#I cannot handle another Nessian situation

[acourtofquestions]

Please for the love of Wyrd tell me Celaena actually gets to say “I love you” to Sam at least once.

[vidalinav]

Nessian Headcanon #12: Family Edition

Since I keep seeing baby headcanons I wanted to make a list of my own :D which I’ve briefly touched on in other posts but...

Cassian and Nesta have a boatload of children (5 at the end of it all I think). The others start joking that they’re building their own army. But what really happens is that they end up taking in many children over the years because they travel often with the work they do and they see so many conditions and there’s wars and all sorts of circumstances. It’s inevitable that kids don’t have homes but they have a giant house and unending resources and the House is like a big nanny itself so they think it’s fate. 

Nesta is actually the one who brings most of the children home. The first one is a 9 year old girl, who is the angriest kid alive. Has something to do with the plot of a story I’m writing, but Nesta is basically entrusted with this kid. She’s the grand niece of someone she ends up knowing and she’s pretty magically powerful so her family would have ate her alive, so she’s asked to keep her safe and whatnot. Her name is Magda but she goes by Maggie. She does not like Cassian whatsoever in the beginning, and she is horribly rude to Nesta. But Nesta does not care at all, she’s like okay get it out, say worse. Like she’s so chill, because she knows how it feels to be that angry. Maggie and Nesta end up being really close to the point where Maggie does not like being away from Nesta and gets very protective of her even to other members of the IC. She’ll fight first and ask questions later. Cassian and her form a bond actually not by fighting at all, but because Maggie does so many experiments that end up going awry. She’s a fae and has got magic up the wazoo and she’s a book nerd, and she’s kind of a trouble maker, and Cassian thrives. He loves her because she’s like a smaller more diabolical version of Nesta. The House is amused by their antics usually. 

Nesta ends up getting pregnant for their second child and this kid is the only one they actually have on their own. Her name is Lyra, and Maggie thinks that it’s hilarious that Cassian lives in a house with all girls. Maggie is about 12 when they have her, and Maggie at first does not take kindly to Lyra, because she starts feeling like they have their own family and she’s just the kid who eventually is going to have to go back to her other family (because that’s a plot too that I won’t go into to) but they try so much to include her, because Maggie is their child. No question. Nesta ends up telling Cassian that she’s pregnant by giving him an enchanted painting, which is the work of all three Archeron sisters. Elain for seeing what the child would look like, Feyre for painting, and Nesta for enchanting it so that if they have more children the picture will get bigger and there will be room for Feyre to paint the others. So one big family portrait. In that picture, Maggie is tucked in between the two with the baby/toddler. Dark hair, big blue eyes... maybe hazel. Maybe one of each (I’m really not sure). The best parts of both Nesta and Cassian though. She’s so gorgeous. Prettiest little girl. But yeah going back to Maggie, they ask her during this picture time (probably solstice present time) if Maggie wants to be an Archeron. (Another headcanon for another time, but Cassian marries Nesta too and becomes an Acheron). So, does she want to do this? Absolutely, and at this point she already start calling them mom and dad and just referring to them as such, so that’s their kiddos. 

Third and fourth are siblings. They’re from the continent. Maggie is 14, Lyra is close to 2. The siblings are brought by Nesta who is doing some thing that I cannot say because I have not made it up yet, but she finds them at the scene of a Massacre in hiding. The oldest is close to 6, the other is probably 1-ish. The oldest will not let them take the baby from her. The baby is a boy. They don’t speak the common tongue, which is any issue, but they hire a tutor to both talk to the little girl and then also to teach them ALL (everyone in their household) the language that the two siblings speak as well as teach them how to speak the common Prythrian language. So everyone ends up learning. The little girl is taken under the wing of Maggie, who is the perfect older sister/camp counselor as she likes to refer to herself after there’s more kids. They don’t know her name for the LONGEST time, because she won’t speak at all, but she ends up loving Cassian because he makes her laugh and he brings her a thousand stuffed bears because at one point she won’t stop crying and he brings them home and makes funny voices with them, and carries her on his shoulders, and she has the sweetest giggle. But eventually they end up naming her Ursella which she ends up going by Ella when she gets older, because her nickname with Cassian is little bear. They do ask her later when she talks if she remembers her old name and her birthday since they don’t know, but she doesn’t say that she does, which may be a lie, but Ella happily goes by Ella, and they give her a choice to choose one random day in the year to be her birthday, but she chooses to celebrate her birthday on the day they brought her in. She calls it her re-birthday.

