheat on them?” You’re yelling now, grateful to be alone and worrying that others would join you at any minute. You didn’t want them seeing you like this.

“For me? You’re here for work! I’m opening doors for you in the industry that you’d never have opened yourself!” And he knows even as he’s saying it that it’s the wrong thing to say, but he’s too furious at himself, lashing out at the only person he could. He watches as your expression turns shocked, before shattering, and you start bawling your eyes out, holding your face in your hands. Regret floods through him, but as he steps forwards to comfort you, you yell for him to fuck off.

“I can’t- I can’t leave can I? If I leave the tour, they’ll think the tabloid are right, that I’m some dumb groupie.” And you turn, distraught, and curl up on the sofa along the inside of the bus, still bawling, loud and ugly, great heaving sobs wracking your body as you realise the full extent of what had happened, and what it would mean for you. “You’ve ruined my fucking career.”

“That’s a bit of an overstatement.” He can’t even bring himself to apologise, sitting back against the window of the bus, watching as you curl yourself into a ball, the only sound filling the silence being your sobbing. It hurts, his heart is fucking aching, but he couldn’t admit it. When you raised your head to look at him, your eyes red rimmed and lip trembling, he feels only a white hot guilt fill him from the inside out.

“You don’t get it, this industry is about who you know, and if all I am is some girl who Roger Taylor fucked, flew across the world, and got bored with, it doesn’t matter how good at my job I am, I’ll just be another groupie with aspirations.” And you bury your face in your hands again.

“We could... pretend like nothing happened, until the end of the tour.” He offers, quietly, the weakest hail mary pass you’d ever heard, and you roll your eyes at him.

“I’d rather have my dignity, thanks.” You spat, taking in a deep shaking breath as you finally sat up, wiping fruitlessly at your eyes as tears continued to flow, though you tried to pull yourself together.

“You’re not under contract, you can leave if you want.” And it might literally be last on the list of things you’d wanted to hear at that moment.

“I get it, Roger, you don’t want me around.” You snap, standing. “You are who you are; I was stupid to think you were better than that.” You sniffled. When you turn and leave, he’s silent, replaying your words over and over again in his head until he’s absolutely livid at what he’s done. 

When the rest of the band returns almost a full half an hour later, he’s trashed the entirety of the bus, even going to far as to rip up the cushioning on the bench beneath the back window. 

“So you’ve heard the news I take it.” Brian looks at the scene before them, voice and demeanour both surprisingly nonchalant, and Roger, breathing heavily amid the carnage, gives him a sharp look. “Spotlight’s heading home, something’s come up with her family.” He explains. Behind him, John’s already started picking up a fractured mug, and Freddie is just frowning at Roger.

“Yeah?” Is all Roger says, snatching up the cushions from where he’d thrown them, and flopping himself onto the back bench, facing away from them all. 

“She’s just talking to the production manager if you’d like to say goodbye.” Freddie offers, carefully neutral, and Roger suspects he knows something’s up with the story.

“She doesn’t want to see me.” He huffed sulkily, and the others lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. They can tell it’s a touchy subject but they don’t pry. They don’t hear from you, don’t even know how to contact you if they had been able to, instead they watch Roger pick up different girls night after night, trash hotel rooms, and grow shorter when interacting with the crew, especially the assistant stage manager.

“I am who I am.” Is all he says, lips around a cigarette where he’s chain smoking in the empty theatre at lunch when Freddie finds him and finally asks what’s wrong. Freddie wants to ask what happened, wants to ask why you really left, but he knows Roger well enough to figure most of it out. Roger’s a ticking time bomb nowadays, so he doesn’t pry. 

The band doesn’t talk about you, not when paparazzi and reports yell out asking where you are, not to the crew, they barely talk about you to each other, and they never talk about you around Roger. 

The bus is quieter now.

Roger’s louder now. 

There’s an ache in his chest that won’t go away, that he’s filling with meaningless sex and too much booze because he can’t stand waking up alone, and he still thinks about what you said, and the way you had smiled at him before it all went to shit. He remembers how you’d risked your life for a light beneath his drums, and sometimes at breakfast he finds himself thinking about how you’d thrown a plate of food in his face before you were even real friends, and he wants to yell, to scream, because how could he be so fucking stupid? You’d seen him for who he was, and chose to be with him despite it, you thought he could be better than his reputation, but he’d just managed to prove he wasn’t. 

