#Healing my inner child with all these dinos

[honey-capsule]

01/19 ♡ Visiting the Natural History Museum-

Ah, drought-ridden California has finally been experiencing a cold, icy winter! We're constantly getting 50-60 degree temperatures. I'm grateful but I should really bundle up now that the sun's setting, brrrr.

I just spent all afternoon editing my Tumblr blog, and it turns out I still remember some basic HTML, hehe. I'm not too crazy over the background but I'll try finding something else later.

Anywho, I wanted to share my experience visiting the Natural History Museum yesterday! ♡( ◡‿◡ )

Went with my dear friends, Shirley and Camille. We originally wanted to eat Korean BBQ first, but then realized that it wasn't open for another half hour. We weren't starving YET, so we went to the museum first instead(●´⌓`●). It was my first time visiting so I was shocked that the entry was free for Los Angeles residents??? (Just bring your ID) When you're trying to stay on a budget, those things really matter. I wish I had bought a pretty crystal at the gift shop to support the museum, but I'll make a mental note to buy one on my next visit.

There were a ton of exhibits ranging from dinosaur fossils, collections of animals, birds, bugs, and expensive-looking crystals. We even entered a whole vault filled with diamonds made from gems all over the planet.

The dinosaur fossils were ENORMOUS and truly breathtaking. No, really, looking up at the Mosasaur fossil (that giant, aquatic dino that ate a shark in Jurassic World) above me made me light-headed. I was in absolute awe. Being in this area reminded me of how I really wanted to be a paleontologist as a kid. The experience made my inner child happy and motivated to focus on my current passions in life~

Maybe about two hours in, we noticed the museum was preparing to close and that we were starving then! So we left and enjoyed the winter sunset on our way back to the car. We tried a lot of new places today, and that included this Korean BBQ restaurant I saw in an Instagram reel that morning. Unlimited meat and sushi? Sign me up!

The food didn't disappoint and the hot sake felt super cozy. I definitely didn't get a buzz though. My tolerance was too good yesterday, haha.

Final stop was a boba shop called Boba Bear, which I pulled up just searching what was near us on the googly. We were really lucky, because they were in the middle of a collab with ONE PIECE! I treated my fiancé to a flask and got myself a strawberry milk tea. The drinks were delicious and not too sweet. It being Los Angeles though, we did have to pay for valet just to park and enjoy our drinks at the shop. Oh, LA!

One small little memory that will stay with me forever, and this is pretty ooey gooey, are the car rides in-between these places. Half the fun is really the long car rides through LA, singing and laughing about everything and anything. My heart is full just reflecting back~ Thankful for my friends.

Until then!

[unnamed-atlas]

How bad would it be if I started making fanart for a mcyt series from ten years ago that probably no one remembers and neither of the people involved in it post minecraft content anymore 😬

[rottenpumpkin13]

Do you think Sephiroth would be a fan of nostalgic childhood foods? Like hotpockets or mac n cheese? Since he never got to have those in his childhood

He craves them every time his friends discuss their favorite foods: Angeal’s descriptions of his mother’s homemade mac and cheese, Zack’s frozen dino nuggets and PB&J sandwiches, and Genesis’ chocolate pudding and sugary cereal (especially the kind with Sephiroth action figures). Sephiroth feels a bit left out, so he decides to try them all.

*Zack opens a cupboard in Sephiroth's kitchen*

Zack: Man! I've never seen so many boxes of rice krispie treats in my life!

Sephiroth: I'm healing my inner child.

*Angeal pulls open the fridge*

Angeal: Sephiroth, why do you need 50 chocolate pudding cups??

Sephiroth: I'm healing my inner child.

*Genesis pulls open a drawer*

Genesis: What are you going to do with 80 packets of gold fish crackers??

Sephiroth: Heal my inner child.

Angeal, looking under the sink: WHERE DID YOU EVEN BUY THIS MANY RAMEN NOODLE CUPS?

Zack: Are they also to heal your inner child?

