#I STILL LOVE YOU I JS LEFT MY PHONE ON SILENT (IS THAT WHAT ITS CALLRD MAKING UR PHONE QUIET THE NOTIFS????)

[lovestruckpdf]

KAZ

LEXIS

[keilemlucent]

hi! tiktok js full of hawks cheating on (y/n) and i was wondering if you could write something with that concept..? something really angsty maybe? 🐣

alright my typing hand is slowly coming back :’^) as a celebration here’s some cheating hawks <3

warnings: cheating, a wittle description of sex, ANGST baby

edit: this turned into a lil drabble series :’^) here’s the parts!!

||  part 1  ||  part 2 ||  part 3 ||  part 4 (final) ||

Keigo was gone so often the apartment, it felt nearly barren. Though it was a shared space, you hardly saw him more than a night a week. He was busy, you knew this. His hero work kept him flying for nearly all hours of the day, it was only natural he wouldn’t around a lot.

Sure, there was a nagging in your gut formed from what you could only assume was your own insecurities. The rolling suspicion that there was something else happening beyond what you knew. 

But, you trusted Keigo, right? He always promised you that he would be honest. 

He was just busy. He’d always been busy.

...

You had gotten off work just a bit early, rushing home from the subway ready to flop into bed and hopefully catch Keigo for some desperately needed phone-sex. You assumed he wouldn’t be home, as much as it ached for him to be gone. It was the norm.

So, it was a bit odd that when you arrived home, the door was unlocked. 

At first, you thought the worst, that someone had broken in. Though, that notion was quickly dispelled when you noticed Keigo’s boots at the door. 

Your stomach dropped when you noticed a pair of dainty heels next to his shoes. 

Those weren’t yours.

Your gaze drifted to the nearby coat hooks, noting that Keigo’s coat was on its usual hook, along with a fluffy, pink jacket that was once again, not yours.

Your mind spun, hands tightening around the strap of your purse.

There’s no way.

He wouldn’t be-

“God, Hawks, this place is soooo lovely,” A saccharine, feminine voice echoed through the halls. “We should come here more often.”

“Thank you, dove,” that was your nickname. “It’s a nice place, we just gotta be careful, you know? (Y/N) will be home any minute.”

You didn’t move from the front of the door. Something was beginning to boil inside of you as the two rustled through the kitchen.

“Come on, Hawks,” The woman purred, sex-dripping off of each word. “Just one more, a quickie. I don’t want to wait until tomorrow for more of you.”

“I know, dove, neither do I.” 

You heard the two of them kiss. Bile rose in your throat, yet you still couldn’t move.

Is this why Keigo’s never around?

He’s been too busy fucking someone else?

It seemed cruel and unbelievable. All the benefit of the doubt you had afforded him was being washed away with each passing moment you continued to hear the two of them dissolve into each other.

“You like this, huh?” Keigo’s sneering to the woman, a thump sounding a moment later. “When I fuck you over the counter like this?”

The woman panted out some affirmative.

“Make sure to lick up your mess, dove, wouldn’t want (Y/N) finding it when she gets home, hmm?”

It was a joke. A tease, you finding out about their trysts. 

You finally moved.

You left your shoes on, allowing the soles to audibly sound against the floor, though neither Keigo nor the woman noticed, too wound up in each other.

There was some putrid mix of feelings coating you, inside and out. Something like rage combining with sadness- mourning. 

You swallowed as you stopped in front of the kitchen, taking in the sight before you. 

Keigo’s wings were outstretched, bare chest pressed over the woman’s back. Her skirt was hiked up, panties at her ankles while Keigo fucked her into the counter top. Her moans were high, grating on your ears as Keigo bottomed out into her cunt. You could see drool pool beneath her cheeks and hair as she was pressed smooth stone even if she was faced away from you.

The image, though you only focused it for a few seconds, was burned into you, hot and bright. 

Even still, they hadn’t noticed you.

“Hey, Keigo.” 

The two both stopped in tandem, freezing. Caught.

Keigo slowly turned his head toward you, eyes wide with shock and lips parting in horror. You spotted the fresh marks on his neck, still wet with spit.

Using his real name was a low blow, but fucking another girl in your kitchen was far lower. 

You gut twisted as Keigo righted himself, hurriedly spilling excuses and explanation that fell on unlistening ears. Your eyes stung with hot tears, but you sucked them back. 

“Both of you. Out.”

It wasn’t a request, but a command. 

The girl quickly straightened herself, regarding you with a glare that you immediately shot back to her with absolute poison. As bitchy as she seemed (and, you know, aware of your existence), she wasn’t yours to deal with. Keigo was.

