#I AM NKT COPING

[sincenewyorks]

everyone stfu david is here

[vampfucker666]

im pretty sure most of my family members fr believe in ghosts which before this i thought it was just my mom and sister. cannot relate i think they're fun but i just dont give a shit enough about energy or rituals or whatever the hell to think theyre real. also i think it would make my probably ocd go fucking insane.

[think-it-through]

hello tumblr. here i am w another thit in ur face.

today s topic.

my mental instability, diagnoses, and other such beautiful things. but mostly, me, breaking down.

why is it so goddamn hard to get an evaluation when you need one. i need one because i am in a horrible mental state and have been in a similar state mkst of my life and then IT ALSO. heightened. so much in the past year.

one year ago i was quite happy. happiest ive ever been even. i met my partner, i was doing great at school. i had a good relationship with myself.

also one year ago in a week from now. exactly a week since today. is when my grandpa passed away and then it all went to shit!!! my health (physical) my health (mental) my relationship with myself (quaking) my trust in my ability to perform well professionally (currently invisible and yet still somehow present).

in the process of this horrible fall i found out one of my parents has previously been in a mental health hospital and the other one has a diagnosis. HA! who would've thought!!! NOT ME. because god forbid they taught me how they cope with their mental health nono.

the coping is "don't stress" and "crying won't solve anything" and "you'll grow out of it". WELL. GUESS WHAT MUM. i grew INTO IT.

phew. it feels weird to put all this in a positivity blog but it is my blog and i love it and positivity helps cus YES. LOVE PREVAILS. BUT IT DOES NOT NEGATE THE STRUGGLE AND THE BAD. it can still struggle while loved.

and i really. really. want to be better. so bad. sosososososoosososo bad. however! :( however! it has not been working. a self care shower and cutting my nails does nkt help. crying every day does not help. writing from time to time does not help. it helps. but it doesn't take away the pain in my chest, my urge to randomly do very bad things to myself, my fear of the future and my fear of everything. my fear of what people think of me when i am not mentally healthy. my fear ill be stuck in this. my fear ill be just like my father. my fear that I will end up doing all those bad things to myself. my fear that i wjll be a good for nothing living off of my parents mlney. my exhaustion with every daily task. my sleep issues.

but, most of all. nothing takes away the pain in my chest and my confidence that i am not a good person. that i am not capable. that i am abnormal. that i dont do enough. that i dont try enough. that i am a spoiled brat good for nothing fake nice person.

which? wtf what bad person would be so genuinely preoccupied and eaten the fuck up about being a good person. and not in a "performative activism" way but in a. i need to help make the fucked up world better. i need to. i have to. i want to. but am i doing enough. am i. am i? am i????

-

i.. idk! let me try and be grateful. i love my family. i love my partner. i love my friends. i did so much this year that i really thought I would not be able to do and i did it pretty damn good while also trying to not overwork myself. i. did my best. with my best intentions for myself and everyone. so. yeah. isn't that all i can do? what more do i want from myself?

i just. i think so much. so much. bit ironic since this blog is called think-it-through. but its in a sense of thinking it through when u see bad stuff. weighing in the good stuff. or idk. i didnt think that much when i did choose it.

it's going to be okay. not everything is my responsibility. nothing is in my control actually. i am safe for today no matter what decisions i take and what things i can do. sometimes(always) stuff like being sleepy, depressed anxious and procrastinating is NOT a decision. it is not. i need to give myself a break.

i have literally been growing (typo from going. but truly I've been growing) through the worst of my life in the last 12 months, back to back. whatever way i perform. it is understandable. i need to stop aiming so high. (and yet not actually specifically aiming anywhere because im scared of choosing a career choice) but. yeah. i need to stop pressuring myself to aim high in every micromanaged thing.

as someone told me "everything ure scared of, someone is profiting off of." and fuck off. fuck off. to that i say. i will grow and learn to live acting out of love only. and not fear.

i deserve love. everything deserves love. i am kind and good just because i want to be. i am okay and i am going to be ok until im not and then ill figure it out. im not going through something easy but i have support, resources and motivation to get better.

and you do too. good luck. u can do it.

[okietokiee]

rb this and describe how you relate to each dethklok member in the tags 🤘

[iidigestive-readerii]

One panic attack later and I am now more terrified that I will never stop the cycle of abuse in my family. I don't want my future kids to hate me. I don't want a relationship destroyed. my cats must have heard me crying silently and hyperventilating because they rushed to where I was (am, who am I kidding. I've barely moved from my bed today) and have refused to move. At least they like me. I haven't pushed them away.