Sephiroth: No, I buy those weekly. They’re an integral part of my diet and happiness.

Zack:

[kaleidream]

Hi! I'm Kalei!

Pronouns: they/she

AuDHD

Genderfluid

Trying to heal my inner child and enjoy life!

SFW interaction ONLY! This is my safe space!

Special Interest:

Bath and Body Works and all scented things!

Likes:

Other Interests: Squishmallows, Space, Pokémon

Shows: My Little Pony, Chip and Dale, Bluey

Movies: The Lion King 2, Tangled, Frozen

Games: ACNH, Pokémon Snap, A Kinder World, Webkinz, Stardew Valley

Activities: Coloring, Looking for rocks and other cool stuff, watching Squishmallow and ACNH videos

Snacks: Fruit Snacks, Rice Crispy Treats, Dino Nuggets

Favorites:

Animals: Otters, Cats, Guinea Pigs, Deer, Raccoons

Color: Gold

Music: ACNH and Stardew Valley soundtracks

[aleatoryw]

okay, so, the bella sara tarot deck. below the cut because it’s a LONG post.

My process: I decided to limit this to cards I physically own, even though all the newer cards do seem to be archived pretty well on the wiki, because I think shuffling and touching the cards is an important tarot aspect, and I wanted the deck to be functional. Not counting item cards and shiny variations, there are a total of 90 unique cards in the first and second series, the only ones I ever purchased, and luckily I have all 90!

Since there are 78 cards in a tarot deck, I had to pick out 12 to discard. I settled on several non horses (artemis the zebra, pedro the donkey, dino the dinosaur, kio the lion, treasure the seahorse, wavebreaker the dolphin), three foals (bellisimo, beauty, spottie), cajus for including a merman in the artwork, friends for featuring two horses and only one name, and dynamo because i simply felt the art style wasn’t very realistic and didn’t fit in with the rest of the deck.

From there I divided the remaining cards up by their “symbol” at the top. conveniently, there are four suits! I decided the heart best fit with the cups, the flower with wands, the moon with pentacles, and the horseshoe with the sword. Great. Then I dug through every pile and pulled cards I thought best fit each major arcana card, while keeping 14 of each suit to represent the minor arcana.

For the unfamiliar, bella sara cards feature a horse portrait, but also a little message of positivity. A little horse motto. It’s a strange franchise but 2007 was a weird time for all of us. I mainly used the messages to sort these horses, but aesthetics and name played a small role. I used this site’s description of each major arcana card to help because I don’t know that much about tarot tbh. all images from the bella sara wiki.

The Fool - Luna - “A wonderful and exciting world awaits you.” a few other cards mention having the heart of a child or seeing the world as a child, but this one really expresses the beginning of a journey, the openness to the world that the fool offers, if slightly more uplifting because. well. it’s bella sara.

The Magician - Tao - “The whole world is at your feet.”  i was kind of hoping for a card that was more about being unique. but the magician also represents having what you need to accomplish your goals and should set forth. world’s your oyster. at your feet.

The High Priestess - Santos - “Be mindful of your senses and your intuition.” was slightly wary of assigning a stallion to this role but gender is dead and the high priestess is all about intuition

The Empress - Honey - “Create something beautiful. It will make you feel peaceful.” my first instinct was to make the titular bella the empress. But honey’s message about beauty, and her portrait surrounded by nature, won out.

The Emperor - Cantaro - “Develop your ability to lead. Ask a wise person for advice.” This card specifically mentions leadership and wisdom, a relatively easy pick.

The Hierophant - Angel - “Angel is coming. Make space and let heaven help you.” another pretty easy one, very few cards mention heaven or spirituality.

The Lovers - Yin & Yang - “You always have a choice.” i considered discarding these two early on, but felt the message was too tarot-relevant to discard, and they fit very well here. the only card in our deck with two horses who aren’t a mare and foal, reminding you of choices.

