#DeadpanHumor | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

the-most-humble-blog · 11 days ago

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Had brunch with Dad. He held his coffee like it was the severed head of a senator. Then told the waitress my pancakes were “a cry for help.” I wasn’t crying until he added, “Your mother flipped better ones.”

I haven’t blinked since.

🧠 Read more scrolltrap shame, daddy-issues fanfic, and Force-based trauma comedy at: 👉 https://www.patreon.com/TheMostHumble 🚪 If this post made you uncomfortable, good. That means it was written perfectly. 📦 Reblog before the algorithm buries this under 9000 soft-filtered fan edits and Bo-Katan moodboards.

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notgaydotcom · 4 months ago

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DIY BOLD RAINBOW HOODIE

Welcome to NotGayDotCom – The Most Aggressively Neutral Storefront on the Internet

Congratulations, you’ve stumbled upon NotGayDotCom, a hypothetical storefront (for now) dedicated to deadpan irony, passive-aggressive realism, and the art of strategic ambiguity.

This is merch for the perpetually exhausted—for people who are not thriving, not panicking, not over it, and definitely not gaslit (allegedly). It’s the answer to toxic positivity, hustle culture, and the unhinged expectations of modern life.

Is it self-aware consumerism? Yes. Will wearing these shirts change the world? Absolutely not. But will they make you feel slightly more powerful while standing in line at the DMV? Probably.

Each Not Statement captures a specific, highly relatable form of existential dread, workplace frustration, emotional burnout, or general disillusionment with the modern world.

🚧 Work & Hustle Culture – Because No One Actually Wants to Be Here

For those who have been ground down by capitalism but still need a paycheck:

Not Overworked – Just perfectly balanced between exhaustion and pretending I care.

Not Underpaid – But definitely not paid enough.

Not Exploited – Just wildly taken advantage of.

Not Just a Number – Except in the company database.

Not Burnt Out – Just "resting." Forever.

Not Working for Exposure – Because I like money.

Not an AI Replacement (Yet) – Still human… for now.

🧠 Mental Health & Emotional States – Functioning? Not Quite.

For the ones who know that "I'm fine" is a legal disclaimer, not a fact:

Not Unwell – But let’s not dig too deep.

Not Anxious – Just mentally preparing for every possible disaster.

Not Depressed – Just... ugh.

Not Coping, Thanks for Asking – But let’s pretend I am.

Not in Therapy (Yet) – Give it time.

Not Spiraling – Just thinking in increasingly catastrophic loops.

Not Having an Identity Crisis – Or am I?

🚨 Social & Political Commentary – Just Enough to Make People Uncomfortable

For when you don’t want to start a debate, but also kinda do:

Not Free – But sure, let’s keep calling it that.

Not Equal – System still loading...

Not Oppressed (Allegedly) – A take as hot as the rent prices.

Not Gaslit – Unless I am, and I just don’t know it yet.

Not Radicalized – At least not in public.

Not Brainwashed – Just suspicious.

Not Buying It – Literally and metaphorically.

💔 Personal Life & Relationships – Unavailable in Every Way

For the romantically exhausted and socially disengaged:

Not Over It – But totally fine. Totally.

Not Attached – Commitment? Don’t know her.

Not Dating Right Now – Or possibly ever.

Not in Love – But please, go on about your relationship.

Not Texting Back – And not sorry about it.

Not Settling – Even if society thinks I should.

Not Codependent – But do you still like me?

💰 Financial & Lifestyle Realities – The Delusion of Stability

For everyone not thriving but also not completely in financial ruin (yet):

Not Broke (Just Minimalist) – Totally by choice.

Not Middle Class (LOL) – Only on paper.

Not Thriving, Just Surviving – A fine line.

Not Secure – In any sense of the word.

Not a Homeowner – But thanks for asking.

Not on Vacation – Unless we’re counting dissociation.

Not Manifesting Wealth (Yet) – Vision board still buffering.

☠️ General Existential Dread – The Ultimate "It Is What It Is" Collection

For when everything is collapsing, but you still have errands to run:

Not Panicking – Just screaming internally.

Not Okay with This – But here we are.

Not Dead Inside – But also, not exactly alive inside.

Not Dissociating – Just staring into the void for fun.

Not on Autopilot – Beep beep... wait, what?

Not a Simulation (I Think) – The jury’s still out.

Not Reincarnating After This – One and done, thanks.

Final Thoughts – Not Taking This Too Seriously (Or Am I?)

This collection is for the ones who prefer realism over delusion, sarcasm over fake enthusiasm, and a perfectly balanced mix of nihilism and passive rebellion.

Will NotGayDotCom actually become a real storefront? Maybe. Maybe not.

Either way, Not My Problem.

🔥 Stay Unbothered,

NotGayDotCom

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