“Wait, dove, please, give me a second here,” Keigo readjusted himself in his pants. His wings had gone from expanded in their rapture to tight against his shoulder blades. “Let me explain.”

“Nah, I think I have enough of an explanation with what I just saw.” You stared at the tiling of the floor. “Get out.”

The door slammed, the woman having dashed before Keigo, running from whatever maelstrom was about to occur.

“Please, dove, give me five minutes, I promise,” Keigo pleaded, taking a step towards and reaching out. Maybe a day or two ago, your ignorance and his touch would’ve felt like heaven after so much separation, 

But, now?

You retreated backward, rubbing at your eyes.

Keigo’s arms fell to his sides. 

“Fuck your promises, Keigo,” You managed to sputter out through your tears. “Get the fuck out of here.”

There was a lull. Maybe he was still desperately reaching for words and gloss to smooth this all over like he was so good at doing.

Maybe, that was why disappointment and grief flooded your lungs and chest as he silently rerobed, exiting your home without another word. 

[silverlight-iza]

If - (Jinyoung X OC)

Genres: Angst Word count: 3.2k

“You know what’s the best way to die early?” I hear someone whispering to me as my lids feel heavy and the darkness looms over my head. I open my mouth to say something but my throat feels sore from all the alcohol and my lips bruised from kissing random girls, trying to forget her. So I wait silently for the person to continue. 

“It’s to love someone who doesn’t love you back.” The words are etched upon my memories and my heart. 

I wake up with a start, sweats of bead all over my forehead, my breath ragged and my vision hazy. I bring my hands to my eyes and gently rub them until I can see clearer. 

I move to see the person lying besides me. She’s still here, I think with a burning ache inside my chest. I reach out my hand to remove the few strands of her beautiful golden brown hair away from her forehead. She’s sleeping soundly. I smile before getting out of the bed slowly and carefully so I don’t wake her up. 

I go to the bathroom and then head down to the kitchen to prepare her breakfast. She likes my cooking. She has always loved it. I start preparing her favourite: scrambled eggs and pancakes. 

I am placing the plates on the table when she comes downstairs with her bed hair, a goofy smile over her lips. She looks so cute. I shake my head, grinning. She must have come downstairs without even going to the bathroom. Did she want to see me when she woke up and when I wasn’t there?

“You made this for me?” She asks in her sweet honey voice and I nod my head before walking up to her.

“I am the one who should be cooking for us,” she whines childishly. I chuckle before wrapping both of my arms around her small frame and lean my head closer to plant a small kiss on her forehead. 

“Good morning to you too!” My tone is cheerful, she isn’t able to tell the fake-ness. She grins and lightly pecks me on the lips. 

“Morning! I’ll go and wash up. Be right back.” She pulls away and runs back upstairs while I go back to the dinner table and seat myself. My coffee cup is sitting in front of me and my phone right next to it, already vibrating from all the messages my friends have been sending. I pick it up as I wait for her to come back. 

I open the group chat and am immediately bombarded my the messages from my friends.

JS: How did the night go? (≧∀≦)

M: Shut up Jackson. 

BB: y r u askng bout da night? ◑○◑

JB: Dnt talk lik dat Bb.

YJ: As if youre any better.

.

.

.

.

.

.

JS: Tell me~ @(·o·)@

YG: Im also vry curious.

.

.

.

JB: Ignre dose ppl Jinyoung.

My eyes can’t roll any further back as I skim through the endless amount of text messages. I sigh because I don’t really have the time to read all of those because I notice footsteps coming down. I put the phone back and lift my head to see Mina coming my way.

^^

We’re on our way to meet the guys because they’ve been bugging my nonstop to introduce Mina to them. She only saw them briefly on the wedding and she doesn’t know them otherwise. I place my free hand over hers and give it a soft squeeze.

“Are you nervous?” I ask. 

“No … maybe. But what if they don’t like me?” she breathes out and I can tell she’s nervous by the way she’s fidgeting. I squeeze a little tighter. 

“They’ll love you,” I assure her with a smile and she turns to look at me. “I’m sure you’ll be alright. You’re perfect, Mina. Nobody can’t not like you.” She seems a little happier as I tell her this. I stop the car right in  front of the cafe that we’re supposed to meet at and ask Mina to get off.

“Wait. I’ll come back after parking the car.” 