The Chariot - Tai - “Be resolute and energetic in what you do.” wavered on this one for a while but I think resolve and energy are related to determination and drive enough for this to work.

Strength - Thunder - “I give you courage. Now you can release your fears.” this is one where the portrait was pretty relevant - a few cards mention courage but this one is the most forceful and strong about it.

The Hermit - Mushu - “Find a peaceful place where you can gather new energy.” big hermit card energy, back away from it all and recharge

The Wheel of Fortune - Eagle - “See the world from above like an eagle.” fuck this card in particular. took me ages to find something that kind of matches, and even then it’s a stretch. the only real match here is that the wheel of fortune urges perspective, and so does this eagle colored horse.

Justice - Grey - “If you really want it, it will come to you.” this was a tough one too. The vaguely karmic aspect is appealing to pair this one with justice, but it’s still not the best match in the deck. i’m trying my best.

The Hanged Man - Yasmin - “Retreat and gather new energy for taking steps on the road.” the hanged man is about cutting your losses, sacrificing something small to move forward, and letting go of what’s not working. retreat seems like a good fit.

Death - Chung - “Let go of pain and sorrow. The road will open and everything will go right.” assigning a horse trading card to death was not a task i thought i would face. but i kinda vibe with this pick - death is about endings and new beginnings, so it’s important to move past your pain and onto new roads. also, traditionally, death rides a white horse.

Temperence - Peace - “Those who don’t think of winning or losing have peace in mind.” kind of a weird one, hard to find a good match, but I think this patient, peaceful war horse fits.

The Devil - Parlez - “Make a plan and commit completely to it.” crazy enough there really aren’t any uhhhhhh demonic horses in this children’s trading card series from ‘07. went with the interpretation that what traps you is your own unwillingness to move forward. also there is a skull on this horse’s forehead. kinda metal?

The Tower - Macon - “It is wise to accept that there are things you can’t do.” this card is one of very few that isn’t relentlessly positive and instead encourages you to accept failure. Let that tower, or stable i guess, crumble.

The Star - Star - “It is not what you do but who you are that is important.” i simply had to. nice healing message.

The Moon - Sheng - “Understand the past. Hold onto the great things and move forward alone.” the description for this bad boy mentions not allowing worry to cloud your past or future, and this horse is all about parsing your past to move clear-headed towards the future. nice moon colored palette.

The Sun - Bella - “Think positive every day! Feel the bliss of joy and energy that comes with it.” here she is, the figurehead of our series, the queen of happiness, joy, optimism, energy... our sun.

Judgement - Starfighter - “Believe in your vision and make it come true.” this was another tough match, i had to focus on the “you can change yourself and your future” aspect of judgement to make any of them fit, and this was my fave card that mentions vision.

The World - Sunny - “The wind blows. The sun is shining. Surround yourself with positive friends.” it’s not my favorite match, but it does have a certain element of being in the right place in the world, with a sense of completion.

Okay! so that’s the major arcana. For the minor arcana, while i did put the cards within each deck into an order I thought fit the ace through king, I was far less particular than with our major deck. Went with vague associations instead of real connection to each card. I’m also not gonna list out all my reasons, because while I may be an insane person, I’m not quite ready to dedicate that much time to this weird, niche late night project. Pictured below is the ace of each deck.

Suit of Wands/Flowers:

Ace - Shaman - “You are more powerful than you realize. It is safe and good for you to be powerful.”

Two - Feng - “This moment is full of opportunities.”

Three - Nanna - “Think positively. Your happy thoughts will grow.”

Four - Walter - “I love your company. Let’s have a good time together.”

Five - Shakira - “Goodness and generosity create loving energy.”

Six - Yung - “Don’t be afraid. Show who you are.”

Seven - Tiffi - “Paradise is a state of mind.”

Eight - Bosi - “Use all your abilities to make this a beautiful place.”

Nine - Jewel - “I will help you stay in a steady flow of abundance.”

Ten - Flipper - “I will embrace you with extra energy and magic. Then you don’t have to be afraid.”