The baby boy they name Nico. It’s actually a common Illyrian name and Cassian knows that the little boy is technically not Illyrian but it is his first son, and he really wants to give him that piece of him. Cassian does ask him when he’s about 10 if he’d prefer a name that’s based on his own culture, because they make sure that’s very integrated in their home life, because of course Cassian loves his culture and Nesta has that anthropological eye, so she knows and learns so much and they just love their children so much that they want all of them, every piece that they come with. But Nico likes his name, and he’s his dads through and through. But he LOVES Nesta. He’s a momma’s boy for sure, which I guess just makes him similar to Cassian. He does not like learning though, so Nesta usually has to teach him herself instead of having tutors, and she spends extra time with him going through his lessons. Lyra and him grow up together closer to age, so they pick on each other A LOT, but ultimately they grow up to have that relationship like I can pick on you but no one else can. They’re super close. If you want one, you find the other. They both will be together somewhere making a mess of things. Ella is the one who usually is like would you please be loud somewhere else. She ends up getting into music--playing instruments and so she generally prefers quietness to study and practice. Violin is her forte. 

The next boy comes about 4 yrs later. Maggie is 18, Lyra is 6, Nico is 5/6 ish. Ella is 10. The boy is about 12. He’s Illyrian and Cassian finds him this time and takes him to Nesta first, but Nesta is like why are you asking lol this is our new son. He’s a “bastard” unfortunately. I hate that word. But he has learned to fight, Cassian found him in the fighting pits in an Illyrian camp a couple hours away from Windhaven, and the situation was so much like his except this kid was never given a home like he was. So, he spent a good couple of weeks trying to get on his good side enough for him to trust him and to want to go someplace safer and warm. He hates Cassian a lot at first... while at the same time being like you’re the hero I’ve heard about. So admiration but also a touch of resentment and anger at the world. Cassian doesn’t know what to do with that, because still to the day he does not handle emotion like Nesta does. He understands it but he doesn’t know what to say, what to do, his go to is always training, but training is not what this child needs. So again, this is Nesta’s forte. Interestingly enough, she’s very gentle with kids. She’s empathetic, soft, but not condescending. She gives everyone the same respect so it helps a lot when he sees that and he’s never had a mom before who tucks him in or makes sure he’s feeling well. His name is Julian. I forgot that part and it turns out he’s HATES fighting. But he really likes plants. So he ends up spending a lot of time with Elain when she visits. He’s fascinated by them and ends up having his own garden. But because Nesta is magical in this headcanon (because she’s more witchy in my fics) he learns A LOT about poisons. Not because Nesta teaches him, but because he finds her books and reads them and starts growing them. This becomes a problem, because when Julian doesn’t like his tutors or teachers, he starts trying to poison them. Like not killing them, but he knows which will give stomach aches, which will give rashes. Nesta is both proud and reprimanding. 

I do feel like they might have more, but I don’t know for now I feel this is good for their set family. Five in total for their first gaggle of children lol. But all of them are asked if they want to be an Archeron. All of them say yes. All of them have each other’s back even if they have screaming matches on the daily. The house is mostly chaotic at all times but the House loves having people in it and laughing and being filled to the brim with stuffed animals and train sets and plants and music and family members coming in and out since Nyx visits often because he’s an only child for a very long time with Feyre taking more of a position in court rulings and Rhysand just being generally busy because you know High Lord/High Lady stuff. I don’t see Feyre being a stay at home mom but I also don’t see Rhys being a stay at home dad, but they’re also rulers so I peg them for both being working parents, which they feel guilty about A LOT at first, and it’s something that they struggle with in the confines of their own identities and their relationship, because they love Nyx and they know they’re parents but that’s not all they are, and without having the gender role of one parent staying home it’s very difficult for them to both rule, but Rhys does not want to stop being a high lord and Feyre is bored too often and she wants to rule and she knows she can, and she has that title for a reason and wants to utilize it. So it’s a hard time, with lots of arguments, but Nyx ends up mostly going with Cassian for a good amount of the day when he’s older and they have more kids in the house, and Nyx doesn’t really know that Feyre and Rhys had this problem, because he’d just prefer to be around the other kids and it ends up working really well. 