“Let’s go,” I slip my hand in Mina’s and pull her inside the cafe with me. I’m so familiar with the place that even the man behind the counter recognises me and sends me a smile after noticing Mina and I. In the farthest corner, I see the six boys sitting on a table and we head towards it. Yugyeom is the first to notice us.

“Hyung!” He says cheerfully and starts waving his hand enthusiastically. The others whip their heads towards us after hearing Yugyeom. 

“Hi,” I say with a smile.

“Sweet muffins! Does your wife get prettier by the second? Because she’s even prettier than yesterday.” Jackson decides to comment shameless and Mina ducks her head down in embarrassment. Mark nudges the male in the ribs and he scowls.

“Have a seat guys.” Jae bum motions his hands towards the two seats and we sit down. 

“Mina, this is JaeBum, Yugyeom, YoungJae, Bambam, Jackson and Mark and guys this is Mina, my wife.” I gesture my finger towards the respective males and Mina mumbles a small hello and nice to meet you to all of them individually. She’s really shy. 

Although I have known Mina longer than I have known these guys, I didn’t introduce them to each other. Theres no special reason but just a thing I tend to do. Not mixing my friends. I once had a terrible experience when the two people became better friends and I was left behind. Albeit theres no chance of that happening now. These guys are like my brothers and Mina, well, I know she’s not going anywhere now that we’re married.

“You guys took so long so that’s why already ordered. I hope you don’t mind,” Mark says, grinning as he places a chip inside his mouth and Mina speaks, “No thats alright. I’m sorry that you had to wait.” She’s smiling now. That makes me happy. Now that she’s my family, I want her to be happy even if the reason of her happiness isn’t me.

Mina and I got married not because of my love for her, but because of our parents. I know that the sad reality is, she doesn’t love me like I love her. She loves me as a friend. And if her parents had not asked her to marry me, she would had never said yes.

^^

It’s a month after our marriage and Mina’s been getting along with the guys extremely well. Today we’re at Mark’s house for a Saturday movie night and Mina seems extremely happy. She’s almost jumping with excitement as Mark opens the door to invite us in.

“You’re here!” He says and lets us in. I wave my hand slightly and enter with Mina. We head towards the living room and find Jackson sitting there on the couch eating something. 

“You’re already here?” I ask but before Jackson can say anything, Mark says, “He practically lives with me. He never leaves.” as he glares at Jackson who only sticks his tongue out like a child. Mina giggles before seating herself down next to Jackson.

“I do not. And hey you’re here.” Jackson finishes stuffing the fish taco inside his mouth and grins at Mina. I follow Mark inside the kitchen. He’s taking out popcorn packets from the cupboards when he notices me.

“I’m glad Mina’s getting along with everyone.” I nod my head in agreement and add, “Especially you.” Mark’s smile falls away for a second. 

“I guess … ” He looks away and turns to the microwave. “Jackson call the others already!” He shouts over his shoulder and Jackson yells back from the living room an okay.

I am leaving the kitchen when Mina enters, all smiles. She brushes past me and goes to Mark. 

“Can I help you with something?” She asks with a cheery tone and Mark raises his head to look at me. He looks at me like he’s asking for permission. I don’t understand. I swallow hard but say nothing and leave.

I squeeze myself between Jae Bum and Jackson after everyone arrives and settles in the living room. The lights are out and I’m assuming thats because we’re watching a horror movie. I’m not to happy about the fact because I know Mina doesn’t enjoy horror movies. I glance at her, seated next to Mark on the carpeted ground with Bambam on the other side. She’s smiling heavenly and hasn’t even noticed the dark. They’re chatting about something in hushed voices. I scowl but stop the negative thoughts forming inside my head. She just clicks well with Mark and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I sit restlessly throughout the first half of the movie. I am being so annoying that even Jackson has to ask me to stop moving. I am restless because I know a jump scare is about to come. I’m sure of it. And I’m uneasy because I am aware of the fact that Mina will react to it. I want to be the one sitting next to her. I want to be the one she jumps into when she gets scared but I don’t say anything. My lips are pressed into a hard line and I say nothing. There’s this feeling inside me that is so sure that Mina will reject my offer to sit next to her. She’ll say its fine when its not. But I keep quiet. 

I sink back into the couch, my eyes glued to Mina. A scream erupts from her side and I find Bambam shouting, almost standing up with fear when a figure appears on the screen. My eyes go back Mina and she is still. Maybe she didn’t get scared, I think in relief.

Maybe I’m being weird. I focus my attention back to the movie which has almost reached its climax. The main lead is slowly walking towards the spooky room at the end of the hallway. She places her hand on the door knob and twists it open, another dismembered and horrifying person pops out and Jackson screams directly into my ear. 

