#HeeBeeAsks

[monochromeheartbeat]

Related to the last ask, everytime i see your blog pop up it makes me very happy! Glad to see Brittana is still loved on tumblr

I’ve been a bit preoccupied the last few months with so many back to back events, so my Brittana posting has been a lot less, but I’m still here and still loving Brittana!

Thank you for reaching out!

[monochromeheartbeat]

Hey! just wanted to let you know that I often come back to re-read itytd and love it a bunch. was just curious if you'd write any previously done chapters back under Santana's pov like you did with hot cocoa and 11/12. Thanks and hope all is well with you!

I had a few I wrote but honestly don’t remember a lot of them. You can find them here:

I also started a Santana POV prequel a few months back, but it’s not really ready for anyone else to read.

[monochromeheartbeat]

I just wanted to say it makes me extremely happy to see you my dash a lot! Glad you're still around this crazy ride with us so many years later.

I’ve always been here. I just lost my voice for a while.

[monochromeheartbeat]

We love you!!!!!!!!!

I love y’all too. Thank you so much

[monochromeheartbeat]

what do you think about the autistic brittany headcanon?

I think this is something that deserves a lot of thought and reflection, and I’m honestly not certain I have the best answer to it. Under the cut cause it gets long:

As an individual, I’ve had a pretty traumatic upbringing — one that at a very young age put me in a very untrusting dynamic with therapy that I won’t get into because it’s sad. And then my relationship with my adoptive mom was strained because she was studying psychology and did that thing you’re not supposed to do, which is to diagnose those close to you. With everything, founded or unfounded, based on a lot of struggles I was navigating balancing this growing up too fast and out of my control with desperately wanting to just be a kid, you know? And the support just. It didn’t exist for me in the way that was what I needed. Which was kindness and gentleness and patience.

So I have a hard time with the idea of head canons in general. I have a personal disdain for when people project their ideas of what they think of me onto me. It’s why I struggle with labels. I’m already a minority in so many ways — an orphan, adopted, mix-raced, Asian-American, 1st generation, unstable home, trauma/abuse, etc, etc. Discovering (through this particular fandom) that I was queer, I was like. Great, another box! (it's honestly okay - great even - now, but I was so afraid of losing what little I had when I realized it)

Don’t get me wrong, I believe mental health is SO important. I think I'm using mental health as an umbrella term here to include just general psychology terms, as I think autism is a learning/social disorder, not necessarily a mental health one. Idk, I'm really lacking in knowledge here. Still, diagnoses help with getting treatment or routines created and can really help improve quality of life. But autism specifically sounds like such a difficult thing to navigate, because autism is one of those diagnoses that can really restrict your personal freedoms because of prejudice against it (like whether or not you can gain citizenship in other countries). So I understand why a lot of people turn to self-diagnosis as an alternative.

But from my experiences with childhood, I am torn between having seen my parental figure diagnose me in an unprofessional capacity (and therefore concerns around self-diagnosis) and professionals harm me with good intentions but lack of care or tact when dealing with a child (thus a personal distrust of therapists that yes, I've worked on somewhat, and yes, I know better to ask for what I need than wait to be told).

The short of it is… I don’t think I’m qualified to tell you if this fictional character is autistic. I don’t know a lot about autism. I love that people identify with their favorite characters, and I think if that’s how you relate to that character, it’s a wonderful and special relationship you have with them. I think if she is autistic, she suffered in the sense that… canonically, Brittany never got the support from adult characters in the show other characters got. No one took her needs seriously. I didn’t really watch the season her parents were introduced (and I won’t get into my feelings about having been raised not being told I was Asian until later in life, the racism I experienced and didn't even understand, and how I feel in regards to the casting of Pierce Pierce), but from what I did watch and remember, her only support was really, truly, Santana. 

I love that Santana was her support system. I hate that she didn’t get explored with the depth and care other characters got. I hate that she was the butt of so many jokes. Yet, I loved Hemo for being so good at being so funny anyway. And I don’t know if we have enough information about her to determine if she was or wasn’t autistic. And I’m sorry I’m not more knowledgeable about autism in general. I know that it’s a more common topic of discussion than it was when I was more socially engaged on the internet a decade ago. My coworker talks to me often about his experiences, which is the only true source I have for autism information, but he's a new friend and I'm still learning a lot. But I hope I’ve answered this with as much respect and sensitivity as I can, because I don’t want to perpetuate any harm to a community that experiences a lot of stereotypes and misinformation. 

[monochromeheartbeat]

I think you’re really awesome and cool

[monochromeheartbeat]

List five things that make you happy, then put this in the inbox of the last ten people who reblogged something from you, get to know your mutuals and your followers!