Cassian ends up being more of the stay at home parent. I don’t know why but I feel he just gives me that vibe where forget the courtier business, if there’s no war and if the armies are generally taken care of which he does, he wants to stay home and raise his kids, which is very surprising since he’s the one who doesn’t ever take vacations. He wants to be there for every moment no matter how awkward or loud. That’s his family and he’s waited so long for them, and it’s not even about him not having that family early on, it’s because he genuinely would rather be with his kids. He’s the one who as soon as they got the siblings was like I’m going to have to take a step back, because he saw his kids every day but he just didn’t want to be away for long periods of time, and at that point he’d already taken several steps back on working, so it became more of a done deal then. He still is the general, but he gives more responsibility to Devlon and to other people he’s trained over the years to step up. So generally, Cassian will work a couple of days a week for a couple of hours or just go quickly in the evenings, go over reports if the kids are in class with their teachers, and more during certain times of the year, but he’s generally more of a family man. 

Nesta in my fic/headcanon ends up being a queen as well as a leader of the witches and the founder/leader of the Valkyrie and she owns a shipping company and she’s the cauldron’s guardian which don’t ask me to explain, it’s in this fic I’ve barely written. But she’s a “I can bake the cake and eat it too” type of person to me, and because of her magic it is easy for her to do it all because it’s like a full time job. She goes home after a certain hour and she’s back with her kiddos, and most of her jobs have other people who have a handle on things as well. So she’s not an island, but she loves having the purpose and the drive, because as much as she did like being in the library and being in Velaris and having that day to day slice of life, she likes and yearns for adventure. She’s a go-getter and is not necessarily ambitious for power, but she’s got the whole world to discover and she can have anything she’s willing to work for. She wants to be and see it all. Cassian is endlessly proud of her and is like that’s my mate, my wife. My mate. My wife. And they both end up getting what they want without having to sacrifice their own ideals. Their marriage is a collaboration and it ends up working phenomenally for the two of them and their children. 

But ultimately it’s really the House that makes it possible. Because who cooks food and cleans and supplies every need and wish and whatnot? The House. Who baby proofs? The House. The House is like I’ve always wanted a big family and boy does it get a big family. 

[regolithheart]

what do you think about the Nesta/Cassian/Mor conflict? also looking forward to your fics!!

Hi beautiful, sweet, innocent, Nonnie!!

Thank you for writing to me. Like I said, I could talk about Nessian all day and I am full. of. #thoughts. I could give you a short sweet answer, but it’s week six of quarantine, I had a brownie for dinner, and I don’t know what day it is. In the end, you’ll probably regret asking me, but lets just jump into it, shall we?

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like Rhys, Mor, or Feyre. So if you don’t want to hear what I have to say in regards to them, thanks for stopping by. No need to read further. 

I’ve never loved Feyre, but I think that has more to do with the fact that I just don’t like main characters in a series. Would I have preferred to read Hermione Granger and the Prisoner of Azkaban? You bet your ass. I also don’t like Rhys for the same reason, but also I dislike Rhys more than Feyre and for additional reasons which we will get to later.

I hate that I dislike Mor, because I loved her so much in ACoMaF and for a hot minute I shipped Mor and Azriel because I am a sucker for the unrequited love trope. A real sucker. And maybe, maybe I could have overlooked the retconning of her being a lesbian (yes, it was a retcon. Fight me.), if it weren’t for the fact that it makes her look really really bad and makes her treatment of Azriel even worse. I get it. I do. Her working through being okay with telling the others any of her business is part of her personal journey, but being honest to someone you claim to love about not being able to love them the way they hope to be is different than telling them you can’t be in a relationship because you prefer the opposite sex. Listen, I obviously have thoughts about this, but that’s not what the question was about so I’ll move on. 