Jae Bum groans and smacks Jackson in the back of his head and he winces in pain. I can hear the maknae line stifling their laughter and Mark chuckles loudly. I look at him and he has in arm wrapped protectively around Mina. I clench my jaw. Her head is buried into his shoulder and she’s letting out a muffled cry. I knew she gets scared easily. Mark pats her back.

“Are you okay, noona?” Before I can open my mouth, YoungJae asks her. 

Mina retreats her head and nods her head, “I get scared easily,“ she admits and gets up. 

“Where are you going?” I ask, standing up from my spot. 

“The bathroom,” she replies in a soft tone and I move up to her, grabbing her forearm.  The guys have paused the video briefly to observe us.

“Follow me,” I say before pulling her with me to the bathroom. 

“Are you okay? We can go home if you want to,” I say quickly as soon as I see her exit the bathroom. She grimaces.

“It’s fine.”

“We can go. It’ll be fine. We don’t have to stay.” 

“I said it’s alright, Jinyoung. And I’m sure Mark wouldn’t like us leaving like this in the middle of the movie night. It’s just a movie. I can handle it.” Her tone is almost aggravated and I frown.

“Okay whatever you say.” I shrug and follow after her back to the living room.

“Noona~ Hurry up. Mark hyung didn’t let us continue until you came back,” Yugyeom whines childishly and I notice Mina smiling at Mark.

“Well…I’m back now.”

^^

I am coming downstairs when I notice Mina standing by the front door, all dolled up. My brow raises in curiosity.

“Are you going somewhere, Mina?” I ask in a quiet tone as I make my way towards her, she’s on her phone — texting someone with a  big smile plastered on her face.

“Yes,” she replies distractedly. 

“Where?”

“Shopping with Suzy.” She shrugs, eyes still on the phone. I’m kind of irritated by the fact that she isn’t paying full attention to me but I remind myself not to be too greedy. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? Let me go grab my jacket, we’ll go together—“ I haven’t even completed myself when Mina’s head jerks in my direction, her eyes wide open.

“No,” she says harshly and I flinch, narrowing my eyes at her. This is new. She never spoke to me with such a rude tone so why now? 

“Why not?” I crease my brow. Mina rolls her eyes before speaking up, “You must remember the last time we went shopping.”

I purse my lips, “What about it?” I try to remember and get her hint but nothing special pops up except for…

“The time when some guy was harassing you?”

Mina exhales exasperatedly and her hand is on her forehead now, massaging her temples. “Yes that time, when you embarrassed me.”

“Embarrassed you—? Mina, I was defending you from that guy. What are you trying to say?”

“I know your intentions weren’t bad but look. It was a small incident and I could’ve easily shrugged it off but you had to make it a big deal by punching that guy. I can’t take you with me today in case you try and be a hero again,” She says as if everything was my fault. 

Was I wrong by defending her? Did I commit a sin by trying to save her?

My throat feels dry as I stare at Mina with sadness filled in my eyes. I’m unable to say anything.

“How about you go out with the guys while I go shopping, hm? I don’t want to fight over this, kay? I’m going now. See you later.” She clearly doesn’t see the hurt in my eyes as she cups my face and leans to kiss my nose — I can’t help but feel like she’s treating me like a child.

I stay frozen to the ground as I see her leave, closing the door behind her and saying a small and forced, “Goodbye.”

^^

I am roaming the quiet streets of Seoul in the night, looking for a gift for Mina’s upcoming birthday. I was on a trip to Hawaii and came back today but no one was home. She didn’t pick her phone up. It might be because I came a day earlier and Mina isn’t aware. I tried calling her but the mobile’s turned off. I decided that I should take this time until she gets back home or calls me back to look for her birthday present. So that’s what I am doing right now as I enter into a toy shop. 

I remember Mina loving all things childish so I plan on buying her a big teddy bear or something similar. I walk down one of the aisles filled with different kinds of stuffed toys. My eyes stop at a doll with big blue eyes and rosy lips. She has curly brown hair and I smile to myself because she reminds me of Mina. She used to have a doll like this, taking it everywhere with her.

I reach out to pick it up. 

“Aren’t you too old for this?” I hear someone say from behind so I turn around and find myself looking into a pair of dark chocolate eyes. My brow shots up and I squint my eyes at the name tag she is wearing. 

“I don’t think you’re supposed to say that too your customers.” I hear her snort.

I give her a pointed look before placing it back. “I’m looking for a big white bear for my wife.” I grin at her and she brings her hand to her chin, tapping it.