Page - Pink Lady - “I am the spirit of your inner child. Be joyful and see the world as a magical place.”

Knight - Sarah - “Take a chance and follow your heart.”

Queen - Misla - “With me you will be safe and protected by heaven.”

King - Halloween - “I will keep you safe.”

Suit of Cups/Hearts:

Ace - Pegasus - “Your dreams are coming through. I am here to help you trust.”

Two - Saga - “Join me and we will be happy together.”

Three - Nikita - “You may join us if you like.”

Four - Sasha - “Make your goals magnificent.”

Five - Roxy - “Magical opportunities surround you.”

Six - Sung - “Retreat from conflicts and go where you feel safe.”

Seven - Fiona - “Be the hero in your own story.”

Eight - Lancelot - “Be patient. Wait for the right moment before you take action.”

Nine - Misty - “You have Misty’s touch right now, and everything you start turns to gold.”

Ten - King - “I will help you spread peace and unity throughout the world.”

Page - Skipper - “Believe in your worth. You are valuable.”

Knight - Filippa - “Enjoy what you have got. You don’t need what you have not.”

Queen - Ghost - “Your beauty comes from within.”

King - Lucas - “Run with me and you will feel the strength and power inside you.”

Suit of Swords/Horseshoes:

Ace - Konfu - “Move towards your goals. The road is open.”

Two - Alibi - “Find new ways to be with others.”

Three - Yellow - “Spend time with me and you will get your heart’s desire.”

Four - Freja - “Close your eyes and hear the sound around you.”

Five - Ninja - “Be careful every minute.”

Six - Cascadeur - “The things you have lost will come back by themselves.”

Seven - Jojo - “You create your own reality.”

Eight - Ming - “Be open and take care of what is necessary.”

Nine - Sweety - “You are a perfect child. Believe it.”

Ten - Moonlight - “Trust the moon and the stars. Then your dreams are coming through.”

Page - Colour - “Feel the joy in what you see, hear, and sense.”

Knight - Flame - “I run faster than the wind. Follow me and we will find a magical place.”

Queen - Blackie - “Follow your dreams. Feel the happiness it brings.”

King - Bello - “Life is a gift. Receive it and love it.”

Suit of Pentacles/Moons:

Ace - Sokki - “Seize the day.”

Two - Rose - “Listen to your dreams. What they tell you is important.”

Three - Rain - “Run with me and feel the power.”

Four - Leonard - “Your life is a sundance.”

Five - Charlie - “Make time to listen to your friends.”

Six - Leonardo - “When you hear me neigh you will feel the joy we have.”

Seven - Hummingbird - “Go after the point of life.”

Eight - Hercules - “Don’t be afraid to ask for help.”

Nine - Mermaid - “Laugh from your heart and feel the joy.”

Ten - Mandalay - “This is a magical moment. You can make a wish.”

Page - Jonathan - “It is time for joyful playing. Joy creates miracles.”

Knight - Lucky Light - “Always be clear and brave.”

Queen - Shadow - “Look withing yourself and love what you find there.”

King - Balto - “Happiness is a decision. Decide to be happy.”

And there you have it. the bella sara. tarot. deck. If you’re still here you’re either way too invested in assigning things to other things, procrastinating, or have fond bella sara memories from when the company was still out there, convincing us to spend several hours a day brushing virtual horses. PLEASE message me with your fond bella sara memories, or if you know about tarot and have suggestions/comments.

despite the insane time investment this took, i really enjoyed looking at all the messages and comparing them to tarot meanings. maybe i’ll actually do some kind of reading with it sometime! i don’t know a lot about tarot but i think it’s really cool and the concept of using silly horse trading cards to divine my future delights me.

