#Got pretty hectic past few days as I was out with irls | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

purplesurveys · 4 years

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What internet browser do you use? Chrome. It’s what I’m used to, but I also think it looks the cleanest among the other available browsers.

What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) I never reach for imported water brands like Evian because what is the point?? The local bottled water brands we have like Summit and Absolute work fine and already do a great job of quenching my thirst.

Do you have a job? Yes and I go back tomorrow and I’m cringing thinking about it. I love my job, but I wish it wasn’t so mercilessly hectic for 9 straight hours, 5 days a week. I like to think that I was hired right at the start of all the simultaneous Christmas campaigns of our clients which is why everything seemed busy; so I’m hoping the workload will start to die down a little bit now that all the holidays are over.

Are you full-time or part-time? Full-time.

Are you watching TV right now? Nope. I was watching on YouTube earlier, but I decided to focus on this.

Or are you listening to music? No. It’s silent here in the living room, just the way I want it to currently be.

Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? I don’t think that’s enough money for a dare that big.

When's your birthday? April 21st.

Thoughts on kids? I’m a lot less idealistic about them now. I used to want kids with my only formula being “I’ll do the exact opposite of what my mom did with me.” but I realized it’s so much more complicated than that. Raising a kid/kids is a whole damn job in itself and I see that with how my cousins of the same age, but from different families, have been acting. My cousins from one family are really spoiled and entitled, and I can’t last in a room with them for more than a minute; but my cousins in another family are so ridiculously well-behaved I can’t even start to fathom how respectful and kind they are. That observation has scared me away from kids in the meantime, because I still have to figure out how to not fuck such a responsibility up.

Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents? The worst thing they ever did was take away my laptop privileges for an indefinite period when I was 11, when they caught me being a dumbass on social media and cursing all over the place. It’s a reasonable punishment per se, but that was also a time when the internet was starting to become a resource and requirement for homework and school projects; so my parents didn’t know how many things I failed to submit because they didn’t allow me on the internet.

Are you the type who is completely against abortion? I am pro-choice and pro-pregnant people should be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies. I don’t like the idea of abortion, but I’ve always believed people should have access to resources to learn more about it, to a healthy culture that embraces it as an option, and to actual facilities that will enable them to receive one if the need be.

Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? No, I don’t think so. Not yet at least.

Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? Peonies don’t mean anything in particular. I just think they look pretty.

What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered? I can’t imagine dogs ever getting endangered, but hypothetically I’d be crushed. I’d do the same thing I would do with other endangered animals, which is to spread the word about their situation and what can be done to save them from getting even fewer in number.

Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No. I never cared for makeup. I’m turning 23 and still don’t feel the need to invest in it...should I be worried?

Do you own a tripod for your camera? We used to, but I have not seen it in a long time.

Are your nails always painted? They never are.

What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. < This was true for me too, at least for a time. Another one would be the barbecue that my uncle bought for a family gathering once that was definitely contaminated with something...shit gave me food poisoning at 3 AM and made me think my half-naked self was going to die right then and there in the bathroom.

Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? We only ever decorate for Christmas, so I guess it wins by default.

Were you popular in school? By the second half of high school I was hanging out with the popular groups and getting invited to popular kid things, but I never wanted to claim to be popular myself. I still liked letting my friends take the spotlight.

Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion? Is there something you intend to buy in the near future? Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have? What's the screensaver on your computer? Crossing these out as I believe this survey is a shuffle of questions from many different surveys...? and I have already answered these five in a past survey I recently finished.

What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I don’t really care for guys, I think... I still haven’t made up my mind about them yet, but all I know is I definitely have not felt seriously attracted to any irl man my whole life.

What’s the sexiest thing about a girl? THIGHS

Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021? Who was the last person to send you a message on social media? ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown? Have you smiled at any point during the last hour? What was the last thing you consulted Google for? So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? When was the last time you were on a carousel? What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? Have you ever played Halo? Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine? When was the last time you had a pillow fight? Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: In your own words, define what the word sexy means. What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live? Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? Are you any good at volleyball? Have you ever had a water balloon fight? Same situation as above. What an interesting order of questions, hehe. Still having fun with this though!

Do you think some babies are ugly? Newborns are super wrinkly and make the strangest facial expressions from time to time. That won’t stop me from cooing at them, though.

Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I’ve never been there. Is it like a standard birthday party events place for kids?

Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? In time, maybe.

Do you love stuff-crusted pizza? Yessssss.

Do you apply lotion after you bathe? I don’t, but I should probably pick it up as a habit seeing how dry my skin can get.

What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. < Same!

Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Gabie.

Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? I’ve never even posted a video on YouTube.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? Not my spot of choice, so maybe not.

Do you like Robert Frost poems? I’m only familiar with one and I’m having a little trouble remembering it rn haha.

Do you go to church every Sunday? We used to go to church, yeah; back when it was okay to. Our local church has allowed face-to-face masses again (but with very limited attendees) but my mom has preferred for us to stay home, so for the last few months we’ve been watching livestreams of Sunday mass every week.

Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year? I would say Gab and I were on-and-off, but it went on a lot longer than a year. The total time would amount to six years.

If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. Or modeling, if I could only pull it off.

What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? I seriously don’t care. I skip out on bras all the time because I honestly personally don’t need them, and everyone should be allowed to feel and act the same way.

What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I never do this. Even before Covid, I’ve felt iffy about trying clothes that many others have already put on and were probably not washed 100% well. I’d rather get something, try it on at home, decide if it’s a good fit or not, and then return it ASAP if it ends up being the latter.

Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes? My mom doesn’t knock so I’ve always been scared to try sleeping naked (and she also throws a fit if she catches me locking my door, which is like - then why did you even buy a doorknob with a lock??), but I definitely see the appeal.

Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? Yes for the more part lmao, but I don’t know if I’ve ever made out in a dream.

Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before? Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve? What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it? Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way?

Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? Through choice. Waste management is sadly not much of a priority here, if at all.

Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day? I have never tried the latter two. Water has always been tasteless and plain to me, and I never understood the point of customizing something that’s meant to be tasteless and uncarbonated. There are days where I’m able to have several glasses and other days where I unconsciously skip out on water until dinner.

Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? Fortunately I’ve never had to call any of these.

When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? I wasssssss maybe having something printed? If it wasn’t that, I was probably returning a book.

Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? None of that here, especially since I live in the city. A sighting of a wild animal outside of a zoo or eco-park would definitely make national news, like that time an ostrich was seen running around a private village many months ago.

Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? Yep, from a dengue scare that turned out to be just a simple low platelet count.

Have you ever experienced a panic attack? Yes, but they are extremely rare. The last time I had one was maybe two or three years ago. Unfortunately I think all my panic attacks were caused by and involved my mom.

Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID? For a time, when I was hating journalism in college, I was daydreaming about the idea of shifting to biology and making the drastic swerve to med school. But I knew a love of memorizing and biology topics won’t be enough for me to be successful in the medical field, so I quickly shot the idea down.

Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? People are definitely following and have been obedient with protocol in different places. Some cities are also still strict with maintaining their checkpoints and banning tourists from entering their area just yet. It’s the government that hasn’t really been making the effort to put measures to contain the virus.

Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree? Artificial. I don’t know if getting real trees for Christmas trees is a thing here.

What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn? Cheddar cheese.

Do you drink oat milk? Nopes. I’d like to try it just to say that I have (and I might end up loving it too), but I have yet to look up what foods or drinks it works best with.

Do you love thrifting? Sure, sometimes I get good finds from it.

Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic? Sometimes I’ll use it in a Powerpoint or a tweet, but I wouldn’t say it’s an aesthetic that defines me as a person.

Do you say “mood?” Too much.

Do you own fairy lights? No. I wanted those before, but I’m not so sure if I still do now.

Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? I don’t own glass straws. Most places have changed their cups into a design that you can sip directly from, anyway.

Have you made a TikTok? No, don’t care.

Do you own airpods? No, but would like a pair.

Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I really don’t care.

Do you make life choices based on astrology? No, I don’t believe in it. It scares me how much some people rely on it and use it as an actual moral compass or judgment system. It doesn’t harm anyone so I never actively speak out against astrology, but it scares me nonetheless.

How many pairs of converse shoes do you own? One pair. I used to own another one, but my mom threw it out several years ago.

Number of jeans in your closet: I would say like 10-12.

What accent do you have? Philippine English/Americanized Filipino, I guess.

Do you have a big butt? I’d say it’s decently-sized.

Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? Yeah, before.

Have you graduated? Both high school and college, yup.

