#Electronic security system

[techcomengineering]

Exploring Barrier Systems: Types and Their Essential Functions

A barrier system is a physical or electronic structure designed to control, restrict, or manage access to specific areas, manage traffic flow, or enhance security and safety. Barrier systems are used in various settings, including security checkpoints, parking facilities, industrial sites, and traffic management. They can be classified into several types based on their functionality and application:

1. Types of Barrier Systems:

Physical Barriers:

Gates: These can be manual or automatic and are used to control vehicle or pedestrian access to premises.

Fences: Used to enclose areas and prevent unauthorized entry, often found around properties, industrial sites, and schools.

Bollards: Short, vertical posts designed to block vehicle access and protect pedestrians or buildings. They can be fixed, removable, or retractable.

Traffic Barriers:

Boom Barriers: Commonly used at parking lots, toll booths, and entry/exit points. They consist of a horizontal bar that lifts to allow vehicles to pass.

Barriers with Sensors: These can detect vehicle presence and manage access based on automated systems, such as in parking garages or secure facilities.

Security Barriers:

Turnstiles: Often used in public transportation, stadiums, and secure areas to control pedestrian flow and access.

Security Gates: These include high-security gates equipped with access control systems, often used in high-security facilities.

Electronic Barriers:

Access Control Systems: These can include card readers, keypads, or biometric scanners that control access to restricted areas.

Automated Barriers: Integrated with sensors and control systems to automatically open or close based on pre-set rules or inputs.

2. Functions of Barrier Systems:

Access Control: Restrict or allow entry to specific areas based on authorization, improving security and privacy.

Traffic Management: Regulate vehicle flow in parking lots, toll booths, and other high-traffic areas to prevent congestion and ensure smooth operation.

Safety and Protection: Prevent accidents by delineating safe zones from hazardous areas and protecting people from potential dangers.

Deterrence: Act as a deterrent to unauthorized access or potential intruders by creating physical or electronic barriers.

3. Applications of Barrier Systems:

Commercial and Residential Properties: Control access to buildings, parking lots, and restricted areas.

Industrial Sites: Protect sensitive areas, manage traffic flow, and ensure safety around machinery and hazardous zones.

Public Facilities: Manage entry and exit points in places like airports, stadiums, and public transportation hubs.

Events and Venues: Control crowd movement and access during large events or concerts.

4. Benefits of Barrier Systems:

Enhanced Security: Protect sensitive areas and control access, reducing the risk of theft, vandalism, or unauthorized entry.

Improved Traffic Flow: Manage vehicle and pedestrian movement, preventing congestion and ensuring orderly access.

Increased Safety: Prevent accidents and protect people from hazardous areas or unsafe conditions.

Operational Efficiency: Streamline access processes, reducing the need for manual intervention and improving overall management.

In summary, a barrier system is a versatile tool used to manage access, enhance security, and ensure safety in various environments. Whether physical or electronic, barrier systems help organizations and facilities operate more efficiently and securely.

[alwajeeztech]

Documents Library in ALZERP Cloud ERP Software

Key Features of the Documents Library

Automatic Document Uploads: Documents from various ERP modules, such as sales, purchase, vouchers, and employee transactions, are automatically added to the library.

Document Conversion: Image files are automatically converted to PDF format for universal compatibility.

Advanced Search: Easily find documents by date, number, type, or other criteria.

Multiple File Actions: Download single files or merge multiple PDFs for streamlined access.

Document Organization: Categorize documents into folders for better organization and retrieval.

Document Security: Ensure secure storage and access control for sensitive documents.

[nationallawreview]

Dependent Work Permits – Is the U.S. Catching Up with Other Immigration Destinations?

