#I also have a lot of feelings about gideon in her villain era so yeah

[ridrawsart]

Thinking about Kiriona Gaia and Harrow the First. Thinking about an AU where they met. Thinking about how tragic of a dynamic that would've been. Thinking of what it'd be like to be in love with a girl that can't even remember you and respects you because you're prince to the empire but hates being around you because every time she is she gets massive headaches and starts to bleed from her ears.

Just girly things.

[douxreviews]

Legends of Tomorrow - ‘Nip/Stuck’ Review

"Gary Green is all the man we need."

This episode title got about 1000% funnier after the reveal of Gary's evil nipple last week.

I'm just saying.

Technically, this week's title only represents two out of the three plotlines. What we really get is more like Nip/Stuck/Sunday in the park with Neron, but it's hard to complain too much about it since it's both a solid joke and a pleasant reminder that the show Nip/Tuck was a thing once. Plus, and it hurts me to say this, the Constantine stuff was really the weakest of the three plotlines.

That's probably a good place to start. At the end of the last episode, Neron-in-Ray's-Body teleported away from the Waverider taking with him Gary and Constantine. I actually missed, at the time, that John had been taken with them, and so I was a little confused when we opened in the ice age with Him and Neron and no Gary in sight. That said, they cleared up pretty quickly that Gary had been sent to the Time Bureau, although why Neron would bother to do this was a little unclear at first.

Gradually, however, one thing became very clear. Neron is probably the most competent villain that the Legends have ever encountered, and his 'to do' list is shockingly task oriented. What Neron wants, ultimately, is his lady friend Tabitha to be released from Hell. Once she's out there's probably some idea about conquest and domination, but for now all we really see is Neron being laser focused on getting her out. Seriously though, how nice would it be if step two was just him and Tabitha taking a nice vacation in the wine country and getting a couples massage?

In any case, Neron has clearly taken a moment to troubleshoot his plan, because he's very efficiently begun from 'the Legends will try to stop me', reasoned that forcing John to use his magic over a very large trap will be a nice way to get them out of the way, foresaw the hitch of the Legends just calling the Time Bureau to rescue them and headed that off by getting Gary on his side and having him make the Time Bureau unavailable to help.

So, despite how things look at first glance, all three of the plotlines this week are just three different pieces of the same plan, and neither Neron nor the show feel any need to overtly point that out. Indeed, the most impressive part of Neron's plan such as we see it this week is just how not flashy it is. He's not showing off for anyone or trying to impress his enemies, or any of those common villain-flaws. He's efficiently anticipating threats and neutralizing them while simultaneously maneuvering John into the position of either allowing both himself and an innocent to be sent to hell, or to stabilize the portal to Hell which will allow Tabitha to come back to him.

And the ultimate result of this well prepared and competently executed plan? He wins. Absolutely, 100% Neron achieves exactly what he intended to do, with no hiccups whatsoever. There are precisely two things that happen which Neron didn't intend, and neither of them matters to him in the slightest. The Legends manage to escape from their snowy grave and Constantine decides to swan dive into hell to save Ray, and neither otf those things matter, as they have zero impact on Tabitha's successful escape.

The Swan dive into Hell was a nice resolution to a theme that's been bubbling away under John's plotline. He's repeated many times that he's a complete bastard, that he's a monster, that he's a horrible person. Because believing that about himself is kind of Constantine's character brief. But the emotional climax of that theme was probably the easiest thing to miss in this episode. We're told that the Puca only mirrors those that are around it. If you're angry, it's angry, If you're violent, it's violent. And when it's alone with John, it's kind. Judging from the look on John's face when the Puca heals his forehead, he didn't miss the significance. That's what brought about the change of heart that led him, the first one to board the 'Ray's gone and never coming back' train, to jumping into Hell to bring back his friend.

That's just a really solid emotional through line.

Meanwhile, The Waverider is trapped below 500-odd feet of snow during the ice age. Sara immediately makes the logically correct choice to turn power down to minimum so that they can conserve it as long as possible while they slowly freeze to death while bickering. How nice was it, by the way, that they were all wearing spare Captain Cold jackets because Snart left a supply of spares. That was just adorable.