Rihanna or Lady GaGa? I like Rihanna’s music more, but I love Gaga’s outfits, concepts, and stage presence more. Do you use fake eyelashes? No. I had to use them twice, but I’d never seek them out on my own.

Which was the last book that really captivated you? It’s been a while since I encountered a book like this.

What makeup brands do you use? I don’t use makeup.

#survey #surveys

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himboholhorse-moving · 5 years

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1 2 4 7 8 9 13 18 20 26 27 29 30 32 39 40 41 43/44 45 46 49 51 53 55 56 57 59 63 65 that is. so many dghsdghsdgv I'm sorry I just see an ask meme and go crazy aaaa go stupid aaaa. You can just answer whichever u like from those!! also 69(nice): you seem rly nice and funny from your 🅱️osts and I appreciate u... I hope you can find better irl friends who aren't trash

HDSKFJKS I completely understand but lucky for u I LOVE to talk !!

1) How are you?

Pretty good, actually!! Which is a nice change of pace. I went to Walmart with some friends yesterday and got a few things, baked a family recipe that my friends LOVE, and finally did my laundry (it’s been a couple weeks we love depression and executive dysfunction dfhkjsfd). I went to Cracker Barrel with some friends and earlier and played a 4-way game of Tetris after. :3c

2) Post a picture of yourself.

Here you go !!

4) What is your entire name?

Sierra Alexis and my last name is something constantly misspelled so I’ll give you the name of a historical figure whose name is a letter off from mine: George B. McClellan, to whom I may or may not be related because last name variations are fuckin’ WEIRD.

7) Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality.

I’m a Capricorn sun and moon, and Libra rising !! And from what I’ve read on Twitter from various astrologers, like Milkstrology, I LOVE her, I’d say it’s pretty accurate with my personality!! I like to say Capricorn’s aren’t cold bitches but, I Have A Tendency To Be One !!

8) What did you do on your last birthday?

God what DID I do on my last birthday… it was in January, so like, I SHOULD remember… OH I went to IHOP with my friends !! I share a birthday with another friend and I got a JoJo notebook and something called a Fuggler! They’re stuffed animals more or less but designed to be “ugly.” I got one that looks like Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty because I LOVE Gritty… he’s so fun and funky.

9) What is one thing you’d like to accomplish before your next birthday?

Get all my requests in my inbox over on my writing blog done KJHFDJKSF it’s been a few months and life has been. Hectic to say the least.

13) If you could change your eye color, would you?

There’s so much weird as hell brown-eye-phobia so like… I think blue eyes would be pretty neat. OR PURPLE… give me some unnatural eye colors pls...

18) Do you have any tattoos?

Not yet!! I’m going to get one the next time I go back home for break. :3c And I have a few ideas for other ones!! I wanna get a big-ass “Dragon Age: Origins” tattoo that’s the dragon on the cover on my thigh. I also wanna get a DA2 and “Inquisition” tattoo… and the Joestar birthmark… too many ideas…

20) Left or right handed?

Right-handed !! I could have been left-handed or ambidextrous if I broke my arm AFTER I started kindergarten, but alas that was before.

26) Something you are working on right now:

This !! But also the script for my next podcast episode that I record on uhhh Monday I think. Should probably figure that one out dsjfjhsf

27) Do you have any “rules” about food?

I answered that in the last ask !!

29) What would you say is your best quality?

I also answered this in the last ask !!

30) What do you think you’re really good at?

Writing, I’d say! And memorizing trivia about the stuff I’m super into. If it’s stuff pertaining to “M*A*S*H” or old movies or TV shows or actors or specific historical events, I will know that shit FOR LIFE. Don’t ask me to do math pls thank u

32) What talent do you wish you’d been born with?

I wish I was able to do stuff with music. That was never really in my blood, despite all the music classes they make you take in elementary school. I just never learned how to memorize or read sheet music. :/ I would have loved to play violin, tho… my friend plays and she says I would have been a good cellist.

39) Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?

YES… have for years. I still have my Care Bear from when I was 5, Gritty as mentioned above, a plush of my school’s mascot, and a little Fugo !! He’s so tiny.

40) What do you think about the most?

Everything and constantly and all at once. But the past really because I can never let stuff go and even the small things I mess up on haunt me forever… Wish that wasn’t the case but it is !!