There are many ways in which the U.S. immigration system is lagging behind those of other countries. We still put physical visas in passports – something Australia stopped doing nearly 10 years ago when they converted to a purely electronic visa system. Our immigration system is predominantly paper-based, with limited options for electronic filings, an area where other countries have fully…

[mohitbisresearch]

The Assessment of Emerging Technologies Impacting ISR in U.S. is estimated to reach $1,430.0 Million by 2037 from $430.7 Million in 2027, at a CAGR of 12.75% during the forecast period 2027-2037.

[gallusrostromegalus]

Move To A Darker Place

This is a story of Man Vs. Machine.

---

Last March, my father attempted to file his Taxes.

My beloved father is a Boomer. Unlike most Boomers, my father is rather handy with technology because he was one of the people that had a not-insignificant hand in Developing a hell of a lot of it. He was studying Computer Science at Cal Poly before the computer science degree existed. I have many fond childhood memories of skipping through the aisles of various electronic and computer part warehouses while Dad described something that either terrified the staff or made them worship him as a God.  He taught himself how to use his smartphone.  Internationally.

So when he saw the option to file digitally with the IRS through the “ID.me” program, he leapt at the chance to celebrate the Federal Government finally entering the Digital Age.

It was all going swimmingly for about six hours, until he was ready to file and the system told him that it needed to verify his identity. 

“Very Well.” said my father, a man unafraid of talking to himself and getting something out of the conversation. “It wouldn’t do for me to get someone else’s return.”

The System told him that it needed him to take a “Digital Image ID”.

a.k.a: A Selfie.

“A-ha!” Dad beams. Dad is very good at taking selfies. He immediately pulled out his phone, snapped one, and tried to upload it.

Please log into your Id.me Account and use the provided app to submit your Digital Image ID. The System clarified.

“Oh. You should have said so.”  Dad pouted, but used his phone to log onto the ID.me account, do the six security verification steps and double-checked that the filing looked the same as it did on the desktop, gave the IRS like nine permissions on his phone, and held up the camera to take his Federal Privacy Invasion Selfie.

Please align your face to the indicated grid. Said The System, pulling up a futuristic green-web-of-polygons approximation.

“Ooh, very Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry would HATE this!” Dad said cheerfully, aligning his face to the grid.  My father is a bit… cavalier, when it comes to matters of personal information and federal government, because he’s been on FBI watchlists since the late 60’s when he was protesting The Vietnam War and Ronald Regan before he’d broken containment. Alas.

Anyway, there is very little information the federal government does not have on him already, but he’s as good at stalking the FBI as they are at stalking him, and had worked out a solution:  He has something approaching a friendship with the local Federal Agent (Some guy named “Larry”. Allegedly), and got Larry hooked on Alternative Histories and Dad’s collection of carefully-researched “there is very likely buried treasure here” stories, and Larry is loath to bother his favorite Historical Fanfiction author too much.

But I digress.

After thinking for a minute, The System came back with an Error Message. Please remove glasses or other facial obstructions.

And here is where the real trouble began.

See, my father wears glasses that do substantially warp the appearance of his face, because he is so nearsighted that he is legally blind without them. His natural focal point is about 4 inches in front of his nose.  While Dad can still take a selfie because he (approximately) knows where his phone is if it’s in his hand, he cannot see the alignment grid.

He should ask someone to take it for him! I hear the audience say. Yes, that would be the sane and reasonable thing to do, but Dad was attempting to do taxes at his residence in Fort Collins, while his immediate family was respectively in Denver, Texas and Canada.  He tried calling our neighbors, who turned out to be in Uganda.

He looked down at the dog, Arwen, and her little criminal paws that can open doorknobs, but not operate cell phones.

She looked back at him, and farted.

“Well, I’ll give it a try, but if it gives me too much trouble, I’ll call Larry, and Larry can call the IRS about it.” Dad told her. 

She continued to watch him. Arwen is an Australian Kelpie (a type of cattle-herding dog), going on 14 years old, deaf as a post and suffering from canine dementia now, but she still retains her natural instinct to Micromanage. She was also trained as a therapy dog, and even if she can’t hear my dad, still recognizes the body language of a man setting himself up for catastrophe.