“I swear I’ve seen it here around somewhere.” Is she being serious or is just kidding me? Does my face say it so clearly that I need cheering up. If that’s so, then why hasn’t anybody else noticed.

“Follow me,” She says with a sigh and we walk towards the last aisle and I find the perfect bear I’ve been looking for.

“I’ll buy this, Ms. HyoSung.” 

Mina and I almost reach home at the same time, she’s getting out of someone’s car when I turn around the corner. I recognise the car as Mark’s. I immediately frown. Was she with him?

She gets out and then walks over to his side, Mark rolls the windows down and I can see him smiling at her. My grip on the teddy bear tightens and my heart aches as Mina leans down to kiss Mark’s nose. I stand there frozen as Mina walks back to the front door of our house and Mark’s car drives past me, he doesn’t even notice me. 

I suddenly feel how cold the air is. I shiver and there’s a stinging pain in my chest. My hands clutches the coat I’m wearing and I feel I can’t breathe. It’s like the air has been knocked out of my lungs, it has left me empty.

^^

“I saw you with Mark … yesterday …,” I manage to choke out over breakfast. I can’t even look straight into her eyes. It hurts. Everything hurts. It’s like I’m drowning. But like always, she’s unable to see my pain.

I know I’m the one at fault. Because I should’ve expected this. Heck, I did. But it still hurts. My breathing is shallow.

Upon hearing me, the glass from Mina’s hands slips and it falls on the floor, shattering into a million pieces just like my heart. She turns around slowly, her expression is mortified. I don’t want her to feel that way.

“I- Jinyoung! I—“ I swallow and stand up. Her eyes are wide and I know she’s scared. 

“It’s okay, Mina,” I breathe out. Mina rushes towards me, circling her arms around me from behind. 

“No no no…! It’s not like that Jinyoung! I swear there’s nothing between us!” There’s a pang in my heart as Mina starts sobbing. 

I turn around, also wrapping my arms around her small shaking frame. 

“I’m sorry Jinyoung! So sorry! I swear you’re the only one for me!” She buries her head in my chest, crying loudly. 

My hands move under her chin and I lift her face up, trying to shush her. “I know I’m not.” I cast my gaze onto the ground, where the glass shreds are. I glanced back up at Mina whose eyes are red and swollen now. She’s looking up at with a pained expression.

What she did, does and will do doesn’t matter to me, I am willing to forgive anything. It doesn’t hurt, what hurts is the lie.

“Mina … don’t lie to me and please … don’t lie to yourself.”

[be-awake]

A&B

Looking back at everything, over the years I've known him and the years he has stolen my heart and soul. We used to talk, alot , and anyway we possibly could. We had this problem though of running away from one another when one of us would get too close to the other. We have been so destroyed by other humans who have claimed to love us ,and with that painful break we learned how to run away as fast as we could if anyone no matter who it was, once they got that close to us we ran fast and hard to get away. Also over the years, we got closer, became better friends, best friends. We listened to one another better, stood up for each other no matter what it was that they did wrong or good to someone we always stuck up for each other and we did it from more than 1,000 miles+ apart or just a few minutes drive down the street. We gave our friendship our all. We gave each other a love that not even us understood. However once that closeness came even between us we still ran, no matter how painful it was, we still ran. The silence over 2 1/2 years was hard. Life changed alot for the two of us in our separate lives.My mind would constantly wonder and think about him. The thought ran through my mind, down to my heart , then exploded into my soul. My love for this human, this wonderful man, my best friend was so intense I could feel his energy. It freaked me out because I could only feel him when we lived in the same state. However, to my knowledge he lived in many states across the U.S from Utah. Well turns out I was very wrong, and my soul was right. He was home. I can't remember who contacted whom first, or how we contacted one another, but it was like clock work. I felt his energy and it was not even a day, more like hours and we were talking like he had never left. Back to where we left off.. except he was committed.  Just my luck right?! Broke me so bad, but I stayed. I missed my friend. It was so nice to wander the city and take photos of whatever. Just being with him was all I honestly cared about. Hearing him talk, sing, watching him be a complete goofball was wonderful. For how empty I felt before that day from my divorce , was so dark and depressing. He lit up my life, my heart, my soul once again. It was so nice to be happy, to be light on my feet. It was the most unexplainable feeling I've ever had to just have my best friend back. Then I found out he was engaged to this girl. I swallowed my pride, I was happy for him that he was for once happy and going to settle down. That didn't last long. As we know, a few months passed by and we started talking again and this time we got pretty damn close, and not just friends either. We fell for each other hard.  Again.  But neither one of us was willing to run. After a few amazing months, I'm unclear of what all happened or why we stopped talking. We didn't run, we just faded. 