My dog, Laika! (Named for the first dog in space, also the animation studio) I don't think she likes ME very much, but I love her so much. Look at this pretty girl!! She's so smart. Her birthday is in October and she'll be three!

My best friend! He's been so supportive of me the last several years when I really needed it. I don't know what I would do without him, and I'm really looking forward to spending time with him this weekend. We're gonna probably watch the Pokémon World Championship finals together!

Creating! Whether it's writing or drawing or just making something in general. I think making things is my love language, cause I lot of times I put a ton of effort into making something and then gift it. It's what makes my current job so enjoyable, cause I basically get to do that day in day out.

Pokémon! You maybe don't know this, but I run an official Pokémon League and I'm frequently a volunteer staff member for TPCi (The Pokémon Company International). I've judged the video game sides of things on a Regionals and NAIC level. I also am an avid fan and collector. I have over 50k cards, along with lots of limited edition stuff I've collected since 1998. My most prized Pokémon item is an autographed GameBoy Color I got signed when I met Junichi Masada and Shigeki Morimoto at the 2016 World Championships in San Francisco (I was a last chance qualifier for Pokkén because they cancelled spectator passes last minute and I live in SF).

Animation! I studied animation in school for both my graduate and undergraduate degrees and I have a love and passion for story-telling in this format because of how much world building and creativity you can bring to the medium. Also, a lot of animation has been pioneering diverse and inclusive content - and while I don't believe animation is just for kids, society tends to, it's usually a great way to help kids from underrepresented backgrounds feel heard and seen.

[monochromeheartbeat]

🌹

Snippet of something from Santana's POV from the next chapter (not actually part of the chapter).

Under the cut you go:

Warm breath wafted against to top of my head, preceded by the small sounds of Brittany inhaling. I wouldn’t quite call it snoring - it was too cute to be something so irritating as a snore. And she only made that sound when my face was pressed to her neck, just under her chin, anyway. I nuzzled my face impossibly further into the crook there and inhaled deeply, my arm instinctively squeezing her closer. She exhaled a hum and squeezed me back. I was sure she was still fast asleep, yet, somehow my heart fluttered a bit that she held me so dearly even so. 

She’d kept me close all night. The night before, too. I pulled back a little to look up at her slumbering face. I’d be lying to myself, as I often did, if I said I wasn’t completely stricken by how pretty she looked. Her golden feather-like eyelashes and the light speckle of freckles that accented the curve of her cheekbones. Her perfect and adorable nose, close enough to brush against mine if I tilted my head up just a bit. Lips that were the shade of pink that promised to be as sweet as they looked. 

I closed my eyes and leaned in again. A beautiful woman with heart so big and kind, and an unspoken strength she didn’t know she had. I felt my stomach tighten as I tried to squash my feelings down. There was a pang of guilt twisted together with the deep longing I had for her, and I knew somehow I was undeserving of all this. Still, her embrace was so soothing, and I couldn’t will myself to stop her. Call it selfish or whatever. 

Things had been so much easier when I didn’t have to share this, share her, with anyone. We had been fine with just our moments of unspoken understandings and the wordless dance between us. Reading each others bodies, relying on instinct, instead of worrying too much about the thoughts behind our actions. It was fine… until suddenly it wasn’t. I’d confused her, asking her to trust me without ensuring she understood me. To love me when I made my own feelings so complicated and hidden. Beneath layers of resentment and fear, masked by the best version of me I could invent. 

Brittany deserved someone who loved her proudly. I hid away and dragged her down with me. I need to deal with my shit so she knows I’m not going to do to her what I do to everyone else. I gave her another gentle squeeze, and she murmured softly under her breath. I smiled against her neck. 

Keep her close, not push her away. She made that easy enough.

——————————————

“Stop pestering me, Quinn,” I grumbled under my breath, tossing my phone at my open bag next to me on the floor. I didn’t need more pressure and lecturing from her regarding my feelings. Dealing with my own self-doubt and insecurities was hard enough as it was, I didn’t need Quinn playing psychologist. Not to mention her constant interference with Brittany and I. Had she always been this obnoxious?

I sat slumped in front of the piano in the sound studio I reserved weekly for both my independent study meetings with my professor and extra time I needed to actually work on assignments. That being said, I had hardly been in here. It reminded me of the choir room in high school. There were similar maroon-colored sound proofing foam panels along the walls - a much higher quality I might add - against wood the same color as the risers that held the world’s most uncomfortable high school chairs. I hated it here for all the reasons I had loved the choir room. It was a place for the magic of music. The magic I was currently abundantly lacking.  