41) Share two habits:

Biting my nails and having a very specific routine in which I get ready when I wake up. Like, I’ve gotta go brush my hair before I put my important cards in my left pocket, then put on my silver bracelet, then my beaded bracelet, then my earbuds in my right pocket, then put my earrings in. I HAVE to do it in that order…

And other oddities that include, like, if I need to go around something I HAVE to follow the urge to go one way and not the other, lest I feel the need to go back and fix it. And then which foot goes first before I reach a crack in the sidewalk, or up or down a curb, etc.

43) What are your career goals?

If I can just make people happy or get some kind of joy out of the things I do, I’d call that enough. :)

44) What is your ideal career?

Mmm, either a film historian or a film professor !! Preferably at the college I’m at right now but wherever the wind takes me, I’ll go! Or a Twitch streamer or YouTuber, it really depends on my mood jdhfjskf

45) Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

It was pretty much the same !! Freshman year was pretty lively, I didn’t have a job on campus yet though, or my podcast. Everything else is basically the same!

46) Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

CONSTANTLY… good or bad it’ll play back over and over and over again.

49) Do you have any phobias?

HOO BOY, DO I… fear of heights; fear of insects/bugs/arachnids/bees/wasps; I have a strong dislike of the number 13 but I don’t know if it’s a phobia, I just. REALLY hate it; the unknown, more or less what lurks somewhere beyond where I can see. Not so much a fear of the dark with that one, just what could BE in it.

51) Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?

I answered this in my last ask, as well!

53) Ever come close to death?

Two or three times, maybe? Two of them involved what’s called a laryngospasm, typically it can happen when your sick, which is what happened to me both times. Basically your throat just closes up on your for a hot minute and you can’t breathe. The first time I genuinely thought I was going to die (and my dad still sent me to school that day… HOE), the second time I was also sick and was losing/had lost my voice DURING A JOB RETREAT and it happened in the middle of the night so that was funny sitting there gasping for breath in the pitch dark.

At the FIRST retreat I went on for that job, you had to take pictures as part of a scavenger hunt, and the place used to be an old military fort, so there were still the old bunkers there. We had to take one on top of it and I was taking the picture, and it’s a wide shot so I go to take a step back but before I do I look behind me. If I hadn’t I would have fallen a good 10-15 feet down onto solid Civil War-era bunker concrete. I’d consider that being a “close to death” moment because I really could have died!

55) A random fact about yourself:

I have a half-brother !! My sis and I finally found him after her 23andMe results came back (which she decided to do despite us being like THE GOVERNMENT WILL COLLECT OUR DATA) and we didn’t think our mom would be happy she found him but she was !! My sis might reach out and contact him, she just wanted our mom’s permission first to do it.

56) What are three things most people don’t know about you?

Well, that I have a half-brother. I don’t mention it a lot. Aside from y’all on here and my sister, most everyone else doesn’t know I’m nonbinary! Everyone else knows I’m bi though lmao. And that there were times I’d stretch or bend the truth or lie about something just to impress someone else. It’s a… Bad Habit. Another thing is that most people don’t know I like coffee? Like I need to put a shit ton of creamer in with it because I’m a Bitch, but yeah.

57) An unknown fact about your life:

I wouldn’t call this an “unknown” fact but I’d used to go to work with my dad every now and again when he worked at the Home Depot and he was assistant manager. I’d either chill in the back room which was an office he shared with two other guys, or walk around the store with him. I had my own apron, too, which was my name with “Mini Mac” next to it, “Mac” being my dad’s nickname and something easier to say than my last name. I actually helped a few customers out so I wonder if I should have gotten paid for that despite being like, ages 9-13 when I’d go jshfkjd

And I guess I technically tested video games as a kid? Basically, when my dad was stationed at Fort Knox, they’d get demos of video games that hadn’t come out yet to test I suppose? and I still have a few somewhere. He’d hand them off to me and I’d play them so there’s that.

59) Five weird things that you like:

Eating globs of wasabi for no reason.

Scaring my friends also for no reason.

I wouldn’t say using cotton swabs to get wax out of your ears because it feels good is weird, just more medically inadvisable if anything.

When I was younger I’d like to floss really hard because the slight pain from it felt good. Young me was a #Freaque KJHDFJJDHF

I don’t know if being fond of alphabetizing and reorganizing things is considered weird but I LOVE doing that.