It hits him when he’s got his hands on some girl whose name he doesn’t know that all he can think about is you, and he hates himself when he leans into the fantasy, not that the other girl notices. He’d rather fuck around than admit he’d developed feelings for you, and so he does, and pretends like he doesn’t miss your sleepy, morning grin, or the casual way the two of you would chat as you were rigging the spotlights for the band.

The day he finds out they’ve replaced you, the kid they’ve got is at the top of the ladder during lunch when he walks in, and he’s hit with such a sense of deja vu that he stops in his tracks.

“I was told this is the best time for me to get work done.” Her voice, thank god she sounds nothing like you, is hesitant, with none of the calm confidence you exuded at the top of the ladder.

“It’s none of my fucking business.” Roger snaps, and turns on his heel and leaves, pretending like it hadn’t felt like he’d just seen a ghost. He gets another drink.

[rainecloud020604]

🔥🕊️🌙📚👑☕ Universo,Artsy,Leland,Hood,Milo,Violet?

🔥 If your OC known for having temper tantrums? If not, what gets them really angry? What makes their blood BOIL? Is there anyway to calm them down or are they unstoppable? What are they like when they’re angry? Do they take it out on their loved ones?

Universo - its very rare to get this angel’s blood boiling, he hates and absolutely loathes people getting disrespected in any way when they clearly deserve the respect because they earned it. he keeps it to himself and calms himself down, he’s kinda collected when he gets angry, to himself, doesnt let his anger out of others often unless they earned it

Artsy - the gal gets really angry when she is underestimated, along with seeing others mistreated. She can get a bit violent if needed to express the fact that she is pissed. its easy to calm her down, just leave her be for a bit. she will take the anger out on who earned it, not loved ones.

Leland - interruptions, hates them with a passion, along with fire and Rainie of course uwu its hard to calm him down, he has to let it boil down a bit really. he’s violent sometimes, otherwise he’s just cold. and no

Hood - hurting innocents gets her pissed, she gets violent and dont get in her way until she handles it herself. she’s never really taken her anger out on loved ones intentionally, once on Oliver but that was an accident...

Milo - its rare this detective has ever been seen angry, once or twice, mainly when others rights are violated or disrespect in general, deliberate harm to those close to him also pisses him off. once he’s at this point he is honestly ready to give someone a piece of his mind. he does become a bit cold and violent, but only towards who just earned it.

Violet - no such thing as anger for this gal, innocent as can be, never been seen angry.

🕊️ Would your OC ever get married or are they already wed? If they’re married, describe what their wedding was like! If not, describe their ideal wedding (or do this if you feel like it anyway!)

Universo - Marriage is indeed something done differently where he is from. if anything planning a wedding would be a lot of time consuming work, i mean blending both traditions maybe or just going with one or the other, just something simple as can just get the process handled and done. 

Artsy - marriage?! its a bit to soon to be thinking about that in her opinion. just something small, something simple, nothing huge like a lot of other people would dream. 

Leland -no, just no, doesnt like the idea of marriage. 

Hood - she might not recall what the wedding was like but she remembers that she is indeed married. but even drunk memories of this wouldnt even serve well. it was chaotic but also spent with friends, when i say drunk memories, she did get a but drunk near the end, of course after cake and vows! They did have to kick someone out, but i mean they were an unwanted guest so, they didnt need to be there.

Milo - just, he likes the idea of a small wedding a lot more than a huge one, a huge one would be a lot of work and he doesnt really think that he would be able to manage such.

Violet - no no no- gal doesnt know what marriage really is, os cant really answer that.

🌙 If your OC could have one wish come true what would it be and why? Would there be consequences to this wish or would they regret it once they get what they want? What would they give in return for this wish to come true?

Universo - one wish, he wouldnt want it really, give it to someone who needs it more.

Artsy - one wish...thats a bit too much to give her, to never have to go back to her home world... she wouldnt ever regret that..there is no point in going back to nothing...

Leland - he’d wish to not exist... im sure those consequences are clear

Hood - to have her memories back, the consequences are well, she knows a lot more of what she left behind, and the truth hurts a lot. she would regret it a little bit.. she wouldnt give everything for it, depends really..

Milo - every wish carries consequences, he’s happy with how everything is, woudlnt want it, not wanting to risk messing up anything.  

Violet - something simple really, want to go into inkwell a bit, explore. she might end up regretting it, depends on who she meets, which is also where consequences may come in as well

📚 If your OC was given some kind of forbidden knowledge, what would they do with it? Would they tell anyone? Use it for evil or good? How would it change their outlook on life, if at all?