So, squinting in the late afternoon light next to the back door, Dad attempted to line his face up with a grid he could only sort-of see, and took A Federal Selfie.

The System thought about it for a few moments.

Image Capture Failed: Insufficient Contrast. The System replied. Please move to a darker place.

“...Huh.” Dad frowned. “Alright.”

He moved to the middle of his office, away from the back door, lit only by the house lighting and indirect sunlight, and tried again.

Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.

“What?” Dad asked the universe in general.

“Whuff.” Arwen warned him against sunk costs.

Dad ignored her and went into the bathroom, the natural habitat of the selfie. Surely, only being lit by a light fixture that hadn’t been changed since Dad was attempting to warn everyone about Regan would be suitably insufficient lighting for The System.  It took some negotiating, because that bathroom is “Standing Room Only” not “Standing And Holding Your Arms Out In Front Of You Room”.  He ended up taking the selfie in the shower stall.

As The System mulled over the latest attempt, Arwen shuffled over and kicked open the door to watch.

Image Capture Failed. Please Move to a Darker Place.

“Do you mean Spiritually?” Dad demanded.

“Whuff.” Arwen cautioned him again.

Determined to succeed, or at least get a different error message that may give him more information, Dad entered The Downstairs Guest Room.  It is the darkest room in the house, as it is in the basement, and only has one legally-mandated-fire-escape window, which has blinds.  Dad drew those blinds, turned off the lights and tried AGAIN.

Image Capture Failed. Please Move To A Darker Place.

“DO YOU WANT ME TO PHOTOGRAPH MYSELF INSIDE OF A CAVE??” Dad howled. 

“WHUFF!” Arwen reprimanded him from under the pull-out bed in the room. It’s where she attempts to herd everyone when it’s thundering outside, so the space is called her ‘Safety Cave’.

Dad frowned at the large blurry shape that was The Safety Cave.

“Why not?” he asked, the prelude to many a Terrible Plan.  With no small amount of spiteful and manic glee, Dad got down onto the floor, and army-crawled under the bed with Arwen to try One Last Time. Now in near-total darkness, he rolled on his side to be able to stretch his arms out, Arwen slobber-panting in his ear, and waited for the vague green blob of the Facial grid to appear.

This time, when he tapped the button, the flash cctivated.

“GOD DAMN IT!” Dad shouted, dropping the phone and rubbing his eyes and cursing to alleviate the pain of accidentally flash-banging himself. Arwen shuffled away from him under the bed, huffing sarcastically at him.

Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.

“MOTHERFU- hang on.” Dad squinted.  The System sounded strange. Distant and slightly muffled.

Dad squinted really hard, and saw the movement of Arwen crawling out from under the bed along the phone’s last known trajectory.

“ARWEN!” Dad shouted, awkwardly reverse-army crawling out from under the bed, using it to get to his feet and searching for his glasses, which had fallen out of his pocket under the bed, so by the time he was sighted again, Arwen had had ample time to remove The Offending Device.

He found her out in the middle of the back yard, the satisfied look of a Job Well Done on her face. She did not have the phone. 

“Arwen.” Dad glared. It’s a very good glare. Dad was a teacher for many years and used it to keep his class in order with sheer telepathically induced embarrassment, and his father once glared a peach tree into fecundity.  

Arwen regarded him with the casual interest a hurricane might regard a sailboat tumbling out of its wake. She is a force of nature unto herself and not about to be intimidated by a half-blind house ape.  She also has cataracts and might not be able to make out the glare.

“I GIVE UP!” Dad shouted, throwing his hands in the air and returning to the office to write to the IRS that their selfie software sucks ass. Pleased that she had gotten her desired result, Arwen followed him in.

To Dad’s immense surprise, the computer cheerfully informed him that his Federally Secure Selfie had been accepted, and that they had received and were now processing his return!

“What the FUCK?” Dad glared. “Oh well. If I’ve screwed it up, Larry can call me.”