[displacedcreativity]

When I was little, I used to love Barney, like most kids in the early 90′s. At one point, I even had a stuffed Barney that was very close to the design of the toy in the show. I knew mine would never come to life, but the extra detail made it feel so magical and for a variety of reasons, it was very sentimental and I loved it dearly. I often played alone so obviously toys and stuffed animals played a big part in my imaginary adventures and this stuffed Barney was no exception.  And then while at preschool. In between arriving and naptime. Someone stole it. And I never saw it again. I was devastated, to say the least.  My grandmother got me a new one, but it wasn’t the same. Literally and figuratively. The new one was wearing a shirt for some odd reason, and it’s mouth was sewn shut and overall it looked very odd. There was no charm, no magic. By second grade, I loathed Barney. Between losing the stuffed toy and having one of the lessons I had learned from the show backfire in a painful way, I wanted nothing more to do with it.  I carried that hate for years, and eventually it turned into a neutral feeling to hardly ever thinking about it. Obviously, I knew all the words to the mean version of the ending song from the show...the “I hate you, you hate me, let’s team up and kill Barney.”  I think that’s still a thing that people start singing when they hit a certain age.  I sang it so much I actually forgot the words to the actual song. Regardless, Barney! Not something I’ve really put much thought into lately. And lately, I’ve been burned out - prior to Covid, though Covid definitely didn’t help. And while burned out I was crushed in all the worst ways possible and if I were the Doctor I would’ve died and struggled to regenerate.  Whatever spark or light I had been holding onto prior to recent events is snuffed out, gone, and it would take an impossible miracle to get it back or at least a similar spark back. Like. That person is *gone* I might as well change my name and face at this point.  Needless to say, my dreams have been various flavors of awful, and while that’s not unusual they’ve definitely ramped up in the awfulness more recently.  Last night was no exception, but the ending took a bit of a turn. I was at a school, like a mix of schools I’ve been to or seen and weird stuff was going on and I’m not sure how old everyone was? Like we were all kids, teenagers and adults all at the same time cause you know. dream logic. But then for a moment, Barney was there. Which is a first, I think. I genuinely don’t remember any dreams with Barney in it before. But. He was there! But then he wasn’t. Turns out the only people who could see him were people who still believed in the power of the Imagination. (Very Hook).  And of course, I stood there in disbelief that I couldn’t see him because  I write and draw characters all the time and imagine things, I love imagining stories and dreaming and this was even MY dream why could I NOT see him? I was kind of insulted and spent the rest of the dream trying to prove to myself and everyone that there was nothing wrong with my imagination.  Except that there was, or, is. As I was saying, that sparks been pretty much gone. The skill to create hasn’t vanished, and when I have the energy I can still make the art and write. But that spark that makes me enjoy what I made or gets the creative juices flowing. That’s gone. It’s all ash, there’s no re-igniting that flame. When I realized that in the dream I was instantly upset because it meant that I’ve failed my inner child, if I even still had one, and myself and everyone there because it meant that I couldn’t see Barney even though I knew he was there. I even went on a rant about how growing up doesn’t equate losing your imagination, losing that spark, and adults aren’t crazy for wanting to play with their imagination as a way to have fun and relax.  But everyone nodded and agreed with me, I hadn’t made any sort of realization I didn’t already know or at least, deeply understand. Like, I was right but it wasn’t what my subconscious was trying to process and deal with. And someone, I don’t know who, asked me if I loved my imagination. As it’s something that has actually plagued me many, many times and well I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve pretty much got 0 self love.  I think I said yes, or that I wanted it back, I’m not entirely sure. But it was this general acceptance that one of my strengths has always been the ability to see the magic in the mundane and to share that magic with others by creating something, be it art or a story or whatever I think is the best medium for the magic. I often squish this down in an attempt to fit in or to not look weird, but.  It doesn’t stop at stories, because I was also thinking how in general I see the potential in things, in people, in stories.  