Universo - trust me, he holds a lot of forbidden knowledge he keeps to himself, he wont tell anyone, wont use it, but it will change the way he looks at things, for the better or worse.

Artsy - that would be a bit stressing for her to keep it a secret, she’d write it down and then destroy what she wrote it on, keep it in mind when she would need to use it for good. change everything really

Leland - tell who he felt like, use it to benefit himself only, change a little on how he looks at life, at others.

Hood - ah yes, keep the knowledge to herself for the love of god no one will ever know once you tell her. use it for good, and well it would change a lot..

Milo - i mean he cant just blurt it out, have to end up writing or signing it, and he would just keep it to himself. use it for good, be a bit stressing really, change the way he looks at life for sure

Violet - she cant keep secrets to save her life, tell Harold about it. use it for good, change the way she looks at life for sure.

👑 If your OC was made royal (or is royal) how would they use their power? Are they a good leader or bad? Do their subjects like them or is it ‘off with their head’? Do they enjoy being royal?

Universo -  this angel has a huge heart, use his power for good, some would say make a pretty good leader. be hard to find someone who didnt like him really. and some days yes otherwise most of the time no.

Artsy - she’s used to taking orders, not giving them. she’s make a pretty good leader not gonna lie, benefit everyone in the kingdom. some people wouldnt like her, mainly because her cause is against theirs. most of the time she would rather not be one, probably all the time.

Leland - jeez- selfish needs, horrible leader, everyone would hate him. he’d enjoy the power.

Hood - oh god she hates royals with a passions so let us see, use it for benefiting the kingdom, be an okay leader, some subjects would respect her, there are always some that will never like her. hate being a royal with a passion

Milo - he would use this power to benefit the kingdom, help strengthen it. make a good leader after a few years of practice. being mute has its downfalls with having people like him, hard to talk with him. not really enjoy it, find it stressing.

Violet - gal would need guidance, be liable to being manipulated if it wasnt for Harold being there for sure. a lot of people would like her, she would be an okay leader, just naive. she..might enjoy it a little bit

☕ Give us one (or more if you feel like it) of your OCs deep dark secrets! Why do they keep it hidden? Spill the tea!

Universo - he hates and wishes he couldnt hurt others, its rare he’s fine with is but normally he feels horrible about it. sometimes he hates being this way because he seems to end up making the situation worse

Artsy - she, honest to god, considers herself a deserter. she keeps it to herself, she doesnt want others to know, its kiinda why she doesnt think she could be considered a hero to anyone.

Leland - He only enjoys hurting others because it takes his mind off of the pain he’s been through, only reason why really.

Hood - she is slowly breaking, only reason why she has shuji, she cant help but break for now, cant control it...

Milo - sometimes, sometimes he feels like he doesnt deserve what he earned, he keeps that to himself of course...

Violet - she, does know what happened to her parents, she isnt scared though, she wont tell you how, but Harold doesnt know she knows

[she-rules-her-own-world]

Dear somebody,

This could be a dear john letter but its not, because i dont have a john. i dont have anybody. 

I have a home but its not my home. He is my home, but he can’t be my forever home and that is going to be hard for me to handle in a little over a month. I want it to be. But its just not. If we met in a different place at a different time then maybe it would be a possibility for him to be my forever, but its not. I know its not. He is getting married. That is a for sure thing that is happening. He is getting married soon and as much as i dont think that she is a person, she is and she has feelings too. She gets him. i dont. I get the memories though, she gets forever. It feels weird to be typing this but i now understand the world so much more. 

Its different. Little innocent Nicole in this affair type relationship. He doesnt treat us as the same person, we are two different people and two separate beings in his mind. He has two different relationships with two different women, that he still tells i love you to both of them. im sure of it. He is one of the only people that i can hang out with for long periods of time and not get irritated with him, Its weird. I dont know what this is, but i know that i dont want it to stop... even though i know it will. I am afraid that once i get a real person in my life, that i will stop talking to him, i dont want that to happen, i know i dont. but it probably will... Was that the reason why i loved talking to him in the first place? was that he was giving me attention? I dont think so. I talked to him because i enjoyed his presence, i talked to him because he made me laugh, he was different.  Idk maybe i always had this connection with him, even though i didnt think that i did. 

You trust somebody to be faithful. If that person breaks that trust, how would you react? It probably wouldnt not be taken well. 