Mor and Cassian’s relationship is a dangerous one. They both use each other as a crutch. From day one, Mor was using Cassian. Now, I don’t think she was doing it maliciously, but he appealed to her because he was already one of the most powerful Illyrians and a bastard to boot. Why do you think Mor chose Cassian and not Azriel? Sure, she wanted to own her own body. She wanted to decide who she gets to sleep with, but she decided she wanted to sleep with someone before going to the Autumn Court to stick it to Keir and the establishment. And what better way to stick it to them than to choose an Illyrian bastard. Because being the illegitimate son of an Illyrian lord is still ranked higher than being someone with no father and a dead mother. Mor knew exactly what she was doing when she chose Cassian. She is Rhys’ third-in-command for a reason. She aint no dumdum.

And for 500 years it was all good, right? Mor didn’t care who Cassian hooked up with because she knew they were no threat. But as soon as someone comes along that Cassian has feelings for, like true, legit, feelings, she cannot handle it. Because if she loses Cassian as a buffer then she really will have to be honest with Azriel (the horror). And so what does she do? She gets possessive. She outright hates Nesta and does not hold her feelings or tongue back. Now, some people are going to say that Nesta is the worst. She was horrible to Feyre growing up, she’s rude, she’s belligerent, and she can be a straight up bitch. Yeah. No argument there. We’ve all read the books. We have see the evidence throughout the whole entire series. But so is Rhys, so is Mor, so is Feyre, and Cassian and Amren. The only difference, is that a) they all have each other’s backs while no one has Nesta’s and b) we get to see everyone’s reasons and everyone’s POV except for Nesta’s. Feyre is an unreliable narrator, which is why I’m looking forward to seeing Cassian and Nesta away from Feyre in book 4 because I don’t trust her to tell me what’s going on for realsies. 

Honestly, the scene that made me straight up get so pissed at Mor was in ACoFaS when Nesta shows up to the Solstice party and Elain gives Nesta her present. All of Cassian’s attention is pointed to Nesta and what does Mor do? She forces Cassian to pay attention to her by choosing that exact moment to give him his Solstice present. Not any other time before or after when Cassian barely even glances Nesta’s way, but during the what, five seconds, he’s looking at her? PLEASE! It’s so passive aggressive and I hate it. I hate it!

I think the thing that bothers me the most abut Cassian and Mor’s relationship is that it really is just a miniature version of Cassian’s relationship with the Inner Circle in regards to Nesta. But really, when I say Inner Circle, I mean Rhys. I hate how Rhys treats Nesta, thinks of Nesta, and dismisses Nesta. Does he have his reasons? Sure. Are they valid reasons? He sure thinks they are, but like I said before, he’s no angel and we got to hear his full story so until we get Nesta’s full story then I don’t need my inbox blowing up. And honestly, if it turns out that Nesta really is as bad as everyone thinks she is, that’s still not going to change my opinion of her. I mean, why have you even read this far if you don’t like Nesta? Has anyone read this far, period? 

What I mean to say is that Cassian loves his family. He loves Nesta. The problem is that his family and Nesta don’t love each other and he will always feel torn apart over it. Cassian knows that Rhys hates Nesta. He can barely acknowledge her existence in front of Rhys and Azriel because they barely do. Yeah, his feelings are complicated right now. He’s hurt, and angry, and confused, and still loves her and can’t work out his feelings because he doesn’t have a safe place to do so. If there’s anyone he should feel comfortable going to to work out these feelings with, it’s Rhys, Az, and Mor but he can’t because he knows exactly how they feel about her, which is that they tolerate her at best. And even then, do they? 

I don’t want Cassian to feel like he has to choose between Nesta or his family, but as the situation stands, he probably does feel like that. I mean, who knows. Maybe he’s already chosen his family over Nesta. It’s not like she’s making an argument on her own behalf. But we know Cassian loves Nesta. Even if he’s annoyed with her, or mad, or frustrated with her, we know that he honest-to-the-Mother loves her. But until everyone can heal, and understand one another, and accept each other, it’s a lose-lose situation all around. Notice how I didn’t say love, or even like. 