[calliecat93]

I din’t think that we’re done with Ironwood yet. It coukd carry over into Volume 9, but I think we’ve got at least one more big thing woth him this volume. With his Aura broken and his Mettle Semblance unisable until then, Ironwood can’t force away his elotions. He now HAS to deal with the consequences of his choices whether he lokes it or not. Plus we liekly need a momwnt with Qrow to give him closure and maybe Oz as well so that we can ahve someone who’s be willing to offer James a chance.

The way I see it, Ironwood’s fate is going to go in one of two ways:

Ironwood is explained everything and snaps, this time without his Semblance to bring him down. Something happens as they try to transport him to Vacuo that ends with either him falling, his death, and/or doing something to make saving everyone far more difficult. If he lives and doesn’t escape, he gets taken to Vacuo and arrested/imprisoned. Either way he ends up learning nothing, sticking with his tyranical actions to the very end likely beyond hope.

He breaks so much after the news that he just... shuts down. Maybe he snaps and loses it, but unable to use his Semblance and nkt knowing how to cope, he just... mentally shuts down as everything hits him at once. They try to make him go to Vacuo, but one way kr another he refuses to leave Atlas. The thing that he sacrificed everything for. It ends with him, one way or another, remaining and he accepts his fate as Atlas falls. Could lead to a possible moment where he sacrifices himself to let the others through which won’t redeem him, but allows him to die doing the right thing at last.

Option 1 has him die/end his arc here in a dramatically ironic fashion. His mask slips and he ends up a desperate, pitiful man having learned nothing. Option 2 is more dignified and while kt won’t atone flr everything, gives him a chance to learn something and actually do the right thing, which would match the themes of the volume. Either is possible and either would be appropriate. Although knowing this voluem this far, it’ll likely go in a completely different direction and I am ALL here for it.

[bard-dadsquared]

Id put this under a readmore if i could but i cant so... sorry evveryone. Ill tag it as a long post, and a negative one at that.

Anywah

This week has got to be one of the worst weeks for mental health. I am not sure why, but ive been cranky, irritable, ive been wantint to isolate myself, indont wanna spend time with anyone or do anything except maybe rp, play dnd, or play video games

Which i cant do. My mood and mental health is making it hard for me to adequately care for my son, because i get overwhelmee way too easy with him, more so than usual. Its affecting ny sleep and quality of it. Its affecting my ability to attend my classes. Its affecting my communication, my relationships with people and everything.

Im getting what i can only explain as vertigo spells. Which trigger my anxiety. Im dissociating almost constantly, nothinf feels real to me. Hell in dissociated so hard pnce i thought i was in the wrong fucking body.

I almost had a panic attack three different times today because i felt like my mind wasnt my own i guess?? Like i was seeing too many things at one time, i was scared i was goinf to faint or black out.

I came home early today because of it.

To make a shitty day worse i decided id step up and try and figure out a day to play a game. That went poorly. Not going to go into details but zhit happened and someone git pissed off.

Made a post. Copied and pasted what i said

And then called me toxic because of it.

Not gonna post the juicy deets here (as tempting as it is)

Which kinda sucks?? Because like i know im not perfect. Im always tryinf to be the best me i can be.

Granted my frame of mind and emotional state is shit right now- im goinf through amd processing a lot of shit

And idk?? Maybe i am toxic certainky to some, i know for DAMN sure im nkt perfect, but i dont think that applies to the context they used it in but people wilk eat it up

And honestly i feel like mutual friends hate me now because i pissed them off. Which is awkward because i do a kot of stuff wirh this persons friends which we have mutually.

And now i cant do something i enjoy withiut

"Okay so whos gonna get pissed off about my rules now?"

My mind right now is a CLUSTERFUCK qnd i cant sleep

I don't even know if this makes sense im venting mostky.

Tldr: today was shit, my super power is being honest and getting two or three people to hate me at once because of it, and im fucked up in the head and i dont know how to cope with it because i guess what ive ive been trying to do isnt working

(Doing stuff that make me happy.)

[toogayformyowngood]

oh btw dont mind me

I may have just suffocated on my own air and j am nkt coping

[jayundergod-blog]

Ultimate fear to me.