An exboyfriend went onto my other blog, to try to figure out who my “new” boy is, and in doing so read some things that could be considered well damaging... like how  i didnt find him attractive... new boy i find attractive... and i havent said no to new boy ( that wasnt in the other blog, but it was a realization...) . Even though he thinks he knows who new boy is, he doesnt know for sure because i didnt say anything regarding that, i hinted at it... and what i am going to tell him is that new boy is done in december yes, but he is moving to back California and his name is Dustin. and he is 25. New boy is a graduate student also and best friend has been driving me to his house sometimes, but most of the time i get picked up. Because i dont feel comfortable asking best friend to drive me over there all the time.  but best friend knows what goes on between us. they know literally everything. but not for the reason that i am telling exboyf.

I have known him for less than a year... so much has happened in that time frame... we have grown close as friends..  as well as people who are more than friends? 

I still have some growing to do. He is afraid that I will outgrow him. Because I still have some maturing to do. There is a chance that I am not done figuring out myself. 

Turns out that he didnt actually know about andrew and i... and i was stressed out over nothing..

I finally talked to victoria so the ball is now in her court... i dont know if she is going to say anything to me... i hope she does... i hope we can still be friends... but if she doesnt want me here, then she doesnt want me here and there is nothing i can do about that, except to move out...

Who knew my senior year would be this eventful? Who knew that this much would happen in such a short amount of time?

I joked that i was the side ho... his mind went to her being the side ho... which isnt good... because he is getting married in december... to her.. 

am i a homewrecker? like he thought about me too much...he probably still does.. he got upset when i was flirting with max.. but then again he was sitting right next to me.. so its understandable... also red flags should have gone up when max first messaged me because i said i wanted to get drunk...

Why do i deliberately sabotage good things? like i know what i have with him is good, why did i post that about getting drunk this weekend? why am i flirting with max when i am getting more than enough attention from him? 

Sincerely, 

#stressedcollegestudent 

[nicotineandtears-blog]

The Prologue.

It's been 2 nights since my whole world came to an burning end. I had lost all 14 of my friends within the matter of a few hours and I had no idea it happened. I found out after they decided to vote me off the island. Why? That’s the burning question in my head.

That may sound stupid and like an excuse, but I promise you, it's not. I don't know what I did, I dont even know what Im being accused of all I know is theyre upset with me and dont want to speak or see me. But I guess before I get to that part I should explain some backstory.

It started last year. I came to college to sort of become “my own” as my mom would say. Did I want to move 8 hours away from all of my friends? leave my family? No. All of my friends were 20 or 21 and going to the university in my hometown. They all were starting their careers and we all shared the same dream. My friends and I spent more time together than we needed to. We were inseparable. But me, being the 18 year old baby of the group, with my mother in my ear, I moved 8 hours away with no friends.

I hated my life, and when I say hate, I'm not being dramatic. It seemed as if no one understood me. I didn't have friends who shared the same ideals and dreams as me (which is actually very important FYI), I had no family, the food was horrible, it was about 15 degrees colder at all times and the beds were extremely small. But anyways, I hated my life. Till one day I decided to get in contact with an old friend from middle school. I saw she was attending the same Uni and I thought it would be cool to reconnect. Which it was, when I went to her dorm room, I instantly felt a connection and group dynamic between her friends and roommates.

That night was the start of a beautiful nightmare.

We all became so close within the matter of months. Me, Jenna, Briana, Donna, Dionne, Joe, Grace, and Rachel. These are the main characters of the this story and my daily diary entry and for privacy reasons I chose not to use their real names. There was 15 of us in total but those are the main ones you need to remember as I vent on here. But anyways, yes we all became a very close knit group, laughing every chance we got, getting dinner together every night, studying together, hanging between classes, walking to classes, going out on the weekend, or even staying in on the weekend. We were always together.

At first it was really hard for me to blend in with the group because they all went to high school with Jenna. Grace and I went to high school together (and eventually got really close but we will get there) and actually requested to be roommates with each other, we just weren't that close on a personal level at first. We were both very quiet and reserved people and didn't like to be public about our feelings. But with the majority of the group having gone to high school together, it was hard to blend easily. They had all these inside jokes and memories. They knew each other so well.

It's not that I was jealous of that, cause I wasn't. I missed my friend group. I didn't want to start over and blend with these people. I barely knew them. I was so different from everyone else. I didn't like secrets and it was apparent that this group had A LOT of them. They hid secrets from each other so easily it was 2nd nature. It was hard to accept and be apart of that. I dont show my feelings very well, I don't like expressing when I'm sad, mad, or something offends me. I have a thick skin and nothing gets to me. It's the way I was raised and brought up. 

