#I can post it !!! And say I drew a finished background in 2024 !!! I didn't make any background since the zine and AF2023

[hikarinokusari]

We did an art exchange in the Misthoppers discord, and it was a highlight to see everyone's art. There are fantastic pieces everywhere, a true delight for the eyes. I had the pleasure to draw Kasia of St Andral for @lemonsdaily-artdump ♥

And because I couldn't choose I made both versions ↓

[datura-tea]

holy shit this year marks 10 years of this blog and moz!! i can't remember the exact date i started posting here - my archive says i have one post from november 2013 but let's disregard that - but i do remember it was around late 2014/early 2015 :)

^ one of the very first moz art pieces i ever drew, for fallout week 2015!!

memories and art through the years under a read more bc it got long

2014 → baby's first rpg!! i started playing fnv on my cousin's jailbroken xbox late 2013 and finished mid 2014 and i loved every minute of it. i remember waking up at 8am and playing almost nonstop until 2am the next day haha!

i didn't play moz on my first playthrough - but i did start creating a character that would eventually become her: a shorthaired ex-boxer who punched her way through obstacles when diplomacy failed. i remember she spent a lot of time with boone. i liked him then, because he saved my ass more times than i can count. but i digress. this is draft 1 moz essentially

2015 → this is the year that i was doing my thesis so i could graduate but i was so depressed and stressed about it that i distracted myself by replaying fnv on pc, where i played through the dlcs for the first time. i fell in love with the dlcs' oversarching story; particularly ulysses, who i became obssessed with, especially since i couldn't find any content of him at the time. in the game, i played as moz; i had most of her personality and choices down, but her backstory was still up in the air.

fun fact: this was an existing sideblog that i remade to be a fallout blog so i could look for ulysses content, and when i couldn't find any, i made some myself, featuring moz as my main courier six. originally, i didn't ship them, but eventually i ended the year as a courier/ulysses otp shipper.

this was the year i started drawing digitally - my uncle let me borrow a drawing tablet and i used an old copy of photoshop i pirated hehe

2016 → i graduated this year!! and promptly fell deeper into my depression. this was the year that it got so bad that i had to be medicated. through it all, this blog and moz and ulysses and my fandom friends were with me. and for that i am truly grateful :) this was the year i figured out how to lock transparent pixels so that i could color my lineart lol

2017 → i started hammering out moz's backstory this year i think. there's a lot of sketches of her and her family in my files. i experimented with shading and backgrounds here but that experimentation was pretty short-lived

2018 → i started using references seriously!!!! i did a lot of oc on oc kissing this year, featuring mostly moz and many friend ocs haha

2019 → didn't draw much this year. actually this year was a blur and i can't remember much from it except from it being the year of my terrible no good bad copywriting jobs... anyway i did manage to continue my courier/ulysses brainrot and make this piece, which i'm still proud of

2020 → pandemic time. i spent a lot of time asleep at home and i think this was also the year i started doing commissions?? shoutout to anyone who has ever commissioned me - thank you so much, i truly appreciate it!!

2021 → i switched from my old-ass pirated photoshop to clip studio paint and never looked back. also i did a bunch of commissions for my grandmother's surgery, which failed, and i distracted myself from the sadness by drawing my ocs over and over and playing disco elysium

2022 → by this year, i've got moz down pat and have started vaguely developing other ocs instead. but she's still always at the back of my mind

2023 → i bought new brushes from true grit texture supply and immediately found new favorites that i started using for everything. i tentatively started incorporating background elements in some pieces!

2024 → while it's still too early to say where this year will lead me art-wise, i will say that i started experimenting in realistic paint studio (which i bought in 2021, the same time as clip studio paint) a few days ago and i'm liking the results so far. we'll see!

all in all, these last 10 years have been quite a ride, but i'm glad i stuck around and i'm glad you guys stuck around too!! much much love 💖💖💖

[chuya-chuya-blog]

Congratulations to the winners of the My Copic Moment contest. I thought third place was super talented and would come in first, actually. That person is really skilled. Second place is really charming to me. It looks like a children's picture book and makes me feel nostalgic. The perspective in first place is really good.

I was bummed when I saw I didn't win. Call me a sore loser, I don't care! I really had my hopes up! And it was super disappointing to see I didn't even place. Is my art bad? Were my concepts bad? I don't know. This is also coming on to the realization that I will not be able to enter the Pixiv Global Contest that I wanted to, either.