It's easy to give Ray short shrift as compared to his team-mates. He's the sunny, optimistic one, and that's a character type that it's just way too easy to make fun of these days. Character's like Mick and Sara, with all their gruff cynicism are just more fun to watch, we tend to think. How wonderful is it, then, that the secret to the Waverider's escape was to find and embrace their inner Ray, turning the heat back up to full and determining to enjoy each other for as long as they can, because even if all they have is each others company, that is not nothing. The answers in the Cards to Save the Timeline game were a little on the nose, but I don't care. The Legends were saved by the magic power of optimism and friendship, and that's just fine by me. We need more of that. Also, please mass produce that card game, I want to play it.

Which leaves us with Gary and his hypno-nipple, Stepford Wife-ing his way through the Time Bureau and interrupting Nora's new hire paperwork. This is basically your by the numbers 'all of your friends are being turned against you, one by one' template, although it's very well done. It also must have been nice for Adam Tsekhman to get to shake things up in his portrayal of Gary, although I do wonder if he was told early on just how much of the plotline this year was going to be driven by his nipple. I feel like that would be a weird burden to carry. It's thematically pleasant that this plotline too was solved by remembering that you aren't alone. In this case, Mona and Wolfie. It would appear that Wolfie is essentially a separate personality from Mona, and can take control of just portions of her body to communicate, which is interesting.

So, three distinctly separate plot threads, all of which are really just different parts of the same plot thread, all of which essentially boil down to the idea that 'friendship is good'.

This episode just works really, really well.

Everybody remember where we parked:

The first stop for both Neron and the Waverider is the Donner Pass in the Ice Age. This is little less precise than they usually get, as there were at least five ice ages, and they tended to last for a little while. Things get a little more specific when the Legends trace John's magic and realize that he's 1.3 million years in the past, but that still seems like a suspiciously round number.

It also begs the question of whether the Donner Pass would actually exist 1.3 million years ago. Wikipedia assures me that the Sierra Nevada range began it's uplift 4 million years ago, so it's theoretically possible, I suppose. But let's be honest, they really only set things there for the sake of a few cannibalism jokes.

Next, Neron takes john to a 'Celtic village' in 55 BCE. That's 'Before Current Era', which is an alternative phrasing to B.C. although they both refer to more or less the same thing. It's a little odd that a show that's already confirmed the existence of Christ would use the more neutral term.

Quotes:

Nate: "And who knows what he’s doing in Rays name, or his perfectly grass fed organic butter-body."

Nate: "What do we do till then?" Zari: "Stress eat." Mick: "Drink." Charlie: "Yeah, how’ve you lot survived until now?"

Gary: "Let’s rap for a sec." Mona: "Is Gary cool now?" Co-worker: "That’s impossible."

Gary: "No need to stress. Unless your infraction is looking too good in that suit. Agent Reyes knows what I’m talking about." Mona: "Oh my god, I think she just swooned."

Sara: "There is such a thing as too much exposition, Gideon."

Nora: "My forms keep getting rejected because records show I’m fifteen and living in a mental institution."

Charlie: "Good thing that this Snart bloke kept a supply of supply of jackets though, innit? They smell good, too, actually. What is that, is that sandalwood?"

Sara: "Look, I know that book convention was important to you. And I’m really glad you got to go." Mick: "I’m glad you have Ava."

Sara: "Look, Ray would want us to have faith that we will escape. He wouldn’t want us cold and miserable. So right now, we are going to enjoy our time together. Let’s go."

Wolfie: "You will do no more harm with your nip-ple!"

Ava: "It’s a long story, but Gary took over the bureau. He nip-notized everyone." Nate: "Yeah, you’re gonna have to explain that."

Bits and Pieces:

-- So Tabitha is the fairy godmother from 'Witch Hunt'. I did not see that coming. Did they meet in Hell after the team sent her there? Are fairy godmothers all really demons? I have so many questions.

-- They seem to have forgotten that Mick likes Ray. That was sad.

-- It's out of character for Mick to question Sara's decisions. That felt forced.

-- It appears that Wolfie ate Gary's Evil Nipple. Is Gary still evil? He did choose to go with Neron at the end.

-- 'Gary's Evil Nipple' is going to be the name of my new punk band.

-- Dragon eggs need more heat than that. They should be kept on a fire because their mothers breathe on them. Yes, I am a Ravenclaw.