      It was strange.

                                   We had very little contact from October 2017 to  September of last year, 2019, Then either the day before or after or even on Thanksgiving he had me come over. He was drunk as he tended to be from time to time. He and I talked, we cuddled and one thing led to another. 

                    ....Breath...

 I remember waking up next to him; Best warm fuzziest ever. The ones he makes me feel are out of this world, no way to explain them because you can't. It's just love honestly.  Our bodies entangled together. His skin was like magic to me. I've never experienced bliss before until this moment. Sense then we have been inseparable, until well after my birthday in April this year things drastically changed. He was doing something more positive for himself to better his health. So from April 15,2020  today, May 23, 2020,  it has been hard for me and possibly him as well. I just don't know because he doesn't talk to me much anymore, even when I'm sitting next to him. We hardly talk, touch, look at each other, goof off, kiss, make love/have sex, hug, hold hands. Kisses on the forehead have stopped, texting slowed wayy the fuck down, open communication came to a halt; which was weird cuz he and I a few days before my birthday talked about how happy we were that we could come together sit down and talk about anything and everything no matter what it was about. He and I could talk about it, work through it and get through anything. Now... With all this change, he doesn't talk about anything hardly ever. He avoids me when I bring up things that bother me, doesn't answer any real serious question I ask or text him about. He hardly is exciting to have me come over when we couldn't wait for our weekends or our Tuesday nights for our time together. I feel like I bug him even when he says I don't bother him. His body language says so differently. So I'll stay from Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon then I  go home. When I would get to him the first thing always was a kiss and hug hello. Come Monday it was always a hug and kiss goodbye however we never wanted to let go, or have me go home. He used to tell me that I was home so I didn't need to go home. His home was my home and he wanted to keep it that way because he hated how he felt when I wasn't there with him. Now; I go over there and no hug, no kiss just a hi how are you? That's it. No excited ness in his voice. He now asks me when I think I'm going home. Or how long I'm staying this time.. we hardly ever shower together, craft together. However , we have had a few nights by the fire but with like 5 to 10 feet between us. The silence that I could hear past the fire crackling and making its own little firework show, was painful. I sat by myself hardly on my phone. While he was always checking his phone or playing a game as he sat farway but next to me while I stared and watched the fire. I thought my heart breaking deafening, I was wrong. To me he didn't notice, he didn't care. Because even if he couldn't hear it, anyone who is connected to any human like he and I are.  You would feel it, you could see it. Yet he said nothing nor did he ask. Once we went inside he was quick to go take a warm bath upstairs which I can't ever join him...ever.  I don't take baths at home cuz my tub is tiny and it doesn't stay warm for nothing. However he and I used to love taking baths together all the time. Shit I remember one time tell him no it was okay that's just he goes to take one and I'd wait for him. He looked at me with the most shocked face, grabbed my wrist to pull me closer to him. He grabbed my waist and threw me over his shoulder and took me into the bathroom, locked the door and told me I was going to take a cuddle bath with him because that's what we do. I laughed so hard just because of how he said it. Mind you this man, this human, I would move mountains for. He is the first person I have ever had in my life who accepted me 2000% and I accepted him 2000% flaws and all.  Anyhow back to where I was; We cuddle like maybe 10% of the time when we sleep. Before we always made sure that even if we couldn't cuddle some part of our body or skin was touching the whole night. Most nights he either had me pulled so close into his body with his arms wrapped around me, not letting go. Or I held him so close into me and my arms wrapped so tight around him. 

 It's rare that this happens anymore.

......breath.....