---

I bring this up because recently, Dad received an interesting piece of mail.

It was a letter from the IRS, addressed to him, a nerve-wracking thing to recessive at the best of times.  Instead of a complaint about Dad’s Selfie Skills, it was a letter congratulating him on using the new ID.me System.  It thanked him for his help and expressed hopes he would use it again next year, and included the selfie that The System had finally decided to accept.

“You know, my dad used to complain about automation.” Dad sighed, staring at the image. “Incidentals my boy!  My secretary saves the state of California millions of dollars a year catching small errors before they become massive ones! He’d say. Fought the human resources board about her pay every year.  I used to think he was overestimating how bad machines were and underestimating human error, but you know? He was right.”

He handed me the image.

My father was, technically, in the image.  A significant amount of the bottom right corner is taken up by the top of his forehead and silver hair.  Most of the image, the part with the facial-recognition markers on it, was composed of Arwen’s Alarmed and Disgusted Doggy face.

“Oh no!” I cackled. “Crap, does this mean you have to call the IRS and tell them you’re not a dog?”

“Probably.” Dad sighed. “I know who I’m gonna bother first though.” he said, taking out his phone (Dad did find his phone a few hours after Arwen absconded with it when mom called and the early spinach started ringing). 

“Hey Larry!” Dad announced to the local federal agent. “You’re never gonna believe this. My dog filed my taxes!”

Larry considered this for a moment. “Is this the dog that stole my sandwich? Out of my locked  car?” he asked suspiciously.

“The very same.” Dad grinned.

“Hm. Clever Girl.” Federal Agent Larry sighed. “I figured it was only a matter of time before she got into tax fraud.”

---

I'm a disabled artist making my living writing these stories. If you enjoy my stories, please consider supporting me on Ko-fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Book on Patreon. Thank you!

[techninja]

The Role of AI and Machine Learning in Enhancing Diagnostic Accuracy

Digital Health: Transforming Modern Healthcare

Understanding Digital Health

Digital health signifies a groundbreaking convergence of technology with the healthcare sector. Utilizing digital tools, the medical field is undergoing a significant transformation in the way care is delivered, accessed, and managed. This shift encompasses telehealth, wearable technology, mobile health applications, and electronic health records (EHRs), all aimed at enhancing patient outcomes, increasing efficiency, and lowering costs.

Key Elements of Digital Health

Telehealth: Connecting Patients and Providers

Telehealth is a cornerstone of digital health, utilizing telecommunications technology to provide clinical services from a distance. This includes video consultations, remote monitoring, and virtual follow-ups. The advantages are substantial:

Accessibility: Quality healthcare reaches patients in remote or underserved areas without the need for travel.

Convenience: Reduces the necessity for in-person visits, saving time and resources.

Continuity of Care: Facilitates ongoing management of chronic conditions.

Wearable Technology: Real-Time Health Monitoring

Wearable technology such as fitness trackers, smartwatches, and biosensors play a critical role in monitoring various health metrics. These devices gather data on heart rate, physical activity, sleep patterns, and more, which is essential for:

Preventive Care: Detecting potential health issues early.

Personalized Treatment: Customizing treatments based on individual health data.

Patient Engagement: Encouraging proactive health management.

Mobile Health Applications: Health Management Simplified

Mobile health apps provide functionalities ranging from medication reminders to diet tracking and mental health support. They empower users with easy access to health information and management tools. Key benefits include:

Empowerment: Puts users in control of their health information and decisions.

Education: Offers access to valuable health resources and information.

Support: Facilitates communication with healthcare providers and support networks.

Electronic Health Records (EHRs): Consolidating Patient Information

EHRs are digital versions of patient charts and are fundamental to digital health. They offer comprehensive and accurate patient information accessible to authorized healthcare providers. The benefits include:

Care Coordination: Ensures all healthcare providers have access to the same information.