-- It's surprising that we went anther week without Wixtable the Dragon hatching or becoming particularly relevant. Perhaps they're saving him for the finale.

-- Everybody knows that Zari and Nate are hooking up and responses are in the positive to indifferent range.

-- Neron slicing his own throat was a really nice effect. And of course John couldn't not stop him.

-- calling John 'Johnny' was Dez' thing, not really Neron's. It seems odd that Neron is still doing it.

-- Honestly, the gimmick of John's ancestor being the one who was persecuting the Puca felt a little gratuitous. Like, they really only did it because they thought it would be fun for Matt Ryan to play a different part for a bit.

-- 'Persecuting the Puca' is going to be the name of my new punk band.

-- Back in the day, the Hellblazer comic's letter page was constantly full of the debate about whether it was pronounced Constantine rhyming with 'mine' or Constantine rhyming with 'mean'. The publisher was very clear that it was 'mine'. I suspect we've ended up with the other pronunciation entirely because of the Keanu Reeves film, which isn't as bad as you remember by the way.

A deceptively elegantly structured episode that comes down whole-heartedly on the side of optimism. What's not to like?

Three and a half out of four creepy nipples.

'Creepy Nipples' is going to be the name of my new... oh, never mind.

Mikey Heinrich is, among other things, a freelance writer, volunteer firefighter, and roughly 78% water.

[douxreviews]

Charmed - Season Six Review

"It helps to be a sister."

With more plot holes than actual plot, some really questionable character arcs, and frustratingly inconsistent mythology, Season Six is undoubtedly one of Charmed's worst years.

Following the downward trajectory that began in the latter half of Season Five, we enter Season Six with the series in a state of confusion. Piper and Leo's separation is, unfortunately, the crux of the season, and the character responsible for all this - Chris - plays a frustratingly important role in the season as well. Portrayed by an actor with the charisma of a dead fish, and written with very little conviction, Chris is probably the worst major character the series ever introduced. As we watch the more familiar and, yes, admittedly bland Leo slowly grow apart from Piper and the sisters, we're forced to endure a very slow, and very odd reveal of Chris' true identity. Episodes like 'Chris Crossed' try to add depth to him, but the general confusion surrounding his place in the series make it more of a baffling watch than a satisfying one.

Initially coming across as somewhat of a villain, it's obvious that Holy Marie Combs' pregnancy threw the writers under the bus, with Chris' subsequent unveiling as Wyatt's brother raising more than a few questions about what came before it. Like why would Chris kill a Valkyrie with such reckless abandon in the season premiere, and why did he have to go through all the effort of enlisting a demon just to teach the sisters a lesson about their individual wants and desires in 'My Three Witches'? And how the hell did Drew Fuller ever get hired in the first place?

Chris' plan also required him to keep Piper and Leo apart so he could place himself close to Wyatt, but watching the separation unfold is a truly aggravating experience, especially when it felt neither organic, nor appropriate. There are a few parts of the season that try to toy with Piper's role as a single mother, though the inconsistent writing prevents most of these moments from hitting home. There are some admittedly strong scenes that explore Piper's pain over Leo's departure, notably in the premiere where Phoebe's new power of empathy allows her to feel the hurt and betrayal that Piper had been holding back for months thanks to a spell gone awry. Largely, though, the arc is a mess, and it’s a relief when it all comes to an end with baby Chris' birth in the finale.

Chris' plan to save Wyatt from getting corrupted by evil forces leads us to the show's first major antagonist since The Source; the misguided Elder, Gideon. His motives are flimsy as hell, but the presence of a primary villain is welcome in light of the reversion to a stand-alone narrative last season. The story never quite works, with Gideon's reasons for betraying the sisters and attempting to destroy Wyatt feeling a little unfounded. There are some interesting repercussions to his actions, though. Leo's decision to kill Gideon for betraying him essentially ends his time as a fully-fledged Elder, sending him down a dark path next season.