Do I feel sorry for Cassian? Yes. Do I think he’s entirely faultless? Nope. Yes, he’s in a shitty situation, but honestly if he had a real conversation with Mor (and the Inner Circle) about his feelings about/for Nesta and confront her about her treatment of Nesta, he’d get different results. Do I think he’s terrified of having an actual, honest conversation? You betcha.

And yeah, we all know that Nesta isn’t making the situation any easier. But she’s hurt and suffering more than any of us really know. Do I think she's entirely blameless? Absolutely not. But I do feel that Rhys and Mor are extra judgmental of her because they already have their preconceived notions of her and anything she’s done contrary to that is ignored while everything she does that reiterates it is magnified. But here I am getting derailed again.

Nesta feels unloved. We can argue whether or not it is deserved another time, but the fact is that she feels unloved. Probably has always felt unloved. So every time Cassian choses to look at Mor instead of Nesta, it’s confirmation to her that she will never be anyone’s first choice. Look, the only man who said he loved her turned out to be abusive and assaulted her. And then when her father declares that he loves her, he gets murdered right in front of her eyes. Elain is the only other person Nesta knows loves her, and now she’s chosen Feyre and the Inner Circle over her (at least she has in Nesta’s eyes). You see where I’m going with this, right?

Except for the few dire times during the war--like when they’re legit in battle for their lives and emotions are running high--does Cassian let himself show Nesta that he cares for her. The only other times is when they’re by themselves. We know it’s because Cassian hides behind his bravado. But to Nesta, who probably has the worst opinion of herself, it probably means he’s ashamed to show it. Or he’s uncertain. I know we don’t have proof of this in the text, but I like to think I understand Nesta on a deep level, I can just imagine that’s how she’s feeling. Nesta pushes people away so that she doesn’t get disappointed when they decide to leave on their own accord. Nesta fought for Feyre, she fought for Elain, and she fought for Cassian. And in ACoFaS they all essentially turned their backs on her. And you wonder why she has so much rage in her frozen heart. 

TL;DR (not that I blame you): It’s complicated and it’s messy and everyone involved has contributed to it’s tangled mess of jealousy, insecurity, selfishness... but I also place more responsibility on the two 500-year-olds than I do on the 23-year-old. 

I’m really interested to see how it plays out in the next book(s), but I will tell you right now, I am on team Nesta Archeron and will be until my dying breath. 

Also, if you made it to the end...

[cinaja]

nesta

Sure!😊

How I feel about this character:

Another one of my favourite characters. I just find Nesta very interesting. Like Lucien, she's a character who is allowed to have both strengths and flaws and I feel like she has very much depth. Her cold attitude and general behaviour also make her a very unique character. Especially in sjm's books, most important characters are rather similar, so Nesta really stands out there. She just feel very human in her behaviour.

One thing I really like about her is that she is fiercely loyal and protective of the people she cares about. She also seems to genuinely care about the humans and hasn't lost her ties to her human past, which is a huge plus in my eyes. I see huge potential there and I really hope that she won't lose it in the next books like Feyre did.

I really wish her trauma would be recognized more. She went through so much, and she just deserves a chance to heal and people who help her through it.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Me and shipping... Always difficult. Sorry. I feel like I should probably say Cassian here, but I'm not really behind it.

I do like the potential that ship might have. I've read several fics (most notably Daylight by @flowerflamestars - if you don't know it, go read it because it's AMAZING!😍) where I really liked the ship because it really handled the canon problems well and worked towards a healthy, equal relationship between the two of them. If this ask was about Daylight!Nessian, I'd say I ship them because it's an incredibly well-developed relationship.

Unfortunately, these asks are more or less aimed at canon. And canon!Nessian has its problems. At this point, Nesta has made it clear that she has no interest, yet Cassian keeps hounding her (or ignoring her, depending on the situation). I haven't read Wings and Embers, but I hear he kissed her without her permission, which is a huge no-go. And that line about how he doesn't get why her sisters love her was beyond cruel. To make matters worse, they are now forced to live together, with a blurb that hints at a rather Feysand-like development (her problems being solved through him).