 I feel so broken; like it's my fault.  anytime I bring it up or ask about us and what is kinda eating at my brain.. he says we are good and that he loves me . So things have changed. I just think he lost the spark he used to get with me. What changed everything, was he decided to make a change for his health and stopped drinking and smoking. He has over a month sober from drinking and about 3 weeks of no smoking. I couldn't be more proud of him. He was so unsure if he could do it again. He has blown me away with how much he has been working out. We go on walks that aren't very talkative and silent. He is just less interested in us. In me. I feel like because if you were in my shoes..how would you feel with such a drastic change? However he still has his moments that last a few minutes to maybe a few hours and only for one day possibly two; if I'm lucky but never the whole time I'm there like it used to be, then back to what he is doing. He has these raspberry moments, like the raspberry you give people on their tummies to tickle them. Well I'm a very ticklish person, he does this and doesn't stop. I can't stop laughing, I can't breath, due to my laughter, we are having a blast. I can't complain because I've missed this terribly. Then he stops, then it goes silent again in the room around js.. Also mind you we haven't really kissed or made love in over a month. He says it's his antidepressants which it very much could be and he has told me that. However with everything else I feel like I'm not enough. That I'm not what he wants anymore. Oh side note I gave him a ring that means alot to me because it is a ring that I designed for him years ago when we first got together. I was planning on breaking the rules . Before he moved years ago I was going to ask him to marry me. Well, when he found the box in my room, he opened it and looked at it. Asking me who it was and if it was my ex husband. I told him it was what I had made for you. He was shocked, and put it on. We exchanged small vows, and it was just us, because that all we needed was us. No paperwork because you don't need a piece of paper to tell you how much you love someone. 

He used to wear his ring  all the time, every day 24/7, he never claimed that the ring bugged him either. Now, he hardly wears it . Complains that it bugs him because he normally doesn't wear any jewelry except his Celtic cross; which we both have one. I fell in love with it, and copied him. If I remember correctly he gave me mine after we were together for 4 or 6  months but I am not forsure on that.So I feel awful that I did this a few weeks ago...

 I took his ring one day to see if he would notice at all. He didn't. I was fucking broken. One weekend I was over there after having his ring all week, and him unaware that I took it. He showered, then got dressed and asked if I had seen his ring? I played dumb and told him no. He started to panic a little, continuing looking for it, as he was looking he told me how he took it off this morning to do yoga because he got all sweaty and he didn't want to loose it; mind you I wasn't there this morning when he did yoga, I got there in the late afternoon. So him telling me this, I thought well fuck maybe he may really want to wear it this time, I was excited about this thought.  I told him I'd look in his closet because maybe it was on his dresser in there. Also side note his ring was in my pocket this whole time as he is sitting there looking for his ring and lying to me.  So I walk into his closet, pretend to find it. He walked over so quickly. Hugged me kissed my forehead and said he loved me and didn't know what he would have done if he lost that ring because it means everything to him. At this point I feel like it doesn't mean anything to him. He didn't worry about it till after I was there a couple of hours and also didn't notice it wasn't there for a whole week.  Next time I took it,it was on his bookshelf, it had been for a few days. I was struggling so I wore it to feel him.. his love, his energy. I forgot I was wearing it and went home with it on. Few days passed, I was getting ready to head over to his house and I told him how I had his ring, and also why I had it. Again his ring was missing, The ring he loved so much and felt empty when he didn't have it on. Well again, I had it he didn't know until I told him I had it because I forgot I wore it when I was depressed and couldn't get out of a very dark place.. Not once did he ask if I had seen it or anything.. sure tells me alot when he didn't worry about it for a week or a little bit longer than a week. The next day he and his mom went out thrift shopping. I chose not to go because of the current state my mind was in. While they were gone I decided to place his ring on his speaker, right by his side of his bed. When he returned home I was gardening with his dad outside. Once we both went back down to his room, he noticed his ring . He thanked me for giving it back. Then in the next ten minutes it wasn't on the speaker anymore, the whole weekend I looked to see if he was wearing it, he wasn't, and he still isn't. So where it disappeared to is beyond me. Also he doesn't send me funny, cute,sexy photos of himself at all anymore. We used to send them to each other all the time. Sadly I've stopped sorta because I get responses like "having fun?" Or no response at all... NVM I've written a lot and I have 1 follower. I just needed to get this out and off my chest. I honestly have no one to vent this to. He said I can always vent to him, and I've tried with this before but I guess it's all in my head because he won't ever really talk about it or answer anything anymore... It honestly ripped my heart out, tearing my soul to tiny bits. He doesn't see all this, that I'm going through or experiencing and it's like he doesn't care. I just need reassuring that this isn't all in my head and that he still loves me and wants to be with me. He also is avoiding me when I ask if I can come over or when I can see him next. This has been the first week like a full week that we haven't seen each other. He hardly texts or calls or responds to my texts and it kills me. It kills me to think that he is done. But treating someone like this and how it makes me feel is uncalled for, also unnecessary to do to someone who you love mind, heart and soul. It fucks a human up. Drives them insane. But what do I do if I am wrong? What if this is all in my head and things are only going this way because I'm projecting them? I honestly need someone to see this, a stranger, a human, alien, anybody. I need an answer to this issue that I'm experiencing. I need a human to talk to that isn't scared to talk to me like I feel like he is. I can't take this. I need to know if I am projecting and fucking shit up or if he really doesn't give a shit and doesn't love me but doesn't have the balls to tell me and end it.