I had PLENTY of time to complete an entry for that contest and continue working on my own web comic afterwards but I just couldn't find the motivation. I had a cute and funny concept and I really enjoyed drawing it but eventually the motivation just died. Somewhere between my usual struggles with making backgrounds look like anything but bland boxes and my inability to draw dogs, my drive turned to fear, and I just froze.

I would sketch here and there but just couldn't bring myself to do my absolute best. I'm ashamed because I've always been this way when it counts. I just couldn't buckle down and do it. Not even the free three years of Clip Studio could get me to do it. And I really wanted that too! But I guess I just didn't care enough. I couldn't make myself do the work. And it's not like I'm still a kid, either. I'm a full blown adult who can't manage discipline and time management and it's embarrassing. So many people around me have been able to get stuff done through consistent steady work and I can't figure out how to manage myself. And no I don't have ADHD. I actually got really REALLY good grades in school. So I can do the work when it counts. I just couldn't do it this time.

It's worrisome because if I want to start making money off of my art, I have to be able to meet deadlines. I have to be able to finish things. I have sooooooooo much trouble finishing things! I don't know what's wrong with me! It's why I barely post because I can never finish anything. Sometimes I'll be really motivated and will love a piece I'm working on, but I'll just put it somewhere and forget it exists. I really wanted to produce more work in 2024, but the fear that I'm not actually cut out to be an artist is creeping up on me. I have to improve my focus and discipline this year!

This sucks, but I wanted to be transparent. One of my resolutions this year was to draw a lot more and complete a lot more art. I haven't given up, but I need to improve my workflow. I need to work out the kinks beforehand so when I get to a road bump I can navigate it. This whole time I put my other projects on pause because I HAD to complete this contest entry...and got nothing done. I was completely stuck in some weird limbo and could not make it out. I did do the script and layout but after a while, I just didn't CARE. And when I don't care, my art immediately devolves and when my art devolves, I start hating myself for drawing crummy art. The gag is that when I'm drawing random things in my sketchbook without even thinking, some of it comes out SO COOL! It's part of why I opened a sketch dump!

I wanted a publisher to notice me and say, "wow, she's good!" But I can't seem to get my artwork to agree with me when I want it to. I can't even win a drawing contest! I didn't even get an honorable mention! (And that hurts, I thought I'd AT LEAST get mentioned.) This isn't a one time thing, either. I have NEVER won an art contest, NEVER had my work accepted to a magazine I submitted to. The ONE time I got second place in an art contest was something I did in high school and was just screwing around because I had no idea what to paint, and was sure an "official art contest" wouldn't accept anime art. And you know who won? Someone who drew anime.😐 (I was SOOOOOOO mad! Are you toying with me, universe? Are you telling me art is not my calling after all?)

What if a publisher DID contact me and ask me to draw something I don't care about? I have the worst discipline ever, and if I can't force myself to do good work when I need to, then I am of no use to them. I've accepted that I'll probably never do commissions, either.

If a publisher comes across this post, I don't mind. A bad work ethic is bad for business and the manga business is tough. They want people who grind HARD. It's well documented. We've all heard the stories about the mangaka struggle in Japan. And I've been in the workforce long enough to know that employers don't care about your feelings or your mental health. They only care about the results they can pay you pennies for. And that's life.

I'm still happy with the art I did for the My Copic Moment contest. (It's actually one of my favorite pieces in my portfolio right now, and I want to draw more pieces like it.) I actually want to try and enter their big copic contest for the year now, but wasn't going to because I only have like five markers of theirs and for this contest, you HAVE to use their products. But maybe I can screw around and mysteriously win this time. (The grand prize is 300 markers! Or something like that.) You can draw whatever you want, too. Maybe I'll do something really really crazy. I'll just unleash my emotions on the canvas like the first episode of Barakamon. (And then he went right back to struggling with his work. WHYYYY are we like this?😭)

I've also decided to set some time aside for scripts and planning. Since my excitement tends to come in waves, I'll try to get pre work done so I can heavily focus on a task at hand when the time comes. For instance, since I'm scripting right now, I'm really excited about the stories I'm making and fleshing out the plot points for them! I love coming with ideas and dumping my creativity out whenever I can. So if you give me a paper and tell me to just write, it feels so freeing. I'll hopefully work on these scripts and come up with a bunch of cool stuff to draw this week. Then I can do the layouts and get excited about the focus on flow and design of the pages. I tend to come up with new ideas and change my mind about things during the layout stages, so I'm going to proceed with caution. But for now, the plan is set and I'm going to move forward. The task is a lot less daunting when I have my ducks in a row.