And yeah, that magic can often backfire, and it can hurt, and it can make you feel completely, totally alone when no one else see’s what you do. But that’s what I needed to say. That I can see the magic in the mundane and the potential in every person. Even though I’m burnt out and the spark is gone and I have no real creative juices and no real self love and honestly every year I survive is honestly a surprise and I still can’t promise I’ll make it to 34 for a variety of reasons, (my physical health is rubbish and yadda yadda tomorrow is never guaranteed) but. That’s part of who I am. I see the magic. I see the potential for good, and the potential for bad. And there will be people who will never see what I do, and there will be people who will! And there will be people who don’t see it, but they will believe me - some may see what I do eventually, and there will be those that will never see it even if it’s slapping them in the face and they will take that out on me in negative, awful ways and it will hurt every time. But that’s okay. And it’s okay to be hurt, and it’s okay to lose that spark because the spark is just an energy source. When the batteries die for good you don’t recharge them you throw them out and get new ones! Hell, even dead batteries that are kept in for too long can still explode acid everywhere and eat away at the insides.  So yeah, my batteries are dead, and have exploded acid everywhere, and it will take a long time to pry them out, clean up and repair the damage and get fresh batteries. And it’s always possible that I’ll never make it that far.  But when I realized this, in the dream. Magic from the mundane and the batteries...Barney popped up again. Though more of a strange dream version of Barney this time, and actually to be completely honest I couldn’t see the face because it was taller than me so all I could really see was a colorful torso but REGARDLESS.  I hugged the dream dino and for the first time in YEARS. I remembered the actual lyrics to the ending song from the show. “I love you, you love me. We’re a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won’t you say you love me too!” What a thing to forget.  And I realized, that that’s generally my response to when something I love ends up hurting me in someway shape or form. Ever since I was a small child that’s how I learned to react to a lot of my trauma. The logic of...”It can’t hurt me if I hate it.”  Like I’ve known for a while that I’ll avoid something if there’s too much negativity attached to it, and obviously there are lines that will always need to be drawn but. Love won’t always make  you feel good, and that’s okay. But replacing love with hate isn’t always what you should do, and hate with always make you feel like crap.  Anyways, I’m kind of losing my train of thought but ultimately. I woke up feeling... lighter, in a way. There’s still a lot of bad and I’m stull hurting and broken, etc etc etc but I woke up with no hatred for Barney or sour neutrality and generally my feelings for the show (I’m assuming it’s still on) is that I think it’s a great show that encourages kids to be imaginative and to be loving.  And my inability to remember the original lyrics of the song has been replaced with me genuinely struggling to remember the mean lyrics, and I don’t even feel bothered to look them up, because why? Why waste energy I don’t have hating something for unintentionally hurting me, especially when it was something I loved so much and helped me get through other dark, traumatic events that I was exposed to at a very young age? I mean, I’m not about to go out and start buying a whole bunch of Barney merchandise and start watching show, but I can allow myself to enjoy my memories of it from when I was a kid and also forgive myself for hating something just because I was a kid in pain who wanted to protect themselves when no one else would.  This sort of thing is more complicated when it comes to people, but, baring exceptions, it’s okay to love the good memories. It’s okay to still love a place, or a thing, or a food you enjoyed alongside a toxic ex, and it’s okay if you can’t do that.  It’s okay to never want them in your life ever again, and it’s okay to hope that things can heal and mend and the two of you can reconnect in a healthy manner and the second time around is positive and healthy.  It’s okay to grieve a death for as long as you need to, and it’s okay to move on and find love again.

But whenever possible, chose love. Because love will let you know when to change your batteries, hate will make you keep those dead batteries till they explode acid everywhere and corrode you from the inside out because you hate being alone, afraid, or whatever negative thing is eating away at you but I can garuntee it’s not love that’s making you keep the dead batteries, it’s the deep desire to avoid something negative you hate or are afraid of and that’s perfectly understandable and a reasonable response and everyone works at their own paces.  And if you think it will help, write a sticky note that says “change the batteries” or whatever and stick it somewhere you can look whenever you need a reminder. Start with small things! Or don’t! It’s completely up to you! Just whenever you can, remember to chose love, and look for the magic in the mundane and the potential in people. Love can take you everywhere, hate will get you nowhere.