I want them to have a good relationship, really. But I'm afraid that I cannot in good faith say that I ship them in canon at this stage.

Above any romantic ships, though, I want Nesta find happiness and heal on her own first. I want her to find friends who support and love her and I want to see her make a life of her own before she gets into a relationship.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Helion, thanks to several headcanons and fics I've read (again, I'm looking at Daylight😅). I really, really love the idea of them being friends. They share a love for books and knowledge and I think the Day Court would suit Nesta really well. I also think Helion would appreciate Nesta as a person. He seems mature enough that he's understand that she is a traumatised young woman and try to help her instead of pushing her around like the others do.

I also like the idea of her being friends with Miryam and Drakon. This is kind of based on the thousands of headcanons I have on them, but I think they could be really good for Nesta. Especially Miryam would really get being a young woman who had to fight a war and got strange powers she never wanted, so she might be able to help Nesta through that. Her and Miryam are extremely similar in some regards, but also complete opposites in others, and I find the possibilities there very intriguing. And her and Drako would probably bond over liking books. But it's all pretty heavily based on my headcanons, like I said.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

Not really sure if this is unpopular, but I don't really want Nesta and Feyre to have a great relationship. I can see the appeal of the Archeron-sisters-dynamic, but after everything that happened (and with the way Feyre has been developing), I don't really want the story to end with everything between them being wonderful. Sometimes, I think it is important for people to realize they don't really fit together, even if they are family, and develop a mutual understanding accordingly. I also like Nesta being the one to critizise Feysand and don't want that to change.

One thing I wish would happen with this character in canon:

I want her to run away from the Night Court instead of going to the Illyrian Mountains. I think I'd like her going to Cretea best, because it just seems like a very calm, accepting place where she could fit in well and make friends From a narrative point of view, it would also be really fitting because it might lead to her facing the Cauldron, and Miryam and Drakon would get some bigger roles (and not just a ton of backstory but no plot impact). A close second would be the Day Court.

I don't really care which place it is all that much, as long as Nesta gets to leave the Night Court and heal somewhere where people accept her. If she does get together with Cassian, I only want it to happen after she had lots of time to adjust to things.

[unhealthyfanobsession]

Day and Night

This started out as a rant about no one understanding Nesta, and then I realized I was basically writing in her voice, so.. my first ever Nessian fic was born, be gentle!

______________________________________________________________

“I was in a war, General” she spits his title at him as though the word is acid burning her tongue and she has to get it out of her mouth.

Nesta cuts him off before he can break in with the obvious “we were all in a war. I know that. How could you not think that I fucking KNOW THAT” she shakes her head, because sometimes it shocks her just how little this merry band thinks of her. And they wonder why she doesn’t want to join them.

“You are 500 years old. You are born and bred warriors. You were made for war, you’ve seen it before and you are always prepared to see it again” she holds up her hand as he again tries to break in “I know it wasn’t easy. I know you haven’t always been what you are now. I know that you and everyone else in your little gang that holds themselves together with ribbons of molten brass and codependence has had hard lives and come out the other side. I get it, you are strong, pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of people.” Nesta grits her teeth, not even wanting to give him the satisfaction of her next words “I am not” it is not a slow moving, whispered confession, it is not  a broken admission that makes her tear up and fall into his arms for support. It is a statement. A fact.

“All of you drinking together and meandering through life in dysfunctional love triangles or sequestering in cabins or smiling through the pain doesn’t make you any better than me and I’m just so SICK of the judgement.” She pauses “I am holding myself together the only way I know how and I don’t want to be shown a new way. You rely on this family that you chose for yourself, but that is not me. That is not how I am coping and I will NOT paste a happy little smile on my face and sit quietly in my sister’s marble palace and pretend that I am ok just to appease you all. I am not Elain”

“I’ve never heard you speak ill of her” Cassian blurts, it’s the only thing he can think to say in that exact moment.