Accuracy: Reduces errors associated with manual record-keeping.

Efficiency: Streamlines workflows and enhances patient care management.

The Impact of Digital Health on Healthcare

Enhancing Patient Outcomes

Digital health technologies significantly improve patient outcomes. By enabling remote monitoring and early detection of health issues, these tools facilitate preventive care and timely interventions. Patients with chronic conditions benefit greatly from continuous monitoring and personalized treatment plans.

Boosting Healthcare Efficiency

The integration of digital health solutions enhances operational efficiency within healthcare systems. Telehealth, for instance, reduces the need for physical infrastructure, while EHRs streamline administrative processes, leading to cost savings and more efficient resource use.

Reducing Healthcare Costs

Innovations in digital health help reduce healthcare costs by minimizing in-person visits, decreasing hospital readmissions, and preventing the progression of chronic diseases through early intervention. Additionally, automated systems and telehealth services lessen the burden on healthcare providers, leading to more cost-effective care delivery.

Challenges and Solutions in Digital Health Adoption

Ensuring Data Privacy and Security

A primary concern in digital health is the privacy and security of patient data. Healthcare providers must ensure that digital systems comply with regulations such as HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) and employ robust cybersecurity measures to protect sensitive information.

Achieving Integration and Interoperability

Integrating digital health technologies into existing healthcare systems can be challenging. Ensuring interoperability between various digital tools and traditional systems is crucial for seamless data sharing and efficient care coordination. Solutions include adopting standardized protocols and investing in interoperable systems.

Promoting User Adoption and Training

Effective use of digital health technologies requires that both healthcare providers and patients are willing and able to use them. Comprehensive training and support systems are necessary to ensure users are comfortable and proficient with new technologies. Educational initiatives and user-friendly interfaces can significantly improve adoption rates.

The Future of Digital Health

The future of digital health looks promising, with ongoing advancements in artificial intelligence (AI), machine learning, and blockchain technology set to further revolutionize healthcare. AI and machine learning can enhance diagnostic accuracy and treatment personalization, while blockchain technology can ensure secure and transparent health data management.

Artificial Intelligence and Machine Learning

AI and machine learning algorithms can analyze vast amounts of data to identify patterns and predict health outcomes, leading to more accurate diagnoses and personalized treatment plans. These technologies have the potential to revolutionize areas such as radiology, pathology, and drug discovery.

Blockchain Technology

Blockchain offers a decentralized and secure method for managing health records, ensuring data integrity and privacy. By providing a transparent ledger of all transactions, blockchain can prevent data breaches and enhance trust in digital health systems.

Conclusion

Digital health is reshaping the healthcare landscape, offering unprecedented opportunities to improve patient care, enhance efficiency, and reduce costs. As technology continues to evolve, the integration of digital tools in healthcare will become increasingly essential. Embracing these innovations requires overcoming challenges related to data security, system integration, and user adoption. However, the potential benefits make it a worthwhile endeavor, promising a future where healthcare is more accessible, efficient, and personalized.

[ckvisiontechnology]

In Search of a High-Quality 0.3mp SPI Camera Module for Security Systems? Here is a Solution for You!

A high-quality 0.3mp SPI camera module is built using top-notch materials. CK Vision’s camera module manufacturer creates a long-lasting device that provides sharp and clear images during video conferencing and other machine visions. CK Vision offers a variety of modules. You can get the best modules here.

visit website : https://www.cameramanufacturer.com/

[futureelectronic1527]

NXP: What is IEC 62443 for Industrial Cyber Security?

https://www.futureelectronics.com/m/nxp . IEC 62443 defines requirements and processes for implementing and maintaining electronically secure industrial automation and control systems. NXP provides a broad portfolio for a wide range of protection. Depending on your application, you can choose from SoCs with integrated security capabilities, ready-to-use secure elements or a combination of both. https://youtu.be/4kY_vnh3b8A

[futureelctronic1174]

