#I am so tired from the job but inshallah I know this is right place for me.

[dashingwishes]

Guys I believe I got the job! They said you start on Monday! 💜✨😭

[feathersforthesoul]

I don't even know how to start off this school year. I know what I want to do. I want to create a safe place for my students to learn, play, and socialize. I want to get to know each and every one of them. I want them to have fun, laugh, and explore. I want to teach them how to cope with their emotions and how to be kind to each other. But I know what they're going to make me do. I'm going to have to start teaching the academic curriculums from day one. I'm going to be forced to begin teaching reading and math strategies before I even know what their smiles look like. I'm going to have to start testing their reading levels on the second or third day of school, and keep testing every week until the year is done. I'm going to have to come up with reading groups and separate the students into the "highs" and "lows". Because it's so great when a teacher labels an innocent 5 or 6 year-old as a "low" student, right? I am going to be forced to give them a standardized test by the second or third week, and give them other assessments that are truly a waste of time and energy. I'm going to have to look over so much dumb data, because a student's abilities are determined based on where their score is on a graph. They're in the bottom 30% on that test? They're at risk. Even if they are smarter than that stupid test showed us. They're going to force us to go to countless meetings and professional "development" that have no benefit to us or the students. If my students' test scores are low, I'm "minimally effective" or outright "ineffective" in the classroom. I'm just a broken robot that they can easily replace with another. All we learn, and all we are judged on, are those damn tests. And I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of seeing test scores prioritized over students' emotional and physical well-beings. I'm tired of parents walking all over us instead of helping them walk beside us. I'm tired of watching teachers put everyone else first before themselves, and everyone else putting teachers last. I'm tired of this job. I've officially decided that this is my last year at this school. I don't know where my future will take me. I don't know what Allah(swt) has planned for me. But I know He would want me to do better than this. And inshallah I will.

[spoonless-sunflower]

Started physically therapy for my back today. The new place seems really great and everyone there seems caring and patient. I feel blessed once again.

I’ve also started answering my texts again and I’m trying to keep myself from actually going too far down into a bad depressive episode.

I’m just so unbearably tired. The past month has already put me way past my physical limit and this week has doubled that. I kept telling myself to just get through the week but none of this stuff is going to let up. The job stuff is going to continue into the weekend and the next week (and if I’m lucky after that too). So is PT and talk therapy. And of course so is meeting Robin again. And I’m glad to have all those things but it’s physically too much.

And I’m not ready. I have no workout clothes or loose clothes for PT. I borrowed some from Mom for today but not all hers fit me. I don’t have the energy in between all of these commitments to shop for clothes.

I need new shoes too. I noticed on my first date with Robin that my go to boots were busted. We joked about it but they really do need to be replaced. When am I supposed to get that done? Even when I manage to find time to sleep, I’m in too much pain to actually get any rest.

It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed right now even though things are technically going well. It makes me feel like if it all falls apart it’ll be my fault. I know that’s not true though. I just have to breathe. It’s going to be fine. Inshallah.