“And you never will. I am not speaking ill of her. That is the whole point. This is how Elain handles things, it always has been and I accept that. She cries sweetly alone in her room and then sits in a corner with a smile so that everyone thinks she is ok. If it was up to her she would never leave that kitchen or her garden. She doesn’t come to your holidays and eat dinner with you all because she’s moved on, forgotten Graysen, and gotten over the war. She does it because the only thing worse to Elain than her own grief is to inflict that grief on others”

Cassian scoffs “maybe you could take a page from her book” he says it low and muttered, but the way that streak of grey flashes across her eyes like liquid steel makes him regret the words the second they are out.

“This is why it is better if I stay on my side of town and you all on yours” the words are clipped. “I will not sit quietly and pretend that everything is alright. When I am alright, should that day ever come, you will know that it is real.”

Cassian sighs “Feyre-”

“Stop” she grits out “do not tell me all of the many virtues and amazing coping skills of my youngest sister. I know them well and I won’t be compared to Feyre curse breaker for my entire gods-forsaken life” Nesta shakes her head “Elian smile through her pain. Feyre grits her teeth through hers. She is a martyr through and through. She runs into dangerous situations without a thought for her own safety and so does her mate. They are perfectly suited.”

“I seem to remember you running into a situation with no regard for your own safety, once”

There it is. The elephant in the room laid bare before her feet.

Nesta narrows her eyes “Just because I don’t love and fight and cope and live the same way that all of you do, does not mean that I don’t feel things, that I don’t care.”

I think Nesta feels everything- sees too much; sees and feels it all. She burns with it

Feyre’s words from months ago flash though his mind and Cassian shakes his head, feeling it all click into place; “do you trust me?”

“Do I have a choice?” He grins and before Nesta can blink they are in the sky.

*3 months Later*

“I’m not going to apologize” Nesta says stiffly. She can hear her sisters mate growl behind her and it takes everything in her not to turn around and shove him out of the room. She sees Cassian lay a gentle hand on the high lord’s shoulder- a brotherly gesture of warning.

“I never asked you to apologize” Feyre says, giving a glare to Rhys who really needs to learn to stay out of it.

Nesta nods “you seem very happy and I am glad of that. Truly, I am. I wish nothing more than for you and Elian to be so blissfully happy, but I won’t apologize for not being so. I won’t apologize for managing this new life differently than you. I won’t apologize because you think how I chose to cope was unacceptable”

“I never judged you” Feyre says quietly, looking into her sisters eyes. It’s true. She pitied her and wanted to help her and she was so so angry with her at times, but she never judged her.

There is a long pause, Cassian and Rhys both shift uncomfortably behind the Archeron sisters and surprisingly it is the High Lord of the Night Court who breaks the silence “you look well, Nesta” his words are low and Ernest. She has gained some weight back and he can see a thin sheen of muscle through her gown “the Illyrian Mountains suited you”

Nesta’s eyes flare at that comment and Cassian shakes his head. He knows that his brother means well, but in this instance the male really needs to just keep his mouth shut.

“I cannot stay here”

Feyre moves toward her sister “of course you can! Please Nesta, I am so happy that the mountains were good for you. You are welcome to live here or get yourself a home somewhere else in the city or-”

“I don’t belong here” she says quietly “I never have, Feyre. Look around. Look at your walls covered in paintings of your family, every room a shrine to a different person who can’t stand me”

“That’s not-”

“It is true” Nesta cuts her off “I would not fit in here any more than my picture would fit on these walls. You are High Lady of the Night Court. You are calm, calculated night and you always have been. You burst and flash like a star shooting across the sky and your family is the same. Of course your mate and his cousin wouldn’t like me. Even at my best, I just don’t belong here.”

“You are my sister. Of course you belong here”

“I won’t stay in a place that I can be banished from when my actions do not suit you, Feyre” Nesta’s shoulders tense and she feels no guilt at the flash of hurt that crosses her sister’s face “the Ilyrian Mountains were not good for me” she spits “It is a freezing, horrible, bloody, miserable place where nothing is valued above war and you thought that sending me there was the best choice? That training and fighting and becoming a warrior is what would help me get over the trauma of the war? You honestly thought that wielding an Illyrian bow would help me come to terms with the part of me that laughed as I held a man’s decapitated head? The mountains were not where I needed to go.”