Outside of Piper and Leo's family drama, there are just as many issues to be found, with Phoebe's plots this season continuing her path to full-on narcissism. Gone are the days of the fun, relatable misfit. Now she's much more concerned with sperm hunting and using, abusing and later losing her new power of empathy to find said sperm. Bar a few fun moments, Phoebe is pretty abhorrent this season. It's hard to feel sympathy for her anymore, and most of the beats her arc hits feel like they're driving her character further and further into the ground. This season also marks the first instance of a tradition that lasts through to season eight; Phoebe's annual love interests. Here, it's a carry-over from last season; Jason Dean. He's mostly fine, though he falls squarely into the same category as most male characters on this series and becomes rather disposable. He eventually departs after finding out Phoebe's secret and he isn't missed.

Paige's decision to quit her job as a social worker last season is still causing her to drift from place to place. But rather than mooching around the manor honing her witchcraft as she did in Season Five, here she takes up temping, giving the writers a chance to throw her into a new and absurd situation each week. Some of these fall flat (hi, talking dog!), but some do lead to some genuinely intriguing situations, most notably in 'Love's a Witch', where Paige is caught in the middle of a magical family feud. The episode is decent enough, though it's more significant for its introduction of Paige's semi-recurring love interest, Richard. Initially appearing as a witch with a magic-averse attitude, we soon learn about his addiction to dark magic. There are some cool, dark little moments for Richard, but in general the plot is never fully realized and his addictions eventually drive him away from Paige. I think the biggest problem with Paige's weekly exploits is that each of them seem to emphasize how uneven she's become. At least her early episodes in Season Four are mostly consistent; you could really get to know her. Here she goes from peace-maker, to busybody, to activist, to floozy to a whole host of other things and it’s hard to get a read on who she is anymore, which is a huge disappointment.

It goes without saying that there are very few great episodes, this season. 'Love's a Witch' is one of them, as is the two-part season finale 'It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World'. The idea of dual realities is something that’s done a lot on other high concept shows, and it's explored in a fun and creative way, in this double lenghth episode. It also gives a choppy and dissatisfying season a remarkably poignant ending, with future Chris' death, and the birth of baby Chris. 'Forget Me... Not' is another highlight that has a lot of fun with a broken timeline, and it also features a cool little mystery that drives the hour to a crazy witch/dragon showdown.

Rare highlights aside, this season is a total mess. 'Witchstock' is a crock of an episode, where a wasted trip to the 60's feels like more of a chance to poke fun at the visuals of that era more than anything else. It's also completely devoid of any of the emotional resonance of 'That 70's Episode' back in Season One. 'Crimes and Witch Demeanours’ is a dull clip-show, that makes a half-hearted attempt to make amends for the girls' abuse of Daryl, who is at this point a walking, talking plot device. 'Prince Charmed' takes the cake, though (literally). It’s an abhorrent hour that features Phoebe and Paige acting like brain-dead bimbos, while Piper makes some really questionable choices about her love life and role as a single mother. It culminates in an embarrassing food fight that is hard to watch, not just because its an awfully written scene, but because it's hard to see three characters who were once so admirable acting like this. I feel so bad for Holly. She deserves so much better than this sub-par material.

Potions and Notions

The Cleaners pop up this season. Their job is to clean up whenever magic is exposed. Where were they when Prue and Piper were exposed on live TV in 'All Hell Breaks Loose'?

There's a weird separation story line that plays out mid-season when Phoebe and Paige decide to leave with their respective beaus. It wraps up without much fanfare when Phoebe splits from Jason, and Paige leaves Richard.

Spells and Chants

Piper: "Okay, neurotic people, can we get back to my neurosis right now, please?"

Piper: "Come to me and be seduced, I have a girl to introduce. Fall for her, you can't resist her, Trust me, mister, she's my sister."

Chris: "I'm Piper and Leo's son." Paige: "What?" Chris: "They're my parents. I came back to save my family." Paige:"You're serious." Chris: "Yeah. Only now I've gotta save myself. Because if my mom doesn't get pregnant in the next month, there is no me." Paige: "This is all so wrong!" I'm right there with you, Paige.

Best Episode: It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World.

Honorable Mentions: Forget Me... Not, Love's a Witch, I Dream of Phoebe.

Worst Episode: Prince Charmed.

It's a shame that the decision to return to a big bad formula is destroyed by clumsy plotting and hack dialogue. At least Chris' death gives the series the chance to move on from this mess next season and try something new.

4 out of 10 Valkyries.

Panda