63) A quote you try to live by:

“It matters not how strait the gate, / How charged with punishments the scroll; / I am the master of my fate: / I am the captain of my soul.” It’s from the poem “Invictus” and the last two lines are what I’m getting tattooed !!

65) Weird things you do when you’re alone:

Practice the “Lucky Star” dance. I GOT THE LYRICS DOWN… JUST NEED TO DO THE DANCE NOW…

69) Leave me a compliment:

“you seem rly nice and funny from your 🅱️osts and I appreciate u... I hope you can find better irl friends who aren't trash”

Anon pls 🥺 I do my best to be nice but my friend really do test me sometimes... my feelings bounce back n forth like if they do something my feelings can switch to angry or like, hate, and then if they do something nice I’ll like them again. It sucks but ! I just take it one day at a time. Anon I care for u 💜💜💜

#anonymous #asks #ask games #I love u anon 💜 thank u for letting me just Talk jdhsksjf #Anonymous

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aquarianlights · 7 years

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Are you okay? I wish I could be there for you to help you more, if you need anything please let me know

Idk if this is someone I know or not (I private messaged you about that coz I have a friend who is constantly changing his unsername and this would be a VERY appropriate icon and username for him), but nonetheless.........

I really, REALLY appreciate this message.

I haven’t been drunk in years, I believe. I get tipsy every now and then. But never drunk. Alcohol isn’t something I enjoy. At all.

Anyone who takes psych medications knows exactly why and I won’t have to explain that.

Nonetheless, I did. And it was, of course, terrible. Due to psych meds. Again, anyone who takes them knows why. But everything before that was.... a nice flashback to when I was a stupid kid and a stupid alcoholic.

And it turned me into a mess of emotions which...I am not an emotional guy usually. I USED to be. I mean, hell, look at ANYTHING on my blog prior to...oh, say, 5 months ago? Maybe 4? Maybe 6? I’m not sure how long it’s been, but. Nonetheless.. Anything that is not associated with the name Killian and is not associated with the name Killian AFTER I got my full diagnosis on this blog.....you will CLEARLY see I was initially a robot/Vulcan with NO emotions that sprung into a little emo boy with a INFLUX of emotions who just... spiraled into what borderline personality disorder really is...and fell into the category of the extreme outlier of BPD like I was meant to be all along and like I have learned to live happily with and like I have learned how to deal with.

I don’t normally just....Idk.

But these past three days, now 4, have just..... I mean, man. I told my irl friends that if I got to the point of relapsing where it became a problem again...or if anyone say ANYTHING becoming a problem again....to PLEASE hold an intervention for me and that I would NEVER react like I did in the past to everyone who tried over and over to give me drug and alcohol and self harm and suicidal related interventions. It always went terribly because I was a brat and thought I knew better and had anger issues that I didn’t know I had.

Well, I told them in full detail that I would, for the first time in my life, be receptive to what they had to say, whether it be in person, in a video chat, in a group chat, via letters, emails...whatever... But that if it got to a point where I was out of control, that I needed help. And I trusted them to know the signs before I did because they ALWAYS have.

Maybe my catastrophic thinking is getting in the way and I’m just being paranoid? Maybe it’s not a problem.

Or maybe I really have pushed my pretty expansive circle of good and best friends so far away that they only care and throw me a bone of hope when I’m literally on the verge of dying.

I always have to either be dying or already dead for them to care and throw me that bone of hope. That’s been proven with them. Normally, I’d have cut people like that out in 2 seconds flat. No questions asked. But this isn’t...normal for the people I’m referring to. Certain people I did cut out in 2 seconds flat like BYE. But the others.... it isn’t normal and I know there are certain major things happening and we are ALL at a very pivotal point in life..... but that doesn’t mean you just abandon your packmates. Your long distance ones, your fremily, or your new packmates. Your packmates are bonded for life, even if they leave your life, and you do not just cut them out and if they are doing the things they are doing...there is a reason for it and I will not cut them out until I hear an explanation as to why, whether it be a reason, an excuse with a justification, an excuse by itself, or an “I don’t have any excuse or reason or justification for why I’ve been neglecting you”. I just need to know WHY before I cut them out. And depending on what they say...they may not get cut. I mean, if it’s anything other than what I, personally, deem as a reason (other than one person who has the privilege of having ANY of the things I listed after and I would wholeheartedly respect any of those answers if he gave them to me, which I know he straight up would as he never lies to me and never would), you’ll be cut out. If you can convince me it is a reason, then okay. If I don’t see it as a reason and I want you to convince me it is a reason and you say you don’t feel like it and it’s not worth your time, then I damn well know it’s NOT a reason and that cutting you out is definitely the right choice.