Say ive smoked some marijuana and im those thinker type when i smoke the chiba. Well suddenly im surrounded by only those bearing tone of demons prophane barbaroc behaviors. I dobt want to go to hell, and this fleshed out before my eyes is the nature of my worst fear. I am not only God Fearing, but damn nervous because Ive nearly awakened what I call the real me, an innervoice guiding. And i have begun eliminating distraction. I have cleared my thoughts and sight of many distractions. And have started to have a certain space for any almost all items under my use amd home. One thing that adds to another frustratoon os not remembering drawers or table or nooks random/common items did put that buisness card? Or it could just be a real pressue on moment and those 3 like mechanical reaches with your hands and ready to go in 5 seconds. I am comparing this new day 1 moment for me to Change from within. In order to make positive impact on future sitiations and various choices given, I have to jump way out of familiarity. I dont know how to make a friend where drugs and alcohol arent at least in the introductio. Its been over 20 years outside of my sponsor in an AA run since I have made any friends outaide of Getwasted Land. And its alnost like some of these people down here might be animated workers of a divine purpose. . Another reason my greatest fear revolves around Hell is Part A: my consistence in screwing up my life and Part B: randomly manipulating in or believing the reason for myaelf that My heart is attatched the right way, I believe God intended to place a mountain of pain shame and addiction and pride, occourances 1 after another saying put down the beer weed dream. Its not working. Test? bad test? CRASH collisions. wrecks.. Sexual imoralities that put me in only tighter, I like to think of as an irrational coat of shame. Switching schools over 20 times social bonding just seemed to naturally wade into the wastelabds. It was cool to say **** things, skip class and sneak a J. So still part B: reason for my greatest fear sometimes i worry my desire to fight evil with fire kind of mentality of a grey angel badass has to often and with any levels of sincerity been ... non supportive of God, and a compmete self failure. I am a highly successful failure. The tides of life had been decided to ensure have a livable income for life. All my lab blood tests come back good. Inspite of ludacrouis unprotected promiscuity and abusing chemicals alcohol included at very high danger quantities and lengths of time. To paranoid to bruah my teeth, and involved with the addict community they really do mess with my toothbrush when i let them know they can not live in my spare room area or you've got to go period. So the balance of pride and shame are big with me. Im simply putting it this way. I am very smart. Like, words don't automatically limit my perception and i discover ideas, inventions, ways to improve systems namely in buisnesses etc. But i believe i may have discovered a few awarnesses in the light of creation that had been considered. And i flow with innovation so much i didnt even write inventions down anymore. But im starting too now. I dont know if tbere is evil in my motives to understand, and my motive to protect the earth with my creative discoveries within the gift of life here. Glory all goes to God. And i feel pride and shame when i point something out like "this motivated by my naturally good heart amd my true self is a divine discovery. I am probably the first to say Ive beaten Lucifar hands down on 3 areas very simple. 1: there is guarenteed 1% of love within this entitty from the bible, And Lucifer is afraid of this within himself. He fears the capacity in his heart. Lucifer fears himself. And that tiny igmored reality of love is capable of seeking forgiveness and apologizing to his creator. Yea i could be nuts but 2: humans, generally any life form brought into light given the breath of life to seek the water of life, are conditioned, refined, we are born with lack of understanding and in time develop sincere amd forced pursuit of underatanding. I take it Lucifer just suddenly came into light an angel with uncomparable tangible working knowledge with math, music, stars, and whatever elae. Put Satan up against a regular devloped human and there is much to gain from the journey in being. Where satan just woke up with his bed made and an attitude similar to mine perhaps. "This can be better". Is where i stop the line. I assume God ridicule came from the statue with emotions and knowledge. Who should be a professilnal liar if he believes himself that his strength and power are not extensioms of God to begin with. Have to be a wicked bad liar to claim pride and ownership of anything whatsoever under the light. And finally 3 i feel im going to remember the 3rd way I checked the scariest guy in hell. But yeah no? assuming the story true, wouldnt the capacity in hiz heart be to close to deny and create fear and the most depressing "what am i going to wear today" moments? Before showing the tear in his eyes emotions. this waa a really long stretch of a first blog in life. Im considering Blog 2 to be straight down to the knit. My **** and my luster. None of you will likely know me so ill drop down my guard and even get into the pride/shame like. yes i was on that crack like they were infinity packs and the only translatable view to the edge lf my heart beyond the mountain God may have intended to be in my way. And yes for sure real sexual absurditiesn have been a matter if exploration and i found the most go to being ones least condoned like im straight but a few times on thjs other drug, the only reaskn the drug would be any jse to me if I went straight tranny freakazoid fk or even longer than 12 straight ( kind of) hours. I made a bjg ordeal of it too because i live in comparing to a waizt to shoulder hi body of water like fear. Im always nearly always in fear of something. Even if its just in a house all alone I am watching my tone and volume to not disturb the entity or embarrass myself. And theres