Group chats was also an adjustment. This group ran and operated under one thing. Group chats. They had group chats for everything and that's how they all communicated. If only a few of us were going to the student union, there was a group chat about that. If someone annoyed the majority of the people in the room, someone would make a group chat specifically about that annoying person. The members of that group chat would then make fun of the person being talked about it right then and there. (DISCLAIMER; Im not innocent of this by any means, I did everything that I will explain about this group but it was an adjustment and chipped away a piece of who I really was as I made it my normal) I hated group chats in high school. I hated all the notifications and how many conversations would go on at once. It seemed like nothing could get done. And that's exactly how it happened with this group. So many messages that it was easy to miss plans.

If someone was left out of certain plans it was the end of the world. Even it was posted in the group chat, talked about for 45 minutes, and made a solid plan, if someone missed the messages, wasnt online, or couldn't make it, we were horrible friends and they would make a scene about it. (This is what I mean when I talk about sensitive)

Now, I was desperate to find where I belonged. At that time, I had no where or no one. So I made sure that I belonged in this group. I changed my views and ideals on things. I put my dreams on hold. All to fit into a group who then later chewed me up and spit me out without a second thought. But I was so blinded by wanting to be accepted, I actually made it in and they became my normal and I became theirs.

Before I move on to a new topic, there is something you should know. The group, one of their favorite pastimes was, shit talking. They shit talked about absolutely everything and everyone, including members of the group. If someone annoyed them, if someone wore an ugly color, if someone looked at us funny, etc. You get the point.

From the moment I entered, I knew there was something off about them and there was shadiness within the group. 

I did my best and actually became really close with Jenna again. We were both a mess and didn't want to be in that boring city, if you could even call it that. It was like we were in middle school again, fan girling over stupid boys, making stupid jokes about anything and everything, and spending hours on end together. It was nice to have one of my close friends again. I felt normal and it was like a piece of home. But It was very apparent that other people in the group didn't fuck with her as heavily as I did hence a shadiness that I mentioned earlier. I tried my best to stay out of it. But it got messy a long way. But my point is, they talk so much shit, even about each other.

Now I had a hidden paradise within all of this high school drama madness was, Taylor. I met Taylor at freshman orientation, we were in the same group and we partnered up in a game and dominated together without knowing anything about each other. That's when we knew we were meant to be together. The best part of Taylor was he loved guys just as much as I did. So we were a match made in heaven. We were competitive, stubborn, funny, smart, driven, insensitive, and both loved men. After orientation, I expected to never really see him again, we exchanged each other's numbers but I didn't expect to become close. I never do with those kind of encounters. But turns out we were destined to be together and once again faith did its job. We ended up just a few doors down from each other in the same dorm hall and on the same floor. What are the odds of that.  We saw each other everyday and I honestly never got tired of his presence. We think alike and hes is very blunt and honest about everything. He didn't like to express how he felt and he didn't like secrets. So we got along very well. (Now I am actually roommates with him in a house) 

He was my escape and my little paradise. I could tell him anything and he would either agree with me or give me his honest opinion. I think what I like most about him is that he reminds me of my true self. Even though I didnt realize this until recently. He reminds me of the old Valerie. 

I tried to bring him around the group but they hated him. Taylor is complicated for people who don't have a complex mind. He is too smart for his own good, he literally knows everything about everything, and at times it could get really annoying, but it's charming, he doesn't show emotion and he's very robotic. He doesnt like to be wrong, but does anyone? You could say that Taylor and the group were the same but the group does not admit when they're wrong and anyone who isnt in their inner circle, is irrelevant. They were right and never wrong. But Taylor, he was hardly ever, ever, ever wrong but when he was, he owned up to it. So Taylor was hated for how strong of a person he was, something I was afraid to be around these people.

This group was the death of a girl I use to call Valerie. No thats not my real name. (I refuse to use real names.) I ruined myself and everything I believed in and tried to accomplish, but I'm definitely not innocent in all this either. I destroyed my friendship with them without even meaning to. Its hurt me more than I expected. Their is an emptiness inside me, I feel alone. My whole life for the past year is now gone except for a few pieces. Its like it never happened and they never came into my life. They vanished so quickly and I didnt get the chance to even say goodbye. But after some thinking and long deliberation, I came to the conclusion that they damaged me just as much as I damaged them.