But cutting any one of them out would hurt like hell. But I will not do it without hearing an explanation first, because they are all packmates. And when you’re a part of the pack, you do not get cut off by the pack. But I will come to your house, if you are long distance from me, and personally rip your pack mate necklace from your neck. If you are no longer a part of our pack. Because our code is if someone is wearing the pack necklace...we know we can trust them.

And I want to implement something further with the necklaces (as I have multiple packs so multiple necklaces) to where if one of us is in danger or need to send a message, they can send someone with one of our pack necklaces or a picture of the necklace and we won’t say a word and keep the secrecy until they show us the necklace without saying a word themselves and we will all silently know what it means. If they start to ramble about what it means, then we automatically know they’re faking and they have done something to our packmate...and we seek vengeance.

It sounds like a cult or a gang. But it’s not.

The way you become a pack member is just....by trust. And not in a gang or cult way. It’s literally just.... all of us in said pack (whichever pack) somehow come to meet you (usually and hopefully separately) and somehow we end up mentioning your name to another pack member and the other pack member goes “Oh hey I just met x the other day! They seem really cool. You met them, too???” and I go “Yeah! I met them the other week! We talked about blah blah blah....” And then suddenly another pack mate comes home and is doing dishes in another room and hears their name and goes “Wait...are you talking about x? I know that person.” “Wait what? How?”

And then after a few months, suddenly the whole pack knows them...and suddenly they start to join the group...suddenly we all start hanging out...and we start to get tight.... and we all (INDIVIDUALLY) assess whether they can be trusted or not. And it doesn’t take just months or whatever to join our packs. It takes literal like...YEARS of trust building. And it’s simple...y’know... actions, verbal....just hanging out, in groups, individually, relationships developing, etc etc etc.... and then one night suddenly the pack is talking and someone brings up, a year or so later, “Hey.... you guys think we should invite x into the pack?” We all grab our pack necklaces around our chest where the emblems hang. All look at each and shrug. “Sure. I mean. We can certainly sit em down and tell em about us and our values and what our pack means to us and how they can be a part of us if they want to and we can get them a necklace.”

It just....happens. Randomly. And there’s no real ceremony or anything. There’s no....ACTUAL pecking order but there is a little bit of a hierarchy in one of my packs. It’s basically just a bunch of us as friends just KNOWING that we can rely on each other and trust each other with our lives and love each other unconditionally and talk to each other about anything at any time and basically just... protect each other and stand up for each other BUT ALSO tell each other when the other is being stupid and correct bad behaviours and just....

THE PACK IS TO CREATE A COMPLETELY SUPPORTIVE, 100% PURELY POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT THAT SUPPORTS EVERYONE’S DREAMS, GOALS, ASPIRATIONS...AND EVERYONE IN THE PACK DOES EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO HELP EVERYONE ELSE IN THE PACK ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS NO MATTER WHAT. That is mainly what our pack is for. The necklaces just help us have.... long distance... coz we’re away from each other a lot coz of hectic schedules. Me and another one of us especially. And ESPECIALLY with my long distance packmates. So we can wear them and touch them at any time and always be connected.

And I really want to suggest that method of using the necklace as a symbol of sending a messenger or an outsider to other pack members to tell them that they can trust said person with any information they have to give and that everything they say and do is legitimate and verbatim to what whoever pack’s necklace (as they’re usually all unique to us in some way/colour/shape/form) said/did.

THE REASON I’m elaborating on my packs is that.............

The people who are neglecting me......

Are these people. Our blood runs through each others veins. We are people who have all been abandoned and/or abused by our families.....so we have made our own. As a pack. As a friend family. As a fremily.

Which everyone should have....but ours runs deeper than most peoples. And most people don’t understand that. And most people don’t understand that when I’m wearing a necklace......it’s not JUST a necklace. Everyone is all “Ooooo what a nice pendant you’re wearing, dearie! Where did you get it?” And I just look at them, aghast, saying “I do NOT have the time to explain that.” And walk away while they look appalled at my “rudeness”. Lmao. I could just say “I don’t know” but that is disrespecting our emblems to me. So I can’t do it.