usually a lot of BS running around my zone too. But anywhoo, scared of the SwaT teams and demons in a hotel, after the first usual 3 hours of eyes attatched to all directions i can notice without moving i said im going to max this **** out right here yeeaaaaa and i was doing poses for the potentials whoever stands at a second floor hotel window for 3 hours. You catch the drift. Sure part of the freaknicity invomved is mentally appealing. Im nkt going to lie. The flesh of a woman looking jedi equipped i mean has to be no sembalance of a male but thats neithr here nor anywhere for me because this isnt like, my hearts reach in any way. Since the last time i freaked off i encountered sexual encounter with an at the time friend lady and then almost a second time with the hottest coat rack breast formation i ever need to remember. Well she pulls out the money for intercourse part and now i am in not only great confliction but with a prepared spirit for the one of the highest priority lessons I could learn or be corrected on. And just then came a foundation of knowledge and vision. Flesh perveree barbaric using eachother like another drug or relieving some pain or just sheer addicted. Ive never had a time i can remember where there is something between us not being impprtant to me in the sack of awesome goods. If there is no relation there to me now more than ever, then jt is absolute perversive use of the flesh and body. I hope i dont get some effect of a born habbit and tranny zerg away my problem and enhanced self confliction. Hey that was mostly because damn new drug new coping mechanisim, and there are countless survielance vultures and sure there are good birds too but ive raised a lot of attention. I just let go on the FBI something about FBIs mom too. And maybe i just want the 3rd particles in good hands but I cant trust a comey supporting organization who are either ignoring the messed up bridge and back up the lies or they are beings without common sense. Plus some other group(s) i may or may not belong too. Im an expert **** up trying to move out of this world vast potential into a framing of the only way i see contributing chance to 5 generations from now to be atleast alive bearably. But no the world unison is buy what they say to buy no matter what healthier and bio friendly lower cost solutions are hidden from us. What would evolve in systems and technologies supressed by our ROTH oppressors fancy dress night club, is probably far beyond any imagination. But we want to say its cool ill stcik with gasine and everything else unto death. Whats a future generaton? I dont see blood on my hands yet. Not my problem. Or worst yet of the whe set is the sad existance of knowing that better is a controlled possibility removed from possibility by a few tactics to keep humans focused on other problems like, never never represent the problem with details about the CIA plane crash bringing cocain into america. Dont put on the news 24,311 bombs were dropped on other countries. Like is it 100s or thousands of oilline breaks per year? Either way they don't want you to see the pentagon lost 6.5 trlion bucks whoops . And tobaccoo being a substantial source of tax revenue. Whatever moneys not the problem here. Its how ks your FDA cool with 6000 known additves to a ciggrrate? and youre good with modified organism (gene manipulated plant life namely fruist and veggiesbyou can claim intellectual rights to tomatoes now by altering its DNA) that most consumers would lome the right to know but man its over with. Im either going to just die one day... Or I'm going to dye knowing i threw down a few sparks that reached a storm the ROTH associates will have to get stepping. Go buy your own planet or island of youre so obsessed with being king lizard man. Destroying the offspring futures chance of a liveable world and potential of decent m humanity instead of 10 billion people having to suddenly adjust with the last forseeable year with petro fuels or stop kilming the world. stop taking more grip over our societies industries and market lkke..... I know allegedly 90% media is slapped into air by atleast 1 out of just 6 mega corps. Sl is that lime our clothes are probably boiked up to ROTH brands? ummmm blog 1 i might S sell have gave an essay i worked on a year in the American college system at the podium with the XYZ or funny stain black shirt liike.... Yea l make this mire worth while and if it fails me or i fail i might even try a second blog life. But i realoze the value in these blogs being revved around free introduction to inventions. All the way up to a new style of buildings. lkke really hard to see as anything but futuristic, easier, and better in at least a few distinct ways. #1 perk of this technology given we are not on unlimited resource world but ements kf the housing structure are intact by such a way that it can be reutilized and ultimately there is potential for a no waste technology that reaches every door in the earth thats been done up the new way. Syria Afghanistan ans in general the countries that had devestated ways of lives of countless individual lkves of family members pretty much need to be rebuilt by this building technogy unseen. And the speed should be quicker as well. blog1 the ramble of death. the simplicity in taking base technology and enhancing them with personal and ho.e life is not only missing from our choices but unbelievable how eaay it would seem to accomplish the evidence of .mmm It only seems impossible because its not on tap at any restaurants we know. Partly why i have arranged a vision of my most hoped for life one without its core an office and a desk but one built from the potentials of imagination. Imagination being in part most crucial in expanding reality. Alright next one will be shorter sweet cut and dry. The facts in my peraonel history. ps im paranoid schizo like pretty much everything frim swat teams, demons, and ritualistic annual sacrifice held secretly in the depth expanse of a tunnelways descendance into reality where only one hope has life, that is Lord God mercy.