#I declined and eventually walked out with a very pretty cat who nevertheless had been there for over well over a year

[overthinkingfeathers]

One of the local* shelters takes exactly one photo of their incoming pets, and whatever they get, they post. This has led to one of my most favorite kitten photos of all time: 

That face. That tongue. Perfection. 

(*Local as in shows up on Petfinder so, like, in state.) 

[alexithymiaandanhedonia-blog]

Regret

    While there aren’t many studies relating to alexithymia, it’s easy to tell just by the definition that they don’t feel regret. I mean, it is a feeling, after all. The only problem here, is that I’m quite certain that the most notorious sociopaths, though they shouldn’t be able to feel regret, do. While this example may be a little extreme, I’m going to reference Jeffrey Dahmer. For those of you who don’t know, Dahmer was a serial killer who terrorized the Milwaukee area for several years as he killed, raped, and ate young men whom he picked up at street corners and clubs. Likewise, Ted Bundy killed very young girls and had sex with their dead corpses until the bodies decomposed to a point where he couldn’t do it anymore. Why do some killers kill children? It’s very simple. For most serial killers, the ways they kill and who they kill matter a lot to them. They choose children because the children remind them of themselves when they were young - before their first kill, before they lost their innocence. They regret losing their innocence, because killers crave control, and their innocence is simply something they cannot get back. No matter what they do, this is out of their control. I know for me, I’ve only regretted one thing; breaking up with Melinda. 

    If you don’t really care about a really long life-story part, I’ve put a TL;DR at the end. 

    I really don’t like talking about her, but it’s one of the only two things that make me feel emotion, and I’m trying to find out why. I think I have this one solved, though. I moved to the United States when I was 13 (born and raised in Spain), and at the time, believe it or not, I still felt something. After my auntie was killed in a car wreck, there was still something inside of me that made me human. Because I had insane attachment issues, I seeked out human connection any way I could, and that was through Melinda. 

     The first time I saw her was on 12 January 2014 in grade 8 in the hallways of my junior high school. The only reason I ever remembered that date was because this girl’s eyes were so intriguing to me. I just saw them, and could have sworn that there was something in them. When scrolling through my Instagram feed and I see a picture of her, to this day, I still see that same thing. I’ve never been sure what that thing was, but that’s not the important part. The truly important part is just how this girl’s eyes resonated with me. When we went into 9th grade, she went to a different high school than I did, but there wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t think about her. 

     On 17 October 2014, I decided to type her a bunch of gibberish and send it, following up with a message that claimed that my cat was the one who walked all over my keyboard and hit “send”. I think she bought it; either that, or she just went along with it. Either way, it got us talking. I remember word for word what was said that night, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. I guess you could call me somewhat manipulative, because I found a rather sneaky way to make Melinda want me. I guess the way I did it was morally questionable and it’s probably not a healthy way to start any kind of relationship, but nevertheless, we were dating by 24 October 2014. I think I was a romantic at heart, even though my psychologist told me that my version of love and actual love were far different. I really think I loved her. 

    We had our first date 26 October 2014. It was a Sunday at a park, and it was freezing cold out, and it was windy, and neither of us really wanted to be there, but we did want to be together. We talked non-stop until November, where we went to see a movie at the mall. I bought her ice cream and paid for the movie, and I did everything I thought a boyfriend should do. I just remember that it was a really nice day. For the other dates, I know why I remember them, but for this one, I don’t know why I remember that this day was 22 November 2014. 

    I also remember how our relationship after that day became very strange. She had some kind of depression then, so she was on and off depression medication all the time. She acted so strange towards me for no reason, including putting me on “relationship probation” when I talked to someone on Skype for a long time, and not talking to me for 3 weeks because I said something bad about her favourite TV show. Of course, this is fucking bullshit, and I can’t believe I took it lying down. Either way, we made up every time until 19 January 2015 when she straight up dumped me because she though I was in love with some other girl or something, which honestly didn’t make sense to me. We broke it off, and I missed her and all, but I was okay with it. I really cared about her happiness. 

     On 1 March 2015, I started dating this other girl for cover so that I wouldn’t look like an emotionless freak. Around that time, I had a lot more important things going on, though. I remembered getting home and having to hear my step-dad freaking out drunk, and having to just go downstairs and not coming out until the next morning. My mom would bring us food and stuff so we wouldn’t have to go upstairs and possibly get beaten or worse. It was around this time I was feeling murderous urges again, because I hated that my mom had to deal with that. Eventually, he had a legit nervous breakdown, which caused us to have to call the police to protect us. This, by the way, happened on 31 August 2015, literally the first day of 10th grade. By 1 October, he’d moved back in with us. I couldn’t believe that my mother allowed him back into our home and put us in jeopardy, but eventually, I didn’t care. I didn’t care about human connection. I didn’t want any girlfriend (even though I’d had one for a few months now). 

    Come November, I was 100% what I am now; void of emotion, free of all that is human. Free, that is, of every emotion but the ones I still had for Melinda. She still messaged me sometimes, and one of her friends did, as well. One day her friend (let’s call her Rachel) messaged me, telling me how Melinda had really changed and that she really wanted me back. I knew that I couldn’t take her back, because I would have had to go through a breakup with this new girl, and I’d be expected to act like a human throughout it all. I declined despite every part of me wanting to be with her. I made the right choice, believe me. Had I done that, I would have been seen for what I really am, and possibly sent to that institution again. Here I am now, having dated this new girl for almost 2 years, and I still feel everything for Melinda. I see her Instagram pictures, and I see those eyes that still catch me. It’s not a blue eyes thing, it’s not a deep eyes thing, it’s not a big eyes thing, it’s not a beauty thing, nor is it a sexual thing. I still feel that same feeling I felt whenever I looked into her eyes whenever I see them now. Literally the only times I feel emotion are when I’m with Hannah (read my previous posts) or when I’m looking at her pictures. 

    TL;DR: There’s a girl named Melinda, I dated her when I was 14, and I’m still in love with her. 

    I have a good theory on why this girl is still able to get to me, despite my emotional devoidity. I think that for those of us that have had traumatizing experiences, we cling to the people we were before those experiences happened. Yeah, I may have no emotions about anything else, but my subconscious must want to be the person I was when I loved her. The only thing people like us regret is becoming what we are now. Though I consider being alexithymic a fantastic thing and a huge advantage over other human beings, I know that we subconsciously wish we weren’t like this. I acknowledge that I’d maybe be close to normal had I stayed with her, and that’s why I regret it. I guarantee that that’s what’s going on in my deep thought. She will always represent a part of me that I’ll never get back, and that’s why I “love” her.

     I might write a similar post about Hannah if anybody wants, but the conclusion is pretty similar. Anyways, as always, message me or email me if you have anything you want to ask or say.