THE REASON I WENT IN DEPTH ON ALL OF THAT AND TOOK THE TIME TO DO THAT .....is to explain why NORMALLY.... I can cut out just about anyone, no matter how near and dear to my heart they are or how long they’ve been in my life (aka parents LMAO) or whatever they’ve done for me or whatever this and that blah blah blah.

But my packmates I will NEVER *just* cut out. Ever. An explanation will come first before I cut them out...if that even happens.

Again, this is a HUGELY pivotal moment for us all....... and I’m not there with a certain pack (my main pack) I’m having problems with to see it in person. The other packs I’m having issues with.... I’m not sure if they’re having pivotal moments, actually, because they’re not only neglecting me, they’re practically ghosting me. Which is not okay. But it goes both ways. I haven’t exactly been texting them either. But why haven’t I been texting?BECAUSE I HAVE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE TO TEXT THAT I JUST POST MASS UPDATES ON EVERY FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA SITE I HAVE AND C/P SO THAT EVERYONE CAN FOOKIN SEE IT GODDAMNIT. I’m not gonna c/p the same message to like a million people over and over and over on my phone. I’m just not. I’m going to C/P on my major social media sites where everyone is and tag them if necessary.

And the fact I am being neglected and sometimes ghosted consistently ever since becoming physically disabled...and being SHAMED by my pack when I say that I’m not loved when I’m standing on a ledge ready to jump with only my phone to save me..... and then being p much ghosted by them for the remainder of ....well...until I’m right back on that ledge.... PROVES that I either have to be dying, in the hospital, or already dead for them to take me seriously, which I EXPECT from everyone else in the world because that is shitty human nature which shouldn’t be a thing, but is. But from my pack? My fremily? My inner circles? That doesn’t fly. No. Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I am not a different person just because I am physically disabled. Yes, okay, maybe I am actually.... I have become a lot more aggressive. And IF IT’S POSSIBLE, I have actually become MORE outspoken (is that possible? lmao) and I have become much louder and I am WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY more confident in my abilities than ever before.

But the fact that I am now HAPPY and can control my breakdowns and have healthy coping mechanisms and know how to healthily take care of myself........... THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU ABANDON ME. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE IN MY INNER CIRCLE AND I AM AT MY DEEPEST, DARKEST POINT IN LIFE.

Stagnancy is my biggest killer (hence why everyone has always tried to push me towards trauma surgery since I was old enough to be held in the lap of nurses in the overview seats of the OR watching room places when I was a wee lad waiting for my mom to get off work coz I always wanted everything to go fast fast fast and wanted to be an animal doctor and loved playing with blood and thought organs and stuff were cool and had a lot of questions but was so convinced I was gonna be an “animal doctor [veterinarian]” that i was adamant not to take any of their years and years of pushing medical training on me as a child growing up in hospitals running around the ER.... ahh, the 90′s were a simpler time. Lmao). Stagnancy comes with being chronically ill and in chronic pain. And when your doctors FUCK your medications up.........and you’re literally FORCED to be house bound........ and your roommates are up and out whenever they damn well please because yknow... THEY CAN..... (fucking able bodied people piss me off).....you can do nothing but relapse. Over and over and over again.

And one morning you wake up and wonder “Why the FUCK are both my benzos AND my pain killers EMPTY!????” and you’re frantically calling your doctors and every dealer you know.... And no one can help. No one can help.

And you’re housebound until the 23rd. Unable to even get the 3ish miles down the road to the wonderful little niche coffee shop you love to just study and do your schoolwork like you normally do.....so you try so hard to just....no more relapsing...no more slicing yourself to shreds.... no taking all those pills pumped full of potassium (which is a part of the lethal injection process) that you’re prescribed and overdosing on every single one of them. NO giving in. No becoming an alcoholic again. No quitting your medical studies just because you’re TRAPPED indoors. No quitting life just because you’re obese and you HATE yourself because you can’t FIX IT because you are TRAPPED. No more......