I hate saying let alone think that.

Thank you for hearing me vent and what not. I just need someone, anyone. So I'm begging anyone, I wouldn't care if he stumbled upon this himself and read it. Maybe if I was lucky he would respond to it, to prove to me that I'm projecting and to knock this shit off because he truly loves me . If he does find this and read it I hope he proves to me that he loves me and cares because my brain is evil all the time and I've just needed an amazing hug and one life changing kiss like he used to give me daily. I don't want to lose him. I love him with everything I am. I just can't handle this pain. 

P.S. 

B- I love you with everything I am. I want this to work. I can't be silent. I hope this gets your attention finally because I can't keep ignoring this, whether it's just my evil brain projecting or if you're really done. I need to know please because it's breaking everything I am. I love you. Forever and a day. Always. Xoxo A

[sahrarobinson-blog]

First love

Hello lovelies, So its the first and official day of my 100 days of writing. I honestly don't know where this will take me but YOLO. So lets get right to it.

I've fallen in-love before and hard ASF. Like I really, really,really,really loved this boy. (Just a back story of how I met my first ). I won't lie In my high school I was known as the female player (I know its weird but I did it anyway). I could never stick with one guy, (no I never went sexually I just never felt anything for them). so I remember once our school had an MUN (Model United Nation) so after our MUN was done we had this party and I had to go since I was the ''bartender'' for the night. So I remember I went to my teacher asking for ice because we ran out, as I was walking back to my station I bumped into this boy and I was hella pissed I was '' Oh hell naw you just spilt coke on my Js'' this stupid cow looked down and looked me in my eyes and said '' You're not even wearing Js" I was speechless not only  did I embarrass myself in-front of a really hot guy but I had coke all over me but at least my eyeliner was on point. ANYWAY, I ended up changing into one of my friends clothes and I headed out to the party. I was doing the usual, dancing, chatting, making fun of people dancing, you get the point don't you? I decided to take selfies with some people and I did, after a while I got tired so I sat down and was looking around, the boy who spilt the drink on my clothes caught my attention and he  was starting to look really attractive. So I gathered up the courage to walk up to him and ask for a selfie and we chatted for a bit. I found him really cute in his suit and his messy black hair. I guess it was his smile and voice that captivated me at the time. We kept talking for hours that night. I did the stupidest thing a girl could ever do I didn't ask him for his damn number. I must have been star struck that night, beside the point I left the party thinking of him. The entire night while I was bed I was thinking of him. I was like damn Sahra get a grip since when did you think about boys. That night I went to bed thinking about him.

 6 months later I was transferring high school so I was just casually scrolling through my friends Instagram when I saw him profile. The lord has blessed me that day, I was blessed, I as so effing happy so I asked my friend for his number her and I texted him when I got home literally five minutes later he texted me back , Bruh when I say I was on cloud nine I was like floating in the sky kinda feeling. So we texted for hours and hours and hours until we both fell asleep while texting each other 😂. ( at this time he was heading over to college in Boston oh wait I forgot to tell you this we were from the same city) So we kept texting for about 8 months. (This part my sound cliche but it actually happened) It was raining and it around 11 at night and I saw this picture of him and another girl in his dorm chilling I don't know why but it really broke my heart. I never felt this type of way for anyone. I texted him asking who the girl was and replied after TWO FUCKING DAYS, The boy replied after two days iI was like I ain't replying but I knew my stupid ass was going reply, so I did but I kept is short and sassy. Do you what that boy did?? he had the audacity to ask me why I was acting like this? I was like bish what you just ask me? In my head I was like " Dear lord please forgive for the sins I've committed and the sins I'll commit tonight, Amen'' I left him voice note of me screaming at him and insulting him, not only did I insult him but insult that hoe he was with that night. Girlll you'll never guess what he did, You know what he did? He laughed at me. I'm staring at my phone like the boy  just lost his damn mind. I started crying like I was full on crying so I called him and I started yelling at him again  and he was just silent the entire time, when I was done yelling and crying he asked me in this really calm voice "Sahra why did that picture bother you so much" I didn't say anything for 3 minutes. he asked me again I replied and I told him I loved him. I really loved that boy and until this day I still do. when people would tell me you can never feel the first love twice it was true.

So here is my story about my first love. I really hope you guys enjoyed leave comments down below telling me what part was your favorite. Cya soon💋

XOXOX Sahra Robisnon