NXP: What is IEC 62443 for Industrial Cyber Security?

https://www.futureelectronics.com/m/nxp . IEC 62443 defines requirements and processes for implementing and maintaining electronically secure industrial automation and control systems. NXP provides a broad portfolio for a wide range of protection. Depending on your application, you can choose from SoCs with integrated security capabilities, ready-to-use secure elements or a combination of both. https://youtu.be/4kY_vnh3b8A

[seat-safety-switch]

When we were kids, we didn't have access to cool power tools. Every summer, when the soapbox derby race was coming, we'd break into my neighbour's garage while he was at work. Then, we'd use his drill press, lathe, table saw, all the fun tools. Over the course of a week, a race car was produced, which is more than the workshop ever made during the rest of the year.

Sure, we could have asked him if we could have borrowed his tools, but no doubt he would want to be there to supervise. And then he'd want to help. We'd never get done while we were busy indulging the suburb-tinged fantasies of someone who didn't take wood shop and chose instead to idly worship at the altar of Television Presents: The Fantasy of Bob Vila in adulthood.

One year, Old Man Garrett got a security system. Probably this was because Ted (fucking Ted) didn't clean up the sawdust that one time like we asked him to. The old man must have seen the footprint, and realized that he did not wear size-seven Nikes. Child thieves, casing his precious table saw! Now, our humble breaking-and-entering had become significantly more difficult than "reach a coat hanger under the door and pull the emergency release."

With the help of some of the high-school kids who were taking electronics class, we managed to defeat the security system. We did so using an ancient Japanese technique known as "distract Old Man Garrett while he's setting it, and then cut the wires to the panel." I think it loses something in translation, but you get the gist of it. That year's car was especially sweet.

In adulthood, I got drunk and bragged to some work buddies about our little scam. They responded in abject horror, because I was still occupying the weird hump in the middle of a normal distribution of "acceptable crimes." It was terrifying to them to see one of their own, one of the suburbanites, speak openly about largely-harmless property crimes. What if we had been hurt, they shrieked. Around the water cooler, I would become a pariah, unless I could make amends.

I did hunt down Old Man Garrett after that, still feeling the sting of rejection. He was still on the property, and he still had a beautiful collection of immaculate cabinet-making tools in the garage. I rang his doorbell and, when he answered, I told him the whole story. He laughed.

"I knew it was you dumb shits from the beginning," he bragged. "Fucking Ted -"

"Fucking Ted," I echoed, unconsciously.

"Fucking Ted left his library book on building race cars behind on the workbench that first year. You didn't let him drive, did you?"

I shook my head. "We ran the car into him if the hockey-stick brakes ever failed."

We had a good laugh about the whole thing that evening, and I returned to work with my soul cleansed. It's just a pity Ted didn't know how bad he actually was at crime, before he tried to knock over that liquor store and all.

[smartsafetyindia]

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[ironmengatesdoorsdesign]

Types Of Automatic Gates And Also Which One Is Right For You

In the world of house protection and ease, automated gateways have actually ended up being a principal. These highly advanced systems not just give an included layer of defense to homes however additionally add significantly to the visual worth, making them an extremely popular enhancement in modern houses.

Automatic entrances come in a selection of styles and also devices, each offering distinct attributes and benefits. Thus, it ends up being important for possible purchasers to be proficient with these types in order to make a notified selection that best matches their needs.

This short article ventures to look into the globe of automatic entrance systems, presenting an exhaustive exploration of different kinds offered today. The objective is not simply to state the different kinds however additionally help viewers in discerning which one could be best for their specific demands. Whether taking into consideration aspects such as design charm, operational ease or safety and security level, this exposition offers comprehensive insights that aim at helping with decision-making processes in the direction of selecting one of the most ideal electronic entry system for one's residential property.