I stared across the room at the instruments, not unlike the piano I was currently sitting at. Their presence was daunting. Full of potential, but motionless and silent. 

[monochromeheartbeat]

Have you watched the dragon prince?! It’s super good. I recommend it.

I loooove The Dragon Prince! I’ve watched it since it debuted on Netflix. The writing is really strong, and I love Rayla’s story. I rewatch it all the time!

[monochromeheartbeat]

Just saw that ITYTD was updated a little while back! 🥲 Truly one of my favorite fics of all time, your writing is incredible.

Wanna hear something crazy? That story is the reason I ended up taking Kinesiology in college (10 years ago!), that led to me taking a bunch of other courses that I fell in love with, that ended up with me swapping majors and becoming a nurse who's now back in school (again) so I can break into the cancer research field.

Pretty sure that's the longest I've ever kept a secret! Unless it still counts because I'm still on Anon? 😜

Anyway, thanks for making my night!!

Oh gosh, for real? 😂 I wrote that chapter while taking an Anatomy for artists class (fun fact, I got to study and draw cadavers for a few classes).

I’m so glad it served as a source of inspiration. It’s still one of the most frequently read chapters of the fic (probably thanks to an old autostraddle article reviewing Brittana fanfics). But to think it actually had some legitimately positive impact on the world? The power of… wlw mature rated fan fiction, amirite?

Hopefully you enjoyed the update! I worked pretty hard to try and minimize the decade+ gap between updates in terms of tone and hopefully it was fairly seamless.

[monochromeheartbeat]

Mild heart attack! I am so excited!! That is all. Also THANK YOU!!

[monochromeheartbeat]

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

I think ultimately, plot is a big part, but I focus so much more on characters. I like seeing character growth and development, and hopefully the plot guides it. Sometimes I get lost in the plot a bit because I'm so character focused though. I think it's because I care more about evoking the right emotions, and I find it easier to do through character driven focus over plot.

[monochromeheartbeat]

Hi buddy! It’s been nice seeing you on here more regularly! Keep it up 👍

Haha, it's because for the first time in forever I'm sitting at my personal computer. I finally set up my desk! It's not perfect and I'm still working on hotkey buttons for things and cable management, but the real success here is the LOOK, my desktop is actually clean and I sorted my files...!! Also, every other social media site has been giving me a lot of stress and doom scrolling, whereas I can freely be gay on Tumblr and I turned off infinite scrolling.

[monochromeheartbeat]

20. What’s something you learned this year?

I learned a lot of new skills at my job, but I think more importantly, I'm learning to see myself in a better light. I struggle a lot with imposter syndrome, and it gets in my way a lot. The past few years, I've really been trying to figure out how to navigate it without it paralyzing me from decision making. While I still have that voice in my head, I have worked really hard to create a more positive environment for myself. I think I'm learning to have more confidence.

[monochromeheartbeat]

1,2,4,5,22

Song of the year - Oof. Without Glee guiding me, I'm really bad at finding music I like outside Kesha. I don't really have one, but I guess I listened to a lot of Kate Bush this year? Along with lo-fi Pokémon music.

Album of the year - See above. Movie of the year - Everything Everywhere All at Once. Michelle Yeoh was already one of my favorite actresses from Star Trek: Discovery, and I'm so happy to see her in such an impactful film. Props to everything about that movie, honestly.

TV show of the year - The Owl House. So good, so weird, very refreshing animated show that has such great representation and story telling. Dana Terrace is amazing. If you liked Gravity Falls, you'll really enjoy this show, but it stands on its own in spite of the creative team sharing a lot overlap of people.

Favorite place you visited this year - Oh man, I traveled for work a LOT this year, but I also got to go to South Korea for the first time. I’m an adopted half-Korean person, so this was a big deal for me. I really gained some powerful insights on my identity, but I’m afraid I’m still struggling with explaining it. 

[monochromeheartbeat]

39 and 98?

You asked me this many months ago and I went and disappeared, so my bad. Dunno if anyone is even interested. 39. What was the last thing that made you laugh? My roommates and I poking fun at my dog. She's a bit of a character and my roommate does a very cute and funny voice for her when I talk at her. Lots of funny stories coming out of the walks she gets. 98. What is love to you? I've been thinking on this for months since you asked, and I honestly don't think I could answer that in a way I can really put to words very clearly as of late. I think love is something that evolves with you. There was a point I really thought I understood what it is, but I think I've lost sight a bit of it.

I used to think it was this almost tangible force between two people, but I think I've learned that love is different for different people and the kinds of relationships you have. The love I have for my best of friends is different than that I have for my family, and I think I need to reflect a bit more on how I my thoughts on romantic love have changed over the years.