I have one person left to push away from me. I have managed to ostracize myself...... from everyone else. On purpose. I did it on purpose. I did so well, too. I really pulled that one off so well that even one of my two platonic soul mates fell for it. And now I’m left with one singular person holding on... and I need her gone so I can FINALLY say, TRUTHFULLY AND HONESTLY.... that “Yes. Everyone DID give up on me. And yes... everyone DID leave me. And no. NO ONE that matters who was that close to me, which is quite a good handful of people, even tried to help me after one point. And yes, I CAN tell you that exact date. And yes..... it is all written right here...in this suicide note.”

And that’s how I want it to be. But she won’t leave. But she’s also not giving me what I need to keep holding on. Which is not her fault. I don’t expect that from her or anyone. I need to give MYSELF that. But.... For fucks sake, I normally bounce back within 24 hours after a SERIOUS breakdown and a relapse. This is day 4... and I’m still on a downhill spiral. Not as badly as yesterday. I feel like I pulled myself up and last night and this morning were pure breaths of fresh air.... and now the downward spiral begins again.

Until the 23rd....I won’t know whether I should keep trying or stop.

Until the 23rd, I WILL keep trying because I did not raise myself to be a fucking quitter and I push myself 200% every single day otherwise I DID NOT do that day correctly and need to give 400% the next day. So until I find out what the prognosis is on the 23rd...... it is still the 200% every day, DESPITE the constant suicidal depression I feel that I NEVER thought would return. This lethargy and apathy brought on by stagnancy and being trapped in here and unable to leave because of my own BODY................................. is...... could be the end of my life.

But that’s a genuine reason for euthanasia. I will NEVER understand why humans are pro-euthanasia for the exact same types of sufferings in dogs, but against euthanasia in the exact same type of suffering in humans. If you’re gonna free an animal from suffering, why would you FORCE a human to continue living out its life in the same?

My grandmothers Alzheimer’s has progressed so badly that last I heard, she has now lost complete motor function to the point where she cannot stay in a chair and since my grandfather has dementia and all of the nurses aids quit, my grandmother slips out of the chair and falls to the floor and lays there and doesn’t even know it the whole time and neither does my grandfather while they’re watching TV the whole time. But since my grandfather is still “alert enough” despite his dementia, he is still her power of attorney and won’t allow us to put them in a home for stupid white manly man reasons. And all the nurse aids keep quitting on my family and the suffering is unreal and I just hope to fuck they die soon. Both of them. Some of you may think that’s cruel but those of you that do....obviously have not had ANY medical training in your lives. Because I would have thought so too before medical school. In fact, I was against canine euthanasia before I went to vet tech school. WOW was I an idiot. I was against a lot of things and called myself an animal rights activist just like a lot of vegans do before I went to vet tech school and became educated on what animal WELFARE actually is compared to the horrid world of animal “rights”.....

“In order to relive pain, one must suffer first.”“They tell us to do no harm and then hand us a 10 blade and tell us to slice a patient open in the OR.”“The only way you can do no harm is by harming the patient first to make everything better.”Things like that..............are things that opened my eyes GREATLY in medical school...... to the fact that there are MANY times when people have a goddamn RIGHT to euthanasia, aka assisted suicide is what it’s called in humans. But honestly... it’s just euthanasia.

The 23rd will determine a lot.

I’m in a lot of pain. Physically....and now EMOTIONALLY to a point at which I cannot handle. And no one can do anything for me except me.

And since I am a 26 year old man... I need to learn to take care of it myself.

Because that’s what everyone wants me to do, right?

Right.

So I will obviously take care of it myself like I always do. Set a timer on my phone for however long I am allowed to break down for, cry and break down for that amount of time, when the timer goes off... get up, wipe my face clean and my arms clean, put my glasses back on, fix my hair and clothes, and go back out and face the day and do what I’m supposed to do.

As I’ve been doing for months upon months. Maybe a good half a year now. It was working so nicely....until 3 days ago.

I just don’t know what happened.... Maybe today will make it better. Maybe it will make it worse...... Who knows.

The 23rd will tell.

Thank you caring enough to send me a message. And no I am most certainly not okay. At all. Physically or mentally.But I appreciate the ask. I do. As no one cares enough to even send one nowadays. I appreciate the offer.

But I should keep dealing with things on my own as I have been this whole time. I need to learn how to better compartmentalize and detach. I was doing so well until 3 days ago. I still don’t know what happened. But.... I’m sure I will figure it out. Somehow.......I appreciate this ask. A lot. It makes me feel a little better.

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