Selecting the very best Electronic Access System for Your Property

Picking the optimal digital entrance system for one's building relies upon a careful equilibrium of safety and security and also comfort much akin to striking the best chord in a harmony; equally as way too many or as well couple of notes can interfere with consistency, an extremely complicated or insufficiently safe system can cause unnecessary disturbances.

A myriad of elements need to be thought about when making this important decision, consisting of the size as well as format of the residential or commercial property, its place, existing safety procedures, spending plan constraints, as well as individual preferences pertaining to technology use. An educated selection will make sure that not just does the picked system offer robust defense against unauthorised access but it also seamlessly incorporates into daily routines without causing added headache.

Different sorts of automated gates function in a different way: gliding gates are excellent for buildings with restricted room while swing gateways create an even more conventional visual appeal. For services seeking to regulate vehicular accessibility, obstacle arm gateways supply an effective solution whereas vertical pivot or lift gates work outstandingly in high website traffic areas as a result of their quick procedure. Bi-folding entrances with rapid open/close cycle times could offer well where rate is vital like airports or emergency solutions.

Each type includes special advantages and also prospective disadvantages; comprehending these distinctions is essential to making an astute choice that matches private demands flawlessly. Eventually, selecting an electronic entrance system is about joining a neighborhood committed to security and also ease-of-use-- it's about belonging someplace risk-free amid growing worldwide unpredictabilities.

[gallusrostromegalus]

The Van Has Officially Declared It Spooky Season

---

I've got my parent's van for the week and it seems determined to establish my status as The Local Cryptid by terrorizing an innocent 7-11 clerk.

...I might need to back up a bit.

My mother is an eminently sensible woman who knows herself well, and when The Plauge hit, she knew she'd need some sort of mentally and physically engaging craft project to keep herself from going insane and massacring the local zoning and water management boards (even if they have it coming). So she and Dad acquired a utility van and converted it into a camper van because while they love camping, they're past the age where their joints and immune systems will tolerate sleeping on the cold ground in a nylon tent.

They did a terrific job of it and my mom taught herself woodworking and carpentry and now the van has it's own cabinets, fold-away dining table, and removable queen-sized bed with memory foam mattress. My Dad was already a computer engineer, but he learned the dark magics of automotive software and electronics to install after-market backup cameras, a media player that would take a terabyte hard drive and a solar-powered battery and outlet so they could wake up and just turn on the kettle and griddle for breakfast without having to exit the van into a cold morning on an empty stomach.

Truly, the height of Camping Luxury.

My parents are both in their mid-seventies and my primary life goal is to be at least half as cool and hale as they are when I get old.

Anyway, they take it out at least a dozen times a year and it works fabulously, but, being as I am on good terms with my parents and also finishing the process of moving house, I've been borrowing it to move large and cumbersome objects that will not fit in the back of my equally lovely but minuscule Honda hatchback.

It's a Great Van. Very easy and comfortable to drive. Stunningly good MPG for it's size. The best cruise control I've ever had in a car.

It's just also. Quirky. Mischievous, even.

---

If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.

It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.

My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.

On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.

Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.

---

As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.

The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along. Sometimes, they fight for Dominance. The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.

Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.

I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song- The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors -is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.

You all know this song already.

...but in case you've forgotten the tune:

Yeah.

The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.

It does not play this song at a normal volume.

Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.

Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.

...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.

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So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.

It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening. I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window. My feet are up. There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv. -But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage, including, among other valuable possessions, the keys to her car. ...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.

There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.

Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.

Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.

I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.

The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.

It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.

I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic. It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.

While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.

Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.

I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.

I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.

Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.

It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.

I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.

The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.

We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.

I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.

The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.

I look down at myself.

In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:

Flip Flops. Not matching. It's below freezing outside. That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.

Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time. It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.

The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.

A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal. It is also Bright Red. with black accents.

The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.

The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.

My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge. It is ALSO bright red.

A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.

The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.

I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:

The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.

This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes. So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.

The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.

I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.

"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"

The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.

$6.66

"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.

I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.

It also turns on the music player.

I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.

Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.

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