“But, Cassian-“

“Yes, Cassian. Of course, Cassian. Let’s send Nesta off with this man to train her and put her back together again. Let’s wait for some supernatural bond to click and make her fall into his arms so that they can return and join the family” Nesta sighs “even Cassian knew that was never going to work. He knew that was not what I needed. He never took me to the mountains.”

Rhys and Feyre both snap their heads to look at the General, who cracks his neck to the side and steps closer to Nesta “She didn’t belong with the soldiers” he says by way of explenation “and she certainly didn’t belong with the women” Cassian feels a shudder run through him at the mere thought of Nesta toiling away on menial chores that the men were too good for. “Nesta never wanted to train, even in the war. She wasn’t like you, Feyre. She didn’t want to be a warrior, but… there was something she needed to face” he stumbles a little over the words, clearly uncomfortable at having disobeyed orders.

“I needed to come to terms with myself, not the war”

“Your birthday cake gave me the idea, Feyre” he says, more collected “Elain said that you were the night sky that held the family up and then I saw flames…and it all made sense.” his eyes start to shine with something that wasn’t there before, a sense of cautious admiration, the way one might look at a dormant volcano. Beautiful and deadly. “Nesta is a burning fire. She has never been a calm, serene night. Everything she does burns with rage or passion like a scorching sun over a dry field.” He pauses “but then I saw… I saw the softer parts of her, the bravest parts. I watched her wrap my wounds and her gentleness warmed everything inside of me like a rising sun over the frozen war camps.” Cassian is barely even speaking to the High Lord and Lady anymore. His eyes are fixed only on Nesta and his words are coming out in a quick, solid, whispered confession “She threw her body over mine and eclipsed the sun in that moment, I almost couldn’t look directly at her as I promised her another world. Catching her stare is like looking directly into an eclipse, but seeing her smile is like… the first burst of sun after the longest night of the year.”

Cassian clears his throat, coming back to himself “she has all of this raw power burning inside of her, especially since the cauldron-“ Nesta winces even hearing the word spoken “so I knew… I knew that the mountains weren’t where she needed to be”

“You took her to Helion” Rhys says quietly. It isn’t a question. He feels like the stupidest male in all of Prythian in that moment, because of course… of course Helion spell cleaver was who she needed to help master her new powers.

“He taught me things, showed me things that I could never imagine myself capable of. I thought this power inside of me was dark and evil. Cassian even told me he thought it might be death itself, but it wasn’t” Nesta’s voice is strong and steady “It was life”

Again Rhys nods “the cauldron created all life”

“and it isn’t how we think. Life starts out with screaming and crying. We fight our way through life. We claw and scratch and fight our own little wars every day that we live. But there is good, of course. There is light and happiness and pleasure. I got caught up in that, the pleasure, because I didn’t want to fight anymore.” She pauses “Helion taught me balance. He taught me when to give in to the fire and when to force it into a dull heat”

Nesta pauses, meeting her sister’s gaze “and then he offered me a position in his circle. As emissary to the Night Court”

“We don’t need an emissary for Day, they are our closest ally’s” Rhysand says with a furrowed brow.

“I know that” Nesta smiles a little “he knows that too. It’s an excuse of course. A way to offer me a position and a place to stay where I truly belong. A way to continue to learn from him… but still be able to come here whenever I want”

A single tear escapes Feyre’s right eye as she accepts the truth of her sister’s statements “I am so happy for you, Nesta. I…”

“Don’t” she says quietly “there will be no sorrow or goodbye’s or apologies or grudges between us. We are sisters, even if we may be night and day” they all give a pained groan at the awful pun and Nesta shrugs.

“Helion has always loved a fiery woman” Rhys smirks and Feyre’s eyebrows shoot up at that.

Cassian’s grin is broad and suggestive “He’s really going to be after Az now that he’s roped 2/3 of our little trio into his bed, albeit not together”

“I’m going to throw up” Feyre deadpans. Rhys just laughs as Nesta shoots a glare at Cassian. He wasn’t exactly supposed to divulge that particular detail of their trip to the day court.

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Listen when SJM said there was originally a threesome in the Nessian book I was confused like the rest of you, and then I thought to myself who... who in all of Prythian would be able to get... OH! ;)