#FindingSupport

[thejourneyofastrangerlife]

Still Searching for Guidance

Do people really need guidance in life?

It’s something I’ve been wondering about for as long as I can remember. Even now, after marriage, that question hasn't left me. I don’t mean guidance as in someone making decisions for me—but someone I can rely on. Not to carry my burdens, but to be there. To support me. To connect with me on a deeper level.

And maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling lost. Because I thought I found that person in my husband, but most days I feel like I’m walking this road alone.

He calls it "tough love," but I still don’t quite understand what that means. I've spent my entire life learning how to stand on my own. My dad was hardly around while I was growing up, always busy. My mom too, always juggling responsibilities. I was left behind in the chaos — trusted with cooking, caring for my younger siblings, picking them up from school, and putting my own needs second. I became strong because I had no other choice.

And I thought marriage would be the place where I could finally lean on someone. Where I could stop being strong all the time. Where someone would hold me and say, "It’s okay, I got you." But instead, I keep hearing, "You do you, I do me."

I remember the first time I talked to my husband. I admired him so much. He told me about his struggles — how he moved to a foreign country, worked while studying, stayed focused, and achieved his goals. He told me he never had time for relationships because he was too determined to succeed. It made me respect him even more.

But on the night of our wedding, that admiration shattered.

While scrolling through his phone to look for our photos, I stumbled on archived messages. Out of curiosity, I opened them. My whole body froze. It was like I could feel my heart breaking in real-time. They were messages from his ex-girlfriend — someone he had been with for almost eight years. The same man who told me he never had a serious relationship was still talking to her — even a week before our wedding.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I just sat there, numb, waiting for morning. I left the message open, and when he finally woke up and saw it, his face changed. I didn’t even need to say anything. I just waited for him to explain.

He called it a mistake. Said it was “just online stuff.” That she was just a “nobody.” That women imagine things. That it was all in her head.

But I knew better. She was the first love of his life. And maybe he still loved her — I don’t know. But what hurt most wasn’t the past. It was the lies. The cover-ups. The fact that he couldn’t just be honest with me.

I had always been open with him. I told him about my past. I thought we were building something based on truth. But maybe that was just me. Maybe, to him, I was simply a box to check — someone to marry who could help his mother around the house. Everything else? Optional.

When I struggle, mentally or emotionally, I carry it alone. If I have an issue with his mother, it’s “my problem, I deal with it.” If I break down, I’m “too sensitive.” It doesn’t feel like a marriage. It feels like two people living separate lives under the same roof.

And I’m left still wondering: Do people really need guidance? Or do we just need someone to walk beside us... and not walk away? "Maybe we don’t need someone to fix everything—just someone who won’t walk away when everything feels broken."

[ojamesouma]

They say a picture speaks more than a thousand words. How many does this speak? #LifesongKenya #RestorativeJustice #REAMProgram #findingsupport https://www.instagram.com/p/BvzhV1UgFmQ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=hcg8vt5jm1s7